stuck in puppy love U^ｪ^U

in a sea of blood, i would focus on keeping you alive even if i was struggling to stay afloat. i couldnt let you drown knowing this flood was all my fault.

jerked off, feeling less like i want her back and now its more like just straight normal guilt. just girl things.

i want her back. she tried to kill herself the other day. i blame what i said, i blame how i treated her when she lashed out at me, i blame her friends, i blame everyone but her. i miss her smile, i miss the pretty way she used to dress, i miss how shed gasp when i got close, that loving gaze as shed stare into my eyes, i miss her. i want her back but after how i treated her, i dont deserve to. i want her back. i want her back- i wnat her back pelase i just want her back please dont stop me, pelase dont judge me, i know im crushing on someone else, i know i cant stop thinking about him but i cant stop thinking about her either- i miss her i miss her so much- i wish i could just have both of them, i wish he liked me as much as i like him, i wish i didnt feel so ashamed.

i just wish i wasnt the placeholder for someone else, i feel used.

i hate how jealous that makes me. theyve hung out more than we have lately and usually our conversations have just been sad. i dont get to hang out with my best friend but he gets to hang out with one of his other best friends everyday, its not fair. i preferred it when you were alone, when you were closed off from everyone else, atleast then it felt like i had a purpose in your life. i could feel puke rise up in my throat thinking about how much fun youre having and- and i realise thats not good- i want you to be happy, why cant i be happy that youre happy without me there?

could i have made my colours more pink? i dont know, maybe, i could have put more effort into the lighting too, i dont care though. i like how it turned out just because of the expression alone. i did break down multiple times whilst making it though, so part of the reason why i didnt do those things is because i wanted to get it over and done with.

i get it, my fucking art sucks, god- i try and be vulnerable in a different way and you all fucking hate it- you hate it, you hate me, no one following this goddamn account cares if i die or not, god im so alone- ‘you have friends! you have friends who love you!’ oh yeah im just supposed to confess my undying love for my best friend, thatll end well, go fuck yourself

i cant be him again, i cant be him, i dont want him to hate me like he did when we were kids- i want to stay me- i want him to love me- i dont want to fall back into those boyish habits, those habits that made him hate me- those habits that made him. leave me. he. he never left did he? that was me. i wish the one that abandoned him, never the other way around. fuck.

i msoryr im soryr i broek up wtih you like this, im soryr that i couldnt do it in person, im sorry im such a coward- im sorry please please just forgive me please please i just want to be friends again, please dont leave me, please dont leave my life, please i dont want you to go, i dont want you to die- i dont want you to kill yourself- i dont want you yo u gone, i ondt i dont. i. i dont have any right to cry over this. i dont have any right to cower when im the one who hurt you.

i just want to grovel at your feet like a dog, why do you try to push me away like you werent the one trying to make me yours

i wish i was a monster, then i wouldnt feel so guilty for acting like one.

shes sick of me- shes sick of my crying- shes sick of having to deal with me. i did something awful to her and i just cant stop crying over it and its not giving her the time to process anything. im ruining my relationship in real time, im ruining a 2 year long relationship with my bullshit- i hate how much guilt i feel, i hate these episodes, i hate ruining my own life and i hate how much its ruining hers. this never would have happened if they hadnt pried us apart, this isnt my fault this is this is this is th- th- th- this- this isnt my- this. this is all my fault. and im never going to recover from it! im never going to recover from this! im going to lose her- im going to lose everything- im- im better off dead. but i know thats not what she wants. and i know that i wouldnt be able to follow through anyway.