⭑ nads ⭑

you once said

"use BTS to love yourself"

and loving myself has been

the hardest thing i've

ever done

(i still don't do it quite right,

sometimes)

but your words

and your voice, and your eyes

when you say them

have been the hand that

pulls me up, & pulls me along

lately.

"do i miss myself?

[…]i don't know, i don't know"

when it's 3:00 am

and i feel tiny

but i need to know that

it doesn't matter

because everyone is,

so none of us are

i listen to mono

(and also D-2 but this isn't

about yoongi)

and i take a deep breath

and i'm grateful to you

for giving me a home

whenever i need it.

"every time i look at it, i think

wow, you work so hard.

i should do the same"

you said, another time

about your little plum tree

you love so much

and i think about this

all the time

i'm happy that i get to see

how the world looks

through your eyes

even just in glimpses

for i find

that it's lovely

(& i should work harder,

& i should work harder)

"i am not a very good dancer,

but i love to dance!"

you said, in an interview

and i've been realizing that i, too

love to dance!

& i don't dance nearly enough

but you've made me stand up

(and taehyung, and all of you)

more often than i did

for a year and a half, now

and it feels great, to do it.

"uhm, chris …"

you interrupted

in that same interview

and i love that you did

i love that you couldn't keep

your love quiet

if it meant another person

wouldn't know they're

extraordinary.

"i live, so i love"

you sang

(in a concert i wish i could

turn back time to see)

even when i remember you saying

that you didn't believe

humanity is inherently good

but that's it, isn't it?

it doesn't matter

if the world is good, or not,

it doesn't make me love it

any less.

every time i'm overwhelmed

by the beauty around me

i realize that, yeah,

i live, so obviously,

certainly, and plainly,

i love.

how could i not?

"i don't have a driver's license"

you like to remind everyone,

proudly, with a little bit of

a broken english

but that never stopped you, did it?

you couldn't let that stop you

i find it admirable

i hope i can be as good

as to one day speak

with a little bit of

a broken korean

and be able to tell you

all this

(actually, i hope i can be

as fluid as the han river)

"even if i end up becoming

someone other that myself, it's okay,

only i am my own salvation"

i always cry with this song

(i cried writing this down)

it amazes me how you always

know what to say

or maybe how to say it

(or maybe a combination of the two)

you make me believe it

(괜찮아, 괜찮아)

(it's ok)

"not bad and not good

at the same time.

just a life"

i had to add this

because that's how i feel

constantly

at such a turning point

in my life

and it's comforting to know

that RM of BTS

is really just namjoon, too

and it's namjoon's,

"just namjoon" 's art

(and the boys, you must be

so proud)

that is a solace, to me

and to many.

"can a sound wave file

change the world?"

well, i don't know

about the world

but you did change

mine

(and, if i may,

i think your sound waves

are

changing the world).