cant believe lemony snicket wrote “I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence, and as justice loves to sit and watch everything go wrong.” and expected me to be okay afterwards

Oh, I’ve had that one. Go with “yes.” Don’t give them a number, just say “Yes.” Then they still have to offer a number and you can deny it without contradicting yourself. They could just ask you, at that point, but that’s suspiciously similar to saying they don’t know, and they tend to avoid doing that.

Reblog to save a life

Steve Harvey, walking forward: [audience cheering and clapping] YES!!! KILL!!!!!! [board changes, with a ding, to reveal the word “KILL”]

Why are bugs so obsessed with looking like plants be yourself

A bird wrote this

The vibe station…..

*sticks fingers in the table holes*

*gets fingers stuck and quietly tries to subtly pull them out so people don’t realize but that shit hurts like a bitch, so its hard to keep your cool.“

Sometimes you have experiences that you don’t think much about, but also assume nobody else has had them and a post like this comes around and it’s like getting kicked in the face