I'm so tired of constantly feeling tired, anxious and not doing anything about it.
We all were in this point of life when nothing, absolutely nothing make us happy, motivated, excited, curious. I'm 18 years old and still think that i'm nothing. I have no principles, interests and traits that would make my character stand out. Now don't say that not being special is okay. Not being stand out from crowed is okay. It's not, we all should stand out from society, become unique if we already aren't. I don't even think that i have a personality, i was always the type of girl who wouldn't argue with you, agreed with you every time, not ask too many questions, prioritizing others before myself. Now i know that this is half my fault, but mostly it's because of the environment i grew up in. They always cherished how kind i was, how i looked poor and sad when i was buying my friends something with the money i saved up instead of spending it on myself, i thought it was okay, i thought that kindness made me unique.
That kind of kindness will not help you survive in this world if you don't know your self worth and boundaries.
I thought if i just did everything he wanted me to, he wouldn't get mad, wouldn't yell at me, wouldn't make me nervous and destroy my already non-existent self-esteem.
The way i tried to get into the frames of this world is not something i wish anyone tried. This way is disgusting and harmful. Being scared and as a result not fighting to that fear is disgusting. Not stick up for yourself is more damaging then fighting for yourself and self-worth.
''Oh so the time came when i start to feel like this''
''Oh i still feel like this, it's okay it will pass, it's a puberty''
''Oh my thoughts are getting worse, i'm still young i take everything dramatically''
''Oh i think, it's okay i'm gonna be okay when i grow up, it's just an age''
I'm 18 years old - ''Oh..."
Time went and my feelings disappeared, my excitement of living faded away, my thoughts took turn in a bad way, where i never thought they would.
I always envied confident and ambitious kids, there were something i always wanted to be. Why i wasn't born like them? why was i so...weak in everything i have tried? i want to be like them.
''Will they laugh at me if i say my dreams?''
''My dreams are so unrealistic, they would think i'm not capable of achieving them''
''Maybe i will try something else, more normal and more believable of my character''.
With that mindset do you know what happened? i damaged myself again i was constantly changing my dreams to be real to people's expectations. As a result i got a very bad habit: Loosing interest very easily in everything.
''I want to become an artist''
-no one has seen my drawings before-
"i want to become a ballerina''
-They know i'm not good enough-
''I'll try becoming a writer''
-I don't have enough talent, besides my parents never would let me-
''Can i become someone?''
I never had talent in anything, nothing that would help me make a career out of it. Because of my damaged mental health, which was severe low self-esteem, no confidence, lack of concentration, intrusive thoughts that would usually led me to hurting and hating myself, i never get to decide anything by myself.
One day i asked my classmate in what major she was going for in University.
''Psychology! It's so interesting''
i don't remember that day besides those words.
What did i knew about psychology? that they treated people, helped them becoming best versions of themselves, overcoming their fears.
The reason i chose psychology wasn't to help people, or get money.
''If i become psychologist, i'm going to help myself.''
For the first time in my life i chose something for myself, i chose getting help for myself.
But that wasn't enough. I still had to fight for that way, i needed to study.
My mind got really slow when i started doing professional ballet, i was always working my body rather than mind and when they said that i didn't had a potential for becoming a ballerina, i got devastated
that was something i was doing since i was 4 years old. it was like a part of me, that everyone knew.
''I'm hoping to see you in big theaters!''
''You really look like a ballerina!''
''Are you still doing ballet?''
''oh why did you stopped?''
i was so ashamed of telling the truth. I loved ballet, i really did, but i didn't realized that before i left.
Not doing ballet gave me severe depression. I was always in my room, not eating, not drinking water, always laying in bed, my room was so messy my mother was always yelling and threatening me to lock down the room. My skin got so bad from not eating and drinking water, eye bags appeared, severe acne appeared, i got skinny, my hair started falling out so much that i got bald on right side.
My mood extremely changed. I wasn't talking, always nodding, agreeing with people, not arguing with them if i was thinking the exact opposite.
''If i say something they will start yelling or upsetting. I'm going to be quiet and just agree with them''
Of course because of that my mind got lost, i couldn't think properly and it's enough to understand how i was doing in school. I knew i had to study to become that ''psychologist who would help myself''
But i was also aware of the fact that i got so...weak in everything, i couldn't memorize or understand anything. I couldn't solve simple problems. And i was so mad about myself because of that.
''I'm not good enough, i will never will be''
i had that mindset for 10 years and sometimes it still comes back.
IT IS POSSIBLE. only we are capable of changing ourselves not others. IT IS POSSIBLE to change the mindset. IT IS POSSIBLE, to become the person you always looked up to.
''i don't have skill, ability, or talent for that''
YOU CAN IMPROVE IT, there's literally nothing you can't improve in yourself.
Want to draw? practice it and you will.
Want to write a book? practice it and you will.
Want to become a ballerina? PRACTICE AS HARD AS YOU CAN AND DON'T EVER LISTEN TO OTHERS.
I didn't became what i wanted because i was scared of others opinions and how they perceived me
''LEARN TO SAY FUCK YOU TO THE WORLD''
Improving yourself is the best challenge you can give to yourself, most interesting and adventurous journey. Nothing will come on a silver plate, you have to go for it yourself. you have to WORK, you have to STUDY. Don't wait for motivation, GO TO MOTIVATION, as long as you start fighting for you dreams, wishes and fighting for yourself, you will start to feel such.a.relief.
I know most of you probably lay in bed right now, while your assignments are waiting to write itself. but you won't become someone you want if you don't challenge yourself, you will never be who you want to be. And if you still have no idea what you want to become. FIND IT. START LOOKING EVERYWHERE, FIND A WAY TO SOMEHOW CHOOSE YOU WANT.
Don't let yourself be that disgusting self again. it gives you nothing good. it's harmful and unfair.
Fight for yourself and someday you will be someone's example and inspiration.
Fight only for yourself. Love firstly yourself, Cherish and admire yourself because you are the longest who's stuck with you.
You are only one, who should take a big care of YOU.
tangentwithtanner
kianamaiart
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
andulkaphoto
germansingergirl
