NightDayUniverse

What she means: I've been explicitly and implicitly taught since birth to value the feelings of others over my own feelings and to conceal all negative emotion so as to avoid making anyone else uncomfortable and be a "good girl" so maybe that means that you now have to put in a little extra effort to make me feel safe enough to express myself honestly and maybe that's annoying but imagine how it feels for me

Matthew 6:33, NLT

I wonder what it's like to be a bird,    not worrying about what tomorrow brings or what it means,    not worrying about what mark you are making    or how long your name will live after you die; when death is not to be feared just to be avoided,    and providing for your children easily becomes a matter of life or death where you    will go unhesitanty to any extreme to leave them the best. Where flying high is a normal day occurrence,     the risk of falling isn't the first thought,     and how high you can go isn't your last. I wonder what it's like to be a wolf,    where everyone struggles to survive,    and where corruption and dirtiness lead to inevitable demise. Where sharing is a must and solid communication is a necessity. Running as a group is known to have more prominent effects       and soloists rarely survive. Everyone is accepted and seen as useful and those who are not      humbly resign to start afresh at where they are of use. Life is a living example of the pains that their parents took to ensure survival for the pack and none of their motives have swayed from those of its founders. I wonder what it's like to be a whale,     where everything you do has an immediate and massive effect on your environment, all you need to keep you going is the tiniest of foods,      where by your very nature you are created to be awe inspiring,      and where everyone will travel great distances in their lives.   Wouldn't it be great to be something else, where everything is simple and indefinite and presently focused? At times I wish to be a bird, a wolf, a whale, but whom am I to wish to become estranged from the human side of things? I know what it's like to make decisions about tomorrow, choosing based on your own individuality, making the choice whether to stand with a pack or to start a new trail. What it's like to take what life has given you or to ignore its offers and offer it some of your own. To choose to live in the moment, to live in perfect harmony, or to make a difference. Enjoy each moment, bird, and I'll enjoy mine. Appreciate your harmony, wolf, and I'll appreciate mine. Go the distance, whale, and I will go beyond mine. Times have come and times shall arrive when I wish to be you bird, wolf, and whale, but I quickly admire all my blessings when I step outside and hear, "I wonder what it's like to make a choice..."

Dear God, First off, I want to say how grateful I am to have made it through graduation, senior year, national finals, all of it. I'm gobsmacked by the grace you've shown me and your faithfulness (I think that'll be a theme I'll be exploring). I hope to return the faithfulness as much as possible, even though I'm nowhere near perfect. God, my heart burns for us to do life together- I yearn to just go out in the world and BE with people, learn with people, interact with people. I'm tired of simply consuming media and watching the world and it's desires- I don't want to fill my life with fantasies, I want to go LIVE it. I've never felt more consumed with this idea- I want to go out, I want to do. How long have I sat in my room and simply eat up media. Where did my life go towards? God help this fire to continue to burn, and if I do go out, don't let me burn out. Let my rest be in you and let my activity be in you. God, I want to be with your people, see the ones you've made and loved and love them in the same way. I want to learn through life. I want to make connections and get my hands dirty and open my heart to people and get good things done. I want to be out more than in. I want to live more than exist. I want to give more than get. I want to love. God grant this desire, your word lives in me and I am thoroughly equipped. Keep me safe on my journey, and let this desire be more a lifestyle than a passing craze. Let it change my life.

The American dream, it worships comfort There is nothing wrong with living peaceful and quiet lives It pleases God But stagnancy is just as poisonous as violence It seeps into the hearts, makes them complacent In that sense, it is worse, none see it, none are deterred by it, none act against it. It has no enemies. For at least in war, people are emboldened, inspired to fight. But here, no, it bribed all the generals to ignore the problem. Who are those who have fallen without standing? We are, the students, the children of America. We fail to rise against our oppressors because we do not see the cruelty. We stay locked in the chains of comfort and we dare not defy the system. We are addicted to the system. We are so addicted, that even though it poisons and robs us of our futures, of our families, of our free time, and good health, we do nothing. I challenge you student, defy your master, exercise your brain, exercise your faith. Don't dig deeper into the hole, but jump out and look in a different mine. This one is depleted, don't let it master you. True, the very few may strike it rich, and those before us have already dug up the hard rock, leaving the soft rock for us? Why abandon it? Why abandon it? It makes you soft too. Dare to get harder, stronger, leave the hole. Lay new ground for yourself, for your children. There's plenty of springs, just dare to look for a new source. It will be purer than this one. You will feel cleaner. I dare you student. Choose your chains well.

Dear God Everywhere in media and while growing up, you've been saturated with the theme that the underdog can usually do anything, even when he doesn't think he can. You hear it so much you begin to believe it. However, equally imbedded in media is that those who are confident in their abilities, at least overconfident, usually fail. Yet no one addresses what true confidence looks like. So the individual feels that since they believed they could do something, they were overconfident and would in fact actually fail, leaving them to be discouraged and thinking that they couldn't do anything. It's an amazing cycle. It's the one I've fallen into. I know that I am empowered to do all things thanks to the Holy Spirit, so I feel confident. However, there are many times when I feel I have disillusioned myself by this confidence, as I blind myself to the gravity and practicality of certain situations. I feel I'm not prepared often for situations, that I'm caught off guard and that I get discouraged by the way I handle things. This leads me to believe that I can't do anything I want and so I little myself. I don't belittle God because obviously He can do anything. So how do you balance confidence in God and humility in yourself? I try as much as I can for as long as I can, but I can never accomplish it without lowering my self from the viewpoint God has of me. I just want His eyes so I can gain a correct perspective. Its rough, and it messes a little with your view of yourself. Or a lot. You hear all the time that you are God's masterpiece, that He loves you more than anything and that you've been completely restored in His sights. But how? How can you understand what this means? I don't. I finally admit that I don't really have a clue as to what that means because if I did, wouldn't I live in light of that? I believe it, but I think I have forgotten what it means. God, help me to understand who I am, how you truly view me, and most difficult of all, how I should view myself.

Without God, all my gifts, talents, abilities, thoughts, actions are useless- they have no meaning, they are dead. But when I align myself back into God's plan, God knows how to fully utilize the tools he has given me, therefore humility is surrendering all your actions and will to God so that He can use you for the purpose He created you for. Realizing that is how fear of the Lord comes about and humility comes before honor, glory, etc. and with it comes wisdom. Proverbs 15:33 NLT

Dear God,     It's midterm season, and lately I've been freaking myself out with stress wondering if I was good enough or how will I ever reach the standards I want to achieve- there is so much that I can excel in, but there is too much to do it all. I was panicking especially today because today I had off from practice, so I naturally (naturally being the key word) wanted to rest and work ahead to get a jump on my ever so demanding schedule. When I didn't (or haven't) met my expectations of achieving everything I wanted, I was becoming weary and discouraged, and when people and my teachers say that my next year's schedule isn't rigorous enough, I become even more worried, and worried myself sick with this impossible burden that I was trying to take up all by myself. And the thing I have to remember (and that's what's really been bothering me, I see all these ways to go deeper to improve myself drastically, but I don't have time to go into them), but this is the main thing, the most important thing, the thing I tend to lose sight of, is that I can't do this by myself. Now that sounds cliche, and the cliche thing is what I was feeding off of, and it wasn't working. Think deeper into it, girl, whenever you see a spiritual truth from now on DON'T LOOK AT IT FROM THE SURFACE! You’ve spent hours trying to discern these spiritual truths, so don't revert back to the basic and powerless meaning- APPLY THE POWER GIVEN TO YOU! That is what I probably will still struggle with for awhile, but at least I can start learning.      The second thing, which is more directly involved to my crisis above is this isn't my life to live. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE DEAD!!! You are only alive in CHRIST, not in you. Remember you gave up your sin nature and killed it? Well, you have exchanged that life- the life dedicated to your purposes- for a life that belongs to Christ. So whatever he wants to do with it is up to Him, not you anymore. The truth is- even if we don't want to admit it and though He still loves us is this- God will never follow our wants. God does what He wants. God doesn't give you what you want. It’s what He wants. So if God wants me to give up my academic life and live as a hobo, that's my life, and it's for Him. If God wants me to be valedictorian and go to college, that's what He wants, and my life is for Him. My job isn't to look into my all-seeing eye and try to discern that. MY FIRST AND PRIMARY CONCERN, REGARDLESS OF WHAT I AM COMPETING FOR AND WHAT IS GOING AROUND ME IS TO BE A CHRISTIAN! I AM A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN! I AM BORN AGAIN INTO HIS LIFE, THAT IS NOW MY LIFE! Every moment, every victory, every defeat, I should be returning back to Him, leaving that world behind and going back where I belong and to where I have been adopted. I will sacrifice time, like now, to do that. And that is where my peace now lies. I have given up my life so I don't have to do anything on my own strength. He will carry me, and we will have our own incredible adventures with the God who loves me more than can be expressed by all the life spans of every star in every universe combined. Thank you for having patience with me, comforting me, and keeping me in perspective. And for your love.  

God, I'm tired of achieving just for achievement's sake. Why do I strive to achieve what the world has to offer. All of that has already been achieved before. And achievement not directed by the Spirit is not achievement at all. It is futile effort that seems to bear fruit, but it will be lost. That fruit doesn't last. You don't need to be so concerned about what other people think. Other people tend to think wrong. Strive for what God has. Strive towards him. This world is beautiful, but it isn't enough. It wasn't meant to be enough. God in his grace created a lovely holding chamber, but that's all it is. A holding chamber. A fence so that we don't fall off the edge of the multiverse. And it's poisonous because people keep opening doors they shouldn't and let in things they don't understand. Think beyond the fence. Remember, this world isn't it and this life isn't as good as it gets. You can relax a bit. This isn't all you've got, you've got more coming, and it's better. You aren't letting go of anything worth keeping. It isn't bad, but you can't base an existence off of it. You don't have to be a zombie, dead from society's demands and eager to simply fill a superficial niche and be done. Don't get bogged down by the "supposed to" because supposed to hasn't really done much for people. True, you will sometimes have to entire that realm to interact with others trapped by it, that doesn't mean you have to be trapped by it. This is what being an alien to this world really means for you. Live like an alien, don't strive to achieve their goals- they're not for you. Context: I just spent the last month, heck the last year, pushing myself and pushing myself, forcing myself to care, trying to reach the top because I can and because I can that means I should. I have been able to, but is it really fruitful? What will it mean in the long run. Sports, extracurriculars, school- being the best in these will produce exactly what? God has given me grace thus far and I suppose he has been humoring my pursuits, but it wasn't until now that I realized how empty these pursuits were- by themselves at least. Who the hell cares whether I place first or third or nineteenth. Yes, impressive records are nice for the split second, but does it really diminish your ability. I want to achieve something meaningful and worthy of achieving, not some empty title. Let the other kids have that. I'm not gonna bust my butt or break my neck for it. Give me something else. Give me something more. Give me something lasting and holy.

       God, let me reciprocate your love back to my family everyday. May our love increase and overflow for each other and everyone else. May this love not be contained simply within the five of us, let it spread out into our external family as well, the ones who are not blood but are just as important. May I never show ingratitude towards those in my family. Like our good pastor says, if you see a turtle on a perch, it probably didn't get there by itself. Let me honor my family this day.       For those whose families are broken, please, from the bottom of my heart I pray you restore them and fill the holes so that godly love may permeate throughout. Give role models to those who need them. Let children by reconciled to parents. Nothing matters to You more than family. The reason you created us and continue to love us is so that we might be a part of your family, the biggest and best that we can ever imagine. Thank you for my families, which will stand with me through thick and thin.  

So these are the things that move me. Stories, relationships, family. I think they are what move God too. Maybe he made us that way. They really are beautiful.

So I’m about to do a massive dump of content over the next few days. If anyone is actually paying attention, sorry about that!

"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." - (‭Matthew‬ ‭10‬:‭39‬ NIV) So, I've just re-read Matthew 10. When, at the end, it says you have to give your life, it's not a romantic concept. It's not always beautiful. It's not easy. It's not comfortable. We sometimes get swept away by the furious passion and love of Jesus and in response immediately commit to surrendering your whole life, but when you sit back after all is said and done, you've made a commitment. You can't go back. - I mean, you can, and it's tempting. You don't even have to turn a full 180, you can just start slowly sliding back and try to gain control over your life again.  - But if you want to do this right, you can't. If you want to move forward you can't.  It's tough sometimes because when you realign yourself to God and His plans, you're almost more conscious of what it means to give your life, what it is you're actually giving up. You start having dreams and goals, and they aren't bad. But if they're not in the direction God's taking you, then you're trying to find your life yourself. If you give it up, then you actually get your life. It hurts to give it up. Sometimes you have to give up multiple times. In the back of your mind you're saying you're living for God, and maybe you are; maybe you're going through the motions and keep going forward and you are always conscious of your Christianity when you live your life. But are we actually growing? Are we moving in the direction He's specifically telling us? Or are we just blindly trudging on without being aware of all the beautiful things He's trying to call our attention to?  Here's something, we know we can always call upon God for anything and He knows He hears us. But what if God tries to call on us? Will we hear Him? Shouldn't a relationship be two-way? Do we really give up everything if we don't stand at attention when called upon? It's so easy to not even think about, we just get stuck in the daily life, and we know we can rely on God for anything and that He'll help us through. But can God rely on us? That's a deeper level of giving yourself.  We aren't civilians in the Kingdom of God. We're soldiers. More than that, we're heirs and inheritors and conquerors and that requires a greater responsibility. We have something to protect, to fight for, and to conquer. When we give our lives, we are the soldiers on Earth in God's armies. If you go into war, you've got to be sharp and you've got listen to orders or you could get yourself killed or lose significant battles. "No soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs but rather tries to please his commanding officer" 2 Tim. 2:4. We don't think of this as a war though, and we often don't think of ourselves as a part of it everyday. But a favorite verse of mine in Philippians says that we should live like citizens of heaven. If we are citizens in heaven, and not simply citizens but warriors and princes and princesses, shouldn't we be involved? Our sharpness needs to be stepped up. We can't afford to get distracted and go look for a life amongst civilians because we will lose it.  But here's another thing, war sucks. The amount of sacrifice required in a war is incomprehensible. It is legitimate sacrifice. Look what God did, He sent His Son to die. That sounds romantic, but really, think about it. You send your son to his death. That's tragic. It's heartbreaking. And He might require the same thing from you. There are so many dimensions in which you can give up your life. You could physically die. You could lose your family. Your friends. Your dreams. Your little pleasures. Your home. Your worldview. Your reputation and respect. Anything you've spent years building up. You might have to surrender. Now how can you say that that doesn't suck? It strips us bare and we have only one place left to look. Into God's face. Maybe through teary-eyes, but you're still looking at His face.  When you make the decision to tear your eyes off of the distractions around you, and look back at Him, you'll find your life. Because as beautiful and gratifying and amazing those other things are, they'll never make you whole like God's beauty and grace. And the more you keep denying your life, though painful, the more you'll grow and the deeper you'll gaze into Him. That's faith. To deny any of the pleasures, beauties, desires, dreams, doubts, mindsets, distractions that avert your gaze, and to reaffirm that your life is actually only in keeping Him in sight. To deny anything pulling on you that is not Him, and to act only according to what He tells you. You go where He tells you, not He goes where you tell Him. And maybe we're soldiers and maybe we have to follow orders and maybe we have to sacrifice our lives. But hey, at least we know this war is already won. Or maybe this: if the dream life we're working towards now is the one that kills us, how awesome do you think the life that God gives us will be?q