"you couldnt make seinfeld today" you couldve made seinfeld in 45 B.C.

In elementary school, my best friend and I had this game we would play where we were school supplies living inside a child's desk and going on slice-of-life adventures inside it. And I remember that a key component of our school supply society was a sort of religious schism that existed around the purpose and nature of the giant hand that occasionally reached in to grab different citizens, use them, and then return them, because most school supplies considered this an auspicious and enviable moment of being selected for a greater purpose and allowed a glimpse of a vast truth, but pencils considered it a horrible portent of doom because they always got sharpened during it and came back smaller and closer to death. We were third graders btw.

elvis died because it wasnt getting enough fiber

ive never fucked up someones pronouns this badly before, sorry

*white knuckle gripping the snub nose revolver in my pocket* woww your boyfriend sure knows a lot about niche music subgenres

i like how the ^_^ emoticon doesn't even have an upturned mouth. goes to show a smile is all in the eyes