nesta’s bitch

get yalls eyesight checked.

without further ado, here 🤲🏼

Ok- in my defense, it's been a long time since I read this book and I’m not googling the plot bc raw dogging this will be funnier. uhh that means i’ll probably miss a bunch of things but i’ll do my best. also ‼️SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE CRUEL PRINCE‼️

✨it begins✨ a flashback of our main character 👑 jude duarte 👑 she’s in her home in the mortal world (aka earth) and she’s vibing with her sisters, taryn (her twin- they’re like 8 or something) and vivi (idk like 10 or 12?). BOOM the door gets kicked in (or something) and who appears but shrek madoc. who is madoc? jude’s mom's ex-husband and vivi’s dad… hes green because he’s #nothuman. uhh the parents d*e pretty sure madoc k*lls judes mom and dad bc hes grrr 👹 mad and then he takes the 3 girls back to faerie. “what’s faerie?” stop interrupting. faerie is a place that’s on/adjacent to earth where faeries and fae live and magic exists wow 😻✨🧚🏽‍♀️

FLASH FORWARD. it is now current times and jude is idk like 16 or 17 or possibly 18 or hell maybe even 19 i don’t know. she’s a #girlboss warrior (she knows how to fight, that’s all that means). she was taught to fight by shrek madoc- the man who stockholm syndromed his way into being her dad. she also lives with her sisters, shrek’s madoc’s wife uhh oriana (?) and “their” (😉) kid oak who has goat legs. oak is 8 i think- this will become relevant later.

jude, being a little scholar, goes to school with her twin. school sucks, especially for jude because she gets bullied :(((( why? because she’s human and also faeries are mean. nicasia is a water bitch… uhh she’s from the sea… she’s a bully. varian or possibly valerian (?) or- possibly neither of those- is another bully… um he’s only relevant when he dies (we’ll come back to that). locke is a little funny guy funny prankster laughy joker “i’m a lot like joker from the movie joker” kinda guy, he’s still a bully tho i think. FINALLY WE HAVE CARDAN. cardan is a 19 year old dipshit prince who can’t get his life together so he bullies jude (at least, this is our perspective at this time in the book). uhh so yeah jude gets bullied and so does taryn #humanssuck amiright?

one of these bullying events is- at one point i think on the walk home from school… jude gets like dared or?? pushed?? into this river. she may have been under the influence of an apple that is like a drug to humans… i don’t remember. anyways the river spirit things in the water like try to drown jude and i’m pretty sure cardan and co. are like throwing rocks at her or something- maybe she’s throwing rocks at them. i’m pretty sure rocks are involved somehow. anyways jude escapes the water spirit things somehow- i really don’t remember. but this scene gives us context to why jude hates cardan so much.

um i don’t remember what happens next in this little series of events. i think they go to a party at some point? at this party cardan is like being fed grapes or something by random people which makes jude horny. he also has highlight on- this isn’t relevant but isn’t it tho. at this party i’m pretty sure locke #seduces jude. and she’s like wowwww ur so sexy and funny locke *debby ryan* 😋. i truly cannot remember for the life of me what else happens at this party.

POLITICS! this is the part i kind of remember, *ahem* soooo the king of faerie is old af and he’s preparing to retire or d*e or something?? i don’t remember sO all of his kids (mostly) are vying for the throne bc the succession isn’t based on birth order. cardan is one of the princes/princesses (possibly the only(?)) who expresses no interest in the throne- note this.

this plot is probably not in correct chronological order… so anyways. because people are vying for the throne, jude decides to align herself with one of the people she thinks could be the next leader. why? bEcAuse she wants POWER 🦾🦾⚡️⚡️💥💥. she’s sick of being at the bottom of the food chain bc she has no magic and none of the faeries respect her bc she’s human. sO she aligns herself with prince dain, one of cardans older brothers. he puts this spell thing on her so she can’t be spelled by anyone else… i don’t remember the details. and he also tells her to poison herself 😇😻 but like… slowly. (he tells her to take small amounts of poison regularly in order to gain immunity). dain makes jude do some stuff, most of which i don’t really remember but we’ll get to that later. he also introduces her to the court of shadows- more people who work for dain (i think). the court of shadows consists of the bomb, the roach, and the ghost (none of them have actual names at this point in the series because *ahem* “names have power”). these characters are amazing (mostly) and we will discuss them more later.

guess what it’s now later. sO the roach is like a goblin thing… he’s swag af. very nice kinda big brother/ best friend figure. the bomb is possibly humanoid (?) like maybe she’s a faerie or fae or something- i don’t remember. she’s amazing as well, v v loyal and smart. she’s a spy and she knows how to blow shit up. the ghost is humanoid aka i’m pretty sure he’s a faerie, he is also a spy and good at swordsmanship so he teaches jude, kind of a mentor figure.

sO one of the things jude does (and i can’t remember if she did this for funsies or if it was because dain told her to) is spy on cardan and balekin. balekin is another brother of cardan and dain, he’s the biggest competition for dain in terms of getting the throne. so jude spies on cardan and balekin. sort of accidentally, she meant to sneak in and find info and then they came in and she had to hide. uhh this is when we find out cardan gets ab*sed 🥲😵‍💫 (balekin like hits him or something). and also cardan lives with balekin bc his mom is in (the faerie equivalent of) an asylum and his dad doesnt care abt him 💔. so now we have #sympathy for cardan… kind of… he’s still a dick.

so uhh what happens next, let’s think OH. ok so jude finds out that shrek madoc wants to take the throne for himself and he’s planning on k-wording the king or something?? obviously this will not do- jude needs dain to be king so she can be #powerfulgirlbossqueensenchalsomethingidk so she uhh does something to work against him… do i remember what? no… no i do not. i thInk shreks exact plan is to but balekin on the throne? bc the crown is like blood coded or something? so only a member of the royal bloodline can wear the crown (i think?) also at this point in the book we find out oak is not madocs son *LE GASP* shocking- i know. oriana had an affair with the king so oak is technically part of the royal bloodline (uhh maybe we find this out later actually but whatever)

let’s check in on the school besties 🥰 remember locke? i don’t remember when we find this out but locke has in fact been PLAYING bOth jude AND taryn. he’s been flirting with both of them just for shits and giggles ig, i don’t rly remember his reasoning. so anyways we hate him now. remember nicasia? absolutely nothing interesting has happened with her so… moving on. remember valerian (or whatever tf his name was)? he’s de*d now. jude k*lled him bc uhhh he was mean or something… i don’t remember (it’s possible he s*xually h*rassed her or tried to?) but he’s de*d and jude k*lled him and that’s all that matters (does this happen in the second book or this one 😳😳). great check in- back to the plot.

omg it’s coronation time (”you forgot a whole bunch of shit” you’re probably saying… “yes,” i respond “but i cant be bothered to remember what i’m forgetting, it’s more fun this way”). so anyways it’s time for the coronation and guess what? shrek madoc m*rders everyone 😵‍💫. uhh he k*lls someone and it starts this whole fight breakout thing and basically every single one* of the heirs to the throne and the king, is k*lled.

*EXCEPT CARDAN HAHAHAHAHA. he’s drunk under a table bc where else would he be 😋. jude finds him and is like 🦾🧠 i have a plan. knowing that oak is an heir and therefore he could take the throne bUt that someone from the royal line needs to crown him, jude kidnaps cardan and takes him to the court of shadows Secret Lair™️. cardan is like *le gasp* i cant believe you’d kidnap me, i thought we were friends. and jude is like… *sword to the throat* and then i’m pretty sure they kiss. and they’re both like “i hate u sm” and that makes the other person horny. so.. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨.

so jude comes up with this plan now- that cardan will crown oak and oak will take the throne with jude to guide him (at least that’s what she tells cardan bc cardan does nOt want the throne AT. ALL. but wAIT- she’s DECEIVED HIM). jude realizes that if oak takes the throne madoc would take over/control oak- bc oak is 8- and jude would still be left powerless (remember- her main goal is power #itsaboutdriveitsaboutpowerwestayhungrywedevourputintheworkputinthehoursandtakewhatsours) sO judes AcTuAl plan is to:

1. spell-bind cardan to her so he has to do what she says (they agree to 1 year and 1 day- i don’t remember why they chose such a specific time frame)

2. pretend oak is going to take the throne

3. use oak to crown cardan (bc remember the whole blood coded crown thing, either oak or cardan needs to crown the other)

4. become cardans right hand woman (aka senchal- it’s the same thing) and have power. boom.

so… she… she does that. she does those things. book over.