Thoughts, Rambles, & Stories

The nightmare. That’s how all of this started. I hadn’t thought much of it at first. It had just been a bad dream that I couldn’t even remember a few minutes after I woke up.

But it came back. More specifically, it crawled back. It didn’t matter what dream took over my mind—the nightmare sank its claws into the very depth of my subconscious and forced its way back in. Creeping slow like tendrils moving on their own accord.

It’s dark at first. The kind of darkness where you can’t see your hand in front of your face. A cold encompasses my entire body like a vice keeping me rooted in place. Chanting can be heard in the background. It’s not loud enough for me to make out what they’re saying, but it’s enough to send dread through my soul like a spear. Then, I see them.

A pair of eyes the color of molten gold and hidden behind a wall so thick it would take years to uncover stare straight into my soul. I can’t move. I can’t seem to breathe. All I can do is stare back as I’m frozen in fear. Their owner is undoubtedly dangerous although I can’t see their face.

I’m just as mesmerized as I am terrified. There’s a strange beauty about those eyes that beg me to come closer. How can eyes as hard as steel seem soft at the same time? It’s like they’re trying to lure me into a false sense of peace before the floor is ripped out from under me.

Now, when I wake up, the feeling of dread lingers for much longer. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder as I just know someone is watching me, yet every time I look, no one is there. It takes minutes, sometimes hours, for me to feel normal again.

Those eyes haunt me in my waking hours now too. Every so often in seemingly normal places I’ll see those eyes flash brilliantly for just a few seconds, and the next moment, they’re gone. I have no doubt that they actually know and recognize me.

People in my daily life have commented that I’ve become more jumpy and overly cautious. They’d be right. I just blame it on the stress of my work. How am I supposed to explain that I’ve been having the same nightmare over and over again that it’s now spilling into my world? If I told them, it’d be a one way ticket into a mental institution.

Note: read at your own discretion. Will most certainly attempt to avoid spoilers, but you never know. Also, it’s been out for a bit so I’m not actively avoiding them.

Reactions while watching the movie:

My inner child was absolutely giddy seeing my favorite video game character on the big screen for this movie. I remembered favoring him in every single video game in which he was available as a playable character. I didn’t know much about the lore of the Sonic characters back then, but that didn’t stop me from finding Shadow to be the coolest. When the first movie was announced, I really started learning about the characters so I could appreciate them more in the films.

Watching him appear in the movie and remembering how much I loved him, it also brought several realizations to light. Shadow’s background and personality was the catalyst for all the tropes I love in books. Keanu did an amazing job with him, and I loved how Shadow was portrayed in the film. (I know other Sonic shows exist, but I just haven’t delved into that much..though that might change in the future.)

At first, they’d do everything to get rid of it, and they’d definitely attempt a murder on that one person—frustration hitting them hard when they realize they just can’t do it. Next step would be to try to find something about them that is just a major turn off to them so they can justify cutting ties completely. When that doesn’t work, things take a turn.

Someone giving their person trouble? The problem suddenly vanishes, and both will deny having anything to do with it. They’re having a bad day? A collection of favorite items start appearing where only their person can see them, but no, they didn’t do it, absolutely not, and they will not admit to doing it, even if the evidence is crystal clear.

When they finally start owning up to their feelings, they act completely opposite to how everyone else is used to, but of course, it’s only with their personal they’ll show this unknown side to. Someone tries to be their new best friend? It’s time for a swift reminder why they have the reputation they do. Only their person gets to call them cute nicknames, receive their affection, and have their unwavering loyalty and devotion.

This post does contain spoilers so read at your own discretion if you haven’t seen the episode.

I do want to start off by saying that I can understand why some people found this episode a let down. Especially after the hype it was given, and the expectations people had for it.

However, I personally didn’t see it that way. One of the symbolisms/meanings behind a full moon is completion.

From the beginning of season 1, we slowly saw the emergence of Stolas’ true feelings for Blitzø. Yes, it started off as a transactional relationship, but it slowly turns into him realizing that he harbors true feelings for Blitzø. In S2E6, Stolas goes to Asmodeus in hopes of obtaining an Asmodean Crystal for him in order to give him the opportunity to choose to be with Stolas. In The Full Moon, Stolas finally commits to giving Blitzø the crystal. While this may have seemed to be revealed too fast without giving Blitzø adequate time to actually process what he was saying, it was back in season 1 episode 7 that Stolas actually started telling him that he was open to possibility of doing more than just having a “passionate night of fornication.” So, he finally completed his personal goal of not only providing a Blitzø a way to do his job without having a transactional relationship but also laying everything out on the line for him in regards to how Stolas truly feels about Blitzø.

Blitzø also has a part to play in this. This imp has walls around his walls in regard to how he truly feels. His very first interaction with Stolas was by his dad selling him to Paimon to be a friend for Stolas for the day—granted, it was also a means to steal from royalty, but still. This, I have no doubt, soured his perception of all upper class demons because he was sold to one. What else was he supposed to think with that? So, when Stolas actually begins to show genuine care towards him, Blitzø has trouble believing that as that first encounter most certainly left an impression. In S2E6, he even fights with himself on accepting that he harbors feelings for Stolas, and he struggles with the idea that not all royals are the same. In The Full Moon, Blitzø’s rant to Stolas is fueled by the stress of meeting up at the full moon after a break of not meeting for a little bit (this worried him because the transactional relationship was “safe” to a degree, it was routine), having Stolas give him the crystal (he was forced to give up what was giving him a reason to come back to Stolas, again the transaction was safe), and being hit with the reveal of Stolas’ true feelings towards him (Blitzø didn’t know what to do with that so he resorted to making a joke and then exploded on Stolas because he couldn’t process it). Blitzø let out his frustration, fear, perception of royalty, and denial that someone like Stolas could truly love someone like him. Yes, he fucked up and realized that, but by that time, Stolas had already teleported him out of the palace.

YOU know yourself best…own it, rock it, and let no one tell you otherwise. You are who you are, and who you are is beautiful.

I’m not sure how I got myself into this situation. Everything had been fine, or at least, things seemed to be. Strange to think that all could change within the blink of an eye. I guess the best thing one can do when they find themselves in situations like this is to keep doing their best. It may not look the prettiest or the cleanest, but, it’s theirs. Maybe that’s all one needs to channel something within them in order to discover something new and quite possibly exciting.

I don’t suppose you’ve ever found yourself in a new situation? Of course you have. How silly of me to presume otherwise. Maybe I should phrase it in a different light. Maybe then you might be able to grasp this peculiar predicament. Imagine that you’re going about your normal day with your normal routine—you might even plan for a few random moments to happen. Everything is going on as it should, and you are content in what the world looks like. A blink is all it takes for everything to change. Your world is turned upside down, and everything once considered familiar is now unfamiliar. You have absolutely nothing to cling to as you scramble to find some sort of footing for yourself. Every second now feels like an hour as you’re trying to make sense of what is now around you. This is the biggest change to ever happen in your life, and you have no idea what your next move should be.

That is as close as I can come to telling you what happened to me. Does anything sound familiar to you? Do you know of anyone who might have gone through a situation like this? Maybe you do, or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t really matter at this point anyways. I’ve been lucky enough to adapt and find this new life at least somewhat appealing. This reality I’ve found myself in is the one I have to live with, and I’ve chosen to make it my own. Who knows what might come along next? It’s actually exciting in its own way as I think on it. My new normal is now expecting the unexpected. It’s taking life on in the front row and bracing myself against the winds that threaten to upend me.

I wish I could tell you what comes next, but my world is a bit unpredictable at the moment. The only way we can do that is taking it one step at a time. Who knows what’s waiting around the next corner. I’ll be the first to admit that it can be scary at times, not knowing what your next move will be. Sometimes you won’t even know until you’re forced to make one, but that’s okay. Those last second, going with your gut decisions can sometimes be the best ones you ever made, though sometimes they may not end up the best. However, if the latter should happen, you have the ability to brush yourself off and continue—if you so choose to keep trying. If it helps, I most certainly believe in you. I just needed to tell you that in case no one else has. No one was there to tell me when my world was flipped upside down, and I’d hate it if that happened to you. So, I’ll be there believing in you every step of the way, and you might even be able to hear me cheering for you.