ostende mihi tuum et ostendam tibi meum

all my friends being avoidant is the most taxing thing fucking ever. like i love you all you make me want to tear my hair out and bash my brains against a wall

i can’t stop thinking about sex

laying on his back while he plays waco, texas and the waves from the lake lap at the shore and the water glitters in the way it only does in the summer and everything aches

the golden sun the coming storm the raging sea. thunder and fire and light on clear water. i am i am i am. july rising like leviathan. corvus corax. a wild horse like water. i will meet the person ive been waiting for. 22. 22. 22.

my birthday is tomorrow and everyone is small in comparison. my house, my friends, my family, my job, all of it is dwarfed. by twenty-two. it feels mythic. sun in cancer, moon in aries, just where it was when i was born. i’ll be sitting on the edge of my natal waters and when i dive in, i will come up a different person. not different, true. i feel it already. like my skin is stone. buzzing with static. my gaze like iron. immovable. unshakable. a force, driving forward. something pulling me like a beacon. i won’t wait up, i won’t shrink, i won’t miss it. i’m leaving. i’m moving. nothing is stopping me.

wait maybr everything feels like shit because i havent had any time to myself to do anything for myself in months probably and thats why i suddenly hate all my friends and family and want them all to die or leave me alone

stupid stupid stupid fucking car. i had so many daytrips planned for this summer. i was gonna take my friends to monterey, to big sur and go swimming, take myself to sutter buttes, tuolumne city. have enough money saved to go visit family in north carolina and go to asheville and richmond. this summer was supposed to be so good, now im just stuck in this garbage dump of a city relying on my friends to get around. im going stir crazy ive got cabin fever i feel like a teenager again im going insane