craving for the thrill

“The fact that you’re smarter than them is a fact, not a brag,” she reminds Natalie. “They’ll have to be okay with that when they meet you. You’re smarter than most people I know, anyway. But, alright, we won’t necessarily say that,” she grins as Natalie recites what she’d like on her profile, and Emma bursts out laughing when her friend does. “Okay, wow, way too much,” she says. “I love you, and that was brilliant, of course, but that’ll attract fuckboys who pretend to be smart and literate to get into your pants,” she assures her. “Here,” she clears her throat and begins to type, narrating out loud. “Natalie. Call me Nat. I’m a writer looking for inspiration in different places. Just feeling things out right now. Don’t contact me for ONS.” She looks over at Natalie. “Anything else you deem important enough?”

“Yeah, you’d think that because we’re friends but if a stranger sees it, could be a turn off for them, you know.” She told Emma, knowing very every angle on how she can get rejected as if she was preparing for the worst already. Although, Nat gave her a sweet grin, appreciating her compliments. When she tried to express as if she was writing, Emma suddenly bursts out of laughter and she did so too, covering her face of embarrassment. “God, this is going to be so terrible for me.” She already assumed but still laughing at herself. “I’m smart, though, remember? I’d know how to turn them down if they just want in on some bed action.” She defended with confidence but Natalie knew herself that if she gets struck and blinded by charm, she loves hard. As Emma completed her profile, Natalie let out a sigh before shrugging. “I guess...that’s it. Time to swipe now, right? Do you think I’d find someone from the complex? That’d be weird...and awkward.”

“Okay, so I just left a basket of cupcakes on every single doorstep in the building as a sort of one person welcoming committee. Even though I’m new here too. And some people have lived here their whole lives. Is that weird?” Tori turned with a slight smile on her lips, holding a leftover basket that she would probably end up taking home with her.

When Natalie opened the door, she was surprised to see a stranger holding on to a basket of cupcakes and with her spiel, she had just revealed that she’s new in the complex. Pressing her lips together, Nat tried to offer the most welcoming smile. “Not weird at all. Sorry, I just woke up from my nap.” She apologize, wiping her eyes a little. “Did you say cupcakes? Those look delicious. What flavors do you have there? Oh...and welcome to the complex.”

Missy raised her eyebrows at the girl’s problem. “Honestly girl the answer to that issue is to get your own place,” she stated plainly, not having a lot of sympathy. “I honestly think that I’d lose my mind if I lived with my parents.”

“That’s the thing! I can’t afford my own place. My job is quite complicated and honestly, it kinda feels like I’m jobless already.” She hissed, feeling annoyed that she had to be reminded of that fact. “Trust me. I feel like I’ve already lost my mind that’s why I can’t come up with anything to write.”

“Mm, alright,” Emma says, hoping she sounds put-out, even though she’s only kidding. She continues to scroll through her pictures and picks out the ones she thinks Natalie looks best in — though she wasn’t kidding when she said Natalie looks great in every picture, she does, and it’s hard to choose — but when she finally thinks she found the balance between classy and smoking, she looks over at Natalie and raises an eyebrow. “Alright, Literary Genius,” she says. “What do you want these potential courters of your to know about you? You want them to know straight off the bat that you’re smarter than them, or you do want to be mysterious?” She waggles her fingers.

Natalie watched as Emma continued to scroll through her pictures, blushing a little when she would select a photo to add to her profile on the application. She thinks that was good? Hot? Pretty? Cute? Convincing? This was her best friend and sister like but to see someone think she’s beautiful on certain pictures was increasing her confidence. Once the pictures were selected, it was time to add flavor to the profile. “Mysterious? Maybe not. Smarter than them? I don’t want them to think I’m full of myself.” She laughed, running a hand through her hair as she thought of the proper words to describe herself as she would talk about a character in her stories. “A woman who wants to meet a guy that will...make me want to stay awake with the reality of him...rather than stay asleep to dream about who he could.” She said before smiling wide and turning to Emma. “Too much? Just say I’d like to try dating around.” She laughed out loud, settling with something more simple.

Jonah laughs at her reasoning, shakes his head in disagreement. “I might be a teacher, but you don’t automatically know I’m a teacher. Besides, I wouldn’t blame them,” he raises an eyebrow. “If I ever see a long single man staring at a group of children with nothing better to do, I’ll definitely think the worst first. And that might not be fair, but,” he shrugs. “Such is the world, yeah?” Jonah looks back at Natalie and offers her a small smile. “I’m lucky to have them,” he corrects. “It’s crazy, how much you can learn from a child going through things you can’t even begin to imagine. Things that are — unfair. Just unfair, things children shouldn’t have to go through, and yet,” he gestures lamely. “They persevere. And they smile when they’re in class. And if they can get through a day, why can’t we, right?” He tilts his head to the side. “If they can get through a day, I’m positive you can get through this slump.”

Natalie laughed back, taking a sip of her smoothie as she listened to Jonah speak. He has a really good point though, that the world can be very unpredictable. Even if someone is as charming as him was watching a bunch of children play, it would definitely look suspicious and as a parent, it’s only right that they keep their kid away from the guy. As he corrected her, Natalie didn’t expect him to talk about his students like that. He sounded really affected to what the kids go through everyday and that just shows how understanding he is, not just as their teacher but as a person. Smiling back, she nodded. “I guess you really have learned something from these kids.” Swallowing hard, she looked down a little, hoping she wasn’t going to overstep with her question. “What about you? It sounds like you’re...trying to get through a slump too. You...wanna talk about?”

The reckoned compliment received a small shrug from him and a quiet, “It’s okay, I guess.” He knew she was trying to be nice and he probably needed to learn how to better accept verbal compliments. It was much easier to do so over the internet where people could not see his actual face. “And I’ll look forward to read this mystery book of yours when it’s ready.” He admittedly wasn’t the most well-read person, but he would make sure to read this one.

Not that Natalie was asking for a proper response but Elias seemed like he was cutting the conversation after that compliment. After that, things got quiet again and Nat was debating in her head whether to just walk away or not. Smiling as he talked about her (hopefully) upcoming book, she was looking forward to getting it done as well. “I’ll make sure to let you know when I’m halfway done.” She smiled, getting up and clasping her hands gently. “Okay, I guess...I’m gonna go now. Catch you again here next time...or something.” She said, not wanting to push too much with Elias. It’s best to take things slowly with him since he’s not that open to anyone.

Emma gives Natalie a look. “Carrie whatever made you cry more times than I can count on one hand, and you’re too fucking nice for letting that go,” she reminds her, but isn’t the least bit surprised. Natalie’s always been the kinder one of the two, the more — sensitive one, she supposes is the word. But Emma’s always had to be the strong one, in any scenario, ever since her mom died, and, well, she’s taken to the role very well, hasn’t she? Natalie mentioning having pictures of her in the red dress on her phone breaks her out of her stupor, and she celebrates externally. “Yes,” she hisses, looking through Natalie’s camera roll and finding it. “You’re gonna get so many matches,” she promises. “You look classy but smoking, and isn’t that what everyone wants in a future wife?” she teases. “Men are so predictable,” she snorts, adding the picture to her profile and scrolling to see what else she could find.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe Natalie’s just too nice sometimes and that’s what hinders her from being real and writing authentically. But to her, kindness is important so whatever Carrie did to her back in school, she’s gotten over it. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that it hurt removing gum from her hair. But again, that was years ago and she’s just going to focus on the now. She laughed a little when Emma looked victorious that Nat has those pictures on her phone. She really hoped that using this app would help her find the inspiration and stories she wants to express on her book. When Emma mentioned the word wife, Nat laughed out loud and covered her face. “Okay, I’m not looking for anything that serious. I’ll go for one date...with the best guy we find and I’ll just see how it goes from there.” She shrugged her shoulders, hoping to get a good match.

Dylan won the battle and he felt smug about it, like he was proud of how he’d managed to get Nat to shut up. It wasn’t like this before. He’d hit someone for calling her a DUFF in the past. Now he didn’t care. It was a shame.

‘Oh, bite me, Nat.’ Dylan rolled his eyes at her protest about the end of the cigarette and turned around, leaning back on the rail so he could look at her. ‘Okay just you wait one day I’ll dress up as a clown and scare the living shit out of you.

‘But it’s nothing like Pennywise, so there’s no reason to connect the dots. It’s not like every teenage tragic love story is exactly like Romeo and Juliet, or The Fault in our Stars. You can have the same situation and have different types of characters in it.’

Dylan lit another cigarette and took a long drag.

The longer she stays out there, the more she was finding reasons to leave. Maybe this is why it was best that he and Emma broke up, to save her friend from going insane. But now that they still live together, Natalie feels like it’s her responsibility to get Emma out of that apartment. When she threatened to scare her one day, Natalie crossed her arms over her chase and gave him a look. “I can get you arrested for that, you know? You’d be jobless AND in jail.” She warned him, shaking her head as she was ready to walk away. Seeing him light another cigarette, Natalie figured he’d be staying there for a little while longer so she raised both hands in defeat. “I guess I should’ve stayed down and played monopoly with my parents than to be around you. Hope your lighter breaks.” She told him before walking away.

‘You mean people only stick around because they pity you? You’re the pity friend that makes everyone else feel good about themselves so they keep you around. Like the DUFF.’ It might have been a little mean, but he didn’t care. He’d keep going until Nat cried if he had to.

‘You say that to Stephen King and see what he says, yeah?’ Dylan finished his cigarette and threw the end of it over the building, putting two hands on the railing and leaning forwards. ‘Clowns are scary as fuck - I dare you to find anyone who says anything similar. You wouldn’t be happy if you woke up in the middle of the night and one was just there. Staring at you.’

And just like that, her luck ended that when he called her a DUFF, Natalie just let out a breath. The only thing she could do now is not let his words get to her head and of course, control her desire to throw Dylan off the edge. Thankfully, she’s nice enough not to do that. When he mentioned Stephen King, that’s when she looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Exactly. He’s done it before so why replicate the idea? Imagine, if bring a clown into a horror story, they’ll only remember Pennywise. Not the character you’re trying to build. Either that or just a clown killer wanna be. Not that scary for me.” She said, suddenly groaning when he threw the cigarette over the building. “Hey! Don’t be lazy. There’s a trash can over there. Throw your waste over there.” She told her, another thing that she hated about Dylan. “I’m not stupid enough not to lock my doors and windows that some clown would find access in my room in the middle of the night.”

‘Surprised your mother hasn’t done the same,’ he quips, taking a long drag on his cigarette. Dylan stands and walks over to the edge of the building, looking out at the city. Dylan’s never really had that parental figure in his life, considering he spent most of his life growing up in foster care after his parents decided they didn’t want to clean up their acts and raise their child. Whatever. He’s over it.

‘It’s not erotic novels.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘There’s nothing erotic about a damn clown going around and killing people.’ It was Dylan’s latest book, second only to his zombie novel Survival of the Fittest that he was currently editing. ‘The agents you gave me clearly aren’t used to receiving work from talent like me.’

“Well, unlike you Mr. Crawford, I take care of those who love me that’s why they don’t mind having me around.” She responded with a sarcastic bat of her eyes, hoping that would shut him up. As Dylan moved closer to the edge, Nat moved a little to the side to keep that distance between them. A little more if possible. When he spoke about what he’s writing, Natalie had to laugh. “Seriously? A clown? Who are you trying to scare? Five year olds? Oh, wait. You’re taking the phrase ‘act your age’ seriously?” She added, enjoying how she can roast him since Nat knew her luck in this game would be over soon. Clearly, he still has been unlucky with getting that first step into the public world and her kind heart felt bad for him a little but she’d rather be quiet about it. “Well, find another agent, I guess. Whatever works for you. I already helped you before.”

He glares at the comment. Brilliant. Often, Dylan forgets that Nat is best friends with Emma and he figures that has something to do with the sarcasm. He can’t stop himself from biting back.

‘Yeah I think so,’ he replies. ‘Sorry, mother,didn’t realise I’d need permission.’ Dylan’s over ten years older than Nat - he doesn’t need her making snide comments or he might just go and have a conversation with her parents and make up some bullshit about her smoking.

‘Pretty similar.’ There’s annoyance and bitterness in Dylan’s voice that he doesn’t bother hiding. Nat gets it - Nat knows what it’s like to struggle to get anything out. The only difference is, Nat’s managed to get her name out there. ‘About 30k in.’

“Oh, trust me, if I was your mother, you wouldn’t see me anymore.” She shot back at him, refusing to lose the game of sarcasm, even if she can be quite terrible with it. Again, she doesn’t care if he smokes, she just couldn’t find the joy in filling your lungs with smoke that could kill you in about ten years. Ever since the break up, she’s gotten pretty annoyed with Dylan’s existence but in the rule book of someone living in a complex, it’s best to just be civil with your neighbors than to be in an argument with them. She knew how much he’s been struggling. If she was already and she has an agent, it’s worse for Dylan who doesn’t. She’s tried helping him in the past but none of his work were just getting picked up. Pressing her lips, she nodded at him, keeping her eyes on the view. “Have you tried submitting it again to the agents we introduced you to before? Maybe they’ll bite this time. I mean, depends if you’re writing erotic novels.”

Dylan scoffs and gives a shrug. ‘Suit yourself.’ He finishes one cigarette and lights up another without hesitation. Since splitting up with Emma, he’s found himself smoking more and more.

It’s awkward, being around Nat, but he tries not to show it. She’s got the same interests as him… writing… only she has been more successful. Dylan’s jealous of that - not that he’ll ever admit it.

‘Been workin’ on new stuff?’ He asks, like he has to try and make conversation with Nat just because she’s up on the roof with him.

Nat didn’t care if anyone smokes around her. That’s their thing but she’d rather not take a puff of it and she’s glad that Emma’s avoiding it now too but if her roommate smokes this much, would she be able to keep avoiding it without Dylan’s influence? “Wow. Are you planning to finish one pack while you’re here?” She asked him sarcastically, turning his attention back to the view and just trying to mentally talk to nature for some breeze to calm her. Although she has that similarity with Dylan when it comes to writing, she tries not to be too friendly with him especially because she’s best friends with Emma. Dylan suddenly brought up that one thing they have in common and she hated that no one would understand her struggles as much as he would. “Trying. Nothing good’s just...coming out.” She said, hoping to end the conversation there but her curiosity hit her. “And you?”

“Everyone’s suspicious in my eyes, you know that,” he said, smirking a little. He didn’t want to worry her, and he didn’t really think the third floor kids were harmful… but one never knew. He didn’t trust secretive people, even though he was one. Maybe because he was one.

“You’re doing fine, Nats. There’s no shame in free rent while you can get it, and there’s none either in wanting your own freedom. Zel knows she can do whatever she wants as long as…” he said, raising an eyebow at the kid, waiting for her to finish.

“As long as I stay safe and don’t hurt anyone,” she finished. He smiled proudly and flicked her nose, which made her laugh and swat his hand away.

“I have a smart kid? Where?” he joked, looking around the apartment as Zelda squealed and tried to fight him. He covered her ears and said to Natalie “I know she’s smart, but don’t let her know I said that,” he smirked.

“Yeah, no sweets, she’s all hyped up now,” he laughed. “Go have fun. Be back for dinner. Text me where you’re at.”

Nodding, she knew his suspicion is just because he’s a great father. Reno just wanted to keep his daughter safe and Nat is just behind him on that. When the little girl finished her father’s sentence again, natalie couldn’t help but laugh and nod at them. “Wow. So in sync, it’s like you’re the exact younger and female version of your father.” Nat told Zelda before turning to Reno with an impressed smile. As they continued to be playful, Nat wondered if she’s still needed there just because they really have the perfect combination of how a relationship with a parent should feel like. “She’s smart enough to know you told me that.” She teased, rubbing Zelda’s back as she thought of where they can go. Remembering something, Natalie hoped Zelda would like where she’s taking her. “I do need to make a couple of last minute research in the bookstore down town. So...yeah, I can bring her there later.” She said, turning to Zelda. “And maybe...you can get a hint of what I’m writing.” She teased, hoping this trip to the bookstore would be helpful for her and Zelda.

‘Then you just need to move out of your parents’ place, right?’ Dylan raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t expected anybody else to be up on the rooftop, a sanctuary he had found to smoke alone accidentally. He took a drag on his cigarette and looked at the girl. ‘You looking to rebel?’

He didn’t care whether he got this woman into trouble or not and clearly she was looking for something to do independently, so he handed her his packet of cigarettes, offering. ‘Here. Take one.’

Natalie jumped at the sight of Dylan at the rooftop. She just trashed another 10 paged writing when her parents distracted her focus from continuing with the plot she’s started with. Needing to vent, she suddenly felt like she had no choice so she opened it up with Dylan, that one person she hoped she could escape from in the complex, simply because of Emma. His suggestion just made her roll her eyes but hearing his offer, her eyes went wide. “Oh, no thank you. I’m fine with my safe lungs.” She told him, feeling the weather a lot better up there so she decided to stay. As he handed a pack, Natalie shook her hand at him. “I’m good, I swear. I’d rather not. The view’s helpful enough.”

“For inspiration,” she nods reassuringly, still frowning at the screen. “Although, you know, if it gets to be serious and you fall in love and get married and ask me to be your maid of honor, well?” she shrugs. “Shit happens, you know?” She winks at her, then, before going back to the phone. “Hot because you’re hot, dork, accept the fact. Own it.” She blinks up at Natalie when she suggests using her headshot for one of the pictures, and Emma frowns. “Okay, I have to make sure here,” she holds up a hand as if to pause the entire endeavor with the single gesture. “What are you looking for if we do set this up? Something long-term? ‘Cause if so, I fucking guess your headshot could work, but you might get matched with really boring guys. We could do, you know, classy inspirational pics, and then just add, like, one of two of you in that — oh, that dress you wore that one time, to that bitch’s wedding, fuck, what was her name,” she mutters. “Who cares, the red dress?”

Of course, there’s that little hopeless romantic soul in her that hopes this could luckily turn out to be something serious. But she’s heard enough about Tinder to know that there’s a 98% chance of you matching with someone who just wants to get a release from you. Still, she was a little hopeful. Suddenly, Emma stops her from turning Tinder into a job hunting site. She was quiet, listening to her and realizing she’s correct. Most likely, she’ll get matched with someone so boring that the inspiration she’s looking for will be hopeless. Nat had to laugh when Emma talked about the wedding from early this year. “Carrie. Carrie Lyndon. She’s not a bitch. She was just mean back in high school and learned her ways.” Nat tried to defend, as always. “Yeah, I have pictures of that in my phone.” She told her, knowing Emma liked it because she’s the one who picked the dress for her over the floral one.

Jonah follows Natalie where she leads, a little bummed to be back out in the heat, but it’s less terrible now that he has somewhere to go, he supposes. He watches as the kids play around, smiles a little to himself, that longing in his heart once again. Knowing he might not be able to get one of his own for a while. It’s always in the back of his mind.

He sits in the swing beside Natalie, raising an eyebrow. “Well, you’re probably less suspicious here than I’d be on my own,” he shivers. “Can’t imagine how many angry parents would ask what a grown man was doing watching children pay in the middle of the afternoon alone.” He smiles slightly, glancing back at the children. “Yeah, they seem happy, don’t they?” he shrugs. “Some of my kids have home problems. I try to make their day better at school, ‘cause I know that’s their only escape.” He looks back at her. “If you ever need inspiration, you’re always welcome to come watch my class, you know.”

Her eyes squinted once they were back out in the head, fanning her face with her hand a little before finding a good spot. Thankfully, she has her towel with her so she can keep wiping her face with it. Turning to Jonah, he was smiling at the kids and she figured he felt home there. Giggling at his assumptions, Nat shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t think he looked creepy. Well, of course, she sees him differently but if her eyes were of a regular passerby and sees Jonah out there, she wouldn’t think he’s creepy at all. He has somehow mastered this look that screams I’ll take care of your kids rather than I’ll take them somewhere you can’t find them. “You’re a teacher. I’m sure no one would be suspicious of you.” She shared with a laugh. Seeing the kids laugh and play, her heart felt warm, just enjoying the image of these kids ignoring the problems the world will give them in a couple of years. Jonah suddenly started sharing and she had to turn her attention to him. Natalie didn’t know his kids were struggling that way and she felt terrible. “I’m sure you’re a big help to them. Just by being there and helping them learn and have fun...they’re lucky to have you as their teacher.” She smiled at his offer, nodding and hoping she could try that one. “I’ll let you know when I need it. Thanks.”

“Okay,” Emma huffs a laugh. “I think it’s time we stop referring to my vagina as the lady. The vibe’s starting to get fucking weird in here.” She shrugs, however, feeling Natalie at least deserves an counter to her suggestion. “It’s been years since I’ve slept with anyone other than Dylan,” she admits. “But I doubt that’s made me bad with women. Not that I ever was,” she smirks. “Girls know what girls want, Nat.” She continues to scroll through Natalie’s photos, rolling her eyes at her comment. “I think the problem’s gonna be narrowing them down,” she points out. “You look hot in any picture you take, ever. Here,” she holds up the phone and quickly snaps a shot of Natalie to prove her point, then turns it around. “See? Even in a blurry candid you look perfect, fuck off.”

“Oh, I’ll gladly stop talking about your vagina. Thank you.” She said, raising both hands as she giggled. Natalie was surprised when she suddenly mentioned Dylan’s name and that made her smile. She was being mature about the situation but Nat was more focused on the fact that she might prefer to be with a woman for now after being tired of boys’ shit for a while. “Okay, then we’ll find you a nice hot girl as you would find me a decent man. For inspiration, of course.” She added, still trying to put her career first. Once the right man comes, she’s sure that her hopeless romantic wouldn’t say the same thing. Nodding, she listened carefully on her game plan with Tinder. Suddenly, Emma pointed the camera to her face and snapped a photo of her. Natalie rolled her eyes and chuckled, looking at the photo. “Hot because it’s blurred. What if we just use my head shot from my agent? I mean, that screams professional, right? You think...guys would bite?”