this used to be ilightfirecrackers.

my own thoughts, in the meantime, have been swirling around in my head uncontrollably.

Fearful Symmetry

http://www.megfee.com/

Kinda like listening to a fisherman's tales, or a sailor's stories at sea. There is something charming about the richness of experience of another who has gone before you many years. Maybe that is what kept me fascinated. How much I did not know, how different each life course is. Sitting under a red sky, talking about the turbulence of the sea and the signs of the clouds, I felt very at peace with this conversation, with this moment. // Everything looks slightly larger than life from the back from of a fast moving, open seat. The moon looks brighter and bigger. The Night feels more awake. I lift my head slightly to see the fast moving lights that line the road and I had a small perksofbeingawallflower moment in the infiniteness of the ride. // It is always the simple things. Familiar roads, tau huey for supper, Toh Yi Drive on a quiet night. Sometimes I feel too pampered. The simple things come too easy. I enjoy it way more than I should, perhaps. A quiet delight when I realise this is, for me. But it is the simple and the straightforward that have been my saving grace for awhile now. // At the back of my head there is an assurance of youknowwhatyouaredoing. And I feel Safe. All the reasons to be thankful for silver linings and respite, in the face of brewing unrest.

4 months after the holiday.. and just a preview. BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!

I never had wanted to be part of your world, nor did I ever belong in it. This is not something that I was unaware of. But I waded in, dipped my toes and yes, got to the point where I played with fire. It was exciting being part of your world for that while. Before I realised I needed to choose the right thing above novelty and thrill. And tonight, of all nights, I do not know quite how to feel. I had withdrawn, we had marked out the line, we had both retreated somewhat back into our lives. But tonight, when I heard about it, there is a weird, dull ache. I dont know what to make of this kind of ache. Am I angry? Bitter? Confused? Indifferent? Does this affect me at all even? And should it? I dont really know. The only thing I know is that now I really do not ever wish to part of your world again. It is not for me. It is all yours, you can have it. I pray so hard that I will never have to cross back into it ever again, and I pray so hard that we both take our separate turns, paths, routes to where we belong. I belong here and you do not belong anywhere near me. I want to say goodbye but it seems harsh. I just want to say, okay. Okay.

We continue talking, and the conversation settles into something warm and familiar. Hello old friend, I miss you, I miss this, and thank you for being such an important part of my life and still being that, today.

I thought I should just record it down somewhere, even in the fleeting, non corner of cyberspace, to remind myself that I found this beautiful, one night, when the rain was pouring outside and my soul was rather still. 

Twas the father's birthday today and Father Yap turns 59! <3 I luv this picture to bits and it is always how I will remember that my parents are the ones who lift me up. Love you daddy.

Of unrepentant sin that so easily entangles. That wraps around me and refuses to let go. That engulfs me in its wordly pleasures and senses that I become powerless and blind to what is Right, Pure and True. This is my confession of my weak ability to cast it off, of my lack of strength against the Devil's continuous attacks. This is my declaration. Of dependence on the only One who can grant me sufficient strength, grace and forgiveness for me to lift my head and face the new day with His new mercies. This is my acknowledgement that when your mind is not set on things above, then neither is your heart and neither is your will. You are what you expose yourself to. I must be foolish to think that I can prance around in the world, defenseless from the worldliness that accompanies it. How do I remind myself that I am a child of God and this world offers Nothing for me? How do I hold fast to His promises that He washes us clean time after time after time, even after we knowingly run straight into that puddle of mud to soak ourselves in it again and again. Kicking and screaming and having so much fun but hating the stench and dirt that accompanies it later, longing for cleanliness so desperately. You cannot stay covered in mud. I digress. This is my letter to the One who washes me with the Blood of the Lamb. I am not worthy to be forgiven and made right over and over. Yet this is the beauty of the cross and I will never understand it. I may hate myself to the core and yet the Cross extends its everlasting arms toward me and crowns me with its splendour. How can one make sense of this? I cannot. I can only come before Him and whisper my words of repentance which may come to mean nothing as my actions negate it the next day. But He understands. He Understands. And that is more than enough for me.

爱是一种遇见，不能等待，也没有准备。

PHOTO COURTESY OF TARNIA. My hair looks short but its not. ITS GROWING, REALLY IT IS!!!!!! 

O what would I do without Gid to indulge in my camwhoring with me. 

Meanwhile, changes in this dysfunctional but endearing department lols our lives are always exciting. ALWAYS.

I'm sorry, self, I let you down tonight. It was not cool and it was not fun. Breaking a promise that you made to yourself is fundamentally more shameful than breaking a promise you made to someone else because the circumstances are within your control. NOT COOL. Dismiss, and push away.