My Lips Don't Lie

For one, i’m a warm human being - i shower friends, family and my dogs with love, care and attention. I am passionate when we talk about my career and interests in life.

On the other hand, I give half measures to a potential partner. my only excuse is i’m trying to protect my heart. i msg often, rarely call and give too much space. while at the same time, expect to receive the opposite.

I’ve had this feedback too many a time in the past, and realized just now that i’d probably undermined what could’ve been a good one too many a time too.

So the wall that i fortified, to make sure im the strong independent woman dont ever think you are irreplaceable kind, actually kept me away from giving full measures.

to that - from today, i’ll be the clingy where are you baby how are you doing i miss you already can’t wait to see and touch you type. k? lol.

damn that was a good one. love ‘n light work in progress human beings.

In retrospect, a lot had changed. I am not the girl i used to know. I'm no longer easy-going. I am now that "what's funny?", "what do you mean?", "i got no time for this", "let's close this now" type of hustler. I am that passive agressive, killing it in stealth mode, we not on same page lemme talk to your boss kind of person. Don't box me with your rules, you will wait for me, i'll find a way to fix it, regardless if it's unwritten, unexplored, the last that i would do is conform...

I forgot how to flirt. You flirt with me, my answer is "o you were flirting?". I like things black or white, ill tell you "i don't understand what you mean" coz i dont like reading between the lines.

i still have the hearty laugh, i still like my alcohol. i still don't like people asking how am i doing where in fact they want to ask something else.

I still walk out from people who are boring me to death. Literally and figuratively.

I was told i get what i want when i want it and always get what i want one way or another. also told i can get away with everything coz i'm a good player, and i know it.

my bone structure, my features, the way i talk and deflect, and thank God for my tattoos coz it's an early warning of what i am capable of doing.

I am ovulating, and God i just want a cure to my hyperactive hormones.

I don’t have enough time, I always need to sched a week ahead, and my brat self is always in need of attention.

I am walking the cities with head up high, straight on, with headphones booming its bass at comfortable level to my ears, enough to drown the noise of the outside world, perfect for people to not interrupt my solitude coz i don’t want to look at their faces; they are capable of boring me to death.

I only talk to people I am familiar with, people I need to work with. All that are new, are not warmly welcome to my space.

What is happening? It’s like a point in my life where I am here but shouldn’t be here. It’s like watching myself do things that are mundane and amazing but at the same time laughing coz I am so out of place.

I think I have to be almost done here.

I am used to sleeping alone, and I am not a fan of it. I want body warmth. My blankie warmth can’t cut it. To my future life partner, please note that I want to hear your heartbeats, and your breaths, as air goes in and leave your lungs. Both calm me and it’s a natural lullaby. Let’s not go to bed mad at each other, coz of the above points. I’ll try to be less bitch daily. I’ll also give you tight hugs and back rubs, and cover you in blankie for comfort, in case my body warmth isn’t enough.

Everyone just wants to love and be loved. Personally, I never stopped trying. I've seen the fun and the horrific side of trying. Fast forward to post-heartbreak thoughts: I wrote this to myself when I was going through horrific - 

They always come back, like a boomerang. It’s always just a matter of time. A friend says humans can’t let go of their loss in fear of infinite loss. So they pull and reel you in the best they can, using old tricks you used to fall for. So to keep on winning, just keep on being a step ahead in every step of the way.

Am I mad? You fcking kidding me making this about you!

“No, I am not mad mad. It’s because we are done done.”

That was 3 mos ago. I am a lot better now :)

When you've gone through a lot, you become stiff. Stone cold.

It's hard for you to take your walls down, but when you do, you do it out of choice, not necessity.

Then letting a person in is because you want to, not you need to. In confidence that you are doing the right thing, with minimal risks involved.

The thing about letting someone is you allow them to see you naked, in your raw form. You melt the stone cold.

So when another wave of circumstance hits, you are no longer guarded. No more barriers. Coz that's how it' supposed to be, they say. When you decide to let them in, you go 100% on the leap of faith.

When they end up playing with you, all the chemicals in your brain that you've mastered to manipulate, can go out of control.

Now, the greatest challenge here would be the regulation of the chemical reactions in your brain, whilst functioning as designed.

Modern dating, personally, are dates produced by online dating apps or websites. It is good coz it connects people of different locations, origins, races, etc.

But there are two reasons why modern dating makes me sick in the gut.

1. Men who are already ‘in a relationship’, hop on to online dating platforms when they feel the urge to cheat on their girls. To either taste another woman’s body or be entertained by another personality. 

How does it work? They’ll meet you online, and if you are like me who’s got excellent online stalking skills, they’ll admit of their current girlfriend, then smoothly transition to “doesn’t mean we can’t be friends”.

Fckin epic. So a girl you’ve chatted with for few hrs, get physically attracted to, but can’t date coz you have a current gf, but can’t drop coz you want her to be in your radar, in case you get tired of current gf. That girl is not a ‘friend’, that girl is a prospect.

So if you are a vulnerable chic and agreed with the “friendship”, don’t be surprised when he only has time for you when the main girl is away. That sister is the start of you being a side chic.

2. Men, who are too cheap to pay for a hooker or who don’t want to risk exposing themselves to disease, will hop on to these platforms to find a free lay.

When you are gutsy, you can ask them “what are you looking for?”, you’ll be answered with “i want to get to know you”. But bitch watch out, their idea of getting to know you is by summoning you to come to their turf to “Netflix and chill”. You’ll be lucky if it’s paid Netflix, what if it’s just a torrented movie?

Why do these moves make me sick? These are situations wherein modern dating gets abused, just because it’s right at these men’s fingertips. And women get broken because they believed every fckin word he says, when in fact it was honest to goodness “bitch what were you thinking?”

Women are so big on “i am an empowered woman, i am stronger than you think”, but when faced with a situation like this - they get caught up making decisions, because the man in the situation is fckn hot.

Let’s not tolerate please. Let’s keep modern dating fun and fit for purpose. Let’s not breed entitlement. They are what they are because women allow them to.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.

This is not really what I am feeling right now. But I’ve felt this several instances, by not well thought of choices.

I am happy, peaceful and busy.

I started by weeding out the people who do not matter.

We need to categorize people we meet into three: disassociation, limited association and extended association. I’ll explain in the future.

Disassociation helped me move away from rotten tomatoes, who are so sick inside that they are spreading hate in this lovely lifetime.

Step away from them. You have to initiate it because they will never. They do not contribute to your growth, they make your life more dramatic and less productive. They suck the happiness out of you, one nudge at a time.

Beware. Most of them are in your circles, and sometimes they are your ‘friends’.

I want 30 hrs a day

I want weight training, i can only accomodate yoga at home, tf

Complete school stuff - i'm on 3rd attempt already and I'm losing money each try

I want my long hair back

I want to stay at home on weekend

I want to cancel my cable subscription - i can't watch tv anymore

I want to be careless...

I should leave.

The people I trust are all leaving.

Not all the time, the person you thought 'your person' will choose you. Your probability is 1 out of 7 billion. You owe yourself the initiative to move forward as soon as you identify yourself being an option. If  you were priority, there won't be any selection necessary. Pick yourself up the moment this happens and don't hesitate to walk out of the door - can be head held up high or head bowed down...just leave already. If it was meant to be, it'll find its way back to you, maybe 6 mos later, maybe in another lifetime. Maybe not. Maybe you'll be ran after, but the feeling has passed already. Maybe that would be your sweet revenge. Don't think of the what ifs, or the should've, would've, could've...just proceed. Don't screw your next probability just because of the good ole memories.

In this sea of faces, where do i find myself?

i’m surrounded by couples, group of friends, businessmen on a meeting, individuals who are solo like me but accompanied by music on their ear plugs...

unlike me, who choose to stare blankly at their faces, waiting for a hint of loneliness in their alone time.

i can’t differentiate. i don’t know lonely at its face value.

now i’m tired looking at people so i stare at my reflection in the huge window beside me.

though my silence is drowned by these strangers’ laughter, i hear myself well. it’s loud here but inside me is peaceful.

though i’m alone, i am not lonely coz i still hear myself well; but still i can’t describe lonely at its face value.

my own sea is turbulent and unforgiving, but i’m still able to forgive myself.

The year is ending and I just want a warp to happen.

It’s too fast. Time i’ve spent is now gone.

Mostly to right people, but some to wrong people.

In 2018, i hope to just stop trying. My kid said I shouldnt coz i’ll lose my progress which i don’t know if existent.

It’s just funny coz i’ve been a good girl and being the best person I can be for people around me. just watching and busy making money.

just noticing how universe is getting back to those who were horrible.

this bitch suddenly decided to turn on me and screw my chill state of mind. wtf.

i’ve been a good girl, spreading good vibes and shit, guess what, i still don’t deserve a peace of mind.

maybe i’m really horrible. maybe my efforts aren’t recognised coz i’m a horrible person.

my best friend just said i’m awesome coz i keep on trying, but you know what, i think i’ll just step back.

cradle myself and maintain the wall. coz universe is so hard to please.

I tend to push people away. It's become a habit, and I know it's a bad one.

I'm always on the look out for ulterior motive. Genuine isn't real. There's always that other side of the coin that I keep on analyzing.

I don't understand why.

Maybe because my expectations are always high? Is it time for me to adjust now?

Sometimes I ask myself - "what happened to you?"...

I don't know what happened to me. Am I not happy? Is my contagious laughter and witty comments all staged? By who?

Is it insecurity? Is it because I need professional help? Is this what they call depression?

It has no name. It is peculiar.