#decaying squirrel

Feeling: on the way to forgetting, itchy from the goddamn mosquito epidemic Watching: Pretty Little Liars, because I have lost control of my life

I looked at the squirrel today. It's deflated and covered in flies. Is the squirrel a metaphor for my life? I thought about getting rid of it and decided that I would let someone else take out the trash for once in my goddamned life. That statement is hyperbolic.

I am on the way to the acceptance that life will continue as usual and nothing exciting will happen and those emails were an embarrassment and a peak in fruitless hope (though I still twinge whenever I get an email, just in case).

The girls were bordering on pissed and defeated when they discovered the myosin purification didn't work (again). I found a different protocol (EDTA already in the buffer), so I sent them off to get more chicken from Samuel the chicken man, but he was busy. I therefore settled for antibiotic-ridden Hy-Vee chicken breasts and GUESS WHAT? I think the purification is working. At least, the water precipitation is giving me the good old gloopy white mess as it's supposed to. So, what I've learned from this exercise is try and try again, and things just might fucking turn out. I've learned from the rest of my 26 years that such a philosophy only works on static and dispassionate pursuits. 

I'm on the verge of something. Bad decisions, hurting people. Loneliness and internal debate. I think it will verge to nothing, and life will continue. I want to prove everyone that I can be better and I can do better and I am intelligent and brilliant and I can be a leader in the myofilament field. I can't shake this impostor (impostor has an o????? not an e???? the fuck?) syndrome. I need to read more papers and I just NEED to be better and maybe if I can fucking kill it in my field, then things will work out. I know of the things I speak but I don't even dare write them here. How pathetic that my scientific dreams are only a means to a different end.