relentless longing for the gothic and grotesque @dionyrtal - Tumblr Blog

new substack entry: the home is a house is a haunting is a motion. thinking about what home is and why it necessitates flight.

read here

#dionyrtal #writeblr #writing #words #home #on leaving #personal essay #substack #writers on tumblr #blog #digital diary #writing life

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dionyrtal

it's almost phd admission decision season which means that i have to Overthink every life decision and see myself as the Worst Applicant to Ever Exist

dionyrtal

first rejection email..... I Will Wither Away

dionyrtal

five rejections... everyday i live in agony

dionyrtal

on the other hand, i can apply again and again and again until i'm sick of it. which means that i will never lose

dionyrtal

re: phd applications

i think i'm also trying to cope with the loss of an expected/imagined self who still has her own place, independent, reading and writing what she loves and a self who thought herself to be more competitive. it's a strange feeling to feel this untethered from what i know about myself honestly as i also need to think about packing all my life again in 3 suitcases and moving back in with my parents.

i thought i got better at not attaching my worth to an arbitrary scale of success but i guess not and it will really be a huge step back. i'll figure it out eventually but i really hate this feeling of suspension. and i just feel tired trying to articulate how I feel to people without tearing up or thinking about how colossal this loss will feel in a couple months.

dionyrtal

final rejection landed in my inbox yesterday. I AM FREE!!!!! i can finally make plans with friends from home again!!!!!

dionyrtal

i had to break the Unfortunate News to my professors who kindly took time to answer my questions about the application process and wrote me recommendation letters. i was so anxious to talk about my rejection again and to write to people i look up to as scholars, mentors, and people.

i think that's why i sent the emails (which were more vulnerable than i expected to ever write) after the summer break started, so they would be slower to respond (if they'd respond at all) and i wouldn't have to think about what they would think of me.

one of my professors replied so quickly and she was so kind and supportive of my decision to apply again, even saying that i would be a great phd student! 🥺 i haven't answered her email yet but it's so comforting to know there's someone in your corner who believes in your abilities.

so suddenly i'm back in the loop again, looking at programs, going over my statements, revising papers. i don't know if the result will be any different this time, but i want to give it one more shot before i put that dream on shelf for a while.

BUT THE SAGA CONTINUES AND THE REST REMAINS TO BE SEEN

dionyrtal

back at it again aka looking at programs where i can focus on trauma studies (and maybe combine it with digital humanities??). and this is still hard and confusing lol

but if you're also in the trenches: I SEE YOU!!

#phd applications #personal #gradblr #phdblr #ugh this again

dailyflicks

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975) dir. Peter Weir

themakeupbrush

Christian Dior Spring 2024 Haute Couture

dionyrtal

JANUARY 2026, new recipe: creamy mushroom soup. pictured after eating half of it. 5/5 experience.

(will update this thread)

dionyrtal

FEBRUARY 2026, new recipe: apple crumble. realized halfway through that i used the wrong kind of apples but it still turned out delicious. served it to my friends with vanilla ice cream. 4/5

dionyrtal

MAY 2026, new recipe: coconut macaroons drizzled with dark chocolate for movie night with friends. it turned out crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. the dark chocolate was a great finishing touch that balanced the sweetness of coconuts and condensed milk. 5/5

MARCH 2026 was lentil soup (not pictured), also 5/5. APRIL 2026 was street corn dip (not pictured), also 5/5.

dionyrtal

JUNE 2026, new recipe: enchiladas by candlelight. i'm deliberately choosing recipes that i won't be able to cook back home. this was yummy!! i think i partially messed it up though. 3.5/5.

#cooking #making 2026 better one recipe at a time #enchiladas #new recipe

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soleilinfini

mary oliver, staying alive

phantomofthehoepera

I want the record to state I have never been this hard in my entire life

metamorphesque

musings on June

1. anne sexton (“the truth the dead know”), 2. anne sexton (“suicide note poem”), 3. mary oliver (“august”), 4. l.m. montgomery (“anne of the island”), 5. morgan parker (“the black saint & the sinner lady & the dead & the truth”), 6. found poems: sylvia plath / peter k. steinberg (“percy key among the narcissi”) artwork by hugo grenville

kosmogrl

am I unforgivable or is it just thursday

i'm so sad i'm late to the maple bacon flavor😭

#personal #thanks farmers market for putting me on maple bacon cookies #my life changed

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stydixa

MARILYN MONROE AS SUGAR CANE SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959) Dir. Billy Wilder

sophsun1

Some Like It Hot (1959) dir. Billy Wilder

victoria-pedretti

SOME LIKE IT HOT 1959 — dir. Billy Wilder

#cinema is real #love this

i'm selling most of stuff because i only have 3 suitcases. the hardest part so far has been seeing people buy my books. i feel like i'm tearing apart who i have been here, participating in my own destruction. i know it's dramatic to say but i get a tinge of pain every time i move a book to the SOLD pile, as if i'm giving up on myself. it also makes all of this moving back home process feel very real and unavoidable.

#personal #god i wish i could stay in my little apartment with my friends living in walking distance #and get coffee with them every week #and host movie nights and just have this corner of my world untouched #alas one must move on

i tried... i read 100 pages but today, i'm officially DNF'ing drive your plow over the bones of the dead.

maybe it was a wrong time to read this book, but i found it so dull and unnecessarily meandering that i just couldn't care about anyone or anything happening in it :(

#personal #reading

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attendingthetale

having an iliad summer. doing a ton of brooding. might be blinded by selfishness and/or rage. considering unexpectedly dying to my hubris. hopefully that wont have devastating effects

nobrashfestivity

Edvard Munch, Drawing for The Kiss, 1895

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relentless longing for the gothic and grotesque