Story of my Life...as a Teenage Robot @myrtletheviolist - Tumblr Blog

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ruinedchildhood

anexperimentallife

narwhalsarefalling

my new running theory is that 9/11 was an inside job (obviously) but that it was mcdonalds behind it all.

narwhalsarefalling

does anyone that grew up in the 1990s remember the mcdonalds monopoly scandal? if you dont, basically everyone who was a grand prize winner from 1991 to 2000 was friends with the guy who was responsible for making those codes. anyway my theory that mcdonalds contracted out bush to hire bin ladan because the court case for this OPENED on 9/10/01, which is literally the day before said event. this way, the country was reeling from the attacks and the monopoly scandal was left out of the news.

abomasnow

Blowjob? or handjob?

full time job with health care benefits

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herotox20-deactivated20210706

theehorsepussie

Strut Bitch!

brucebocchi

colorblind pride flag just dropped

antpilled

funnytwittertweets

memewhore

advanced-procrastination

Skittles are a gun. A sandwich is a gun. A cell phone is a gun. But a gun is a taser.

Idk man i just feel like people with this much trouble identifying guns probably shouldn’t be carrying them around

advanced-procrastination

Like, all im saying is if my dentist couldn’t pick a toothbrush out of a lineup, I’d haul ass

advanced-procrastination

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goawfma

i feel like we don’t talk about things like this enough

He redeemed himself

The duality of Manguin

a3battery

got obsessed with the penguin drama

his girlfriend’s name is lulu and she doesnt deserve the naughty list for this. :C mac’s gone too far and dragged her down wish him. glad he redeemed himself

also look tux is such a bastard that taking him down = good behavior

a3battery

THEY KEEP REFERENCING THE PIER INCIDENT saldkjfah its like his defining moment

im just losing my mind with penguin receipts right now

and he’s pepper’s bf from above, who got on the good list while they had to call out tux for being lazy sldkjfa

u deserve ur spot in the 2020 poll mr. tux. go call out to UR girlfriend to get her food and maybe u can have a redemption arc too. see how well its working out for mr mac

REDEEMED HIMSELF U EVIL POLLSTERS

(since this started out as me wanting to check up on whether or not the penguins were alive, they ARE and u can meet them virtually BY THE WAY)

a3battery

PEPPER IS MR MAC’S DAUGHTER??!??!

this entire family is problematic but lulu was framed and that’s my conclusion

the-most-slytherin-hufflepuff

I’m so invested in the penguin drama

queen-of-thunder

goslinggf

oh that's peggers

goslinggf

poggers

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

PLEASE WHY IS THIS SO REALLDKDND

idk if this is actually funny or if hours of looking at TikToks this year has rotted my brain to the point of thinking “guy smiles loke Keira knightly” is doing something but for me it is

recently-reanimated

Wow this is so interesting. I never knew this.

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vampireapologist-archive-deacti

people make a lot of touch-starved gay jokes about Lush but the truth is it’s not a gay experience, it’s a human experience. no one is safe, no one is immune.

you walk in there for the first time thinkin’ I’m gonna buy some hand soap today and then some dude who smells like something impossible, like he’s being described by a YA author, he smells like lavender, leather, and the steam coming from hot pavement after a short summer rain,

That guy. He comes up to you and he asks if he can help you sample something. He leads you to a small, metal basin of water. It’s so pastoral, it’s so quaint. You can imagine it sitting beside your bed with a porcelain pitcher in your farm cottage for you to use to wash your face in the morning.

He rolls up your sleeve a bit, and you awkwardly apologize for not doing it yourself, and he says it’s fine.

Sir LeatherRain gently rinses your hand in the warm water, and then he dries it off attentively. Then he massages some of the product into your palm. It’s the cinnamon bean massage bar. He says “don’t you love how it feels warm as you rub it in?”

He’s making more direct eye contact with you than you’ve ever made in your entire life.

As he finishes, a woman who smells like coffee beans and pink-skied winter sunrises approaches and says “oh I LOVE that product.”

You know it’s about the sell. It’s transactional, but you’re in love. You can’t help it.

You’re also More uncomfortable than you’ve ever been in your entire life.

As you walk away to the register, you clench your hand and unclench it like Mr. Darcy when he touches Elizabeth Bennet’s hand to help her out of a coach.

tackywizard

As someone who’s worked at Lush I assure you it’s just as weirdly intimate to be the one rubbing lotions into other people’s skin

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

oh thank god

hogwartsaheadcanon

Lush has some bizarro magic going on i once wore a hat i’d knitted into a lush shop and one of the staff members casually complimented it and i went home and i got half way through knitting them one to take into the shop as a gift before i realised how fucking whacked out a thing that would be to do like i was ensorcelled there was spell work upon me

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

obsessed with this

earthdad

me, bleeding to death: help…. me

friend running in: WHAT HAPPENED?? WHO DID THIS TO YOU???

me, pointing: he… he did it

the murderer in the distance:

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