yeoman janice rand

"A little girl outside just started crying when she saw this shirt."

"Are you a fan of delicious flavor?"

"Don’t be exactly half of an 11 pound black forest ham."

"Don’t panic. Those bites are consistent with a T-Rex bite."

"Great. Now you’ve gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list."

"How can you tell that someone’s a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren’t on fire."

"How do you just eat when there’s a dead guy laying there?"

"I can’t spend the night in the museum. I don’t have my toothbrush, I don’t have my multi-vitamins, and oh yeah, I don’t want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger."

"I can’t watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It’s like every newscast begins with a lie."

"I don’t ask questions I don’t want to know the answers to."

"I don’t like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head."

"I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy."

"I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry."

"I had no idea you were so serious about bowling."

"I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!"

"If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now."

"Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt. Call it the Tight Bouncer or the Hexagon."

"Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you."

"The spirits tell me your little pants are on fire."

"This car makes me want to weep and then die."

"What are you doing? We don’t know anything about delivering warthog babies."

"Where’d you get that juice box and does it come in grapalicious?"

"Where’d you get that suit, the toilet store?"

"Why do people say, ‘I could care less’ when they really mean, ‘I couldn’t care less?’"

"Why you dirty, filthy rascal with the suede, suede head."

"You cannot sit here in a dark car all alone. You’ll be picked up for mopery."