you're just like me.

i think you’re telling a big ass lie right now, but it’s okay. i’ll let it pass. i could write a tell all with all the information i know about you. ever had an autobiography written by someone else ? you’re about to. who knew ms. cyrus was still in touch with her inner kid. good to know, man. i thought you lost her after humping a foam finger. aw, c’mon. benjamin button disease would be cool. we could celebrate your birthdays going backwards until.. well.. i don’t know what would happen when we reached zero. well, fuck ME then. lush. healthy. don’t be envious of my freshly cut grass.

i suppose that could be a healthy relationship but how can you take input from a group of people who haven’t even had a personal conversation with you ? asking for a friend. solid. does this imply that i’m THAT friend ? ah, i remember that you do have a birthday coming up. i got you. but i’m a mommas boy, grande. i love all mothers and not just my own. gotta spread the love with a few gifts here and there. dammit, i guess i’ll have to roast jimmy fallon again. this is fine, though. nope, i have commitment issues, man. damn, okay. yes ma’am.

only slightly. i just love me a coffee and some sparkling orange juice to go with. we don’t pass judgement over my unhealthy habits ! good question, i’ll ask the man upstairs during my prayers tonight. solid. i wonder if this could be used as a tax write off then for me. asking for.. someone who needs more of those. it’s okay, i’ll forgive this one. 

OKAY.. so we’re going for no pity ? cool. i can do this. so let’s switch it up, yeah ? what did you have for dinner ? and before you ask.. yes, that’s the best i’ve got.

@nickjonas: @halsey i meannnnn i guess i have to take back that approval stamp then

@nickjonas: @perrieeedwards i would like to thank the academy for giving this to me :/// I GOT YOU

hey, i don’t know who everyone is but i will say the ponytail is iconic and i’m not a HUGE fan of change. but this is a change i can live with. also, i heard it’s your momma’s birthday so send her my best wishes and to be expecting something in the mail shortly. i don’t know how long it’ll take since i’m in london, but it’ll get there. hey ! you said be bad. that’s in my book of bad if you ask me. i got you on that, then. i can’t promise everyday, though. but once in a while i can do. requests like what, exactly ? noted.

      i think you have excellent taste if you think our album is part of it. spread the word, because i think best selling album of 2019 is a good look for us. okay, dope choice. now when i play it live, i HAVE to shout you out. nope, not doubting you at all.

i can’t begin to act like i get it, because i don’t. but i trust however you want to go about it and if that means.. not speaking on it for a while, then don’t let anyone try and convince you you HAVE to.

obsession is a BIT of an understatement. ‘ miley and her dead petz ’ ? yeah, we remember her. it’s practically burned into my fucking brain. i actually was considering taking my niece to see it and now that it has the miley cyrus stamp of approval... it must be done. are we the same person ? i’ve been talking about getting a farm myself. the dream is very much still alive and happening. see, you lost me at growing pizza. try again next time, cyrus.

i would very much like that. even though, i rather a coffee and a mimosa to top the day off. i think i deserve the pizza beforehand but i guess i’ll just have to find patience instead. i bet you are. but fuck it, we love supporting any kind of work force and strippers are one of my top five. so you’re trying to tell me you didn’t laugh at all ?

@nickjonas: @perrieeedwards now you're complimenting my taste ? please tell me what i did to deserve this special treatment. i should, and put my face on the duck instead this time