Where is my Mind

"I-I'm f-f-fine!" You stuttered out, getting up to run away. Finally reaching the door, you throw it open and run through it. With your back against, the wall, you slide down, drawing your knees up to your chest and resting your forehead on them.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." You quietly repeated. After a few minutes, you raise your head and look around. The room you were in was dark, but it looked to be empty. A couple of seconds later, there was a quiet knock on the door. Your head jerked towards it and you sat silently, hoping they would just leave. You had never been lucky, though and you sighed as the door cracked open. You lowered your head, hiding your eyes from the sudden light. The room was flooded with darkness once again, but you left your head down. "Hey." You recognized the quiet voice talking to you. Your body jerked when you felt a pair of hands touch your forearms. They were quickly removed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." His voice was gentle and kind...and unmistakably British.

You lifted your head and peered at the person in front of you. The room was dark but there was enough light coming from under the door for you to see the man kneeling in front of you. Your breath caught, he was absolutely beautiful...and he was Taron Egerton.

"There ya go. You okay?" He asked. You shook your head, feeling your eyes burn.

"It's okay. Deep breaths. In and out. Focus on my voice and just breath. You're safe. I've got you."

You closed your eyes and did as he said. Focusing on breathing in and out and listening to his soothing words. When you had calmed down enough to speak, you opened your eyes and looked up at him. "I get anxious. There's more people than I thought there would be." Your reply was quiet.

He stood up and offered you a hand. You looked from the hand to his face and back. Deciding it wasn't going to bite, you grabbed it and allowed him to help you to your feet.

"Taron." He said with a small shake. You let out a small laugh at his introduction, like you wouldn't know who he was.

"(Y/N)." You replied, reciprocating his handshake.

"Well, (Y/N), it's nice to meet you." There was a knock at the door, causing you to jump and release his hand. "We need to get ready for your interview panel, Mr. Egerton." Came the voice from the other side.

You stared at the door, your eyes wide and giving away the anxiety you were still feeling. "You should go. There's lots of people waiting to meet you." You said, still looking at the door.

"Are you one of those people, (Y/N?)" You turned your head to look at him and chuckled quietly.

"I had planned on being at the panel. Now I'm not so sure I should. I should probably just wait at my hotel for my flight home." You hoped the dark of the room hid the blush that stained your cheeks.

"You should come, I'll have one of my security stay with you in the front, so I know you're safe."

"Taron...you really don't have to do that. They are here for you." You were shaking your head.

"I'll be on stage. So, I'll be fine." He smiled at you reassuringly. You let out a sigh and smiled at him.

"Okay, fine." He reached for the door handle and your arm shot out to grab his forearm. "I just...thank you, Taron." He gave you a wide smile and opened the door, guiding you out of the room with a hand on your lower back.

"Jason, I want you to stay with (Y/N). Make sure she doesn't get crowded and keep her safe." He spoke to the security guard, who nodded.

Taron turned to you again and glanced down at your admission pass hanging around your neck. "No photo op or autograph passes?" He questioned, quirking an eyebrow.

"Uh...No...my flight was expensive and to be honest, before now, there wasn't anyone I was interested in having a photo with or autograph." You shrugged your shoulders and blushed. "I was just here for the experience."

"Stick with Jason and I'll see you after the panel!" He winked at you and then was whisked away by his assistant.

You sighed and turned to Jason, giving him a small shrug and shy smile. "Sorry you have to do this." He gave a laugh that instantly put you at ease. "It's okay, miss. I don't know what happened in that room, but Mr. Egerton has never asked us to be security for anyone else."

"Oh..." you blushed again, suddenly feeling very shy.

"Let's go, miss. The panel is going to begin soon, and we need to get you in there and to the front."

"(Y/N)...My name is (Y/N)." You said timidly.

"Well let's go, (Y/N)."

When you reached the stage where Taron's panel was being held, you were surprised to find it packed with fans already. With his hand securely against your back, Jason escorted you to the front of the crowd, staying close so you were protected. The looks you got from the people around you were a mixture of annoyance and confusion, but you were quickly forgotten as Taron's name was announced. You clapped along with the rest of the crowd, watching him wave and scan the crowd. When his eyes finally found you, you offered a small wave. His smile grew wider for a second and then he took a seat in a chair on the stage to answer the crowd's questions.

After about an hour of answering questions, Taron announced that the photo ops and signature portion of the night would begin in 30 minutes. He walked to the front of the stage and greeted the sea of waiting hands. When he reached where you were standing, he straitened up and said, "I'll be seeing you all soon!" his eyes never leaving yours. With that he left the stage to get ready for the next bit.

Jason led you out beside the stage to follow Taron. When you found him again, he was scribbling on a piece of paper and talking to his assistant. His attention quickly turned to you and he walked over with a large smile. "You okay?" He asked, placing his hands on your arms. This time you didn't pull away.

"Yeah! I'm good. Jason deserves a raise." You laughed.

"I'll keep that in mind!" Taron laughed, too.

"How are you, Taron? I get the impression this can all be a bit overwhelming at times." You said quietly.

"Yeah...it can be. But I love my job and that I'm able to do it. This is just an extension of that." You smiled widely at him and nodded.

"Taron, 5 minutes." Said his assistant with a small smile, looking between the two of you.

"Stay with Jason, okay?" You nodded at him. Once again, Taron turned and left, leaving you to wait with security.

"Come along, (Y/N)" You turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

"Where are we going, Jason?"

"One of the perks of the job is getting front row access. One of the perks of being under MY security, means YOU get front row access. Let's go get your picture and autograph." He smiled at you.

Your smile fell "I don't have photo op or autograph passes, though."

"None needed when you're with me!" He jabbed a thumb into his chest and laughed.

You smiled and followed him out, standing off the side near the backdrop where the pictures were going to be taken.

Taron stepped in front of the backdrop and addressed the crowd, "First of all, thank you all for purchasing the photo op passes! We'll begin by taking the photos and then those of you that purchased the autograph passes, please step off to the side and form another line. Once all of the pictures have been taken, I will sign whatever you've brought with you."

He turned and nodded towards Jason, who led you towards the backdrop. You handed your phone to Jason and stood beside Taron. Taron's arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you close. You reciprocated the action. Feeling his eyes on you, you looked into his face and beamed at him. You heard the distinct sound of your phone's camera going off and saw the flashes of other pictures being taken as well. "Wait for me in the signature line. I'll see you soon," Taron quietly spoke to you.

You nodded and stepped off the stage with Jason, who handed your phone back to you. He directed you towards an area to the side of the stage where the autograph line would start. You took a moment to look at the picture he had taken and couldn't help but blush at how intimate it seemed. You and taken were both looking at one another with smiles stretching across your faces. You looked more like old friends than new acquaintances. You watched from the side as he took pictures with the waiting crowd, occasionally looking your way and smiling reassuringly.

After a half an hour Taron stood with the last guest for pictures. Looking behind you, the line for autographs was considerably shorter. Taron walked over the table in front of the line and took a seat, ready to begin signing.

You smiled at him "I'm afraid I have come unprepared. I have nothing for you to sign." You laugh and shrug.

"Already have that covered," he states, sliding a poster towards you with his signature followed by "X". Your reached out to take the poster, your hands touching. He slid a small piece of paper discreetly into your hand before pulling away, smiling at you but not giving anything away.

You thanked him and left the line, clutching the note in your hand tightly. Turning to Jason you smiled and offered your free hand to him. "Thank you, Jason. If it wasn't for you, I would be back in my hotel room refusing to leave until my flight three days from now." He smiled and shook your hand "No need to thank me, just doin' my job." You chuckled and with a small wave, turned to leave the venue.

Once outside, you finally uncrumpled the note Taron had written and look down at it. You had to read the words more than once before you fully understood them. There were numbers written at the top, which you assumed to be his phone number. And below that was the message:

I want to see you again. I'm staying at the Four Seasons. Top floor. Meet me there at 6. Please say you'll come! X, T.

A laugh escapes your lips. You could have never imagined this is how your day would end. You quickly pulled out your phone and entered his number. You typed out I'll see you at six! But your finger hovered over the "send" button hesitantly. You blew out a breath and tapped the screen without looking. What in the world am I doing? You wondered. He seemed nice and genuine. You rationed. "Yeah...so did Ted Bundy" you mumbled to yourself.

Looking down at your watch you saw that it was 3:23 p.m.

You pulled up directions to the Four Seasons hotel and discovered it was just down the street from where you were staying. You decided to grab something to eat and head back to the hotel to shower and get changed.

After the shower you grabbed your phone to check the time and saw a text waiting for you. Your stomach did a flip and your breathing became shallow as you willed yourself to open the message.

Taron 4:18 p.m: Yes! I will leave your name at the front desk. Let them know I'm expecting you and to ask for Jason to escort you up. Look forward to seeing you! Xx

You smiled at the text message. He seemed excited, though it is a bit hard to gauge reactions properly thought text.

You left your hotel room at 5:45. The walk to his hotel was short but you wanted to get there early in case there was a problem. You had fought with yourself over whether or not this was a joke, but decided to go anyway. Standing outside of the Four Seasons, you felt very out of place, and that became more obvious as you walked into the lobby. Looking around, you bit your lip and considered running back to your own room. With a sigh, you willed your legs to walk to the desk. Sitting behind the computer was a pretty brunette who looked about your age.

"Can I help you?" Her smile looked genuine and helped to put you at ease.

"Hi, I'm supposed to ask to have Jason called down." It almost sounded more like a question than a statement and you mentally chastised yourself for being so nervous. "Sure, do you have an ID on you Miss?" she asked politely.

"Oh...um, yeah. Just a moment." You opened the wallet you were carrying and handed her your ID.

She checked it and looked at the computer in front of her before handing it back to you with a smile. "Okay, (Y/N), please have a seat and make yourself comfortable. I'll let Jason know you've arrived."

You thanked her and took a seat on one of the couches in the main lobby.

You were sure it only took minutes for Jason to step out of the elevator, but it felt like years. He greeted you with a smile, making you feel better about being there. Following him onto the elevator, you watched him hit the button for the top floor. "'Nother first." He said, eyeing you out of the corner of his eye. You weren't sure he meant for you to hear him, but you chuckled anyway and said, "I bet he pays you to tell all the gullible girls that." He looked at you and shook his head, his eyes were sincere, and you knew that wasn't the case.

Feeling nervous, you played with the skirt of your sundress, suddenly feeling self-conscious in it. "Taron's a good guy, (Y/N). You don't need to be nervous. He must think you're something special." You looked up at him and felt your cheeks burn.

"Oh, I doubt that, Jason. We've only just met."

"Sometimes, you just know." He said with a shrug and small smile.

The elevator dinged, signaling you had arrived at your destination. You stepped out and Jason pointed to a door. "He knows you're on your way. Just knock." And with that the elevator shut, taking Jason with it.

You approached the door and lifted your fist to knock but hesitated. It's not too late to turn back...

Little did you know, Taron, just as nervous about you coming, was pacing on the other side of the door.

You squared your shoulders and knocked twice on the heavy door. Taron was standing in front of you seconds later. He was still wearing his outfit from the convention. He smiled shyly and waved his hand for you to come in.

"I have to be honest; I was afraid you would change your mind." He said, his cheeks turning pink.

"If I'm honest, I considered it. Many times. But Jason insists you're a good guy." You shrug and smile timidly at him.

He laughs and the tension in the room fades. "I was just about to change. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be out in a bit."

You nodded and watched as he walked away. Looking around, you noticed a picture propped up on a table. You walked over to it and bent down to get a better look. It was Taron with a woman who you guessed to be his mother. He has his arm around her shoulder and his head was thrown back in laughter. She was looking up at him with pure love etched in her face.

Taron walked out of the bedroom to find you standing in front of the table, bent at the waist to look at the picture he had placed there. He took a moment to look at you, admiring the sundress you had chosen and the way it rode up on your thighs while you were looking at his picture.

He cleared his throat, causing you to jump and turn around. He smiled sweetly at you and walked over. "My mum and me. It's a couple of years old but it's my favorite picture of the two of us." He picked up the picture frame and smiled at it lovingly. You took a moment to take in his new outfit. A simple pair of jeans and a fitted shirt. He looked great in the partial suit he wore for the convention, but you had to admit, seeing him in more relaxed clothes somehow felt intimate.

"She's stunning. And I bet she's very proud of her son." You smiled.

He put the frame down and took your hand in his. You felt the skin of your neck and cheeks heat up with a blush, but you couldn't deny the electricity you felt at his touch. With his free hand, he moved some of your hair behind your ear and rested his hand against your cheek. You leaned into the touch and closed your eyes with a soft sigh. After a few moments, you opened your eyes and brought your hand up to rest against his. You looked into his eyes, admiring how beautifully the green was flecked with brown. "Beautiful." You breathed, not meaning for him to hear you.

"Yes...you are." A small gasp left your lips at his words and you were suddenly closer than you remembered being. "I want to kiss you. But I won't without your consent." You nodded your head, not fully trusting your words. "I need you to say it, (Y/N). I need to hear you say you want it, too."

"Taron. Kiss me." The words had barely left your lips when you felt his lips brush yours. It was like a fire was ignited within you. You pressed your lips against his and wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him closer. His hands went around your waist, the fabric of your dress bunching in his fists. The kiss was slow but full of fire, the electricity from earlier now finding ground in your lips. After a few moments, Taron pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. Both of you were breathing hard and you let out a small laugh. "This wasn't at all how I expected this day to end."

"I want you to know I didn't invite you here with any intentions. I just wanted to see you again." He spoke quietly.

You looked at him and smiled. "I believe you. Jason vouched for you in the elevator." You giggled and his smile grew at the sound.

"Maybe he really does deserve a raise." You both laughed at that. Taking your hand, Taron led you to the couch where you both sat.

"I want to thank you, again. For helping me this afternoon. I really didn't think I would get so overwhelmed so quickly." You looked at him. He rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb and smiled reassuringly. "I have anxiety, too. Believe it or not. I just did what I hope someone would do for me." You smiled widely at him.

"So, Mr. Egerton, if you didn't invite me here with intentions, what did you have in mind?" You shoved his shoulder.

"Well, I was thinking maybe dinner. Get to know one another a bit. See where this goes." He shrugged, looking embarrassed.

"People will talk. If they aren't already." You laughed.

He gazed at you and shrugged "So let them."

You smiled and nodded your head. Your smile fell as a thought crashed its way through your mind. You lowered your head, staring at your intertwined hand.

"Hey, what it is?" He said, placing a finger under your chin and raising it so he could look you in the eyes again.

"It's just...this is temporary for both of us. After the convention ends, both of us will be on separate flights. Me headed home and you headed lord knows where. I guess it just hadn't occurred to me until now."

His smile was sad, and you could tell it hadn't crossed his mind either. "It doesn't have to be temporary." His voice was little more than a whisper. "If, after tonight, we decide to try this, we can make it work. I promise you we can!" His words were reassuring, and you smiled at him.

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The sound of the door opening woke you up. You had fallen asleep without realizing it, with the photo album still in your lap. You looked up to see Ben standing in the doorway. His eyes were on the album and they looked sad. "It's time for me to go. I have to meet Joe in a half hour."

You nodded your head and stood up. "Do you know what time you'll be back?"

"It'll be late. We're going to the bar after dinner."

"Okay...I'll see you when you get home, then." You placed your hand on his cheek and for the second time that day, you felt a prickle in your eyes. He leaned into your palm and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, letting out a quiet sigh.

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A large clap of thunder startled you awake. It took you a few moments to adjust to the room around you but as soon as you did, you realized you were alone. You glanced over at your alarm clock and sighed; the power had gone out from the storm. Grabbing your phone, you saw that it was 2:43 am. There was no word from Ben, but you did see a text from Joe waiting for you.

Motzy Stick 2:00am

Hey, is your power out, too?

You wondered how Joe would know that the power was out at his place when he was supposed to be out with Ben. Your finger hovered over the 'call' button for a few seconds before carefully pressing it.

His answer was quick, "Hello?"

"Hey Joe. I just got your text. Did Ben decide to crash at your place after dinner and drinks? I figured he would have come home since you only live down the street..."

"Ben...? I haven't seen Ben at all this week. I've been home going over a script. The storm knocked the power, though." His words made your stomach turn and there was a tightening in your chest. All week...he hadn't seen him all week. But Ben had been out at least twice this week, both times he said he was with Joe. "(Y/N) ...are you okay?" You barely registered his voice on the other end. You numbly hit the end button and stared at the dark screen. Tears threatened to escape, and your breathing became shallow.

It took everything in you to keep you on your feet as you slowly made your way into the living room and threw yourself on the couch, not even bothering to turn on a light. Drawing your knees up, you rested your head against your legs and gave into the burn behind your eyes. Joe's words floated around in your head. You felt silly, angry and hurt. Part of you had known Ben had lied about being with Joe. You didn't want to believe it...but you knew.

It wasn't long before you heard someone outside the door fumbling for keys. You were so exhausted from crying that you didn't even raise your head from atop your knees. You heard Ben open and close the door quietly, unable to see you due to the darkness of the room. He sighed and dropped his keys into the bowl inside the hall before flipping the switch to the light.

A sharp hiss left your lips at the sudden intrusion of light. Your eyes and head were sore from crying.

"(Y/N), what are you doing up?" Ben questioned. You sighed and finally raised your head to look at him, not bothering to wipe the new wave of tears his voice caused.

"Joe called." You stated bluntly. Panic flashed in his eyes, but he was quick to reign it in. "Yeah, I just left his place." He lie was effortless.

"Ben..." you sniffled and looks him square in the eye "please don't lie to me anymore."

With a sigh, he sat on the couch and turned to face you. Suddenly feeling restless and claustrophobic, you stood up and began pacing. "How long, Ben? How many?"

"I don't...I don't know. A few months? Just one person. That's it."

You scoffed "Oh that's it, is it? That makes it better because it's just one person?!" You stopped pacing and stared him in the eye. "Why? When did I stop being enough for you?"

"(Y/N), no." He stood quickly from the couch and walked towards you. You stepped back but he continued his advance, raising his hands to hover above your arms. With a gulp, he laid his palms against your upper arms. You closed your eyes and swallowed the lump in your throat, allowing yourself to enjoy his touch one last time. With tears in your eyes you stepped out of his grasp and looked at him again.

"I thought...Ben, I thought you were it for me. I'm sorry that you didn't feel the same way. I know I don't let you see, but you mean the world to me. I know that I can be pretty mean...But you mean the world to me." *I know I haven't always made it easy and I know I'm not as open as you'd like. I'm sorry. I hope she can give you what I couldn't. I'll be back in the morning for my things." You turned away from him and tried to bite back the sob that threatened to break free.

"Please, (Y/N/N), please don't go. You were enough, it was me, I was the one not good enough. Please, you don't have to leave!"

"Go to bed, Ben. You've been drinking and you just need to sleep. Who knows if you'll even remember any of this in the morning."

"Stay. Stay with me, please come to bed with me."

You looked at him with a sad smile on your lips. "No, Ben. I'll be back in the morning." You laid your hand against his cheek and ran your thumb along his cheekbone. "I'll always love you, Ben Jones." He took a quick breath in at your use of his given name.

As soon as the door shut behind you, you raised your hand to your lips and bit into the back of it as a sob ripped through you. You wanted to scream and to curl up into a ball and give up. Instead, you pulled your phone out and dialed the first person you could think of.

"Hello?" You were worried you had woken him, but his voice held no hints of sleep.

"Joe..." was all you could get out before your body was wracked with sobs.

"I'm on my way." His voice was gentle, and you had never been more thankful for him than you were in that moment.

It only took a few minutes before you saw him round the corner. He stopped upon seeing your tearstained face. "(Y/N)?" He called to you like he was talking to a scared puppy.

"Please Joe...can we just go?" You walked pass him without waiting for an answer. He turned to walk beside you but didn't ask questions, knowing you would talk when you were ready. The 3-minute walk back to his apartment felt like it took an entire eternity. As soon as you stepped through the door, your legs gave out and you fell to your knees. Joe was right there beside you, his arms around your torso, just hugging you as you wept into his shoulder. When you felt like you couldn't possibly cry anymore, he helped you to the couch and went to heat up some tea for the two of you.

Once the tea was done, he sat beside you and gently took your hand in his. You stared down at them, feeling numb. "You don't have to say anything. You can stay here as long as you need. I have an empty bedroom, even has its own bathroom." You looked at him "Ben...he...he's been seeing someone else. For months, he said." It was hard to feel anything beyond numb. "He's so drunk, I don't suppose he'll remember much of anything. I told him I'd be back to gather my things in the morning." "You can stay here. We'll work on finding something more permanent later. For now, this is your home, okay?" You looked at Joe and knew you'd be crying again if you had anything left.

You were startled by the sound of his phone ringing and quickly saw "Ben" flashing across the screen. You looked at him with panic etched across your face.

He gently patted your hand and then put the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

You heard muffled talking through the phone and Joe turned to look at you. "She's safe, Ben. No, you can't talk to her. Go to bed and we'll be by tomorrow." With that he hung up the phone and helped you stand. "Off to bed for you as well, dove. You need some rest." You sighed and nodded in agreement. "You'll get through this. You aren't alone."

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The next morning came too quickly and you woke up feeling hungover and your body ached. You wandered into the attached bathroom and stared at your reflection. Aside from your red eyes, your face was pale and your eyes were dull. You sighed and splashed some cold water across you skin. Deciding there wasn't much to be done, you quietly made your way to the kitchen. You were surprised to find Joe already there preparing breakfast and tea. "Good morning." You stared at the food and grimaced, not sure your stomach could handle it. "You're going to eat, if I have to force feed you myself." You sighed and gave him a small smile. "Okay, Joe." Your voice was raw from a mixture of tears and lack of use.

"After we've eaten, I'll walk you over and we'll pack your things." You froze at his words and closed your eyes. "Hey..." he said gently, resting his hand on yours, "It'll be okay. I'll be right there the whole time."

After breakfast you and Joe made your way to the only home you've known for the last two years. As soon as you walked in, you knew Ben wasn't there. It was too quiet. You looked around and were saddened to realize it already felt less like home. You saw a piece of paper resting on the dining table and hesitantly picked it up.

"(Y/N),

I'm so sorry. I understand if you decide to leave. I can only hope I'll come home to find you here waiting for me. I ended things with her. You ARE enough, so much more than enough. Please just know that I love you. I will always love you and I'll be here when you're ready for me. Please forgive me...

-Ben"

     You placed your ear to your door and listened for any sounds outside.  Hearing nothing, you cracked the door and looked in time to see two men walking down the stairs.  One had fluffy, brown/red hair.  He was taller than his friend but the slouch in his shoulders gave him an air of insecurity.  The second man was wearing tight jeans and a white tank top, his hair was shaggy and black and there was a definite bounce in his step.  You wondered which one of them was your new neighbor.       You decided to dart out of your room quickly and attach the sticky note to the still open door.  You chanced a peek inside and saw a chair and couch that didn’t match with a pile of records sitting on the couch. Who even owns a record player anymore?  You wondered.      You decided to retreat back to your room before you were caught.  Sitting down at your desk, you pulled out your Physics 101 book and began attempting to get a head-start on next week’s classes.