Mind Of Lost Direction

I do t really expect to be around much longer. I'm damn near 30 wich is about 5 years longer than I ever planned or expected. Let's see how this all goes

Well in what should be no surprise it happened again. Got just about thirty mins this time,give or take. It was good one tho I tell you what. See this was a flashback not of bombs or bullets or launching missiles. This was the time a detainee pulled me in the airlock and tried to remove my pants. Thankfully he only got as far as grabbing my dick and trying to get my belt before my brothers got in and pulled him off. Shit was insane to say the least. Really glad that memory came back after being buried. Good news was that incident is what got me out of the "prison" and out doing base defense/Ecp which I loved. Now what do I do? Playstation? Netflix? Back to the gym? Write the next great American novel? So many options! But in reality it's most likely gonna end in me laying in bed for a few hours. Or chain smoking.....but I'd have to get up for that

I haven't really slept in about five days. I'm used to it, functioning on little sleep is something the navy has taught me well (on the boat it was nothing to be awake for three days and do weapons employment, thanks TRE). Weird thing is I'm have nightmare about over "there". I've been back nearly five years and haven't had this issue since the first year back was over. Bugs the shit outta me to be honest. More annoying than anything. Dreams are nothing to crazy, usually just me in a Humvee or mrap with a team and we get hit with rockets or another vehicle gets the wrong end of an IED. Sometimes that'll wake me up or it'll go further with us getting out and trying to figure it all out. When I wake up it's usually only been a hour or two since I went to bed but my adrenaline is pumping so hard I don't go back to sleep. It's actually numerous at times. Jumping outta bed in my underwear looking for terrorists, good thing my girlfriend is a heavy sleeper, would hate to have her see me look so ridiculous. Last night I got about two hours and when I couldn't fall asleep again I just went back to the gym. Figured I'd work on myself in ways I can fix rather than dwell on shit I can't. Trying to not lash out at others tho. The lack of sleep mixed with the constant adrenaline surges makes me irritable at times(my girlfriend and roommates as well as co workers will agree to that). I do have sleeping pills prescribed to me but if I take them I don't wake up most of the times and my dreams get more and more vivid and when I do wake up im outta breath and covered in sweat. Shits rough man. Other than that my life sucks. Not really. I'm actually pretty pleased with it. Other than the discomfort I have with my job. I don't hate it. It's easy work, just feels like I'm doing nothing that matters. The job is temporary and if all goes well I'll be a corrections officer in the next few months. That will give me a sense of purpose again. Got to see my daughter on Friday. Hour and a half, not long but I enjoyed every second of it. Minus her taking about "new daddy". Not too keen on that but it's outta my hands. She's still the greatest thing in this fucked up world and I'm glad to have seen her for any amount of time. Me and the girlfriend are good (overall). I let my bullshit get in the way recently and it's caused some tension, but we both love eachother too much to let it effect us in the long run. She's so amazing it's crazy, and has a real knack for making me smile. That's something I'm still trying to get used to. But other than that I got nothing tumblr. Peace,love, conserve water, and stay away from that sour dough bread sandwich they got at Krystal, or White Castle if you up north.

So Father's Day is coming up, and I just realized it. I haven't seen my daughter (in person) since the end of March and it kills me a little everyday. I love that little girl so much. In fact her birthday is the day after Father's Day (gotta get on Amazon and buy her gifts smh). I try to be the best dad I can, shit isn't easy. There isn't a pain I wouldn't endure or a task I wouldn't do for my little girl. Yeah I could have been a better father in the early days, I didn't always have the best patience with her, and often let my own issues get in the way, but I learned. One of my favorite quotes about parenthood was by a guy I listen to on xm "you'll never know how capable of murder you really are u tim you have a child" and it's true. I would kill for my daughter. I would die for my daughter. She's the greatest thing to ever happen to me and even though I don't get to see her very often, she is the main reason I'm still alive. Yes I wanted to die, yes I have even tried and failed (and I'm never been so happy to fail) but I'm still here and Kaci is the top reason for that. Henry Rollins said "when you have children your forfeit your right to suicide because your life isn't yours anymore, it's theirs" and I agree. Kaci daddy loves and misses you so much and I can't wait to see you again.

So it's been a while. Sorted a lot of mylife out. Moved to Kentucky. Got a temporary job as a security guard. Enlisted in navy reserves. And found a girl who is more amazing than I ever thought possible. I'm actually happy again it just feels like that I had to deal with all this shit before I could find happiness again and it's happening!

So one of my issues is I feel like I need companionship all the effing time. This fact leads to what just happened. I have been casually seeing/sleeping with a girl I met online. We will call her L. L just came over and we engaged in adult activities. Sadly I have not taken my meds in a few days and what is normally the issue of failure to climax due to the meds I had the opposite and experienced pre mature fun so to speak. Since I have taken my pills (due to refill being delayed cuz of weather) I am also experiencing with drawls and it’s fuckin with me. I guess L picked up on it and she got weirded out and just left. It was bittersweet because I wanted her to stay so I could feel like someone cared about me but at the same time I’m glad she left cuz I just wanna be alone…. I hate tht I can’t figure this shit out. This is my life

If only nightwing was in this then my name would have a perfect picture

So my youngest sibling recommended that i start one of these rather than flooding my fb page with my bullshit. Im 28 years old and finishing up what will be nine years in the military. Roughly 9 months ago my wife left me. We where married just over one year and together for 3. The reason she left was, as she put it "i was too disconnected, lazy, and out of it all the time". What she didn't know was something I myself didnt even accept about me. Since the age of 13 i have been depressed, severely. I blew it off and tried to deal with the woman i loved more than anything leaving me and instead of it getting better, it got way worse. Last august i had a complete meltdown that ended with me in a naval hospital under 24 hour surveillance. This is what woke me up and lead me to get help, professional help. Through the help i have received i have become medicated (prescription, not self as i was and will touch on in later entries) and somewhat more stable through therapy. This blog i hope will be a new way to vent and just put whats in my fucked head out there. If you read awesome, if you relate, great. If you have advice ill take it. thanks people