Doin' It Blacker

So, a week after those wee, thievin’ squirrels ransacked me hoose, I thought I was done wi’ the lot of ‘em. But nae—turns out, they were plannin’ somethin’. Squirrels dinnae forget, and these furry fiends had unfinished business.

I’m in me kitchen, tryin’ to make meself a nice cuppa, when I hear a scritch-scritch-scratch at the door. Now, I know that sound well. I freeze, spoon mid-air, and think, Nae again. But sure as the heather on the hills, when I peek oot the window, there’s that same ringleader from before—big bushy tail twitchin’, eyes glintin’ like a madman wi’ a grudge.

Before I can blink, BAM! The door flies open! How they managed it, I dinnae ken. Must’ve learned tae jimmy locks. These squirrels were nae ordinary rodents—they were a coordinated force, aye, a furry militia.

They came in waves. First tae storm the kitchen, knockin’ over the sugar jar, scatterin’ it like snow. I screamed, “Ye’ll nae take me sugar, ye heathens!” but one of ‘em looks me dead in the eye and dunks his wee face right into the sugar like it was his birthright. The audacity!

Then they spread oot, laddie, like maraudin’ Vikings. One of the cheeky devils had the gall tae hop up on me counter and start rummagin’ through me bread bin. I shout, “Och! Ye better nae lay a paw on me rolls, ye wee menace!” But sure enough, he’s sittin’ there munchin’ away, crumbs flyin’ like confetti.

I grab me broom again, swearin’ vengeance, swingin’ like a man possessed. “Out wi’ ye! Out, ye scoundrels!” But these blighters were nae scared this time—they were organized, like they’d had a strategy meetin’ in the trees. One squirrel darts left while another distracts me by runnin' circles around me legs. It was pure pandemonium!

And then it happened—the real disaster. As I’m fightin’ tae defend me territory, I hear a strange, ominous clatter upstairs. I think, Nae, it cannae be. But sure enough, the sneakiest of the lot had made their way into me attic! There’s bangin’, crashin’—sounds like they’re settin’ up a full-on squirrel fortress up there. By this point, I’m red in the face, sweatin’ buckets, and shoutin’ so loud I’m sure the neighbors thought I’d gone mad.

I race up the stairs, two at a time, broom in hand like a knight wi’ a sword, ready to reclaim me attic. I burst through the door, and there they are—midway through buildin' some kind o’ cursed squirrel stronghold out o’ me Christmas decorations and old boxes. One’s sittin’ in a Santa hat, lookin’ smug as ye like!

I bellow, “This is war, ye wee fur-covered demons! OUT! OUTTA ME HOOSE!” But the squirrels, ach, they just scatter about, like they’re mockin’ me, leavin’ a mess o’ baubles and tinsel behind as they flee back tae their trees.

By the end, the hoose was a disaster zone—sugar everywhere, crumbs ground intae the carpet, Christmas garlands hangin’ from the ceilin’. I stood in the wreckage, broom in hand, and vowed, “Next time... next time, ye little monsters, I’ll be ready. I’ll have traps, I’ll have nets, I’ll have the lot!”

But tae this day, I still find squirrel fur stuck in me sofa, and I swear, every now and then, I catch a glimpse o’ their beady eyes watchin’ me from the trees... plottin’ their next move.

Mark me words—they’ll be back. But so will I.

....So they stole your Christmas decorations and used 'em before Halloween's even started?

Oh naaaah, those squirrels are menaces. You gotta get revenge just for that alone.

I glance over, and there they were. Squirrels! A whole army of the wee beasties, their beady eyes glowin’ like they were ready for battle. One jumps onto the window ledge, twitchin’ its tail like it owns the place. Before I could grab me broom, the cursed thing had wiggled its way in through a crack, bold as ye please!

I stood up and bellowed, “Get oot o’ here, ye scurryin’ rats wi’ fancy tails!” But did they listen? Of course not. Nay, they called for reinforcements! A dozen more came pourin’ in, clawin’ at the curtains, knockin’ over me potted plants. One even had the nerve to sit on me fireplace mantle like a king on a throne! The cheek!

I swung me broom wildly, tryin’ to reclaim me castle, but they were fast, too fast. It was like battlin’ a swarm o’ midges, except these midges had sharp claws and a thirst for chaos. They got into me cupboards, tearin’ into me biscuits, scatterin’ crumbs everywhere. I could hear the sound of havoc in every corner—crashin’, scritchin’, and the occasional squeal of victory from one o’ the furry devils.

And the worst part? They found me secret stash o’ peanuts. The peanuts! I tried to stop them, but there’s nae stoppin’ a squirrel on a mission, especially when nuts are involved. They hoisted the bag like they were plunderin’ treasure, scamperin’ off with it up the chimney like some kind o’ fluffy pirates.

By the time they were done, the place was in ruins. I stood there, broom in hand, heart racin’, as the last o’ the vermin scampered out the door, as if they’d won the day. And maybe they had.

But mark me words, the next time they come back—if they dare—I’ll be ready, aye. With more than just a broom and a shout. Aye, next time, I'll have traps.

Somehow my first instinct was to read this in the Demoman's voice and that made this whole story WAY better.

Too lazy to order them right now, so I'll just drop one per series.

Hazama- Blazblue

Koki Kariya- The World Ends With You

Santa- Zero Escape: 999

Maya Fey- Ace Attorney

Goro Majima- Yakuza

Ringo- Soul Hackers 2

Ramlethal Valentine- Guilty Gear

Claude- Fire Emblem Three Houses

Hwoarang- Tekken