amy

It's been 2 years and people still don't realise I can barely go a day without thinking about you

I actually think loving or liking me is one of the hardest fucking things a person could do, because I am not a rewarding, easy or good person to know. My BPD is a disease. I'm fucking diseased. I need to stop meeting new people or continuing friendships because people shouldn't have to know me.

I'm sick of my BPD. It's a fucking disease. I am diseased. I hate how violently I love and obsess and spiral. It's like a virus that infects other people, who have to be subjected to my indescribable emotional intensity. It's uncomfortable, it's unfair, it's stolen relationships from me because I can barely regulate myself. Why is it fair that I have to be alive and dealing with every little thing feeling like the most devastating, suicidally painful emotional blow I have ever had? Why do I have to have a life where one person not talking to me for a couple days has left me with that feeling behind my eyes like I need to sob, and my chest hurts, and I fantasise about cutting? Why do I have to get a constant flow of reassurance about my priority in life and if I'm a worthy friend just to function? To my very bones, I'm so exhausted.

How is it so easy for you to not have a conversation with me