escapism

Am I dead or is this someone else on that cold slab?

I'm in a mortuary, broken shards of glass taken out of my feet, every molecule taken for trace, who needs friends like these.

I'm bleary eyed who is that cadvar?

An abuse victim pushed, pulled skidded on the rocks, waves crashing, hidden cameras dashed dreams, enemies rig the game.

Waking up whilst the nightmares rage outside, driving in my car can't remember, bang ,bang , bang, sorry to inform you, dead voicemail , phone in glovebox of the deceased ,normality, society, banality.

Accused, alone, fighting teliqua, upstairs, closed doors, uproar, crying, jeering, Someone leering capturing reactions. Numbing the pain, vodka slips silently recklessly wanting answers, whose telling the truth or do you not want get caught out.

Running from people who've made their judgement calls, I'm not the killer or by someone else hand. Why do I just wish I were, blame, shame?

Just reckless, implusive, explosive, while they recant how I was implicated, I go cold turkey, throw away all remants of my previous self, get treatment. The person who I was has died just like judgements you had.

Your composing the music to my heart, everything fades into you.

I remember the colour of your aubern hair, your transient green like your constantly growing.

Is it strange the way you moved, your eloquence how you speak with such conviction.

I want to go back in time capsule, where I would speak with my heart not my head.

To love without compromise is to be truly complete.

If death is the constant anxiety of living life to the fullest

What is the meaning of love, when it's forgotten lost in translation.

I would drive anywhere to see you, not to worry about how much i'm worth.

When the memories canscende colliding into one.

I miss you, your the voice in my head, why are you here?

That's when I say there's something that brings me back, your personalised message.

That said I fell in love the way you fall asleep, slowly then all at once.

#love that is lost and never can be claimed

I can't breathe while I taste the bile and blood retching on my new rug.

Picking at my scabs, uncovering new cuts, the pain is apparent I get up from the sadness of cleaning up the mess.

I want to wash away the scent, the repetitive behaviours, of attracting others badly taste of perfume.

When people can't help their own destruction, how they normalise their need to overpower, a peaceful surrounding.

You were once in a bakery, with the natural taste of berries, jam, classic criss cross pastry.

This was just heavenly dream, in a mixture of making my own creations..Could I finally breathe?

I'm eating this blackberry pie, i'm thinking back to all the women slaving to keep this expectation that this is only thing that is platable.

How does it taste when my invisible anexity is screaming to be seen.

What you see is a rational, organised shapeshifter, who is fluid however linear.

The attack comes in mismatch words, indescribable intentions, just pure fury.

Now i've got a disorder dyslexia which explains how, my purpose was get lost in the writings of trauma.

Depression when you've lost your appetite, my plate was like i've been famished in a desert.

I express all what I wanted to say but could only write in a secret language that only I knew the code.

Disbraxisca beating out the silent code, in behaviours that were indescribable.

Adhd I was focused on adapting in different variables so effectively it mirrored burn out.

Autism was retreating into myself was my only form of self help.

Can I touch this reclamation of my identity, within people whose voices you numb do you feel at peace.

Now i'm breathing picking those smells, washing, purifying myself of impluse errantic behaviour.

I'm clean.

From the first time I saw you I knew that you were the one not to fix me, just to accept me. I was always intrigued by you sitting there reading a book, telling a story, how is it that I remember everything I love about you, are the reason I lost myself.

Some part I should never expected you to see yourself in my shoes. That's what hurts people show you a mirror, you don't like what you see.

I have this dream where I'm just singing along mindlessly, you would just smile in recognition how some things never change.

The only way I can get out these chains that bind me is humility, It's hard for me to let go of a beautiful soul. You reminded me of what I wanted was to be seen, I told you how I felt, it was right to feel free of pain and suffering.

I don't think anyone gets it I try to explain that I'm paralyzed in fear, your right there I've said everything that's need to be said.

I'm looking at you like your the only one there, I can't concentrate I try put you in the corner of my eye. You are distraction, I don't want an intervention.

It's crushing when you ask if I'm ok, I'm not I'm so nervous trying to act like a human that I'm back to masking my emotions. I'm still waiting for your answer, I'm trying to work what I want to say.

In truth am I allowed to say are you ok, are you scared, I'm jealous you look like an actor.

You are playing your part showing people around, advising people like a sales advisor. How much I'm trying to think of myself and my own happiness.

I take a step back. Inside you must be so scared, you don't know how to approach it, I see you look away disappointed there's so many things you have curled inside, whose going to make a move, is it easier to walk away or say what's on your mind.

Trying to organise my brain, like how to guide first you admit your suffering, try make sense of the confusion and delirium.

Why am I so scared of the most beautiful things about yourself and what you contribute is valued.

I'm looking at those empty halls I use to roam, walking into the abyss. Those pillars of justice weighing me down with bags of rocks pulled down into the water. The weight of fighting the fear running from my younger self, now I'm unlacing the gloves putting them away in storage.

I contain multitudes I am large in contradictions, that in I know. There are vastness of beauty hidden within the struggle. While I keep the inner child out of my reach learning to observe. I say to that child you are safe, you are peace, you are not alone. Within myself I take the task of taking care of that part of myself.

You want to know what I saw in that guy to admit vulnerability, I see the inner coil, I see your heart plainly in beautiful fashion. I see your anexity crawling up your insides, your perils addictions trying to hide your true face.

If I ever think of doing something rash I see your face, I know I would be emotional wreck it would feel wrong to hurt someone I feel deeply about.

Ever since I was young I was intrigued, why do people act they way do, what is the psychology behind it.

You can't function without it, communion drinking the holy wine. I feel like I'm entering a church where your at centre, admiring your presence, sending love to the people who are at dire need.

My back is broken to the bone all that hard work the toil and turmoil.

You can't hold on to it when it just wants to spit you out, you have to swim in the rapid current to make it out alive. You make it to shore you spit out the saltness of the ocean, the trauma makes you vomit, you have to get it out of your system.The lights are flicking from a passing ship I wave, there is death around me in the air, even next me.

I jump onto the dinghy, there is no else there but the stern of the driver I do not recognise. I'm sitting there while I stink of the ocean, why was I saved, who is the spirit that inhabits me?Parts of the survivors died on that ship they couldn't reclaim, I'm complete the boat gets pulled to the ferry, why do my arms feel so heavy.

They wrap me up in blankets, while this black mist envelopes me, those hazy days are back again, the last thing I remember was your spirit leaving your body, it's with me now rest your weary head.

A man shakes me with the smell of apple pies guiding me towards comfort, the sugar it was homemade from my people. I walked of the plank of the ship, everyone was there welcoming me back, somehow it was like I was never away, they didn't ask any questions or require any answers.

We all knew how it felt to be abandoned to deal with it on your own, the loneliness, the guilt the associated smells, uncleanliness. The clog in your throat of being allergic to the hoarders way I was living.

Now I've been cleansed by the rain, the cold bitterness of the icy wind. How your spirit drifted through effortlessly, it's at peace with letting go, you wake up feeling clean I'm no longer sick or traumatised.

It could just be a certain scent or smell that brings you back, Clementine, sizzling bacon in a pan, Chinese takeaway menus. I remember my parents were praying for her safe passage, all I'm thinking about is sanctuary.

If grief is mourning someone who is alive yet dead at the same time, gazing of in the distance loss of identity is glazen in their eyes. Is it just peaceful to just let them rest, hold their hand and talk about your day, look for their smile or laughs.

I didn't want to let go of your identity, you are a shell the man you used to be doesn't mean you are a lesser man or woman.

It's the sense of purpose or accomplishment, who do you know if everything you've sacrificed is recognised by the person who doesn't know if you a carer, their son or daughter, grandchild etc..

When do you accept that as long they are loved, they are surrounded by memories, as they speak in a foreign tongue. They do not wish to hurt or harm. Just let them be, you have served us well now it's our turn to takeover.

I see you in the pale moonlight of the mountain out on that ranch herding sheep, couldn't say the truth of gravity, I knew what would happen if it came out.

Your an idealistic we can live out like an animal caught in a snare, you don't see the hunters and marksmen.

Don't come back where your not welcome I swear if I could redo it with kindness, acceptance open to love maybe you could of been saved. They had vengeance, religious dogma so full of hatred.

Loneliness is a form of isolation pineing for the ones you love stuck In a form of entrapment. If keeping your shirt keeps your memory alive, let the tears fall as they may, you'll never forgot love, that's never been lost.

When I'm with him I feel weightless saying that I loved him like it was yesterday, it was peaceful I must say. If love is compartmentalizing, it's as if your a how to guide, you admit the pain and suffering. The delirium is the most beautiful things that's when you know it's real, and that I have value.

However the pillars of justice, roaming down those halls with their rocks pulling me down into the water, is suicide just edge of a knife. That is tethering it's like happiness is being dangled then taken away, it was never there just your mind playing tricks on you.

I get so angry why I'm stuck in this pit, exhaustion stress is a illness I'm used to, vulnerability could be peace or it's a flood which won't let up.

What is the definition of being masculine, is it toxic harden against the world, you think you deserve to be in suffering that you are unworthy or do you accept love whatever form it permits.

Dancing round to vintage music to make us feel young.

We live in time Stopwatch ticking, alarm bells go off, the klaxon sounds It was ella fitzgerald in each life rain shall fall. Little feet patter, eggs are cracked, it's all mixed together. No matter the weather my dancing shoes are misty.

Lady liberty living in the land of opportunities, save me from this insanity if this what dreams are made of.

You a stranger to me now chasing the sun.I don't want you mourning. I wrote to you to say of everywhere you've travelled, people who have nothing but a dream, picking up the strings of their guitar.

If I've known why I always running to come home, if I am man walking to my grave, if you said to me you could die in Oklahoma.

If blood pricks on my idle songs, I never would of left them, empty all my ideas should be tossed in the fire, there is no revolution, there is just restitution.

My eyes are sunken, heavy with desperation, if I can't fight the tumor, there is no rumor.

I want to ride on the highway out in utah, looking for love, it can drive you to missouri where I met her aunt nouri.

Her parting words leave a space in your heart for forgiveness, trust when violence ensuses ,no one counting how long the bells will ring, you'll say can leave one for me.

Take notes from the past why weren't there questions asked, why is acceptance and tolerance are being branded with gases suffocating the people with igneity.

The dock workers, the labourers and foreigners without them this land wouldn't have become so plentiful.

I remember seeing you down in Chicago how are you, she told her tale of woe her addictions of predicting it was never foreseen, she was done for.

She was earning in the old ways of dealing, it wasn't stealing, she just knew when your time was due, to pay your debts no matter how unprepared you may be, everytime I saw the suffering, enduring pain.

How the ingredients looked invisible, times are changin but the batter is still the same. I can't look at carolina when you tells me her visions, whose winning is it peaceful exchange of ideas labelled as weapons . Or is veiled third eye watching, prancing, scavenging for their dystopia distruba.

Hold up the bodies to the testament of truth.

Would you bury the Memory of love?

It was diamonds you were just a carnival, you were moving like you were electric but it's varnished in rust, when you can't even look at yourself seeing your on a road to nowhere.

Someday soon you'll be answer who is bob Dylan, can you catch the wind in it's direction what your looking at is your reflection.

The answer has always been there you just listen to people down below, the cries of child who was ripped out their home, a mother's womb.

There is no one to see the mountains cave in, bombs are falling out of Memphis, Tennessee when are people going to be finally free, if you with born nothing, in the eyes of segregation.

The laws are full of devastation, you see boys killed just because of the colour of their skin, the incompetent scumbags just accuse the miscarriage of justice, this man is guilty not for the crime that has been committed, just for his existence that he was born into the wrong skin.

You can't protest when history was written in a secular narrative, where the people that mattered held no credit, they weren't citizens, they were just told obey to serve.

I would shoot down the vision of an upcoming apocalypse I've run of bullets.

I keep trying to knock on the door of death let me in, it's padlocked from the inside.

All I really want to do could I see what is coming, I'm not for resuscitation, if I could have anything, it's for you is to see colour turquoise, the sea of tranquility.

A complete unknown the push and pull I never knew what I wanted is to be loved was something that is like antique glass.

There were many cracks, still look what they've done, I always rebel from what the establishment tells I can't have.

I pulled you in when I needed a connection, which was like reading out of someone diary, the emptiness that were left bare, did I cause this to have flowers layed, for I am not to blame for the beautiful people with their sunken eyes.

Lift me to heavens door save me from all the suffering the constant pain, I'm floating above it all feeling their power of the folk singers. Watching the parties where they took away your spirit, I was haunted by where I was heading.

The vices you procreated, you saw the screaming fans, the chemistry of standing on the stage, the audience was sitting on needles, the industry wanted to save me from the bruises of the old harden crowd of columnists. However the torturer was never satisfied of interpreting different stories, working out the best way to promote them as a product.

In my dreams there was an image of a prophet, a girl with flowers in her hair, laying in a garden of flowers so peaceful, you were wild. I would lay there with you, with the tranquil hummingbird, there was so many mornings as the light shone to your radiance. My eyes faded with colours wanting to find you.

I missed you when you left the travelling circus, you couldn't keep up with the rush of ideas that flowed through your guitar, you can't keep running to your door when the bruises were visible to the naked eye.

You need retribution for your sins if you want find happiness within yourself.

Sitting on the dock of the bay, there is no fish in the harbour, waiting for the dead ends to fray. Living on scarps I can afford, it's just another empty catch, scraping left over tuna in a can. Its just another day out in the horizon, the tide is washing away my sorrow people say there is always tomorrow.

That's all poison bring up the bodies, nobody can convince themselves their true nature because you can't escape the lies and the corruption. Betrayal is your enemy if people are disposable, how could you shoot if the devil was some parlour trick.

What makes you think I care about you, who I am may be considered psychotic, demanding and cutthroat. Those who are made can be unmade, you must thrive in spite of yourself even if you are made of stone.

Truth is like a dog whimpering at the door, unwanted, those claws are like knives keep them hidden when rage strikes open the door on the last pitch of silence.

Peace could mean death if war was the only option it's as if a thick fog of uneasiness falls, friends and enemies look the same in a suit of armour. I may have everything if I fall out at the feet of mercy, may I no longer be a servant of justice. If death means ashes of spilled ink like the parchment of paper it was sealed with. If I stopped to think or recount how it came to this I would already be dead.

If I could stand there in front of all your family and say I love you.

Would it matter the time date or place.

If home is where I feel stable a safety net of sorts, it wouldn't matter what anyone says your a trailblazer in your own way.

Do you ever believe that people fall in and out of love, I'm forever stuck driving in this car.

Yet somehow I gravite back to you no matter how much we change seats, whose in the driver's seat and whose in the passenger.

I'm on this road trip where I've driven mad by the ininfite amount of possibilities, the car keeps moving cancelling everything that's beyond your control. Your here finally I've found the meaning of soulmates.

It doesn't matter what the future holds as long I trust that we aren't reckless, going off course, we have faith that everything becomes full circle.

Allergies came back in time, with the anexity and panic.

Had my essentials, had my playlists organized, walking past on the steps so many have been before.

A vovilic notion of a tornado, walking fast to my destination, let the firgures disappear into the night.

21 went to the club dancing disappearing into the crowd of unknown strangers, weaving you want to avoid this misadventures souls.

Moving was transactional emotion it's like the flight or fight instinct, I was out in the club I just wanted to run, it felt nice talking to someone new, being casual is just like having fun.

Not knowing your plans, living in the spontaneity, shall I ran or walk, shall I come back to talk, or let you pout when you can't leave my side.

Why is it that you want someone when you can't have them, now I'm away all I think is that I need be home.

Being on my own is the best way to be, learn to let go, I'll firgure it out on my own.

All I wanted was the chase, in truth I never wanted you, I could close my eyes imagine getting drunk and being reckless.

That's not me I'm making it on my own backpacking without my phone, I'm off grid. I need to firgure out my path, what is it I'm looking for?

I'm still trying to find it on this lonely road. I'm at peace with knowing all you have is yourself, I hope your be proud that I'm finally doing what I set out to do. Being independent free spirt who is driven to go whatever the wind follows, sitting in the uncomfortable fighting for self control amongst the chaos.

Snow fell into the red blood soaked up like a slushie.

Different colours like a bruise, it's like when I'm trying to put make up on, it feels like I've punched

In the face, the abuse you put on yourself, is layed out for everyone to see.

I look at the weather the cold is seeping in like a day doing PE outside, in shorts nevertheless.

You are a bull out the gate, there is no immunity or vaccine you can take.

I see a jumper on the ledge why are paying for your mistakes, I'm seeing everyone is to blame, they can't save the abandoned child inside.

It's ok sneakily cooking after dark, you can't help yourself, indulge.

You can't stop those intrusive thoughts, saying if I slip off the balance, I'm going to fall, are you going to trust yourself?

If this weather its just showers, I'm seeing the rain, sleet and snow, where am I supposed to go.

It looks picturesque from a tourist camara lens, while your taking pictures, the freezing bodies are buried, you can't trace their DNA.

If you left me out in cold, I would understand god has it's plan.

I'm walking out letting everything fall, if you smiled hey why am I so stupid I would agree.

If you can't see that people watching is fun, in these cobblestones there is so much history it would only be a mystery.

If you let your demons go, all the suffering, the phantoms and the ghosts.

I never could love you in the way you needed, the feelings were so intense, come down from living in denial, it's ok to act like your a child.

If you go back to when everything was buried in the ground, you were numbing the pain, talking how you owed the room, or the bar, these places never closed. When you were home, the feelings came out in a howl of fury, bitterly regertful of yourself, you could never expresss yourself.

Your life is just a game, how much can you take, you are drowning in misery, it loves you, the enablers give or take, stroke your ego.

Yet your petulant darkness, it's a funeral no one knows whose dead, everyone looks like a zombie, no has the answers, there is no saviour of the lost souls.

I'm the only one who can help you right now, no one wanted it to come to this, you never derseved this.

If you accept that everyone is suffering, if your feeling hurt and abandoned, you are not alone.

If I could take away your pain, undo the unravelling of this moment, isn't idllyneic, I'm everything you've got, If you hear that I'm your friend, don't change everything you are, never let the music stop playing. Whatever is playing, I'm paying.

The end of fascism. Peace 🕊️

Everyone should be treated equally, without racism, discrimination, bigotry or hatred.

Slavery should be outlawed, sergeration, ethical cleansing.

Wars are made out of power, hungry, arrogance.

In some ways I'm concise abjector.

Why can't people just live with their differences, flaws, uniqueness.

On this day they will remembered not for the sacrifice, their courage and bravery.

Walking into the unknown, into no mans land, not knowing if they see the other side.

The quills were wet, the parchment was signed, reparations caused a depression.

You came home, with a medal, you ate a hearty meal, congratulations were sent, but you were spent.

You earsed it all, you were home, finally knowing you were at peace, when you were asleep the battles raged.

You were saved, your family are here, everything is intact, you knew everything had it's place.

I'm reading all about this man I never knew, the stories he never told, he was alive, in our minds.

He may never thought, that he was important, there was a method to the madness.

We wear a poppy for the people that time forgot, the people who were forgotten and never could call home.

I can't say goodbye, you were already gone, you were included, we remembered your quirks, your essence and all the medals, worthless peice of paper. Could never bring back those boys back, they joined up, thinking it was their duty, they was no rime or reason.

It wasn't treason, the war was a domino effect, of collateral damage.

In this time of peace, fields of poppy grow, we wear them, out of darkness they grew, hope among despondence out there in the abyss.

You would just walk by and laugh how you knew how you would find me.

I wouldn't need to say anything, what is going on in their head, what song is playing in their interal juxebox, what record is being scratched on vinyl.

If thinking about you was the last thing I could do, talking about your dark humour, how nothing compares to you, if death feels like the blues. Could you turn the hours into music, everyone is a fool thinking I couldn't listen to your music, how could I have fun when the record hasn't moved in days, weeks, years.

How you didn't revise for any tests, I wished you the best.

The memories are etched in my mind, I'm just decoding them maybe you liked me, why I'm singing alone in a crowded room. The invisibility cloak was impenetrable, you put your hand through like a ghost, there was nothing but the abyss inside the costume.

You were the invisible ink, you saw what was written, so you made a descion.

Who was this girl, you had to find out, without a doubt we were alike, we were alone in a field full of corn, It was a maze, trying to find how much corn there was, how somehow you got hungry so you ate it.

The girl was watching it's fresh, he said the corn should be picked, so they started eating.

What was the pattern in the maze, would the girl and boy ever find each other again.

The corn was gone, they firgured out how to get out, if you were starving what would you do, how would you provide, just to get by?

These people without explicit instructions, saw the sunlight shining on the crops, followed the pattern, the ones without would wither, perish, out in the desert.

If your saw these people, who are as pure as the water that fertilise the soil, the nutrients are there in earth.

If you can reach deeply, benath the surface, the rawnesss of connection.

For awhile we were searching through the maze, until we found the link, saw what we truly are.

We are creatives, living paycheck to paycheck, releying on the kindness of strangers to get by, who want nothing in return.

I feel so gulity mourning the past version of ourselves, I could never give what you need, I was drowning in the tub of deepest regrets, the flames that hit the water, we would never be the same again, the future is in our hands.

I never wanted to admit walking down these streets, thinking how much joy I've felt, refreshed like I'm just been cleansed in a sunna, I've been out all night, when a message lights up, like a message from the gods.

My old dearest friend I've missed you, I don't want to hear what's been on the news, it's 5am I just want to speak to you.

I imagine pleading my case, telling the court the truth, would they feel moved to act in my favour.

I walk with my head high, not letting the liars lie and the people pry.

I'm wearing power, strength and resilience no matter how much I'm hurt, no one can take away my truth.

I'm writing symbols, my messages are in code, is it worth shooting a dead man, you are rotting from the inside.

Let someone else get you, it's not my place to decide if you live or die.

I was so mad, it's more of pity and sadness, you are dead to me, you were never alive, you can't dance away the loneliness.

For the longest time, I dreamt that you could be my partner in crime, cupid is stupid I could never love a cold zombie, the devil isn't far behind me, it's going to catch you.

The devil has got your number, it's going to diall, summon you into the depths of hell, into the mouth that would swallow you up and devour you whole.

The best weapon you can have is being numb, the silence is power, don't give them ammunition.

I have this dream where I'm screaming, for someone to see that I'm dieing.

All I want is the characters to come out of the book, say that they take me under their wing, I'm just like them seriously messed up in a beautiful way.

I don't want to die, I just want to run out, the door don't look back, just live life to the fullest.

If I could bury myself, bury everything, lets not block it up, I don't want to talk about, what you can't deal with.

If I'm sitting there with blood dripping out of it, I get out the cotton wool, stuff it up my arteys, try to breathe, it's like I'm holding it all in, my anexity comes back in floods of red.

I'm in black ops, going incognito, trying to find someone that isn't there, silent killers, anexity is eroding my brain, it's burning all the beauty.

I'm on a mission to get out of this state of mind, I say everything I need to say by shooting at the autumnal sky, if everything that was alive is dead.

Where does leave me, shall I rot away die in a shallow coffin in the ground, nail me in, bury me don't I deserve to die.