Work Of A Misfit Boy

I cut off ties with you a few months ago. Our last conversation was about the relationship between me and my cheating ex boyfriend. I told you I finally told him off. You could have told me that you didn't want me to talk bad about him. You could have just changed the subject entirely. Instead you responded by telling me you two are now the best of friends and that he was hurt by my words. You also told me that we were both toxic to each other and despite what happened I should not regret dating him. Tell me what I did that is as bad as cheating under the guise of polyamory. Tell me how staying in an unhealthy relationship and trying to make it work because I was afraid no one else would love me is on par with cheating. And me sharing this insecurity did not mean confess to the crush you had on me when we were teenagers.

Now his sins are not yours. However you were a really toxic and horrible person. From 13 to 18 years old, I had to listen to you vent constantly about how you wanted to die and you self harming. You did this without considering for one second how this could affect me, your so called best friend. I kept this all in, not wondering how I was coping. I even felt guilty at times for wishing to myself that I had a less negative friend. Even when you attempted suicide when I was 16, I felt guilty for failing to keep you alive. You even said you were sorry. Even though you kept up the suicidal talk after. I should have just called your mom or reported you to the counselors.

I have one distinct memory about this subject. This was about a month after your attempt. I was shopping at a Food4Less. You and I were texting. You asked me about the "proper" way to slit your wrists so you could just die. I told you even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you. You called me an awful friend and that if I really cared about you, I should let you die. I get a lot of what I'm complaining about was your depression talking. However I was never required to take you on as my problem to love. Especially cause I don't think you did the same for me.

Now like two years into our friendship, I came out as a transgender boy. You were one of my first supporters but looking back now you were not a great ally. I was correcting one of our former friends about my pronouns for the millionth time, and you told me in front of him that it was hard for even you to get right and that I shouldn't be so aggressive or pissy. I told you that I wore flannel to hide my chest because I couldn't bind. You told me my chest got bigger and made fun when I buttoned up my flannel. Whenever we fought and didn't talk for a few days, you would say my birth name and misgender me because you were mad. With our biggest fight, you outed me to an entire GTA online server. You would also out me to your friends just because they would ask why my voice was so high. You even had the audacity to say I should not be ashamed of being trans when I explained that outing me to people was not a nice thing. Also never ask a trans guy if he has a bra you can have. I don't give a fuck that you have pregnancy brain.

You tended to treat me more like a human Google and a relationship counselor. You had to energy to ask me to look up shit, but couldn't do it yourself. And every single boyfriend and new friend you had always seemed to cause a problem for you and you come running to me crying asking me what to do. For fucks sake by the time I even started dating, you were like on your tenth boyfriend (I'm not saying having multiple partners is bad. I'm saying I was leaned on a lot.)

Now after your suicide attempt, you changed schools. I had to make new friends and I did. You did not like that. You called them weak and always made me feel guilty by saying I was replacing you. I wasn't and they knew that because I talked about you constantly. When I tried to intergrate you into my new friend group, you told one of my friends that since you were back, she was no longer needed. You even tried to make me Instagram famous which as a private person I didn't like. And when I tried undoing your damage and explained why I did that, you laid another guilt trip. You even hated when I would become friends with your exes and talk to them even after you broke up with them. And you would guilt me by saying that you didnt talk to my exes after my relationships with them ended. You're a liar.

Speaking of that, I think your crush on me when we were teenagers, caused you to lie to me about my first girlfriend and love cheating. I was too distant and her mom did not like me which were the reasons we first broke up. She didn't cheat. I was so hurt and so angry and I trusted that you were telling me the truth. I have a feeling you expected me to run into your arms because you were the one helping me cope with my first heartbreak.

All in all, I hate you which means I still do care about you. We were best friends for six years. You were supposed to be best woman at my wedding and the godmother of my children. We were supposed to grow up together. Speaking of children, I hope you do change for the sake of your daughter because God help us all if you don't. For what I've been hearing though, you haven't changed.

Go fuck yourself, Angelina.

11/5/18

“I get being the better person means to not just lash out. But it wouldn’t be justice to the 17 year old boy who in the end had to kill a part of himself in order to try and get better”

Dear Oliver,

Hi. It's yourself three, nearly four, years in the future. First off, I want to say I love you. You won't tell yourself that enough the next three years. I hate to say this but you are honestly just broken. It’s okay. You will not realize that for about a year or two. You are basically gonna treat your pain awfully for a while. It's the equivalent of putting a band aid over a bullet wound.

Let's look at the damage. You will break up with Alex. He will move on immediately to his now fiance and you will be left with trust issues and take a long time trying to repair yourself. In May 2015, you will get a girlfriend and dump her after five days. That girl was Iggy. You will also avoid her the rest of the school year and the entirety of your senior year. This is where your trust issues first showed up. When you're nineteen, you will regret your choices. That's a good thing. It shows you aren't a bad person. You will kill a part of yourself in order to heal. You will lose part of your hopeless romantic view. You will also learn to stop being a doormat, at least a little bit. You are going to be hurt and angry for years but won't really deal with it until you are twenty.

Before I talk about the good, let me talk about the constants in your life. You do still talk to two of your closest friends from high school, Denise and Jared. You will learn that not seeing them everyday didn't harm the friendship at all. Hold onto them for dear life. They are the main people who will keep you grounded especially when you are about to send yourself off into space. Music is another constant. You won't really listen to him until you are eighteen, but Natewantstobattle is an artist you will listen to constantly. You can thank Lena for introducing him to you. He's also your namesake. Yes, young Oliver, at twenty years old, you changed your name to Nate. I'll talk more of that later.

Now onto the good. First things first, if it's not obvious, you made to eighteen. You barely graduated high school and spent two years in a community college. In those two years, you gained some better friends and lost a toxic one. (Hint: the toxic friend was Angelina.) I am now in university as a psychology major. Before I started university, I decided I wanted a clean slate. Hence why my name is now Nate. I also dealt with my demons and got some closure. Iggy forgave me and that closed that case. As for Alex, I got you some justice. He apologized when I called him out a bit on the Internet. It was a crappy apology. While I do forgive him, I dealt my own revenge dish. I told him off and didn't absolve his sins. It was one of the last things holding me on to you. University threw me through some unexpected things. The main thing is the one friend I made. Her name’s [REDACTED]. I truly didn't expect to meet her and become friends with her. I also didn't expect to develop a crush on her. I'm not really expecting that to go anywhere. I am just enjoying my time. She has me believing in love again.

I'm proud of our journey in the past nearly four years. I am also glad to put you to rest. So farewell, my old self. May you rest well in the past and know it does get better.

So I never mentioned here, I changed my name to Nate. 

Okay so this episode got to me. I like how it showed transphobia and educating those who just plainly did not understand. Rollins explained it to Carisi perfectly. I’m also impressed how they displayed the suspect. The suspect was a 15 year old who has a future ahead of him, a kid who was a stand up citizen. What about the victim? The victim who fell off a bridge was the same age and all she was doing was taking photos. She died two days later in the hospital. Where’s her future? I was moved also by how upstanding the suspect was. Also I love how it does show a psychologist, I believe, who tried to derail the case. Yes, a teenager’s brain is not as developed as an adult’s. The thing is that an adult has committed hate crimes also. It’s not a matter of fear or insecurity or the fact he is a young boy. The fact of the matter is this boy willingly went up to this transgender girl and teased her. She was on him because he had her camera. Then he pushed her, which sent her off the bridge. I do believe the DA was right in charging the kid as an adult. It shows that it is not the transgender person’s fault for being assaulted and killed. Just because that person is not “cis-passing” doesn’t give anyone permission to target them. The kid deserved his punishment. This could have been all avoided if he had just left the girl alone. 

This is a great form representation the trans community. It was accurate and educational. It also shows how society is evolving, People are out there educating themselves and coming out. The first time SVU had a transgender youth plot, it was just relevant, not entirely a central focus, but a focus. It showed a trans teen, if I remember correctly, whose father did not accept her and her mother was trying, but still stumbling. The father decided to let his daughter be herself in the end and let her start estrogen. 

When Danny Phantom first came out, I fell in love with the show. My dad was in another state providing for the family and my mom worked all the time. I was six years old. Danny became a hero figure to me. I don’t know why, but he was just there. I frequently drew him when I was younger. Also for a second grade writing assignment, I wrote two fanfictions about him. I admired him and I wanted to be him. I also used to act like Danny whenever the show came on. For those twenty or so minutes, I was Danny Phantom. I was hanging with Sam and Tucker, while dealing with bullies and ghosts, and hiding my secret from my family. Due to moving from Florida to California, I missed a lot of episodes, mainly during the  second season, and there are still episodes I find I still haven’t watched. Also since I missed so much, I kinda lost interest in the show for a while until the last couple of episodes. When the show ended, I was happy and saddened, I was happy that Danny got his happy ending. I was just sad that I could no longer grow with him. 

I didn’t know it when I was six, but at fifteen I came out as transgender. I’m currently seventeen. I grew up with a lack of transgender role models to look up to and characters to love. I had discovered Adam Torres less than a year before he was killed off Degrassi.  This trans Danny headcanon brings the show to me in a whole new light. Seeing Danny as a transgender male gave me back a character I looked up. It gives me a whole new meaning to him and the show. Danny being transgender adds more symbolism to the show and gives me a chance to relate to Danny more than I did when I was six. This headcanon shows me that Danny’s ghost powers are a metaphor. At the beginning, Danny has no control over his powers, then at the end, he mastered or at least has a lot more of a handle on his powers. This can represent that in the beginning, Danny had just recently come out. He may still be trying to come to terms to it himself. The only people that fully accept him and try to understand are Sam and Tucker. His parents and Jazz are still iffy on Danny coming out, but they try. By the end, he has the full support of his family and is comfortable as himself.