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F1/Charles Fic——Here or my blog @natwritesf1

It’s hard trying to scrub every memory of that one person until there’s only you left, and as the water poured down on her she started to wonder when it all went downhill, when she started to feel overlooked by the only person that should truly see her, who should truly understand.

She knew that he was sitting outside that same wall that divided their hearts, but it felt like that division had started to fragment before that same altercation. He just wasn’t aware of it, and she knew that comfort was the last thing she wanted. The one that had hurt her and caused it, shouldn’t find peace so quickly; The pain that he had caused, had to ferment in his heart and mind. 

He grew irritable as she became aware of the fact that he had started to change for the worse, surrounding himself with bad influences, who instead of helping him thrive and succeed were only giving him distractions. He had a beautiful life that included a perfect wife and a stable and healthy career. But that same life, he started to neglect as soon as new vices came in the form of parties and temptations. 

He probably only believed his own lies, those broken promises that apparently still kept her happy in his eyes, but to have peace of mind she didn’t ask and she didn’t lurk in his shadows, wanting to still have some trust in him, but it was breaking and she knew it. However, she stayed because there was a promise that she wanted him to keep, that family that they wanted was their dream and he had to make it a reality, he had after all…

They tried for months, the process wasn’t perfect, she kept thinking that she had failed and his reassurances quickly started to fade, that support had gone missing. Those pleasurable moments had dimmed, they became rehearsed and dull. There was nothing beautiful about their love making, it was a tedious task that they found dreary, he had started to find her boring and she had started to find him disconnected.

There was no shedding of clothes or kisses, it became too traditional, too cold. There were no confessions of love and desires, just two people caught in the act of unpleasant sexual frustration. Those moments of anticipation as she waited for the results, vanished after every negative sign, but he had also vanished from her side, there was no comfort, because he knew that they would keep trying to no avail. 

Until those symptoms started to appear, of course she was happy, that positive sign was all she wanted, but he wasn’t there. She hated knowing that their baby was not made with love but with disciplined calculations. She didn’t want to find out what his reaction would be, she didn’t even know if he still loved her, which meant that he might not want a baby with her after all, she was afraid that he would regret everything. 

So one last try was all she had left, a surprise trip where she had planned to tell him, it wasn’t a surprise that he couldn’t tell that she was expecting, she kept it a secret for 3 months until she was risk free. Sure he started to wonder why she didn’t pounce on him every chance she got, he was tracking just as much as her, but he didn’t want to question her. 

Maybe she was just tired or maybe she was just waiting to have him home. The slight pouch on her lower abdomen was probably from all the medication, after all it would cause weight gain and he simply didn’t want to mention it because he would end up hurting her. She had been more irritated with him and again he blamed the medication, however that glow was there and she was even more desirable and beautiful, only he felt like he couldn’t touch her, like he couldn’t have her, like he had lost the right to love on his wife, and of course he knew that it was his fault, only he was too slow to act and there he realized that he was losing her…

“…I have a trip planned to Ibiza from the fifth of July to the eighth…” she wanted to scream, she had told him in advance about their trip to France, so she looked at him with so much disappointment, she couldn’t do much but to sigh. “…what’s wrong, I can’t go? Do I need your permission?” His challenging gaze softened as he saw the tears in her eyes. 

“I’ve never been able to control you have I? So cut that attitude and remember why I’m upset” of course he wanted to keep going but he didn’t want to complicate his day with an unnecessary fight that would leave her  upset. 

“Just please tell me…”

“The trip that I had planned to France falls in those days” and he seriously groaned, right in her face. Of course he wished he could take it back but she had already left the room.

“Wait baby…” he was able to catch her arm, gently turning her around “ …can we please move some things around? I really do want to go but I also want to have fun…” he winced, he was so stupid for wording everything wrong. 

“So, I’m not fun for you?…”

“Of course you are, I didn’t mean it like that…” his hold on her tightened with desperation. 

“I’ll just cancel our trip, don’t worry…” but she paused to think, of course she saw his relief, but if she pushed their trip back to a couple of more days, she would start to become a very noticeable pregnant woman, so she fought and decided to put her foot down “…actually -fuck no, I want to go to the trip that I had planned for us, it’s important to me that we go on time” it’s also fell on their anniversary, so she believed it was perfect. 

“But why? I can’t cancel on my friends…” 

“But you can cancel on your wife, do I come second to your so-called friends?”

“Of course you don’t, but I need to be there…”

“Why, so you can get pissed and absolutely lost?”

“No, I just need to decompress from our horrible season…”

“And your wife can’t help you with that? I don’t care Joško, you better start trying to win me over, after all I trust you too much because God knows why you’re so ready to leave me…” and sure he gasped, hand over heart and all, but she wouldn’t back down. 

“You’re not trying to say that I’m being unfaithful are you?”

“I don’t know, are you?” His face fell with the realization that she didn’t believe him.

“Don’t accuse me of that, I’m no cheater. I would never do that to you…”

“But will you admit that you’ve been neglectful?” 

“I would never do that to us, I would never put you through that, I love you too much to let another woman come between us, so don’t doubt me on that…”

“You haven’t answered my question” he nodded, defeated but still a bit clueless. 

“I know okay, so how can I make it up to you?”

“I already told you, our trip needs to happen…”

“But baby…” she yanked his hold off, ready to face his indifference. 

“No! This is your only change to prevent our relationship from crumbling even more than it has.” There was resignation in his eyes but also anger. 

“Ok, I’ll tell the boys, and you better make it memorable…” She had to stop herself from backtracking her own path, she wasn’t his first priority anymore but she would make him crawl and kneel for her forgiveness that she knew, so she remained strong. 

“You will regret ever making me feel this unimportant, this small. Once you know why I was so insistent on you going, your guilt will eat you alive and I will gladly feed off it.” She walked away as his eyes widened with pent up clarity. 

The whole drive was quiet, it’s not like she wanted to drive, but she didn’t want to go through the hassle of getting approval from her doctor to fly, plus all that pent up anxiety was no good for her, that’s why the French countryside would do her wonders, but first they had to get there without killing each other, if looks could kill, she would’ve been buried six feet deep. 

“I need to pee” a statement that made him groan, in the last five hours she had requested six bathroom stops, at that rate they wouldn’t make it on time. 

“Baby, again?”

“I just drank a lot of water” he picked up her full water bottle.

“You haven’t touched the water bottle” of course he would point out the obvious.  

“Well, it’s also cold inside” he turned off the air conditioning and rolled down the windows. 

“There, after this stop I don’t want more constant interruptions” 

“Deal, just please hurry finding a petrol stop” he had a hint of amusement in those beautiful eyes, and that look made her sheepishly smile at him. God she really was beautiful he thought, and that smile made him reach for hand to place a few lingering kisses on her skin, a physical touch that she hadn’t felt in months, at least not one with need and affection, or one that was actually initiated with love and spontaneity. 

“You will pee your pants in the next few minutes or what?” 

“I think I will” he softly laughed, there was no humor in her voice, just pouty confessions. 

“Ok, there’s one in four kilometers” 

“That’s close right?” He noticed her crossed legs and a pained expression.

“Yes baby, I’m almost there. You see the sign?” 

“You’re the best” he didn’t even notice their still intertwined hands, until she also placed a tiny kiss on them. 

“I love you, do you know that?” She hummed, but still whispered back those three words. “…I love you too” but at that second the need to not pee her pants took over. 

“Will you come with me?” It was darker so of course he had to protect his wife. 

“Of course baby…” he found a spot and quickly went to her side to open the door, guiding her to the Toilets. He was pulled inside the bathroom, and yes that wasn’t unusual for a married couple, but they hadn’t been a couple in what felt like years.

“It’s never ending is it?” She giggled a bit, her face felt hot with embarrassment, but he didn’t seem to mind, he just put water on his face to wake up a bit more. 

“I don’t know why my bladder is holding so much liquid” he turned back to look at her and he loved how unfazed she was now, of course because she faked unawareness. 

“Maybe it’s just knowing that you’re on a trip, like how you start to feel car sickness before you’re even in the car.” and thankfully her morning sickness had passed. 

“So like jitters?” Or your baby pushing down on my bladder, she thought. As she finished doing her business, that lovesick gaze that he had for her did not falter. 

“Exactly…” She bumped his hip, moving him to the side, but a surge of force to just pull her to his side created an embrace that he believed he couldn’t have. 

“Baby I need to wash my hands…” so he hugged her from behind, unknowing that his hands were resting where his baby was safely nesting, so naturally she tensed, “…is this ok?” He asked, confused by her sudden grimace. 

“Yes, sorry I just have a pouch from the medicine, I know you’ve noticed and now you’re actively touching me, it’s just that I’m not so confident as of recently…” 

“I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way…” she shook her, turning to face him, her cheek being caressed with so much unfamiliar tenderness. 

“It’s not you…”

“Maybe not, but I haven’t reassured you, you’ve recently started to look different…”

“Oh?…” he urgently held her closer, placing a quick kiss on her forehead. 

“No no baby, you’re just glowing, I just believed that I couldn’t touch you or even initiate any sort of intimacy. I haven’t been kind and just the stress of everything has made me more tense and that reflected into our relationship, so I’m sorry that I haven’t expressed how breathtaking you look, you are” surely he must be going blind she thought, but she did read that husbands start to desire their pregnant partners, so of course, the spark of confidence in the back of her mind believed him. 

“I never told you that you couldn’t touch me?”

“I know, I just believed that I slowly started to lose that right, I feel like I’m losing you to my own temper and our own struggles.”

“You’re not losing me, I think we’ve hit a block, that’s it” 

“How can I fix it?”

“Just start letting me in again,” he nodded, gently kissing her, the kiss never made it past familiar grounding, it wasn’t desperate or hungry, just welcomed. With a satisfied hum she pulled back, pecking his lips once more….

That brief normalcy lasted probably one hour, that’s how long it took her to start crying because she was holding her pee to not make him mad. The sniffles made him raise his eyebrows in confusion, what had made her upset? He was still holding her hand, giving her a few more kisses, so what had he done?

“What’s going on?” She broke down into heavy sobs.

“I don’t want to tell you” 

“Why not?” He asked, exasperated. 

“You will get mad at me”

“I promise I won’t, just tell me” but of course his temper was never his friend. 

“I need to pee again” she hiccuped waiting for his reaction, that gentle thumb that was comforting her stopped, he dropped her hand and groaned, pulling over to the side of the road in pure silence. 

“What are you doing?” Her door and the back door of her side flew open.

“You will pee here” she wasn’t a child, they had no toiletries, and the grass was high.

“Have you lost your mind?” 

“No, I’m just tired and by the time we get there we’ve already missed a few hours of relaxed time…”

“I can drive if you’re tired…”

“With your bad eye sight? I think not, besides it will give you more control of the wheel to make dozens of more stops, not to mention how horrible you drive” she should smack him because he was wearing glasses, and once again he was making her feel small, belittling her. 

“No” she had crossed her arms and so did he, a stubborn couple created a recipe for disaster.

“If I advance and we see a stop, I will not make it in”

“Well you’re so good at that already” he chuckled, so she’s funny, he thought. So he closed both doors and began the drive again. Passing a sign for a stop, and she whined but he continued. 

“ I will pee the seat” she exclaimed with a bit of pain.

“Oh fuck, I missed again, seems about right isn’t it?” His victorious smirk vanished when he saw her pained expression. 

“Joško, I’m not joking, just pull over” she rummaged through her back and found a pack of traveling tissues, and with a desperate look, he got the hint that she wasn't exaggerating, he pulled over to a more clear scenery. As soon as he stopped, she didn’t give him time to go to her, she opened both doors and hastily squatted, not waiting for his help. 

“For God’s sake!…” He jumped out, quickly going to her side, offering his arm for support, but she only held tighter to the door and seat, avoiding his face. The tissues were tightly wrapped around her hand so he reached to grab them, since the pee had stopped but she yanked her arm away causing her to almost fall butt first, but he stopped the fall. She puffed with anger and fear and when she finally managed to wipe, the guilt on his face could be read in every language. 

“I’m done, let’s go” the squat created soreness, but she stood with a challenging look, he closed his mouth, unable to come up with a reasonable apology. So she got back in, slamming the door of his precious car, she heard his scream of frustration when he closed the other door, when he got in he received her coldness.

“If I bother you so much, I-I won’t ask anything from you again, we will make it to the cabin and I promise I will give you your space…”

“Love, I need you to know…”

“No, I won’t believe anything that comes from your mouth again, I should’ve known that I will just feel like a baggage in this trip and even if you went to Ibiza, I would’ve  been in the back of your mind bugging you, so I will piss off, because I do not want to be belittled by my husband again, I won't allow it” 

“I’m not meaning to make you feel this way…”

“Joško, I need you to be silent from now on.” He nodded, there was no way he could solve this in a moving vehicle, if he couldn’t touch her before there was no way in hell he would try in an unsafe position, so he went on, stopping every hour for bathroom stops, even if she didn’t ask, even if she tensed up as he walked beside her, and even if she would close the toilet door to stop any proximity from happening. 

When they made it into the cabin, she didn’t even enjoy the scenery. It was early morning, the long drive plus the border crossings were just too much for her pregnant self to handle, so she did what she didn’t want to do, she was tired and too sad to think straight. 

She took a detour to the bathroom to freshen up and go straight into a much needed nap. When she woke up, he was filling the fridge with the food they had brought. It seemed like he had explored a bit of the town since he brought a couple of pastries and a chai for her and even more local food. 

“Morning love, I got you something to eat…” she nodded, taking a small sip of chai and a few bites of the flaky pastry. “…do you want to rest today?” She nodded again, and he sighed. 

“Is this what we’re going to do? Exist in silence, because I’m missing out on a trip…”

“Just go Joško” that quickly made him shut his mouth.

“And do what? Leave you here, completely livid with me, thinking the worst of me, making me feel like I’ve failed you, like I can’t give you what you’ve always wanted. I know the double meaning of that comment you made on the drive here, and it hurts me just as much as it hurts you, believe me it does. But I can’t enjoy and rest if you’re actively ignoring the truth and the reason we’re both here” 

“What’s the reason?” She wasn’t going to apologize for her comment. 

“That you want to ask me for a d-divorce” she let out a breathy laugh, shaking her head because he still didn’t understand.

“Just go on your trip, you paid for your friends to go, and it was stupid to ask for your presence when you’ve been avoiding me for so long. I just don’t want to keep feeling overlooked by the person that should see me with zero hatred and disregard, instead there is  blame…I feel like a burden, like I’m an inconvenience to all your fun and desirable plans…like I don’t belong with you, to you” 

“I don’t hate you, I think you should tell me all of this before accusing me of negligence, you’re not interfering with my life, you’re part of it…you’re absolutely mine as I am yours…” 

“I don’t think so, at least I don’t think I fit into your life anymore.” 

“Darling, I know we’ve been distant and I’m trying to not let that stop me from fixing this but we’re both making it hard for that to happen. If we’re loving each other, in a second we’re back to fighting, tell me why there was urgency in this trip?” 

“It’s our anniversary…”

“I know that baby, but I booked the trip to Ibiza just for three days, I would’ve been back to surprise you with our own destination, I had a surprise for you too…”

“I told you before you made the trip…you’re just bored of me, of our life together…”

“What! I’m not, I want this, I’m just failing you and I don’t know how to fix this without causing you more pain, more reasons for you to be distant, I know I’m difficult but so are you, we’ve always clashed, that’s why we have never fought this bad…” 

“Well, currently we’re at war, how does that make you feel?” His bewildered eyes said everything, he truly felt incapable of controlling their situation, he felt useless. 

“Horrible! I don’t know how to apologize because all I’ve done for years is try to please you, by not causing unnecessary fights and distance but currently I’m failing at giving you what we want, I want to give you a baby, and all of that is making me anxious because I think I physically can’t…” her toughness fell, he was feeling inadequate. “…I think we need to get some tests done and I wanted the Ibiza trip to be my last trip to let go before I discipline myself with more healthy and stable habits whether it is more exercise or nutrition. I don’t know what I have to do but I will get you pregnant, just please give me time to relax…”

“So you want to get to Ibiza?”

“Yes I do, I need to find clarity on how to not miss” sarcastic or not. she found herself selfish, for three months she's known that they hadn’t failed while he was kept in the dark with guilt and shame. Now she didn’t know if he would be surprised or just angry that she had kept that from him. 

“Book the flight, I’ll stay here and in three days you will come back to me, but I need to give you your gift now, after, you get to decide whether you want to stay or leave…” His breathing had calmed down a bit, accepting the medium sized box, with confusion since she still kept a hold of it, not wanting him to open it until she was done showing her fear, which clearly will not vanish. “…I’m scared that I’ve ruined this, that I’ve made it less special for you, but all I wanted was to give you a huge surprise, but I just think I caused unwanted tension and stress, I don’t want to know your reaction, it won’t be special or memorable for you-.” 

He opened the box with urgency, his heart wanting to explode with pride, anger and sadness all in a twisted loop of love and resentment, when he saw the positive test. She stopped breathing while he sobbed, pulling her into an embrace that they both couldn’t resist but also one that they both couldn't fully accept, it was undeserved due to all the pain that they’d experienced in the making of their baby.

Avoidable, that’s what it was. Those fights and hurtful thoughts could’ve been avoided, if they had just come clean. If she would’ve been honest and him more approachable … He came to his senses pulling away from her, he couldn’t accept her comfort and she didn’t want to give it to him. So she ran into the bathroom once again… she felt like she was drowning. 

         (continuing from the beginning of story) 

“…I know I hurt you, but please don’t stop talking to me…it’s easy for you to assume that I don’t listen to you, but I do, so please don’t shut me out, I know you had your reasons to not tell me, but fuck it hurts.” He was probably sitting by the door, the water running made it hard to really hear him, but she still got into the shower again, she had to wake up from that nightmare. 

She had to feel wanted and in control, just as much as him. He now knew he hadn’t failed at giving them what they’ve always wanted, but he had failed at being a good husband and that hurt just as much, but maybe she had her faults too. 

When the water stopped he quickly got up, ready to take her into his embrace as soon as the door opened. When she finally came out, the first thing she saw was his eyes, they had never lied to her before, and even though they were red and teary she still distinguished his pain and happiness. “I’m…”

“I’m sorry draga, I’m truly sorry for making this trip so horrible, for being selfish and stupid, I just felt like I couldn’t function, like a failure who had his head on something that he believed he couldn’t achieve. My job was stressful and coming home to a dissatisfied wife was just so horrible and exhausting. I didn’t know how to deal without you, but I also struggled to seek help from you, I wanted the Ibiza trip to happen so I could escape from your disappointment…”

“I always believed it was me who was failing, I mean you’re a top level athlete, there was no way I could ever be more healthy than you, I’ve never been interested in keeping a perfect figure, I believed I let myself go after we got married, I gained weight and stopped trying to be desirable, and I thought that because of that you didn’t want me enough to get me pregnant…”

“No baby, in every change that we physically went through, I still saw you as perfect, I wanted you even more when we decided to start trying, it’s just that every failed test we pushed each other away, I didn’t know if my comfort was what you wanted, or needed since I wasn’t successful, I was just trying to make it seem like if we didn’t want it enough then it would happen, that’s why it felt indifferent”

“I’ve known for three months, does that make you angry?” He closed his eyes in sadness, not in anger, she had her reasons and he had to accept them, she wanted to surprise him and he had ruined that for her. 

“No love, I understand why you did it”

“But it hurts knowing that our baby wasn’t made with love…”

“I’ll stop you right there, we’ve never stopped loving each other, sure the act became more rehearsed and less romantically emotional, but the aftermath left us with hope and what is love without hope?” She slowly walked towards him, wrapping her arms around his waist, and he only held her head close to his chest, kissing her head any chance he got. 

“I felt like I had to perform to get a baby, it’s just so hard to be happy when the process was painful and difficult to connect with you” 

“I never felt used, I knew that even if my trainings and actual matches were difficult, a lot of times I came home to make love to you after a win, a high that left me happy on the inside, so I will choose to believe that we created this baby with happiness deep within, you always welcomed me home with a kiss and hug after every win, so you had to be proud of me, right?” She kissed his chest the only place she could reach without losing that skin contact. 

“I’m always proud of you, I just think that sex was tedious for the most part because we were both miserably close minded. If we would’ve talked and went over our fears of failing conception, then maybe we would’ve fucked with desire and less monotony”

“We were always so fucking horny before the decision to start a family, there we failed to realize that us two were already a family.” 

“We lost ourselves in the moment”

“I feel like it’s my fault, guilt is eating me alive but are you full from it?”

“No, I’m not satisfied, because I’ve realized that I made you drown in my silence, the decision to not tell you right away created the need for you to distance yourself from me because you believed that space would bring me back to you, but I was there, I was holding onto you, I’m sorry as well, for making it hard for you to love me” 

“It wasn’t that baby, not entirely all of it, but I did feel like I had lost the right to grab you and keep you with me. That Ibiza trip again, I needed it to come back to you with all the intentions to just make you full, I was absorbing your happiness, I needed to bring that smile back, guilt or not. I needed you filled with joy, but I kept missing the actual problem, which was just my undivided attention towards our relationship” 

“Did you really think I wanted a divorce?”

“Yes, I wasn’t kind baby, I probably made you suffer these past three months and that hurts more than me not knowing, I could’ve been more present and less indignant with your lack of attachment to me. I believed that you no longer wanted or needed me, I was being a prick while you were carrying my child, and I can’t help but think that you were worried alone, probably filled with anxiety about getting out of the risky first trimester without me ”

“I just didn’t want you to find out like that, I wanted to solve the underlying issues first, and I mistakenly thought that a trip would bring us closer again, so I’m sorry, I admit that I was worried about a miscarriage or a health issue but I’m risk free, and for that I’m glad that we’re at ease now” 

“I could’ve been giving you so much pampering. So many unlimited pleasures.”

“Yeah like what?”

“Constant massages and unlimited cravings, or even my comfort and touch. I could’ve facilitated any pain , discomfort, or doubts and I could’ve started to bond with my baby” 

“But I also hid it from you because I wanted to tell you risk free, I mean I still have to be careful but I had to make sure that I was truly safe” his eyes bulged with the realization of his sudden protectiveness over her health and safety. 

“Are you? How are you really, baby?”

“I’m good, the baby is just as healthy” he slightly pulled away, finally taking in her frame. The one that was wrapped in a flimsy towel. 

“ I knew you looked even more beautiful” she swatted the air, refusing to believe him. 

“You’re just saying that…”

“No, I’ve been telling you for quite some time now, you’re glowing.” He slowly caressed her hip, not fully ready to touch her without reassuring her. 

“You’ve been unconsciously touching my belly, that’s why I tensed every chance that you touched me, there weren’t many touches anyways…” he winced at his lack of touch towards his wife “…I just kept allowing you to think it was the medication, maybe to also hide all the insecurities that were brought from the months of failed attempts.”

“I didn’t want to further sour your mood, even if I noticed slight changes, we are human and we’re allowed to change, but that never made me love you any less” 

“Deep down I knew that. But back then I thought that you had lost interest” 

“Never you hear me, I love you too much…”

“You can still go on your trip, now that this one wasn’t as special…” his gaze hardened, but it must’ve been from his own stupidity. 

“Hey, I’ll stop you right there, it was special by the way, I think this will make us stronger, we solved our fears by talking and of course I’m never fucking leaving your side. I just want to say how sorry I am for making these months tough on you, and just thinking that I wasn’t enough for you, I let my doubts blind me, I should’ve reassured our love  to understand that we were always capable of bigger things”

“Again, I’m also sorry for hiding such news from you, I encouraged three more months of your spiraling because I wanted to erase the hostility that we created in the making of this little one…” she looked down on her belly and his hands that were still glued to her side- he still believed he didn’t have the right touch. “…you can touch me you know?” 

“Are you sure?” There was a ghostly touch. 

“Of course, take the towel off” and he did, as his little grin vanished when he finally took her naked form, and clear as her happy tears, her body was beautifully different. 

“Wow baby…” he touched everywhere, her more plushy hips, her fuller breasts, and the tiny bump that would only keep growing and for that he grew even more excited. 

“Is this why you didn’t want to keep having sex with me?” He was now kissing her jaw, tiny pecks to bring some warmth and comfort to the dimness of her heart. 

“Yes and no, I just didn’t want the act to be different for us, you would’ve been blindsided, it stopped being enjoyable, you would’ve been concentrated, meaning stressed and I would’ve been guilty that I knew and you didn’t” she took initiative to kiss his cheek, a tiny push to be more open to touch again. 

“I guess you’re right… it wouldn’t have been fair to the both of us”

“Would you have noticed though? The changes…”

“I mean, I fucking love your body. I can’t say that I find any flaws in it now, so no, I would’ve enjoyed the trust that you have in me, which is the most important aspect of sex” 

“I wasn’t always trustful, that also started to fall apart” 

“I know and I’m sorry that I caused those cheating doubts…” she nodded along to his apologies, accepting them with her regrets as well. 

“I’m sorry that I made you think I wanted a divorce” 

“I guess we have a lot of catching up to do, start the brightness again, but thank you for making our dreams come true, you have no idea how happy I am” 

“Thank you as well…can I ask you something?” He nodded, pulling her closer, wrapping her naked body in a warm and soft embrace, since suddenly she felt timid. 

“Anything baby” 

“Can we please make love?…” He pulled slightly back, surprised by her sudden need, it’s not like it was shocking, but he knew that she must’ve been dealing with some pent up frustrations due to her changing hormones, so he didn’t shy away or shame her for said desires, he was just welcoming a nice surprise. “…I’ve had needs as of recently, I’ve also missed you, and…” and he stopped her right there with a lustful kiss, one that erased all her doubts, all the tears, and every pain that they both had gone through. 

“Come on, let's go make you comfortable…” and he truly touched her with all the love that had gone missing. It was like unwrapping a gift, getting to explore all the welcomed changes, it was far from reality, it truly felt perfect, knowing that she was full of their love. Sure the underlying guilt he felt was present and he would truly always regret how he behaved, but as she came undone he understood that they were both cruel to be kind. They were protecting each other from the pain and inadequacies of the obstacles of love. 

“You ok, was I too much?” She looked hazy with lust, as he removed the fallen pieces of hair that were sticking to her forehead. 

“Yeah?” her beautiful eyes were filled with tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m just glad it’s over, I had forgotten what it was like to actually enjoy sex…” 

“Oh baby, come here?” He didn’t know if he could possibly pull her any closer, they were both in desperate need of warmth. 

“ I just want to go back to how we were but of course we can’t now, we’re expecting massive changes…”

“Improvements baby, not changes. Our baby will make us bond even more than before. We have to be strong for them but we also have to be the best version of ourselves, but we have to welcome the excitement and the challenges, I know we struggled and I know we weren’t kind, but we are still in love and we can’t forget that, you can’t convince me that we’re weren’t deeply devoted to each other even if we were angry, nothing else matters but you” 

“ I just felt like my life was lost as I kept loving you, like my sight was everywhere besides where it had to be. I realized that I will forget my life loving you, and because of that my priority became a secret from you” he unconsciously caressed her belly, he had gotten the right to touch her back, not that he had lost it to begin with. 

“And that’s not a good thing, sure it’s devotion but you had to put yourself first and that’s why you kept the pregnancy a secret until you were ready, that isn’t selfish, I will never hold that against you” 

“I just want us to be happy again, are we on the right path?” 

“As long as we keep loving and trusting each other, yes we will be…” 

They eventually stumbled into the right path, sure it took some time, their holiday kept improving and so did the will to continue loving each other, but also coming to terms with their new addition. They were filled with excitement and love, and those accusations slowly disappeared. They didn’t feel overlooked or unworthy of each other's presence. They both learned that together and surrounded by good and loving people they were capable of overcoming their fears of detachment and failed attempts.

The End…

It was weird, having everything you could ever want right in your arms. He was happy, he had a cute six month old baby, with the love of his life. He did everything in perfect steps, he found a girl that complimented his personality, he married her, and when the time was right they decided to have a baby. 

The threat of his career was still very present, all the stress and responsibilities that came with being the best at what he did came with a price. Such as, limited time with his family, that’s why he was trying to drag the time with them, with his baby, he knew that he would miss a lot of important milestones,so he had to always come home happy and positive, ready to help his wife. 

So of course when he arrived home to an eerie house he freaked out, the nursery was left ajar and he could see his daughter peacefully sleeping with the cute projector they had installed, it wasn’t her normal nap time, usually she would be up and ready to stay awake until her normal bedtime. 

He could only think that something was wrong, the guest bathroom caught his attention, the door was never opened. They had never used that bathroom, unless family and friends were over, so of course he had to peek. That’s where she messed up, that mistake wouldn’t give her any time to ponder, to think everything through, she had no plan on how to tell him, or how to convince herself that it wasn’t real. 

Maybe that’s why she overreacted, because she just didn’t know how to cope with the news all by herself, she was simply lost, stuck in not believing the fact that she was pregnant. No one used the bathroom so naturally she took the tests there, but in her moment of panic she ran out to cry in their room without closing the door. A few hours later Pedri stood right where her nightmare began, holding the same stick, a bit pale from the shock and the selfish excitement he was feeling. 

He was excited but he knew that his wife wouldn’t be so thrilled, and she had every right to be worried and anxious about a new baby. So he carefully walked to her silhouette, the one that was clearly shaking and sniffing. He was also nervous but he had to ask. 

“Amor, ¿qué es esto?” He approached her with nothing but clarity and a bit of patience, even though his hand was shaking, the test moving along with his nerves, further taunting her with her own stupidity. 

Her breath hitched and right there she felt like all the blame was placed on her, even though he was as gentle as he could be when his wife was clearly distressed, he didn’t mean to spook her, he just wanted answers, so he took the opportunity to clear all his doubts, since clearly she was looking at him with guilt. 

“Fuimos cuidadosos, incluso esperamos otros dos meses sin sexo, para que pudieras sanar por completo-¿si llevaba condón? No fuimos irresponsables. Leí que la fertilidad es aún mejor después de tener el primer bebé, así que tuve que tener cuidado, por tu bien…” he paused, he was going off script “ ¿Es realmente positivo?” He wanted to continue stating all his worries. 

He never wanted to be the type of husband to rush his wife’s postpartum, especially for physical intimacy, nothing was more important than her mental and emotional health. So that’s why he encouraged her to decide when to start being intimate again, he had no problem reminding her how beautiful she was, he just wanted her to decide for herself and he would do that in this predicament as well. 

She kept shaking her head “I want space…” and that’s when he mimicked her defiance.

“Please let’s not do the space thing, that’s the last thing I want to do right now, so talk to me, so I can make you feel better” he was patient, giving her time to gather her thoughts, after all, if she was really pregnant, she had all the right to be confused. 

“…Ella todavía es muy pequeña, no sé por qué está sucediendo de nuevo y tan pronto…” So yes, Pedri thought, that’s a very clear indication that she in fact was pregnant again. 

“Ok…” he wanted to gather her in his arms, and that’s what he was going to do before the blame was thrown at him, so he stiffened his body.

“Es tu culpa…” the silence in the room stretched for eternity. “…pero en realidad no lo es…You’ve been so good to me, so patient and loving and I would love to repeat the parenting aspect of this new experience, but to do that, I have to go through the pain and anxiety of being pregnant again and it’s hard Pedri, because we’re still so new to this, this is the worst case scenario” 

“¿Por qué debería ser difícil? Me tienes aquí, No voy a ir a ninguna parte. Eso no es lo que soy, no soy ese tipo de hombre o pareja” 

“And I know that, but it’s crazy Pedri, we can’t fully enjoy this experience, I simply can’t do this alone…”

“Alone?-”

“Yes! You work, you can’t possibly take more time off, it’s not ideal to just do it again so soon, another season where you miss weeks of important involvement…” he was stunned, completely speechless. She couldn’t think that football was more important than his family, had he made it seem like it was? Now he had his own set of doubts. 

“And you think I care? This is way more important, you’re my future, you’re carrying another part of our future…” 

“But the plans we made with Maribel are now ruined, completely destroyed…everything is gone!” Breathing exercises were working for him but not for her. 

“I honestly don’t see how this is a problem, we have the means and resources to still be ok, I know you’re overwhelmed right now but could we just pause and talk without getting loud…”

“Well I’m sorry, but I’m upset”

“And you have every right to be upset, but so am I…”

“I didn’t know that you were the pregnant one? The one that needs to carry a baby for nine months, months that pass by so slowly, that honestly brings more shitty feelings than good ones. Not to mention looking all gross and so unkempt and not feeling like myself, I didn’t know that you felt all of that!?”

“I get it amor, I do and I’m not suggesting that pregnancy is easy, but I’m still confused…”

“About how you got me pregnant?” She was becoming incredulous, she wasn't seeing his concern and if she was, she wasn’t seeing it as real.  

“No, it’s just that I think you’re being unfair…”

“You got me pregnant four months after giving birth, How is that fair to me?”

“I’m sorry! I should’ve doubled the condom then-” he was  polite with his scream of frustration, it was more gasps of anger and sarcasm “-I’m sorry for getting you pregnant is that it? Because I never told you that you had to keep it” After all the years together, that was a first, he had never yelled at her once. 

“What will everybody say?”

“If we decide on the abortion no one will have to know…”

“Do you want one because it was never an option for me…” she was close to tears and desperation. 

“No amor, I just thought that it was what you wanted, your complaints were leading to that option, I would never make that choice for you” . The interruption was a relief for her. 

“We’re keeping it” that was said with certainty, and there were no doubts on her face to suggest otherwise, so he nodded along, happy for the news in secrecy. 

“Ok-So, you’re afraid of the world knowing?” He took a step closer to her still shaking frame, he reached out his hand landing on her arm, small touches were all he could give, and it was a blessing that she didn’t jump off his touch. 

“Yes, we will seem as irresponsible”

“¿Por qué, cariño? Estamos casados, no le debemos nada a nadie, especialmente una explicación de por qué quedaste embarazada tan pronto”

“No me gusta ser el centro de atención, y sé que luchamos por tener a Maribel, dos años para ser exactos. Así que sé que asumirán que estamos tratando de tener un niño cada año.” 

“Sé que parece así, pero hay personas que esperan demasiado y muy poco al mismo tiempo, así que honestamente tenemos que dejar de compararnos con los demás y dejar de ceder a sus expectativas”

“Our parents, our families were very understanding, they didn’t demand anything, but I guess it’s different because you’re you” 

“I come with extra baggage, but we can do it with privacy, yes?” She still wasn’t convinced,  her whole demeanor still lacked any calm, they knew that privacy was never a given in his life. 

“Just like we intended to do with Maribel’s existence, but we still got caught?” She raised her eyebrows as a challenge, but he wouldn’t fall for it, he broke the tension by simply directing her to his chest. 

“Te amo, y amo a mi familia y quiero todo contigo. Incluso las sorpresas inesperadas, esto no es un error o algo de lo que nos arrepintamos. Puedes confiar en mi palabra de que me tomaré un tiempo libre y te ayudaré como la última vez. Pero haremos algo diferente y dejaremos que nuestros padres ayuden un poco más, no somos inmunes a pedir ayuda. Nuestros amigos también pueden ayudar, y seremos más cuidadosos..." 

“In having sex?” He looked down to notice the amusement in her eyes and he couldn’t help but chuckle with her. 

“…Not with that, we were careful but I guess the condoms were the ones that tricked us, but we will be more careful with our needs for some alone time, what I mean is that we are not going to do everything in a hurry, we will demand for our health some much needed intimacy. I guess that the few times we had sex, we were rushing because it was time that we apparently can’t afford after we have a baby. So yes we have to be careful about not dimming our light, we need each other, and this won’t change that” 

“I’m sorry for being so mean, I’m just scared I guess” 

“I’m sorry as well, I will keep reassuring you that we’re capable of figuring this out, that you will be well taken care of. If anything I will demand more of my time off so I could be here with you. I don’t care at this point, I just worry about you” 

“I don’t know why I reacted so poorly though, I-I know that we are supportive and very much married and in love…”

“Baby, pregnancy is tough. You’re the only one that got to experience it physically, so of course I will believe your pain and worry. I will not invalidate your feelings and make you feel bad about something that we couldn’t really control. Maybe it’s just meant to be, we took precautions and somehow we still feel careless, because it didn’t go our way” 

“Maybe this was the only way, Maribel will have to be a big sister” he only held her tighter, she was making peace and looking at the positives. 

“Condoms were our solution and of course we had to join the statistics, so please don’t forget that we weren’t just going crazy and raw, we have every right to feel a bit upset and scared, because we weren’t really ready for the sudden changes, but like always we’ll have to be prepared for this new baby, and i'm sorry for raising my voice” 

“That’s when you know that I was annoying even myself.” He pecked her lips in a simple but gentle way, enough to ease her worry. 

“You were just worried baby, but by the way amor, did you only take a test?”

“No, I’ve been feeling very sore- my breasts and I’m just nauseous every time I wake up. I noticed that I was also just tired but I blamed it all on being a mother you know, I was so focused on the baby, so it hit me that I hadn’t had my period and I took the three last tests from before Maribel and all positive, I also made an appointment before I freaked out even more to be sure, but I’m sure it’s happening” 

“Ok, tell me when the appointment is, I can rearrange something, I want to ease your mind and just be supportive from the start just like our last pregnancy” 

“I have no doubts about this Pedri, I just worried too much about the ‘que diran’, besides, we’re pretty good at this” she gave a quick wink, sure her eyes were still bloodshot, but at least they had her spark back. 

“I know that we will do great, we’re already so happy, I’m sure that everyone will be too…” back in his arms, she relished the feeling of that moment, being surrounded by his warmth and love, by their shared excitement of expanding their future. Sure people spoke about the urgency of another pregnancy, but the important people cherished the news. Everything that Pedri had promised her became true, he did take care of them the whole way, even taking more time off for his family, but most importantly he erased every doubt that she had and would have as their love progressed. 

The End.

She shouldn’t have lied, she knew that Pedri liked stability, he liked routine, he was disciplined. That’s not how he was raised, but that’s something he learned along the way to get better, to be in control, and to turn himself into the man that he was raised to be. But of course he was tough as nails, he wasn’t one to be easily wooed by romantic cliches.

He was romantic though, he made sure to give his girl the best of experiences, the best version of him. However she wanted to do something nice for him, something that she knew he would like, a date from the comfort of their home. However she didn’t have to lie and say that she was sick, making him cancel the plans that he so meticulously planned with his friends weeks ago. 

Yet it was her only day off, she was a teacher and days off were only given on the weekend. She could’ve chosen Sunday but she had to clean her classroom for parent teacher conferences, so that left her little time with him. Plus he had been working himself out, thinking about the expectations placed by everyone that cared about football, he was the piece that held everyone together, the reliable one, the one that couldn’t mess up. 

He was stressed, but currently Pedri was annoyed, she had called him right when he had arrived at the club with his friends, after a nice dinner, saying she was sick when he had just seen her two hours ago, meaning he had left her perfectly healthy. 

She was sad when he arrived, the curt phone call had given her no indication that he would actually show up, she didn’t blame him, she just told him to not drink too much so that they could enjoy the rest of the night, it was ten when he arrived, he sighed when he saw her pouty lips. 

“¿Qué es todo esto?”He said, pointing at the gloomy but warm lights that surrounded their living room, cute fairy lights and nice smelling candles.  (What’s all this?)

“Es una pequeña cita sorpresa que tenía para ti…esperaba tener una noche de cine" she answered him with a hint of boredom. (It’s a little surprise date I had for you, I was hoping to have a movie night)

“I thought you were sick? I left the club to come home to you, to make sure you were alright” he was running his fingers through his hair, a clear sign of indignation. 

“I am fine, not sick, just want cuddles”he shook his head, his face twisting with pent up irritation, ignoring the way her arms invited him in for an embrace. 

“No, you knew I had made these plans with the boys, I even told you in advance, so I don’t know why you did this?”

“I know but I never told you to come home right away”

“Yeah, but you implied it”

“I just wanted to cheer you up”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been stressed…”

“That’s why I wanted to see the boys today, not be home all day with you, bored out of my mind”

“Bored huh? Ok, you can go to the club if you want” that’s all she said, standing up and walking away.

She was waiting for the brownies to come out of the oven, and at that moment the timer went off. she wasn’t expecting him to follow. He watched with amusement how she angrily slammed the oven door, but he also winced when she almost took the brownies out of the oven without a mitten. She became easily distracted, so much so that she didn’t notice him behind her, clearing the counter for her.  She bumped into Pedri’s hard chest, almost burning both of them. 

“Pedri! Watch it” 

“Ok, don’t talk to me like that” he grew irritated. He hated her sassiness. 

“I almost burned you” she said with agitation, while her deadpan stare made him twitch with awkwardness. 

“We’re fine, just set the brownies down and let’s go watch the movie, I saw the snacks that you-.”

“You can go, I’m not mad Pedri. I would rather see you actually relaxed with your friends, than being here all pouty and annoyed” he pursed his lips, taking a deep breath to calm his mind, he wasn’t doing much to convince her that he wanted to stay. 

“If you think I’m leaving now, you’re out of your mind, you will act fine and then you won’t speak to me for days, so I’m trying to avoid that by staying here…”

“You would rather be with them, correct?”

“Well yes, then I would’ve come home to you to spend the rest of the weekend with”

“Then go! I don’t want you here” she went into the living room, blowing out the candles and unplugging the fairy lights. The last thing she did was turn off the tv before she started to gather all the snacks to take back into the kitchen. 

“No, because you do want me here, you called for me and besides you did all of this and now we will set it up again and stay here” he grabbed a few bowls of snacks to help her carry them to the kitchen, there she realized that he wanted the opposite of what he was saying, he again wasn’t convincing her. 

“…I don’t care Pedro, I won’t be mad, besides everything is taken down” every piece of candy and popcorn was sealed into the cute pink Tupperware that Pedri had gotten for her as a gift for her baking duties. 

“Really? Then how come you have that cute mad face….” she rolled her eyes. “…stop with the attitude amor and let’s go” she shoved all the containers into the pantry. 

“Just say a thank you and go back to the club” 

“Why should I say thank you, when I didn’t ask you to do any of this?” He threw his arms up in frustration. 

“I don’t know, to make me feel better. I seriously want to be alone, Pedri, the food won’t go bad for tomorrow. Leave and come back to me when you crave my company” as she walked away he was able to pull her back into a warm embrace, gently placing a kiss on top of her head.

“I love you, and I always crave your company. You offend me by thinking otherwise” a gentle shove was given to his chest, she just wanted to walk away and that’s what she did. She quickly walked to the room so he wouldn’t see what was behind the door, the romantic setting that he wouldn’t be getting tonight or the next. He only caught a glimpse of her sad face and the rose petals on their bed before he heard the lock click. 

“Open the door amor! I seriously don’t understand why you chose today, that's it. I love what you’ve planned and it is a very sweet thing to do for me, but please don’t hold it against me, I just wanted a chance to catch up with the boys” he heard some shuffling in the other side of the door, the rushed patter of her feet against the floor, until the door flew open making him stumble, to regain his footing, his eyes finally saw what she had done. The whole bed was cleared and the bag in her hand just made him cage her against the wall, arms wrapped tightly around her waist. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” He mumbled against her skin.

“With Flor”

“Being with your cousin is more interesting than being with me?” He pulled back a bit to watch her stoic face.

“It is when she actually wants to spend time with me, I’m also taking the brownies…” he started to kiss her neck, nuzzling his face to keep her closer. 

“First my girl And then you want to take my brownies, absolutely not” he shook his head, his stubble tickling her even more. 

“Stop Pedri, you’re tickling me” he heard the amusement behind her voice.

“Is it working though, are you staying?” She felt his smirk against her skin, but she could be stubborn, butting heads like usual. 

“No, I already took down my best efforts, plus that nice lingerie set is off my body…”he couldn’t help but nuzzle his face further into her neck, taking in her beautiful scent, maybe he should stay. 

“Even better right, I don’t care about a flimsy set that’ll get ruined anyways, besides give me ten minutes and I’ll get everything back together” the reminder of her best efforts being taken down, brought her back to earth, so she shrugged him off. 

“No Pedri, you really hurt my feelings…”

“And I’m sorry my love, but I was blindsided” 

“I just wanted to do something nice, you always do everything and I just wanted to return the romance, but you’re not easily surprised. I know it was your time with the boys but I also don’t know when else to surprise you because you’re so busy” 

“Look I love giving you everything, I feel so fucking good when I make you happy. When I make you all flustered and giddy about a gift, a simple task that I’ve taken off your hands or even a silly compliment. I like doing that for you, it doesn’t bother me. I love being the kind of man you deserve, right now you can continue being mad at me, make me sleep on the couch because I’ve realized that I wasn’t being fair. But I also only wanted one day with the people that I don’t have to love too much. It’s stupid but I really wanted to act stupid and not so mature, don’t doubt me baby because I love the way you love me. You listen and you make me feel like a deserving man and that’s all I want, so allow me to fix this tonight.” She finally pulled him closer, gently caressing that stupid frown. 

“You don’t have to be mature with me, I love the glimpses of silly Pedri that I get and I don’t mean the tease or flirt that you are, I mean when you get excited and giddy about my brownies or when you randomly run to the swings in the park and swing for a few minutes. I love when you don’t have so many stress frowns that are prominent on your face, you deserve to be pampered by me. I know that you love giving me all those love languages, but I want to return the happiness that you give me-that you make me feel” he softly kissed her lips, a chaste kiss to calm her heart. 

“I love you, and I’m sorry that I wanted to be selfish today…”

“Go Pedri, please go with your friends and be selfish, I won’t be mad and I promise I won’t make you sleep on the couch, just go and be silly but promise that I’ll get a glimpse of you in that state when you get home…”

“I just don’t want you to be mad…”

“I’m not baby, tomorrow you will help me decorate my classroom though” she poked his chest with an unsure smile, she still didn’t know if he was mad at her.

“Of course baby…”

“Are you mad at me for interfering with your night?”

“No, I’m glad I came. You told me that you worry about me- yes I’ve been stressed and you made me realize that, but I'm a bit upset that you made up a lie that you were sick, I worry too you know?” He took a step closer to her, gently kissing her forehead and then staying there, admiring the clear pout she still housed. 

“I’m sorry I promise that I’ll just be honest, I just wanted to selfishly have you…”

“Baby you’ll always have me, I’m yours and that doesn’t change tonight” 

So he ended his night a bit tipsy with his friends, laughing and enjoying himself while she waited, but with Flor, enjoying some much needed girl talk. They ate the brownies, only saving one for Pedri. Just as he promised he ended the night in her arms, acting as silly as he could be when he needed to prove just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her. 

The next day he happily ate his brownie as he helped her hang inspirational posters and other cringey classroom decor. The mundane and simple tasks were apparently all that mattered- all they needed to not feel the weight of stressful expectations that came along with adulthood, they just needed each other’s support and attention, all to feel like everyday wasn’t missed by everything that didn’t include their love. 

The end…

a/n: Let me know how I did, I’m a bit rusty with my writing. I’ve been reading more than writing, so please be honest. Also don’t be afraid to reach out and leave your feedback, I would love to get back into writing.

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