Inner Monologue

I’ll quicken my pace, but walk tall, as if I am not afraid. I’ll look like I have a strike of confidence that has erected my spine. I will hold my head high and keep my eyes laser focused. I am confidence. I will embody what I would think is intimidating to approach.

The noise becomes louder and it’s getting closer. My heart is beating faster and I can feel my breathing shallow. On the outside, I am strong. My insides feel like wet cardboard. I feel like my bones are melting and I want to fall to the ground.

I stop moving. I quickly turn around. Nothing. Nobody is there. Not a single person is behind me, ahead of me, or beside me. 

My hands are sweaty, thoughts jumbled, and my mouth is so dry I feel as though I am going to choke. I am doing my best to look like I'm not someone to mess with, but the harder I try, the closer the sound gets. 

I can hear it getting louder, and it begins to drown out the birds and wind. 

The trees ahead become darker.

The ground beneath, once firm, is now loose, and my footing is no longer stable. 

I begin to run. I am running as fast as I can. My heart can’t beat fast enough for how quickly I am moving my legs.

I begin to cry. I am so afraid. I am exhausted. I give up. I surrender. I stop moving.

I’m sitting alone. 

There’s no forrest.

Nobody is near me.

Alone.

Afraid.

I’ve been experimenting with edibles. Nothing wild, 5 - 10mg a night. 

I take a very mild anti-depressant and I have been for the last (almost) 2 years. I have nothing but fantastic things to say about prescription medication. The only reservation I have towards prescription medication is the lack of information there is about mixing it with cannabis. 

Wine is typically my go-to for a late night winding down beverage. However, there is a plethora of research pointing to the adverse and toxic affects drinking alcohol has while taking anti-depressants. So, I tried edibles.

Let me say, it’s worth the switch. I have never felt so much stress relief in my life. 

I have a degree.

I have tons of certificates.

Ask me how happy I am in my career.

I’m not.

Disclaimer: 

More than once I have attempted to create this blip on how to approach and hold a substantial conversation with another person, face to face. 

The truth is: communication is art; and like art, you cannot take a single paint brush and smear it across a blank canvas, expecting a different outcome. Communication is hard work and takes more spatial awareness than it does self awareness. 

There are so many different styles of communication, classes of people, that it would be difficult to create a single article that could walk anyone through everything you would need to know to be a master in communications. 

My hope for this piece is to lay out general guide lines that could help anyone approach another person and hold a decent and fulfilling conversation. This piece will not go into psychological details and it will not solve any anti-social disorders. 

Note: anything underlined is a hyperlink. If you click the underlined sections of this article, it will bring you to pages that will explain behaviours, more in depth. 

The Goods:

To simplify this and ease your eyeballs, I will break it down below:

1) 

Pay attention to the person you are speaking to. This sounds silly, but paying attention requires more work than most people think. However, it can be rewarding. Put your electronics on silent, or at least face down. Create the space that invites conversation. Look for body language beyond what the person is comfortable displaying. Are their arms crossed? Are they facing away or towards you? Are they leaning in or leaning back? Are they looking at you or looking away? If someone is displaying signs that they don’t want to communicate, but you still aren’t sure: ASK! The concept of “checking-in” seems so lost among us. You are not responsible for how someone else receives you or what you have to say, but you are responsible for yourself. With that being said, if you are making someone else feel uncomfortable for any reason at all, you need to know that. Some people just don’t want to communicate and you need to respect that. 

2) 

Listen!! ...This is not what you think it is. Please look at the illustration below and absorb it.

Often times, while someone is speaking, the other party will skip the first 3 steps and begin interrupting and pre-emptively assume they know what the speaker is saying. Read that again. And again. Burn it into your skull. WAIT until the speaker is done speaking, then wait a little longer. There is no way you have absorbed what someone is saying in a nanosecond. You can be an expert in whatever they are discussing, but you will never be an expert in how they experience(d) what they are sharing with you. That’s the key difference. When someone speaks with you, or you speak with someone else, you have different perceptions and lenses you are looking through. Absorb theirs and let them absorb yours. You can grow from this. 

Often times, someone will interrupt to share a personal story. This is a delicate art form. It helps someone to know that they aren’t alone, and sharing a story that relates, isn’t necessarily inappropriate; however, as a precaution, wait until you have all of the facts and the person is finished sharing with you. “How do I know if they are done speaking?” Again, check-in. That’s polite. They will appreciate it. 

3)

Remember that it’s not always about you. 

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis said it best: “The quickest way to happiness [is] learning to be selfless; Ask more questions, talk about yourself less”

I encourage you to practice going through conversations and leaving yourself out of it, unless asked. Watch the dramatic shift. I have practiced this for a good chunk of my life. Often times, this makes people feel so important that I find myself in situations where I am explaining that I do not reciprocate romantic feelings! Yep... It is that affective. Everyone, whether they will admit it or not, wants to feel loved/special/important/like they matter. It’s natural to want this. Without a romantic intention, practice helping people to see the value and joy that you bring them. Sometimes, less is more. Just by being quiet, you can show people they have value to you, because they can feel that you’re listening. 

When we remove this incessant need to always bring the spotlight back onto us, we allow for the other person to share. Eventually it will come back to you, but don’t rush that process. 

If you are trying to hold a conversation with someone in-person, give them an incentive to keep sharing an intimate space with you. Talking about yourself and asking very little about them doesn’t incentivize anyone to carry on speaking with you. 

4)

Following up is underrated, yet, it’s imperative to retention. This may seem obvious to a handful of people, but I see so many friendship fails and lose touch with people I once cared about because everything always felt one-sided. This is a branch of number 3, specifically, making individuals feel remembered, thus making them feel special. 

Having someone remember finite details about your life would make any person feel like they are cared about. Further, having them ask you about it ongoingly, would typically show you that they have a genuine concern, even if it doesn’t involve them. 

Social media has removed this for us. We assume that because we see status updates and highlight reels of everyone's life, we know what is going on. False. You see me smiling with my family, but little do you know, I haven’t spoken to the one family member who means the most to me (my sister) since 2016. So, yeah, I look happy, but I miss her and think about her everyday. 

Retention is so important, otherwise our relationships are short-lived and fleeting. If you like cycling through people, don’t follow up. If you want life long connections, you need to nourish the relationships you have, new and old. So, follow up (which requires attention to details and allowing someone else to emotionally resonate with you). 

5) 

Last, but certainly not least: VENDING MACHINE THEORY! 

I made this one up, but I’d like to think it’s clever. There’s a saying I once heard and it goes along the lines of “what you put in, you get out...” and I have stuck with this! I look at everything like a vending machine, especially communication. If I want to understand more, I ask questions. If I want to stop a conversation with someone, I’ll politely (figuratively) walk away from the discussion. 

I have friends that consistently lean on me. Whether it be for advice, help, or whatever else. Rarely, those people come to me on their own merit and offer themselves in any capacity to me (unless it benefits them). Writing that sucks, but it’s true. Ironically, the friends that I do have whom make a huge effort to be there for me, rarely need anything. Which I make a point to check-in on them and make sure they’re doing ok. Often times, givers get along well with takers, and vice-versa. The reciprocity isn’t always there, that’s where you need to be sure you are bridging that gap. 

At the end of the day, communication is what you make it. What you want out of it will take work. It could take years of endlessly searching for people who understand you. 

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to cultivate friendships or relationships. There’s guidelines and what works for some, may not work for others.

Chemistry cannot be forced. If it’s there, build on it. If it’s not, keep searching. 

The hardest reality to accept for me has been recognizing that I am sensitive and I only want to allow gentle and kind people into my life. I really gravitate to those who are patient, good listeners, and have endured hardship, because they just “get it”. If all you post are selfies, gym rat clothing, and how many flashy collections you have, I probably won’t get along well with you. However, my self-obsessed neighbour just might. 

Communication is an art, we have vibrations that we emit as people. Some will connect with yours and others will not. Be present and don’t force it. 

Educational background courtesy of The Justice Institute of British Columbia and British Columbia Institute of Technology 

...Of all sorts. It’s not just the romantic relationships that cripple my heart into a paper ball. If anything, I can handle those. Relationships with those people who are supposedly going to care for us no matter what we do. It feels like a stretch even writing that. However, that’s what unconditional love is, right?

We are told that we are loved. We are told by our friends, family, and complete strangers who think that they know us, that we are loved. Loved for our appearance, humour, listening skills, drinking skills, driving abilities, the money in our wallet. You get where I’m going with this. What if everything we had fell away, and all we were left with was literally just who we are. Who would love us?  Who would YOU love? If all they had to offer you was all that they are, all that they have endured in this life, and the environment and experiences that shaped them. 

I’ve lost so many people that claimed they loved me. I know the depths of heartbreak that I truly don’t think any person should feel. 

Our parents. Inherently, from birth, we are hard wired to trust them. We know they will love us no matter what we do and we will love them just the same. Unfortunately, this hasn’t been my story. 

I watched my mother battle bipolar disorder, ultimately until the end of our relationship. High swings of mania, and the lowest swings of depression. Ultimately, I couldn’t do it anymore. Removing myself from my mother has been the top 2 most painful things I have experienced to this day. I feel as though I grieve her death every single day. Knowing she is out there in the world, alive, unwell, and unable to help herself, but not speaking to her or feeling her embrace. 

My father was no better, but the story with him and I scares me to share. Any time I share micro-truths about him, somehow it finds its way to him, and backfires onto me. I am so scared of him. I don’t understand how I can fear someone this much, but miss their presence equally. I guess that truly is unconditional love. 

It was easy for him to let me go, I think. The last I spoke to my father was around August 2020. I called him while having a severe anxiety attack. I was afraid, and although I hadn’t spoke to him in ages, without thinking, I dialed him. In my frantic and illogical state, I said “please, I will do anything, counseling, I just need you right now, I want to die...” He responded “you made your bed, now you have to lay in it.”

He was referring to an act of exposure I pulled a couple of years back. I shared unflattering truths about my dad, because I was asked by someone who my dad is close with. I didn’t volunteer the information and I certainly did not want to deface anyone. I was honest about my dads abusive and manipulative past. To make a very long story short, my father told me that unless I told everyone that I lied about what I said, and I had made it all up, we wouldn’t have a relationship. The truth is, I would be lying if I said I had made it all up. It was all true. Nobody wants that to be true. Not a single person feels pride when they admit they have been a victim of abuse, at least, not me. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. As if I didn’t have the strength to stop it. (Side note: I never used the word “abuse” until one day a therapist told me the only way I could heal from the trauma and move past it, would be to admit that I was abused. So, now I use that shameful word). So, because of all of this, at my moment of feeling suicidal, my dad told me to lay in the bed I had made. He truly believed that he had done no wrong, and the feelings I had were from an accumulation of a life filled with lies and deceit. He projected his reality onto me. 

In that moment, it dawned on me that what I was experiencing was love with conditions. A contract, per-say. It shattered my heart into a million little pieces. I felt unworthy and like my existence on this earth was meaningless. What purpose do I have if both of my parents and I have no relationship? I have been thrown to the world to figure this all out by myself. Without guidance. I am alone. I have no pack. I feel like the two people that are supposed to be there no matter what, aren’t. It’s scary. In fact, it’s terrifying.

I will never forget that day. Something switched “off” in me, and I am really struggling to find the switch to turn it back “on”. It was like my brain sent a message to my heart. The message was: “no matter how much someone tells you they love you or they like you, if you do something that doesn’t benefit them, they will drop you.” It’s left me scared. Emotionally losing my father has been the other top 2 experiences that has been the most painful.

Will my friends drop me if I have done something that they don’t agree with? Could my boyfriend choose to leave if he no longer gained from me? Would his family discontinue to like me (assuming they do) if I said something too opinionated. Does my family truly love me? Or do they love themselves and whatever they do to/for me is still beneficial to their livelihood and that’s why they do it.

Relationships are terrifying to me, because I feel like they are volatile. Love has evolved, but not for the stronger. Evolution has allowed for so many different variations of love, many of which I don’t understand. All of which, terrify me, because I don’t want to lose another person that I love. I want to hear someone tell me that they love me and that be the end of it. I don’t want to lay down on broken glass and let them walk all over me, just to continuously receive that love. 

I know relationships of all sorts take work. I know that to be loved you have to give love. I am learning the balance. I am trying to love good people so that I can receive pure love in return. The process in finding that has been really painful.

I wonder how many of us took to Tumblr, after it was exploited on a recent docu-series that aired through Netflix. Can I say “netflix” on this platform? What are the rules here? 

Many thoughts cruise through my head in a day, and most times I don’t know where to begin. I struggle with this urge to constantly share my thoughts and feelings, almost as if I don’t, I might explode. 

Where it becomes complicated is my painful self awareness. I know most people don’t care about what I have to say, because I am a nobody to the general public. I understand that, which is why I have landed here, on tumblr.