Nameless Writer's Blog

I sometimes feel like a puppet locked in a box,strings torn and tangled. Left in an empty chest waiting for my next performance. Being controlled by the dark looming presents that is the puppeteer.I feel fragile and hollow. I am numb to the outside. I feel like I am not in control, a puppet unable to use its own strings. I fight with myself as a puppet and puppeteer. I try to run but I fall into a maze of mirrors. It's all me or a version of me  telling me I am not loved, I am awful and picking myself apart, ripping out every piece of me. The voices of anxiety and negativity get too loud, I try to scream and hide but can't. It's all in my head. I am back laying on  the bottom of the locked chest once again, unable to move. Locked up until my next performance. 

I feel small and insignificant.  It hurts knowing I won't be missed like I'm tossed aside. Knowing the cycle doesn't make me feel any less crushed. I can't keep fighting to hold back the tears to make you feel better. I know it's for the best but my emotions don't think the same.I am left out once again. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to crawl into a hole but I'm putting a brave face on because I don't want you to know that I'm hurting.

I don't know what little things you do that make me fall deeper in love with you yet but i sometimes stop to think of the little things i do that will  make you swoon one day, what i do everyday but catches your eye every time . One day I will love the things you don't notice about yourself but until the day we meet my love.  My forever.

I am yearning for more. I can't help it. What should I do? How can I keep going? I cant even leave my bed let alone my room. I feel helpless. I don't know if anyone else has tried shifting into a different reality but I have it. I didn't feel lost and broken like that was my last straw. I just wanted to be special and special to someone. Which currently feels more unrealistic than shifting into a derided reality I made a script for at 11 at night. I feel like i'm stuck in a place i don't belong and i dont have the energy anymore. I don't feel anymore. I just want to seep into my bed and stay here until…. I'm not sure what but something. I can't respond to texts. I can't watch the shows I usually do when I feel down. I am the happy friend but at what cost. I try to make other people happy but I can't for myself. I think that's why I cling onto fictional characters no matter what they won't know me. They don't expect anything from me. They aren't real. I don't have to be anything for them. It's getting hard to accept. Accept that this is my life. I hate that I become this. I don't want to but I can't . This cycle feels never ending and I'm not sure what I thought trying to escape into a dream reality would help, especially knowing if I did I would ultimately have to wake up and come back . Making my ideal relationship from a fictional tv character to waking up and seeing  tinder matches that i feel nothing for they don't care. If I did shift I would miss them too much and the pain of knIowing that reality version of myself is living my dream life hurts. And I feel like I'm in purgatory between reality and clinging onto my childish hopes.  A purgatory between living and surviving. A life where nothing magical or amazing  happens in real life. I'm expected to work till I die to keep a roof over my head and that's it.Not much of a life Sorry if this is all over the place i dont have the energy to revise. If anyone is reading this thank you and  I will be ok  like usual. Brave face and I will get up from this bed and be happy again even if it doesn't feel like it right now..  I just do not want to accept this is it.  Not yet. 

I miss doing what I love. I miss feeling like myself. How can I do the things I love and have money? Having hobbies and passions don't mix in today's world. I miss having dreams and being able to breathe without worry. I miss the ignorance of being young. Thinking my life would be full of non stop excitement. I'm still holding on to the smallest chance I get sucked into a fantasy realm where I'm needed to save the worlds and fall in love with the brooding ass of a prince that only has a soft spot for me type shit. Where I'm special, where I'm the only person who can help. Where I don't have to worry about all the shitty people in my day to day life working part time in retail. I keep writing stories and thinking before I go to bed how one day I could possibly have something amazing happen to me. I find a sword in a rock only I can pull out, I'm from a long line of magic people that are from a far far away place, stuff like that . I know it sounds impossible but deep down I can't let go of the hope that maybe just maybe .... I feel like if I do let it go and that feeling goes away I will have nothing . It seems stupid I cant help it . Am I alone on this? - 6.2.22