I bleed ink.

I barely know how to begin this letter. It's been about 7 years since it happened and it's been 2 years since it happened and a year since it happened and the list just goes on. All of 'it' comes back to haunt me at night when i'm alone and in the day when i'm amidst the crowd. It's inescapable. And it's because of you. Yet you feel not one ounce of remorse. It must feel great being able to put that massive of an issue on my feeble shoulders and childlike mind. It absolutely crushed me then, and it still does now. I can say that i did get a little better because the pill bottle doesn't entice me anymore, but the pain of the past didn't miraculously leave me. It's going to be with my forever and it's attached to me like some parasite. And it's your fault and I can never forgive you. I thought you became better but your mindset never changed for even a minute. Part of me feels so ashamed that I ever thought of giving it another shot. Deep down I knew you'd never change and yet I so foolishly tried to hold on to that glimmer of hope. No matter how tempting it is sometimes, I don't think I can bear to get hurt again and again, so I've decided to never let you anywhere near me. I'm too broken for this. It's late at night and I can't bring myself to do anything because the trauma is a noose around my neck and shackles around my ankles. I can't move, I can't pick up my pen and I can't fucking breathe. My life is slowly being ripped apart because I don't have the strength to keep it together. But i'm trying so hard and eventually, one day, I'll patch it up because you will not be the downfall of me. But right now, my trauma is rocking me into a deep sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be less painful. A girl can still hope, right?

Keres, you will always be a killer to me.

With a tear-streaked face and heavy eyelids,

have a goodnight,

I tried to write back to you as soon as i could but lately everything has felt too difficult to do. It's too suffocating here, and i just can't wait to run back to you. In a few moons, i'll be there. Right in front of you. Looking at you. And i'll never have to stop. But as of right now, i'm stuck here. I think of you daily, and that's the only thing that's helping me get through these macabre days, weeks, months and years. Everything's spinning too fast and there's a heavy metal weight rested on my chest. It makes it hard to breathe. It sinks deeper into my chest everyday. The thought of you makes it easier though. I still have hope for us. I can't wait, Jae. The day I'll be able to call my own shots, make something of myself and be with you. We can get through this and do so much. I can't wait. It's going to be a fresh start, for both of us.

Feeling safer amidst the raging fire,

Thank you for checking in on me. I know i’ve become distant and i apologise for not getting back to you sooner. I’ve been telling myself i’ll write back to you for weeks but i never did, until today at least. The weight of the world is crushing on me and i’m trying immensely hard to keep my head above the water. I tried to write back to you sooner. I tried to pull through. I tried to stand up straight. But it feels like everyone is moving on and i’m just stagnant. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others but I can’t help it. It’s heartbreaking that this toxic competitive culture is rooted so deeply into our society. The world is moving too fast and I’m desperately trying to keep up. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next month but we all make it in the end, right? I hope that’s true. I hope that I can one day thrive, and not just survive, in this demanding world. And I hope you’re doing much better than I am, that you’re happy.

Here’s to much better days,

The most powerful thing to ever exist is hope. Hope can change everything. We break our backs everyday because we have hope for the future. You can lose everything and still stand but the minute you lose hope, you lose the ability to ever breathe. I hope you never lose hope. I know the rope necklace around your neck is becoming tighter, but i hope you find it in you to break free. I’ll always hope for the best for you.

With all my heart,

Time has passed us by. Looking back at all the old photographs of us felt like a huge blanket being wrapped around me. With every smiling moment woven into perfect stitches on the blanket. It was so long ago, I can barely recall those days. Those memories seem like a lifetime away. I want to feel like how i did in the pictures again but i don’t know how. Then i realised that behind those picture perfect moments were tears, blood and heartache. I can’t recall those days because they never existed. Those pictures just make up a fabricated story. The blanket around my shoulders has started to weigh me down. I shut the album and throw it across the room. I remembered why i had to leave. I remembered those days where the hardwood floor was my closest companion. I remembered you treading across the shattered glass that was my soul. I strike a match and watch the album go up in flames, just like our relationship. I sink to the ground and watch the flames destroy it all. It’s for the best i mutter to myself. Some scars never fade but i hope your ways do. i hope you’ve become a better person. I hope you live for you and not for the world. I hope for you everyday.

With scars on my fingertips,