Future Surgeon

16/4/2020 | 27/60 Days of Productivity

You don’t remember your name? No. But for some reason, I remember yours.

18th February 2019; 2:50 am

Tomorrow….actually in 7 hours, marks my first day in medicine as a medical student. Numerous thoughts are rushing through my head, may it be excitement or anxiety, sprinkled with a fine mixture of fear and anticipation. Whatever, all I need to do is look ahead and be the best I could. 

I never thought this day would come. Just a few months ago I was a down-beaten, depressed University student in my final year of undergraduate degree, who was uncertain, doubtful and straight out scared about his future. Having almost “flunked” the med school entrance exam twice in a row, the med dream was slowly drifting away from me. I thought I was done. 

I prayed, and it delivered. An email out of the blue broke my entire world and flipped the trajectory of my life for the better. “NO WAY! IM IN!” I screamed as I opened the acceptance email from medical school. I still remember it, It was a fantastic moment, a fantastic day. All the pain, hardwork, struggle were paid back in that one instant and I could say confidently they were worth it. 

But as I embark on the next journey, flipping the story to a brand new chapter, I begin to wonder how my story will shape out in the not too distant future. Will I be a successful doctor, a competent clinician and an inspiring educator? There are so many questions inside my head that are left unanswered: will the people at this new uni like me? will I be able to blend with others and make meaningful friendships? will I be able to burst out of my bubble and be ready to challenge myself? Is the course going to be really hard? How am I going to thrive in this brand new environment, surrounded by unfamiliar faces? 

I don’t know. I am excited, but I am also scared

I have dreamed and dreamed of this very moment as a child. I’ve leaped through mountains, shattered blockages, climbed over hell and sacrificed a lot of things to get here. But now that I am actually here, I do not feel the emotion I had expected. Maybe deep down I still think I’m not good enough, or perhaps I am an incomplete project with many flaws. After working up the food chain throughout my academic career, I have found myself to be once again: a small fish in a big pond.

To be honest, I have never been that comfortable with social things. I am not bad at it when put on my back and pretend to be someone who I am not; but I’d never actively go out of my way to establish those meaningful connections. I guess I was always the shy type, who needs time to get close to people around me. This is contradicting and counter-intuitive as a future doctor, but I must make the distinction between professional work and social connection; I drew the line between them extremely clear, as to leave me with no chance to hesitate. I am worried, a tad bit scared, but I want to change that. I do not wish to be a doctor who is all books.

I wish people will like me. 

I guess the feeling of being an actual medical student has not yet set in; the prospect of doing medicine still feels like a dream…a good dream I wish to not wake up from. Perhaps it will take a few weeks to settle in, the feeling of unease and disbelief, sprinkled with excitement. Tomorrow (today) will the start of conference week, where we get to know the course, the academics, fellow students, and most importantly, a sneak peak of the type of person we would become in four years; plus some extra inspirational talks about clinical work, history of medicine, what it means to be a doctor and campus tours. Sounds exciting right! And actual teachings will begin the week after that!

The timetable will look something like this:

I will look forward to tomorrow, look forward to the next four years. I do not yet know things that are going to happen, the ups and downs, but I shall do my best and be ready to tackle anything that comes my way. This is going to be a brand new, exciting new chapter, and I cannot wait to write many more adventures and leave more memories behind. After all, this IS medicine, this IS where I always wanted to be. 

For my future self:

“Fight! No matter how hard or how grueling it is, just keep fighting. It is okay to make mistakes, it is okay to say I don’t know. Keep standing up no matter how many times you are sent to your knees. Don’t lose sight of what you love, the things that inspired you to dive into this noble profession in the first place! Don’t forget WHO YOU ARE.”

Let the next four years be a time of great transformation

To be continued…

It was a restless night, I rolled around back and forth without being able to fall asleep and as the night pressed on, i felt more “energized”. And at the end, two hours of sleep was all I had before embarking on my big day. 

After getting lost a couple of time, I finally found the auditorium where our first briefing will be held. I was calm, I was excited. I was directed into a waiting area with numerous students hovering near the entrance of the auditorium, studded with a couple student mentors. “What’s your last name”, the mentor queried. “Xu”, I replied in a quiet but steady voice. “Okay, what course are you doing” the mentor pressed on. 

“Doctor of Medicine.” 

For that very moment, I could feel the attentions from the surrounding students slowly zooming onto me, like a concentrated beam of sunlight. The students were mostly undergraduate science students, all aspiring for a career in medicine. And at that moment, I became the embodiment of their dream. I fully understands the feeling, as I was in the same situation couple of years ago, where I envied “I wish I could be like him/her”. 

After this short encounter, I moved my way into the auditorium. It was not a big lecture hall…its capacity no more than 250 students. Contrary to my expectation, the room is not exclusive to medicine, but included a good mixture of master of public heath and bachelor of clinical science. We then spent three hours going over seemingly boring topics like “how to access your email”, “what is academic integrity”, “Where to get your lecture slides” etc; all which MAY be useful for first years but redundant at best for us veterans who have went through hell. We then went through course specific introductions, and naturally medicine was placed at the last. 

The master of public health and bachelor of clinical science academic gave extensive talks about their expectations and what the courses are like, which bored me to death as I was dying to know more about MY OWN course. A few yawns later, it was finally our time. Academics here have the tendency to request “raise your hands if you are from X course”, and without surprise, out of the 250 or so students, only a handful were MDs. 

Just as I was daydreaming, a man of big stature dressed in navy shirt and black pants walked onto the stage in big strides. What normally took female academic 10 steps, he did it in 4. His voice was projecting and clear, and you could feel the confidence radiating outwards.

“I am an endocrinologist and co-director of the MD program…”, my heart lightened up and my pupil dilated, “without name shaming, put your hands up if you are doing medicine…” He took a sudden pause and said with a smirk, “c’mon, medical students, hands up”. Just as he finished, my hand and arm jolted up in a continuous motion, shooting straight into the air with so much pride…as if answering “YES!”. 

After the faculty welcome concluded, It was time for lunch. All the students were ushered to a large ‘balcony’ and ‘roof top’ like place with an array of different snacks and food. Just as the morning talk, this session was also bombarded with kids from different streams and courses. I walked in wondering “Where are my homies at?” However, I was determined to know as much of the cohort as possible and set a solid footing into this new soil. I first started with two people whom I had brief exchanges earlier, who were both first year med students. 

I made the effort to speak clearly, loudly and confidently with a smile. “Hey! My name is X, nice too meet you.” The conversations initially hovered around the excitement of being in med school, the feeling of being in a new uni, or even a new country for those who came from interstate or internationally. I continued to maneuver around the event venue, finding more and more “homies”, I was not scared of introducing myself to a group, in fact I was introducing different groups to each other as an effort to “round up” the 1st years scattered among students from other courses.

In a matter of thirty minutes, a small 3 people group soon became 10, then 20. Everyone was so bright and friendly, each with their unique personalities and quirks. But all of them had left me with a memorable impression. Some were shy and timid, others were talkative and cracked jokes and banters. The next thing you know, we had already started planning where we would be hanging out and drinking together.

People here are so different to undergraduates, they are all so open to chat and keen to make friends. There is such a diverse background and personality, It seemed like different blobs of paint sloshed onto the canvas like a huge mess. But examining closely, this diversity and variety is the very strength of medical education and it is what makes medicine different from ANY other courses.  

These are the people that will learn, study and work with you for the next four years, accompanying you in different stages of medicine; these are the people you will laugh with, cry with, struggle with and succeed with…they are all part of an extended family. I feel empowered because I am part of this community.

So if you are gonna achieve this someday, might as well start now!

As of today, we are officially members of Australian Medical Student Association (AMSA) and the university medical society. That’s awesome isn’t it! It is the real deal! (We also got some freebies from AMSA)

Around 1pm, the number of people had started to thin out. Just as I was about to wrap it up and go home, they suggested “Why don’t we head down to the food place (UBar) to grab a drink and chill?” I believe, this is the beginning of a strong bond in the making, this is the type of things that connect people and bring them closer. Of course I could not turn down such offer. 

Later that day, we bumped into another group of medical students who went to library tours, and a simple “Hey!” turned out to be another 3 hours long conversation filled with laughter, just like that our extended family has grown even further and tighter. Although it was first time meeting eachother, and we still had trouble remembering so many new names and faces, it honestly felt like we knew each other for a long time. 

“Let’s eat at this place next time, I heard it’s very good!”

“Do you guys want to go target later, I need to get socks and soap”

“HAHAHAH socks! Why not, let go!”

“Since we are all in the University village, let’s move to the same place!”

“Have you signed this form? I can send you a copy if you don’t have it”

We then talked about medicine, specialty, hobbies, our own lives, families and many more topics that I could not even remember. But I do remember the feeling, I had so much fun. 

I felt a strong sense of belonging. I felt loved and understood…by strangers whom I’ve known less than 24 hours, who are now families. 

We will continue the conference week tomorrow with some MD overview and key stuff introductions; followed by a talk on person centered care and intermediate care facilities. After lunch we would continue with international clinical placements info in Apollo, all wrapped up with a Q&A with clinicians about medical career pathways. Exciting!