Tw: vent, abuse/neglect description, self hated, minimization of abuse/neglect/trauma, identity crisis?, abuse mention, $h mention
I think that I am afraid of getting better. I just hate change (cause autistic) whatever it is. Pain is something that I know, I'm used to be hurt. It's become a comfort. And I think I have kinda based my identity on my suffer. If I don't suffer anymore, who I am? If I don't have any anxiety, if I success to deal with my sensibility, my emotions, my impulsivity, who I am? If I'm able to work, to have a job, if I'm able to live "normally", who I am? If I'm not anymore disabled, or at least not bother by my AUDHD and BPD trait, who I am? If I'm getting less disabled, who I am? If I'm mentally stable, mentally fine, who I am? I just based a big part of my identity on my disorders and difficulty. "I'm autistic, ADHD, BPD, anxious, depressive, dissociation"
And I feel if I get better, it mean all what I live, all my suffer "wasn't a big deal". That I had no fvcking reasons to suffer, that I just dramatize and exaggerated everything and now I realize it or get bored, decided to stop it. I always feel like I have no reason to suffer, because Iot have live a LOT worse that what I have lived. I didn't get r@pe, I didn't get beat, I never get hit. I wasn't in a insalubre room, I wasn't completely alone, I wasn't extremely neglected. I was just yelled after for everything, be insulted when I do any error, I wasn't authorized to have friends come at my house, i wasn't authorized to go outside , to close my door, to express emotions, to have a opinion, to disagree, to say "no", to have clothes of the right size, to decorate my room. But in a other side, I had a lot of game, new console, plushies. I just lived with a fvcking kid who was a parent. A lot of stupid rule, like I didn't have the right of have curtain? I didn't have the right of cook, of cleaning, so even if it was dirty, I have to deal with it, restrictions on food ( 2 slice of bread par day, or 2-4 biscuits for breakfast )
I never get hit, he never physically hurt me. He never private me of food, he never locked me up in a room, he never make me take a cold shower. He never r@pe me, or touch me inappropriately (maybe like kiss, I didn't like that but because I can't say no, I just endure). It was just little things, never a big deal. In because I'm fvcking weak, I still have trauma. Thinking about him take me in panic attack, what he have say to me still affect me. I still think that I'm egoistic, a less than nothing, that I don't deserve to be happy, that I'm just dramatic, exaggerated everything, that I'm difficult, I feel guilty for everything, I apologize for everything.
Because people have live worse, I didn't have the right of complain or to be traumatized. People tell me the opposite, everyone in my entourage tells me the opposite , that's not because people have lived worse that I didn't have the right of be traumatized. That what I live was serious and had impact on me. But I still struggle to believe it, especially when I see people live worse. I just feel like I don't have the right of anything. I start to hurt myself because of that. I suffering but I didn't understand why, so I just give myself a reason. Like parent who beat their kid who say "I will give you a reason of cry", but it was myself. The only person who have beat me is myself.
One of the reasons why I love Towa, because I relate him on that. I want to be destroyed. The difference between him and me, I want to be destroyed by myself, not by anyone else. "It will be the only courageous things I will do" was what I thinking.
