THIS IS A MESS

I also punched a wall last night and fucked up my hand

I don’t know where to start.

What do you do when the person you love tells you that they’re depressed and want to move back to St. Louis when you’ve never been happier with your life and going back to St. Louis is no longer an option for you?

When you asked me to move to Nashville with you, I didn’t even hesitate before I said yes. The way we moved down here was so fast and sudden, I don’t want to leave in the same way.

You hate your job, and you haven’t even tried looking at other ones. My work has offered you a job multiple times, with better hours and better pay, and you refuse. My boss has told me how much she loves/values me and would do whatever it takes to keep me. She even offered to help me pay my rent.

We do pay too much in rent, every other place we’ve looked at isn’t good enough for you or costs too much even if it’s significantly lower than our rent now. It feels like you’re just making excuses.

You say you miss your friends back home. To be honest you never really saw them that often anyway, and when you did they get drunk and say inappropriate things to me/ have groped me. It feels like you haven’t given your friends down here a chance. You have way more friends than I do, some how I’m managing.

I’ve never told you this before. I’ve never told anyone this before. One of the biggest reasons holding me back from even considering going back to St. Louis is that I don’t think I could ever stomach having to face my abuser. The person who has physically, emotionally, and mentally scarred me. I’ve never said the words out loud or even written it down before. It was my birthday and I was unconscious when it happened. I didn’t find out what had happened to me until the next day as he laughed when he told me what he had done to me. At the time I refused to let myself think much of it, he was my boyfriend so that made it okay, right? I couldn’t understand it and I never really gave it a chance to process it all. Two years later and this is still something I struggle with and think about constantly. At least down here I’m away from it all.

I want you to do what you need to do. I want for you to be happy and it’s killing me to know that you feel this way. I’m terrified that what’s best for me is no longer what’s best for you, and what’s best for you is no longer what’s best for me.

You asked me to completely restart my life by moving down here and I did and I am thriving. Now less than a year later you’re asking me to do the same thing.

Either I stay in Nashville and be miserable with out you, or I go back to St. Louis and be miserable anyway.

Ive been getting lost in my head lately. I’ve convinced myself that you don’t really love me anymore and that you’re just staying with me out of obligation because you feel guilty and feel like you’d “be abandoning me in Nashville “ if you ever left. You’ve said the phrase yourself.

I can’t risk leaving everything behind that I’ve worked so hard to accomplish down here if you’re just going to break up with me as soon as we move back home, just because you’d “feel bad”....