6/17/14: 17:59 Central Time
Feeling: eyes are heavy, gaze is listless, hopeless, robotic, looking fresh tho
Listening to: Broken Bells self-titled
I began the morning in a rather hopeful sort of way, embarrassed, regretful, naive (the naivety would fade around 11:00 AM, and then too the end of the slight amount of hope I had...reading things twice--always a good idea, but I always read worse into the second time--aka the true meaning). I had a smoke at 7:00 AM, made myself a cup of too-bitter coffee, and saturated that coffee with expired milk and enough sugar to choke a child. The dead squirrel is deflating and its caramel fur is fraying grey at the ages. I'm telling myself as I type this that I'll take care of it when I get home, but I'm secretly also telling myself I'll work until it's dark so that I don't have to do it. The mosquitos were rampant. I sort of furrowed my brows at them in hopes they'd ignore me (bite on my calf, bite on my thigh).
I put on makeup and I put on my sweet ass under appreciated Last Kings white and black tank top. My hair looked nice. Curly. I actually washed it. The stupid fake tan on my arms is fading, especially in my elbow creases. Is there a word for elbow crease??? There is. Anticubital area. Is there a word for acting like a complete and utter moron and not knowing when to let things go and really embarrassing yourself via email so that the words are imprinted in cyberspace forever and you made some sort of stupid and wild suggestion that no rational and reasonable and generally normal sort of person would appreciate and indeed the response was in fact mild disgust and general finger-waggin and good luck with your life you piece of shit at the proposition and that's the feeling after reading it twice and now your idiocy is just sort of hanging about in your brain in a bit of a mist while the recipient of your idiocy has already forgotten your name and that's probably the cruelest bit of this whole thing.
So I got to the lab around eight, probably the best time to be in the lab, because I have about an hour when I can play music obnoxiously loudly without offending everyone else with my vulgarity and dubstep. The simple confession that I listen to dubstep just kind of puts me off the whole genre, but that bass really gets to me. Also, Chrome is autocorrecting dub step with a space there and I'm not really sure why but the whole thing is just fairly ridiculous. I continued with all the bullshit lab work that I had been doing: Tn-DA reconstitution (various constructs), myosin purification from chicken skeletal muscle (freshly slaughtered, witnessed their undignified deaths), rAc reconstitution, S1/actin co-precipitation, all the while putting of the "TO-DOs" my advisor ordered in the back of my brain for later. Later, later, later. My eyes are glazed even as I type this.
I find myself thinking about how there's nothing much to look forward to. I find the influence (generally unintended and unnoticed by them) of others on my general well being is absolutely appalling.
I had to take a break and have a smoke around 11:15 AM, the end (probably) (see how I type that word, probably??? even now I have a superstitious smidgen of hope. what the fuck???) of the embarrassing correspondance which brought on the general anxiety of the week. I went home. Looked at the dead squirrel. He looked a bit grayer on the edges. Dodged mosquitos. Fixed my makeup. Ate nothing. Sat in a folding chair hidden from the neighbors and smoked another cigarette because I think I'm invincible to every goddamn thing imaginable, except goddamn matters of the heart. Looked at the garden and all the weeds and all the heavy clouds in the sky and thought about how much of useless person I was in the grand scheme of the cosmos. Like there are so many fucking weeds. And at least 50 mosquitos/weed plant. Fuck that shit.
I went to Casey's on my way back to the lab and filled up old Grandma Gold. Paid for the soda of the adorable little girl in line behind me because I am selfishly trying to wrack up karma points (fingers crossed to make up for those goddamn emails) and plus she still doesn't know that the entire world is going to take a shit on her when she gets out the heady stages of pre-adolescence.
Got back to the lab. Helped my sister and Sara with the centrifuge. They giggle a lot, but I think both of them are on the verge of the world taking a shit on them, so that's likely to die down a bit. Showed the high school teachers how to run a microscope, a pointless exercise, as most are these days.
Got to talking with C. and G.H. about FLIM results as we all three slowly came to the conclusion that the results make absolutely no fucking sense and there was no logical cohesion between the results we were seeing in solution TCSPC and the surface-immobilized FLIM results. Each of us tried to logic our way through who exactly fucked up (or specifically what aspect of the experiment went wrong). No conclusion on this yet, but a great deal of exasperated sighs and exclamations of "why us" could be heard for about forty-five minutes until we all got tired and retreated into our corners. I think I might be partially to blame for this monumental fuckup--maybe contaminated the d-only samples with some acceptor??? Who the fuck knows. Just rinse, repeat, cross your fingers.
Still purifying myosin. Have to do an ammonium sulfate cut. But exciting, I get to label TnI with a new donor. Maybe that will be the solution to the entire fuckup that is my life.
Probably going to go have a smoke now. Goodbye healthy lung tissue, I gasp ironically (?). If I died tonight I think under ten people might cry, but in the long run they might be better off, u feel me??????????? At least I wouldn't have to feel this gigantic regret/shame. Regrame. Shegret.
