My Sense

It’s been years since I first remember being mesmerized by your presence in my life. You’ve given me some unspoken strength toward my future. Whether you may or may not be in it. You’re always with me. I can’t help but believe one day what we’ve always spoken of, will come true. You’ve always told me, “one day...”. I always again, hope these words have emptiness behind them. I hope they are as concrete as the idea of your eyes on mine in the morning sun.

You’ve always been far away but so damn close to me. I never have understood the contradiction that lies between us but I accept anything that comes my way when it comes to you. You’re literally the heart on my sleeve. You’re the person I want to see when I can’t see myself in a clear light. You always set me straight and get me back on a correct, realistic path. When I seem to get lost in my own darkness you’re the bright and blinding light that helps me wake up.

You’ll never read this letter. You’ll never truly know how I’m feeling about you because you’re scared of those emotions. You have to think about others before you can think about me. You make excuses for why things won’t work or they can’t currently work. I wish a lot and hope a lot. I always fight for you even though you can’t fight for me. I fight for you because I know you’re worth it. I know this will be worth it. I can’t describe the comfort and safety you provide for me. I can’t describe how utterly proud I am of you. I’ve watch you grow in your career and I can’t be happier for you.

To my dear friend

I miss you dearly.

I wish you were here.

I am sure.

no one should question

my intentions

when it comes to a beating heart

that should be the truest answer of all

“Does your heart beat for me?”

do the stars die, yet still shine

even if something doesn’t seem

apparent

it doesn’t mean you should question it

in the dark all alone.

all the light I shine is true

as every ray of the sun

as every glimmer in the stars

just remember you don’t need to wish

upon me,

for I’ll always try to make your dreams

come true...

even if you can’t see them.

if the galaxy had depth

my intentions would be as deep

I’m finding out a lot more about myself every day since I left him. He opened me up to a person I do not ever want to be again. I was selfish for the wrong reasons and got caught in a vicious cycle that doesn’t seem to end until he was satisfied. I’d give in to his tantrum. There was no compromise with him. He always won and I also lost me in the process.

I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I found myself again. She was holding her hand out and asked, “What took you so long girl damn!?” I am so happy with myself and I’m finding that those around me are altering my view in the mirror. I need to ignore those people. I need to cut them out. I need to do what’s best for me.

At the end of that same tunnel I did find a blushed face and giggity girl in myself again. It made me happy in the moment to know that someone saw me in a different light than what i saw in myself. I looked at myself in the eyes of that person and it looked great at first. Now I’m noticing I’m putting myself in a vicious cycle again. I don’t like that at all. I need to stop looking for something in someone else and keep looking for the good in myself. If someone is worth it to me they will prove that.

I’m tired of the same seesaw game. One minute it’s convinent to have those feelings then the next minute you’re cold and hiding. I can’t figure out what we’re doing or where we’re going. I can’t stand that. I’m very certain of my feelings and myself. It is THESE kind of people that make me second guess my own feelings. That’s not fair to me. I need to make some decisions for me.

where do you go from here...

if you’re in their shoes

the path before you

changes your once

firm stone decisions

you can’t match their steps

you can’t move forward

if someone else’s shoes are

glued somewhere else in time

take off their shoes

go barefoot for a while

see where you can walk

see what you can handle

feel the pain of any new path

feel the endurance of a climb

feel your own journey

not the reflections of others

through a box and a screen

this is yours

your shoes

your feet take YOU

where YOU want to go

h o w e v e r...

if someone is willing a hand

to walk along the same path with you

remember wear your own shoes

my eyes are tired 

not because of the time on the clock

but they're locked on you 

patterned my heartbeat 

with yours 

as if your touched revived 

me from another life 

darker; than the night

we find ourselves keeping the moon

a w a k e. 

unsure of the purpose 

of your lips against mine 

searching for the same unknown

at least were lost together 

in the uncertainty when

 the sun peaks over the skyline 

trying to figure out what secrets we 

spiraling down

flaws and all

lost between

tissue or spirit

sometimes falling apart

puzzles back together

for now; shadow alone

leaves them frustrated

me content

and a secluded mind

dreams to nightmare

day to night

will this end