Loser

Can I bleed enough to make your heart flutter?

Can I make your eyes glaze over like I did before?

If I tear at my flesh any more will your mouth still water?

Can I decompose long enough to make you realise you love me?

Am I what you expected?

Did I change?

Do I seem more confident to you?

More destructive?

I suppose people do that when you leave them defenceless and alone, right?

Weird how you needed to fully detach yourself only to come back years later to realise I could be perfectly adequate for you, even if it’s only when I am very literally pulling myself apart.

Yes, this is my heart, it beats violently in my hands in a sticky flow of crimson. Yes this is my heart, what, are you surprised I have one? and yes it beats for you.

No it’s not the same one I had when you left, because you took that with you.

I can’t see you carrying that anymore.

But here, it doesn’t matter, here’s your replacement.

Free of charge, don’t worry. I understand the money must be tight.

I’m sure payment will come in the form of my blood and tears again.

My old mechanisms

To cope again

I find myself drinking

Half a bottle of vodka

A night

Getting out of my face

Just to numb myself -

The one thing I tried

For so long

To rid myself of.

The endless feeling

Of nothing

And yet now, these days

I find myself

Needing to not feel anything

Begging for the hollowness

Of not feeling

But my heart can’t bear

To face the words I

Need to say but

Cannot manage to write

For fear of hurting.

In the scraps of things I never was,

Promising myself that I never lost it,

That I could still be -

To stop the retroactive desire.

But it lay there in front of me,

The proof, the evidence,

Taunting me of a life I wanted -

Yearned for so badly.

A life I thought was going to happen,

No matter what.

And yet I find myself caught up in what I would have once thought a delusion,

But I don’t feel very deluded.

And I’m ITCHING

Poking at my brain to give me reason

It always used to come so easily

I could drown in all the reasons why

So many pros and never any cons

And now I’m falling short on anything

Please, just one fucking reason

I’m begging, pleading.

please.

Yet I should be proud

The progress!

Four whole years and five months!

But I find myself feeling short of anything but longing and desire.

But it’s not because I’m numb -

God no,

I feel so many things now

It’s almost overwhelming.

But good.

I never thought it would be like this

I never thought it COULD be like this.

happy.

But then why?

WHY?

clock back to zero.

I’m a liar; I’m a cheat, But only to my diet, Cause I don’t fuck with her no more.

She wears her sorrow like a mark upon her heart, A jagged line tearing through her body, Splitting her in two.

She holds her son, as he lay there dying, Pain and grief, painted plainly on her face, An immortal lamentation.

You’re the reason why I never shut my eyes to go to sleep at night, And it’s because of you that I watch the sun take over the moon every dawn, Whilst I sit smoking my lungs black.

I don’t know who I am because the tide dragged me under again, I’m in over my head once more and I just can’t seem to escape From the pain that won’t leave me be; No matter how many times I relieve my veins of their blood, I will never drain their poison.

I’ll continue to keep on living, Even though I don’t feel up to it, I don’t feel alright. So I’ll just carry on drinking myself to death, As a way to cope with it, A way to fill myself up inside, so I don’t feel incomplete.

Margaret Atwood (The Handmaid’s Tale) wrote:

‘Waste not want not. I am not being wasted, why do I want?’

‘Time is a trap, I’m caught in it’

‘A rat in a maze is free to go anywhere, as long as it stays in the maze’

‘Better never means better for everyone … It always means worse, for some’

‘Because I’m telling you the story, I will your existence. I tell, therefore you are’

Something so stupid as just thinking about playing your favourite video game fills me with sickening guilt and dread. I cannot do Our Things, now that I am alone.