ostende mihi tuum et ostendam tibi meum

it hurts and it hurts and it stings

i swear im over it and maybe im too harsh on myself and maybe i am one of them but just can’t see it but i am so jealous of guys whose femininity emphasizes their masculinity

boss sat me down and was like what’s wrong. youve been more quiet and tense and prickly and aggressive than usual, what’s going on? and i have been. just simmering. vacillating between searing heat and ice cold. i dont know if it’s me that’s been drifting, or my friends, or if ive been sensing something about to change like a breaking bridge and bracing myself for it, or if it’s a reaction to the limits of people’s understanding of me and my inner world. but last week me and a friend hung out and i said 5 words in the 4 hours they were at my house. i was bored at the goth club for my birthday, half dancing to the smiths (the smiths, really?) 3 drinks and 2 shots of whiskey burning down, smoking weed in the alley with my skull against the brick, looking at him with polish on his nails and shadow on his eyes and wishing we were alone and wishing it would be okay and safe and good for us if he pushed me against the wall and kissed my neck, then maybe, just maybe i would feel something instead of cold allover, like my body is a veil that separates me from everyone, and how silly it is to feel like this at 22, but it’s not that i believe no one can understand me, personally, it’s that through repeated attempts of making and deepening connections with people, i’ve lost faith in the possibility of truly understanding someone and being understood in return, and if it’s not possible, rather than just myself being cynical, then what’s the point of any of this if we’re all just reaching for each other but can never really touch. if i’m just reaching for him but can never really touch. us sharing a bed, waking up in the middle of the night with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me, him rolling over and me moving to follow but being pushed away. so cold my skin would crack like a punched mirror and red ice. everyone around me under eyes like daggers waiting to fall. the pain is so far away. i didn’t realize how far it had metastasized. and how strange that someone so far could notice and see it so clearly.