I met this man
and had a magical night
Followed by a wonderful date.
I thought he was my dream man.
Attentive, romantic, kind.
As ashamed as I am,
A Frenchman swept me off my feet
As we played a couple in a game.
He dared to like me.
Even asked me on a date,
Something no man
Has ever done.
When we met again
It was filled with pleasure.
He gave me my first orgasm.
When it was his turn,
He told me,
“If I take too long,
It's not you.
It's because
I watch porn every day.”
He detailed his anger
And impatience
When he goes without
The severe impact on his mood..
It dawned on me
He was addicted
And it was to
The one thing
I could never compete with.
I give him what he wants
But it wouldn’t leave my mind.
Each time he looks at my body
I think of all those he has seen.
The ones in impossible positions
Covered in surgeries
Designed to please men.
Everything I do is erotic
Because that’s all women are to him.
He claims he only watches “normal sex,”
But fantasises about sleeping with two girls.
I jest saying,
“Good thing I’m bi.”
But my smile doesn’t reach my eyes.
Afterwards,
He holds me in his bed
Satisfied
But I still haven’t recovered.
I voice,
“I don’t think I'm what you want.”
And that we can’t be together.
I tell him he needs help
And that I will help him get it.
He hugs me.
When I think he is about to cry.
He thanks me.
For the past week,
We have been ‘friends.’
He listened to me,
And told his parents
Asked them for help.
I promised to help him
Get his life back.
It is starting to work.
He has a job
A therapist on the way
He’s doing his hobbies again
I am getting him new friends.
He’s stopped for now,
But how long will it take
For him to break?
Last I saw him,
He kissed me on the cheek.
My face flushed
As if it were the night we met.
I want to be with him,
But I can’t.
He needs a friend
Not a girlfriend.
All that should be on his mind
Is getting better,
But I still want him.
The thing is
Even if he were better,
I don’t know if we
Could be happy.
With an addict,
You can never trust them.
Even if he calls me
His one and only,
It will never just be me.
His mind may heal,
But the urges
May never disappear.
I worry I will never
Find a man
As good as him
With a porn addiction.
The more research I do,
The more I see it
In every man I see.
I have not known him long
But I know I could love him
And maybe I do,
But I can’t.
It would only hurt me.
My stocmach churns at the thought.
Of checking his phone
And finding dozens of women
I look nothing like.
A year from now,
Things may change.
He may be well,
So might I,
But there are no guarantees.
I shouldn’t wait
Or try to fix him,
So why do I want to?
I have to stop myself
Each time I go in for a kiss.
We are friends
That’s all we can be.
It may be all
We will ever be
Because,
For most of his life,
His pleasure has come
From girls on a screen.
Still, I’ll be there for him
Until he recovers
Surrounded by the support system
I am helping him build.
He doesn’t know it yet,
But that is when I will leave.
Being near him,
Even as friends
Hurts,
And it won’t stop hurting
Until I am gone.
One day,
I’ll say goodbye.
The next time he calls,
The line will be dead.
His number will be blocked.
I’m not leaving
Because I don’t love him
But because I do.
Loving him
Could kill me,
And I have to do what it takes
To survive.
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