fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.
[ID: A set of images with a very pale yellow background and dark red text and drawings. The text and drawings are the following:
First image: Text reads: "i am a tall child with no lap to crawl into and cry in. so i make a big show of wounded skin, hoping someone pries in.ย //shame clots in my blood. [start bold letters] i am humiliated, just by existing [end bold letters]"
Second image: Text reads: "the hatred for the word mother is so sweet ["mother" and "sweet" are boldened]. // you can hate everything related to it: mother tongue, mother's hometown, motherhood, everything. // but then you say [start bold] mom [end bold], and you're six years old again, standing at the foot of her bed, waiting for her to open the covers, let you in, and ask you about your misery. // you know, [start bold, underlined] before she became a part of it. [end bold, underlined]"
Third image: A drawing of a realistic ribcage, and a small scribble under it. Below it, the text reads: "i have my father's nose and all his rage, but i have my mother's face and her grief [these last two words are circled] // rage, i have learned to wear. my mother's grief, however, folds my spine and lives beneath my ribs. it gets heavier and heavier."
Fourth image: Text reads: "i am overwhelmed by her presence sometimes. you're here? you're here to stay? // and now that i think about it, i haven't been kind to my mother either. // [start bold, underlined] the art of jabbing knives is hereditary [end bold, underlined]."
Fifth image: Text reads: "i feel the need to apologize to everyone who knows me. the inconvenience that i have caused them by making my existence known. // i walk into a room and search for an empty seat so that no one has to go through the painful act of sitting with me. // i try my best to make myself easy to swallow, easy to digest."
Sixth image: Text reads: "i love a lot. it burns my chest. / but from a distance. / always from a step back." Below, there's a realistic sketch of a door ajar. To the door's right, text reads: "i am standing near the door, in case i need to leave // [start bold] before i get left [end bold]."
Seventh image: A realistic drawing of a burning ship sinking in the ocean. There are people and horses trying to swim and stay afloat in the waves. Below the drawing, text reads: "and i memorized the pathways people took to leave. eyes closed, i can trace all the patterns that shape out to be: // [start bold] "you're a burning ship; / a vicinity one must always flee." [end bold]"
Eight image: Text reads: "and it is my fault: [start bold] pretending to be the ship when i am the fire [end bold]. // with my baggage that cascades like a filthy broken sink, the second [start bold] i mistake kindness for a token of love [end bold] (i always do). // [start strikethrough] my thirst for concern has done me far more damage than my hunger for starvation [end strikethrough] [the word "starvation" is highlighted]. // oh, dear lord, one must always run. " There's a drawing of a lighter on the bottom left corner of the image.
Ninth image: Text reads: "i know i make it very hard to love me, and i wish i could change that. // but somehow i have learned to hold my pride better than i hold most people." Below, there's two bleeding holes, resembling gunshot wounds.
Tenth image: The background of this picture has pale red scribbles. The text reads: "all my tangents turn into curved lines, / it's the same damn thing, / i know my crime: // i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time." /END ID]
