Winterclicker

The air in your bedroom shifts the moment he steps inside. He always manages to climb into your apartment without a sound. There was no way you can know that he is there.

But you know. You feel it. A change.

Like gravity tipping. A heavy weight.

Maybe it is all the time that you spent together. All the times you learned to remember and memorize the way the room changed when he entered. You never heard the sound of his boots hitting your hardwood floor. Your body always reacted before you could. A chill running up all the way to your spine.

It was always a good chill, until now. You know something is off before you even lock eyes with him. Instinct kicks in, like it is preparing you for a fight.

And when your eyes lift up, he’s there.

Just standing. Watching you. Taking you in.

His black armor glinting in the moonlight that spills in trough the curtains.

This was always one of your favorite moments. The moment you knew your dark knight had come for you. Climbed all the way up just to see you. And then there was the suit. You would never find out exactly what it was. But it feels different now. It feels cold, distant.

Something is definitely wrong.

His cape is pooling around him, grounding him to the darkness that he adopted. His cowl is on. Strange. There is nothing there that resembles the man that you got to know trough time. All there is now, is the symbol.

Batman.

You tilt your head as you move slowly. This isn’t a good sign. Your body moves to the side of the bed and you sit up. Your eyes watching him like a hawk. You’re too scared to miss anything. Your pulse quickens. You wonder what he is thinking or feeling. Anything really.

“Bruce?”

No answer.

He doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. Just exists, and somehow that’s louder than anything else. Suddenly, the feeling in your stomach is rising all the way up to your heart, building and latching on to your ribs until it feels like pressure. He hasn’t even done anything and you’re already hurting.

Because you know. You know why he has come. You have been dreading it. Terrified of it. Even spoken about it with Bruce. Multiple times.

You feel your fingers trembling. Suddenly you feel the urge to touch something. Something that will stop you from reaching out for him.

Please tell me I am wrong.

Your voice drops. Gentle. Uncertain. “You haven’t come by in days. I thought maybe…”

You trail off. What do you even want to ask? You are not even sure if you have the courage to even ask…

You don’t finish the thought—because there’s too much weight in it. Too many things you’ve imagined these last few days.

It had been some time since you have seen him. You had spoken to him about it and you had always known that it could take a long time before he would return. Because he is busy with something that can’t wait. That’s what he said to you. So it was normal for him to stay away for some time. But never this long. Never like this.

Maybe he’s hurt.

Maybe he’s dead.

Maybe he’s finally decided that being with you is…

You shake your head. Don’t go there.

You notice a slight movement in his body. Your eyes go to him instantly. He takes a slow step forward. Heavy. Deliberate.

Still silent.

You take this time to look at him closely. His posture is off. He isn’t holding himself like he’s ready to strike or disappear into the shadows. He doesn’t look as intimidating as he usually is. There is no anger to fuel his movements. His shoulders are slumped, like something inside him collapsed. Not from exhaustion. Not pain. More like he has given in. Surrendered. You’ve seen him bleed, bruise, break ribs and keep walking.

Not this time.

Your feet feel cold against the floor and there is not warmth coming from the shirt that you’re wearing. It’s his old shirt, worn and loose- a reminder of all the times you spend together. The laughter. It felt like something stolen from nights that you try so hard to hold on to.

You stand up start walking to him carefully. Slowly. Like trying to walk towards a cornered animal.

You stop when you’re close.

Close enough to feel the heat still clinging to the armor. Close enough to smell rain and something else. Something familiar. Something that will always remind you of him. You are close enough to touch him.

You don’t.

He still won’t talk to you.

“What is wrong?” you ask softly.

He doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. He opens hit mouth and then closes it again. Like he is afraid of the words that want to come out.

“Talk to me,” you whisper.

And then finally—finally—his voice cuts through the silence. Low, but soft around the edges. Defeated.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

It hits like a punch to the gut.

No…

You blink, heart stuttering. “What?”.

“I thought I could do it,” he says. “Be with you and still be him. Be what Gotham needs’’.

You take in a slow breath, trying to stay calm. You already feel the panic rising in your throat, but you try to calm yourself.

 “You can”.

He shakes his head, almost imperceptibly. “No. I’ve been lying to myself. Every time I come here… every time I let myself hold you, stay the night, touch you… I make you more vulnerable. I make you a target.”

Your chest tightens. Your eyes trying to follow his face as he speaks. His emotions pouring through the mask and directly into your heart. He seemed desperate. Heartbroken even.

 “So that’s what this is about? You think someone’s going to come after me?”

“They already have,” he snaps. “You just don’t know it.”

The heat in his voice isn’t directed at you. But it still hurts. You breath out. You know what he means. You know the risks. You understand them, accepted them.

“I know we talked about this. You think you understand the consequences of what we are doing. But if something ever happened to you because of me…” His voice falters. “I wouldn’t survive it.”

You stare at him, stunned. Furious and aching. Your heart ready to burst out of your chest. You suddenly want to scream. Yell. Tell him you do understand. Tell him you can make that choice.

“So you’re ending this,” you start slowly. “Because you love me.”

His silence is answer enough.

You take a step forward, heart pounding.

Please don’t do this. Let me stop this.

‘’What you’re saying is that you’re too afraid to lose me, so you decide that I have to lose you instead? How does that work?’’

His head lifts slightly. You  see his eyes. You try to make him understand. Understand that this is crazy. You try to show him how much this is hurting you. Breaking you.

If you break my heart, it will never mend.

“You think breaking this off keeps me safe, but it doesn’t. It just hurts. It just destroys something good. For what? To punish yourself? To prove you’re still Batman before you’re human?”

“I am Batman,” he says, like a confession. “There’s no version of this life where I stop. Where I slow down. Where I get to be… him, and also yours.”

“You are mine,” you whisper, desperation getting the best of you. “I love you. I love every part of you. I would rather spend a short time with you than a lifetime without you’’.

He stays silent, but his eyes change. He looks sorrowful. Broken. But he doesn’t give in.

Your eyes start to water as you realize that he made up his mind. He made his choice. Your words suddenly meaningless. No way to change the incoming hurt and betrayal that he is causing. Your voice breaks as you speak.

‘’You told me you loved me.”

He flinches.

‘’How is that not enough? Why is me making this choice not enough?’’

“I dream about you dying,” he says suddenly, voice shaking.

You stop breathing.

“Every night. You’re bleeding out on the floor. There is blood everywhere. You’re calling my name and I can’t get to you. I never get to you in time. I dream about you screaming, or already gone. Sometimes I find you too late. Sometimes I watch it happen and can’t move. And I wake up thinking it was real. And I know that I will have your blood on my hands. It will be my fault. I can’t….I can’t do this”.

His voice breaks. Barely held together.

“I’ve seen too much death. I’ve buried too many people. I can’t do it again. Not with you. You’re the one thing I can’t lose to the darkness. I won’t be able to live with myself”.

You step closer. Try to touch him. He jerks away.

“I know what you’ll say,” he mutters. “That I’m pushing you away. That I’m protecting myself. That I’m projecting all my worst fears onto you. But you don’t understand—every person I’ve ever loved has died. I made my peace with that. But not you. Never you”.

“I am not gone, Bruce” you say. “I’m right here. I will stay with you”.

“I won’t let that be your mistake.”

Somehow, those words feel worse than everything that was said before. Something fragile snapping in your chest. Pain so unbearable, you can not imagine him doing this to you. Your mind hanging somewhere between denial and defeat.

“So you’re ending it,” you whisper. “Just like that.”

“Yes.”

It’s not cruel. It’s worse. Your life changed without your input. This isn’t what you want. This isn’t the choice you would make. Ever. You could never.

Even though you try so hard, a sob still makes it’s way out. His eyes following your eye movement. His hand starts to reach out for you before he suddenly realizes what he is doing. His hand falling down before you can barely register the movement.

No, please no. Please don’t leave me.

It’s hollow. Resigned.

You wrap your arms around yourself, the shirt hanging loose on your body. Even the shirt makes you think of betrayal right now.

“Why did you come here?” you ask, barely holding on to your sanity. Your breaths coming out in quick sobs.

His mouth opens. He stops for a moment before he answers.

“I owed you the truth,” he says finally.

You laugh—harsh and bitter. He says it like it’s a blessing. A comfort. Something that should make you feel good. It doesn’t.  A quick flash of anger course trough your body and your throat.

 “No. You came here to kill this before it could kill you.”

That hits. You see it. His breath catches, just a little. His eyes widening slightly.

“You were never going to stay,” you whisper angrily. “You made me believe I could have something with you. That you would stay. That you wanted it too. A future. A life. Me.”

“I did. I do. That’s why I’m leaving.”

You can barely think. This isn’t real. This can’t be real.

“Say it again.”

“What?”

“Say you love me.”

He hesitates. “Why?”

You blink as your tears fall down your face. “Because I need to know I’m not insane. That this wasn’t just a fantasy.”

He exhales sharply, like he realizes how much this hurts you. Then, softly:

“I love you.”

It didn’t change anything. It didn’t soften the blow. It just made everything even bitter than it already was. Made it more real. Nothing was helping. Nothing would change. Your words and feelings mean nothing anymore. You want to scream at him. Throw your fists at him. Do anything to change the outcome. But you know. This is it. There is not escaping this.

You have been here before. And you know what you have to do.

“Okay,” you say, voice breaking. “Then go.”

He stares at you, stunned. He didn’t expect that.

“What?”

“I’m not going to beg you to stay. I can’t. If this is what you think love looks like—if this is how you think you protect me—then go. Leave.”

He doesn’t move at first. His hand twitches. His jaw works. You look at his face as if you’re trying to print his face into your brain.

Please don’t go

He steps back.

Slowly.

His feet moving like shadows that will haunt you.

Into the shadow.

He turns without another word, vanishing through the open window. His cape vanishing behind him.

You don’t follow. You don’t watch, trying to hold on to the last breath of strength that you have left in your body. You feel humiliated enough. Loving a man that wasn’t even planning on staying.

Only when the glass slides shut behind him do you let yourself crumble. You fall down to the floor.

And for the first time in a long time—

I don't know why and how. But I just thought that there isn't enough Batman/Bruce fanfiction from the nolanverse. Especially M rated ones. Please know that this isn't everyone's cup of tea. Also, it's been a while since I have written something decent. enjoy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You are still torn between dreams that are spilling over onto the next one. A grey mist where you are never able to escape from the terrifying feelings that you had been carrying with you.

Because he did not want you

Six simple words that carried such heavy weight.  But life had been difficult lately. Life had carried so much weight.

He could not have made it harder to love him

Yes, it would have been easier if you had loved someone else. Someone easy. Someone who saw life as a glass half full. Someone who could just let you in. But it didn’t matter. All those thoughts and wants and feelings.

I love you endlessly

You didn’t say those exact words. It was already hard enough to tell him that you wanted him at all. Especially since you knew that he was already in love with someone else. Rachel. It was always Rachel. Ever since you met him a year ago. It was clear as day that he was pining after her. Even though she didn’t want him back. Yes, she led him on. Gave him hope that maybe one day she would choose him. She never did though. She never would. You knew that. Maybe he did too. He should. He is the smartest man you know.

It was his love for Rachel that made it clear to you that you should and never would fall in love with this mystery called Bruce Wayne. Yet here we are. It happened like it always happened. You guarded your heart so well. You kept him at suck a distance. You don’t even know how and when it happened. It wasn’t an exploding realization. More like a silent and deadly predator.

You tried to live with it. Accept the feelings as they were. You called it a rational decision that a grown up woman should take. He wants her, so accept it and wish him the happiness that she apparently gives him. But she didn’t. You saw what it did to him. What waiting did to him. How hurt he was that she never accepted him. Accepted him for who he was.

‘You really think that he will stop being Batman if he puts the suit away? He was always Batman and he will always be him. You can’t just have one part and say that you love Bruce. You need to accept all of him’.

That’s what you told Rachel, just before Bruce came in and disrupted you heated discussion with Rachel. He just came back from a meeting at Wayne enterprises. His perfect suit on. Face tired from going out as Batman every night. He looked surprised at the two woman standing in his penthouse. The state he found you in.

Rachel was quick to talk, as she always was. She was here to speak to him. Bruce looked cautiously between you and her. Deciphering what just happened while he had been away. You suddenly got that feeling that you always got when they were together.

I don’t belong here

It felt suffocating, heart wrenching. You were torn between yelling at Rachel and running for the elevator. You didn’t have to choose though.

You left right after Bruce asked you if you could give them some space to talk.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You aren’t sure what wakes you up at first. Your eyelashes flutter. Was that a noise? It kind of felt like a shift in the air. Your body goes still. Breath catches in your throat. You shiver, like a whisper is crawling all over your skin.

But it remains silent. You open your eyes.

It was danger all right, in the shape of the most terrifying man of Gotham. The myth most people never would be able to see. A shadow that followed like a fear that no one was able to shake. Some people even thought that he wasn’t real. He was though, and he was standing at the foot of your bed.

Batman.

Bruce

You scan the way his cloak is casting a shadow over your bed.  The way his weight and strength settles into the floor.  He was massive. Motionless. He looks like a statue, his suit taking away all the things that made him human. What made him Bruce.

You push up onto your elbows slowly.

‘’Bruce?’’

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t talk.

You sit up more fully, your blanket sliding off, showing your simple t-shirt that you always wore to bed. This is the moment you realize that you were wearing see trough panties. You didn’t expect anyone to visit you. Least of all him. He never visited you like this, during the night.

The shadow tilts it’s head and you see the shape of the cowl he wears – sharp edges and pointed ears.

It is a rare sight to see, even for you. Even though you are friends. The word had started to rot in your mouth. You had been letting yourself starve in the thought of ever meaning something else to him. Something more.

You are lying if you said that you never fantasized about him coming here. Coming here and doing things to you that Batman does not realistically do. Yet you thought about the ways he could use his strength on you instead of the criminals he would beat up every night. You thought about the way he could use his voice to intimidate you in other ways that he has done before with enemies. You have fantasized filthy, sinful things that he could do to you. You loved Bruce and wanted all of him, including the figure that was standing before you now. And all your shameful desires came flooding into your brain as soon as you saw the nightmare standing there. And he hasn’t said a word.

Your voice wavers. ‘’what are you doing here?’’.

He moves. You hear the sound of his armored boots on your floor as he comes closer. He keeps walking until he is standing over you. His cape falling around him. When he finally speaks, it’s not the voice of Bruce that you hear.

‘’You told me something’’

His voice sounds controlled, measured. It’s dangerous and rough. Yet you feel like there is something different. Something personal.

You blink. ‘’what?’’

He doesn’t move, like he is glued to the floor.

‘’You were drunk’’ he says, his voice low with gravel. ‘’But you were honest’’.

Your suddenly feel your pulse and your stomach drop. A heat rising up from your body as if you already knew that your secret was out in the open. You watch as he leans in. the cowl still hides most of his face, but you can see his mouth. Even though his mask made him look angry, he seemed calm. Too calm.

‘’you told me what you wanted’’.

Your stomach flips and your eyes start to widen slightly. There was no doubt as to what he meant. You knew what he meant. You didn’t know how. But he knew.

Oh god.

‘’You didn’t know what you were doing. You were sitting next to me when you told me what you needed ‘’. He tilts his head, the ears of his mask gleaming in the light that filtered trough your curtain.

‘’you wanted to be choked’’.

Oh no. What the hell did I tell him

‘’Bruce…’’

‘’You told me details. Filthy details. Your desires. You wanted to be choked and dominated. You said you love it when someone pulls your hair. You even told me you had a thing for me in my suit’’.

You press your lips together and try to look away, heat rising up all the way to your cheeks. Suddenly a hand grabs your chin and makes you look back at him. His fingers holding you in place.

‘’Do not look away from me. Not when you told me those things. I have tried many times to forget it and failed repeatedly. I wanted to protect you. Keep you safe. Yet you branded your words into my mind. You telling me that you wanted to be claimed. Bred’’.

You open your mouth and immediately close it again. You look at him as your brain is trying to process what he is saying. The words that he used. You never felt so intimidated and turned on in your entire life. You stare at him. He isn’t moving to touch you. He is not looming. He’s just there.

‘’I told myself I could handle it. I am not the kind of man to do this. I have spent most of my life controlling the part of me that wants to take. I thought I had buried it. But here you are. Awakening something in me that I barely recognize. Something I never felt before with anyone else’’. Your heart pounds. You know who he means. Rachel. Your heart starts to hurt a little. But Bruce doesn’t linger there.

‘’You are the only one that makes me want to lose control. You told me things like they were fantasies’’ he says. ‘’But to me, it’s permission. Because to be honest, I stopped caring about doing the right thing’’.

Your heart stops at his words. You can’t look away as he is scanning your face. Like he is trying to memorize you. He looks at you with eyes that don’t belong to the man you know. He isn’t the man you know. He does not look controlled and calm anymore. He looks like he is hanging on to the last part of his sanity before he is going to lose control and give in. Meanwhile, you are still trying to process the part where Batman just told you what your words did to him. It was so hard to believe, you almost want to ask him to say all those things again.

‘’I want you’’ he says, voice rough and bare. ‘’and I know what you want’’.

You swallow, hard.

He leans down, his mouth barely brushing your ear.  You suddenly hold your breath and gasp. You can’t speak.

‘’So I’m giving it to you’’.

You are losing it completely. Because his voice is too close and too much. Yet not enough. You need to hear it more. His breath warm on your skin. A reminder that this was very much real. Your mind may need time to catch up on what’s happening, but your body is already responding. You feel a tightening. Burning  and aching feeling.

You feel his hand touching your throat. Not pressing or squeezing. It is just resting. Testing. Waiting for a sign. His eyes staring down at you trough the holes in his mask. His eyes so dark, like a demon. You part your lips.

‘’Bruce…’’

This thumb strokes your jaw gently. ‘’Tell me to stop. Tell me that you don’t want this and I will leave’’.

The weight of his words hangs in the air between you. This is it.

You won’t say no.

You never would.

Instead you sit up on your knees, reaching for his chest. You press your  hand over his heart and lean in to him.  Your eyes look into his and you whisper ‘’ don’t you fucking dare’’.

I know this sounds kind of silly.

But i have thought of all the ways you could leave.

When you're still here.

And I know this probably sounds stupid.

But it keeps me up at night.

The way it would kill me.

'It's not you, it's just me' sounds lazy

But it is so true.

Because I can not make myself think any other way.

Summary: Just some thoughts about what it would be like to travel with Joel while the reader has way to many feelings about the handsome man sitting beside her. 

Word Count: 706

Warnings: Not really, sorry haha

Notes: Hi there lovely people. Don’t know why and how, but my brain can’t stop with these random drabbles. I really hope you enjoy them. Please let me know what you think! I really want to know what you think :).

Enjoy!

Something more

Say hey, good lookin’, what you got cookin’?

How’s about cookin’ somethin’ up with me?

Hey, sweet baby, don’t you think maybe

We could fin dus a brand new recipe?

The sound of Hank Williams was softly making it’s way into my ear as I was leaning my head on my hand, which was propped up by the window. My head leaning against the glass while my eyes were gazing up at the clear sky. Green leaves were slowly falling down with the wind. A soft gust of wind that was blowing against the trees, making a peaceful combination with the music coming from the car.

There was nothing that could compare to this moment of happiness. It had been a while since I had known this peaceful quietness. It was almost addicting how it relaxed me. It was a bubble that I never wanted to leave.

I turned my head over to the left to watch the handsome man sitting next to me. His hand propped by the window like mine was. His hands was against the side of his face and his face in a state of calm. He was enjoying the peace and quiet just like I was. His eyes were focused on the road in front of us. I felt a smile on my lips.

What a journey to be here with him. I could be anywhere as long as I was with him.

Not that he knew that.

I wanted to keep staring at him but he was starting to notice the way I was looking. His eyes slowly made contact with mine as he tried to keep his focus forward.

‘ You ok darlin?’

My smile widened. What a guy. ‘ I’m fine. Great actually’ I told him. I saw Joel’s mouth turn up into a smirk as he looked at me. His hand reached out and patted me on my knee. From someone else this would not mean much. But coming from Joel, it meant something. His fingers grabbed tight on the sides of my leg. Holding his hand there for a while as he rubbed his fingers on the skin underneath. His fingers relaxing the muscles in my leg. I moved my body around a bit so that I my leg would be more comfortable.

As I found the right position, Joel was already using his other hand to keep a firm grip on the wheel. He was casually leaning back against the backrest and the whole look made him even more attractive than he already was.

I was feeling like a teenager all over again. Realizing that everything that he did made me go giddy over him. He held me in the palm of his hands and he didn’t even know it. The thought of telling him how I felt made me turn back to the window. My face almost betrayed the emotions that I felt towards this man.

But as the music continued I felt the atmosphere of the situation having a influence on me. This moment could last forever for me and I felt that I wanted to hold on to it for as long as I could. I wasn’t the type to be forward with my feelings. But now I wanted to be forward. I wanted more. I wanted to be more. With him. It had always felt like something that was unreachable for me.

But maybe it wasn’t as impossible as I thought

Making a choice, I put my hand over his that was still casually rubbing my knee. The gesture made Joel look back at me and I immediately made eye contact with him. I didn’t know if he knew. Knew that this small gesture that I made meant so much to me. But Joel had known me for a while and he knew the way that I was.

So as I did something very small, I felt the impact that my action had. Because Joel smiled at me with a knowing look. His eyes twinkling and a chuckle coming from his mouth. He knew exactly what I was trying to tell him without saying it. there was something more. He knew there was something more.

Hi there everyone! I’ve been playing the last of us again and my mind just ran off with some thoughts. Thoughts that turned into drabbles. This is one of them. I wrote it down, not sure where I want to go with it. IF I want to go somewhere with it. I hope you all like It. Please feel free to comment or anything else. I haven’t done anything before on Tumblr.

Thank you so much for reading and all. Hope you have a nice day, evening, night. Stay safe and stay healthy.

There was a moment. One moment. These few seconds in time where a choice that I made could influence the future ahead of us. A moment that felt so unimportant if I didn’t feel the things that i felt at that moment.

That feeling of dread and danger. My stomach just dropping down like a brick on the ground. I almost felt like I was choking. But I needed to calm myself. The fear was almost paralyzing me. If I would let it control me, it would mean death for him. I had to get myself together and push trough.

I felt my feet move while I wax carrying myself forward. Towards this person that I was trying to reach. This person that I felt that I needed to save. Everyone else could die. But not him.

Not him.

My arm was already reaching out before I even came close to him. My mind set on that one goal. I saw someone else turning around to look at me. A strange look in his eyes while he follower my movements. I didn’t care. I was looking at the man in front of me. His back was to me and I could not see his face.

His brown jacket was open and hanging loosely around his form. He had a scarf around his neck to protect him from the freezing cold. The same freezing coldness that I felt in my gut.

My footsteps came closer to him and made little patterns in the snow. I crushed it under my feet as I walked. The sound of it made the man in front of me turn around. His posture relaxed. Safe. He had no idea what was coming for him.

As he turned around, I found his eyes looking at mine directly. His head turned to the side a bit. He almost looked confused. His eyebrows shooting down a bit and his lips tightening in a firm line.

He could not even make a sound before my hand had finally reached him. I grabbed onto his arm and I grabbed it tight. Like my grip could stop him from the fate that I knew was coming his way.

His eyes moved down for a split second, looking at my hand grabbing his arm. Then he looked up again, ready to say something to me. There was no time. I was afraid that he would pull away before I could even show him how important my words were.

His lips moved and he opened his mouth to say something, when I stopped him.

‘ please don’t’ I pleaded him. My eyes growing wider to show my desperation. Tears already forming in my eyes as my fear came back at me with full force.