bless the rains down in africa

no, you know what? respect. he put his mouth where his money is and experienced consequences immediately. every american politician should be taking fucking notes and opt out of government health insurance. out of pocket you entitled fucks. the punjab chief minister is more committed than you ever were

"if mushrooms are the superior lifeform that really calls the shots on this earth, why haven't they destroyed us yet?" listen to yourself. have we as humans gotten rid of every mountain on the planet just because we are smarter than big rocks? no!! because they don't pose a threat to us. sure some people die rock climbing or skiing and that's tragic but mountains aren't dangerous to us as a global society. do you see where i am going with this. it's your misplaced hubris that makes you think that humankind is worth destroying to a mushroom. we are a part of the mundane landscape on the surface. we pose no threat to the mycelian era. humble yourself

i dont bite people anymore. but i did as a child cos i thought i was a werepuppy. also i was still mormon so i would go into the school bathroom at 11:11 everyday (not a mormon thing i was just obsessed with witches n pretended i was one in 5th grade) and pray that god would turn me into a little dog so i could stop going to school. and i was always like "if you don't turn me into a little dog i will STOP BELIEVING IN YOU" and he didn't so i did.

Update on my mom’s jesse pinkman obsession: she now calls breaking bad “Jesse” and will ask me “hey do you want to watch another episode of jesse and see what jesse does” i feel like he’s my fucking sibling im competing with for attention

Had a dream that I was accidentally entered into a "Christian rap competition" and the only thing I could think to rap about was my current interest in pickling onions. The crowd thought my pickled red onion brine for Jesus rap was so cringe that they didn't even boo. The entire venue just went completely silent until I felt awkward and left.

This would have done numbers with Russian orthodox Christians you were just playing to the wrong crowd king. Protestants have no culture

"Are my pickled red onion bars wack? No, it is simply the protestants who are wrong."

Pitbulls are so funny because someone really walked in like "hello, I would like the most dense fucking dog you can possibly manufacture. I'm talking 2x the amount of dog you can condense in the space of one dog. A neutron star of a dog. Compress that motherfucker. Make it stupid also."

More dog per dog