i have nothing more to give you because i gave you everything that i had all i received was lies, betrayal and constant gaslighting of assurance that things were okay when you were talking to someone else behind my back. you said that it was just a friend. yes, for now. god knows where it could've ended if i didn't find out but at some point, i wished i didn't find out. at least i could've lived in my own little denial bubble of thinking that you loved only me. no matter what you say, about not having feelings. lines and boundaries were crossed. you jeapordised our marriage over someone that you do not have feelings for and you do not understand why am i stuck.

why am i stuck?

because the time when i thought i was being understanding to let you grieve your own way, you talked to another girl. the time when i was in pain going through miscarriage, you were in front of your laptop. the time when i was crying to mama about not being able to connect with you, you had the time of your fucking life with another girl. i was a joke - to you, to her and to your damn circle. the time when i thought you were busy at work, you were playing work wife/husband games with her at the mall that we used to go. so tell me, how do i get out of this limbo? how do i forget the disrespect? how do i forget the betrayal?

if there was a button that i could click to make me forget about this whole god damned thing, i would've clicked it. i would've clicked it a million times, even it means forgetting you in its entirety. it hurts, it fucking hurts. it's not something that i want to be stuck with. it stuck with me because of you. i did not ask to be in this pain.

do i think things will go back to normal? i do not know. it's not something that i can see for the time being but does that mean i am giving up either? no it doesn't. and the sad part of all these, despite of the shit i go thru, i still want to be with you.

how is it fair that you screwed up but i am suffering?

how is it fair that you fucked up but i am the one that 's losing sleep?

don't blame me if i get curious about your plans, your phones and everything that you do because there was a time when i trusted you but you decided to fuck it up.

i tried to be as graceful as possible in dealing with this but i figured, i was patient with you. i was patient with you even at the times when you least deserved it so screw it, i will feel whatever i want to feel. i will react however i deserve to react.

i am tired, sayang. i am tired of feeling hurt, feeling scared, feeling sad. i am tired of all these negative feelings. please do not tell me of how i should feel because if i had the choice, i wouldn't want to feel like this.

i penat rasa like i am not a good enough mother.

i penat rasa like i am not a good enough wife.

kalau you rasa penat to deal with my feelings, i tak nak paksa you to stay.

I vividly remember the feeling from the dream—the same feeling I had that night: as if my heart was being ripped from my ribcage. It was the same damn feeling. The moment I woke up, I couldn't breathe, and my anxiety was through the roof.

It was the first time you woke up with me. Usually, I just sit by the bed, look at your face, and wonder, 'What did I do to deserve such pain?' But last night was different. The sounds of my anxiety attack woke you. You hugged me for the longest time, and all I could feel at that point was anger.