I'm in my mid 30s and I've never experienced romance: a word vomit about being a late bloomer
My mind has been ruminating lately: I'm 35 and I'm lonely. I feel anger, I feel sadness, I feel disappointment, I feel disgust, I feel huge embarassment, I feel truly lost. I'm going back and forth what I did wrong in life. I've been feeling all of these complicated emotions and I thought maybe putting them on a metaphorical paper could somehow help. So this is me testing if that will help.
It's quite funny actually because for someone who's a student of traditional astrological and philosophical thought, which carries the stoic principles, I somehow cannot channel that same approach to life. I always preach fate is a pregiven thing and that the mindset that our lives are already written out can be tremendously relieving. You know, it's like that "letting go" argument that some spiritual gurus talk about⌠And it's quite healthy as well because it releases you of any anxiety - why be nervous about something you have no control of? Actually, I had this friend in college when I was studying journalism, she always said that she never feels anxious because what's the point of feeling anxiety? I'm thinking, she kind of won for not caving into the pressures of life and just sailing with it. I think the way we process emotions is what makes us the way we are and maybe the idea of complete callousness is not something I'd like to see and feel myself but damn, I wish I had that stoic approach to life when it comes to my own fate. Or, maybe to phrase it better: I wish I understood it.
Maybe I wouldn't have to carry that disappointment and anger in me. Maybe I wouldn't feel hatred and repulsion towards myself. And sometimes towards others.
What partially made me write my thoughts out today is music. So, to explain it: I'd call myself a pretty conscious listener. I don't know if that comes from empathy or intellectualizing everything. Or maybe both. I can tell when the emotions of whatever the writer tried to articulate in the song have been succesfully channeled into it⌠sometimes even too well. I never ignore what the message is. I also, mostly subconsciously, put myself in the shoes of the protagonist or - as I'll discuss in a second - compare myself to them. And sometimes⌠well, the song is just extremely thought-provoking to me. There's certain tunes that I can't even listen without feeling physically ill or just breaking down.
So the older I get, the weirder it becomes. In the past couple of years I started catching myself feeling bothered by people much younger than me singing about sex. Peculiar, given a lot of my favourite tracks are about sex indeed. I like a sexy sounding song, I like empoweringly sexy lyric, I like intimate themes. I grew up on Britney after all, gimme all the bod, all the sweat, all the lusty double entendres.
But somehow that started to shift. I still like the old stuff but when I hear Tate McRae singing about riding sports cars and Sabrina Carpenter about giving house tours⌠I just feel weird. I feel weird and disconnected because I'm much older than them, yet I can't recognize my own life in those lyrics. Obviously there's certain life events that will be unique to certain groups of people and so we can't ever relate to everything but sex is such a normal and substantial part of life⌠yet I'm someone who has been exluded from experiencing it.
So songs like this just make me space out and feel a bunch of emotions that are hard to describe, even for me - and I'm pretty good at describing stuff. The only thing that's like a saving grace here is the fact that these songs are fun. But when the song is serious or when somehow it reminds me of my situation by comparison, it's when I start feeling icky.
I've been in a very bad place emotionally when the new Olivia Rodrigo song came out and hearing her sing about going out on a date and about kisses really triggered my despair. I think I'm better now but what is not changing is, never ever remind me of the themes of THE first time unless you want me to feel like a piece of shit. It's not even awkward anymore, it's just infuriatingly distressing to me.
Which brings me to the topic of trauma. And man, the trauma of a late bloomer is something else.
The annoying thing is, no one ever gets it right. A person who had a "normal" experience in love and relationships will not comprehend the damage that never having one does to one's brain. First of all, being in a relationship is purely luck - let's not be ashamed of calling it like it is. You're telling me you're attracted to someone and this person is also attracted to you and you both do something about it?!? Let's just think about how ridiculous that is for a second. Like think about it. And then let's have our minds blown even more: you did that multiple times in your life. Someone tell me how is that possible because I cannot wrap my head around that concept.
All I know is being attracted to someone and this person ignoring me. I know being attracted to someone and this person choosing someone else over me. I know shaking uncontrollably for a few hours with 20 used tissues around me, crying buckets of tears because the person I like a lot, probably too much, is dating someone else. That is my reality.
I don't know how it feels to have your interest reciprocated. I don't know how it feels to be taken out on a date. I don't know how it feels to receive flowers from a guy. I surely don't know how it feels to hear "I love you" or even "you're beautiful". I don't even know romantic love at all. So imagine what that does to your mind and self-esteem. Mine is skewed, that's for sure. I don't even know anymore: am I ugly? Am I too weird? Am I cursed? Do I repel people? Am I unlikeable? Unlovable? Am I too much? Or not enough? Maybe I come off as mean? Maybe it's my fault because I'm too picky and I'm barely attracted to anyone. Maybe I should've gone for that one douchy guy who was trying to get my number once? Settling for someone you don't even like is quite popular these days after allâŚ
Or maybe it's my fault because, for the most of my life, I didn't care. I was never one to prioritize having a romantic partner. I was never actively looking for it. I'd even say - unless I wasn't crushing on someone - I was running away from dating. Don't get it twisted though because there were a few people with whom I really wanted to be with throughout my life so when the idea of being in a relationship seemed more palpable, then yes, I wasn't opposing to being taken⌠with my freedom taken away from me as well - because in a true Sagittarian fashion, I always used to say "no, I don't want no strings attached, I don't want my freedom to be taken away from me". Generally I was prioritizing myself and my interests, my own growth and a peace of mind. And then I was ill for a while and then the pandemic happened and I felt like every possibility for me to be with someone, has been frozen. So taken all of that into consideration, I wasn't really worrying that much about my singleness in my 20s. I thought it's a bit awkward but I wasn't pressuring myself. But the time started flying so so fast⌠and suddenly I'm in my mid 30s and for the past few years I've been hurting a lot.
It's not like being single is bad. Actually, I think it's cool and healthy to be single for a long time⌠But it's different when it's almost forced on you. It would be different if I chose to be single but I didn't. So now I am starved of love, starved of affection, starved of physical touch.
And I feel like I have a very passionate nature so it's extra tough to not have it expressed towards another person. Funnily, for a brief period I even fancied the idea of whoring around just because I'm that touch-driven⌠Unfortunately that will never happen. And why, you might ask, well yea, it is because of the trauma. Being in your mid 30s and never having any experiences really crosses out the idea of having hookups and just going for it. To be physically close with someone I'd have to feel extremely safe around that person. I also feel like at that age you don't really have much room for experimentation. So, the sad thing is, because of that, I also can't even "ride out" the heartbreak (yes, this is a Hayley Williams reference).
And through heartbreak did I went through. The heartbreak of a late bloomer is different I guess than a regular one. You know, maybe it would be easier for me to just be rejected in my face. But instead, there was always hope slowly, gently glowing inside me. I think I'm too fiery to completely loose my faith. Or maybe I'm just delusional. And so instead of giving up, I was waiting like a puppy for the person of my interest to pick me. I think this is how I've learnt patience. I'm always patient with people. I will always wait. I'm probably an idiot for doing that. I think because I was never chosen, I will always feel like I'm imposing myself on the other person if they ever give me attention. I also hate asking people for things, which is funny considering I'm going around asking people for their birth data but do know that I hate doing that for this exact reason.
The imprint of constant waiting I think is very well portrayed in one of my favourite songs from Billie Eilish, The Greatest. Most of the time I can't even listen to that song without crying. Her experience was different obviously, as she wrote it about being in a relationship but weirdly I do see myself in this song: "And you don't wanna know / How alone I've been (âŚ) Man, am I the greatest / God, I hate it / All my love and patience / Unappreciated". That hits like an arrow right through my chest honestly. Different experience but the same feeling. It's honestly very easy for me to get triggered like that by quite a handful of songs.
What I often think about is, if I do end up with someone, that person will be very special to me but I will not be special to them. I will never be someone's first in any shape or form because people my age have went through it all.
What else new can I bring to the table? I don't even know if I'd be a decent partner. Maybe I'd be a shitty one. Like how do you co-exist with another person???
And because I never prioritized relationships, I also never thought about getting married. Fantasizing about a wedding dress??? Forget it, I don't think the concept of me getting married ever even crossed my mind when I was younger. I do honestly think marriage is just a paper⌠I also think engagements are corny. Maybe this is what being a late bloomer did to me, turning me into a cynical twat, but I don't want to see your engagements. I don't care. In fact, no one really cares. And no, I don't think it's cute to have a public one. Love shouldn't be a performance and engagement should be an extension of a love confession, however that would look. But why are we doing it in front of people?!? Do you really want to marry the person you're proposing to or are you just making a performance and just doing it "because it's what's proper"?
Anyways, what I was trying to say is, I never fancied a thought of getting married but you know, again, it's all about the idea of having the choice. I was never even given that choice, I didn't have the chance to even have it crossed my mind⌠And I'll probably never have that choice. But I've been thinking about it in the last few years, how romantic it would be to spontaneously say "let's get married!", elope and tie the knot somewhere on a foreign land, or maybe on a ship⌠or maybe not get married at all cause that's quite a cool thing to do as well. I can definitely live without bowing to patriarchy and a ring with the blood of slavery on my finger, you know?
So, these are some of my thoughts. It's definitely not everything and I'm actually leaving out a huge chunk of my experience (or lack thereof) unspoken just because it's a very fragile chapter for me. If you're still reading this, kudos to you. To be honest I don't know if I want anyone to read this⌠but also, sometimes I wish I could scream it all out in public so I guess that's kind of me doing it right now. Lastly, maybe this will be some reversed-jinxing type of thing and soon stuff will look completely different to me⌠if fate allows and fortune smiles at me.
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By popular demand, we look at the new "it" couple in Hollywood... or... are they? Their relationship has been gaining a lot of attention and a lot of mixed feelings from people. What does astrology say about their romance?
For Harry, I'm not gonna take into consideration his rising sign, even though it would be appealing to assume his ascendant is in Libra (he has a D-rated chart and there's various time births of him of unknown origin floating around the web), especially that Zoe is a Libra rising as well. He does have a Libra Moon, which can already point to someone, who values relationships and always has to be in one. It's the social butterfly aspect, sometimes people pleaser and sometimes a huge flirt. Sometimes all of the above. He has a pretty decent stellium in the airy Aquarius (Sun, Venus, Mars; his Mercury might be either in Aqua or in Pisces) so his romantic relationships will have a flavour of a certain sense of detachment, whether it's not having a type, dating unusual people, treating romantic relationships like a sexy friendship or being swept in the idea of a romantic union more than actually grounding it in reality. it's like the concept is great but the execution lacks in substance - you're creating a mental image of a relationship and enjoy it on paper but won't really think of the practicality of it or the necessary steps to carry it forward.
For Zoe things look a bit different. Her Sun and Mercury (she has an exact Mercury cazimi!) reside in a freedom-loving Sagittarius, her Venus is in Scorpio, Mars in Aries and Moon in Virgo right next to a south node.
Her chart screams with allure and attractiveness and she probably enjoys being the heartbreaker. As a Libra rising, social appeal is important to her and so is the concept of a relationship. What causes issues is Mars in her 7th house of relationships. It's like she tries to be with one person but things quite don't work out - Mars is the severing factor here that ruins the party. It is trining her Sun and Mercury, which adds to her appeal in the eyes of others but it also squares Neptune and Saturn, which raises a red flag. Mars in a square to Saturn is lack of effort and a short-lived enthusiasm (esp with Mars being in a quick fiery Aries! It wants things fast!). Some might say this is where her "always looks bored" attitude comes from. Neptune on the other hand brings illusions and being swept off your feet quickly but without a thought - which, of course doesn't have to be bad in itself but it's like you wake up one day and the bubble pops. What's left is disappointment and then, in a true Sagi fashion, a new romantic adventure arises and is being pursued.
Another thing that doesn't help her relationships is Moon with the malefic south node, which usually points to burning bridges and sour feelings.
What drew them together?
So we have two people with issues but their charts are actually pretty complimentary. What's more troublesome are current and incoming transits that are hitting both in a big way.
Let's start from Harry's Moon being on Zoe's ascendant - that creates familiarity and attachment. Their Suns are in a sextile. Her Sun also makes nice sextiles to his Aquarius planets. Sextiles are of a venusian nature so they're pretty easy-going, balanced and friendly. This combination in synastry doesn't necessarily scream lust and crazy attraction but it's a good basis for a nice, friendship-based relationships (which fits nicely with both what a Sagittarius and an Aquarius might value). Their Mars placements are also creating a sextile so the outward expression and energy levels should be matching. Mars in Aries paired with Mars in Aquarius has the potential to be a freaky combo⌠but is it for them? I think the Mercury-Saturn conjunction in Harry's chart might make him more reserved in all kinds of fields. Aquarians like to experiment but thet often don't value physicality as much, especially not as much as a Sagittarius does.
We find yet another sextile between their Saturn placements. Lots of sextiles, we need some tension.
And we find one in the form of a Zoe's Venus making squares to Harry's Sun and Venus. Now this is where the attraction is more⌠stimulating. Any Sun-Venus and Venus-Venus aspects in synastry will create the heart-eyes factor.
Her Venus is also on his Jupiter in Scorpio. You know I love talking about Jupiter in synastry, you know I love Venus-Jupiter aspects between people. This creates attraction, yes, but more so fun and an easy-going supportive energy. It's two benefics in a union, of course it will be amazing. Venus is love, allure and romance, while Jupiter is the cheerleader, the lucky charm, the big optimist and, what's important, Jupiter wants to expand. Relationships that are build on a jupiterian influence are ever-growing, full of wanting what's best for the other and learning together. So this here is a great thing, especially that Venus rules Zoe's ascendant.
But let's not forget Jupiter ruling marriage as well - it's the planet of legal matters after all. I'm not suprised they got engaged this fast.
What about Zoe's Jupiter? Hers is in a sign-based opposition to Harry's, in Taurus. Jupiter oppositions a lot of the times do bring engagements⌠but because opposition is tense, sometimes it can break the engagement and sometimes makes of a somewhat forced marriage. I don't think I mind it here but what's more worrying is Zoe's Jupiter being retrograde in the last degree of the sign. Remember, the great benefic is important to her because her Sun is ruled by it. It being in the 30th degree can cause things falling apart prematurely. Harry's Jupiter, on the other hand, is in a square to Sun and Venus, which might cause legal troubles. Are they made for marriage or would it be more fitting for them to never tie the knot?
Now to timing⌠This is where I was scratching my head.
The nice - very nice - thing is, they allegedly started dating under the influence of Jupiter. Pun very much intended because the benevolent Jupiter makes people drunk in love. But in all seriousness, if you're going through a Jupiter transit (preferably a conjunction or a trine), you most probably will have the right people send your way by the universe. It's very optimistic and future-oriented and given Jupiter is in its exaltation in Cancer, I don't see any issues here. The couple was first spotted in August, and, not to my surprise, it's when Jupiter was joined by Venus in the sign. Now think of Harry and Zoe's Venus-Jupiter conjunction in Scorpio, receiving a nice trine from the same pair of lucky planets. That is quite gorgeous, 100 points for them from the planetary gods.
But there's also something quite⌠interesting going on here. For Zoe around that time she started dating Harry, Saturn entered into her 7th house and is now affecting her Mars. For Harry, soon that Saturn will oppose his Moon (or, we should say, it's probably already opposing it). Now, generally it can happen that Saturn in the 7th house may bring settling down. She is currently in her 2nd house profection year - so that means her 2nd house Venus is active but also, her Mars is active (cause if the rulership). This does bring themes of love (Venus) with themes of relationships (7th house Mars) into her life but the question is, how is her Mars going to take Saturn being in the sign? It does feel like a pressure cooker. It can also happen that she will insist on continuing that relationship or, alternatively, it will last as long as Saturn is in the sign (so about 2 years left).
I would like to point out that Saturn has already caused her damage as her breakup from Channing Tatum happened when transiting Saturn opposed her Moon and squared her Sun-Mercury conjunction. Is another relationship attempt under Saturn's looming shadow a good thing or is this repeating a mistake? Having a malefic planet in the 7th often brings relationships under bad astro weather on purpose - so that malefic power will be fulfilled. The engagement falling under the tense Aries stellium in her 7th house doesn't look too promising either. It is bold, that's for sure, but how grounded it is, it's hard to gauge.
For Harry, Saturn will be opposing his Moon. This luminary signifies, among other things, the woman in your life. Oppositions usually break things off but it all depends on how is this placed in his chart, which we don't know.
The real test will come later this year when Venus goes into her retrograde season. She will station at 8° Scorpio - right on Zoe's natal Venus and just 5° away from Harry's Jupiter. The retrograde will start beginning of October and will end in the middle of November but we need to remember that the whole period of Venus being in Libra and Scorpio can bring changes. It's always hard to tell if those changes will be positive or challenging. Later in the year Mars will start to gear up to retrograde in Virgo (Zoe's Moon sign) and Leo, which can double the trouble.
The positive thing here is Jupiter. Zoe, as a Sagittarius, seems to be very sensitive to Jupiter's power. She got married in 2019 when the benefic was transiting her Sun and in the summer this year Jupiter will enter Leo for a year where it will make positive trines to her fire placements. For Harry Jupiter will oppose his Aquarius planets. Given they started dating thanks to Jup, that part of their transits looks very promising. I wouldn't be surprised if they do get married with Jupiter in Leo.
The engagement ring is obnoxious af (but I mean, if they're under Jupiter's infuence, it's go big or go home I guess) but it's definitely an interesting pair and I actually don't hate them astrology-wise. So hey, we will see how this goes for them!
If anyone here uses Instagram, go give ya girl a follow! I know the current algorithm on ig is shite so every like/save/share/follow would help me A TON and would be MUCH MUCH appreciated đđđ
I will be posting weekly forecasts (I just posted the first one), some seasonal astro stuff and other fun things. The more support I'll get, the more I'll try to come up with cool content, especially that I want to utilize the fact that ig is more visual-based so it's defo going to be different than what I post here.
It's @ livie.astrology đđđ Mercurytrinemoon was too long, had to make use of my name haha
As you guys know I love analyzing relationships and looking at the synastry between people. Well today Venus is cazimi and so I decided on a whim that it would be a perfect time to start doing relationship readings (aside from the personal ones).
So you can now grab one on my website MERCURYTRINEMOONASTRO!
I offer friendship, romantic and business relationship readings. And just a disclaimer cause some of ya'll are cray cray and I already see situations like this so to be clear, I will only do readings on established relationships. That is: no readings between you and your favorite celebrity nor a guy you're crushing on who doesn't even know you exist.
I am, however, for example, happy to do a reading on someone you just freshy met and the relationship is evolving and going somewhere and you need some encouragement and tips.
The reading will resemble the latest celebrity synastry posts that you can find on my blog. Of course, it will be MUCH MUCH longer. I will cover the approach to relationships of both people as the basis. Then I will go into detail and discuss how you're relating to each other, your chemistry and potential issues and assets of the relationship.
đŤ MY NEW E-BOOK đŤ ASTROLOGICAL ALMANAC FOR 2024 NOW AVAILABLE!
Preorders for personalised versions of my Astrological Almanac are closed. The standard version is now available for purchase!
The almanac consists of:
all the major transits with degrees
planets' ingresses into the signs
planets' stationary days
Sun's ingresses into the signs with exact times (GMT)
lunations with exact times (GMT)
cazimi periods exact times (GMT)
Every date has a short description of what the energy brings, how to use it and what to avoid during that time + an introductory pages with explanations and some keywords that may be useful when using the almanac.
The calendar is over 50 pages long and is all written and illustrated by me. It's also formatted in a print-friendly way so you can easily have it printed and binded to have a cute booklet and do your own notes. I've done that myself and, as you can see, it looks â¨hella cute!⨠(it's not really formatted for duplex printing tho so keep that in mind if you do want to print it out).
You can get it NOW HERE (payment via PayPal or credit/debit card) orrrr HERE ON MY KO-FI ACCOUNT.
There's also a polish version available for my Polish peeps.
I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who preordered the personalised versions, your support means the world to me đ These were honestly a bargain cause each took me extra 8-10 hours of work, which I actually didn't expect to take so much haha, but I've put a lot of love into them and hope they will serve you well. I will start sending them out next week as I'm still doing finishing touches.
Just fingers crossed I've checked everything enough times to avoid any Mercury retrograde mistakes đ¤đ
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So I've always been familliar with astrology, as my mom used to study it ageeees ago but last year, due to some weird circumstances, I started reading on it LIKE CRAZY. Idk if it was partially due to my Saturn return in 12th house that forced me into learning that stuff (mind you, I also grabbed an unwanted tarot deck that's been laying in my house for 10 years) or was it because I had this sudden idea to look at compatibility  charts, while not knowing if you can even do that (so I actually started from studying synastry, lol), or maybe somehow both, but here I am.
That's why a few days ago I had this urge to go back on tumblr. Just because I always posted random things here and could ramble freely, whereas twitter is very limiting in that sense. Also, no one on twitter really cares. Ha.
I know astrology is kind of an "it" topic right now and everyone's into funny memes that are super generalized and stereotypical (which can be funny if you take it with a grain of salt), but what I've actually learned is that astrology is far more psychological than people think. If you study your birth chart carefully, you'll see what are your strong assets, where you can shine - that helps a lot. It can also show you your weak points and that can give you a ton of understanding and guidance. That being said, I really wish I started studying mine waaaay earlier. Maybe things could roll out differently for me. But then again, maybe that's the point. Also, maybe me grasping my own personality and getting to know my potential was just, again, part of my Saturn return realizations.
So I thought, why not start hanging out on tumblr again, but implementing some astro stuff. I'm literally drowning in astro notes and books so I can share some knowledge. Itâll be fun.
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1997 or 1998âŚI think this was the first photo we ever took together. We had just told Chester that we wanted him to join the band. He said he was ready to move out from Arizona to L.A. We went to a pizza place near UCLA to hang out and talk about what to do next. The band was called Xero at the time, and we probably had less than a half a dozen songs. No flame tattoos yet, no red hair yet, most of us were still in college.
On July 20th we lost someone who was a hero to many of us. Â A unique talent. With the kindest heart. And a smile that could cure souls. He was loved so much, by his bandmates, his family, his fans. Maybe he couldn't really grasp it, maybe he didn't really believe it.
I always called him a lil ray of sunshine and now that he's gone the world seems so much more dull and quiet. I never had a chance to meet him in person but everyone that did says he would always light up the entire room with his joyful spirit. He was loving and caring and was always excited to be with fans, meeting them or singing with them at the shows. I remember to this day when he sent his final kiss after LP's show in Wroclaw, even though I was far away in the crowd, I could feel his sparkling magical love that he sprinkled us with.
I saw LP as an epitome of a perfect band ever since I can remember. Because they are more than that, they are a family. And they all deserve the world. And Chester deserved it. We all know how open he was about his struggles, he went through so much, but he was a fighter. I cannot imagine the pain a person must be going through to take their life away. It completely crushes my heart and I wish no one suffered like this.
And I still can't believe it. Cannot comprehend it. And I think I never will. He will be missed, so much. My heart goes out to his family. And to Brad, Mike, Dave, Rob & Joe. I wish I could give you guys a big hug. We all love you so so much.
Also to the entire LP community, you guys are amazing. The amount of love and support I've seen during this past week is incredible. I love you. We are, in fact, as Chester always said, the best fans in the entire world. Please, take care of yourself and remember that you're not alone.
Fovourite singles of 2016!!! (kind offff in a specific order): Blink-182 Bored to Death | Deftones Prayers/Triangles | Britney Spears feat. G-Eazy Make Me | Britney feat. Tinashe Slumber Party | Garbage Empty | Halsey Colors | DNCE Toothbrush | Dua Lipa Blow Your Mind (Mwah) | Sum 41 Fake My Own Death | RHCP Dark Necessities | Lady Gaga Million Reasons | Ariana Grande Dangerous Woman | Beyonce Formation | Blink-182 She's Out of Her Mind | Deftones Phantom Bride | Dua Lipa Hotter Than Hell | Charli XCX Vroom Vroom | Beyonce Hold Up | Green Day Bang Bang | Charli XCX After the Afterparty | Halsey Castle | Garbage Magnetized | Green Day Still Breathing | Lady Gaga Perfect Illusion | Dua Lipa Last Dance
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