brittany

I had to say goodbye to my best friend a month ago today. November 8th was the worst day of my life.  I’ve been trying to process it privately to let time heal, because that’s what the folks say helps.  Except I’m still crying as much as I was.  My heart is still broken as much as it has been since I found out she was sick with cancer.  The hole in my heart is just as big as the day it was ripped out of my chest when she passed, and every single day since then...I have to feel it.  That hole only gets bigger.  It doesn’t get easier like people say. I feel like I’ve been lied to.  

I’m not a poet.  I’m not good with articulating words that reflect my feelings.  I’ve tried...and nothing can capture how empty I feel without my sweet Hoon.  My mean bean.  My Hunnis.  My chunky chicken.  My Behoonda Shiggity shig with the nice bunny foot.  She was my constant.  If I had a bad day, she was there with kisses and companionship.  If I had a good day, she’d make biscuits in my hair because she knew my mood.  She knew I’d tolerate her creepiness with joy and love because she was giving me the best of her obvious affection.

All time helps you do is forget things...the things that meant the most to you in hopes that you’ll move on once enough of the pain has passed.  I don’t want to dwell, but I don’t ever want to forget.  I’m trying to find the balance and probably completely failing at that.  

I miss you, Butters.  And I’ll never forget the love and mutual peace we shared with each other.  Sometimes I feel like I’ll never recover from this, and then I think about how you kicked asses and took names and I realize that I have to.  I have to because you were the sassiest and smartest and most loving kit kat I ever knew or will know.  <3 

In your name, butterball shugginah,

I love you more than anything...and that will never change...