À la recherche du temps perdu

Therapist: Oh! Sounds like you need to do YOGA! That will help!

Me: *signs up for yoga*

Therapist: ok lets refocus on things you like about yourself. This week i want you to try and journal about good things you’ve for yourself and others.

Me: *does the homework* yeah but i still hate myself but feel bad cause i shouldn’t

Therapist: feeling like you shouldn’t hate yourself is a step in the right direction. Mental health is complex and isn’t something that will ~magically~ improve. We have a lot of hard work head of us but I’ll be here to help you.

As a psychologist the amount of bullshit on this site, the amount of fucking dangerous bullshit on this site about how therapy is neurotypical bullshit and isn’t worth it and how exercise is pointless and good diet is pointless and that therapy homework is pointless DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL

Exercise is fucking important. good diet is fucking important therapy is fucking important. WHY???

because pills alone don’t help. they improve the hormonal imbalance (as does exercise and good diet which ALSO are a form of very real self care as your physical being is sorta connected to your mental one but go fucking figure right?), but guess what? the suicidal thoughts, the thoughts of harm, the thoughts of hating yourself, they’re still there.  suicides actually increase when medicated.  why? because suddenly you have the energy to fulfill thoughts of harming yourself.  which is why you NEED therapy alongside pills.

it has taken you years, or decades to create your maladaptive thought processes and behaviours.  that shit doesn’t disappear overnight. core beliefs don’t change overnight. these are the very fucking core of your personhood, your being and personality. THAT TAKES TIME TO CHANGE

1.) Having the wrong therapist. There are a lot of therapists out there, and they’re not all the same, no matter how much it may seem like it. I went through so many I can’t even remember them all, because most of them didn’t mesh. I started seeing them at 13, and now at 25 I FINALLY found one who not only understands me but helps me get better in ways I am capable of achieving. 

2.) Fear/Reluctance to change. YES, she advises me to exercise, but we’re not talking 30 minutes a day 4 days a week instantly. She knows that a suggestion such as ‘exercise more’ is going to result in an immediate negative reaction cuz my brain jumps to things I can’t physically do. So instead she suggested this; start very small. Stretches when I get out of bed, to start. Gradually add in small amounts of activity that aren’t daunting. Don’t look at change or responsibilities as a huge pile of things. I have to break EVERYTHING down into smaller pieces just to get through the day. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and spend a whole day doing nothing, but there are more days now where I actually get things done. Nobody wants to STAY sick. Most of us are just terrified of how much effort it takes to get better and how different our lives and expectations of us will be once we are. But trust me, as you get better, those expectations aren’t nearly as scary.

3.) Expecting to get better too soon. The people above aren’t kidding. Recovery takes time. I’ve been going to therapy for about a year. I still hate getting up and dragging myself there. But Having someone to talk to who genuinely understands my problems and how to help me deal with them has been an enormous help. The stability of going somewhere once a week (I have group therapy once weekly, and see my therapist every 2-3 weeks) has helped me form a basis for routine. I have made maybe an inch of progress with several miles to go, but there HAS been improvement. I’ve gotten advice I’m capable of working with, even with all the problems I have going on. The longer you try to help yourself, the faster your recovery will go. It will take years. Decades, depending on how bad it is. But you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to magically become neurotypical, but you will find more and better ways of coping and functioning, which isn’t what you might want, but is a lot better than what you’re doing now.