The Math Checks Out

a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her, for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently

I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know what is wrong with your car’s engine but if you open and close the hood like this, it looks like the car is talking

*homosexual laughter*

*bisexual considerate muttering* 

*genderqueer requesting clarification as to what is meant by ‘opposite sex’*

*Bill Clinton requesting clarification as to what is meant by ‘sex’”

The last one forced my reblog tbh.

Poodles are always so excieted after a cut

Why did she leave the family business? :’(

i bet those colors only shrimp can see suck major ass

jealousy isn’t the way bro

throwback when i saw a post on tumblr that said “the way you type the word “heterosexual” with your eyes closed determimes how gay you are” back then i thought i was straight but i wrote it so badly it even had numbers and looked something like “hr37w7jsjwneiwil”

I’m sorry but that’s fucking hilarious

i dont know what word the kid knows but uh oh

The kid now knows how to say “motherfucker”. Because it’s a quote from the movie ‘Die Hard’ in which Bruce says, “Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.”

UH OH

If he had seen the movie in German, his kid would’ve only learned “Schweinebacke” (pig’s cheek) :-D

Love how Aang had to sneak into the Fire Nation on a specific day of the year to get Roku to start talking to him while Kyoshi came back from the Spirit World just to tell a group of villagers “YES I DID kill your ancestor because he was a COLONIZER what are you going to DO about it??” 

absolutely nothing will top the video game experience of being SHIT at a video game but all the npcs you come into contact with are in awe of you for being the most amazing and talented person they’ve ever met

Pokemon is almost always the opposite of this. I’ll have 6 gods in my party and won the championship a half dozen times and some snot nosed kid with one diglet will still be like, “you think you can beat me?”

Or Skyrim where Aela the Huntress alternates between acknowledging me as the leader of the Companions, says “You’re the new kid right? Heard you’re not half bad” and maybe occassionally also mentions how we are married