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Contains: smut, vaginal fingering, canon typical themes, angst, guilt, regret, push and pull dynamic, age gap (24&early 50s), broken promises, crying, hurt, comfort, emotionally unavailable love interest, reunion, fighting, panic
Wordcount: 7,091
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Amy
The next morning, Amy woke up with a headache that reached from her shoulder blades all the way up to the crown of her head.
Fuck… Maybe Joel really had been right about not drinking so much that she would be hungover the next day.
Speaking of, the other man was still beside her, sound asleep and snoring like a dinosaur. It was odd seeing him from up so close, and it was even stranger to be with him in such a tight space. The second thing she noticed was the sting in her core, which was an immediate reminiscence of what had happened last night. How Joel had touched her…
Amy bit down on her lip, turning onto her side while rubbing her thighs together. No, the ache between her legs might have been bad, perhaps even more painful than she had pictured it, but it had been worth it. Joel Miller had finally given in and had kissed her like she had wanted him to. And so much more than that.
Careful not to wake him up, Amy snuggled closer to him, resting her cheek against his broad shoulder and closing her eyes. She didn't really plan on dozing off again, but she relished being so close to him, smelling him and just knowing that he was right there next to her. She hoped, no, prayed, that this wasn't the first and last time she woke up like that. She definitely could get used to it…
Resting by his side, listening to his breathing, it wasn't long before Amy's thoughts drifted back to last night, first and foremost how his body had pressed her into the mat. Especially when he had orgasmed, and there had been nothing keeping him from putting his entire weight on her.
Her breath hitched in her throat, her pussy pulsing for the sole reason of the ardent memories. Some parts were a little blurry because it had been so late at night, but she remembered the most important things, for example his calloused hand cupping her face.
When Joel stirred next to her, Amy opened her eyes and felt her lips twist into a gentle, careful smile.
First, he just groaned lowly, his head bobbing weakly, but then his eyes opened slowly while she regarded him contentedly. For a beat, there was nothing in his face, just shallow emptiness. No joy, no warmth, but no rage or sadness either.
Amy's lips drew wider just in case he needed to see a gentle smile to set his mood in the morning, but it faded when she saw him draw a breath through his teeth and place his hand on his brow.
"Fuck."
"Are you okay?" she chuckled, although her tone was marked with uncertainty.
"Fuck…"
"Joel."
"I'm sorry, but you – you gotta get up. You gotta – you can't be here."
His hand found her shoulder reflexively, pushing her back to get some distance between their warm bodies.
"Are you being serious, Joel?"
His teeth ground, making him look angrier than he had before. Prior to this look, Amy had assumed he was panicky and erratic, but it seemed as though his emotions were more complex than that.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Joel's chest heaved heavier, his whole demeanor hanging by a thin thread. "For everythin'? You remember what happened last night, don't ya?"
"Yes."
Brows pinching together, startlement settled on Joel's face, which made him look like he had just seen a ghost.
"You know what happened and you just don't care about it?" He laughed coldly, causing frost to settle on her spine.
"I… No, I mean – I care about it but I don't think…"
"You don't think what?" Joel hissed, eyes flashing as though he were about to stretch out his arm and grab her. There was nothing left of the sleepiness, just blazing hot anger.
"I don't – think it's so bad."
"You don't think it's bad?" he repeated, then dipped his head forward so that he could rest its heavy weight on his palm. "I fucked up, Amy. I'm sorry."
"You know that I wanted it too," she began, still confused about why he was making such a huge deal out of it. Well, it was a huge deal to her too, if she were being honest, but not in this catastrophic, dramatic way that Joel portrayed it to be.
"You don't know what you want. I was supposed to be reasonable but instead I – Jesus fuckin' Christ. Jesus, I… I fucked up."
"You didn't fuck up…" Her fingers loosely brushed against the stitching of his shirt, attempting to soothe him, but Joel jolted backward like he had been electrocuted.
"I'm sorry, Amy. I shouldn't have done any of this. I shouldn't have – touched you, I shouldn't have… you know. And I shouldn't have done it like that. Fucking hell, I – I came inside ya…"
Another groan escaped his chest, shoulders slackening while Amy helplessly stared at his profile. Yes, she could understand why he was angry about this part of the memory, as it unsettled her a tad as well. The chances of her getting pregnant were low, especially because she didn't assume she was ovulating right now, but they were never zero. But aside from that… She didn't expect him to apologize, she didn't even want it.
"Joel. Joel, please look at me."
He did so, though with some delay. "I'm not angry at you. You don't have to apologize to me for anything. We were both drunk, you didn't – you didn't take advantage of me."
But Joel just shook his head a couple of times, pupils frantically scurrying over her expression as if to seek something within the soft lines that just wasn't there.
"You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to – to be fucked into some dirty sleeping bag like this."
"But I wanted it, Joel."
"It doesn't matter, you – it wasn't supposed to – no, you deserved better than – " Joel's eyes were closed, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip like he was physically suffering from having this conversation with her.
"Why do you get to decide what I deserve?"
Amy was just about to say his name again to get a reply to her question when his head abruptly straightened and his hands curled into fists.
"'Cause you can't decide for yourself. 'Cause I know that when it comes down to you makin' these decisions you're doin' the wrong thing."
"I really don't think – "
"No," Joel cut her off, making a dismissive hand gesture in her direction. "Just – Just go, alright? Go to your sleeping bag and get a bit more sleep. I need a moment."
Amy didn't know if he had seriously expected her to drop her head onto the ground and sleep for another two hours.
Whatever he had pictured in his mind, it didn't quite go this way, because a moment after Amy had grudgingly freed her feet from the bag, kicking the fabric away, she felt a pang go through the back of her head. A little while later it was this very sting that caused her eyes to stay open. Or maybe she was just telling herself that.
When Joel finally got up to make some coffee, the sun had risen and stood higher in the sky than it normally did when the two of them left their mats.
Amy quickly pushed her own sleeping bag away as well, then put on her shoes to join him like a lost puppy. He ignored her for the most part, just sitting in a chair, legs crossed and lips compressed while he took aggressive sips from his coffee. There was a second mug on the table, which Amy grabbed without saying a single word. After that, a silence stretched that was so cutting and uncomfortable that goosebumps rose on her forearms.
"You know, you say that you're sorry and that you feel like I deserve better, but then you start treating me like shit the day after you fucked me."
Her veins throbbed, a sour taste sneaking up her throat. Suddenly, Amy felt short of air, and before she could have any opportunity to stop it, tears were hanging over her vision like a thick, dense veil.
Silence pressed in. Joel's head was inclined forward and didn't move, like he hadn't heard her.
"I didn't – I don't know why you – Do you just – hate me now?"
Now his neck snapped around, his dark eyes piercing through her as his whole posture altered.
"I – don't. I don't hate you, what are you even sayin'?" Joel shifted forward, laying his hands flat on his thighs. "Fuck… don't cry, Amy, don't – "
The next thing she perceived was his scent in her nose, and a beat later his arms were around her, pulling her into a hug. It was firm and determined, leaving no room for any arguments, but it wasn't like Amy considered pulling back anyway. A small sob left her lips, her face finding his collarbone, which she nestled her cheek against.
"Why? You – We had sex and now – now you just – you hate me? You don't wanna talk to me anymore?"
His hold tightened. Joel was standing beside her, knees bent to be on the same level as her, but he didn't seem to mind the discomfort.
"I don't hate you, goddamnit… I don't. Please don't – don't ever think that again."
"But you – " she whimpered, attempting to lift her head from his chest, but Joel just held her down by her nape.
"I'm sorry. It's okay… I – I'm sorry about all of it. I fucked up so badly, sweetheart, and I – I keep doin' the wrong thing."
His thumb was drawing soothing circles over the back of her scalp, which worked wonders on calming her distressed nerves. When Joel knelt on the ground next to her, Amy immediately missed his proximity, but he was fast to make up for it by grabbing her hands.
"None of this is your fault. I want you to understand this. I'm mad, yes… But I'm mad at myself for everything that I've done. I – I'm gonna try 'n' be better at not letting it out on you, but even if I screw it up, I need you to know that you did nothin' wrong."
Amy peered down to where his thumb was caressing her hand. It was a nice gesture, and his skin felt warm and rough against hers.
"I can never let something like last night happen again."
Her head jerked up, eyes fixing on the concerned wrinkles between his brows. "Joel…"
"No. I know, Amy, but I just – can't. I'm gonna – try 'n' treat you normally. But I have to keep my distance."
"You didn't like it?" she whispered, eyes watering again.
"Jesus…" His head tilted until his brow touched the back of her hand, just very briefly, before he blinked a few times and sat upright.
"Of course I liked it. This is why it's gonna be so hard. This is why I was so mad today. I – gotta keep my distance so I won't be tempted again. And for the love of god, I need you to help me with it."
"How?" Amy breathed, though she wasn't sure she even wanted to know what to do so that he wouldn't want her again. Or, maybe she wanted to know just so that she could do the exact opposite.
"I need you to sleep in your own bed. I need you to stop lookin' at me like that."
"Stop looking at you like what?"
"Like… that." He groaned, the circles underneath his eyes greyer than they had ever been before. "Like you… like you do sometimes. When your eyes are so round 'n'… warm."
He sounded and looked exhausted, which caused Amy to feel pity for him, though she first and foremost just despised the direction this was heading.
"We just have to make it to Tommy. It's not gonna be much further. And then – then he's gonna help ya get to the Fireflies."
"Without you?" it snapped out of her, hands pushing against his palms with more force as though she were afraid he was about to abandon her before they had even arrived in Wyoming.
"What do you mean?"
"Are you gonna leave me with Tommy and the Fireflies?"
Joel sighed heavily and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. "I – I can't answer you that."
"I don't understand…" Again, fresh tears collected in the corners of her eyes even though she wished they would stay dry for once.
"I don't know. I just – don't know." His shoulders slackened. "Depends on if it's gonna be safe… If Tommy's gonna know what to do… And then – if it's gonna be safe, I should probably leave you with them."
"Probably," Amy repeated, the word provoking the stiff lines around his mouth to soften. The process was incredible to watch, his entire stance changing within a few seconds.
"Probably… yes. But I'm gonna make sure that you're safe. I'm gonna make sure that no one's gonna harm ya. You can trust Tommy. I can't vouch for the Fireflies of course, but I'm gonna do what I can."
Whereas Joel's face was gentle and relaxed, skin smooth now, Amy's expression closed off, her lips a tight line.
"Yeah, but maybe I'm not safe when you're not around."
"What do you mean? Hey, look at me." Although she refused at first, she couldn't avoid his gaze for long.
"Maybe I want you to come with me to the Fireflies, Joel. Maybe I – I'm not gonna feel safe when you leave me with Tommy or the Fireflies."
"You are," he insisted and squeezed her hands. "Tommy's gonna take care of you, he's a good guy. Almost as capable as me when it comes to guns 'n' rifles."
He grinned lightly, but Amy barely reacted, just swallowing hard as Joel drew a heavy breath.
"It's gonna be okay. I ain't just gonna leave you with people I don't trust. I ain't just gonna drop you by some street without bein' sure that you're safe and taken care of. I promise."
"You said that."
"Said what?"
She sniffled softly while a few silent tears rolled down her face, hitting the curve of her lips in probably quite the inelegant way. Gosh… She didn't want to imagine what she might look like with her red nose, flushed cheeks and swollen eyes.
"You – You promised me. Last night. Promised me that you wouldn't let go."
Joel barely showed any reaction on his face, but that was nothing new. All she could spot was a muscle ticking next to his eyebrow, that was it.
"Sweetheart…"
"Don't – call me that wh-when – when you refuse to – to touch me, Joel," Amy stammered, her hands and torso trembling so hard that Joel clamped her fingers tightly as if it would make the shivering stop if he pressed down hard enough.
"I am touchin' you, ain't I?" he growled and pointedly glanced at their laced hands.
"You k-know what I mean. You don't – you don't want me like that."
"For the last time…" Joel ground his teeth forcefully until they creaked, then straightened up on his knees to move his lips a little closer to her ear. "This ain't about what I want. 'Cause fuck yes, I want ya. Everything I said last night was true. This is about what's right and what we shouldn't do."
His tone became more tender as he kissed the side of her head, lips ghosting over her hair so briefly it might as well not have happened at all.
"I won't let go. Maybe not in the way that you want me to, but I'm still gonna protect you. Like before. I'm sorry for how I acted today. I know it was wrong, n' I didn't realize that I was punishin' you with it too. It's gonna stop. I promise, 'n' I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep ya safe, I'm gonna get ya to Tommy's. I just need you to promise not to make it any more difficult for me than it already is. Can you do that?"
"I guess," Amy whispered, her shoulders slackening like a lost, soaked poodle.
"Good. It's gonna be fine. I promise, just don't worry about it. I'm already worryin' for both of us. Don't need ya to do it too."
That finally elicited a dry, quiet chuckle from her, one that instantly transferred over to him and made his lips twist.
"There she is… You're gonna be fine. Alright?"
Amy nodded and for the moment believed it too. At least while Joel looked at her with such fondness.
Joel
The days passed quickly after that incident, and faster than he was able to process it, they had entered the state of Nebraska. At least that was what his map told him.
From that point forward, the weather became colder as they made their way north-west, the forests were scarcer and so was any sign of human life, which had its good and bad sides.
By the time they had traveled past Lincoln, Joel first strayed from his principles in a moment of weakness and let his composure slip.
The worst part about it was that he hadn't even been drunk that night.
It had been a cold night, yet the fire crackling in front of him and Amy had been so warm and comforting that neither of them had felt the urge to go to bed.
Throughout the evening, they had shifted closer to each other while some of the voices inside his head had justified his actions, claiming that they had to find a way not to freeze, and others had warned him to back off. But in the end, those voices had lost the wavering war, and as fate would have it, the worst of him had taken the reins over his behavior.
Amy had kissed him back passionately and had been fast to put her hands around his face. It appeared as though she acted extra quickly, knowing that feeling her small palms heating up his cheeks was one of his most dangerous sources of faltering.
That night, Joel had ended up fingering her to climax, which had caused him more joy than anything had in recent months. Amy had been sitting in his lap, legs snaked around his hips while his hand had slipped inside her pants and underwear, blindly and hastily finding her clit. Lips connected, tongues toying with each other, it had taken her no more than five minutes to climax, which Joel found was almost too easy.
Afterwards, he had licked her juices off his fingers just to get a taste of her. Sweet, salty and a little sour, that was how he would describe her. Amy had snuggled up against his chest like a satisfied cat, purring all night until she had fallen asleep, and Joel had carried her to his mat and tucked her into his sleeping bag.
He hadn't been able to bring himself to separate her from him that night, not while his failures from the last time he had been with her were still ringing in his ears. He had promised her not to let go, yet he had shoved her away the following morning like he had lost all interest. No, this time he would do it differently, that was what he had promised himself.
So the next morning, he didn't wake her when his lashes fluttered open with the first sunrays. He patiently lay next to her, not shifting away even though the guilt was all-consuming and ate him from within like a disease.
When Amy woke up, he tried his best, though. Part of him shouted and begged him for some peace, just an opportunity to take a deep breath, perhaps scream his lungs out until the noise was louder than his conscience, but he told himself that Amy was innocent. Over and over again. He would hurt her with his coldness and ruthless reserve, and that was something he had sworn to himself he would avoid at all costs.
So, Joel gave her a smile after she had opened her eyes, kissing her brow to distract her from the stress etched into his features. Aside from a shallow "Good morning," he didn't say a lot.
After that, the following days went by without any special events, and without any more intimate moments. He wasn't sure whether Amy had been aware that his loss of control was unplanned and reckless from the beginning, or if she had hoped that Joel had changed his mind after all, but the point was that she didn't make any advances the night after. She didn't shift closer to him, she didn't try to initiate any physical contact, and she didn't bring his careless actions up again. Which Joel was thankful for.
He already had enough on his plate trying to handle his regret and shutting up the tormenting voices in the back of his head that liked calling him a weak loser, a failure and a selfish bastard who was taking advantage of a young woman he shouldn't even feel drawn to. Let alone act upon his desires.
After that, Joel remained strict for a couple of days, which prompted the nagging voices to abate one by one.
The days went by quickly, and they were all so similar that Joel often forgot what day it was and whether the conversations he could remember having with Amy in the morning had happened today or yesterday.
As they drew closer to Wyoming, his nervousness and fear about whether they were going to find Tommy and whether he was going to be unharmed grew.
Joel liked to tell himself that it was the reason why he cracked again just a few days before they planned on crossing the border into Wyoming. The thoughts had been swirling and rotating in his head all day, his muscles tense and his breathing ragged, which was why Amy's gentle smile had been one too many.
He had kissed her nearly aggressively, but she had returned the ardent passion with the same urgency, throwing herself against him and almost prompting him to believe that she had missed it as much as he had. Secretly, of course.
Joel had fingered her again that night just because he had relished it so much last time. His cock had been straining against his pants painfully, and the idea of getting it out and feeling her hand pump his length had been enticing, but there were too many doubts and worries accompanying it. He didn't want to use her, he didn't want to be in a state that posed more risks of losing his composure in entirely new ways, and he wanted to avoid fucking her again at all costs.
Joel didn't know why. He had just promised himself not to do it a second time. Well, he had also promised himself not to touch her again, but for some reason his body didn't put up much of a fight that night when he found himself lying on top of her, one hand in her pants, the other lingering at her side.
Amy had whined his name so wonderfully that he couldn't stop thinking about having her like this every single night for the rest of his life. For that time, for the minutes it took to get her to cum for him, he was in heaven. At least that was how he pictured it, because he was in a place that was much too beautiful to be on Earth.
Joel was floating, felt light and carefree in a way he hadn't experienced in years. He figured that first and foremost, her moans and whimpers were what pleased him so much, but he also enjoyed being so close to her, kissing her lips and whispering dirty things in her ear. Things that only referred to what he was doing right now.
Sometimes, his mind drifted off to different actions, actions he had sworn to himself he wouldn't act out with her. To spare her the pain of watching him break yet another promise, he kept that to himself and focused on how warm and wet her pussy was for him.
Joel had tensed up once when Amy had rocked her core against his cock, which she most certainly had felt hardening in his jeans throughout their session. Without saying a word, he had quickly tightened his grasp around her hip and kept her pinned to the floor while toying with her clit.
Afterwards, she had offered, nearly begged Joel to do something else, preferably help him get off too, but for Joel that was out of the question. Making her orgasm, he could at least tell himself that he was helping her release stress when it came to legitimizing his behavior, but he didn't want to burden himself with a new surge of guilt.
The following day was nearly exactly the same as last time.
Waking up next to each other. No mention of his fingers circling her bundle of nerves a few hours prior. Joel being not very talkative but putting in much effort to act normally.
When the two companions finally reached the state of Wyoming, snow was covering the earth and most lakes they were walking past were frozen. Amy once asked to step on the ice and skid along the slippery surface with that glow in her eyes, but Joel had quickly shaken his head and grabbed her by her wrist, ensuring she wouldn't go anywhere near that dangerous place.
Now, they were passing yet another one of those grand lakes, though this one wasn't covered with a thick layer of ice.
"Joel, you have to let me."
"Mhm?" He had been lost in thought and now turned his neck around, taking in her longing stance.
"The ice surface. I've never ice skated before."
"You ain't got any ice skates. All you would be doin' is fall on your nose."
He picked up the pace a little, hoping Amy would comply and follow him rather than daydreaming about something she couldn't experience anyway.
"Are we gonna go into the city? To find Tommy."
"Yeah," Joel hummed and stuffed his hands into his front pockets, feeling the cold creep up his wrists like icy vines. "We are. But we're gonna avoid most of the towns to the east."
"Why?"
"Too many infected."
"Well…" Amy smirked, challengingly wriggling her brows. "I'm immune, am I not?"
"Right. So you'd rather have me get bit and then rip ya to death?"
"Well, I'm gonna shoot you before I let that happen…" Amy scoffed but puckered her lips in defeat.
"Oh yeah? And then? You're gonna get into the city and find Tommy how? Are you gonna look out for someone who looks like me?"
"Does he?" she asked and tilted her head a little to look up at him, studying his features like she was trying to imagine what his little brother might look like.
"A little, I guess. More when we were younger. And wore our hair the same."
Amy was clearly about to reply, her lips already parted, when a distant noise made Joel halt and thrust his arm out.
His ears sharpened.
Obviously, there were still nature's sounds out here, like the chirping of birds, wolves and other animals, but this…
His hand in front of Amy's chest flexed, making sure she knew what to do. No moving, no trying to curiously glance at the horses galloping in their direction.
Joel's other hand flew to his holster, but as the people on their horses drew close enough he realized that surrender was their more promising path out of this. Therefore, he raised his hands and caught a glimpse of Amy, nodding his head as he saw her do the same.
"We're just passin' through these lands!" Joel yelled before any of the riders could say something, his eyes trailing over the heavily loaded weapons in their hands. Whoever they might be, they were part of a group, owning so many supplies.
"What are you doing here? You're on a suicide mission traveling through these lands."
The words had come from the woman leading the group. She wore a scarf over the lower part of her face which only allowed for her eyes to be seen. Piercing dark brown eyes.
"You mean 'cause of the infected?" Joel questioned, then took a step back when the woman lifted her rifle. "Don't shoot. Please. We mean no harm."
He glanced over his shoulder again, taking in Amy's creased brow, her glimmering eyes and the look of helplessness she gave him.
"Check them."
The words were directed to one of the men behind her, seated on a tall brown horse. At her command, he whistled, and a moment later three grey dogs were sprinting through the snow, sending water drops spurting in all directions.
Joel's breath hitched, his knees shaky while the dogs approached him slowly. He wasn't the problem, of course he wasn't. All those dogs would be able to smell on him was sweat and coffee.
But Amy.
His heart skipped a beat and there was a ringing in his ears as he watched the dogs sniff at his shoes. He had to do something before they barked at Amy, attacked her, maybe even bit her.
His neck turned slowly, though he regretted the action an instant later.
She was so fucking scared, it made his throat swell with fear.
Part of him had hoped that perhaps she had gone through a procedure like that before and knew how to trick dogs into believing that the virus didn't live within her, but she appeared to be just as startled as he was.
He tried to mouth something in her direction, but he didn't know what.
Fuck, he felt like his knees were about to give out. His stomach churned, a chilly shudder undulating through his spine.
He blinked and realized that he had closed his eyes, because now that he opened them, the sight before him was a different one than it had been before.
Amy was kneeling on the ground on one knee, chuckling while her hands petted one of the three dogs that were all circling her excitedly.
"Joel, look at that," she grinned and spread out her arms as though to invite all three of them to nudge their noses against her.
He couldn't speak. Amy might have processed the shock quickly, but his muscles still felt numb and he needed to swallow a few times before he could respond to the woman's next question.
"This has just bought the two of you five seconds, so I'm gonna ask you again: What are you doing out here?"
Since just passing through the lands didn't count as an answer, Joel sighed and dropped his shoulders.
"We… I mean, I'm looking for my brother."
"Your brother?" she said, sounding surprised for the first time.
"Yeah. We wanna head to the city and look for him. That's all, I promise."
"You got a brother… What's his name?"
Her horse came a little closer, provoking Joel to take a step back, his eyes flicking worriedly to Amy who had straightened up to witness the conversation.
"Tommy."
For a while, nothing happened except for the dogs' howling. They were sniffing his soles, probably hoping to be rewarded with some love from him as well, but he was too tense to give them any attention.
"Tommy," the woman repeated and then, to his great surprise, pulled down the scarf around her face.
"Well, Joel, I think I got something to show you then."
Ten minutes later, Joel sat on a horse that one of the guys in the group had graciously entrusted them with while he had taken a seat behind one of his friends. Amy's arms were tightly wrapped around his torso, her chin poking into his back, but he didn't mind the pressure enough to consider asking her to adjust her position behind him.
"Are these dogs just dumb?" she whispered after a while of slowly trotting beside the others.
"Quiet," Joel hissed and clenched his jaw.
"Seriously? They can't hear this, Joel. Besides, maybe I should tell them. I mean, we have to tell Tommy, right? He's gonna wanna know what we need to find the Fireflies for…"
"Jesus, you gotta shut it. And no, we're not gonna tell anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. We don't know how they might react. They might be scared… Or just react without thinkin' about it."
Amy extended her neck to sweep her gaze across Joel's beard. "So what's the plan?"
"The plan is, we meet Tommy, I'm gonna tell 'im that we need to get in contact with the Fireflies and we hope that he can help us."
"But didn't Maria just say that he isn't – "
"I know what Maria said…" Joel grunted and scrunched his nose. "He ain't with 'em. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't know where they are."
"Okay…" Amy murmured, nudging her chin closer to his shoulder. "But this is good, isn't it?"
A short silence settled, Joel's chest heaving subtly.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
His stomach flipped. He was almost certain he could hear a smile in her voice, but he didn't dare glance over his shoulder. Neither of them defined precisely what exactly was good, but even if they meant two different things, it didn't matter.
Yes, it was good. Joel was about to reunite with his brother, whose life he had feared for in his darkest hours.
And then there was Amy. Safely behind him on the back of the horse, arms slung so tightly around his torso as though she wanted to emphasize that she was there, and that she wasn't going to let go.
There was still so much shit to figure out, and the memories of the past weeks, the times he had failed her when he had connected their lips under the night sky were still at the top of his mind, but for now, Joel actively chose not to get caught up in his own head.
As they approached the destination of their ride, Joel spotted a massive perimeter wall that looked so out of place amid the snowy landscape and the sparse pine and spruce forests. There were watchtowers with armed guards on top, immense gates locked to any unwanted visitor.
But it seemed like for now, Joel and Amy were welcome, because at Maria's signal and the lifting of a blue flag, the gate opened and the two of them rode past the threshold.
"Wow…" Amy breathed, scanning the scene unfolding in front of her eyes just as Joel did.
Although he didn't say anything, he was just as impressed as she was.
This wasn't just a settlement, a group of survivors who had come together to protect each other. It was a town, a community with decorated houses, roads, chimneys and lanterns. There were children playing in the street, people greeting their neighbors as they walked back into their houses, couples strolling down the sidewalk. It looked oddly normal. Almost unsettlingly normal.
"Welcome to Jackson," Maria smiled, glancing over her shoulder and chuckling at Joel and Amy's bemused expressions.
"This is… This is amazing," Amy reverently whispered, her voice so close to his ear that he turned around to shoot her a look.
"What?" she indignantly snorted, meeting his gaze.
"Nothin'."
While the other members of the small group turned at different street corners, Maria led Joel and Amy to a construction site where three men and two women were fixing a building that looked like a city hall or something. Joel's eyes stopped on a full head of dark brown locks…
"Tommy," he breathed and quickly slid off his horse.
"Tommy!" he then yelled, stopping a few steps later while the man turned around, responding to his name.
As he set into motion again, jogging toward his brother, the world around him fell silent and even the remarkable little town those people had built for themselves didn't impress him any longer.
"How the fuck did you find me?" was the first thing his little brother laughed in his ear while their arms wrapped around each other's backs.
"I… I just travelled across the whole fuckin' continent."
Even though it wasn't a lie, the two of them laughed loudly. Joel's eyes were a little wet as he pulled back, his head shaking as he didn't know where to start with his countless questions, his own news, or how glad he was that Tommy was alive.
"Jesus…" his brother, who seemed to feel similarly, huffed and placed his hand on his shoulder.
"I got a lot to tell ya. Shit, Tommy…"
"So do I… But first, you want us to give ya a tour?"
Joel's neck twisted, his eyes finding Amy who was still on top of the horse.
"Yeah… Yes, of course."
While he waited for her to climb off the animal, his arm automatically thrusting out to support her, he felt Tommy's eyes prickling on his profile. Clearly, he had a lot of questions about his sudden appearance, and perhaps more so regarding his company. It would be easy to explain, right? He just had to bring up Marlene, her insane plan to smuggle Amy out of the QZ… Tess. No, he wasn't eager to tell Tommy about that part of the story.
"Tommy, this… this is Amy. Amy, s'my brother."
"Hi," she smiled broadly and offered him her hand, which his brother took with an amused scoff.
"Hi. Nice to meet ya. You…"
"S'a long story," Joel cut him off before he could ask any uncomfortable questions, then briefly rested his hand on the small of Amy's back to guide her as they followed Tommy.
"You bastard…" Joel sneered and rotated the glass a few times, watching as the liquid spun like a vortex.
"Yeah, well… What can I say? Next on my list is brewing my own beer."
His head shook a few times as he set his glass of whiskey back on the wooden counter. Softly, like the liquid was too precious to be careless with.
"So this is what you're doin' nowadays? Ridin' on horses, producin' alcohol and goin' on Christmas parties?"
The large fir tree in the center of town had been remarkable and reason enough for Amy to stop and crane her neck to take in the entire height.
"I mean… We have a comfortable life 'ere. Better than it's ever been since the day of the outbreak. We… We're a community. We stick together. I can finally do some good here in this town. Be useful and – and use my skills for something good."
"Oh yeah?" Joel snorted and planted his palms on the surface, lowering his head. "So you're on some kinda redemption path?"
"You know what I mean…"
"I guess so," he scoffed, although he wasn't sure he understood entirely.
"What's with the girl? Amy. Who is she?"
The question had been unavoidable, though that fact didn't make it any more comfortable. Joel had no clue why he had been so anxious to hear Tommy ask about her. He didn't have to know anything about their complicated relationship unless Joel wanted to tell him about it.
"Amy, she… I met 'er in Boston. Through Marlene. She wanted me to get 'er outside the QZ and to another camp a few miles away. Well, that didn't quite work, so I'm tryin' to find the Firefly camp in this area. Which I need you for."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
Tommy, who had previously been standing beside the counter, sat back down on a chair, scratching his beard. "Why did Marlene wanna get 'er to a Firefly camp?"
"I don't know… Just Firefly stuff. You know about that best, don't ya?"
His brother grinned, although it came off forced.
"Anyways, I need ya to take 'er there, Tommy. Can you do that?"
To his great surprise, Tommy didn't reply at once.
"Tommy?"
"I heard ya, Joel."
"Well, are you gonna do it? It can be like the good ol' times. You and me… Out in the wild… Killin' some infected."
This time, he couldn't pretend that he didn't notice the stiffness around Tommy's mouth, which caused his brow to crease. "What's wrong? You're not gonna help me?"
"I wanna help ya, Joel… Just – not like this."
"What do you mean?"
Finally, his brother's shoulders slackened in defeat, a heavy exhale leaving his throat.
"I… I can't do stuff like that anymore."
"Why, 'cause of your redemption path? Did you join some cult that promises never to harm a fly?"
"Joel."
"What?" he snapped, biting his inner cheek in irritation. "What's the problem?"
"I… Maria's pregnant."
A stillness passed between them during which Tommy averted his gaze. He looked down at the wood, but his nervousness was tangible in the way his thumb drew circles over his glass.
"What?"
"Yeah," Tommy chuckled quietly. "I could barely believe it. I… I can't believe I'm being given that chance."
That last part of his sentence set something off in him, but before he could dig deeper, his brother continued talking.
"I'm so nervous. But so excited as well. Maria is three months along. I… I can't believe it. But I think I'm gonna be a good dad."
Joel released a breath he hadn't been aware he had been holding.
"I guess we'll find out."
The light went out of Tommy's expression so suddenly that a cold shiver ran down his spine.
"I guess we'll find out? Are you kiddin' me, is that all you gotta say about it?"
"Well, what do you want me to say? Congratulations?"
Tommy's dark eyes flashed, the lines around his mouth thin and distinct. "Yes. Yes, Joel, that's what you're supposed to say."
Joel's throat tightened, a muscle right next to his eye twitching.
"Right... We'll grab some supplies, then we'll be outta your hair in the mornin'."
He didn't know if there was something else his brother had meant to add.
He rushed out of the door before he could catch any change in his brother's expression.
Contains: smut, vaginal fingering, canon typical themes, angst, guilt, regret, push and pull dynamic, age gap (24&early 50s), broken promises, crying, hurt, comfort, emotionally unavailable love interest, reunion, fighting, panic
Wordcount: 7,091
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Amy
The next morning, Amy woke up with a headache that reached from her shoulder blades all the way up to the crown of her head.
Fuck… Maybe Joel really had been right about not drinking so much that she would be hungover the next day.
Speaking of, the other man was still beside her, sound asleep and snoring like a dinosaur. It was odd seeing him from up so close, and it was even stranger to be with him in such a tight space. The second thing she noticed was the sting in her core, which was an immediate reminiscence of what had happened last night. How Joel had touched her…
Amy bit down on her lip, turning onto her side while rubbing her thighs together. No, the ache between her legs might have been bad, perhaps even more painful than she had pictured it, but it had been worth it. Joel Miller had finally given in and had kissed her like she had wanted him to. And so much more than that.
Careful not to wake him up, Amy snuggled closer to him, resting her cheek against his broad shoulder and closing her eyes. She didn't really plan on dozing off again, but she relished being so close to him, smelling him and just knowing that he was right there next to her. She hoped, no, prayed, that this wasn't the first and last time she woke up like that. She definitely could get used to it…
Resting by his side, listening to his breathing, it wasn't long before Amy's thoughts drifted back to last night, first and foremost how his body had pressed her into the mat. Especially when he had orgasmed, and there had been nothing keeping him from putting his entire weight on her.
Her breath hitched in her throat, her pussy pulsing for the sole reason of the ardent memories. Some parts were a little blurry because it had been so late at night, but she remembered the most important things, for example his calloused hand cupping her face.
When Joel stirred next to her, Amy opened her eyes and felt her lips twist into a gentle, careful smile.
First, he just groaned lowly, his head bobbing weakly, but then his eyes opened slowly while she regarded him contentedly. For a beat, there was nothing in his face, just shallow emptiness. No joy, no warmth, but no rage or sadness either.
Amy's lips drew wider just in case he needed to see a gentle smile to set his mood in the morning, but it faded when she saw him draw a breath through his teeth and place his hand on his brow.
"Fuck."
"Are you okay?" she chuckled, although her tone was marked with uncertainty.
"Fuck…"
"Joel."
"I'm sorry, but you – you gotta get up. You gotta – you can't be here."
His hand found her shoulder reflexively, pushing her back to get some distance between their warm bodies.
"Are you being serious, Joel?"
His teeth ground, making him look angrier than he had before. Prior to this look, Amy had assumed he was panicky and erratic, but it seemed as though his emotions were more complex than that.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Joel's chest heaved heavier, his whole demeanor hanging by a thin thread. "For everythin'? You remember what happened last night, don't ya?"
"Yes."
Brows pinching together, startlement settled on Joel's face, which made him look like he had just seen a ghost.
"You know what happened and you just don't care about it?" He laughed coldly, causing frost to settle on her spine.
"I… No, I mean – I care about it but I don't think…"
"You don't think what?" Joel hissed, eyes flashing as though he were about to stretch out his arm and grab her. There was nothing left of the sleepiness, just blazing hot anger.
"I don't – think it's so bad."
"You don't think it's bad?" he repeated, then dipped his head forward so that he could rest its heavy weight on his palm. "I fucked up, Amy. I'm sorry."
"You know that I wanted it too," she began, still confused about why he was making such a huge deal out of it. Well, it was a huge deal to her too, if she were being honest, but not in this catastrophic, dramatic way that Joel portrayed it to be.
"You don't know what you want. I was supposed to be reasonable but instead I – Jesus fuckin' Christ. Jesus, I… I fucked up."
"You didn't fuck up…" Her fingers loosely brushed against the stitching of his shirt, attempting to soothe him, but Joel jolted backward like he had been electrocuted.
"I'm sorry, Amy. I shouldn't have done any of this. I shouldn't have – touched you, I shouldn't have… you know. And I shouldn't have done it like that. Fucking hell, I – I came inside ya…"
Another groan escaped his chest, shoulders slackening while Amy helplessly stared at his profile. Yes, she could understand why he was angry about this part of the memory, as it unsettled her a tad as well. The chances of her getting pregnant were low, especially because she didn't assume she was ovulating right now, but they were never zero. But aside from that… She didn't expect him to apologize, she didn't even want it.
"Joel. Joel, please look at me."
He did so, though with some delay. "I'm not angry at you. You don't have to apologize to me for anything. We were both drunk, you didn't – you didn't take advantage of me."
But Joel just shook his head a couple of times, pupils frantically scurrying over her expression as if to seek something within the soft lines that just wasn't there.
"You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to – to be fucked into some dirty sleeping bag like this."
"But I wanted it, Joel."
"It doesn't matter, you – it wasn't supposed to – no, you deserved better than – " Joel's eyes were closed, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip like he was physically suffering from having this conversation with her.
"Why do you get to decide what I deserve?"
Amy was just about to say his name again to get a reply to her question when his head abruptly straightened and his hands curled into fists.
"'Cause you can't decide for yourself. 'Cause I know that when it comes down to you makin' these decisions you're doin' the wrong thing."
"I really don't think – "
"No," Joel cut her off, making a dismissive hand gesture in her direction. "Just – Just go, alright? Go to your sleeping bag and get a bit more sleep. I need a moment."
Amy didn't know if he had seriously expected her to drop her head onto the ground and sleep for another two hours.
Whatever he had pictured in his mind, it didn't quite go this way, because a moment after Amy had grudgingly freed her feet from the bag, kicking the fabric away, she felt a pang go through the back of her head. A little while later it was this very sting that caused her eyes to stay open. Or maybe she was just telling herself that.
When Joel finally got up to make some coffee, the sun had risen and stood higher in the sky than it normally did when the two of them left their mats.
Amy quickly pushed her own sleeping bag away as well, then put on her shoes to join him like a lost puppy. He ignored her for the most part, just sitting in a chair, legs crossed and lips compressed while he took aggressive sips from his coffee. There was a second mug on the table, which Amy grabbed without saying a single word. After that, a silence stretched that was so cutting and uncomfortable that goosebumps rose on her forearms.
"You know, you say that you're sorry and that you feel like I deserve better, but then you start treating me like shit the day after you fucked me."
Her veins throbbed, a sour taste sneaking up her throat. Suddenly, Amy felt short of air, and before she could have any opportunity to stop it, tears were hanging over her vision like a thick, dense veil.
Silence pressed in. Joel's head was inclined forward and didn't move, like he hadn't heard her.
"I didn't – I don't know why you – Do you just – hate me now?"
Now his neck snapped around, his dark eyes piercing through her as his whole posture altered.
"I – don't. I don't hate you, what are you even sayin'?" Joel shifted forward, laying his hands flat on his thighs. "Fuck… don't cry, Amy, don't – "
The next thing she perceived was his scent in her nose, and a beat later his arms were around her, pulling her into a hug. It was firm and determined, leaving no room for any arguments, but it wasn't like Amy considered pulling back anyway. A small sob left her lips, her face finding his collarbone, which she nestled her cheek against.
"Why? You – We had sex and now – now you just – you hate me? You don't wanna talk to me anymore?"
His hold tightened. Joel was standing beside her, knees bent to be on the same level as her, but he didn't seem to mind the discomfort.
"I don't hate you, goddamnit… I don't. Please don't – don't ever think that again."
"But you – " she whimpered, attempting to lift her head from his chest, but Joel just held her down by her nape.
"I'm sorry. It's okay… I – I'm sorry about all of it. I fucked up so badly, sweetheart, and I – I keep doin' the wrong thing."
His thumb was drawing soothing circles over the back of her scalp, which worked wonders on calming her distressed nerves. When Joel knelt on the ground next to her, Amy immediately missed his proximity, but he was fast to make up for it by grabbing her hands.
"None of this is your fault. I want you to understand this. I'm mad, yes… But I'm mad at myself for everything that I've done. I – I'm gonna try 'n' be better at not letting it out on you, but even if I screw it up, I need you to know that you did nothin' wrong."
Amy peered down to where his thumb was caressing her hand. It was a nice gesture, and his skin felt warm and rough against hers.
"I can never let something like last night happen again."
Her head jerked up, eyes fixing on the concerned wrinkles between his brows. "Joel…"
"No. I know, Amy, but I just – can't. I'm gonna – try 'n' treat you normally. But I have to keep my distance."
"You didn't like it?" she whispered, eyes watering again.
"Jesus…" His head tilted until his brow touched the back of her hand, just very briefly, before he blinked a few times and sat upright.
"Of course I liked it. This is why it's gonna be so hard. This is why I was so mad today. I – gotta keep my distance so I won't be tempted again. And for the love of god, I need you to help me with it."
"How?" Amy breathed, though she wasn't sure she even wanted to know what to do so that he wouldn't want her again. Or, maybe she wanted to know just so that she could do the exact opposite.
"I need you to sleep in your own bed. I need you to stop lookin' at me like that."
"Stop looking at you like what?"
"Like… that." He groaned, the circles underneath his eyes greyer than they had ever been before. "Like you… like you do sometimes. When your eyes are so round 'n'… warm."
He sounded and looked exhausted, which caused Amy to feel pity for him, though she first and foremost just despised the direction this was heading.
"We just have to make it to Tommy. It's not gonna be much further. And then – then he's gonna help ya get to the Fireflies."
"Without you?" it snapped out of her, hands pushing against his palms with more force as though she were afraid he was about to abandon her before they had even arrived in Wyoming.
"What do you mean?"
"Are you gonna leave me with Tommy and the Fireflies?"
Joel sighed heavily and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. "I – I can't answer you that."
"I don't understand…" Again, fresh tears collected in the corners of her eyes even though she wished they would stay dry for once.
"I don't know. I just – don't know." His shoulders slackened. "Depends on if it's gonna be safe… If Tommy's gonna know what to do… And then – if it's gonna be safe, I should probably leave you with them."
"Probably," Amy repeated, the word provoking the stiff lines around his mouth to soften. The process was incredible to watch, his entire stance changing within a few seconds.
"Probably… yes. But I'm gonna make sure that you're safe. I'm gonna make sure that no one's gonna harm ya. You can trust Tommy. I can't vouch for the Fireflies of course, but I'm gonna do what I can."
Whereas Joel's face was gentle and relaxed, skin smooth now, Amy's expression closed off, her lips a tight line.
"Yeah, but maybe I'm not safe when you're not around."
"What do you mean? Hey, look at me." Although she refused at first, she couldn't avoid his gaze for long.
"Maybe I want you to come with me to the Fireflies, Joel. Maybe I – I'm not gonna feel safe when you leave me with Tommy or the Fireflies."
"You are," he insisted and squeezed her hands. "Tommy's gonna take care of you, he's a good guy. Almost as capable as me when it comes to guns 'n' rifles."
He grinned lightly, but Amy barely reacted, just swallowing hard as Joel drew a heavy breath.
"It's gonna be okay. I ain't just gonna leave you with people I don't trust. I ain't just gonna drop you by some street without bein' sure that you're safe and taken care of. I promise."
"You said that."
"Said what?"
She sniffled softly while a few silent tears rolled down her face, hitting the curve of her lips in probably quite the inelegant way. Gosh… She didn't want to imagine what she might look like with her red nose, flushed cheeks and swollen eyes.
"You – You promised me. Last night. Promised me that you wouldn't let go."
Joel barely showed any reaction on his face, but that was nothing new. All she could spot was a muscle ticking next to his eyebrow, that was it.
"Sweetheart…"
"Don't – call me that wh-when – when you refuse to – to touch me, Joel," Amy stammered, her hands and torso trembling so hard that Joel clamped her fingers tightly as if it would make the shivering stop if he pressed down hard enough.
"I am touchin' you, ain't I?" he growled and pointedly glanced at their laced hands.
"You k-know what I mean. You don't – you don't want me like that."
"For the last time…" Joel ground his teeth forcefully until they creaked, then straightened up on his knees to move his lips a little closer to her ear. "This ain't about what I want. 'Cause fuck yes, I want ya. Everything I said last night was true. This is about what's right and what we shouldn't do."
His tone became more tender as he kissed the side of her head, lips ghosting over her hair so briefly it might as well not have happened at all.
"I won't let go. Maybe not in the way that you want me to, but I'm still gonna protect you. Like before. I'm sorry for how I acted today. I know it was wrong, n' I didn't realize that I was punishin' you with it too. It's gonna stop. I promise, 'n' I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep ya safe, I'm gonna get ya to Tommy's. I just need you to promise not to make it any more difficult for me than it already is. Can you do that?"
"I guess," Amy whispered, her shoulders slackening like a lost, soaked poodle.
"Good. It's gonna be fine. I promise, just don't worry about it. I'm already worryin' for both of us. Don't need ya to do it too."
That finally elicited a dry, quiet chuckle from her, one that instantly transferred over to him and made his lips twist.
"There she is… You're gonna be fine. Alright?"
Amy nodded and for the moment believed it too. At least while Joel looked at her with such fondness.
Joel
The days passed quickly after that incident, and faster than he was able to process it, they had entered the state of Nebraska. At least that was what his map told him.
From that point forward, the weather became colder as they made their way north-west, the forests were scarcer and so was any sign of human life, which had its good and bad sides.
By the time they had traveled past Lincoln, Joel first strayed from his principles in a moment of weakness and let his composure slip.
The worst part about it was that he hadn't even been drunk that night.
It had been a cold night, yet the fire crackling in front of him and Amy had been so warm and comforting that neither of them had felt the urge to go to bed.
Throughout the evening, they had shifted closer to each other while some of the voices inside his head had justified his actions, claiming that they had to find a way not to freeze, and others had warned him to back off. But in the end, those voices had lost the wavering war, and as fate would have it, the worst of him had taken the reins over his behavior.
Amy had kissed him back passionately and had been fast to put her hands around his face. It appeared as though she acted extra quickly, knowing that feeling her small palms heating up his cheeks was one of his most dangerous sources of faltering.
That night, Joel had ended up fingering her to climax, which had caused him more joy than anything had in recent months. Amy had been sitting in his lap, legs snaked around his hips while his hand had slipped inside her pants and underwear, blindly and hastily finding her clit. Lips connected, tongues toying with each other, it had taken her no more than five minutes to climax, which Joel found was almost too easy.
Afterwards, he had licked her juices off his fingers just to get a taste of her. Sweet, salty and a little sour, that was how he would describe her. Amy had snuggled up against his chest like a satisfied cat, purring all night until she had fallen asleep, and Joel had carried her to his mat and tucked her into his sleeping bag.
He hadn't been able to bring himself to separate her from him that night, not while his failures from the last time he had been with her were still ringing in his ears. He had promised her not to let go, yet he had shoved her away the following morning like he had lost all interest. No, this time he would do it differently, that was what he had promised himself.
So the next morning, he didn't wake her when his lashes fluttered open with the first sunrays. He patiently lay next to her, not shifting away even though the guilt was all-consuming and ate him from within like a disease.
When Amy woke up, he tried his best, though. Part of him shouted and begged him for some peace, just an opportunity to take a deep breath, perhaps scream his lungs out until the noise was louder than his conscience, but he told himself that Amy was innocent. Over and over again. He would hurt her with his coldness and ruthless reserve, and that was something he had sworn to himself he would avoid at all costs.
So, Joel gave her a smile after she had opened her eyes, kissing her brow to distract her from the stress etched into his features. Aside from a shallow "Good morning," he didn't say a lot.
After that, the following days went by without any special events, and without any more intimate moments. He wasn't sure whether Amy had been aware that his loss of control was unplanned and reckless from the beginning, or if she had hoped that Joel had changed his mind after all, but the point was that she didn't make any advances the night after. She didn't shift closer to him, she didn't try to initiate any physical contact, and she didn't bring his careless actions up again. Which Joel was thankful for.
He already had enough on his plate trying to handle his regret and shutting up the tormenting voices in the back of his head that liked calling him a weak loser, a failure and a selfish bastard who was taking advantage of a young woman he shouldn't even feel drawn to. Let alone act upon his desires.
After that, Joel remained strict for a couple of days, which prompted the nagging voices to abate one by one.
The days went by quickly, and they were all so similar that Joel often forgot what day it was and whether the conversations he could remember having with Amy in the morning had happened today or yesterday.
As they drew closer to Wyoming, his nervousness and fear about whether they were going to find Tommy and whether he was going to be unharmed grew.
Joel liked to tell himself that it was the reason why he cracked again just a few days before they planned on crossing the border into Wyoming. The thoughts had been swirling and rotating in his head all day, his muscles tense and his breathing ragged, which was why Amy's gentle smile had been one too many.
He had kissed her nearly aggressively, but she had returned the ardent passion with the same urgency, throwing herself against him and almost prompting him to believe that she had missed it as much as he had. Secretly, of course.
Joel had fingered her again that night just because he had relished it so much last time. His cock had been straining against his pants painfully, and the idea of getting it out and feeling her hand pump his length had been enticing, but there were too many doubts and worries accompanying it. He didn't want to use her, he didn't want to be in a state that posed more risks of losing his composure in entirely new ways, and he wanted to avoid fucking her again at all costs.
Joel didn't know why. He had just promised himself not to do it a second time. Well, he had also promised himself not to touch her again, but for some reason his body didn't put up much of a fight that night when he found himself lying on top of her, one hand in her pants, the other lingering at her side.
Amy had whined his name so wonderfully that he couldn't stop thinking about having her like this every single night for the rest of his life. For that time, for the minutes it took to get her to cum for him, he was in heaven. At least that was how he pictured it, because he was in a place that was much too beautiful to be on Earth.
Joel was floating, felt light and carefree in a way he hadn't experienced in years. He figured that first and foremost, her moans and whimpers were what pleased him so much, but he also enjoyed being so close to her, kissing her lips and whispering dirty things in her ear. Things that only referred to what he was doing right now.
Sometimes, his mind drifted off to different actions, actions he had sworn to himself he wouldn't act out with her. To spare her the pain of watching him break yet another promise, he kept that to himself and focused on how warm and wet her pussy was for him.
Joel had tensed up once when Amy had rocked her core against his cock, which she most certainly had felt hardening in his jeans throughout their session. Without saying a word, he had quickly tightened his grasp around her hip and kept her pinned to the floor while toying with her clit.
Afterwards, she had offered, nearly begged Joel to do something else, preferably help him get off too, but for Joel that was out of the question. Making her orgasm, he could at least tell himself that he was helping her release stress when it came to legitimizing his behavior, but he didn't want to burden himself with a new surge of guilt.
The following day was nearly exactly the same as last time.
Waking up next to each other. No mention of his fingers circling her bundle of nerves a few hours prior. Joel being not very talkative but putting in much effort to act normally.
When the two companions finally reached the state of Wyoming, snow was covering the earth and most lakes they were walking past were frozen. Amy once asked to step on the ice and skid along the slippery surface with that glow in her eyes, but Joel had quickly shaken his head and grabbed her by her wrist, ensuring she wouldn't go anywhere near that dangerous place.
Now, they were passing yet another one of those grand lakes, though this one wasn't covered with a thick layer of ice.
"Joel, you have to let me."
"Mhm?" He had been lost in thought and now turned his neck around, taking in her longing stance.
"The ice surface. I've never ice skated before."
"You ain't got any ice skates. All you would be doin' is fall on your nose."
He picked up the pace a little, hoping Amy would comply and follow him rather than daydreaming about something she couldn't experience anyway.
"Are we gonna go into the city? To find Tommy."
"Yeah," Joel hummed and stuffed his hands into his front pockets, feeling the cold creep up his wrists like icy vines. "We are. But we're gonna avoid most of the towns to the east."
"Why?"
"Too many infected."
"Well…" Amy smirked, challengingly wriggling her brows. "I'm immune, am I not?"
"Right. So you'd rather have me get bit and then rip ya to death?"
"Well, I'm gonna shoot you before I let that happen…" Amy scoffed but puckered her lips in defeat.
"Oh yeah? And then? You're gonna get into the city and find Tommy how? Are you gonna look out for someone who looks like me?"
"Does he?" she asked and tilted her head a little to look up at him, studying his features like she was trying to imagine what his little brother might look like.
"A little, I guess. More when we were younger. And wore our hair the same."
Amy was clearly about to reply, her lips already parted, when a distant noise made Joel halt and thrust his arm out.
His ears sharpened.
Obviously, there were still nature's sounds out here, like the chirping of birds, wolves and other animals, but this…
His hand in front of Amy's chest flexed, making sure she knew what to do. No moving, no trying to curiously glance at the horses galloping in their direction.
Joel's other hand flew to his holster, but as the people on their horses drew close enough he realized that surrender was their more promising path out of this. Therefore, he raised his hands and caught a glimpse of Amy, nodding his head as he saw her do the same.
"We're just passin' through these lands!" Joel yelled before any of the riders could say something, his eyes trailing over the heavily loaded weapons in their hands. Whoever they might be, they were part of a group, owning so many supplies.
"What are you doing here? You're on a suicide mission traveling through these lands."
The words had come from the woman leading the group. She wore a scarf over the lower part of her face which only allowed for her eyes to be seen. Piercing dark brown eyes.
"You mean 'cause of the infected?" Joel questioned, then took a step back when the woman lifted her rifle. "Don't shoot. Please. We mean no harm."
He glanced over his shoulder again, taking in Amy's creased brow, her glimmering eyes and the look of helplessness she gave him.
"Check them."
The words were directed to one of the men behind her, seated on a tall brown horse. At her command, he whistled, and a moment later three grey dogs were sprinting through the snow, sending water drops spurting in all directions.
Joel's breath hitched, his knees shaky while the dogs approached him slowly. He wasn't the problem, of course he wasn't. All those dogs would be able to smell on him was sweat and coffee.
But Amy.
His heart skipped a beat and there was a ringing in his ears as he watched the dogs sniff at his shoes. He had to do something before they barked at Amy, attacked her, maybe even bit her.
His neck turned slowly, though he regretted the action an instant later.
She was so fucking scared, it made his throat swell with fear.
Part of him had hoped that perhaps she had gone through a procedure like that before and knew how to trick dogs into believing that the virus didn't live within her, but she appeared to be just as startled as he was.
He tried to mouth something in her direction, but he didn't know what.
Fuck, he felt like his knees were about to give out. His stomach churned, a chilly shudder undulating through his spine.
He blinked and realized that he had closed his eyes, because now that he opened them, the sight before him was a different one than it had been before.
Amy was kneeling on the ground on one knee, chuckling while her hands petted one of the three dogs that were all circling her excitedly.
"Joel, look at that," she grinned and spread out her arms as though to invite all three of them to nudge their noses against her.
He couldn't speak. Amy might have processed the shock quickly, but his muscles still felt numb and he needed to swallow a few times before he could respond to the woman's next question.
"This has just bought the two of you five seconds, so I'm gonna ask you again: What are you doing out here?"
Since just passing through the lands didn't count as an answer, Joel sighed and dropped his shoulders.
"We… I mean, I'm looking for my brother."
"Your brother?" she said, sounding surprised for the first time.
"Yeah. We wanna head to the city and look for him. That's all, I promise."
"You got a brother… What's his name?"
Her horse came a little closer, provoking Joel to take a step back, his eyes flicking worriedly to Amy who had straightened up to witness the conversation.
"Tommy."
For a while, nothing happened except for the dogs' howling. They were sniffing his soles, probably hoping to be rewarded with some love from him as well, but he was too tense to give them any attention.
"Tommy," the woman repeated and then, to his great surprise, pulled down the scarf around her face.
"Well, Joel, I think I got something to show you then."
Ten minutes later, Joel sat on a horse that one of the guys in the group had graciously entrusted them with while he had taken a seat behind one of his friends. Amy's arms were tightly wrapped around his torso, her chin poking into his back, but he didn't mind the pressure enough to consider asking her to adjust her position behind him.
"Are these dogs just dumb?" she whispered after a while of slowly trotting beside the others.
"Quiet," Joel hissed and clenched his jaw.
"Seriously? They can't hear this, Joel. Besides, maybe I should tell them. I mean, we have to tell Tommy, right? He's gonna wanna know what we need to find the Fireflies for…"
"Jesus, you gotta shut it. And no, we're not gonna tell anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. We don't know how they might react. They might be scared… Or just react without thinkin' about it."
Amy extended her neck to sweep her gaze across Joel's beard. "So what's the plan?"
"The plan is, we meet Tommy, I'm gonna tell 'im that we need to get in contact with the Fireflies and we hope that he can help us."
"But didn't Maria just say that he isn't – "
"I know what Maria said…" Joel grunted and scrunched his nose. "He ain't with 'em. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't know where they are."
"Okay…" Amy murmured, nudging her chin closer to his shoulder. "But this is good, isn't it?"
A short silence settled, Joel's chest heaving subtly.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
His stomach flipped. He was almost certain he could hear a smile in her voice, but he didn't dare glance over his shoulder. Neither of them defined precisely what exactly was good, but even if they meant two different things, it didn't matter.
Yes, it was good. Joel was about to reunite with his brother, whose life he had feared for in his darkest hours.
And then there was Amy. Safely behind him on the back of the horse, arms slung so tightly around his torso as though she wanted to emphasize that she was there, and that she wasn't going to let go.
There was still so much shit to figure out, and the memories of the past weeks, the times he had failed her when he had connected their lips under the night sky were still at the top of his mind, but for now, Joel actively chose not to get caught up in his own head.
As they approached the destination of their ride, Joel spotted a massive perimeter wall that looked so out of place amid the snowy landscape and the sparse pine and spruce forests. There were watchtowers with armed guards on top, immense gates locked to any unwanted visitor.
But it seemed like for now, Joel and Amy were welcome, because at Maria's signal and the lifting of a blue flag, the gate opened and the two of them rode past the threshold.
"Wow…" Amy breathed, scanning the scene unfolding in front of her eyes just as Joel did.
Although he didn't say anything, he was just as impressed as she was.
This wasn't just a settlement, a group of survivors who had come together to protect each other. It was a town, a community with decorated houses, roads, chimneys and lanterns. There were children playing in the street, people greeting their neighbors as they walked back into their houses, couples strolling down the sidewalk. It looked oddly normal. Almost unsettlingly normal.
"Welcome to Jackson," Maria smiled, glancing over her shoulder and chuckling at Joel and Amy's bemused expressions.
"This is… This is amazing," Amy reverently whispered, her voice so close to his ear that he turned around to shoot her a look.
"What?" she indignantly snorted, meeting his gaze.
"Nothin'."
While the other members of the small group turned at different street corners, Maria led Joel and Amy to a construction site where three men and two women were fixing a building that looked like a city hall or something. Joel's eyes stopped on a full head of dark brown locks…
"Tommy," he breathed and quickly slid off his horse.
"Tommy!" he then yelled, stopping a few steps later while the man turned around, responding to his name.
As he set into motion again, jogging toward his brother, the world around him fell silent and even the remarkable little town those people had built for themselves didn't impress him any longer.
"How the fuck did you find me?" was the first thing his little brother laughed in his ear while their arms wrapped around each other's backs.
"I… I just travelled across the whole fuckin' continent."
Even though it wasn't a lie, the two of them laughed loudly. Joel's eyes were a little wet as he pulled back, his head shaking as he didn't know where to start with his countless questions, his own news, or how glad he was that Tommy was alive.
"Jesus…" his brother, who seemed to feel similarly, huffed and placed his hand on his shoulder.
"I got a lot to tell ya. Shit, Tommy…"
"So do I… But first, you want us to give ya a tour?"
Joel's neck twisted, his eyes finding Amy who was still on top of the horse.
"Yeah… Yes, of course."
While he waited for her to climb off the animal, his arm automatically thrusting out to support her, he felt Tommy's eyes prickling on his profile. Clearly, he had a lot of questions about his sudden appearance, and perhaps more so regarding his company. It would be easy to explain, right? He just had to bring up Marlene, her insane plan to smuggle Amy out of the QZ… Tess. No, he wasn't eager to tell Tommy about that part of the story.
"Tommy, this… this is Amy. Amy, s'my brother."
"Hi," she smiled broadly and offered him her hand, which his brother took with an amused scoff.
"Hi. Nice to meet ya. You…"
"S'a long story," Joel cut him off before he could ask any uncomfortable questions, then briefly rested his hand on the small of Amy's back to guide her as they followed Tommy.
"You bastard…" Joel sneered and rotated the glass a few times, watching as the liquid spun like a vortex.
"Yeah, well… What can I say? Next on my list is brewing my own beer."
His head shook a few times as he set his glass of whiskey back on the wooden counter. Softly, like the liquid was too precious to be careless with.
"So this is what you're doin' nowadays? Ridin' on horses, producin' alcohol and goin' on Christmas parties?"
The large fir tree in the center of town had been remarkable and reason enough for Amy to stop and crane her neck to take in the entire height.
"I mean… We have a comfortable life 'ere. Better than it's ever been since the day of the outbreak. We… We're a community. We stick together. I can finally do some good here in this town. Be useful and – and use my skills for something good."
"Oh yeah?" Joel snorted and planted his palms on the surface, lowering his head. "So you're on some kinda redemption path?"
"You know what I mean…"
"I guess so," he scoffed, although he wasn't sure he understood entirely.
"What's with the girl? Amy. Who is she?"
The question had been unavoidable, though that fact didn't make it any more comfortable. Joel had no clue why he had been so anxious to hear Tommy ask about her. He didn't have to know anything about their complicated relationship unless Joel wanted to tell him about it.
"Amy, she… I met 'er in Boston. Through Marlene. She wanted me to get 'er outside the QZ and to another camp a few miles away. Well, that didn't quite work, so I'm tryin' to find the Firefly camp in this area. Which I need you for."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
Tommy, who had previously been standing beside the counter, sat back down on a chair, scratching his beard. "Why did Marlene wanna get 'er to a Firefly camp?"
"I don't know… Just Firefly stuff. You know about that best, don't ya?"
His brother grinned, although it came off forced.
"Anyways, I need ya to take 'er there, Tommy. Can you do that?"
To his great surprise, Tommy didn't reply at once.
"Tommy?"
"I heard ya, Joel."
"Well, are you gonna do it? It can be like the good ol' times. You and me… Out in the wild… Killin' some infected."
This time, he couldn't pretend that he didn't notice the stiffness around Tommy's mouth, which caused his brow to crease. "What's wrong? You're not gonna help me?"
"I wanna help ya, Joel… Just – not like this."
"What do you mean?"
Finally, his brother's shoulders slackened in defeat, a heavy exhale leaving his throat.
"I… I can't do stuff like that anymore."
"Why, 'cause of your redemption path? Did you join some cult that promises never to harm a fly?"
"Joel."
"What?" he snapped, biting his inner cheek in irritation. "What's the problem?"
"I… Maria's pregnant."
A stillness passed between them during which Tommy averted his gaze. He looked down at the wood, but his nervousness was tangible in the way his thumb drew circles over his glass.
"What?"
"Yeah," Tommy chuckled quietly. "I could barely believe it. I… I can't believe I'm being given that chance."
That last part of his sentence set something off in him, but before he could dig deeper, his brother continued talking.
"I'm so nervous. But so excited as well. Maria is three months along. I… I can't believe it. But I think I'm gonna be a good dad."
Joel released a breath he hadn't been aware he had been holding.
"I guess we'll find out."
The light went out of Tommy's expression so suddenly that a cold shiver ran down his spine.
"I guess we'll find out? Are you kiddin' me, is that all you gotta say about it?"
"Well, what do you want me to say? Congratulations?"
Tommy's dark eyes flashed, the lines around his mouth thin and distinct. "Yes. Yes, Joel, that's what you're supposed to say."
Joel's throat tightened, a muscle right next to his eye twitching.
"Right... We'll grab some supplies, then we'll be outta your hair in the mornin'."
He didn't know if there was something else his brother had meant to add.
He rushed out of the door before he could catch any change in his brother's expression.
Contains: smut, vaginal fingering, canon typical themes, angst, guilt, regret, push and pull dynamic, age gap (24&early 50s), broken promises, crying, hurt, comfort, emotionally unavailable love interest, reunion, fighting, panic
Wordcount: 7,091
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Amy
The next morning, Amy woke up with a headache that reached from her shoulder blades all the way up to the crown of her head.
Fuck… Maybe Joel really had been right about not drinking so much that she would be hungover the next day.
Speaking of, the other man was still beside her, sound asleep and snoring like a dinosaur. It was odd seeing him from up so close, and it was even stranger to be with him in such a tight space. The second thing she noticed was the sting in her core, which was an immediate reminiscence of what had happened last night. How Joel had touched her…
Amy bit down on her lip, turning onto her side while rubbing her thighs together. No, the ache between her legs might have been bad, perhaps even more painful than she had pictured it, but it had been worth it. Joel Miller had finally given in and had kissed her like she had wanted him to. And so much more than that.
Careful not to wake him up, Amy snuggled closer to him, resting her cheek against his broad shoulder and closing her eyes. She didn't really plan on dozing off again, but she relished being so close to him, smelling him and just knowing that he was right there next to her. She hoped, no, prayed, that this wasn't the first and last time she woke up like that. She definitely could get used to it…
Resting by his side, listening to his breathing, it wasn't long before Amy's thoughts drifted back to last night, first and foremost how his body had pressed her into the mat. Especially when he had orgasmed, and there had been nothing keeping him from putting his entire weight on her.
Her breath hitched in her throat, her pussy pulsing for the sole reason of the ardent memories. Some parts were a little blurry because it had been so late at night, but she remembered the most important things, for example his calloused hand cupping her face.
When Joel stirred next to her, Amy opened her eyes and felt her lips twist into a gentle, careful smile.
First, he just groaned lowly, his head bobbing weakly, but then his eyes opened slowly while she regarded him contentedly. For a beat, there was nothing in his face, just shallow emptiness. No joy, no warmth, but no rage or sadness either.
Amy's lips drew wider just in case he needed to see a gentle smile to set his mood in the morning, but it faded when she saw him draw a breath through his teeth and place his hand on his brow.
"Fuck."
"Are you okay?" she chuckled, although her tone was marked with uncertainty.
"Fuck…"
"Joel."
"I'm sorry, but you – you gotta get up. You gotta – you can't be here."
His hand found her shoulder reflexively, pushing her back to get some distance between their warm bodies.
"Are you being serious, Joel?"
His teeth ground, making him look angrier than he had before. Prior to this look, Amy had assumed he was panicky and erratic, but it seemed as though his emotions were more complex than that.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Joel's chest heaved heavier, his whole demeanor hanging by a thin thread. "For everythin'? You remember what happened last night, don't ya?"
"Yes."
Brows pinching together, startlement settled on Joel's face, which made him look like he had just seen a ghost.
"You know what happened and you just don't care about it?" He laughed coldly, causing frost to settle on her spine.
"I… No, I mean – I care about it but I don't think…"
"You don't think what?" Joel hissed, eyes flashing as though he were about to stretch out his arm and grab her. There was nothing left of the sleepiness, just blazing hot anger.
"I don't – think it's so bad."
"You don't think it's bad?" he repeated, then dipped his head forward so that he could rest its heavy weight on his palm. "I fucked up, Amy. I'm sorry."
"You know that I wanted it too," she began, still confused about why he was making such a huge deal out of it. Well, it was a huge deal to her too, if she were being honest, but not in this catastrophic, dramatic way that Joel portrayed it to be.
"You don't know what you want. I was supposed to be reasonable but instead I – Jesus fuckin' Christ. Jesus, I… I fucked up."
"You didn't fuck up…" Her fingers loosely brushed against the stitching of his shirt, attempting to soothe him, but Joel jolted backward like he had been electrocuted.
"I'm sorry, Amy. I shouldn't have done any of this. I shouldn't have – touched you, I shouldn't have… you know. And I shouldn't have done it like that. Fucking hell, I – I came inside ya…"
Another groan escaped his chest, shoulders slackening while Amy helplessly stared at his profile. Yes, she could understand why he was angry about this part of the memory, as it unsettled her a tad as well. The chances of her getting pregnant were low, especially because she didn't assume she was ovulating right now, but they were never zero. But aside from that… She didn't expect him to apologize, she didn't even want it.
"Joel. Joel, please look at me."
He did so, though with some delay. "I'm not angry at you. You don't have to apologize to me for anything. We were both drunk, you didn't – you didn't take advantage of me."
But Joel just shook his head a couple of times, pupils frantically scurrying over her expression as if to seek something within the soft lines that just wasn't there.
"You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to – to be fucked into some dirty sleeping bag like this."
"But I wanted it, Joel."
"It doesn't matter, you – it wasn't supposed to – no, you deserved better than – " Joel's eyes were closed, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip like he was physically suffering from having this conversation with her.
"Why do you get to decide what I deserve?"
Amy was just about to say his name again to get a reply to her question when his head abruptly straightened and his hands curled into fists.
"'Cause you can't decide for yourself. 'Cause I know that when it comes down to you makin' these decisions you're doin' the wrong thing."
"I really don't think – "
"No," Joel cut her off, making a dismissive hand gesture in her direction. "Just – Just go, alright? Go to your sleeping bag and get a bit more sleep. I need a moment."
Amy didn't know if he had seriously expected her to drop her head onto the ground and sleep for another two hours.
Whatever he had pictured in his mind, it didn't quite go this way, because a moment after Amy had grudgingly freed her feet from the bag, kicking the fabric away, she felt a pang go through the back of her head. A little while later it was this very sting that caused her eyes to stay open. Or maybe she was just telling herself that.
When Joel finally got up to make some coffee, the sun had risen and stood higher in the sky than it normally did when the two of them left their mats.
Amy quickly pushed her own sleeping bag away as well, then put on her shoes to join him like a lost puppy. He ignored her for the most part, just sitting in a chair, legs crossed and lips compressed while he took aggressive sips from his coffee. There was a second mug on the table, which Amy grabbed without saying a single word. After that, a silence stretched that was so cutting and uncomfortable that goosebumps rose on her forearms.
"You know, you say that you're sorry and that you feel like I deserve better, but then you start treating me like shit the day after you fucked me."
Her veins throbbed, a sour taste sneaking up her throat. Suddenly, Amy felt short of air, and before she could have any opportunity to stop it, tears were hanging over her vision like a thick, dense veil.
Silence pressed in. Joel's head was inclined forward and didn't move, like he hadn't heard her.
"I didn't – I don't know why you – Do you just – hate me now?"
Now his neck snapped around, his dark eyes piercing through her as his whole posture altered.
"I – don't. I don't hate you, what are you even sayin'?" Joel shifted forward, laying his hands flat on his thighs. "Fuck… don't cry, Amy, don't – "
The next thing she perceived was his scent in her nose, and a beat later his arms were around her, pulling her into a hug. It was firm and determined, leaving no room for any arguments, but it wasn't like Amy considered pulling back anyway. A small sob left her lips, her face finding his collarbone, which she nestled her cheek against.
"Why? You – We had sex and now – now you just – you hate me? You don't wanna talk to me anymore?"
His hold tightened. Joel was standing beside her, knees bent to be on the same level as her, but he didn't seem to mind the discomfort.
"I don't hate you, goddamnit… I don't. Please don't – don't ever think that again."
"But you – " she whimpered, attempting to lift her head from his chest, but Joel just held her down by her nape.
"I'm sorry. It's okay… I – I'm sorry about all of it. I fucked up so badly, sweetheart, and I – I keep doin' the wrong thing."
His thumb was drawing soothing circles over the back of her scalp, which worked wonders on calming her distressed nerves. When Joel knelt on the ground next to her, Amy immediately missed his proximity, but he was fast to make up for it by grabbing her hands.
"None of this is your fault. I want you to understand this. I'm mad, yes… But I'm mad at myself for everything that I've done. I – I'm gonna try 'n' be better at not letting it out on you, but even if I screw it up, I need you to know that you did nothin' wrong."
Amy peered down to where his thumb was caressing her hand. It was a nice gesture, and his skin felt warm and rough against hers.
"I can never let something like last night happen again."
Her head jerked up, eyes fixing on the concerned wrinkles between his brows. "Joel…"
"No. I know, Amy, but I just – can't. I'm gonna – try 'n' treat you normally. But I have to keep my distance."
"You didn't like it?" she whispered, eyes watering again.
"Jesus…" His head tilted until his brow touched the back of her hand, just very briefly, before he blinked a few times and sat upright.
"Of course I liked it. This is why it's gonna be so hard. This is why I was so mad today. I – gotta keep my distance so I won't be tempted again. And for the love of god, I need you to help me with it."
"How?" Amy breathed, though she wasn't sure she even wanted to know what to do so that he wouldn't want her again. Or, maybe she wanted to know just so that she could do the exact opposite.
"I need you to sleep in your own bed. I need you to stop lookin' at me like that."
"Stop looking at you like what?"
"Like… that." He groaned, the circles underneath his eyes greyer than they had ever been before. "Like you… like you do sometimes. When your eyes are so round 'n'… warm."
He sounded and looked exhausted, which caused Amy to feel pity for him, though she first and foremost just despised the direction this was heading.
"We just have to make it to Tommy. It's not gonna be much further. And then – then he's gonna help ya get to the Fireflies."
"Without you?" it snapped out of her, hands pushing against his palms with more force as though she were afraid he was about to abandon her before they had even arrived in Wyoming.
"What do you mean?"
"Are you gonna leave me with Tommy and the Fireflies?"
Joel sighed heavily and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. "I – I can't answer you that."
"I don't understand…" Again, fresh tears collected in the corners of her eyes even though she wished they would stay dry for once.
"I don't know. I just – don't know." His shoulders slackened. "Depends on if it's gonna be safe… If Tommy's gonna know what to do… And then – if it's gonna be safe, I should probably leave you with them."
"Probably," Amy repeated, the word provoking the stiff lines around his mouth to soften. The process was incredible to watch, his entire stance changing within a few seconds.
"Probably… yes. But I'm gonna make sure that you're safe. I'm gonna make sure that no one's gonna harm ya. You can trust Tommy. I can't vouch for the Fireflies of course, but I'm gonna do what I can."
Whereas Joel's face was gentle and relaxed, skin smooth now, Amy's expression closed off, her lips a tight line.
"Yeah, but maybe I'm not safe when you're not around."
"What do you mean? Hey, look at me." Although she refused at first, she couldn't avoid his gaze for long.
"Maybe I want you to come with me to the Fireflies, Joel. Maybe I – I'm not gonna feel safe when you leave me with Tommy or the Fireflies."
"You are," he insisted and squeezed her hands. "Tommy's gonna take care of you, he's a good guy. Almost as capable as me when it comes to guns 'n' rifles."
He grinned lightly, but Amy barely reacted, just swallowing hard as Joel drew a heavy breath.
"It's gonna be okay. I ain't just gonna leave you with people I don't trust. I ain't just gonna drop you by some street without bein' sure that you're safe and taken care of. I promise."
"You said that."
"Said what?"
She sniffled softly while a few silent tears rolled down her face, hitting the curve of her lips in probably quite the inelegant way. Gosh… She didn't want to imagine what she might look like with her red nose, flushed cheeks and swollen eyes.
"You – You promised me. Last night. Promised me that you wouldn't let go."
Joel barely showed any reaction on his face, but that was nothing new. All she could spot was a muscle ticking next to his eyebrow, that was it.
"Sweetheart…"
"Don't – call me that wh-when – when you refuse to – to touch me, Joel," Amy stammered, her hands and torso trembling so hard that Joel clamped her fingers tightly as if it would make the shivering stop if he pressed down hard enough.
"I am touchin' you, ain't I?" he growled and pointedly glanced at their laced hands.
"You k-know what I mean. You don't – you don't want me like that."
"For the last time…" Joel ground his teeth forcefully until they creaked, then straightened up on his knees to move his lips a little closer to her ear. "This ain't about what I want. 'Cause fuck yes, I want ya. Everything I said last night was true. This is about what's right and what we shouldn't do."
His tone became more tender as he kissed the side of her head, lips ghosting over her hair so briefly it might as well not have happened at all.
"I won't let go. Maybe not in the way that you want me to, but I'm still gonna protect you. Like before. I'm sorry for how I acted today. I know it was wrong, n' I didn't realize that I was punishin' you with it too. It's gonna stop. I promise, 'n' I'm gonna keep it. I'm gonna keep ya safe, I'm gonna get ya to Tommy's. I just need you to promise not to make it any more difficult for me than it already is. Can you do that?"
"I guess," Amy whispered, her shoulders slackening like a lost, soaked poodle.
"Good. It's gonna be fine. I promise, just don't worry about it. I'm already worryin' for both of us. Don't need ya to do it too."
That finally elicited a dry, quiet chuckle from her, one that instantly transferred over to him and made his lips twist.
"There she is… You're gonna be fine. Alright?"
Amy nodded and for the moment believed it too. At least while Joel looked at her with such fondness.
Joel
The days passed quickly after that incident, and faster than he was able to process it, they had entered the state of Nebraska. At least that was what his map told him.
From that point forward, the weather became colder as they made their way north-west, the forests were scarcer and so was any sign of human life, which had its good and bad sides.
By the time they had traveled past Lincoln, Joel first strayed from his principles in a moment of weakness and let his composure slip.
The worst part about it was that he hadn't even been drunk that night.
It had been a cold night, yet the fire crackling in front of him and Amy had been so warm and comforting that neither of them had felt the urge to go to bed.
Throughout the evening, they had shifted closer to each other while some of the voices inside his head had justified his actions, claiming that they had to find a way not to freeze, and others had warned him to back off. But in the end, those voices had lost the wavering war, and as fate would have it, the worst of him had taken the reins over his behavior.
Amy had kissed him back passionately and had been fast to put her hands around his face. It appeared as though she acted extra quickly, knowing that feeling her small palms heating up his cheeks was one of his most dangerous sources of faltering.
That night, Joel had ended up fingering her to climax, which had caused him more joy than anything had in recent months. Amy had been sitting in his lap, legs snaked around his hips while his hand had slipped inside her pants and underwear, blindly and hastily finding her clit. Lips connected, tongues toying with each other, it had taken her no more than five minutes to climax, which Joel found was almost too easy.
Afterwards, he had licked her juices off his fingers just to get a taste of her. Sweet, salty and a little sour, that was how he would describe her. Amy had snuggled up against his chest like a satisfied cat, purring all night until she had fallen asleep, and Joel had carried her to his mat and tucked her into his sleeping bag.
He hadn't been able to bring himself to separate her from him that night, not while his failures from the last time he had been with her were still ringing in his ears. He had promised her not to let go, yet he had shoved her away the following morning like he had lost all interest. No, this time he would do it differently, that was what he had promised himself.
So the next morning, he didn't wake her when his lashes fluttered open with the first sunrays. He patiently lay next to her, not shifting away even though the guilt was all-consuming and ate him from within like a disease.
When Amy woke up, he tried his best, though. Part of him shouted and begged him for some peace, just an opportunity to take a deep breath, perhaps scream his lungs out until the noise was louder than his conscience, but he told himself that Amy was innocent. Over and over again. He would hurt her with his coldness and ruthless reserve, and that was something he had sworn to himself he would avoid at all costs.
So, Joel gave her a smile after she had opened her eyes, kissing her brow to distract her from the stress etched into his features. Aside from a shallow "Good morning," he didn't say a lot.
After that, the following days went by without any special events, and without any more intimate moments. He wasn't sure whether Amy had been aware that his loss of control was unplanned and reckless from the beginning, or if she had hoped that Joel had changed his mind after all, but the point was that she didn't make any advances the night after. She didn't shift closer to him, she didn't try to initiate any physical contact, and she didn't bring his careless actions up again. Which Joel was thankful for.
He already had enough on his plate trying to handle his regret and shutting up the tormenting voices in the back of his head that liked calling him a weak loser, a failure and a selfish bastard who was taking advantage of a young woman he shouldn't even feel drawn to. Let alone act upon his desires.
After that, Joel remained strict for a couple of days, which prompted the nagging voices to abate one by one.
The days went by quickly, and they were all so similar that Joel often forgot what day it was and whether the conversations he could remember having with Amy in the morning had happened today or yesterday.
As they drew closer to Wyoming, his nervousness and fear about whether they were going to find Tommy and whether he was going to be unharmed grew.
Joel liked to tell himself that it was the reason why he cracked again just a few days before they planned on crossing the border into Wyoming. The thoughts had been swirling and rotating in his head all day, his muscles tense and his breathing ragged, which was why Amy's gentle smile had been one too many.
He had kissed her nearly aggressively, but she had returned the ardent passion with the same urgency, throwing herself against him and almost prompting him to believe that she had missed it as much as he had. Secretly, of course.
Joel had fingered her again that night just because he had relished it so much last time. His cock had been straining against his pants painfully, and the idea of getting it out and feeling her hand pump his length had been enticing, but there were too many doubts and worries accompanying it. He didn't want to use her, he didn't want to be in a state that posed more risks of losing his composure in entirely new ways, and he wanted to avoid fucking her again at all costs.
Joel didn't know why. He had just promised himself not to do it a second time. Well, he had also promised himself not to touch her again, but for some reason his body didn't put up much of a fight that night when he found himself lying on top of her, one hand in her pants, the other lingering at her side.
Amy had whined his name so wonderfully that he couldn't stop thinking about having her like this every single night for the rest of his life. For that time, for the minutes it took to get her to cum for him, he was in heaven. At least that was how he pictured it, because he was in a place that was much too beautiful to be on Earth.
Joel was floating, felt light and carefree in a way he hadn't experienced in years. He figured that first and foremost, her moans and whimpers were what pleased him so much, but he also enjoyed being so close to her, kissing her lips and whispering dirty things in her ear. Things that only referred to what he was doing right now.
Sometimes, his mind drifted off to different actions, actions he had sworn to himself he wouldn't act out with her. To spare her the pain of watching him break yet another promise, he kept that to himself and focused on how warm and wet her pussy was for him.
Joel had tensed up once when Amy had rocked her core against his cock, which she most certainly had felt hardening in his jeans throughout their session. Without saying a word, he had quickly tightened his grasp around her hip and kept her pinned to the floor while toying with her clit.
Afterwards, she had offered, nearly begged Joel to do something else, preferably help him get off too, but for Joel that was out of the question. Making her orgasm, he could at least tell himself that he was helping her release stress when it came to legitimizing his behavior, but he didn't want to burden himself with a new surge of guilt.
The following day was nearly exactly the same as last time.
Waking up next to each other. No mention of his fingers circling her bundle of nerves a few hours prior. Joel being not very talkative but putting in much effort to act normally.
When the two companions finally reached the state of Wyoming, snow was covering the earth and most lakes they were walking past were frozen. Amy once asked to step on the ice and skid along the slippery surface with that glow in her eyes, but Joel had quickly shaken his head and grabbed her by her wrist, ensuring she wouldn't go anywhere near that dangerous place.
Now, they were passing yet another one of those grand lakes, though this one wasn't covered with a thick layer of ice.
"Joel, you have to let me."
"Mhm?" He had been lost in thought and now turned his neck around, taking in her longing stance.
"The ice surface. I've never ice skated before."
"You ain't got any ice skates. All you would be doin' is fall on your nose."
He picked up the pace a little, hoping Amy would comply and follow him rather than daydreaming about something she couldn't experience anyway.
"Are we gonna go into the city? To find Tommy."
"Yeah," Joel hummed and stuffed his hands into his front pockets, feeling the cold creep up his wrists like icy vines. "We are. But we're gonna avoid most of the towns to the east."
"Why?"
"Too many infected."
"Well…" Amy smirked, challengingly wriggling her brows. "I'm immune, am I not?"
"Right. So you'd rather have me get bit and then rip ya to death?"
"Well, I'm gonna shoot you before I let that happen…" Amy scoffed but puckered her lips in defeat.
"Oh yeah? And then? You're gonna get into the city and find Tommy how? Are you gonna look out for someone who looks like me?"
"Does he?" she asked and tilted her head a little to look up at him, studying his features like she was trying to imagine what his little brother might look like.
"A little, I guess. More when we were younger. And wore our hair the same."
Amy was clearly about to reply, her lips already parted, when a distant noise made Joel halt and thrust his arm out.
His ears sharpened.
Obviously, there were still nature's sounds out here, like the chirping of birds, wolves and other animals, but this…
His hand in front of Amy's chest flexed, making sure she knew what to do. No moving, no trying to curiously glance at the horses galloping in their direction.
Joel's other hand flew to his holster, but as the people on their horses drew close enough he realized that surrender was their more promising path out of this. Therefore, he raised his hands and caught a glimpse of Amy, nodding his head as he saw her do the same.
"We're just passin' through these lands!" Joel yelled before any of the riders could say something, his eyes trailing over the heavily loaded weapons in their hands. Whoever they might be, they were part of a group, owning so many supplies.
"What are you doing here? You're on a suicide mission traveling through these lands."
The words had come from the woman leading the group. She wore a scarf over the lower part of her face which only allowed for her eyes to be seen. Piercing dark brown eyes.
"You mean 'cause of the infected?" Joel questioned, then took a step back when the woman lifted her rifle. "Don't shoot. Please. We mean no harm."
He glanced over his shoulder again, taking in Amy's creased brow, her glimmering eyes and the look of helplessness she gave him.
"Check them."
The words were directed to one of the men behind her, seated on a tall brown horse. At her command, he whistled, and a moment later three grey dogs were sprinting through the snow, sending water drops spurting in all directions.
Joel's breath hitched, his knees shaky while the dogs approached him slowly. He wasn't the problem, of course he wasn't. All those dogs would be able to smell on him was sweat and coffee.
But Amy.
His heart skipped a beat and there was a ringing in his ears as he watched the dogs sniff at his shoes. He had to do something before they barked at Amy, attacked her, maybe even bit her.
His neck turned slowly, though he regretted the action an instant later.
She was so fucking scared, it made his throat swell with fear.
Part of him had hoped that perhaps she had gone through a procedure like that before and knew how to trick dogs into believing that the virus didn't live within her, but she appeared to be just as startled as he was.
He tried to mouth something in her direction, but he didn't know what.
Fuck, he felt like his knees were about to give out. His stomach churned, a chilly shudder undulating through his spine.
He blinked and realized that he had closed his eyes, because now that he opened them, the sight before him was a different one than it had been before.
Amy was kneeling on the ground on one knee, chuckling while her hands petted one of the three dogs that were all circling her excitedly.
"Joel, look at that," she grinned and spread out her arms as though to invite all three of them to nudge their noses against her.
He couldn't speak. Amy might have processed the shock quickly, but his muscles still felt numb and he needed to swallow a few times before he could respond to the woman's next question.
"This has just bought the two of you five seconds, so I'm gonna ask you again: What are you doing out here?"
Since just passing through the lands didn't count as an answer, Joel sighed and dropped his shoulders.
"We… I mean, I'm looking for my brother."
"Your brother?" she said, sounding surprised for the first time.
"Yeah. We wanna head to the city and look for him. That's all, I promise."
"You got a brother… What's his name?"
Her horse came a little closer, provoking Joel to take a step back, his eyes flicking worriedly to Amy who had straightened up to witness the conversation.
"Tommy."
For a while, nothing happened except for the dogs' howling. They were sniffing his soles, probably hoping to be rewarded with some love from him as well, but he was too tense to give them any attention.
"Tommy," the woman repeated and then, to his great surprise, pulled down the scarf around her face.
"Well, Joel, I think I got something to show you then."
Ten minutes later, Joel sat on a horse that one of the guys in the group had graciously entrusted them with while he had taken a seat behind one of his friends. Amy's arms were tightly wrapped around his torso, her chin poking into his back, but he didn't mind the pressure enough to consider asking her to adjust her position behind him.
"Are these dogs just dumb?" she whispered after a while of slowly trotting beside the others.
"Quiet," Joel hissed and clenched his jaw.
"Seriously? They can't hear this, Joel. Besides, maybe I should tell them. I mean, we have to tell Tommy, right? He's gonna wanna know what we need to find the Fireflies for…"
"Jesus, you gotta shut it. And no, we're not gonna tell anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. We don't know how they might react. They might be scared… Or just react without thinkin' about it."
Amy extended her neck to sweep her gaze across Joel's beard. "So what's the plan?"
"The plan is, we meet Tommy, I'm gonna tell 'im that we need to get in contact with the Fireflies and we hope that he can help us."
"But didn't Maria just say that he isn't – "
"I know what Maria said…" Joel grunted and scrunched his nose. "He ain't with 'em. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't know where they are."
"Okay…" Amy murmured, nudging her chin closer to his shoulder. "But this is good, isn't it?"
A short silence settled, Joel's chest heaving subtly.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
His stomach flipped. He was almost certain he could hear a smile in her voice, but he didn't dare glance over his shoulder. Neither of them defined precisely what exactly was good, but even if they meant two different things, it didn't matter.
Yes, it was good. Joel was about to reunite with his brother, whose life he had feared for in his darkest hours.
And then there was Amy. Safely behind him on the back of the horse, arms slung so tightly around his torso as though she wanted to emphasize that she was there, and that she wasn't going to let go.
There was still so much shit to figure out, and the memories of the past weeks, the times he had failed her when he had connected their lips under the night sky were still at the top of his mind, but for now, Joel actively chose not to get caught up in his own head.
As they approached the destination of their ride, Joel spotted a massive perimeter wall that looked so out of place amid the snowy landscape and the sparse pine and spruce forests. There were watchtowers with armed guards on top, immense gates locked to any unwanted visitor.
But it seemed like for now, Joel and Amy were welcome, because at Maria's signal and the lifting of a blue flag, the gate opened and the two of them rode past the threshold.
"Wow…" Amy breathed, scanning the scene unfolding in front of her eyes just as Joel did.
Although he didn't say anything, he was just as impressed as she was.
This wasn't just a settlement, a group of survivors who had come together to protect each other. It was a town, a community with decorated houses, roads, chimneys and lanterns. There were children playing in the street, people greeting their neighbors as they walked back into their houses, couples strolling down the sidewalk. It looked oddly normal. Almost unsettlingly normal.
"Welcome to Jackson," Maria smiled, glancing over her shoulder and chuckling at Joel and Amy's bemused expressions.
"This is… This is amazing," Amy reverently whispered, her voice so close to his ear that he turned around to shoot her a look.
"What?" she indignantly snorted, meeting his gaze.
"Nothin'."
While the other members of the small group turned at different street corners, Maria led Joel and Amy to a construction site where three men and two women were fixing a building that looked like a city hall or something. Joel's eyes stopped on a full head of dark brown locks…
"Tommy," he breathed and quickly slid off his horse.
"Tommy!" he then yelled, stopping a few steps later while the man turned around, responding to his name.
As he set into motion again, jogging toward his brother, the world around him fell silent and even the remarkable little town those people had built for themselves didn't impress him any longer.
"How the fuck did you find me?" was the first thing his little brother laughed in his ear while their arms wrapped around each other's backs.
"I… I just travelled across the whole fuckin' continent."
Even though it wasn't a lie, the two of them laughed loudly. Joel's eyes were a little wet as he pulled back, his head shaking as he didn't know where to start with his countless questions, his own news, or how glad he was that Tommy was alive.
"Jesus…" his brother, who seemed to feel similarly, huffed and placed his hand on his shoulder.
"I got a lot to tell ya. Shit, Tommy…"
"So do I… But first, you want us to give ya a tour?"
Joel's neck twisted, his eyes finding Amy who was still on top of the horse.
"Yeah… Yes, of course."
While he waited for her to climb off the animal, his arm automatically thrusting out to support her, he felt Tommy's eyes prickling on his profile. Clearly, he had a lot of questions about his sudden appearance, and perhaps more so regarding his company. It would be easy to explain, right? He just had to bring up Marlene, her insane plan to smuggle Amy out of the QZ… Tess. No, he wasn't eager to tell Tommy about that part of the story.
"Tommy, this… this is Amy. Amy, s'my brother."
"Hi," she smiled broadly and offered him her hand, which his brother took with an amused scoff.
"Hi. Nice to meet ya. You…"
"S'a long story," Joel cut him off before he could ask any uncomfortable questions, then briefly rested his hand on the small of Amy's back to guide her as they followed Tommy.
"You bastard…" Joel sneered and rotated the glass a few times, watching as the liquid spun like a vortex.
"Yeah, well… What can I say? Next on my list is brewing my own beer."
His head shook a few times as he set his glass of whiskey back on the wooden counter. Softly, like the liquid was too precious to be careless with.
"So this is what you're doin' nowadays? Ridin' on horses, producin' alcohol and goin' on Christmas parties?"
The large fir tree in the center of town had been remarkable and reason enough for Amy to stop and crane her neck to take in the entire height.
"I mean… We have a comfortable life 'ere. Better than it's ever been since the day of the outbreak. We… We're a community. We stick together. I can finally do some good here in this town. Be useful and – and use my skills for something good."
"Oh yeah?" Joel snorted and planted his palms on the surface, lowering his head. "So you're on some kinda redemption path?"
"You know what I mean…"
"I guess so," he scoffed, although he wasn't sure he understood entirely.
"What's with the girl? Amy. Who is she?"
The question had been unavoidable, though that fact didn't make it any more comfortable. Joel had no clue why he had been so anxious to hear Tommy ask about her. He didn't have to know anything about their complicated relationship unless Joel wanted to tell him about it.
"Amy, she… I met 'er in Boston. Through Marlene. She wanted me to get 'er outside the QZ and to another camp a few miles away. Well, that didn't quite work, so I'm tryin' to find the Firefly camp in this area. Which I need you for."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
Tommy, who had previously been standing beside the counter, sat back down on a chair, scratching his beard. "Why did Marlene wanna get 'er to a Firefly camp?"
"I don't know… Just Firefly stuff. You know about that best, don't ya?"
His brother grinned, although it came off forced.
"Anyways, I need ya to take 'er there, Tommy. Can you do that?"
To his great surprise, Tommy didn't reply at once.
"Tommy?"
"I heard ya, Joel."
"Well, are you gonna do it? It can be like the good ol' times. You and me… Out in the wild… Killin' some infected."
This time, he couldn't pretend that he didn't notice the stiffness around Tommy's mouth, which caused his brow to crease. "What's wrong? You're not gonna help me?"
"I wanna help ya, Joel… Just – not like this."
"What do you mean?"
Finally, his brother's shoulders slackened in defeat, a heavy exhale leaving his throat.
"I… I can't do stuff like that anymore."
"Why, 'cause of your redemption path? Did you join some cult that promises never to harm a fly?"
"Joel."
"What?" he snapped, biting his inner cheek in irritation. "What's the problem?"
"I… Maria's pregnant."
A stillness passed between them during which Tommy averted his gaze. He looked down at the wood, but his nervousness was tangible in the way his thumb drew circles over his glass.
"What?"
"Yeah," Tommy chuckled quietly. "I could barely believe it. I… I can't believe I'm being given that chance."
That last part of his sentence set something off in him, but before he could dig deeper, his brother continued talking.
"I'm so nervous. But so excited as well. Maria is three months along. I… I can't believe it. But I think I'm gonna be a good dad."
Joel released a breath he hadn't been aware he had been holding.
"I guess we'll find out."
The light went out of Tommy's expression so suddenly that a cold shiver ran down his spine.
"I guess we'll find out? Are you kiddin' me, is that all you gotta say about it?"
"Well, what do you want me to say? Congratulations?"
Tommy's dark eyes flashed, the lines around his mouth thin and distinct. "Yes. Yes, Joel, that's what you're supposed to say."
Joel's throat tightened, a muscle right next to his eye twitching.
"Right... We'll grab some supplies, then we'll be outta your hair in the mornin'."
He didn't know if there was something else his brother had meant to add.
He rushed out of the door before he could catch any change in his brother's expression.
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You desperately want to get out of the QZ, but unfortunately the only person who can help you is Joel Miller, whose price isn't cigarettes or pills.
Contains: smut, dubcon, noncon (just in case!), power imbalance, dark themes, dddne, coercion, massive age gap (reader is in her 20s, Joel is 52), manipulation, Joel taking advantage of reader's desperate situation, oral sex, rough blow job, dirty talk, gagging, name calling (baby, sweetheart, bitch etc), slut shaming, degradation, Joel pinning reader against the wall, humiliation, begging, cum down reader's throat, p in v, unprotected sex, Joel scaring reader to cum inside her, damrk!Joel, desperate!reader, angst, physical pain
Wordcount: 7,187
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Joel's strides were long, rushed and determined as he passed decrepit building after rancid garbage can.
The smell in the streets of the QZ, he had gotten used to by now. The sight of dead, starved bodies as well.
And yet, heading through the city to get from one place to another was normally a task everyone wanted to get over with as quickly as possible. Which was why Joel hoped that his hurried steps would carry him back to his apartment building fast before anything, least of all some lost firefly or FEDRA soldier, could disturb him.
His posture, the way his brow was drawn rigid, most definitely conveyed disinterest in any kind of human interaction, though in this neighborhood, people usually only went about their own business anyway. Friendly contact with others was rare, a few exchanged words rarer, and even just a smile even more unlikely.
It was no wonder that Joel's hand instinctively flew to his holster when he suddenly sensed a shadow to his left.
Someone was rushing out of an alleyway, clearly approaching him, which Joel didn't like at all.
His fingers tightened around the handle, body jerking backward to get some distance between him and the creature and assess what they might want from him when he noticed a woman.
A young woman, probably in her twenties. When you raised your hands in a de-escalating way, Joel's grasp loosened as well, though his eyes remained narrow and cold.
"Please, no. I'm just – I need to talk to you," you whispered, suspiciously glancing to your left and right like you were being followed. Joel liked that even less.
"What do you want?" he barked, still aiming the gun at you, even though he doubted you could overpower him, considering that you were a lot smaller than him.
"You're Joel, right? Joel Miller?"
"What do you want?" Joel repeated the question, growing even more wary at your knowledge of his identity. It wasn't a rare thing for people to know him since he had made himself a name as a feared and brutal killer as well as a skilled smuggler, but a person showing up so intentionally with the clear goal of speaking with him was strange and not that familiar to him.
"You know how to get people out of here, don't you?" Your eyes nervously scurried across his face as though to take in every wrinkle and line around his mouth to figure out whether he could help you.
"Out of where?" he hissed through a clenched jaw, slowly lowering the gun.
"Can we – Can we talk here?" you uttered instead of answering his question, peering over your shoulder to the alleyway you had come from.
He briefly considered condescendingly scoffing and leaving you here as he felt no desire to spend a second longer out here than necessary, but in the end, Joel felt too curious to find out what you wanted. Besides, you were just a little girl who he could still shoot any time if you brought him any trouble.
"What do you want?" he groaned again once they had walked a few strides, bodies swallowed by the tall buildings to their left and right.
To exude dominance at once, Joel folded his arms in front of him and came a little closer, your back just an inch or two away from the wall behind you. It couldn't do any harm to establish and confirm his reputation instantly and present himself as the rude and sinister man everyone knew him as.
"I need to get out of the QZ without anyone noticing…" you finally explained and tangled your hands in front of your stomach. "And I heard that you're just the right guy for that. For smuggling people out."
Joel's teeth bared slightly, his eyes glistening dark as he sneered.
"Oh yeah? Where'd you hear that?"
"Everyone's saying it. I heard from a friend. He told me you got his sister out. Two months ago. And my cousin knows someone who you helped too."
Joel exhaled deeply, enjoying the power he held over you at that moment, your pupils twitching just the slightest as if it was your body's only way to handle the tension within your muscles. You were clearly anxious, terrified of hearing an answer that wouldn't please you out of his mouth, and for now, Joel wasn't in any hurry to relieve you of those feelings.
Not while the superiority delighted him in such a way.
"Is that right…"
"Don't fuck with me," you suddenly spat, grinding your teeth and jutting your jaw out. "I know that you helped them. And I want you to help me."
"Careful. I pick the people that I wanna help. You think you're the only one who wants to leave this shithole? I got a line of people who'd sell me their kidney to get out. And you know what I really hate?" Joel's face came closer, hovering a few inches away from you, which made you take a small step backward.
"Mouthy brats who think their attitude's gonna get them anywhere other than the dump."
Your jaw remained taut, though Joel could clearly see your throat bob. Your panting was labored and uneven as you wetted your lips.
"I can pay you."
"How much?" he growled, not attempting to back away from you.
"I got pills. And cigarettes. Lots of them."
"How much?"
Lashes fluttering, you quickly looked to your left and right only to discover that the alley was still empty. Joel was yet to figure out if you were relieved or terrified by that fact.
"I got about 60 pills I can give you. Maybe four packs of cigarettes?"
He didn't need to be a genius to figure out that you had no idea what you were doing. He even doubted that you had ever traded with someone like that before, at least not a bargain of such size. 60 pills in addition to four packs of cigarettes was an amazing deal and something Joel would have accepted from anyone else without so much as the blink of an eye.
But since you still appeared to be shaking like a leaf, your eyes frantically hushing over his face even though you tried to disguise it as best as you could, Joel decided to uphold the game a little longer.
Besides… perhaps he could push things further.
After all, you were pretty and young, looked relatively clean and healthy, which usually was the best currency there was in a fucked-up place like this.
"Oh no, darlin'…" Joel hummed, precisely observing your heavy panting and your trembling hands.
"What?" you hissed out. "It's a good deal."
"Might've been a good deal a few years back… But nowadays, I'm afraid it's gonna get ya to the first watchtower. If you're lucky. But out of the QZ… you'd probably have to double that amount."
"What?" you whispered, clutching the hem of your jacket while Joel casually lifted his eyebrows, coming off purely unimpressed and unbothered by your panic. "I saved up for ages for this. I can't just – Please, you gotta help me. I got medicine… Or ammo. I just need to get out of here, please."
A rush of adrenaline went through his spine, making his head spin. Joel didn't know what it said about him, if he was just a bad person through and through or if all those years in the QZ had turned him into a demon. But the fact was that his insides pleasantly flipped at the sight of your despair, your helplessness and cluelessness. It made him think of horrible, vicious things such as taking advantage of your ignorance.
Perhaps the reason for his enjoyment was the fact that he was drawn to naivety after spending so much time in a place where one person was more unscrupulous than the next. Innocence and greenness were as rare as clean water that didn't come from FEDRA.
"So what you're tryna tell me is that you ain't got anythin' to pay me with," Joel said slowly, brow wrinkled and shoulders pulled back to make himself even taller compared to you.
"As I said, I got pills and – "
"You ain't got enough to pay me," he corrected himself.
"I… Yes. But I can – I can get more. Just give me a few days, maybe a week or two and I – I can pay you. I promise. Or – " You raised your hands, eyes big as plates. "When I'm outside the QZ, I can – "
"No," Joel grunted, gaze boring into your cheeks like laser pointers. "Don't even start a sentence with 'when I'm outside the QZ.' I don't take payment after I do the job. You're gonna pay me now. Or there's no deal."
"Then give me a week or two. Just – Let's agree to a day and a time and we can meet here again and I'm gonna bring all I have and…" Your voice trailed off into the void, your eyes getting sadder as you sensed feigned pity upon his features.
"Please," you begged and glanced around the alleyway again. Still, no one.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But it doesn't look good, does it?"
He paused, allowing the gravity of his words to sink in. Only then, as your head dropped, shoulders slackening, did he clear his throat and allow himself to form the sentence that had the potential to change everything for you.
"But you know that pills 'n' cigarettes ain't the only thing you can pay me with."
Your head stirred just the slightest, eyes slowly trailing up his thick neck. Joel took a generous breath, leaning in a little.
"You're a pretty girl," he then continued, wondering how long it would take for you to understand what he was implying. "Very pretty. You got a value in this city that others can only dream of."
Finally, your blown pupils set on his face again, terror marked in the lines around your eyes. But Joel wouldn't back away now that he had put the option in the room. An option he would be more than pleased with.
"Oh c'mon… You're tryin' to tell me you've never used that pretty body of yours as currency to get somethin'? Or… get somewhere?"
"I – I haven't…"
"No?" Joel asked, eyebrows high up his face. "You've never let someone touch you in exchange for somethin'?"
This time, he waited, trying to pick up any shame or guilt that was deeply rooted within you, but all he could find was fear and concern.
"No. I haven't," you finally murmured, wincing as Joel put a finger underneath your chin to force you to meet his ardent gaze.
"Well… if that isn't interesting. And even better for me. S'a lot more fun to touch a naïve, innocent thing like you rather than a whore who spreads 'er legs for any FEDRA officer."
Your expression turned rigid, eyes spewing fire while you forcefully pushed away his hand from your face.
"Fuck you. I'm not gonna let you touch me, you fucking… creep."
Nothing in his expression, nor posture changed as his hand hovered inches away from your body without attempting another try to connect it with your skin.
"Alright. As you like it. You can just leave and find someone else to smuggle you out of the QZ. I'm sure that ain't gonna be a problem for you, right?"
Joel triumphed at your wavering attitude, your teeth painfully chewing on your bottom lip.
"Shit…" you fizzled, running a hand over the upper part of your face. "You're disgusting. You're like… 60. That's so fucked-up."
"52, darlin'. And I'm not the disgusting part. You are. 'Cause you're considerin' it. Even though you know how wrong it is. But you're gonna do it either way 'cause you need my help. And that makes you feel disgusted with yourself."
Joel waited for you to say something, but when you just toyed with the zip of your jacket instead, he took up more space by continuing to fill the air with his brassy voice.
"Are you a virgin?"
"What?" you gasped, jerking at the sharpness of the question.
"I said are you a virgin, sweetheart."
"No… I'm not," you mumbled against the collar of your shirt.
"So you let someone touch you. Who?"
"This is none of your business," you claimed, regaining some of your initial stubbornness, which Joel didn't like at all.
"Alright. I see."
He took a small step backward, shrugging lightly, which seemed to make you awaken from your dream, the anger notched into your face muscles falling off you.
"No, I… No, wait. I… There was a guy I – I was seeing sometimes. But I've never fucked someone to get something before. I promise."
Maybe you weren't quite as stupid as Joel had believed, considering that you seemed to have understood that the knowledge that you hadn't been with many guys before was what he placed value in.
Joel wanted to be the one who corrupted you. He wanted to steal your sweet innocence, your bewilderment about the fact that some women had to take such measures to get what they wanted, and fuck it out of you. He wanted to be the man that changed, no, even moldered your worldview and showed you the worst sides of humanity. All while getting his dick wet, obviously.
"What a good girl you are…" Joel scoffed and clasped his hand around your chin once more, ignoring your faint squirming. "But I'm gonna change that."
You whined softly, driving your teeth into your lower lip while Joel pressed you back against the wall behind you.
"I'm gonna show you what it feels like for all those silly girls who gotta open their thighs for dirty, rough traders. So, you want that? You're gonna let me touch ya?"
Thoughts rattled behind your forehead, doubt flashing across your face before you gulped loudly and turned your head to the side.
"If I let you, you're gonna get me out of here, right? You're gonna help me escape the QZ?"
"I will, sweetheart," Joel promised, his eyes glued to your plump lips.
"And do I also have to give you the cigarettes and pills?"
A throaty chuckle bubbled in the back of his throat, his lips feeling dry with arousal.
"I'd say it depends…"
"On what?" you hissed out sharply.
"On how tight your cunt feels. How well you're gonna listen… How pretty you're gonna sound."
You shuddered again, perhaps starting to realize what you had actually gotten yourself into.
"When?"
"Now," Joel told you as though it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"What?"
"What do you expect, little one?" he groaned lowly, leaning in so his breath was fanning your ear.
"You wanna get it over with, don't you? Why should we wait another day? Ain't no reason for ya to go home and clean yourself. You look pretty enough already. For me, at least."
Joel's firm grasp around your jaw tightened, tilting your head to the right, bringing his lips closer to your cheek.
"Okay." You were putting all your effort into making your voice sound stable and loud, but Joel, who had encountered far too many terrified people in his life, recognized fright when he heard it.
"How far away is your apartment?"
His lips met your skin, very lightly, to savor your softness. "My apartment? We're gonna do it right here, of course."
"Are you fucking serious?" you spat, trying to push his hand away, but this time, he didn't falter and only squeezed you more firmly against the wall.
"Ain't to your likin', princess? You think you deserve better than a muddy alleyway?"
"I just – It's disgusting here. Why can't we go to your apartment?"
You breathed raggedly, though your body remained still against the wall.
"'Cause I want you here. Now."
"You got a girl up there? You're gonna get yourself into trouble if you take me up?" you grinned, shifting your weight to your right foot for better stability. Your mouthy comment earned you a smack across your face, which made your scalp bump into the wall.
"Fuck you," you exclaimed, fighting to get his weight off you, but Joel didn't move an inch. And your pathetic attempts didn't succeed either.
"One more and the deal's off and I'm gonna fuck you just for fun, is that clear?"
"Fuck you," you spat again, but stilled, keeping your hands to yourself as Joel kissed the side of your neck.
"Stupid bitch. No wonder no soldier's fucked ya brains out before. Fuckin' nightmare listenin' to your complaints. Too bad, I ain't got a gag with me."
His right hand enclosed your throat, applying faint pressure, which would, for now, prevent you from getting out another snarky retort.
After kissing along your face for a while, his left hand roaming up and down your side, he suddenly pulled back and fixed you against the wall with his piercing gaze.
"Get on your knees."
"You're fucking joking," you rumbled.
"Do I look like I'm jokin'?"
"I'm not gonna go down on that ground." Eyes flicking to the dirt and unidentified puddles beneath your shoes, you shook your head a few times.
"Oh… you are, sweetheart. 'Cause if you don't, there won't be any deal."
"You didn't say anything about going on my knees. Besides, I don't wanna suck your disgusting cock. Who knows where it's been…"
Another slap. This time, your head turned to the side, blood rushing to where his handprint was appearing on your skin.
"Fuck," you cursed, kicking him with your foot, but Joel didn't react to it at all.
"On your knees," he just hummed, cutting off your air supply entirely, which made you choke. "Right now, you dirty slut. S'about time you're gettin' fucked in your mouth properly… Jesus Christ, I really picked a stubborn bitch, right? Arrogant, big-headed, proud bitch… You think you're too good for it, don't you? You're not. You're just like all the other sluts walking around here. And that's why you're gonna be treated like a slut. Go on now, or the fuckin' deal's off and you're gonna have to work another year before you see the outside world."
You grimaced as though you were in pain, wetness gathering on your waterline. Joel didn't know what to make of that mixture, that fine line between sad despair and bratiness… He had truly never experienced anything like it before. One moment you looked so pathetic, Joel almost felt pity, and the next moment you opened your mouth only to pour out spiteful, sassy comments that made his blood boil.
At least, you were obeying now and slowly sank to your knees in front of him.
God… the sight was heavenly.
You adjusted your position a couple of times, trying to find a spot that would do the least harm to your jeans, but soon, you realized that the brown, wet soil soaking the fabric was inevitable.
Then, you looked up at him, swallowing hard when Joel moved even closer until your head was trapped between the wall and his hips.
"That's it, darlin'… Just like that… That's how I pictured this."
While his right hand effortlessly unbuckled his belt like he had done it a million times before, his left snatched both your wrists and pinned them against the bricks above your head, making you completely helpless and at his mercy. He had the power to do whatever he pleased, and that idea set off an animalistic urge within him.
Eyes pinched shut, you turned your head to the side as Joel dropped his jeans and underwear, trying to evade his manhood, but there wasn't much room to move anyway. His hand landed at the back of your scalp and turned you around so that his half-hard cock was dangling in front of your face.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart. Eyes as well. I wanna see you, princess… you're much too pretty to close 'em."
"Asshole," you spat, turning your head one last time as if there was any chance you could avoid your fate if only you fought hard enough, but then Joel pried your jaw apart with his fingers and buried his member inside your mouth in one go. You gagged and coughed, drool creating a mess on your chin, but since the two of you were already in a filthy alleyway, Joel couldn't have minded the chaos less.
"Fuck, baby… That's it. No tryin' to get away from me now. The better you behave, the faster it'll be over."
All he had to do was rut his hips forward, drive them deeply inside your throat, and he had you pinned against the wall. Your hands wriggled, trying to get free, but Joel enjoyed you like this, being a restrained toy for him that couldn't fight back and had to remain in place while he did with you as he pleased.
Cock all the way inside you, Joel groaned lowly, glaring down at you and how you choked on his thick manhood. All he could think about was whether you had ever had a dick of that size. If your pretty mouth had ever produced so much spit, lips stretching so wide to swallow him.
"Good girl. Open wide for me, that's it… Look at you makin' a fuckin' mess. Even though you were scared of the dirt at first. You're only makin' it worse, you see that?"
Joel couldn't help but chuckle sordidly, especially as you whimpered so pathetically, your fingers curling to close around something, but you only touched air.
Not long after that, he found a steady rhythm, ensuring that he filled you properly with each thrust delivered into your mouth, nudging his tip against the hilt of your throat. He ignored your complaining and your struggling, paid no attention to your writhing body and didn't even stop when you started crying, softly at first. He certainly saw it, though, as he glanced down at you every few seconds.
"You're swallowin' it well, pretty girl… considerin' you don't do this all the time, I mean… Look at me, c'mon."
Sobbing gently, you shook your head, keeping your eyes closed to spare yourself the embarrassment of having Joel see your tears, but he remained merciless regardless. He loosened his grip around your head and brushed his knuckles against your cheek as though to warn you of what was about to happen if you didn't follow his instructions.
"Look at me, babygirl. Now."
Joel snapped his hips forward with as much force as possible, going way past your palate.
"Go on. You don't wanna suffer anymore, do ya?"
At last, you shifted your gaze, and he saw a pair of tear-soaked, glassy eyes pleading at him.
"There we go… Not so hard."
At this point, Joel was merely playing with you, nothing more. He couldn't wait to fuck you, and had already decided not to pump your throat full of his cum, but he enjoyed pushing you to your limits with his cock.
Your hands tied, you couldn't even signal how much you had to endure, so Joel had no idea whatsoever how close you might be to emptying your stomach all over his cock. Well, he would just have to risk it.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ… Can't believe you haven't used that pretty mouth before to please some lonely FEDRA soldier. S'gonna get ya far, 'lil princess… If you want some advice, I'm gonna tell ya to offer your services more often. Shit… it's so fucking good, it's gonna get ya anythin' you want."
Drool ran down your chin, your neck and even wetted your clothes, which Joel didn't care about in the slightest. You were a goddamn mess with your jeans dirty, your face coated in tears, snot and drool and your hair tousled. But you looked beautiful nevertheless. Maybe even lovelier than you would have been all tidy and clean. Because he knew that it was him alone who had corrupted you like that, him, who had ruined and ravished you in the most vulgar and primal way he could think of.
And Joel wanted even more. Which was why he worked himself inside you one more time, balls squeezed against your face as if to say goodbye to that part of your body, growled darkly as his tip was snugly hugged by your throat walls, and then pulled back abruptly.
You gasped loudly, jerking forward as Joel had let go of your hands as well. No, you really had bigger problems than the dirt on the street now, Joel thought, watching your flat hands support your trembling body on the damp ground.
"Get up," he barked, but you didn't react at once. You forced shallow breaths through your lungs, your chest rising and falling irregularly while Joel examined you condescendingly.
"Get up right now, bitch."
This time, it was your bicep that had to suffer under his iron grip as he yanked you up to your feet like you were a ragdoll. Still, you were unable to let out anything aside from heavy panting and quiet whimpering, but it didn't matter to Joel, who spun you around and shoved you against the wall face first.
"You wanted this. You wanted this trade. Don't act like I'm forcin' ya to do anything now just 'cause our 'lil princess is used to more tender hands than mine. You could have it much worse, ungrateful slut. You know about the sick shit that other guys would do to you? They'd probably make you drink their piss or make you lick their fuckin' boots. You should thank me on your knees that I let you off the hook so easily."
You were too weak, breathing too heavily to hold yourself up on your own. Joel helped you, though. He twisted your hands behind your back again and held them there, kicking your feet apart with his foot.
"Let’s see what you're hidin' there…"
Your jeans and underwear were pulled down quickly, bunched around your knees, but before Joel fed your pussy his cock, he wanted to catch a glimpse of your tits. After all, he wouldn't waste an opportunity like that and come within a few minutes just because he was so touch-starved.
He did you the courtesy of not tearing your clothes, though he didn't have the patience to wait until he had slipped your shirt over your head. Instead, Joel just shoved the fabric up your abdomen, bunching it under your arms and cupping your breast through the cups of your bra.
"Fuckin' hell, you're a pretty girl. A fuckin' shame no one gets to see 'em. You're gonna change that from now on, princess? You're gonna bless the others in the QZ with 'em?"
Joel tugged you closer against his broad chest, relishing the sheer difference in size between the two of you. His hand slowly pushed the cup to the side to grope your bare flesh, which had just the right weight in his palm.
"N-No," you answered his question, eyes flashing with hostility. You tried to peer over your shoulder, but with your hands pinned to the small of your back, you didn't have much room to move.
"No? Why's that? You got any dignity left in you after all?"
He cruelly twisted your nipple, which didn't allow you to respond as you howled.
"Fuck… Joel, please, I—"
"What? You want me to make ya cum?"
"I don't know," you wailed, spine quivering and feet shifting your weight from one to the other.
"You don't know?" He scoffed through gritted teeth. "You're a goddamn mess, babygirl. Just look at you cryin' over my dick."
You jolted, feeling his hand swat your breast.
"That's it… They're lookin' really good in my hands, princess. You see that? Look down. Look at your poor nipples."
To emphasize his words, Joel pinched them between his thumb and index finger, grinning wryly as they turned stiff and red.
"You want me to fuck you now, sweetheart?"
"No," it burst out of you.
"No? So you don't want us to have a deal?"
"No, I… I do," you admitted, your neck bending to watch what his hand was doing to your chest, which was mostly squeezing your flesh and torturing your sensitive buds.
When his hand wrapped around your neck again, your lids fell shut, and you seemed to shrink even more against his much wider and stronger body.
"So you want me to fuck ya. 'Cause that's the condition for our deal."
"Yeah," you muttered.
"Say it. Say that you want me to fuck ya. Beg for it."
"Joel…" you cried, clearly frustrated by his request. Of course you were. What he did was cruel, downright sadistic, but your cute innocence and your warm body were unleashing horrendous sides of him.
"Beg for it. Tell me how much you need it. How badly you want it to happen so that I can get you outta here."
"Please…" you whimpered, though he couldn't tell if you were already pleading like he had ordered you to or if you were still refusing to degrade yourself even more for him.
"Tell me."
"Please… f-fuck me. Please, Joel."
"That’s it…" Joel praised, rubbing the swell of your chest with his thumb. "More. I wanna hear how much you want it."
"Please. Fuck me, Joel, please. I need to—I need you to do it, please."
He wasn't blind to how much it hurt you to say those words, which only made all of this even more delightful.
"You need it that bad, kitten?" Joel grunted, guiding his cock between your folds.
"Y-Yes, Joel. Please."
You weren't wet, not really, anyway. He could feel a little arousal at your entrance, but it surely wouldn't be enough to provide a comfortable experience. And you knew that too.
"Joel, please don’t make it hurt," you whispered, trying to wriggle your hands free once more, without success.
You were on the verge of crying again, blinking rapidly to make the thick droplets disappear before they could roll down your face. Fright was coiling in your stomach. Dread that hadn't been there like this before. Sure, you had been scared of throwing up when his cock had been so deep inside your throat, but it wasn't comparable to what you were feeling right now.
You had been with a man before, but Spencer had been gentle and careful, especially during your first time. He hadn't been like Joel. This man took what he wanted, and he even seemed to find twisted pleasure in your pain and panic. Well, if that was the case, this must be paradise for him.
"I can't promise you that, darlin'," he muttered against your earlobe, tapping the tip of his heavy cock against your tense entrance.
"Please…" you mewled again, the only thing you could think about being the imminent pain. What if you bled? What if you fainted or cried so hard Joel would call the deal off with the justification that you weren't willingly giving yourself to him? You needed this so badly. You just had to get out of here, whatever it took, leave this place behind and—
Ow.
Your knees buckled, pain shooting through your lower belly. It hurt like shit, but at least it wasn't as bad as you had pictured the first thrust to be, which was remarkable considering Joel wasn't holding back at all.
He tried to bury himself inside you at once, but since your pussy was clenched and not as wet as it was supposed to be, he had to stop halfway.
"C'mon, babygirl… Loosen up for me. I know it must hurt. You don't want it to hurt that bad, right?"
You stayed silent, grinding your teeth to handle the sharp sting in your core.
"Answer me, stupid slut."
"Y-Yes. I want it to stop."
"Then relax. Relax, and let me in, or otherwise, I swear to God, I'm gonna make you let me in. And it ain't gonna be pleasant."
You drew a heavy breath, even though you noticed how his threats only caused you to tense up more. Your legs shaking with fear, your forearms covered in goosebumps from the cold or your anxiety, you focused on your lungs and how they slowly opened up. Every inch you opened up for him, Joel seized at once, and when he was fully sheathed inside you at last, you could barely withstand the pain.
You felt dizzy, your vision covered with spots, which made you believe that you were about to faint. Joel seemed content, though.
"There it is… All the way inside ya pretty pussy… she's perfect, just like the rest of ya. Warm and wet like your mouth… I couldn't choose if I had to."
He withdrew slowly, waited a moment, and then slammed back inside, your knees trembling from the force.
"You like that, sweetheart?"
"N-No," you whimpered, a few tears silently streaming down your already wet face.
"Mhmm. Is that right? You in pain?"
"Yes."
You wanted to bury your face somewhere, preferably against the wall, in order to at least act like he wasn't there, but there was no way for you to push his hand away from your airway.
"And you think I care? You're here to buy your way out of this shithole. I didn't say this would be pleasant for you too. But you're still gonna cum for me."
You had no idea how Joel intended to make that part of your plan happen. He could hold you up against the wall for hours, and you probably would still be crying by the time one of you fell asleep.
Your body felt exhausted and numb. The only other feeling there was was pain. And there was no trace of pleasure.
But that changed soon when Joel slung his arm around your hip and slipped his hand between your thighs to rub your clit. You hated it.
You hated it so much, you squeezed your eyes shut just to pretend that this wasn't Joel Miller, the rude, evil asshole who was forcing your body to feel just an ounce of positive emotion toward him, but perhaps your own hand. Or maybe you could pretend that it was Spencer instead. He had sometimes touched your clit, but it had felt different. Less intense… but softer. With more love carried by his hand.
"Yeah, that's it… Can already feel you soakin' my cock like a 'lil whore. You pretend you hate it, but I can feel you suckin' me in. You wanna play unbothered so badly, but you're gonna cum for me all the same like the pathetic slut that you are. Don't try to fight it, sweetheart, it's only gonna make it harder."
The next few minutes were a total blur to you. You could feel his cock drive in and out of you at a rapid pace, your pussy mercilessly abused by his massive dick that stretched your entrance every time you clenched around him. Every thrust hurt a little as he forced your walls to give way to him, but after some time, mixed with his touch on your clit, there was something else swamping your system.
Pleasure.
Pleasure that you despised even more than the pain. Pleasure that you wished you could drown out through sheer willpower.
You hated how Joel took advantage of your exposed, vulnerable body and made you feel things that you didn't want to feel, but in a matter of minutes, you were panting for this man like a dog, your mouth open and your pupils blown wide with pleasure.
If all of this wasn't bad enough, you felt yourself approaching your apex with every circle he drew around your clit, his motions strangely in sync with his hips crashing into yours.
You felt humiliated and disgusting.
How could you even just mildly enjoy what he was doing to you? This man was cruel and vicious, he treated you like shit and hadn't made a secret of using you for his fun alone. He was taking advantage of your emergency situation to reduce a young girl to her lowest point. Just because it turned him on in some nauseating way.
But none of these thoughts changed anything about your hot body, the faint prickling that spread through your thighs. All of a sudden, the pain was secondary. Instead, you realized how good it felt to have your g-spot kissed while his finger pressed relentlessly against your clit, coaxing out little whimpers that, for the very first time, weren't caused by sorrow.
"Yeah, I know…" Joel growled and cut off your air supply in a way that made you see stars. Why did it only make everything a million times more intense?
"You just can't help it, can ya? That 'lil cunt just needs a fat cock to fill 'er. Cum for me, princess. Show me what a whore you are. Show me how greedy that 'lil cunt is."
Even though you resented yourself for it in the moment while it happened, you followed his instructions blindly. A minute later, you orgasmed hard, your legs giving in, which left Joel no choice but to free your wrists and wrap an arm around your hip to keep you upright.
"That's it… I knew it when I saw ya, princess… You pretended to be a naïve 'lil girl who can't harm a fly, but deep down, you're a nasty whore. Look what I did to ya… How I ruined ya, what I freed in you."
After hissing those hurtful words in your ear, Joel brought his left hand to your shoulder blades and applied light pressure, caging you between his body, which resembled a steel wall, and the building.
"And now, you're gonna take my cum into your slutty cunt. Like whores are supposed to. They're supposed to serve, baby… To make me feel good."
You awakened like someone had snapped with their fingers, the blood freezing in your veins.
"No. No, Joel, no."
"No what?" he growled, picking up his pace, which caused loud smacking noises to echo off the walls of the narrow alleyway. His hips crashed into your ass, skin slapping skin and his balls bruising your pussy further.
"You can't cum inside, Joel, please. You can't. I can't get pregnant."
"You think I care about that, princess? You think I care about what happens to you after you leave the QZ?"
Panic washed over you, and even your tired limbs seemed to regain some of their strength, kicking him roughly.
"Please. My life's gonna be ruined, I -"
"I already ruined you, sweetheart. Haven’t you noticed that yet?"
You wanted to cry, but what you did instead was press your lips together, praying that all of this was just an ugly nightmare you would wake up from soon. You couldn't cry anymore. Your body had already let out all the liquid, and all that was left of you was a dark void.
"You should be grateful…" Joel barked after a while, delivering some sharp, bruising pounds into your wet hole, which you barely even sensed, feeling exhausted and dazed.
"I let you cum. I didn't have to do any of that. Could've just used you like a fuck toy."
His breathing became restless, which made you think that he was close and it would be a matter of minutes until he came. But then, suddenly, Joel pulled out, wheeled you around, and shoved you down to kneel in front of him once more.
You scarcely even reacted, feeling too languid to even wince at the pain of your sore knees scrubbing the floor. For a beat, nothing happened except for Joel's hand stroking his cock in front of your face. Then you felt heavy ropes of his seed land all over your skin, but first and foremost your chin, which, you only now remembered, was already painted with spit and tears.
Joel rumbled under his breath, though most of it was too quiet and distant to understand. Some of it you did, though.
"Jesus fuckin'... oh fuck, yeah. That's it. That's it, sweetheart, lookin' so fuckin'... Holy shit." You had your eyes closed, your bottom lip tasting of salt.
"Open your eyes."
You only obeyed after he had ordered you a second time.
"Get up."
Had it been so dark around you before? Goddamnit, how long had you been in this alleyway with Joel?
"You're a goddamn mess," Joel hissed through gritted teeth, holding you by your bicep so you wouldn't stumble to the ground. "You think I'd waste my cum on such a dumb 'lil thing as you? You think I'd risk knockin' a whore like you up with my seed?"
In truth, you didn't care about his humiliating motives. The only important thing was that you wouldn't have to scoop out his cum once you were back home.
"You don't deserve it, darlin'. Look at me."
You raised your chin slowly, sniffling softly. It felt incredibly shameful presenting your marked and messy face to him, but he left you no choice.
You didn't even want to picture what you looked like right now and assumed it was better that way. You would just close your eyes when you stood in front of the mirror in your bathroom a few minutes later and blindly rub his cum off your face. And then hopefully never feel what you were feeling right now again. The guilt and embarrassment would be washed out of your system with the last traces of his seed flowing down the drain.
"You look like a proper whore. I did a good job... Just what you were supposed to look like from the start..."
"When is it gonna happen? When are you gonna get me out of here?"
Joel smirked broadly, like he had never had any more fun in his life, then gently brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, which made a shudder ripple down your spine.
"Well... that depends."
Your face hardened, a lump settling in your dry throat.
"If you're gonna meet me here again... Tomorrow night, in that same alleyway... It's gonna happen in two days. But if I'm gonna arrive here and you don't show up... let's make it two weeks. It's your choice, sweetheart."
With that, he dropped your chin.
He didn't even give you any time to reply, just patting the side of your head with a dirty smile while your mouth hung open. You wanted to call his name, protest, and tell him to go fuck himself.
Maybe you should have done that.
But you were speechless and couldn't move. All you could do was watch him confidently stride away from you until the darkness had swallowed him whole, leaving your trembling form behind, your jeans still bundled around your knees and your face covered with his cum as though he owned you.
You desperately want to get out of the QZ, but unfortunately the only person who can help you is Joel Miller, whose price isn't cigarettes or pills.
Contains: smut, dubcon, noncon (just in case!), power imbalance, dark themes, dddne, coercion, massive age gap (reader is in her 20s, Joel is 52), manipulation, Joel taking advantage of reader's desperate situation, oral sex, rough blow job, dirty talk, gagging, name calling (baby, sweetheart, bitch etc), slut shaming, degradation, Joel pinning reader against the wall, humiliation, begging, cum down reader's throat, p in v, unprotected sex, Joel scaring reader to cum inside her, damrk!Joel, desperate!reader, angst, physical pain
Wordcount: 7,187
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Joel's strides were long, rushed and determined as he passed decrepit building after rancid garbage can.
The smell in the streets of the QZ, he had gotten used to by now. The sight of dead, starved bodies as well.
And yet, heading through the city to get from one place to another was normally a task everyone wanted to get over with as quickly as possible. Which was why Joel hoped that his hurried steps would carry him back to his apartment building fast before anything, least of all some lost firefly or FEDRA soldier, could disturb him.
His posture, the way his brow was drawn rigid, most definitely conveyed disinterest in any kind of human interaction, though in this neighborhood, people usually only went about their own business anyway. Friendly contact with others was rare, a few exchanged words rarer, and even just a smile even more unlikely.
It was no wonder that Joel's hand instinctively flew to his holster when he suddenly sensed a shadow to his left.
Someone was rushing out of an alleyway, clearly approaching him, which Joel didn't like at all.
His fingers tightened around the handle, body jerking backward to get some distance between him and the creature and assess what they might want from him when he noticed a woman.
A young woman, probably in her twenties. When you raised your hands in a de-escalating way, Joel's grasp loosened as well, though his eyes remained narrow and cold.
"Please, no. I'm just – I need to talk to you," you whispered, suspiciously glancing to your left and right like you were being followed. Joel liked that even less.
"What do you want?" he barked, still aiming the gun at you, even though he doubted you could overpower him, considering that you were a lot smaller than him.
"You're Joel, right? Joel Miller?"
"What do you want?" Joel repeated the question, growing even more wary at your knowledge of his identity. It wasn't a rare thing for people to know him since he had made himself a name as a feared and brutal killer as well as a skilled smuggler, but a person showing up so intentionally with the clear goal of speaking with him was strange and not that familiar to him.
"You know how to get people out of here, don't you?" Your eyes nervously scurried across his face as though to take in every wrinkle and line around his mouth to figure out whether he could help you.
"Out of where?" he hissed through a clenched jaw, slowly lowering the gun.
"Can we – Can we talk here?" you uttered instead of answering his question, peering over your shoulder to the alleyway you had come from.
He briefly considered condescendingly scoffing and leaving you here as he felt no desire to spend a second longer out here than necessary, but in the end, Joel felt too curious to find out what you wanted. Besides, you were just a little girl who he could still shoot any time if you brought him any trouble.
"What do you want?" he groaned again once they had walked a few strides, bodies swallowed by the tall buildings to their left and right.
To exude dominance at once, Joel folded his arms in front of him and came a little closer, your back just an inch or two away from the wall behind you. It couldn't do any harm to establish and confirm his reputation instantly and present himself as the rude and sinister man everyone knew him as.
"I need to get out of the QZ without anyone noticing…" you finally explained and tangled your hands in front of your stomach. "And I heard that you're just the right guy for that. For smuggling people out."
Joel's teeth bared slightly, his eyes glistening dark as he sneered.
"Oh yeah? Where'd you hear that?"
"Everyone's saying it. I heard from a friend. He told me you got his sister out. Two months ago. And my cousin knows someone who you helped too."
Joel exhaled deeply, enjoying the power he held over you at that moment, your pupils twitching just the slightest as if it was your body's only way to handle the tension within your muscles. You were clearly anxious, terrified of hearing an answer that wouldn't please you out of his mouth, and for now, Joel wasn't in any hurry to relieve you of those feelings.
Not while the superiority delighted him in such a way.
"Is that right…"
"Don't fuck with me," you suddenly spat, grinding your teeth and jutting your jaw out. "I know that you helped them. And I want you to help me."
"Careful. I pick the people that I wanna help. You think you're the only one who wants to leave this shithole? I got a line of people who'd sell me their kidney to get out. And you know what I really hate?" Joel's face came closer, hovering a few inches away from you, which made you take a small step backward.
"Mouthy brats who think their attitude's gonna get them anywhere other than the dump."
Your jaw remained taut, though Joel could clearly see your throat bob. Your panting was labored and uneven as you wetted your lips.
"I can pay you."
"How much?" he growled, not attempting to back away from you.
"I got pills. And cigarettes. Lots of them."
"How much?"
Lashes fluttering, you quickly looked to your left and right only to discover that the alley was still empty. Joel was yet to figure out if you were relieved or terrified by that fact.
"I got about 60 pills I can give you. Maybe four packs of cigarettes?"
He didn't need to be a genius to figure out that you had no idea what you were doing. He even doubted that you had ever traded with someone like that before, at least not a bargain of such size. 60 pills in addition to four packs of cigarettes was an amazing deal and something Joel would have accepted from anyone else without so much as the blink of an eye.
But since you still appeared to be shaking like a leaf, your eyes frantically hushing over his face even though you tried to disguise it as best as you could, Joel decided to uphold the game a little longer.
Besides… perhaps he could push things further.
After all, you were pretty and young, looked relatively clean and healthy, which usually was the best currency there was in a fucked-up place like this.
"Oh no, darlin'…" Joel hummed, precisely observing your heavy panting and your trembling hands.
"What?" you hissed out. "It's a good deal."
"Might've been a good deal a few years back… But nowadays, I'm afraid it's gonna get ya to the first watchtower. If you're lucky. But out of the QZ… you'd probably have to double that amount."
"What?" you whispered, clutching the hem of your jacket while Joel casually lifted his eyebrows, coming off purely unimpressed and unbothered by your panic. "I saved up for ages for this. I can't just – Please, you gotta help me. I got medicine… Or ammo. I just need to get out of here, please."
A rush of adrenaline went through his spine, making his head spin. Joel didn't know what it said about him, if he was just a bad person through and through or if all those years in the QZ had turned him into a demon. But the fact was that his insides pleasantly flipped at the sight of your despair, your helplessness and cluelessness. It made him think of horrible, vicious things such as taking advantage of your ignorance.
Perhaps the reason for his enjoyment was the fact that he was drawn to naivety after spending so much time in a place where one person was more unscrupulous than the next. Innocence and greenness were as rare as clean water that didn't come from FEDRA.
"So what you're tryna tell me is that you ain't got anythin' to pay me with," Joel said slowly, brow wrinkled and shoulders pulled back to make himself even taller compared to you.
"As I said, I got pills and – "
"You ain't got enough to pay me," he corrected himself.
"I… Yes. But I can – I can get more. Just give me a few days, maybe a week or two and I – I can pay you. I promise. Or – " You raised your hands, eyes big as plates. "When I'm outside the QZ, I can – "
"No," Joel grunted, gaze boring into your cheeks like laser pointers. "Don't even start a sentence with 'when I'm outside the QZ.' I don't take payment after I do the job. You're gonna pay me now. Or there's no deal."
"Then give me a week or two. Just – Let's agree to a day and a time and we can meet here again and I'm gonna bring all I have and…" Your voice trailed off into the void, your eyes getting sadder as you sensed feigned pity upon his features.
"Please," you begged and glanced around the alleyway again. Still, no one.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But it doesn't look good, does it?"
He paused, allowing the gravity of his words to sink in. Only then, as your head dropped, shoulders slackening, did he clear his throat and allow himself to form the sentence that had the potential to change everything for you.
"But you know that pills 'n' cigarettes ain't the only thing you can pay me with."
Your head stirred just the slightest, eyes slowly trailing up his thick neck. Joel took a generous breath, leaning in a little.
"You're a pretty girl," he then continued, wondering how long it would take for you to understand what he was implying. "Very pretty. You got a value in this city that others can only dream of."
Finally, your blown pupils set on his face again, terror marked in the lines around your eyes. But Joel wouldn't back away now that he had put the option in the room. An option he would be more than pleased with.
"Oh c'mon… You're tryin' to tell me you've never used that pretty body of yours as currency to get somethin'? Or… get somewhere?"
"I – I haven't…"
"No?" Joel asked, eyebrows high up his face. "You've never let someone touch you in exchange for somethin'?"
This time, he waited, trying to pick up any shame or guilt that was deeply rooted within you, but all he could find was fear and concern.
"No. I haven't," you finally murmured, wincing as Joel put a finger underneath your chin to force you to meet his ardent gaze.
"Well… if that isn't interesting. And even better for me. S'a lot more fun to touch a naïve, innocent thing like you rather than a whore who spreads 'er legs for any FEDRA officer."
Your expression turned rigid, eyes spewing fire while you forcefully pushed away his hand from your face.
"Fuck you. I'm not gonna let you touch me, you fucking… creep."
Nothing in his expression, nor posture changed as his hand hovered inches away from your body without attempting another try to connect it with your skin.
"Alright. As you like it. You can just leave and find someone else to smuggle you out of the QZ. I'm sure that ain't gonna be a problem for you, right?"
Joel triumphed at your wavering attitude, your teeth painfully chewing on your bottom lip.
"Shit…" you fizzled, running a hand over the upper part of your face. "You're disgusting. You're like… 60. That's so fucked-up."
"52, darlin'. And I'm not the disgusting part. You are. 'Cause you're considerin' it. Even though you know how wrong it is. But you're gonna do it either way 'cause you need my help. And that makes you feel disgusted with yourself."
Joel waited for you to say something, but when you just toyed with the zip of your jacket instead, he took up more space by continuing to fill the air with his brassy voice.
"Are you a virgin?"
"What?" you gasped, jerking at the sharpness of the question.
"I said are you a virgin, sweetheart."
"No… I'm not," you mumbled against the collar of your shirt.
"So you let someone touch you. Who?"
"This is none of your business," you claimed, regaining some of your initial stubbornness, which Joel didn't like at all.
"Alright. I see."
He took a small step backward, shrugging lightly, which seemed to make you awaken from your dream, the anger notched into your face muscles falling off you.
"No, I… No, wait. I… There was a guy I – I was seeing sometimes. But I've never fucked someone to get something before. I promise."
Maybe you weren't quite as stupid as Joel had believed, considering that you seemed to have understood that the knowledge that you hadn't been with many guys before was what he placed value in.
Joel wanted to be the one who corrupted you. He wanted to steal your sweet innocence, your bewilderment about the fact that some women had to take such measures to get what they wanted, and fuck it out of you. He wanted to be the man that changed, no, even moldered your worldview and showed you the worst sides of humanity. All while getting his dick wet, obviously.
"What a good girl you are…" Joel scoffed and clasped his hand around your chin once more, ignoring your faint squirming. "But I'm gonna change that."
You whined softly, driving your teeth into your lower lip while Joel pressed you back against the wall behind you.
"I'm gonna show you what it feels like for all those silly girls who gotta open their thighs for dirty, rough traders. So, you want that? You're gonna let me touch ya?"
Thoughts rattled behind your forehead, doubt flashing across your face before you gulped loudly and turned your head to the side.
"If I let you, you're gonna get me out of here, right? You're gonna help me escape the QZ?"
"I will, sweetheart," Joel promised, his eyes glued to your plump lips.
"And do I also have to give you the cigarettes and pills?"
A throaty chuckle bubbled in the back of his throat, his lips feeling dry with arousal.
"I'd say it depends…"
"On what?" you hissed out sharply.
"On how tight your cunt feels. How well you're gonna listen… How pretty you're gonna sound."
You shuddered again, perhaps starting to realize what you had actually gotten yourself into.
"When?"
"Now," Joel told you as though it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"What?"
"What do you expect, little one?" he groaned lowly, leaning in so his breath was fanning your ear.
"You wanna get it over with, don't you? Why should we wait another day? Ain't no reason for ya to go home and clean yourself. You look pretty enough already. For me, at least."
Joel's firm grasp around your jaw tightened, tilting your head to the right, bringing his lips closer to your cheek.
"Okay." You were putting all your effort into making your voice sound stable and loud, but Joel, who had encountered far too many terrified people in his life, recognized fright when he heard it.
"How far away is your apartment?"
His lips met your skin, very lightly, to savor your softness. "My apartment? We're gonna do it right here, of course."
"Are you fucking serious?" you spat, trying to push his hand away, but this time, he didn't falter and only squeezed you more firmly against the wall.
"Ain't to your likin', princess? You think you deserve better than a muddy alleyway?"
"I just – It's disgusting here. Why can't we go to your apartment?"
You breathed raggedly, though your body remained still against the wall.
"'Cause I want you here. Now."
"You got a girl up there? You're gonna get yourself into trouble if you take me up?" you grinned, shifting your weight to your right foot for better stability. Your mouthy comment earned you a smack across your face, which made your scalp bump into the wall.
"Fuck you," you exclaimed, fighting to get his weight off you, but Joel didn't move an inch. And your pathetic attempts didn't succeed either.
"One more and the deal's off and I'm gonna fuck you just for fun, is that clear?"
"Fuck you," you spat again, but stilled, keeping your hands to yourself as Joel kissed the side of your neck.
"Stupid bitch. No wonder no soldier's fucked ya brains out before. Fuckin' nightmare listenin' to your complaints. Too bad, I ain't got a gag with me."
His right hand enclosed your throat, applying faint pressure, which would, for now, prevent you from getting out another snarky retort.
After kissing along your face for a while, his left hand roaming up and down your side, he suddenly pulled back and fixed you against the wall with his piercing gaze.
"Get on your knees."
"You're fucking joking," you rumbled.
"Do I look like I'm jokin'?"
"I'm not gonna go down on that ground." Eyes flicking to the dirt and unidentified puddles beneath your shoes, you shook your head a few times.
"Oh… you are, sweetheart. 'Cause if you don't, there won't be any deal."
"You didn't say anything about going on my knees. Besides, I don't wanna suck your disgusting cock. Who knows where it's been…"
Another slap. This time, your head turned to the side, blood rushing to where his handprint was appearing on your skin.
"Fuck," you cursed, kicking him with your foot, but Joel didn't react to it at all.
"On your knees," he just hummed, cutting off your air supply entirely, which made you choke. "Right now, you dirty slut. S'about time you're gettin' fucked in your mouth properly… Jesus Christ, I really picked a stubborn bitch, right? Arrogant, big-headed, proud bitch… You think you're too good for it, don't you? You're not. You're just like all the other sluts walking around here. And that's why you're gonna be treated like a slut. Go on now, or the fuckin' deal's off and you're gonna have to work another year before you see the outside world."
You grimaced as though you were in pain, wetness gathering on your waterline. Joel didn't know what to make of that mixture, that fine line between sad despair and bratiness… He had truly never experienced anything like it before. One moment you looked so pathetic, Joel almost felt pity, and the next moment you opened your mouth only to pour out spiteful, sassy comments that made his blood boil.
At least, you were obeying now and slowly sank to your knees in front of him.
God… the sight was heavenly.
You adjusted your position a couple of times, trying to find a spot that would do the least harm to your jeans, but soon, you realized that the brown, wet soil soaking the fabric was inevitable.
Then, you looked up at him, swallowing hard when Joel moved even closer until your head was trapped between the wall and his hips.
"That's it, darlin'… Just like that… That's how I pictured this."
While his right hand effortlessly unbuckled his belt like he had done it a million times before, his left snatched both your wrists and pinned them against the bricks above your head, making you completely helpless and at his mercy. He had the power to do whatever he pleased, and that idea set off an animalistic urge within him.
Eyes pinched shut, you turned your head to the side as Joel dropped his jeans and underwear, trying to evade his manhood, but there wasn't much room to move anyway. His hand landed at the back of your scalp and turned you around so that his half-hard cock was dangling in front of your face.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart. Eyes as well. I wanna see you, princess… you're much too pretty to close 'em."
"Asshole," you spat, turning your head one last time as if there was any chance you could avoid your fate if only you fought hard enough, but then Joel pried your jaw apart with his fingers and buried his member inside your mouth in one go. You gagged and coughed, drool creating a mess on your chin, but since the two of you were already in a filthy alleyway, Joel couldn't have minded the chaos less.
"Fuck, baby… That's it. No tryin' to get away from me now. The better you behave, the faster it'll be over."
All he had to do was rut his hips forward, drive them deeply inside your throat, and he had you pinned against the wall. Your hands wriggled, trying to get free, but Joel enjoyed you like this, being a restrained toy for him that couldn't fight back and had to remain in place while he did with you as he pleased.
Cock all the way inside you, Joel groaned lowly, glaring down at you and how you choked on his thick manhood. All he could think about was whether you had ever had a dick of that size. If your pretty mouth had ever produced so much spit, lips stretching so wide to swallow him.
"Good girl. Open wide for me, that's it… Look at you makin' a fuckin' mess. Even though you were scared of the dirt at first. You're only makin' it worse, you see that?"
Joel couldn't help but chuckle sordidly, especially as you whimpered so pathetically, your fingers curling to close around something, but you only touched air.
Not long after that, he found a steady rhythm, ensuring that he filled you properly with each thrust delivered into your mouth, nudging his tip against the hilt of your throat. He ignored your complaining and your struggling, paid no attention to your writhing body and didn't even stop when you started crying, softly at first. He certainly saw it, though, as he glanced down at you every few seconds.
"You're swallowin' it well, pretty girl… considerin' you don't do this all the time, I mean… Look at me, c'mon."
Sobbing gently, you shook your head, keeping your eyes closed to spare yourself the embarrassment of having Joel see your tears, but he remained merciless regardless. He loosened his grip around your head and brushed his knuckles against your cheek as though to warn you of what was about to happen if you didn't follow his instructions.
"Look at me, babygirl. Now."
Joel snapped his hips forward with as much force as possible, going way past your palate.
"Go on. You don't wanna suffer anymore, do ya?"
At last, you shifted your gaze, and he saw a pair of tear-soaked, glassy eyes pleading at him.
"There we go… Not so hard."
At this point, Joel was merely playing with you, nothing more. He couldn't wait to fuck you, and had already decided not to pump your throat full of his cum, but he enjoyed pushing you to your limits with his cock.
Your hands tied, you couldn't even signal how much you had to endure, so Joel had no idea whatsoever how close you might be to emptying your stomach all over his cock. Well, he would just have to risk it.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ… Can't believe you haven't used that pretty mouth before to please some lonely FEDRA soldier. S'gonna get ya far, 'lil princess… If you want some advice, I'm gonna tell ya to offer your services more often. Shit… it's so fucking good, it's gonna get ya anythin' you want."
Drool ran down your chin, your neck and even wetted your clothes, which Joel didn't care about in the slightest. You were a goddamn mess with your jeans dirty, your face coated in tears, snot and drool and your hair tousled. But you looked beautiful nevertheless. Maybe even lovelier than you would have been all tidy and clean. Because he knew that it was him alone who had corrupted you like that, him, who had ruined and ravished you in the most vulgar and primal way he could think of.
And Joel wanted even more. Which was why he worked himself inside you one more time, balls squeezed against your face as if to say goodbye to that part of your body, growled darkly as his tip was snugly hugged by your throat walls, and then pulled back abruptly.
You gasped loudly, jerking forward as Joel had let go of your hands as well. No, you really had bigger problems than the dirt on the street now, Joel thought, watching your flat hands support your trembling body on the damp ground.
"Get up," he barked, but you didn't react at once. You forced shallow breaths through your lungs, your chest rising and falling irregularly while Joel examined you condescendingly.
"Get up right now, bitch."
This time, it was your bicep that had to suffer under his iron grip as he yanked you up to your feet like you were a ragdoll. Still, you were unable to let out anything aside from heavy panting and quiet whimpering, but it didn't matter to Joel, who spun you around and shoved you against the wall face first.
"You wanted this. You wanted this trade. Don't act like I'm forcin' ya to do anything now just 'cause our 'lil princess is used to more tender hands than mine. You could have it much worse, ungrateful slut. You know about the sick shit that other guys would do to you? They'd probably make you drink their piss or make you lick their fuckin' boots. You should thank me on your knees that I let you off the hook so easily."
You were too weak, breathing too heavily to hold yourself up on your own. Joel helped you, though. He twisted your hands behind your back again and held them there, kicking your feet apart with his foot.
"Let’s see what you're hidin' there…"
Your jeans and underwear were pulled down quickly, bunched around your knees, but before Joel fed your pussy his cock, he wanted to catch a glimpse of your tits. After all, he wouldn't waste an opportunity like that and come within a few minutes just because he was so touch-starved.
He did you the courtesy of not tearing your clothes, though he didn't have the patience to wait until he had slipped your shirt over your head. Instead, Joel just shoved the fabric up your abdomen, bunching it under your arms and cupping your breast through the cups of your bra.
"Fuckin' hell, you're a pretty girl. A fuckin' shame no one gets to see 'em. You're gonna change that from now on, princess? You're gonna bless the others in the QZ with 'em?"
Joel tugged you closer against his broad chest, relishing the sheer difference in size between the two of you. His hand slowly pushed the cup to the side to grope your bare flesh, which had just the right weight in his palm.
"N-No," you answered his question, eyes flashing with hostility. You tried to peer over your shoulder, but with your hands pinned to the small of your back, you didn't have much room to move.
"No? Why's that? You got any dignity left in you after all?"
He cruelly twisted your nipple, which didn't allow you to respond as you howled.
"Fuck… Joel, please, I—"
"What? You want me to make ya cum?"
"I don't know," you wailed, spine quivering and feet shifting your weight from one to the other.
"You don't know?" He scoffed through gritted teeth. "You're a goddamn mess, babygirl. Just look at you cryin' over my dick."
You jolted, feeling his hand swat your breast.
"That's it… They're lookin' really good in my hands, princess. You see that? Look down. Look at your poor nipples."
To emphasize his words, Joel pinched them between his thumb and index finger, grinning wryly as they turned stiff and red.
"You want me to fuck you now, sweetheart?"
"No," it burst out of you.
"No? So you don't want us to have a deal?"
"No, I… I do," you admitted, your neck bending to watch what his hand was doing to your chest, which was mostly squeezing your flesh and torturing your sensitive buds.
When his hand wrapped around your neck again, your lids fell shut, and you seemed to shrink even more against his much wider and stronger body.
"So you want me to fuck ya. 'Cause that's the condition for our deal."
"Yeah," you muttered.
"Say it. Say that you want me to fuck ya. Beg for it."
"Joel…" you cried, clearly frustrated by his request. Of course you were. What he did was cruel, downright sadistic, but your cute innocence and your warm body were unleashing horrendous sides of him.
"Beg for it. Tell me how much you need it. How badly you want it to happen so that I can get you outta here."
"Please…" you whimpered, though he couldn't tell if you were already pleading like he had ordered you to or if you were still refusing to degrade yourself even more for him.
"Tell me."
"Please… f-fuck me. Please, Joel."
"That’s it…" Joel praised, rubbing the swell of your chest with his thumb. "More. I wanna hear how much you want it."
"Please. Fuck me, Joel, please. I need to—I need you to do it, please."
He wasn't blind to how much it hurt you to say those words, which only made all of this even more delightful.
"You need it that bad, kitten?" Joel grunted, guiding his cock between your folds.
"Y-Yes, Joel. Please."
You weren't wet, not really, anyway. He could feel a little arousal at your entrance, but it surely wouldn't be enough to provide a comfortable experience. And you knew that too.
"Joel, please don’t make it hurt," you whispered, trying to wriggle your hands free once more, without success.
You were on the verge of crying again, blinking rapidly to make the thick droplets disappear before they could roll down your face. Fright was coiling in your stomach. Dread that hadn't been there like this before. Sure, you had been scared of throwing up when his cock had been so deep inside your throat, but it wasn't comparable to what you were feeling right now.
You had been with a man before, but Spencer had been gentle and careful, especially during your first time. He hadn't been like Joel. This man took what he wanted, and he even seemed to find twisted pleasure in your pain and panic. Well, if that was the case, this must be paradise for him.
"I can't promise you that, darlin'," he muttered against your earlobe, tapping the tip of his heavy cock against your tense entrance.
"Please…" you mewled again, the only thing you could think about being the imminent pain. What if you bled? What if you fainted or cried so hard Joel would call the deal off with the justification that you weren't willingly giving yourself to him? You needed this so badly. You just had to get out of here, whatever it took, leave this place behind and—
Ow.
Your knees buckled, pain shooting through your lower belly. It hurt like shit, but at least it wasn't as bad as you had pictured the first thrust to be, which was remarkable considering Joel wasn't holding back at all.
He tried to bury himself inside you at once, but since your pussy was clenched and not as wet as it was supposed to be, he had to stop halfway.
"C'mon, babygirl… Loosen up for me. I know it must hurt. You don't want it to hurt that bad, right?"
You stayed silent, grinding your teeth to handle the sharp sting in your core.
"Answer me, stupid slut."
"Y-Yes. I want it to stop."
"Then relax. Relax, and let me in, or otherwise, I swear to God, I'm gonna make you let me in. And it ain't gonna be pleasant."
You drew a heavy breath, even though you noticed how his threats only caused you to tense up more. Your legs shaking with fear, your forearms covered in goosebumps from the cold or your anxiety, you focused on your lungs and how they slowly opened up. Every inch you opened up for him, Joel seized at once, and when he was fully sheathed inside you at last, you could barely withstand the pain.
You felt dizzy, your vision covered with spots, which made you believe that you were about to faint. Joel seemed content, though.
"There it is… All the way inside ya pretty pussy… she's perfect, just like the rest of ya. Warm and wet like your mouth… I couldn't choose if I had to."
He withdrew slowly, waited a moment, and then slammed back inside, your knees trembling from the force.
"You like that, sweetheart?"
"N-No," you whimpered, a few tears silently streaming down your already wet face.
"Mhmm. Is that right? You in pain?"
"Yes."
You wanted to bury your face somewhere, preferably against the wall, in order to at least act like he wasn't there, but there was no way for you to push his hand away from your airway.
"And you think I care? You're here to buy your way out of this shithole. I didn't say this would be pleasant for you too. But you're still gonna cum for me."
You had no idea how Joel intended to make that part of your plan happen. He could hold you up against the wall for hours, and you probably would still be crying by the time one of you fell asleep.
Your body felt exhausted and numb. The only other feeling there was was pain. And there was no trace of pleasure.
But that changed soon when Joel slung his arm around your hip and slipped his hand between your thighs to rub your clit. You hated it.
You hated it so much, you squeezed your eyes shut just to pretend that this wasn't Joel Miller, the rude, evil asshole who was forcing your body to feel just an ounce of positive emotion toward him, but perhaps your own hand. Or maybe you could pretend that it was Spencer instead. He had sometimes touched your clit, but it had felt different. Less intense… but softer. With more love carried by his hand.
"Yeah, that's it… Can already feel you soakin' my cock like a 'lil whore. You pretend you hate it, but I can feel you suckin' me in. You wanna play unbothered so badly, but you're gonna cum for me all the same like the pathetic slut that you are. Don't try to fight it, sweetheart, it's only gonna make it harder."
The next few minutes were a total blur to you. You could feel his cock drive in and out of you at a rapid pace, your pussy mercilessly abused by his massive dick that stretched your entrance every time you clenched around him. Every thrust hurt a little as he forced your walls to give way to him, but after some time, mixed with his touch on your clit, there was something else swamping your system.
Pleasure.
Pleasure that you despised even more than the pain. Pleasure that you wished you could drown out through sheer willpower.
You hated how Joel took advantage of your exposed, vulnerable body and made you feel things that you didn't want to feel, but in a matter of minutes, you were panting for this man like a dog, your mouth open and your pupils blown wide with pleasure.
If all of this wasn't bad enough, you felt yourself approaching your apex with every circle he drew around your clit, his motions strangely in sync with his hips crashing into yours.
You felt humiliated and disgusting.
How could you even just mildly enjoy what he was doing to you? This man was cruel and vicious, he treated you like shit and hadn't made a secret of using you for his fun alone. He was taking advantage of your emergency situation to reduce a young girl to her lowest point. Just because it turned him on in some nauseating way.
But none of these thoughts changed anything about your hot body, the faint prickling that spread through your thighs. All of a sudden, the pain was secondary. Instead, you realized how good it felt to have your g-spot kissed while his finger pressed relentlessly against your clit, coaxing out little whimpers that, for the very first time, weren't caused by sorrow.
"Yeah, I know…" Joel growled and cut off your air supply in a way that made you see stars. Why did it only make everything a million times more intense?
"You just can't help it, can ya? That 'lil cunt just needs a fat cock to fill 'er. Cum for me, princess. Show me what a whore you are. Show me how greedy that 'lil cunt is."
Even though you resented yourself for it in the moment while it happened, you followed his instructions blindly. A minute later, you orgasmed hard, your legs giving in, which left Joel no choice but to free your wrists and wrap an arm around your hip to keep you upright.
"That's it… I knew it when I saw ya, princess… You pretended to be a naïve 'lil girl who can't harm a fly, but deep down, you're a nasty whore. Look what I did to ya… How I ruined ya, what I freed in you."
After hissing those hurtful words in your ear, Joel brought his left hand to your shoulder blades and applied light pressure, caging you between his body, which resembled a steel wall, and the building.
"And now, you're gonna take my cum into your slutty cunt. Like whores are supposed to. They're supposed to serve, baby… To make me feel good."
You awakened like someone had snapped with their fingers, the blood freezing in your veins.
"No. No, Joel, no."
"No what?" he growled, picking up his pace, which caused loud smacking noises to echo off the walls of the narrow alleyway. His hips crashed into your ass, skin slapping skin and his balls bruising your pussy further.
"You can't cum inside, Joel, please. You can't. I can't get pregnant."
"You think I care about that, princess? You think I care about what happens to you after you leave the QZ?"
Panic washed over you, and even your tired limbs seemed to regain some of their strength, kicking him roughly.
"Please. My life's gonna be ruined, I -"
"I already ruined you, sweetheart. Haven’t you noticed that yet?"
You wanted to cry, but what you did instead was press your lips together, praying that all of this was just an ugly nightmare you would wake up from soon. You couldn't cry anymore. Your body had already let out all the liquid, and all that was left of you was a dark void.
"You should be grateful…" Joel barked after a while, delivering some sharp, bruising pounds into your wet hole, which you barely even sensed, feeling exhausted and dazed.
"I let you cum. I didn't have to do any of that. Could've just used you like a fuck toy."
His breathing became restless, which made you think that he was close and it would be a matter of minutes until he came. But then, suddenly, Joel pulled out, wheeled you around, and shoved you down to kneel in front of him once more.
You scarcely even reacted, feeling too languid to even wince at the pain of your sore knees scrubbing the floor. For a beat, nothing happened except for Joel's hand stroking his cock in front of your face. Then you felt heavy ropes of his seed land all over your skin, but first and foremost your chin, which, you only now remembered, was already painted with spit and tears.
Joel rumbled under his breath, though most of it was too quiet and distant to understand. Some of it you did, though.
"Jesus fuckin'... oh fuck, yeah. That's it. That's it, sweetheart, lookin' so fuckin'... Holy shit." You had your eyes closed, your bottom lip tasting of salt.
"Open your eyes."
You only obeyed after he had ordered you a second time.
"Get up."
Had it been so dark around you before? Goddamnit, how long had you been in this alleyway with Joel?
"You're a goddamn mess," Joel hissed through gritted teeth, holding you by your bicep so you wouldn't stumble to the ground. "You think I'd waste my cum on such a dumb 'lil thing as you? You think I'd risk knockin' a whore like you up with my seed?"
In truth, you didn't care about his humiliating motives. The only important thing was that you wouldn't have to scoop out his cum once you were back home.
"You don't deserve it, darlin'. Look at me."
You raised your chin slowly, sniffling softly. It felt incredibly shameful presenting your marked and messy face to him, but he left you no choice.
You didn't even want to picture what you looked like right now and assumed it was better that way. You would just close your eyes when you stood in front of the mirror in your bathroom a few minutes later and blindly rub his cum off your face. And then hopefully never feel what you were feeling right now again. The guilt and embarrassment would be washed out of your system with the last traces of his seed flowing down the drain.
"You look like a proper whore. I did a good job... Just what you were supposed to look like from the start..."
"When is it gonna happen? When are you gonna get me out of here?"
Joel smirked broadly, like he had never had any more fun in his life, then gently brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, which made a shudder ripple down your spine.
"Well... that depends."
Your face hardened, a lump settling in your dry throat.
"If you're gonna meet me here again... Tomorrow night, in that same alleyway... It's gonna happen in two days. But if I'm gonna arrive here and you don't show up... let's make it two weeks. It's your choice, sweetheart."
With that, he dropped your chin.
He didn't even give you any time to reply, just patting the side of your head with a dirty smile while your mouth hung open. You wanted to call his name, protest, and tell him to go fuck himself.
Maybe you should have done that.
But you were speechless and couldn't move. All you could do was watch him confidently stride away from you until the darkness had swallowed him whole, leaving your trembling form behind, your jeans still bundled around your knees and your face covered with his cum as though he owned you.
You desperately want to get out of the QZ, but unfortunately the only person who can help you is Joel Miller, whose price isn't cigarettes or pills.
Contains: smut, dubcon, noncon (just in case!), power imbalance, dark themes, dddne, coercion, massive age gap (reader is in her 20s, Joel is 52), manipulation, Joel taking advantage of reader's desperate situation, oral sex, rough blow job, dirty talk, gagging, name calling (baby, sweetheart, bitch etc), slut shaming, degradation, Joel pinning reader against the wall, humiliation, begging, cum down reader's throat, p in v, unprotected sex, Joel scaring reader to cum inside her, damrk!Joel, desperate!reader, angst, physical pain
Wordcount: 7,187
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Joel's strides were long, rushed and determined as he passed decrepit building after rancid garbage can.
The smell in the streets of the QZ, he had gotten used to by now. The sight of dead, starved bodies as well.
And yet, heading through the city to get from one place to another was normally a task everyone wanted to get over with as quickly as possible. Which was why Joel hoped that his hurried steps would carry him back to his apartment building fast before anything, least of all some lost firefly or FEDRA soldier, could disturb him.
His posture, the way his brow was drawn rigid, most definitely conveyed disinterest in any kind of human interaction, though in this neighborhood, people usually only went about their own business anyway. Friendly contact with others was rare, a few exchanged words rarer, and even just a smile even more unlikely.
It was no wonder that Joel's hand instinctively flew to his holster when he suddenly sensed a shadow to his left.
Someone was rushing out of an alleyway, clearly approaching him, which Joel didn't like at all.
His fingers tightened around the handle, body jerking backward to get some distance between him and the creature and assess what they might want from him when he noticed a woman.
A young woman, probably in her twenties. When you raised your hands in a de-escalating way, Joel's grasp loosened as well, though his eyes remained narrow and cold.
"Please, no. I'm just – I need to talk to you," you whispered, suspiciously glancing to your left and right like you were being followed. Joel liked that even less.
"What do you want?" he barked, still aiming the gun at you, even though he doubted you could overpower him, considering that you were a lot smaller than him.
"You're Joel, right? Joel Miller?"
"What do you want?" Joel repeated the question, growing even more wary at your knowledge of his identity. It wasn't a rare thing for people to know him since he had made himself a name as a feared and brutal killer as well as a skilled smuggler, but a person showing up so intentionally with the clear goal of speaking with him was strange and not that familiar to him.
"You know how to get people out of here, don't you?" Your eyes nervously scurried across his face as though to take in every wrinkle and line around his mouth to figure out whether he could help you.
"Out of where?" he hissed through a clenched jaw, slowly lowering the gun.
"Can we – Can we talk here?" you uttered instead of answering his question, peering over your shoulder to the alleyway you had come from.
He briefly considered condescendingly scoffing and leaving you here as he felt no desire to spend a second longer out here than necessary, but in the end, Joel felt too curious to find out what you wanted. Besides, you were just a little girl who he could still shoot any time if you brought him any trouble.
"What do you want?" he groaned again once they had walked a few strides, bodies swallowed by the tall buildings to their left and right.
To exude dominance at once, Joel folded his arms in front of him and came a little closer, your back just an inch or two away from the wall behind you. It couldn't do any harm to establish and confirm his reputation instantly and present himself as the rude and sinister man everyone knew him as.
"I need to get out of the QZ without anyone noticing…" you finally explained and tangled your hands in front of your stomach. "And I heard that you're just the right guy for that. For smuggling people out."
Joel's teeth bared slightly, his eyes glistening dark as he sneered.
"Oh yeah? Where'd you hear that?"
"Everyone's saying it. I heard from a friend. He told me you got his sister out. Two months ago. And my cousin knows someone who you helped too."
Joel exhaled deeply, enjoying the power he held over you at that moment, your pupils twitching just the slightest as if it was your body's only way to handle the tension within your muscles. You were clearly anxious, terrified of hearing an answer that wouldn't please you out of his mouth, and for now, Joel wasn't in any hurry to relieve you of those feelings.
Not while the superiority delighted him in such a way.
"Is that right…"
"Don't fuck with me," you suddenly spat, grinding your teeth and jutting your jaw out. "I know that you helped them. And I want you to help me."
"Careful. I pick the people that I wanna help. You think you're the only one who wants to leave this shithole? I got a line of people who'd sell me their kidney to get out. And you know what I really hate?" Joel's face came closer, hovering a few inches away from you, which made you take a small step backward.
"Mouthy brats who think their attitude's gonna get them anywhere other than the dump."
Your jaw remained taut, though Joel could clearly see your throat bob. Your panting was labored and uneven as you wetted your lips.
"I can pay you."
"How much?" he growled, not attempting to back away from you.
"I got pills. And cigarettes. Lots of them."
"How much?"
Lashes fluttering, you quickly looked to your left and right only to discover that the alley was still empty. Joel was yet to figure out if you were relieved or terrified by that fact.
"I got about 60 pills I can give you. Maybe four packs of cigarettes?"
He didn't need to be a genius to figure out that you had no idea what you were doing. He even doubted that you had ever traded with someone like that before, at least not a bargain of such size. 60 pills in addition to four packs of cigarettes was an amazing deal and something Joel would have accepted from anyone else without so much as the blink of an eye.
But since you still appeared to be shaking like a leaf, your eyes frantically hushing over his face even though you tried to disguise it as best as you could, Joel decided to uphold the game a little longer.
Besides… perhaps he could push things further.
After all, you were pretty and young, looked relatively clean and healthy, which usually was the best currency there was in a fucked-up place like this.
"Oh no, darlin'…" Joel hummed, precisely observing your heavy panting and your trembling hands.
"What?" you hissed out. "It's a good deal."
"Might've been a good deal a few years back… But nowadays, I'm afraid it's gonna get ya to the first watchtower. If you're lucky. But out of the QZ… you'd probably have to double that amount."
"What?" you whispered, clutching the hem of your jacket while Joel casually lifted his eyebrows, coming off purely unimpressed and unbothered by your panic. "I saved up for ages for this. I can't just – Please, you gotta help me. I got medicine… Or ammo. I just need to get out of here, please."
A rush of adrenaline went through his spine, making his head spin. Joel didn't know what it said about him, if he was just a bad person through and through or if all those years in the QZ had turned him into a demon. But the fact was that his insides pleasantly flipped at the sight of your despair, your helplessness and cluelessness. It made him think of horrible, vicious things such as taking advantage of your ignorance.
Perhaps the reason for his enjoyment was the fact that he was drawn to naivety after spending so much time in a place where one person was more unscrupulous than the next. Innocence and greenness were as rare as clean water that didn't come from FEDRA.
"So what you're tryna tell me is that you ain't got anythin' to pay me with," Joel said slowly, brow wrinkled and shoulders pulled back to make himself even taller compared to you.
"As I said, I got pills and – "
"You ain't got enough to pay me," he corrected himself.
"I… Yes. But I can – I can get more. Just give me a few days, maybe a week or two and I – I can pay you. I promise. Or – " You raised your hands, eyes big as plates. "When I'm outside the QZ, I can – "
"No," Joel grunted, gaze boring into your cheeks like laser pointers. "Don't even start a sentence with 'when I'm outside the QZ.' I don't take payment after I do the job. You're gonna pay me now. Or there's no deal."
"Then give me a week or two. Just – Let's agree to a day and a time and we can meet here again and I'm gonna bring all I have and…" Your voice trailed off into the void, your eyes getting sadder as you sensed feigned pity upon his features.
"Please," you begged and glanced around the alleyway again. Still, no one.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. But it doesn't look good, does it?"
He paused, allowing the gravity of his words to sink in. Only then, as your head dropped, shoulders slackening, did he clear his throat and allow himself to form the sentence that had the potential to change everything for you.
"But you know that pills 'n' cigarettes ain't the only thing you can pay me with."
Your head stirred just the slightest, eyes slowly trailing up his thick neck. Joel took a generous breath, leaning in a little.
"You're a pretty girl," he then continued, wondering how long it would take for you to understand what he was implying. "Very pretty. You got a value in this city that others can only dream of."
Finally, your blown pupils set on his face again, terror marked in the lines around your eyes. But Joel wouldn't back away now that he had put the option in the room. An option he would be more than pleased with.
"Oh c'mon… You're tryin' to tell me you've never used that pretty body of yours as currency to get somethin'? Or… get somewhere?"
"I – I haven't…"
"No?" Joel asked, eyebrows high up his face. "You've never let someone touch you in exchange for somethin'?"
This time, he waited, trying to pick up any shame or guilt that was deeply rooted within you, but all he could find was fear and concern.
"No. I haven't," you finally murmured, wincing as Joel put a finger underneath your chin to force you to meet his ardent gaze.
"Well… if that isn't interesting. And even better for me. S'a lot more fun to touch a naïve, innocent thing like you rather than a whore who spreads 'er legs for any FEDRA officer."
Your expression turned rigid, eyes spewing fire while you forcefully pushed away his hand from your face.
"Fuck you. I'm not gonna let you touch me, you fucking… creep."
Nothing in his expression, nor posture changed as his hand hovered inches away from your body without attempting another try to connect it with your skin.
"Alright. As you like it. You can just leave and find someone else to smuggle you out of the QZ. I'm sure that ain't gonna be a problem for you, right?"
Joel triumphed at your wavering attitude, your teeth painfully chewing on your bottom lip.
"Shit…" you fizzled, running a hand over the upper part of your face. "You're disgusting. You're like… 60. That's so fucked-up."
"52, darlin'. And I'm not the disgusting part. You are. 'Cause you're considerin' it. Even though you know how wrong it is. But you're gonna do it either way 'cause you need my help. And that makes you feel disgusted with yourself."
Joel waited for you to say something, but when you just toyed with the zip of your jacket instead, he took up more space by continuing to fill the air with his brassy voice.
"Are you a virgin?"
"What?" you gasped, jerking at the sharpness of the question.
"I said are you a virgin, sweetheart."
"No… I'm not," you mumbled against the collar of your shirt.
"So you let someone touch you. Who?"
"This is none of your business," you claimed, regaining some of your initial stubbornness, which Joel didn't like at all.
"Alright. I see."
He took a small step backward, shrugging lightly, which seemed to make you awaken from your dream, the anger notched into your face muscles falling off you.
"No, I… No, wait. I… There was a guy I – I was seeing sometimes. But I've never fucked someone to get something before. I promise."
Maybe you weren't quite as stupid as Joel had believed, considering that you seemed to have understood that the knowledge that you hadn't been with many guys before was what he placed value in.
Joel wanted to be the one who corrupted you. He wanted to steal your sweet innocence, your bewilderment about the fact that some women had to take such measures to get what they wanted, and fuck it out of you. He wanted to be the man that changed, no, even moldered your worldview and showed you the worst sides of humanity. All while getting his dick wet, obviously.
"What a good girl you are…" Joel scoffed and clasped his hand around your chin once more, ignoring your faint squirming. "But I'm gonna change that."
You whined softly, driving your teeth into your lower lip while Joel pressed you back against the wall behind you.
"I'm gonna show you what it feels like for all those silly girls who gotta open their thighs for dirty, rough traders. So, you want that? You're gonna let me touch ya?"
Thoughts rattled behind your forehead, doubt flashing across your face before you gulped loudly and turned your head to the side.
"If I let you, you're gonna get me out of here, right? You're gonna help me escape the QZ?"
"I will, sweetheart," Joel promised, his eyes glued to your plump lips.
"And do I also have to give you the cigarettes and pills?"
A throaty chuckle bubbled in the back of his throat, his lips feeling dry with arousal.
"I'd say it depends…"
"On what?" you hissed out sharply.
"On how tight your cunt feels. How well you're gonna listen… How pretty you're gonna sound."
You shuddered again, perhaps starting to realize what you had actually gotten yourself into.
"When?"
"Now," Joel told you as though it was the most obvious answer in the world.
"What?"
"What do you expect, little one?" he groaned lowly, leaning in so his breath was fanning your ear.
"You wanna get it over with, don't you? Why should we wait another day? Ain't no reason for ya to go home and clean yourself. You look pretty enough already. For me, at least."
Joel's firm grasp around your jaw tightened, tilting your head to the right, bringing his lips closer to your cheek.
"Okay." You were putting all your effort into making your voice sound stable and loud, but Joel, who had encountered far too many terrified people in his life, recognized fright when he heard it.
"How far away is your apartment?"
His lips met your skin, very lightly, to savor your softness. "My apartment? We're gonna do it right here, of course."
"Are you fucking serious?" you spat, trying to push his hand away, but this time, he didn't falter and only squeezed you more firmly against the wall.
"Ain't to your likin', princess? You think you deserve better than a muddy alleyway?"
"I just – It's disgusting here. Why can't we go to your apartment?"
You breathed raggedly, though your body remained still against the wall.
"'Cause I want you here. Now."
"You got a girl up there? You're gonna get yourself into trouble if you take me up?" you grinned, shifting your weight to your right foot for better stability. Your mouthy comment earned you a smack across your face, which made your scalp bump into the wall.
"Fuck you," you exclaimed, fighting to get his weight off you, but Joel didn't move an inch. And your pathetic attempts didn't succeed either.
"One more and the deal's off and I'm gonna fuck you just for fun, is that clear?"
"Fuck you," you spat again, but stilled, keeping your hands to yourself as Joel kissed the side of your neck.
"Stupid bitch. No wonder no soldier's fucked ya brains out before. Fuckin' nightmare listenin' to your complaints. Too bad, I ain't got a gag with me."
His right hand enclosed your throat, applying faint pressure, which would, for now, prevent you from getting out another snarky retort.
After kissing along your face for a while, his left hand roaming up and down your side, he suddenly pulled back and fixed you against the wall with his piercing gaze.
"Get on your knees."
"You're fucking joking," you rumbled.
"Do I look like I'm jokin'?"
"I'm not gonna go down on that ground." Eyes flicking to the dirt and unidentified puddles beneath your shoes, you shook your head a few times.
"Oh… you are, sweetheart. 'Cause if you don't, there won't be any deal."
"You didn't say anything about going on my knees. Besides, I don't wanna suck your disgusting cock. Who knows where it's been…"
Another slap. This time, your head turned to the side, blood rushing to where his handprint was appearing on your skin.
"Fuck," you cursed, kicking him with your foot, but Joel didn't react to it at all.
"On your knees," he just hummed, cutting off your air supply entirely, which made you choke. "Right now, you dirty slut. S'about time you're gettin' fucked in your mouth properly… Jesus Christ, I really picked a stubborn bitch, right? Arrogant, big-headed, proud bitch… You think you're too good for it, don't you? You're not. You're just like all the other sluts walking around here. And that's why you're gonna be treated like a slut. Go on now, or the fuckin' deal's off and you're gonna have to work another year before you see the outside world."
You grimaced as though you were in pain, wetness gathering on your waterline. Joel didn't know what to make of that mixture, that fine line between sad despair and bratiness… He had truly never experienced anything like it before. One moment you looked so pathetic, Joel almost felt pity, and the next moment you opened your mouth only to pour out spiteful, sassy comments that made his blood boil.
At least, you were obeying now and slowly sank to your knees in front of him.
God… the sight was heavenly.
You adjusted your position a couple of times, trying to find a spot that would do the least harm to your jeans, but soon, you realized that the brown, wet soil soaking the fabric was inevitable.
Then, you looked up at him, swallowing hard when Joel moved even closer until your head was trapped between the wall and his hips.
"That's it, darlin'… Just like that… That's how I pictured this."
While his right hand effortlessly unbuckled his belt like he had done it a million times before, his left snatched both your wrists and pinned them against the bricks above your head, making you completely helpless and at his mercy. He had the power to do whatever he pleased, and that idea set off an animalistic urge within him.
Eyes pinched shut, you turned your head to the side as Joel dropped his jeans and underwear, trying to evade his manhood, but there wasn't much room to move anyway. His hand landed at the back of your scalp and turned you around so that his half-hard cock was dangling in front of your face.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart. Eyes as well. I wanna see you, princess… you're much too pretty to close 'em."
"Asshole," you spat, turning your head one last time as if there was any chance you could avoid your fate if only you fought hard enough, but then Joel pried your jaw apart with his fingers and buried his member inside your mouth in one go. You gagged and coughed, drool creating a mess on your chin, but since the two of you were already in a filthy alleyway, Joel couldn't have minded the chaos less.
"Fuck, baby… That's it. No tryin' to get away from me now. The better you behave, the faster it'll be over."
All he had to do was rut his hips forward, drive them deeply inside your throat, and he had you pinned against the wall. Your hands wriggled, trying to get free, but Joel enjoyed you like this, being a restrained toy for him that couldn't fight back and had to remain in place while he did with you as he pleased.
Cock all the way inside you, Joel groaned lowly, glaring down at you and how you choked on his thick manhood. All he could think about was whether you had ever had a dick of that size. If your pretty mouth had ever produced so much spit, lips stretching so wide to swallow him.
"Good girl. Open wide for me, that's it… Look at you makin' a fuckin' mess. Even though you were scared of the dirt at first. You're only makin' it worse, you see that?"
Joel couldn't help but chuckle sordidly, especially as you whimpered so pathetically, your fingers curling to close around something, but you only touched air.
Not long after that, he found a steady rhythm, ensuring that he filled you properly with each thrust delivered into your mouth, nudging his tip against the hilt of your throat. He ignored your complaining and your struggling, paid no attention to your writhing body and didn't even stop when you started crying, softly at first. He certainly saw it, though, as he glanced down at you every few seconds.
"You're swallowin' it well, pretty girl… considerin' you don't do this all the time, I mean… Look at me, c'mon."
Sobbing gently, you shook your head, keeping your eyes closed to spare yourself the embarrassment of having Joel see your tears, but he remained merciless regardless. He loosened his grip around your head and brushed his knuckles against your cheek as though to warn you of what was about to happen if you didn't follow his instructions.
"Look at me, babygirl. Now."
Joel snapped his hips forward with as much force as possible, going way past your palate.
"Go on. You don't wanna suffer anymore, do ya?"
At last, you shifted your gaze, and he saw a pair of tear-soaked, glassy eyes pleading at him.
"There we go… Not so hard."
At this point, Joel was merely playing with you, nothing more. He couldn't wait to fuck you, and had already decided not to pump your throat full of his cum, but he enjoyed pushing you to your limits with his cock.
Your hands tied, you couldn't even signal how much you had to endure, so Joel had no idea whatsoever how close you might be to emptying your stomach all over his cock. Well, he would just have to risk it.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ… Can't believe you haven't used that pretty mouth before to please some lonely FEDRA soldier. S'gonna get ya far, 'lil princess… If you want some advice, I'm gonna tell ya to offer your services more often. Shit… it's so fucking good, it's gonna get ya anythin' you want."
Drool ran down your chin, your neck and even wetted your clothes, which Joel didn't care about in the slightest. You were a goddamn mess with your jeans dirty, your face coated in tears, snot and drool and your hair tousled. But you looked beautiful nevertheless. Maybe even lovelier than you would have been all tidy and clean. Because he knew that it was him alone who had corrupted you like that, him, who had ruined and ravished you in the most vulgar and primal way he could think of.
And Joel wanted even more. Which was why he worked himself inside you one more time, balls squeezed against your face as if to say goodbye to that part of your body, growled darkly as his tip was snugly hugged by your throat walls, and then pulled back abruptly.
You gasped loudly, jerking forward as Joel had let go of your hands as well. No, you really had bigger problems than the dirt on the street now, Joel thought, watching your flat hands support your trembling body on the damp ground.
"Get up," he barked, but you didn't react at once. You forced shallow breaths through your lungs, your chest rising and falling irregularly while Joel examined you condescendingly.
"Get up right now, bitch."
This time, it was your bicep that had to suffer under his iron grip as he yanked you up to your feet like you were a ragdoll. Still, you were unable to let out anything aside from heavy panting and quiet whimpering, but it didn't matter to Joel, who spun you around and shoved you against the wall face first.
"You wanted this. You wanted this trade. Don't act like I'm forcin' ya to do anything now just 'cause our 'lil princess is used to more tender hands than mine. You could have it much worse, ungrateful slut. You know about the sick shit that other guys would do to you? They'd probably make you drink their piss or make you lick their fuckin' boots. You should thank me on your knees that I let you off the hook so easily."
You were too weak, breathing too heavily to hold yourself up on your own. Joel helped you, though. He twisted your hands behind your back again and held them there, kicking your feet apart with his foot.
"Let’s see what you're hidin' there…"
Your jeans and underwear were pulled down quickly, bunched around your knees, but before Joel fed your pussy his cock, he wanted to catch a glimpse of your tits. After all, he wouldn't waste an opportunity like that and come within a few minutes just because he was so touch-starved.
He did you the courtesy of not tearing your clothes, though he didn't have the patience to wait until he had slipped your shirt over your head. Instead, Joel just shoved the fabric up your abdomen, bunching it under your arms and cupping your breast through the cups of your bra.
"Fuckin' hell, you're a pretty girl. A fuckin' shame no one gets to see 'em. You're gonna change that from now on, princess? You're gonna bless the others in the QZ with 'em?"
Joel tugged you closer against his broad chest, relishing the sheer difference in size between the two of you. His hand slowly pushed the cup to the side to grope your bare flesh, which had just the right weight in his palm.
"N-No," you answered his question, eyes flashing with hostility. You tried to peer over your shoulder, but with your hands pinned to the small of your back, you didn't have much room to move.
"No? Why's that? You got any dignity left in you after all?"
He cruelly twisted your nipple, which didn't allow you to respond as you howled.
"Fuck… Joel, please, I—"
"What? You want me to make ya cum?"
"I don't know," you wailed, spine quivering and feet shifting your weight from one to the other.
"You don't know?" He scoffed through gritted teeth. "You're a goddamn mess, babygirl. Just look at you cryin' over my dick."
You jolted, feeling his hand swat your breast.
"That's it… They're lookin' really good in my hands, princess. You see that? Look down. Look at your poor nipples."
To emphasize his words, Joel pinched them between his thumb and index finger, grinning wryly as they turned stiff and red.
"You want me to fuck you now, sweetheart?"
"No," it burst out of you.
"No? So you don't want us to have a deal?"
"No, I… I do," you admitted, your neck bending to watch what his hand was doing to your chest, which was mostly squeezing your flesh and torturing your sensitive buds.
When his hand wrapped around your neck again, your lids fell shut, and you seemed to shrink even more against his much wider and stronger body.
"So you want me to fuck ya. 'Cause that's the condition for our deal."
"Yeah," you muttered.
"Say it. Say that you want me to fuck ya. Beg for it."
"Joel…" you cried, clearly frustrated by his request. Of course you were. What he did was cruel, downright sadistic, but your cute innocence and your warm body were unleashing horrendous sides of him.
"Beg for it. Tell me how much you need it. How badly you want it to happen so that I can get you outta here."
"Please…" you whimpered, though he couldn't tell if you were already pleading like he had ordered you to or if you were still refusing to degrade yourself even more for him.
"Tell me."
"Please… f-fuck me. Please, Joel."
"That’s it…" Joel praised, rubbing the swell of your chest with his thumb. "More. I wanna hear how much you want it."
"Please. Fuck me, Joel, please. I need to—I need you to do it, please."
He wasn't blind to how much it hurt you to say those words, which only made all of this even more delightful.
"You need it that bad, kitten?" Joel grunted, guiding his cock between your folds.
"Y-Yes, Joel. Please."
You weren't wet, not really, anyway. He could feel a little arousal at your entrance, but it surely wouldn't be enough to provide a comfortable experience. And you knew that too.
"Joel, please don’t make it hurt," you whispered, trying to wriggle your hands free once more, without success.
You were on the verge of crying again, blinking rapidly to make the thick droplets disappear before they could roll down your face. Fright was coiling in your stomach. Dread that hadn't been there like this before. Sure, you had been scared of throwing up when his cock had been so deep inside your throat, but it wasn't comparable to what you were feeling right now.
You had been with a man before, but Spencer had been gentle and careful, especially during your first time. He hadn't been like Joel. This man took what he wanted, and he even seemed to find twisted pleasure in your pain and panic. Well, if that was the case, this must be paradise for him.
"I can't promise you that, darlin'," he muttered against your earlobe, tapping the tip of his heavy cock against your tense entrance.
"Please…" you mewled again, the only thing you could think about being the imminent pain. What if you bled? What if you fainted or cried so hard Joel would call the deal off with the justification that you weren't willingly giving yourself to him? You needed this so badly. You just had to get out of here, whatever it took, leave this place behind and—
Ow.
Your knees buckled, pain shooting through your lower belly. It hurt like shit, but at least it wasn't as bad as you had pictured the first thrust to be, which was remarkable considering Joel wasn't holding back at all.
He tried to bury himself inside you at once, but since your pussy was clenched and not as wet as it was supposed to be, he had to stop halfway.
"C'mon, babygirl… Loosen up for me. I know it must hurt. You don't want it to hurt that bad, right?"
You stayed silent, grinding your teeth to handle the sharp sting in your core.
"Answer me, stupid slut."
"Y-Yes. I want it to stop."
"Then relax. Relax, and let me in, or otherwise, I swear to God, I'm gonna make you let me in. And it ain't gonna be pleasant."
You drew a heavy breath, even though you noticed how his threats only caused you to tense up more. Your legs shaking with fear, your forearms covered in goosebumps from the cold or your anxiety, you focused on your lungs and how they slowly opened up. Every inch you opened up for him, Joel seized at once, and when he was fully sheathed inside you at last, you could barely withstand the pain.
You felt dizzy, your vision covered with spots, which made you believe that you were about to faint. Joel seemed content, though.
"There it is… All the way inside ya pretty pussy… she's perfect, just like the rest of ya. Warm and wet like your mouth… I couldn't choose if I had to."
He withdrew slowly, waited a moment, and then slammed back inside, your knees trembling from the force.
"You like that, sweetheart?"
"N-No," you whimpered, a few tears silently streaming down your already wet face.
"Mhmm. Is that right? You in pain?"
"Yes."
You wanted to bury your face somewhere, preferably against the wall, in order to at least act like he wasn't there, but there was no way for you to push his hand away from your airway.
"And you think I care? You're here to buy your way out of this shithole. I didn't say this would be pleasant for you too. But you're still gonna cum for me."
You had no idea how Joel intended to make that part of your plan happen. He could hold you up against the wall for hours, and you probably would still be crying by the time one of you fell asleep.
Your body felt exhausted and numb. The only other feeling there was was pain. And there was no trace of pleasure.
But that changed soon when Joel slung his arm around your hip and slipped his hand between your thighs to rub your clit. You hated it.
You hated it so much, you squeezed your eyes shut just to pretend that this wasn't Joel Miller, the rude, evil asshole who was forcing your body to feel just an ounce of positive emotion toward him, but perhaps your own hand. Or maybe you could pretend that it was Spencer instead. He had sometimes touched your clit, but it had felt different. Less intense… but softer. With more love carried by his hand.
"Yeah, that's it… Can already feel you soakin' my cock like a 'lil whore. You pretend you hate it, but I can feel you suckin' me in. You wanna play unbothered so badly, but you're gonna cum for me all the same like the pathetic slut that you are. Don't try to fight it, sweetheart, it's only gonna make it harder."
The next few minutes were a total blur to you. You could feel his cock drive in and out of you at a rapid pace, your pussy mercilessly abused by his massive dick that stretched your entrance every time you clenched around him. Every thrust hurt a little as he forced your walls to give way to him, but after some time, mixed with his touch on your clit, there was something else swamping your system.
Pleasure.
Pleasure that you despised even more than the pain. Pleasure that you wished you could drown out through sheer willpower.
You hated how Joel took advantage of your exposed, vulnerable body and made you feel things that you didn't want to feel, but in a matter of minutes, you were panting for this man like a dog, your mouth open and your pupils blown wide with pleasure.
If all of this wasn't bad enough, you felt yourself approaching your apex with every circle he drew around your clit, his motions strangely in sync with his hips crashing into yours.
You felt humiliated and disgusting.
How could you even just mildly enjoy what he was doing to you? This man was cruel and vicious, he treated you like shit and hadn't made a secret of using you for his fun alone. He was taking advantage of your emergency situation to reduce a young girl to her lowest point. Just because it turned him on in some nauseating way.
But none of these thoughts changed anything about your hot body, the faint prickling that spread through your thighs. All of a sudden, the pain was secondary. Instead, you realized how good it felt to have your g-spot kissed while his finger pressed relentlessly against your clit, coaxing out little whimpers that, for the very first time, weren't caused by sorrow.
"Yeah, I know…" Joel growled and cut off your air supply in a way that made you see stars. Why did it only make everything a million times more intense?
"You just can't help it, can ya? That 'lil cunt just needs a fat cock to fill 'er. Cum for me, princess. Show me what a whore you are. Show me how greedy that 'lil cunt is."
Even though you resented yourself for it in the moment while it happened, you followed his instructions blindly. A minute later, you orgasmed hard, your legs giving in, which left Joel no choice but to free your wrists and wrap an arm around your hip to keep you upright.
"That's it… I knew it when I saw ya, princess… You pretended to be a naïve 'lil girl who can't harm a fly, but deep down, you're a nasty whore. Look what I did to ya… How I ruined ya, what I freed in you."
After hissing those hurtful words in your ear, Joel brought his left hand to your shoulder blades and applied light pressure, caging you between his body, which resembled a steel wall, and the building.
"And now, you're gonna take my cum into your slutty cunt. Like whores are supposed to. They're supposed to serve, baby… To make me feel good."
You awakened like someone had snapped with their fingers, the blood freezing in your veins.
"No. No, Joel, no."
"No what?" he growled, picking up his pace, which caused loud smacking noises to echo off the walls of the narrow alleyway. His hips crashed into your ass, skin slapping skin and his balls bruising your pussy further.
"You can't cum inside, Joel, please. You can't. I can't get pregnant."
"You think I care about that, princess? You think I care about what happens to you after you leave the QZ?"
Panic washed over you, and even your tired limbs seemed to regain some of their strength, kicking him roughly.
"Please. My life's gonna be ruined, I -"
"I already ruined you, sweetheart. Haven’t you noticed that yet?"
You wanted to cry, but what you did instead was press your lips together, praying that all of this was just an ugly nightmare you would wake up from soon. You couldn't cry anymore. Your body had already let out all the liquid, and all that was left of you was a dark void.
"You should be grateful…" Joel barked after a while, delivering some sharp, bruising pounds into your wet hole, which you barely even sensed, feeling exhausted and dazed.
"I let you cum. I didn't have to do any of that. Could've just used you like a fuck toy."
His breathing became restless, which made you think that he was close and it would be a matter of minutes until he came. But then, suddenly, Joel pulled out, wheeled you around, and shoved you down to kneel in front of him once more.
You scarcely even reacted, feeling too languid to even wince at the pain of your sore knees scrubbing the floor. For a beat, nothing happened except for Joel's hand stroking his cock in front of your face. Then you felt heavy ropes of his seed land all over your skin, but first and foremost your chin, which, you only now remembered, was already painted with spit and tears.
Joel rumbled under his breath, though most of it was too quiet and distant to understand. Some of it you did, though.
"Jesus fuckin'... oh fuck, yeah. That's it. That's it, sweetheart, lookin' so fuckin'... Holy shit." You had your eyes closed, your bottom lip tasting of salt.
"Open your eyes."
You only obeyed after he had ordered you a second time.
"Get up."
Had it been so dark around you before? Goddamnit, how long had you been in this alleyway with Joel?
"You're a goddamn mess," Joel hissed through gritted teeth, holding you by your bicep so you wouldn't stumble to the ground. "You think I'd waste my cum on such a dumb 'lil thing as you? You think I'd risk knockin' a whore like you up with my seed?"
In truth, you didn't care about his humiliating motives. The only important thing was that you wouldn't have to scoop out his cum once you were back home.
"You don't deserve it, darlin'. Look at me."
You raised your chin slowly, sniffling softly. It felt incredibly shameful presenting your marked and messy face to him, but he left you no choice.
You didn't even want to picture what you looked like right now and assumed it was better that way. You would just close your eyes when you stood in front of the mirror in your bathroom a few minutes later and blindly rub his cum off your face. And then hopefully never feel what you were feeling right now again. The guilt and embarrassment would be washed out of your system with the last traces of his seed flowing down the drain.
"You look like a proper whore. I did a good job... Just what you were supposed to look like from the start..."
"When is it gonna happen? When are you gonna get me out of here?"
Joel smirked broadly, like he had never had any more fun in his life, then gently brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, which made a shudder ripple down your spine.
"Well... that depends."
Your face hardened, a lump settling in your dry throat.
"If you're gonna meet me here again... Tomorrow night, in that same alleyway... It's gonna happen in two days. But if I'm gonna arrive here and you don't show up... let's make it two weeks. It's your choice, sweetheart."
With that, he dropped your chin.
He didn't even give you any time to reply, just patting the side of your head with a dirty smile while your mouth hung open. You wanted to call his name, protest, and tell him to go fuck himself.
Maybe you should have done that.
But you were speechless and couldn't move. All you could do was watch him confidently stride away from you until the darkness had swallowed him whole, leaving your trembling form behind, your jeans still bundled around your knees and your face covered with his cum as though he owned you.
It's been forever since I wrote something for Daemon Targaryen but since the new season is premiering I just had to, enjoy :)
A brothel girl is called to Daemon Targaryen's chambers to please him after his return from battle.
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, blow job, dirty talk, dom/sub dynamic, dirty talk, cocky!Daemon, dom!Daemon, shy!reader, sex worker!reader, power imbalance, objectification, praise, paid sex, pet names (little lamb, little one etc), little bit of degradation, Daemon is unpredictable, no aftercare
Wordcount: 5,077
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You curse quietly through tight lips, supporting your body with your hand pressed against the wall.
"This way," your escort growls at once, pointing toward the long corridor.
"Forgive me," you whisper, head low, hands tangled in front of your belly.
You could explain yourself, tell the guard that you nearly stumbled, but it's not going to change anything about his orders, which only include bringing you to the Rogue Prince's chambers as quickly as possible. They are as simple as your orders, only that yours require a lot more sensitivity and effort, tangible in your hammering heart.
You wonder if the guard's pulse is as wild and intense as well, but you doubt it. It certainly isn't the first time that a guard has taken a young whore to the prince's chambers after he returned from war.
Once the guard gestures for you to halt, you swallow hard, straightening up. What terrifies you the most is the unknown, the fact that you have no idea what to expect behind the heavy oak door, what's going to await you as soon as you step inside. You've never been sent to the Rogue Prince before, and the only instruction you were given is that he just came back to the Red Keep this morning and that you're not to speak unless specifically asked and to behave the way you learned it.
Quiet, obedient, compliant.
That's your mantra, and it is going to bring you through this night as well, just like it brought you through so many more.
"What are you waiting for?" the man by your side grunts, throwing you a lecherous glance before taking a stride in the other direction. You wait for a heartbeat, take another deep breath and then knock on the door.
At first, nothing happens, but you refrain from announcing your presence again. Prince Daemon is expecting you after all.
After what feels like an eternity, you hear a loud voice, bellowing "Come in," which is all the assurance you need to push against the door.
You feel so nervous that the world around you is tilting, and your knees are so shaky that you hold onto the doorframe longer than necessary. You've worked as a whore too long to be anxious before meeting your client, but this is Daemon Targaryen, not some drunk, wanton tradesman who's passed out before you even took your robe off.
You're expected to perform, and not just that, you're here to please. But what do you do when you don't know how to please the Rogue Prince out of all people? What do you do when the usual treatment just doesn't work on him?
"Ah," you hear his voice again, causing you to blink. You're staring at the ground and don't move, awkwardly pinching the fabric of your dress while you sense movement from the other side of the room.
"Don't just stand there," he grunts, walking toward you from the sound of it. Finally, you raise your eyes, throat drying up as you take his whole presence in.
He's taller than you expected, but his hair shines in the exact color you pictured. It's a silvery white tone, long and thick strands with the front part bound at the back of his head. He's clad in black, simple robes that smell of fresh flowers and spices, indicating that he just got rid of his battle armor and perhaps took a long and extensive bath to clean himself of the blood and dirt clinging to his skin.
It's definitely better than lying flush against the chest of a smelly, filthy man who hasn't seen soap in months. For a girl like you, it's very rare not to recoil from the second you lay eyes upon the man who spent a few coins to have a couple of hours with you.
With Prince Daemon, that isn't the case, though. Without knowing what he's like, you know one thing for sure. He cares about the way he looks, and fortunately, he has the means to translate that into his appearance.
"Now, what do we have here…" he hisses and thrusts his arm out, seizing your chin without any hesitation. There's no need to be shy or reluctant, he paid for you. "I said I want someone pretty and young. You are that. And I said I want someone obedient, someone easy. Are you that too?"
His eyebrows cock upward, his eyes glinting with something you can't figure out yet. It might be amusement, but it might just be hostility as well.
"Yes, my Prince," you say quietly, your pupils scurrying around. You learned to look to the ground while speaking with highborn lords and ladies, and this is the Rogue Prince before you. But with his unyielding grasp around your chin, it's an impossibility.
"Look at me when I talk to you, little girl. I'm going to be inside you in a few minutes, and yet you try to stare at the ground like I'm some foreigner you refuse to get to know?"
"Forgive me, my Prince," you quickly breathe, restraining yourself from curtsying, which wouldn't align at all with what he just demanded from you.
"You are pretty," he hums, tilting your head to regard you from all angles like you're a piece of art he's analyzing. "I think you're gonna be sufficient. Are you a virgin?"
"No, my Prince," you reply with big eyes, though it sounds more like a question.
"Good. I can't stand virgins. I don't know why they keep sending them to me like I'm interested in wasting my time listening to their gasping. I want easy." His fingers tighten around your face, his intense gaze lingering on your lips for a while longer before he suddenly lets you go and points to the chair in the corner of the room.
"Get over there, take your dress off and kneel."
That, you can do. After all, he might just be a man at the end of the day, not some white-haired god as they sometimes say around the brothel. Daemon Targaryen, the divine being who can't be satisfied by the common methods of a common whore. That would be a tale you wouldn't be so proud of telling, and your friends back in the whorehouse are desperately awaiting your reports.
You quickly head for the big chair, slide your dress over your head and let it drop to the ground beside you. Your form naked and exposed to the cold breeze wafting through the open window as well as his scathing hot gaze, you lower yourself to the floor, facing the wall rather than him. You assume that he's going to take his seat in the armchair, and so it happens.
Judging by the low thud, he takes another sip of wine, exhales loudly, and then crosses the room with two large strides. You briefly flinch when you feel one of his massive hands on the back of your head, causing him to chuckle.
"Are you scared, girl? Are you a frightened lamb?"
You shake your head, even though you don't know what his favored answer might be. He wants someone obedient and easy, but you don't take him for the type to want someone utterly passive.
"No? Then show it to me. Show me that you're not scared of a hard cock…"
With a sigh, the prince plops into the chair, immediately spreading his legs for you to crawl between. His pupils flit downward to your naked breasts, the corner of his mouth twitching in amusement.
"Yeah… As I said. Pretty."
At first, you're hesitant, not knowing how fond he is of you taking the reins and pleasuring him on your own account. Men are like different types of fruit, you find. Some like to take while others like to give, some enjoy laying back and clearing their minds while others want to remain in charge and reclaim what little power they weren't given throughout their day. Your job is to comply without questioning why they are the way they are.
With Daemon, you're not quite sure yet what he wants.
You slowly open the lacing of his pants, eyes flickering up to him every now and then to read his face, which unfortunately gives away nothing. He looks indifferent and neutral, so you assume he might be about to snap or have the time of his life. Since it's not helping you the slightest, you decide to just go along with it until he gives you further instruction and guides you the way he wants you.
You pull down his pants and breeches, swallow hard at his immense girth and then glare up at him.
"What are you waiting for, mhm?" His hand locks around your chin once more, his face coming closer, which makes your blood run cold. "I remember asking for easy and obedient. I rarely take whores to my bed because they're usually not to my liking. Your job is to prove me differently. Do you understand that?"
"Yes, my Prince," you stammer, and Daemon seems to like that because he frees you with the hint of a grin creeping up on his face. So he might just enjoy the frightened lamb after all.
Now that his warnings still ring in your ears, you're fast to wrap your hand around his shaft and bring your lips to the head of his cock. This is precisely what you're trained for, so you operate automatically with not much thought going into your technique or how to move your tongue. Most men are the same when it comes to their pleasure, which is why you stroke his thick dick while kissing and making out with the tip.
After a minute or two, you allow yourself one quick look up to harvest the fruits of your actions, but unfortunately, his face is still a void. You have no clue whether he likes it or not, which unsettles you profoundly.
The secret behind your talents is watching, analyzing, assessing what a man likes and doesn't like to adjust your movements. But with a man as cold and unbothered as he appears to be, there's not much to work with.
Only when he places a hand at the back of your head and buries his fingers in your strands does your pounding heart calm a tad, as you deem it a good sign. First, he uses his power as guidance, slowing you down when you're too rapid for his taste, but after a while, he becomes more active himself, and your hair becomes leverage as he rocks his hips forward.
"You have a good mouth, little lamb," Daemon says calmly, as if he actually doesn't really care about it. Most men would have been panting at this point. At least their voices would have been raspier than usual, but he comes off as perfectly composed.
"Open wide... Show me how wide you can go." He gives you some room to move, but for the most part, you comply with his thrusts, his cock impaling your throat to his liking.
After a while, your knees ache from being scrubbed open on the floor, and drool begins to leak from the corner of your mouth. You wonder if he minds it or if he enjoys watching you make a mess of yourself, but as always, there's no way to tell what goes through his mind.
You wish he would talk to you, praise you for what you're doing well, and tell you what he wants you to change, but Daemon doesn't seem too eager to become very vocal. He curses occasionally, sometimes even chuckles as though there's a fun inside joke he has with himself, but he lets you take no part in it.
"Do you want me to cum down your throat, little lamb?"
Taken by surprise, you raise your gaze, lashes fluttering as you slide your tongue along the shaft of his cock. It's warm and soft, a little salty, and his veins are prominently bulging, which you consider a good sign.
"Mmmm, I don't think so," Daemon growls in his gravelly voice, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. "If I wanted to dump my cum inside a pretty girl's throat, I could've told a handmaid to go on her knees. But I got myself a nice whore. And I think she can be useful for more, don't you agree?"
Faster than you're able to process his words, Daemon pulls you up by your bicep, his mouth twisting once you stand in front of him, knees wobbly, which surely doesn't go past him.
"Turn, little one. Slowly."
You do as you're told, though you feel a bit exposed and put on the spot as you rotate your naked body while his eyes are glued to your curves.
Sure, as a whore, your body oftentimes is the center of attention for men who walk into the brothel looking for a girl to take their stress out on, but under Daemon's gaze, you feel a trifle more flustered and jittery than usual.
"Pretty," the prince hums, gliding his hand up your thigh, then stopping at the curve of your hip.
"Thank you, my prince."
"Now I want you to touch yourself, little one."
"You... What?" you whisper, speechless at the uncommon command. You're going to do as you're told because that's how you learned it, but you have to admit that you've never been commanded to do that before.
"Am I going to have to call you my frightened little lamb again?" Daemon speaks quietly, yet there is a threat lingering in his tone. "Go to the bed. Lay down. And touch yourself. Between your legs. On your little cunt. Do I have to get more precise?"
"N-No, my prince," you quickly state and walk toward the bed in the center of the room, crawling onto the mattress.
It's sheathed in silk more expensive than anything you have ever touched. Definitely more expensive than the stained, smelly sheets in the brothel. They are the kind that are supposed to look pricey but don't cost more than a bottle of cheap wine. No, these salmon-colored blankets are going to feel like a gust of wind against your skin, barely even noticeable. You know that it's true without having to be covered by them.
You get comfortable on your back, hair sprawled across the pillow. Then, you look up to catch Daemon's gaze. He's still sitting on the chair, his legs spread, but he seems even more relaxed than he was before, watching every single shift of a muscle in your body.
"Go on," he mouths, but his tone is softer now.
Pulling your bottom lip between your teeth, you slip a hand between your parted thighs, carefully moving it up to your cunt.
Certainly, you touch yourself at times while you're alone in your room with only the moon regarding you through the window, but you have never done this in front of a man, nor have you ever considered it a possible way of pleasing a man. Perhaps Daemon Targaryen is different, perhaps there is something distinguishing him from other men.
"I want you to go slow," is his next command after he's been watching you for roughly five minutes, circling your clit and using your natural juices as lubrication. His eyes are hooded, his tone sultry and lewd. You can't see every single line around his mouth as he's engulfed by dim light, but nothing can hide the raw lust resonating in his voice, not even his own urgency to remain a closed book.
It's not long after that when the first moan escapes your lungs. You haven't consciously avoided showing any sign of pleasure, but you haven't faked anything either. You only do that with simple-minded, arrogant men who like to hear that they are the best and most extraordinary man in all of the Seven Kingdoms. Daemon might think that of himself as well, but he's too smart to be fooled by your acted whimpers. Besides, you feel that it wouldn't have fit the scene.
"Good girl," Daemon mumbles in response, precisely studying your hand between your thighs.
You wonder what it is that he wants. This is not what you supposed would happen. It's not him taking the stress of his past weeks out on you, it's not getting rid of accumulated adrenaline, it's not even him celebrating his victories in the war. He seems... calm and at ease.
"Put a finger inside. Just one. But keep your thumb on your pearl."
You couldn't possibly tell how different his voice sounds compared to before, but at this point, the enjoyment brewing in your belly is too hot and large to pay attention to it. You're not even embarrassed about getting instructions from Daemon anymore, the man who is supposed to rail your cunt at that moment. At least, based on your expectations.
You obey quickly, although you doubt that he would be capable of discovering if you didn't do as you were told in the dark. Still, Daemon watches you like it's all that he ever wanted and asked for, like he called you to his room with the intention of getting you naked and telling you how to touch yourself.
You're wet, soaked, actually. It's more than enough to glide a finger inside and simultaneously coat your bundle of nerves in enough wetness to stroke it nicely.
"Oh gods," you whine again, drawing a loud breath from Daemon.
"Yeah... Go on. You wanna get yourself there, little one. Don't be shy. I'm telling you right now to get what you want. I want you to claim it. What do you want?"
He's on his feet suddenly, closing the distance to the bed and standing by the edge like a dark shadow.
"I... I just -" you start, and for the first time, you can't bring yourself to keep your good manners in mind. Instead, you just uncontrollably shiver and whimper through clenched teeth.
"You want to cum... You want that tension to leave your chest. You want to feel this pleasure everywhere inside your body."
It's not entirely true, since your normal wishes before entering a private room with a man are that he's not going to hurt you and that you're not going to be sore afterward. Your own high, your orgasm, is rarely on the table. Not on yours, and not on the one of the man you're with.
Still, you nod, knees buckling as a jolt goes through your spine.
"Stop."
You freeze, your hand coming to an abrupt pause between your legs.
"Good girl... Look at you. Well taught and well behaved..."
With that, Daemon finally mounts the bed as well. Before he lowers himself to the same level as you, he takes off his robes, which he lets fall with a dismissive click of his tongue. He looks just like the rest of him: broad, wide, strong, and muscular. A true warrior, like the ones in the tales you heard about Aegon the Conqueror and all the other brave soldiers of Westeros.
Involuntarily, you lick your lip, which Daemon comments on with a scoff.
"There she is. You know what you want, don't you?"
Before you can even think of an intelligent reply, the rogue prince suddenly dips lower until his shoulders are between your legs, holding you open.
You're so startled that air catches in your throat, and your face and ears turn red. Out of all people, Daemon Targaryen feels the need to carry out a deed that's so foreign to most men you have met. It's absurd to think about it.
The prince settles between your legs, licking a strip from your drenched hole up to your nub, skillfully swirling his tongue around to collect the wetness. Unfortunately, when it's over, you haven't been able to catch up just yet, which is why, barely a minute after Daemon has left the place between your legs, you don't know whether it actually happened or if he only kissed you down there in your imagination.
Either way, he's caging you beneath him now, one hand on your waist and the other around his cock.
"I want you to keep your eyes open, sweet thing. The entire time. No looking away, is that clear?"
You nod gently, jerking when his hand clasps around your chin once more.
"Say it. Use your words..."
"Yes. I won't look away."
"That's a good girl..."
Daemon's eyes twinkle with mischief, his hand slowly trailing down your throat until it settles at the base of your neck.
"Take a deep breath for me. And relax..."
You're not convinced that you need any of the preparation he's offering you, but it's the gesture that counts. You're wetter than you usually are when men stick their cocks inside you, and you're already quite aroused, which is why his dick glides inside you with no resistance.
Daemon seems pleased by it as well, since he takes his lower lip between his teeth, chest heaving.
"There it is, little lamb. Right there. Tell me how it feels."
You gasp gently, glaring down to where your bodies connect, but Daemon is quick to lift your gaze with his index finger under your chin.
"No. Look at me and tell me how it feels."
"Feels - good," you stutter, utterly taken aback by what he demands of you.
Maybe he is different from all the other men at the end of the day. Maybe there is something special about him that drives him to treat you this way. He's definitely more delicate than the other men, but you wouldn't call him exactly gentle. Rather... measured and deliberate.
"You have a pretty cunt, sweet thing... It's a shame. You know why?"
His voice is quiet but distinct. Given the way his tip twitches in the back of your pussy, you would assume that he's barely being held together by a thin thread anymore, but his face is the perfect facade.
"Why?" you breathe, brow contorting as he begins setting a steady rhythm inside you.
"Because it's too pretty to be split open by drunken, foolish fishermen who fall asleep on top of you after they spill their seed inside you. You taste too good to be ruined like this."
Your teeth grind, your shoulders tensing ever so slightly. It's easy for him to say that. It's not like you feel any differently while you do your duty as a whore, but what are you supposed to do until you find a man suitable to marry?
"Did I say something to offend you, pretty lamb?" Daemon coos at once, cupping your cheek and tracing the curve of your mouth. "Are you denying it? Are you telling me that it's not true, that you don't feel disgusted by those men?"
Your spit gets stuck in your throat as Daemon delivers a deep pound, your hands instinctively grasping his broad shoulders even though he hasn't explicitly told you to do it.
"Answer me, little one. Or I'm going to pull out, put you on your knees again, and wait until you find your voice."
"Y-Yes, I - it's true. It's true, I feel - disgusted by them."
The words stumble out of you, your eyes wide with need.
"Do you feel disgusted by me?" Daemon wants to know, nearly making you curse under your breath.
You didn't expect the rogue prince to be so vocal, and it's starting to become a problem. You would rather just give in to him completely, not have a single thought, and instead get fucked into the mattress until you find relief. You don't doubt that he could make you orgasm if he wanted to, not for a second. The only question is whether he's going to be gracious enough.
"No. No, I don't."
Even if that weren't the truth, you would have said the exact same thing, which Daemon must know for sure. He laughs loudly, his chest vibrating before he leans in to grab your breast.
"Oh yeah? And how do I know that you're telling me the truth? All whores lie. They lie about how much they want a man... how good the fisherman's cock feels inside them... How they have never been with someone more extraordinary than him..."
"Please," you choke, your cheeks growing hot when Daemon's hand flies between your legs, pressing into your pearl.
"Please what?"
"Please... I wanna... I wanna cum. Please, my prince, ohh."
You try to turn away from him, feeling embarrassed by the arousal brewing inside your body, but Daemon seems to want to watch every second of it.
"Oh yeah? And how do I make sure you're not lying to me?"
Seven hells, you don't even know if he's playing a game or if he's being serious. How are you supposed to read a man you have never met before, a man who spent his entire life involved in the political weavings of the great houses? Putting up a facade and hiding his true intentions must come as easily to him as faking an orgasm does to you.
"Please," you whimper, squeezing so hard around him that Daemon's lips purse and a throaty chuckle rips from his throat.
"Right... There it is... This is how I can tell, don't I? Your body is not going to lie to me."
The next few minutes are filled with heavy panting and the smacks of his hips crashing into yours. Your face is a mess, your forehead sweaty as it normally only is when you run up all the stairs to your room back in the brothel. Everything is a little blurry around you, the air seems stuffier than it was when you entered the room, and even the noises sound like there is a wall separating them from you. The most remarkable thing about it is that you're not used to this kind of sensation, not while you're with a client, anyway.
"Ohhh gods. Oh, yes," you moan, sliding up his thick bicep, his muscles flexing beneath your palms. He feels large inside you, but first and foremost, it's his finger on your pearl creating pleasure that feels like someone is pouring pleasantly warm water over your back on a cold day.
"Yes, my little lamb, don't you hold back on me. I want you to let it all out, alright? I want to hear everything."
Considering that he's been fucking you for roughly ten minutes now, you're surprised to hear him articulate himself so well. You're positive that if you were to open your mouth right now, there would be nothing intelligent slipping past your lips, just muffled moans and whimpers.
"It feels good," you whisper reverently, purposefully staring at his face as he told you.
He holds your gaze, then a muscle beside his brow feathers, and a grin spreads across his face.
"Yeah? Have you ever felt like this before, sweet girl? Does it feel as good normally?"
"N-No," you squeal, his thumb circling your clit skillfully.
"What a shame that is... You're so reactive, so sensitive. Means you're easy to make feel good. I want you to cum for me, little one. You think you can do that? You think you can please me like that?"
It takes you forever to answer as his thumb moves every time you're about to open your mouth, your thighs convulsing.
"Yes. Yes, my prince," you press out at last, gripping his bicep so firmly that his already pale skin turns white as the snow in the North that you have only heard tales about.
After a few more minutes and a little more of his encouraging talk whispered in your ear, you reach your high with a croaked shriek and fall apart for him. Pleasure and lust unleash within you, flooding your system until every last corner of your body is relaxed and at peace. It's certainly not much longer than a few seconds, but the thrill of it all makes it feel like hours. Very good and enjoyable hours.
When your breathing goes back to normal and your limbs fall limp, you realize that Daemon has spilled his seed inside you by now, something you barely perceived. The only evidence is the wetness sticking to your walls, as well as his cock thrusting in you a few more times before the prince pulls away with a loud sigh.
"You did well," is all he groans as he straightens up.
Daemon looks at you for a few seconds longer than necessary. His eyes linger on your forehead, then your lips, and then his shoulders slacken as he clears his throat. Perhaps you would have found his reaction stranger if you weren't so exhausted, but even in your fuzzy state of mind, your brows shoot together, and you feel the urge to find out if he's content or not.
You're not given the opportunity to do so, though.
As if something just interrupted him or he remembered some important appointment, Daemon is quick to put on his robes and breeches, empty his cup of wine, and briefly run his eyes over your naked, flushed form.
"Rest as long as you need. A guard is going to bring you back."
The last thing he does before leaving the chambers is place a coin on the table, which you assume is yours. Then, the door falls shut, and it's the silence that spreads that makes the oddness of the whole situation so apparent.
The Rogue Prince just called you to his chambers, fucked you like no man has ever done before, gifted you a spectacular high, and then left as soon as possible?
Slowly, you turn onto your side, resting your chin on your hand. You have no clue what he meant by giving you the chance to stay here as long as you need. The sheets are comfortable, and dropping your head onto the soft pillow is tempting, but after what just happened, you have too many questions swirling in your head.
Still, you lie back after a while, pulling the blanket up to your chin.
He's a strange man, the Prince, that much is for sure. He's different from what you expected, and a part of you feels unsettled by the unpredictability of his character.
But despite it all, you're not disappointed. You would rather call it... intrigued.
Hello my loves, I just wanted to give you a health update, or rather tell you about this crazy ass day
TRIGGER WARNING (medical emergency, epileptic seizure, loss of memory)
I was on vacation with my two best friends in London, and on the very first day we went to the cinema. Mind you, I'd slept like three hours because our flight was at like 5 in the morning. So naturally I was super tired and fell asleep before the movie even started.
Then (and this is all based on what my friends told me, because I can't remember anything about the seizure) I started shaking in my sleep, but my friends didn't panic yet because they know I often shiver while I'm dozing off. They only started worrying when it became more intense and I cramped up in my sleep. They called an ambulance, and there was also a medic working at the cinema who came and told my friends what to do. According to what they said, the seizure lasted about four to five minutes until it stopped and I just lay on the floor.
It's so strange because I literally can't remember any detail about it, even though apparently I was awake when the ambulance arrived. They checked on my heart, then took me to the hospital and did a bunch of other stuff, but they didn't scan my brain because they knew I was on vacation and told me to go see a neurologist once I was back home (the hospital was so busy, by the way, so I don't blame them).
Now it's a week later and I'm back home, and I'm going to see a doctor soon. I'm feeling good, I'm just a little scared that I might have epilepsy, which would mean I'm not allowed to drive for a few months. And I'm SO freaked out just thinking about what happened like what do you mean I lay on the ground in a cinema and shook uncontrollably??? I literally asked my friends what happened and where I was four or five times during all of it, and it's so scary to have a one-hour gap in my memory.
But I'm also really grateful that I was taken such good care of, and that my friends reacted so quickly. I'm just hoping for the best, and that something like that won't happen again...
For now, I'm excited to get back to writing and working on new requests, and I hope you're all doing amazing and that you never have to go to the emergency room during a vacation!!
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Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
I hope you’re doing okay now. Sending you so many good vibes and get well wishes. 🩷🌺🧸
P.S. I don’t know if you eat meat, but if you don’t, you can just pretend it’s veggie soup ☺️
Thank you so much, love 🥹🥹💗 I‘m feeling a lot better now, I just have to go see a neurologist once I‘m back home to check if I have epilepsy, but for now I can enjoy the rest of my vacation with my friends :)
Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
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Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
