start referring to things you own as “your inventory”

“Jackie did I give you my keys?” “idk lemme check my inventory *rustling in purse*”

“yeah mom hold on one sec I just need to equip my shoes”

go to the concert of a local band you’ve never heard of or have a water balloon fight at 2 a.m or go to a new restaurant you’ve been wanting to go to, but for god’s sake, stop falling into the idea that you have to be traveling all the time or have tons of money to have incredible adventures and make your life mean something.

Let dogs and cats sniff… Just let them fhcnking sniff… They love it

She’s a fucking genius

Having Depression for years is so wild because you just kinda become?? Desensitized to your own suffering?? Like yeah I want to kill myself every day. Oh, oh yeah normal people don’t have that????? Oh shit I forgot

She did not have to go that hard.

a concept: future jake and amy having a kid BUT amy goes into labour on halloween and jake has to figure out if amy is cheating him out of the heist or if he’s actually about to have a kid

bold of you to assume she didnt plan to get pregnant exactly 9 months before halloween so that its actually both

bold of you to assume it wasnt jake who planned to get her pregnant exactly 9 months before so she’d be thrown off by contractions

bold of all of us to assume Holt didn’t pick an exact date to compliment them both so they’d have validation horniness so that jake AND amy were in disadvantage during the heist

oh this is my goldfish his name is wet little bitch

still can’t believe that someone would write Padme dying from “loosing her will to live” after just having two beautiful babies and meanwhile that burned circus peanut has enough will to survive 100% burning and tripple amputation. only a man could write that bullshit.

i’m babysitting this 4 year old kid today and as his dad was leaving he said “be good today” and the kid responded by saying “dad i will punch you in the leg” 

so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss 

lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this paragraph