leilah

The Hermit: Self Discovery and Introspection

If he suddenly contacted you today, what do you imagine would happen?

There are so many different scenarios that I have come up with pertaining to this question. What would I do if he randomly contacted me on instagram or somehow found this page and had a lightbulb moment, somehow recognizing that I am talking about him. For most of these scenarios, I can recognize the straight ludicracy coming out of my flat assh. For example, him suddenly finding my instagram and wanting to dm me or something. (I actually made both of my Insta profiles public for this purpose only!!??) har har har. But that is kind of insane of me to think that a dude that probably has not thought of me in ten years would randomly look me up. And I only have one recent post sooooo Im stupid asf. Obviously. There's also a part of me that has decided that there is nothing wrong with this type of thinking. To be honest this is kind of fun. Those scenarios actually make me LOL. But back to the question, I am really unsure how I would feel if he would contact me and profess his undying love? Crush? For me. I fear he would give me the ick. Maybe he should give vibes that I don't like so I can move on. Maybe this is a huge fat “ick” to him. Who knows, don't care right now

What evidence do you have that the real person would match the person you've been thinking about for years?

cero, sero straight up ゼロ

How much do you know about who he is now?

Other than what I embarrassingly/regrettably read in his blog post, NOTHING

What parts of the fantasy feel most important to preserve?

Examining Triggers

Examining triggers

What tends to trigger thoughts about him?

I genuinely think he is in my mind at all times. Yesterday I was at six flags and I thought I would love to bring him here. I hope he likes rollercoasters. I think I want to insert him into the different parts of my life and therefore it makes it a little more real for me. Which in turn makes me even more delusional. I guess I am lying when I say I can never see past the first initial encounter, because sometimes I think about him domestically. Meaning, I think I can imagine being in a relationship with him, I have imagined myself going on dates with him with the imaginary relationship already established. But these are sooo incredibly seen through rose colored glasses that its kinda bonkers and really puts into perspective how crazy and alone I actually am.

Do certain emotions—loneliness, stress, boredom, rejection—make you think about him more?

I mean I guess loneliness can trigger me bringing him up in my mind again. I would say the reigning emotion or feeling is boredom. Unfortunately I am often bored, despite having so many things to do. I will whip him up, again in the perspective that I have created for him, due to the fact that I have never actually said shit to this man. The feeling of my life being centered around a random dude that does not even think about me is jarring and I hope sometime in the future I can be released from this. I’m kinda tired of it. There was a point within the last two years where I thought I was free, I kept thinking oh my god finally, I dont find this dude attractive anymore, and think I finally did it…. Wellllll look at me now. 🙁

How often do you look him up, revisit memories, or imagine interactions with him?

I think about him often, mostly imagine interactions that literally have no possibility of happening. EVER.. Sometimes I will revisit memories but most of them are from high school, and in general is me reaching asf. Like oh he liked me actually because I caught him looking at me blah blah blah. Whatever. He was probably looking at something/someone else that was in my general vicinity IDK IDC. Well this whole question therapy blog thing is happening because I did look him up and read something that I admit, I probably should not have read, but I did anyway. SAD SAD SAD. But I am constantly trying to find pictures of him but its like he has no other digital footprint which is crazy asf bc he has too frfr. I even look at his family's profiles but every single one of them are private, and for good reasons. LMAO protecting him from me for real.

Exploring the person and the attachment

What was it about him that felt so special to you?

I'm not really sure. He wasn’t even the “chosen one” until I got to my junior year. Then I was like ohhhh hell yea. I am unsure if it was because the one I was really focused on got a girlfriend, or I just naturally pivoted but yeah. I actually remember my sophomore year, one of the girls I used to hang out with pointed him out to me saying that she thought he was cute. After that just the tiny things like how our names looked good together and a bunch of other stupid shit.

How would you describe your relationship with him?

Parasocial. Im delusional not dumb

How much of your attachment is based on who he actually was versus who you imagined him to be?

All of it. I have never even talked to this man. The only interaction I have ever had with me was that I requested to follow him on Instagram, which he promptly deleted, THEN I REQUESTED IT AGAIN

If you had to describe the version of him that lives in your mind, what would you say?

You see, I think this is an incredibly hard question because like I have said before, the scenarios I create in my head are just repeats of me looking amazing and him looking in on me. Like how fucking stupid am I. He is also the only one where I have given myself the ok to think about sexually, but other than that  his version is still stuck being whatever I have thought up for him and thats kinda fucking gross. Like I can only imagine what he looks like now, I have seen a photo and personally I feel that it did not do him any justice. But still, his face is literally only a jumble of what I can imagine him to look like. And that's boring asf. 

"Love on the Brain" Pg 255

Ali Hazelwood

As a person who has never been in a relationship and has only ever gone out with one guy, what does it mean to be in a relationship and be a partner to someone else? I am not sure, and at least at this point in my life, I do not think I could ever be in a relationship. I don't see myself in one, like at all. Whenever I do those little, tiny, miniscule scenarios that fuel (and fix) my nighttime rancor, I am never with this said person, I am always imagining the beginning of whatever happens; me walking by looking straight smecxi, and him looking at me in wonder (LMAO). Yet the scenarios never really pass this scene, they never really get to the point where we might start talking, learning about each other, becoming each others chosen person. That sort of thing. My nights are filled with the broken VHS with the tape ripped out and only plays the beginning of the story, over and over. For the last year, I have been bored with these little stories I like to fool myself with, and have been slowly trying to remove myself from these by reading (romance), watching youtube, and attempting to actually sleep at a good time. But sometime in the new year, I have reverted back into my classic delusions with let's say even more delusional ideals to accompany them. I have been consistently "Maladaptive Daydreaming" (?!?!?) since I was in middle school, fueled by the inappropriate books I was reading at 12 yrs and the loud music I was exponentially destroying my ears with. Due to this habit of mine, I think I destroyed my future with getting into normal relationships with people. Along with the fact that i am just also a little bitch when it comes to men I might like. This last dude that was graced with my presence, he was cute and I had thought we had hit it off over text, but when I met him in his physical form (-_-) I was blegh. He was a cute guy but like I felt like this is not something that I want. I was almost grossed out by him. Kind of felt bad kind of did not. Hopefully he finds someone who matches him better than I did. Anyway, I am concerned that this is what the rest of my experience is going to be like with all my other potential partners.

I want to discuss how I tend to obsess over the people I "like". I put like into quotation marks because for this guy that I talked about in my last post, do I even like him? or do I like the synchronicities that I supposedly connected us with. I have not stopped thinking about this kid for almost a decade and yet I actually have never had a full conversation with him or even made full eye contact with him yet he kind became my world. I would like to put on the table the word Limerence..

According to AI Overview:

Limerence is the involuntary state of intense romantic obsession

Once I had learned the word limerence. it was like my world shifted somewhat. I thought it was kinda crazy that there was an actual word for me this consuming feeling. Apparently my sister also experiences limerence, but she once told me that I do not understand what limerence really is. I wonder if she felt that way because she was going through therapy at the time and felt that actually.. I have no idea what she was going on about but she kind of got all mad and serious about it. That kind of pissed me off because just because i wasn't going to therapy for it, does not make it not pertain to me just because i do not "understand" it. it's whatever now idk.

My friends have told me that going to therapy would be really beneficial for me because they have said on multiple accounts that I am kind of fucking crazy. But what is a therapist going to ask me? what in their question repertoire would align with my crazy?

For the past couple of years, I've recognized that my life feels stagnant and at a standstill compared to many of my peers. But at the same time, what do I know? How do I know what these people are actually going through? I'm genuinely unsure whether people are living the lives they want, having a good time with their partners, or whatever the fuck they do with their SOs. I just know that I am not. LOLOLOL.

Recently, I found (yes, I searched his name, sigh) the blog of a guy who has not left my head since high school. I'm currently seven years out of high school; he's eight. While reading his blog, I was admittedly very uncomfortable. LMAO. I had to stop a few times, go do something else, and then, unable to control myself, continue reading anyway. Obviously in incognito mode.

He sounded so eloquent in the way he wrote that I got this feeling—maybe not a fact, but a feeling—that I should just let go of this guy. But at the same time, it's fun to think up BS scenarios at night. TikTok has taught me that I'm not the only person who does this, and maybe I'm not even the only person in my life who does it. I'm incredibly aware that this could be a bit harmful to my understanding of reality, but that shit is fun as fuck.

Anyway...

I guess I could explain why I'm still obsessed with this one guy, and honestly, I can only rely on the delusional things I've been telling myself for the past decade. Interesting. Thinking about it this way really puts into perspective that I am, in fact, a dumb bitch with nothing to do. Even right now, I thought of a random scenario that meant literally nothing other than someone asking about my eyeliner.

Sigh.

Going back to being delusional, I'm a really strong believer in fate—or at least I want to believe that fate exists and has someone lined up for me. This guy happened to check a couple things off my list, and there were some coincidences: the number of letters in our names matched (666), our names both have Persian backgrounds, our grandparents lived in the same general city (SD), and one of our parents' birthdays is only a couple of days apart in the same year.

The rest of the "signs" were things like randomly seeing him working at a grocery store. This was years ago, but for some reason I convinced myself it was fate and grabbed onto it, never letting it go.

But in reality, homeboy probably never even noticed me there. He doesn't think about me, and back then, when I requested to follow him on Instagram, he deleted my request. LMAOOO.

And guess what I did?

I REQUESTED HIM AGAIN.

Like a dumb bitch.

Seeing the pattern?

There was another dude I liked in high school—not as much as this guy, but enough to occasionally look at and do absolutely nothing about. Well, I requested his Instagram too, and that request got deleted as well.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO DID GET ACCEPTED?

Kristie.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE.

The guy had never seen her before, and he still accepted her request.

Obviously, I'm ugly. Clearly.

The funny thing is, I know I'm not ugly. I'm average-looking and chubby, so I don't really know what to make of that.

Or do I?

Should I go off on a tangent about how I'm not really doing anything with my life because I stopped going on runs and haven't gone to the gym consistently despite making it a goal this year? Because apparently I have to look pretty for BTS in August?

But I won't.