let 👏🏻 nancy 👏🏻 fuck

Tits too big, ass too fat, dear sweet Charlotte, please come back

i'm sure nancy and ned were trying to be nice but if my guardian just died and i had to go leave college to deal with his estate, some random dude in one of my classes sending his girlfriend who i have never met to my house would not be a pick me up. honestly can't think of something i would like to deal with less in that moment than having to entertain some rando at my house that is to say nothing of her then embarking on a quest to collect all of my dead great uncle's glass eyes. like what the fuck. i'd be looking for a hidden camera bc surely that could not be real

2016: netflix picks up 12 episodes of an original drama intended to serve as a comeback vehicle for rick arlen. mattie starts an embarrassing grassroots twitter campaign to be cast as his love interest under the unwieldy hashtag #roryandserenareunion. the role goes to zoe saldana, meaning mattie’s most high profile role of 2016 will be as a dead woman on an episode of csi: cyber.

2017: in order to market her upcoming autobiography, serena and me, mattie leaves effusive reviews on the book’s amazon page under false names. the scam is quickly discovered. #mattieisoverparty trends worldwide on twitter. mattie deletes her social media accounts.

2018: for the first time in years, a noteworthy fashion house deigns to dress mattie for an event, as disgraced designer minette takes whatever work she can get. triumphant, mattie dons her rabbit mask, feather boa, fuzzy bra and moon boots and strides onto the red carpet at the 2018 golden globes, where she discovers she has tragically miscalculated an important cultural moment. looks like another year of getting roasted on twitter for mattie.

2019: when mattie accepted a role in that little prestige indie horror flick about witches back in 2015, she was sure her fortunes were changing. the part wasn’t huge, but she got to play against type (a sensitive character with albinism!), and she felt good about the performance. finally, this vehicle would return her to success. and then… it didn’t come out. it got delayed. and delayed. and delayed. no one could really say why. there were whispers about re-editing, recasting, a falling out between the director and the studio, but no one knew for sure. and now it’s 2019, and it’s been years, and there have been articles about the infamously missing movie, countless new release dates. ‘spring 2019′ they say now, but they’ve made promises before. dutifully, mattie calls her friend, aunt eloise, on the phone once a week. she has a vodka, then two, then four, and drones on about her life and its regrets. the many failed relationships with rick, with dwayne, with brady. the fly-by-night tummy tuck she shouldn’t have gotten on the cheap. how the media is tirelessly working to ruin her career. but always, at the end, she tells eloise, there’s the witch movie. it’s coming out this spring. and then everyone will see it, and they’ll remember she can act, and they’ll love her again. and eloise knows this is not true. the witch film will never see the light of day. but she doesn’t have the heart to tell this to her sloppy, ruined friend. so she just says, ‘okay.’

2020: against all odds, the witch film is released, but only after extensive struggles with finding distribution. the movie does a limited run in a handful of theatres outside major markets in order to fulfill the studio’s contractual obligations, then quietly closes. mattie’s role is virtually ignored by critics. one night, shortly after the film closes, mattie has a dream. she’s in salem, dressed as her character from the film. she’s trapped in the city hall. the protestors outside are screaming, banging at the windows, and she knows they’re mad at her. she runs around the hall, searching for help, but everyone she finds has the faces of her co-workers from her forgotten soap opera, light of our love. this one looks like her producer, william pappas. that one looks like her ex-boyfriend, rick arlen, before he got all the stuff done to his face. another looks like dwayne powers, and she briefly wonders if maybe her mother was right, and she should have just settled. the dream ends as the protestors crash through the glass and swarm her like the undead, dragging her to the ground. as she awakens with a start, she almost wishes she’d had this dream during production. it would be good inspiration for the character. sometimes, it feels like the whole world is against you. mattie shakes off the nightmare and exits the front door of her brownstone. the property value is still high, but the townhouse has seen better days. it’s dingy, crumbling. as she sits on her front stoop having a smoke, a woman walks by. mattie briefly thinks it’s lillian weiss, the director from light of our love. she goes over to say hello to the passerby, who reacts with polite confusion. it’s not lillian. it’s just a woman with brown hair.

• april 2020: loneliness gets the better of a wine-soaked mattie, who sends long-estranged boyfriend rick arlen a ‘quarantine and chill? 😜’ message. as a reward for her boldness, she gets a receipt that says ‘read: 11:36 pm.’

• 2021: news spreads online that mattie jensen has died while attempting an experimental ivermectin treatment for covid-19. it takes two whole days before tmz grudgingly admits that mattie is still alive, in small print, at the very bottom of their homepage. the culprit? lillian weiss, who’s going through some empty nester stuff and remembered, suddenly, how much she hates mattie’s guts.

• 2022: not many people had “mattie jensen, crypto ambassador” on their 2022 bingo cards, but her 24-year-old entrepreneur fiancé matty (their names match and mattie is really into it) asks her to convert her life savings to ethereum and let him triple it. he has brown eyes and a six pack so she says yes. mattie makes cheerful posts on twitter using the monkey avatar matty bought her and the little bit of crypto slang he’s taught her. sitting in bed next to her on his laptop, matty seals mattie’s financial fate.

• january 2023: the lawyer has told mattie to wear something conservative for the trial, but the stupid lawyer also said that there were no regulations on crypto, and there was no way this case would go to trial, and what even is a “rug pull” anyways? how is it fraud if you just send out a couple of tweets to boost the price of a coin before you sell it? elon does it all the time. so mattie’s gonna wear something flashy and expensive, because she earned that money fair and square, dammit. she’s gonna get her eyes done again too.

• november 2023: prison isn’t as bad as they said it would be. honestly, mattie has made a lot of friends: the reality star who got convicted for fraud; the entrepreneur who lied about her medical technology, putting lives at risk. it’s a community, a circle of women that uplifts one another through their collective darkest time. still, though, she misses matty, and she thinks it’s unfair that the court labelled them ‘co-conspirators’ and banned them from ever contacting one another again. she’s out of jail in a few months, and she wonders if he’d take one call from her, just one. if not, hey… there’s always rick.

• 2024: when mattie signed on for a career-revitalizing role in the prague-set jewelry heist thriller set to tape in the last week of the year, neither she nor production knew that her recent prison stint would see her turned away from the border by customs. now, with the czech government refusing to take her in, the u.s. government refusing to take her back (per the direction of incoming secretary of defense dwayne powers, selected from a rolodex of the president re-elect’s dearest confidants), and a desperately needed payday slipping between her fingers, it looks like a new year’s eve of cold airport food and regret for mattie. better luck next year, queen!

• 2025: mattie regains access to the continental u.s., but that’s where the year peaks for our queen. the brownstone is in disrepair and mattie is strapped for cash. having heard that brady armstrong successfully reinvigorated his flagging career making podcasts about mma (the gay rumours persist), mattie hurls herself into content creation and guilts her teenage niece into taking over her social media presence. mattie begins engagement-farming on tiktok, releasing pandering videos in which she does trendy dances dressed as a labubu. she becomes notorious for taking any conceivable sponsored content deal, and by the end of the year, her output has degenerated into a mix of paid political propaganda, ads for shady dietary supplements, and unconvincing demonstrations of EMF shields.