no piece of teen media has ever accurately depicted the quiet psychological warfare of bullying. bullies on TV are always dumb brutes and not the evil geniuses of emotional manipulation that they are in real life. being given a wedgie and having your lunch money stolen is nothing in comparison to a classmate quietly creating a taboo against speaking to you that they intend to enforce against all the other kids. it’s nothing like continuous cutting comments from people you thought were being nice to you. that way that the work of one kid can make you feel like every person on earth silently hates you and that you are dirty, disgusting, worthless, creepy and useless. that you can have friends but many of them will not speak to you at school for fear of the social consequences on their end. how that damage lasts in any social setting for the rest of your life
you can’t even “tell a trusted adult” because you cannot begin to articulate the thousands of small transgressions you’ve experienced building to the horror of knowing your peers would like you dead. they don’t have to say it or hurt you physically. they have other ways of letting you know they’d prefer if you were worm food
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I mean it’s kinda the real life tragedy of love exaggerated, innit? Irl people die young or one person dies old and another person dies even older. At the end of it all someone gets left behind and has to learn how to move on after that. And for the one who dies you know you’re leaving them behind. You know you’re dooming them to moving on and if you believe in an afterlife god only knows how long you’ll be waiting for them on the other side. The tragedy of the immortal loving the mortal takes those feelings we all know about and rips your heart out about it.
Thinking about this little nagiiba au I have that I tried to write out a while back....
Essentially, it's a non-idol au where Nagisa and Ibara both attend the same private high school, but Ibara's a new transfer student and generally keeps to himself. But they connect through music, Nagisa who is classically trained in the violin and Ibara who picked up the guitar because one of the few nice older kids at the orphanage would play it for him from time to time. Even if Ibara has already garnered a bit of a negative reputation for having an improper upbringing and generally being rude, Nagisa enjoys the time they spend together and ignores any advising to avoid Ibara.
Over the course of the school year, they have fun, hanging out like regular teenagers do (arcade "dates," going to festivals together, unintentional sleepovers while the parental figures are away), trying to avoid the impending doom of college exams and the like... Because of the time he spent playing music with Ibara, Nagisa's gained a reignited passion for music and seeks to go to music school. Meanwhile, Ibara is being railroaded into business school.
When fall turns to winter, that's when they really start to realize the feelings they have for each other- Ibara in a quick abrupt "oh no oh no" gay panic way and Nagisa in the "I'm not sure how to express the way being around him makes me feel, but it's not a bad feeling" way. And they confess to each other on a snowy winter day before winter break!
They start going on proper dates, and Ibara even gains the courage to be the one to say "I love you" first. Of course, the impending doom of college isn't the impending doom for no reason. Nagisa applied to a number of music schools, including international ones. And now that it's spring, he's heard back from them, having been accepted by a music school in Europe. When Nagisa tells Ibara about it, he's so happy for him! Wow! That's so impressive Nagisa-san! Wait it's in Europe...? Ibara will spend the night looking up statistics about how likely long distance relationships are to succeed, which spirals into "how many 'first love' relationships succeed" and worrying about if Nagisa will find someone better and more in-line with the life he wants to live while at school. At the same time, Nagisa can tell that despite Ibara acting 100% on board with things, something seems off although he can't quite tell what.
It's just before graduation when Nagisa finally winds up confronting Ibara about what he's not telling him. If he's so bothered about something, he should say it, after all. But Ibara, running on "I can't get hurt by him finding someone better if we're simply not in a relationship" logic, fumbles his way through a break up and running away before Nagisa can get a chance to respond. A very bitter ending to Nagisa's high school life, although he doesn't have much time to spend dwelling on it with finals, graduation, and preparing to leave the country. Well, he'll dwell on it in his spare time considering he's tried texting and calling Ibara multiple times to no response (eventually getting a response in a "I think you have the wrong number, sir" way).
But fast forward a decade and Nagisa's become a celebrated violinist, performing concerts around the world. And he's currently about to perform in a Tokyo concert hall when he sees a rather familiar face taking his seat in the audience..... He honestly never thought he'd see Ibara again, and yet there Ibara is, watching him play.... Once the show ends, Nagisa is almost in a rush to have someone get Ibara and let him into the greenroom- he doesn't want Ibara to slip away again (even more than he thought he would have after all the emotions he had felt regarding their break up).
The conversation once they're alone together is awkward and a bit tense- Ibara hadn't been expecting Nagisa to notice him in the audience, let alone want to talk to him afterwards. They catch up a bit, Ibara now being the manager and president over multiple companies that were left behind to him as well as new companies he had formed after completing business school.
It's impossible to avoid the elephant in the room, though, and it's not long before Nagisa expresses the feelings he hadn't been able to share with Ibara since that day and Ibara explains his own side of things. Although Nagisa does understand Ibara and the stupid teenagerness of it all bit better now, he still needs Ibara to make things up to him if he ever wants full forgiveness...... by being his friend and actually communicating the next time things like that happen. They aren't immediately going to go back to being a couple, that sort of thing takes time and they certainly aren't the same people they were ten years prior but... it wouldn't hurt to try a little.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Hiyori: “Thank you for coming to our, Eden’s, independent live today! It sure is a blessing to be able to celebrate the album release together!
We’ve loaded our love into the songs to be delivered to you. Receive them without leaving out a single one, okay……♪”
Jun: “The first song we performed was KEEP OUT.
How was this song that was specifically written for the album?”
Nagisa: “…… I’m glad that you seem to like it. KEEP OUT means ‘no trespassing’.
…… We’re going to break into everyone’s hearts. Into the shining paradise, like a lurking viper.”
Ibara: “And then we will slowly and carefully pour poison into you, and show you sweet dreams.
So that tonight’s stage may become an unforgettable memory……♪”
Jun: “Afterwards, we’ll perform two songs; one after the other~ That first song is—”
Nagisa and Ibara: “…… Melting Rouge Soul.”
MC 2
Ibara: “Melting Rouge Soul from Adam, and Ruby Love from Eve have been performed.
Both of these were songs unveiled at Chocolat Fes— during Valentine’s season.
Nagisa: “…… Yeah. At that time, the fact that both Adam and Eve were releasing new songs at the same time became a hot topic.
…… The cheering during the moment Ibara and I said “Melting Rouge Soul” felt really good.”
Ibara: “Fufu. I’m sure there are a lot of people who did not expect it because it’s called Eden’s independent live.
I told you, didn't I? That I’ll show you sweet dreams……♪”
Hiyori: “Adam’s fans, Eve’s fans, as well as Eden’s fans—
Today we will satisfy every single person who loves us.
You’re prohibited from looking away! Keep your eyes on us till the very end♪
Jun-kun, you can’t blink either!”
Jun: “Eeh, please let me blink~ My eyes will get dry.
Oh, seems like they got everything ready while we were talking. The next song will be a solo song.
Ibara Saegusa’s— Salute Desire.”
MC 3
Ibara: “— That was Salute Desire
Oops. Thank you for the warm applause.
Though I endeavored to give a more perfect performance than usual—
During a solo song, everyone’s gazes are concentrated on me from every possible angle, so my mind could not even be inattentive for even a single moment.
Above all else, I’m glad that you were satisfied♪
Now, let me briefly introduce myself.
I am Eden’s Ibara Saegusa. Salute~☆
As you see, alongside my idol activities, I’m also serving concurrently as the producer of Eden and the vice president of the agency.
I’m very happy to be able to deliver the new song as well as the accompanying event to everyone.
I will continue to work energetically, so I ask you to please continue to treat Eden and Cosmic Production well☆
The next song will be brought to you by the four members of Eden.
Let us show you our way of life— Paradise Banishment -Faith Conquest-”
MC 4
Nagisa: “…… We’ve performed Paradise Banishement -Faith Conquest-.
…… It was first unveiled during Conquest wasn’t it. It’s a song containing Eden’s faith.
…… Hiyori-kun doesn’t really like it, I wonder?”
Hiyori: “No. I like the song itself. It’s a song that’s just like Eden.
But I’ve had enough of Conquest! Even if it’s a farce, I don’t want to act like we’re fighting and hating each other.
We’re aaaalways been the best united, mutually loving, unit—
I’m sure the fans don’t want to see us like that too.”
Nagisa: “…… I agree. The loud cheers that could shake the whole venue is the greatest proof of that.
…… Let’s keep getting along, Hiyori-kun.
…… As an ‘equal friend.’”
Hiyori: “Yes. ‘Equal’……♪
-Now now, next would be something everyone has been waiting for, my solo song!
Accept My Love— accept my love……!”(1)
TL Note:
He translates “Accept My Love” into Japanese here.
MC 5
Hiyori: “Thank you for listening to Accept My Love!
Yes yes. You’re smiling so much, I’m happy too☆
I’ll follow Ibara’s example and introduce myself. I am Eden’s Hiyori Tomoe!
Life isn’t all about fun. There’s times where you feel depressed and like you want to cry.
When that happens, it’s good to look at me. Because I’m the one who shines bright like the sun☆
Listen to my songs, and follow the productions I appear in—
Just imitate me and smile! Since I always have a smile on my face!
If you smile, the people around you will also smile. It’s a happiness chain reaction. What fine weather……☆
Now! Let’s move on to the next song, shall we?
All four of us will perform it, so please give us all of your support.
Eden’s— EXCEED.”
MC 6
Jun: “I’ve just performed EXCEED. This song is—”
Ibara: “Isn’t this a song with a shady history for you, Jun?”
Jun: “Wait a sec. Could you please stop saying misleading things~?
It’s not like it’s got a shady history or anything, umm……
When we released this song, I had lost my confidence and kept makin’ mistakes.
But then, Ibara went out of character and comforted me by saying,’Why do you lose confidence when there are people who view you so favorably?’……”
Ibara: “‘Out of character’ is superfluous.”
Jun: “Haha. I won’t be able to be the same as Ohiisan, Nagi-senpai, or Ibara, but to that extent—
No. That’s why, as Jun Sazanami, I’ll continue to put in the effort as myself.
Eden is where I belong, y’know~
Haha, thank you for all the applause. Sorry if I sounded like I was urging y’all to do something.”
Ibara: (Whispering) …… Honestly, Jun really was an idiot during that time.
There are so many people who love you.
Jun: “Hm? I couldn’t hear it over the applause, but you said something, right?”
Ibara: “No, it’s nothing. Please continue talking about yourself after you finish singing.
Now then, please listen. Jun Sazanami’s— Unlock the Soul.”
MC 7
Jun: “Hello, everyone. It’s Eden’s Jun Sazanami.
How was Unlock the Soul?
The lyrics were good, weren’t they~. When I sing them, I get excited.
Speaking of lyrics, apparently Ibara wrote the lyrics to the song I just sang, EXCEED, for me.
Wha~t? People might think I sound conceited when I say that.
But Nagi-senpai said it was to help me get over my slump or something. There’s no doubting it~
Well. That Ibara, he can be really kind sometimes~♪
Haha. Ibara’s looking at me from the side of the stage with a face like he just swallowed a bitter bug.
I shouldn’t get carried away, or I’ll probably get scolded later~
Now that I’ve told a story just for this special occasion, let’s get to the next song.
Eden’s— Absolute Perfection.”
MC 8
Nagisa: “…… Absolute Perfection. This is the first song we performed at Absolute.
…… I am God♪
…… Ibara, please look. Everyone’s rejoicing.”
Ibara: “It seems so. Unlike Absolute’s stage, this is a country where countless gods rule.”
Nagisa: “…… That’s not the only reason.
…… There are many people here who love us. They weren’t present at Absolute either.”
Ibara: “Indeed. The presence of fans is an idol’s strength—their powerful weapon.
However. It’s not normal for Eden to be completely dependent on our fans.
Let’s be ourselves and make a triumphant return to Absolute with our utmost strength.
Then, we will receive our laurels and make ourselves known. Eden are the best idols in the world.”
Nagisa: “…… Yes. I’m sure our fans want that as well.
…… Because we’re the strongest idols, Eden.
…… Next, I’ll perform my solo song.”
Ibara: “Everyone please listen. Nagisa Ran’s—We’re all alone.”
MC 9
Nagisa: “…… You just listened to We’re all alone.
…… I’m Eden’s Nagisa Ran. Thank you for coming to our live today.
…… Each song has its own memories. I was remembering all that happened while singing.
…… I wonder if you all have had the same experience? Since music and memories are connected to one another and committed to memory.
…… I wonder if everyone has some kind of emotional attachment to Eden’s songs.
…… If possible, I would like to ask each and every one of you individually. But, it would be difficult to do that today.
…… It would make me happy if you could let me know through a letter or handshake event.
…… I hope our songs may touch everyone’s hearts.
…… ‘The eternal paradise that touches the heart’— that’s what Eden is.
…… And now, it’s almost time for the end.
…… We’ll perform two songs in a row at the end. Eden’s— Awakening Myth.”
MC 10
Nagisa: “…… It’s a shame, but let’s close the door to paradise.”
Jun: “It was nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to Eden’s independent live today!
Did you all have fun at our live?”
Hiyori: “You got to see my finest performance, so it must have been fun!
I swear on Ibara’s glasses that it’s true☆”
Ibara: “Could you please not involve me? If you’re going to swear on something, swear on Jun’s life instead.”
Hiyori: “That’s no good! Jun-kun’s life is mine!”
Jun: “My life is my own. Could you not swear on it so casually~?”
Nagisa: “…… Hey, can I close the door to paradise?”
Jun: “C’moon, Nagi-senpai is bothered now, isn’t he?”
Hiyori: “Don’t make it sound like it’s my fault! It’s collective responsibility!”
Jun: “Alright alright. Now then, let’s meet again some time soon.”
MC 11
Ibara: “Everyone! Thank you for the magnificent encore!”
Nagisa: “…… The door to paradise opened right away.”
Hiyori: “No. It didn’t open on its own, we had to open it. With the power of everyone’s love♪
That’s why we also have to respond with love. Let’s share the love with everyone here.”
Jun: “The last song is, of course, this song!— BRAND NEW STARS!!!”
MC 12
Jun: “That was BRAND NEW STARS!!! This is truly the end.
We did our best, though. When I think about how it’s over, I feel lonely after all, huh~”
Hiyori: “Everyone, thank you for singing with us! Thank you for your magnificent smiles!
Please come and see me again! I’ll be waiting♪”
Nagisa: “…… The door to paradise shall close again.
…… But I’m sure we’ll meet again. Without stopping, we’ll continue to grow.”
Ibara: “The latest information about Eden is always posted on the official SNS. Please take make use of it☆
Thank you for coming today! We’ll see you soon, salute~♪”
okay i need to get really obnoxious about the new nagisa and hiyori solos for a second
(before i go further i adore them, obviously. they are absolutely perfect for them and their character growth, all four of edens solos are, i am blown away by what theyve done with these and i could go on and on about how much i love them individually but in this post i want to go on about something very specific)
seeing hiyoris solo name, Accept My Love, i had some expectations for this song- namely that i expected this to be an overwhelmingly hiyojun song (in the way that other solos have obvious nods to important characters in their lives without being Explicitly About Them (Wandering Clown and Crystal Pleasure being obvious examples of this)) which i was excited for! and i think you can absolutely see it that way!
however!
there are also some nods in Accept My Love that feel more explicitly nagihiyo that have me absolutely struck- both in the references that seem to be links between both of their solos, and the links in Accept My Love that feel like theyre referencing back to some of the kiseki stories from ! era
i just want to pluck the examples i can think of, starting with just the solos (and also with the caveat that this is from one particular person's translations so there may be different interpretations, this is just me drawing conclusions from the ones ive found)
first, from nagisas:
and hiyoris:
poking at this, i can draw a parallel at the very least visually- nagisa finally stepping out into the world where the wind blows, and hiyori standing behind him calling to him to remind him hey, im right here, pay attention to me too...!
but then, going a little further
nagisa:
and then, hiyori:
now this i dont feel i even have to say anything about. the obvious parallels between nagisa struggling with the concept that trying to connect with others being a sin while hiyori just lightly dismisses it as not even something worth considering. loving sigh
and then!
nagisa:
hiyori:
again, a very easy to make comparison. hiyori has always been light-coded, and light in the darkness is a very easy metaphor to make for human connection and love, but i like drawing the parallel regardless as its used in both of their solos
and now... i also want to bring attention to something else.
in kiseki revenge match, thats when hiyori talks about nagisas backstory, and in the midst of it all, he says this
thats how he describes nagisa. and i truly believe that it came from anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy. hiyori poured all of his love into nagisa, and it helped- it undeniably helped, and nagisa has stated as much time and again, that hiyori brought him to life, that hiyoris light saved him, that hiyori is his sun. but hiyori alone couldnt be his whole world (no one person can, even if theyre soulmates (which they are (to me))) and so hiyori, whos sense of self worth is tied to his ability to love and to be loved and to heal, felt insecure over it and started to see nagisa as hopeless. as a bottomless hole.
however
this now brings me back to Accept My Love
do you think there is a limit on how sunlight radiates?
this is so, so stunning to me- because hiyori has come so far, because he believes that his love is endless and healing, because- reading it the way that i am- he can see his love as enough, that his love and giving it isnt hopeless anymore. and he wants to give it! he wants it to be received! accept my love!
and, the final piece that really tops all of this off for me
