My First Affair

Tonight I was in a car accident. Nothing major. I texted J that I had been in an accident. He immediately called me as soon as he got the message. “Are you okay? Where are you? Do you need me?”

I choked back the tears (not very well I might add) as I said “I’m okay. I’m in front of the stupid home improvement store. I’m..I’m not going to pull you away from work or from home...it’s your choice...” Without hesitation “I’m on my way.”

He stood with me the entire time until finally I was able to go home. It wasn’t until a little bit ago that I realized I needed him to show up. I needed him to be there and be my strength while I started to fall apart. He held me and talked to me. He kept making me laugh. I needed all that. He needed to check and make sure I was okay. That I really was in one piece. Then he needed to make me smile. 

I wanted nothing more than to be able to go home with him. To curl up in bed with him and cry. To just shake off the jitters that I have. But I can't. We each had to go home separately and he’s going out of town this weekend for a long weekend. 

Work is being shitty. 

It’s been a while but I’m still here. Things have slowed down a little bit with J. At first I spent a lot of time panicking. Now I have ventured into calm acceptance. Things get busy. Plans have to change, you just have to adapt with that change sometimes. And that’s okay. J has been busy with work and fighting off the plague for a while. It’s okay. We’re okay. 

I spent a lot of my weekend thinking. A lot of my weekend remembering. 

I fell asleep last night remembering the night that this all started. How J tested the waters by casually putting his arm around me during the hockey game. It’s so silly, such a little touch but I remember being hyper aware of that touch. Of looking at the hand and trying not to read into it. Why should I? In my mind he was happily married. He had never once let on that he had feelings...

Correction. He had. I was just very oblivious to that fact. 

Seven months. Seven months Tuesday since this all started. Seven months since my life changed. Seven months since I walked a path I never imagined I would walk.

I wish you had been able to come tonigh.

I wish you were in bed with me tonight.

I miss your kisses. I miss your touches.

It feels like ages since I last wrote here. Things have been progressing but also staying the same. 

J leaves tomorrow to go out of town for a guys adventure. We haven’t been able to spend much time together because of work and just timing. My anxiety is almost on a constant all hands on deck. While my logical brain knows that there is nothing wrong, that everything is fine...because of the lack of time together I’m also panicking.

I’m hoping we can do lunch tomorrow maybe. To see him one last time before he leaves for a week. 

Even though she’s in the business of saving lives...