BAT BUTTS

Deadname

Chosen name

But honestly we really have:

Name

Other name

Deadname

Business name

Old nickname only some people have rights to use

Online name

hmmm

that’s him. you do not have to remember his face from this image because you’re gonna see it a lot in this post. so mainly i think we all kinda honed in on tim misny because of his slogan

he’s gonna make them pay. he’s gonna get you that money but also it’s a little threatening like he’s gonna fully fuck his legal opponent’s shit up. this sprung tons of local memes. then there were the billboards which were normal at first.

but here’s the thing; we already know what misny does. he makes them pay. so it turns into just saying “you know what i do” which is funny enough if you don’t at all have the context.

but this is not where the absurdity caps out, my friends. no. this is what it has evolved to and they. are. everywhere.

I just remembered.

D&D: Please put a disclaimer that you are not a universal system. Every time I see someone try to do a political mystery game in D&D, I take 3d10 psychic damage and have to make a death saving throw.

Pathfinder: Look. If i wanted to play a game about fighting Cthulhu there is an extremely famous game specifically designed around doing that. Literally no-one is ever going to say "Wow, I want to play a Cthulhu themed game! Time to stat up a musical halfling from a magical fantasy land!".

Chronicles Of Darkness: Just admit no-one uses any of your rules. You have Social Door Rules and Integrity Conditions and Corruption Levels and I bet at most 50% of COD players could tell me which of those I made up. Just admit people aren't dressing up as Alucard The Bringer Of Shadows because they want to sit down and do calculus.

World Of Darkness: You know that old guy who's still doing his job even though he is way too old to do it any more, but he's now an institution so you can't get rid of him? Like that. The 90s called and they want literally everything about this back.

Call Of Cthulhu: I appreciate the commitment to authenticity, but maybe stop hiring actual disgraced mental asylum directors from the 1920s to design your sanity system?

GURPS: Look. Look. Listen. We both know that you just want to write history textbooks. These are history textbooks with a few stat blocks begrudgingly put in. If you just give me a book on early Chinese history I will read it and go "ah, very interesting!". You don't need to put in a list of character choices. We're all nerds. We'll read them. Live your best life.

Powered By The Apocalypse: I actually can't think of anything wrong with PBTA. That's not a bit, this is literally the perfect system. Take notes everyone else.

Mutants and Masterminds/Heroes System: Your systems have probably the most customizable character creation in the world and you both just make reskins of the Justice League over and over again. Maybe we only need one "thinly veiled copyrighted characters" setting? You can fight over it once you decipher your combat mechanics.

FATE: Ok I won't lie, I have no idea how the fuck FATE works. I have read the rules repeatedly and played three games and I still have no idea what invoking an aspect means. I don't know why. I grasped the rules of fucking Nobilis but this one just psychologically eludes me. This is more a problem with me I guess, but I'm still annoyed.

Warhammer 40k: Have you considered spending less on avocado toast? Then you might be able to afford to charge less for things?

KULT: Can I make a character for your premade adventures? No? You want me to play a premade character who is so tightly woven into the adventure that it would be near impossible to change it? ...Do you want to play this adventure, KULT? Do you want me to leave so you can sit there playing with your edgy OCs? Yeah, thought so. Bye, have fun!

Shadowrun: RPGing for nearly a decade and I have literally never opened a single Shadowrun book. I know nothing about it. It is entirely possible Shadowrun is actually a Goncharov situation and everyone's fucking with me. I would have no way of knowing.

Delta Green: Hmm, burning down your entire setting and destroying everything in it is certainly a bold move for a second edition. Gotta give them that one.

Gumshoe: Ok so cards on the table- my opinions on Gumshoe are fundamentally tainted by Mutant City Blues. It's a gumshoe game where you play a super-powered cop but the rules expressly forbid you doing anything cool with your powers and focus mostly on the paperwork of police work. Now I can only associate it with that cartoonishly boring character from a sitcom whose hobbies are watching paint dry. Sorry gumshoe, I'm sure you're fun but ACAB.

Paranoia: Easily the most efficient friend removal system since the Illuminati card game went out of print.

Nobilis: It is a cliche to point out the rules for Nobilis are designed for moon goblins from the mirror dimension, so I will instead be focusing on the fact the game fluff repeatedly and specifically threatens my life. I am like 90% sure trying to play Nobilis has cursed my entire bloodline and this is only 50% a bit.

Monsterheart: I appreciate the mechanical and narrative purpose of the rule where you might be overcome with uncontrollable lust towards anyone at any time for no reason whatsoever, but its still a little unnerving.