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Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
Javi is determined to train your ass once again and even rewards you in the end.
Contains: smut, anal sex, vaginal fingering, dubcon, painful sex, angst, oral sex (f & m receiving), finger sucking, hair pulling, breast play, pet names, cum on body, dirty talk, rough blow job, face fucking, degradation, praise, power imbalance, spanking, manhandling, size kink, possessive and manipulative Javi, vulnerability, subby/whiny reader, dom/sub dynamic, crying, gun kink (only mentioned), established relationship
Wordcount: 7,022
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When you woke up the next morning, the first thing you did was groan quietly, quickly turning onto your side.
Your night had been uneasy. You remembered waking up a few times, and even while you had been sound asleep, it seemed as though the quiet hadn't given you the much-needed rest. The moment you had been startled awake by the anxiousness in your stomach, pulse racing, you felt like you hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep.
Now, it was almost seven. Since it was Saturday, there was no need for Javi and you to get up early, and therefore there was no alarm you were waiting for to go off. All you could do was lie on your side as comfortably as possible and stare at the wall.
Your butt was sore, which made you assume that the sting was the main reason for your light sleep. Usually, you slept on your back, so you had surely suffered from instinctively turning in the night and being met with that pungent ache spreading in your backside.
It felt like someone had poured a can of acid over your skin. Was that pain normal? Were you supposed to ask Javi about it? Considering that he had put this idea in the world, he must have known a lot more about when it was time to seriously worry about your physical state.
You stayed in bed for another hour, even though you didn't thoroughly enjoy it the way you normally did. Being snuggled up underneath the blanket for the entire morning was one of your favorite activities on a Saturday, but with your body constantly shifting, every draw of a muscle starting a brand new wildfire searing across your skin, you couldn't help but count the seconds until your boyfriend finally woke up. Because leaving the bed without him wasn't an option either.
When Javi blinked a few times, your heart fluttered with relief, and the smile you gave him was nearly genuine.
"Good morning…" you murmured tiredly, crawling a little closer to him, even though your ass immediately complained about the sudden move.
"Morning, cariño… You're up early. I thought I'd be the one to wake you."
"I didn't sleep very well." You shrugged, bringing up your left hand to rest your head on it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Javi asked and wrapped an arm around you, placing his flat palm on your lower back as he tugged you closer.
As a response, you sharply exhaled through your clenched teeth, tears stinging at the corners of your eyes.
"Don't," you hissed, squirming away from his touch. "I'm so sore."
It wasn't so bad that you would have felt the need to cry, after all, you had survived the night that had involved a lot more turning and shifting, but with his brown eyes boring into your cheeks and his raspy morning voice lulling you in, you couldn't help but feel particularly whiny and clingy.
"Right… Of course you are." He grinned faintly but let go of your back, putting his hand on the side of your head instead. "Look at me."
You obeyed, feeling incredibly tiny and vulnerable under his intense gaze.
"You did well, hermosa. Really well. And you're gonna do even better next time."
Next time.
Your heart cramped painfully, but you didn't consider disagreeing either. Right now, you couldn't imagine yourself in this kind of position again, but if he was right, the pain would fade in a matter of days. Still, the idea that Javi just naturally assumed that this would be a regular thing unsettled you.
Sure, he had already mentioned his plans last night, but with the sting clinging to your bum like a second layer of skin, you felt horrified. What if it just wouldn't get better over time and you would have such a bad night's rest every time he fucked you in the ass? What if you simply didn't have the strength to satisfy him the way he wanted?
"But not today, right?" you whispered, because it was easier than explaining those thoughts ripping apart your inner calm to him. Besides, there was always a chance with Javi that he wouldn't find them significant, which would leave you feeling ridiculous.
"No, not today," he muttered and stretched his neck to kiss your brow. "If you're sore, we're gonna wait until it's better. We don't want your pretty butt to hurt, right?" You wondered where that sentiment had been last night, but you didn't say that out loud.
"Okay… When is it gonna be better, Javi?" You looked up at him through round eyes, taking in the scrunch of his nose, how he roamed down your front until he twisted his lips.
"I don't know. But I guess you'll be much better tomorrow. So maybe we're gonna try again the day after tomorrow."
"And what if it's just not gonna get better?" you voiced your biggest fear. You hadn't quite been in control of that thought bursting out of you, but now that it was hanging in the air, you felt much freer in your tense shoulders.
"What do you mean, sweetheart?"
"I mean… it really hurts, Javi. And it – I think it's worse than last night. So I'm thinking – it's gonna get better, right? It's normal, isn't it?"
He chuckled gently, which was a better reaction than you had anticipated. A second later, he pressed his lips against your forehead again, toying with your messy strands.
"Of course it is… You think I'd do something like that to you? Something that will leave permanent damage? It's normal to hurt. It's gonna be fine, cariño."
"I just…" you stammered breathlessly, trembling hand moving up to his bicep. "I just wanna be good for you, Javi…"
It was a simple phrase, but it represented the turmoil ravaging your chest well. Even your fear about the sting being constant company from now on was rooted in your need to make him happy. Your butt aching meant not being able to be fucked by him, which consequently would disappoint him. Everything could be traced back to him.
"But you are, sweetie," Javi murmured, shushing you as you buried your face in his shoulder.
You didn't know why you were in such a horrible mood since Javi was a lot more affectionate and kind than on most days, but you guessed that it was a combination of multiple things, ranging from the distress you had experienced last night and not sleeping well to the static dread swelling in your throat in the form of a fat lump.
"Listen, cariño, we're gonna go downstairs now. I'm gonna carry you if that's what you need. Then, I'm gonna make us some coffee, we're gonna eat something and after that, I'm gonna apply a salve to your sweet butt. That's gonna help with the pain."
"You have a salve?" you asked softly, so surprised by his words that you forgot the tears for an instant.
"Of course… I always take care of you, don't I?"
He smirked wryly, his gaze drifting downward to your hips.
You wondered what he was thinking, given the way his eyes sparkled, but you didn't find out, and you didn't ask him either.
Two days later, Javi came home from work later than you had expected.
By the time you heard his key in the lock, the sun had already set, and you sat at the table with your chin resting on your palm.
"Javi," you spoke accusingly in his direction, straightening up while he let his bag fall to the ground with a thud.
"Hey, sweetheart."
You had anticipated his first words to be an explanation for why he was so late, but instead, your boyfriend put his coat on the hook perfectly calmly. Meanwhile, you were staring holes into the back of his head.
"You're late."
Javi didn't answer. He didn't even show any physical reaction and just ran a hand through his hair as he turned toward you.
"You're late, Javi. It's almost 8."
He still didn't reply, leaning down to your level to kiss your forehead the way he always did when he said goodbye in the morning or greeted you after work.
"I got a surprise for you, babygirl."
"What surprise?" you snapped, lips pursed. Your tone was rude, and so was your hostile posture, but it reflected what was going on inside you precisely.
"You're not gonna be so sulky once I show it to you… I picked up something on my way home."
He reached into his bag that he had placed next to the table leg. After some rustling, he pulled out a wine red box, which he put in front of you, wearing a smirk.
"What is that?"
"Open it," he commanded and leaned back in his chair with his legs spread, looking like he fully knew that his surprise was going to land well.
"Alright…"
You forgot that you were supposed to be mad as the curiosity his mysterious gift had sparked was too strong to ignore. You assumed that it was something sexy, considering that this came from Javi. New lingerie perhaps, that he expected to see on your body as early as tonight.
Oh. Your jaw dropped slightly as you took in the small object seductively placed in the center of the box, which was lined with velvet on the inside. A butt plug. In the same dark scarlet shade. Of course, you should have guessed it. Javi had announced that he was going to buy you one three days ago, you just hadn't expected him to follow through so soon.
"It's pretty," you hummed, because it was true. Even though the item still intimidated you in some strange way, you liked the color and the way it was presented to you in that box.
"I know it is. I knew you were gonna like it. You can touch it if you want."
He watched you through narrow eyes as you took the plug out of the box and regarded it in the dim light of your shared apartment.
"You bought this? Today?"
"I did. I told you, I wanted you to wear pretty plugs that match your dresses. I thought I was gonna start with scarlet." It was true, you owned a short dress in a similar color. Javi really had thought this through, hadn't he?
"Do… Do you want me to wear it?" you whispered, his words from back then still ringing in your ears. He had told you that he was going to take your ass again, and against all odds you had been looking forward to it as well. You wanted it to go easier this time, and the only way to find out if it would was to try it. Even though right now, the idea of reviving that soreness in your backside made you all nervous and jittery.
"Oh no, baby… Why would I want that? When my cock's right there to fill it…"
Your mouth went dry, and you lifted your gaze to meet Javi's mischievously glinting eyes. He had his arms crossed over his chest, radiating confidence and self-assurance like no one else could.
"You – You're gonna do it again? Tonight?"
"Of course, angel. It's time for it again… isn't it? We have to make sure your pretty ass doesn't forget me. You wouldn't wanna start from ground zero again, right?"
You nodded a few times, biting down on your lip.
"This is just for the next few days when I have to be at work but wanna make sure your ass stays nice and open for me when I get back… So that I can just put it in immediately."
He gave the box a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. Slowly, as if he didn't want to startle a deer, he approached you, reaching for your cheek once he was close enough.
"Why don't you get to the bedroom, cariño? While I get myself a glass of water. You get comfortable and you can start touching yourself a little… Just leave your clothes on. Wanna unwrap you like my favorite little gift…"
His breath ghosted over your ear, your arms tingling pleasantly, but then he pulled back after kissing you on the side of your head. A coldness engulfed you so suddenly that you needed a few seconds to register what he had just told you.
While Javi strode toward the kitchen without glancing over his shoulder one more time, you got up as well and left the living room. The way Javi appeared so certain that you would do as you were told, not even bothering to check, impressed you. He snapped his fingers, gave you instructions, and wholly trusted that nothing else was required of him. And rightfully so.
Two minutes later, you lay on your back in the center of the bed, feet planted on the mattress with your legs spread a little. Your right hand was between your legs, slipped past the waistband of your sweatpants, and your left lingered on your lips. As long as Javi wasn't there to feed you his thumb, you nibbled at your own fingernail.
When he appeared in the doorframe, the first thing you felt the need to say was that you were not yet ready to take him in your pussy, only to remember that he didn't plan on doing that either way.
"You look pretty," he scoffed, taking in your lying figure. "Nibbling at your own thumb like that… You need mine instead?"
You nodded a few times, watching your boyfriend walk around the bed, the mattress sighing as he climbed onto it with one knee. Then, he pulled you toward him by your ankles, drawing a small squeal out of you.
"Cariño…" He clicked his tongue, a flash of amusement crossing his features. "Always so damn nervous… You scared it's gonna hurt?"
"Yes," you whispered, still gnawing on your thumb while Javi yanked down your pants and helped your feet kick them off.
"I told you it's gonna be better. You're only making it worse by being so damn afraid."
Even though you weren't completely convinced by his words, and the idea of worsening your own experience by overthinking put you through distress, your pussy clenched pleasantly when Javi took off his shirt and threw it beside the bed.
His toned upper body was highlighted even better by the golden light in the bedroom. The bright ceiling light was switched off, so the only source of brightness was the lamp on the nightstand, which threw delicious shadows across his chest. Javi must have noticed you staring because he chuckled softly, sliding his hand up your thigh as his focus turned back to you.
"Naughty girl… If you're gonna be good, I might let you cum too. But you know what good, sweet girls have to do, right?"
It wasn't a rhetorical question, so you swallowed and answered. "I have to deserve it."
"That's right." He briefly kissed the tip of your nose, then straightened up again. "I'm gonna fuck your pretty ass again, baby, and I don't wanna have to listen to your little complaints all the time. I want to enjoy your pretty little hole… And you want me to enjoy you, don't you?"
"Yes," you hummed, sucking your lower lip into your mouth as you felt him grip your hips harder. You had expected to be turned onto your stomach, but Javi just manhandled you into lying across the bed the wrong way, your head close to the edge while your feet were at the pillows.
"What – " you began, but your boyfriend cupped your face and glided his thumb past your lips.
"Shhh… I said no complaining. I just want you to be silent and take what I give you. Can't be so fucking hard, can it?" His gaze ghosted over you, his brow furrowed, nostrils flared.
"I'm sorry," you mumbled around his digit, sucking automatically.
"Yeah… I know you like to say that. But I want you to show me."
Javi swiftly undid his belt and jeans, though you barely perceived any of it with your lids shut and your tongue flitting around his thumb. His hand lay heavily on your cheek, and there was something about his touch that made you feel like he wasn't just attempting to distract and soothe you but also to keep you in place while he took off his clothes.
"Open wider."
Your eyes fluttered open, a dreamy fog blurring the edges of your vision.
"Open, cariño. C'mon, don't make me say it twice." He spoke quietly yet his voice carried that dominance and coldness that made your stomach twist every time he used it.
"Good girl."
He fed you his cock slowly, pulling you a little closer to the edge of the bed once he realized that the angle wasn't ideal. And then you were situated nicely, mouth full of him and little moans escaping your throat every time his dick twitched or went another inch deeper.
"That's it. There we go, mhm? Finally something you're good at…" You didn't feel too bad about his comment since wrapping your lips around him always had something grounding and familiar about it. Which you needed desperately after the last couple of days.
You couldn't help but wonder, though. Why wasn't this enough for him? Javi had trained your gag reflex extensively, how deeply and fast he could pound your throat, so that today you were at a point where you barely flinched when he brutally slammed his length all the way in.
And he still wasn't satisfied? He still wanted more and felt the need to claim and train another one of your holes? What were you even doing all of this for when he lost all interest in a matter of a few weeks? Well, technically he was just showing some love to your mouth again, but you still couldn't help feeling somewhere close to unappreciated.
That dull emptiness sitting in your chest soon resulted in tears welling in your eyes, even though they were mostly due to the fact that Javi didn't spare you a glance while fucking your throat. One of your small hiccups shifted his attention to you at last.
"Jesus… Already crying? I didn't even touch your ass yet, baby…"
You sniffled, reaching for his free hand, and fortunately, Javi allowed it. You were able to lace your fingers with his, squeeze them tightly, and consequently felt a lot more settled taking his cock down your tight throat.
"Good girl… You know I don't mind them. You look pretty when you cry. I just don't like it when your pretty little head loses all its focus. We can't let that happen, can we? When we try to make progress… When we try to take care of your sweet butt…"
He sprawled one hand across your chest, covered by one of his large shirts that you liked to put on when you came home from work and Javi wasn't there yet.
For a while, he just played with your breasts and rolled his hips into your face, grunting every time you took him effortlessly. Which was most of the time.
You only had to back out twice because his tip hit the back of your throat at a strange angle and your gag reflex was triggered. You coughed, body jerking while you drove your nails into his wrist, which was Javi's signal to pull back. Because you had been doing pretty well so far, he didn't berate you but just silently waited for your automatic defensive reaction to subside and squeezed your breasts until you had calmed down and were ready for another round.
"That's a good girl, baby, yes… I taught you well, didn't I? Taught you to be still… to let me all the way down your pretty throat. You know we've come a long way, right?"
Without being able to respond, the memories immediately came back to you. You had been horrible in the beginning, but fortunately, Javi was a patient teacher.
He had used your throat every single night, sometimes while he had been reading the newspaper or going over some files from work. At the start, he had held your head in place by your neck, slowly driving his length in and out of you, but at some point he had demanded you make yourself gag on his cock to get used to the sensation.
Sometimes, especially while Javi had been busy doing something else, you had felt humiliated, but at least it was an efficient way of learning. You had been able to spend hours between his legs, bobbing your head around him, forcing yourself to take him yet another inch deeper until he had picked you up by your bicep and carried you to the bedroom to finish what you had started. Even though Javi had occasionally placed a hand on the back of your head to gesture you to halt so that he wouldn't spill in your mouth, you had often wondered how he was capable of so much self-control and didn't accidentally finish inside you after half an hour.
But it didn't matter now, those times were behind you. You had learned a lot, and you were eager to learn just as much about taking him in your ass. Because it was what Javi wanted. And if he wanted something, you always tried your hardest to give it to him until he called you his good girl, kissed your forehead and cradled your head against his chest.
"You don't make it easy… but you learn. You learn, babygirl, 'cause you wanna get better for me," he now spoke, wrenching you from your reminiscing.
His cock was buried all the way inside you now, pulsing hotly in the back of your throat, but it looked like Javi had no intention of moving just yet. He just dug his fingers into the flesh of your breasts, circling your nipple while panting heavily. As always, you felt short of air, but you had learned that it didn't mean you were actually suffocating. You just had to surrender and breathe through your nose instead, trusting that Javi knew what he was doing.
And so it happened, he exhaled a few more times before picking up his pace again, thrusting into your mouth until not just his cock but also your chin and nose were soaked in your own spit and his precum.
"Let's take a look at her, mhm?"
Your eyes opened reflexively even though you couldn't see what he was referring to anyway. Then you felt it at your pussy, Javi's fingers, generously doused with drool, skimming along your slit, teasing your puffy pussy lips. You were beyond what you would call wet, which made your heart a little lighter. If your body reacted to him in such a way, there could be nothing wrong with this, right? Perhaps you had to listen to your gut more instead of overthinking every single detail, panicking about things that weren't even within your control.
"That's it, baby… Drowning my fucking hand. Poor little thing… I neglected her, didn't I?"
Even though you tried so hard not to let it happen, wetness pooled in the corners of your eyes again, just because deep down you so desperately wanted everything to be the way it had been before Javi had told you about his worries regarding the state of your pussy. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about any of these negative thoughts in the first place. This time, you managed to conceal your anxiousness from Javi, who was fully occupied with rubbing through your folds and circling your clit.
"Haven't let her cum in days… I was a little mean to her, wasn't I?"
You blinked again and again, a muscle in your chin twitching and your stomach so unsettled it felt like there were a million bees buzzing inside it.
"I know I was, hermosa. I promise you that if you're gonna be a good girl for me, behave well and let me fuck that pretty ass, I'm gonna make her cum."
Javi's features were surprisingly soft as he slipped his cock out of your mouth, your jaw stinging sharply the moment you were allowed to relax your muscles for the first time in a while.
"What do you think of that, mhm?" he murmured, tracing your chin while his eyes flickered between your face and his hand playing with your heat.
"How?"
"You mean how am I gonna make you cum?"
You nodded.
"Any way you want, cariño."
"I want… mouth."
His lips curled upward, his pupils dilated. "You want my mouth?"
"Yes…" you breathed and already doubted whether you had been too greedy. But then Javi caressed your cheekbone and pressed a loving kiss to your brow.
"Then you're gonna get my mouth, sweetheart. If you obey."
You felt rather hopeful when Javi turned you onto your hands and knees, and that was even though you grew closer to taking his cock in your tight, probably still a little raw hole with every second that passed. As long as he would shower you with love afterward and take care of you with his warm, wet tongue, you were willing to endure a small amount of pain. Aside from that, he appeared to be in a rather good mood today, which you didn't want to ruin by not following his rules.
"Get on your elbows, baby," he instructed and took his position behind you, placing his large hands on the curve of your butt.
"Mhmm, cariño… You know how this fucking butt is what got me through this goddamn week? Knowing that I get to fuck it again in a few days?"
He smacked your flesh once, then gathered your hair into a makeshift ponytail and pulled you back to him.
"You don't even know how proud you should be of that pretty little thing… You don't appreciate it enough." Javi's thumb drew a faint circle around the narrow ring, then teased you with just the tip of it. "But I will, cariño, don't worry… I'm gonna give it some love. One of us has to."
Spit trickled onto the muscle, then another drop, and a few minutes later your whole backside was covered in slick wetness. Javi had also picked up the bottle of lube again and coated your hole with it, but given that you had by then sunk into a trance-like reverie, you couldn't really distinguish between the two liquids, though the lube was much cooler to the touch.
It was easy to relax like this, your head hanging while Javi was right behind you and caressed your shoulder every now and then. That you hadn't experienced any pain so far relieved you greatly.
"Good girl… Taking it so well, babygirl, just like that… You see, you relax for me, and everything goes so well. No complaining and no crying… Which means you're gonna get what you want too. We're all gonna be very happy."
You should have known that Javi was going to change something up the moment he said those words. He always became more vocal, whispering sweet things to either distract you or praise you so much that you wouldn't voice your suffering when the effects hit you. But since you had been absent with your thoughts, you hadn't been prepared, and you quietly shrieked when a sharp ache radiated through your lower back. Along with the pressure, you were quick to find out what had caused it.
"Javi…" you whimpered, fingers curling and lips pressed into a thin line. You weren't quite sure which finger he had inserted inside you, but it was long and thick, that much was certain.
"I know, angel, I know it hurts… But remember what I told you, the more you relax, the better it's gonna be. So you know what to do…" Gliding his hand up and down your shoulder blades, Javi continued slowly, moving his finger just an inch inside you, but it was enough for your back to arch.
Fuck, you had assumed that this was going to be easier. And it was just his finger. How the fuck had you ever been capable of taking his cock? But then, with some more effort and a large amount of lube smeared across your muscle, the pain faded and your tears dried. You could detect a difference in how quickly you were able to overcome the hurt compared to last time, and you also found that your body was faster to adjust to the size of his finger. So he added a second and then a third, though you jerked away slightly both times.
"No, babygirl, you're staying right here… No reason to try and run," he muttered and seized your neck, gently pressing you into the mattress. "Everything's fine… I got you. You're gonna get my cock soon, angel — is that what you want? You want me to put it inside?"
"Yes," you breathed, forcing deep breaths out of your lungs so you wouldn't get dizzy from the pain.
"Gonna fill you up all the way… I just know it's gonna feel like my dick's getting ripped off. Tight little thing."
He pulled his fingers back and then pushed them forward until they were knuckle-deep inside you.
"Wish you could see it, sweetheart… I'm gonna take a picture later when I got my dick inside. She's working so hard, hermosa, she's trying her best. I know it hurts, baby, but she's just stretching for me like she's meant to."
You choked on your breath, hand splayed out across the blanket as Javi's fingers moved again. It was an exhausting process, just like last time, but you handled it once again. The one thing that kept you going, besides pleasing Javi, was the knowledge that the next thrust was going to be easier than the one before.
When he stilled inside you, you were proud to say that you hadn't shed another tear, which was a major success when you looked back.
"Good girl," he whispered, prompting you to smile gently, even though he couldn't see it of course. That was what it was all about.
"Are you ready for it, cariño? Ready to take my cock again?" You felt his hand right above your butt cheeks, but he didn't put any pressure on it.
"Yes," you murmured, feeling not as torn as you had earlier. Maybe his techniques were helpful after all, maybe everything was easier the moment you began surrendering to him.
"You know what to do, sweetheart. Just have to relax, that's all… I'm gonna take care of the rest."
Javi drew a heavy breath, humming lowly as he nudged the tip of his cock against your ring. The feeling was the same as it always had been, intense pressure, and you wondered if it would even fit. There was no way it would.
"Relax, hermosa… Gotta loosen up for me, otherwise it's not gonna work."
For a fraction of a second, you wanted to take it all back. This wasn't any easier than three days ago, if anything, it was worse. Your back gave in, toes curled, and your veins seared as though your blood had been replaced by liquid lava.
"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. That's how it's supposed to be, that's it… Just listen to my voice…"
He had seized a few strands at the back of your head, rubbing circles into your scalp while you panted frantically. Then it was over. You had no clue how much Javi had fed you on his first go, but you were more than fine with what you got.
"Good girl," he muttered again, probably because he knew how much you liked to hear that phrase from him. "That's already a lot better, isn't it?"
You tilted your head to the side so that your cheek could comfortably rest on the bed. Javi allowed it and grunted lowly.
"Not much left, sweetheart. Just a little bit more. You think you can take it too?"
Secretly, you struggled to understand why he asked for your permission before every step when he knew exactly that you basically didn't have a choice. At least not if you wanted to stay desirable to him. You couldn't really tell him that he was allowed to fuck your ass but not go all the way inside, right?
"Yes, Javi," you agreed, bracing yourself for another wave of pain that felt like small scorching needles hammering into your backside. At least you knew what to expect and weren't surprised by the sudden sharpness.
Soon, Javi was thrusting into you steadily, gripping your hips to push you back against him while he groaned under his breath. Your own hands were flat on the bed beside your head, your lips pursed in order to focus on your breathing.
Once the pain had gotten better, you started thinking about how it felt compared to last time. Better, definitely. You still doubted that you would ever love this kind of penetration, but at least you didn't count the seconds until he finished.
"Holy fucking shit… This is better than – fuck, everything. You know what I've been thinking about?" He leaned down, which changed the angle a little and caused you to moan. "Been thinking about fucking your little ass in the office. Just bending you over a table, pushing up your skirt and fucking you dumb… You'd have to stay quiet though. And you're really bad at that, aren't you?"
Javi's lips pressed into your skin right below your ear. Then you heard him move and the next moment he had pushed two fingers past your lips, sliding over your tongue the way his cock just had.
"But we can work on that too… I can teach you how to be very quiet. Or I can shut you up with my gun." Your eyes widened, and against all odds, you felt a surge of pleasure rush through your chest. "Yeah, I know you'd like that… You'd lick it clean for me, baby, wouldn't you?"
With a gentle slap delivered to the back of your thigh — he had that much mercy with you, thank god! — Javi suddenly slipped his dick out of your hole and began stroking himself wildly the way he had last time. You curiously glanced over your shoulder, his fingers still secure in your mouth while Javi smirked at the way you sucked on his digits like you had never tasted anything better in your life.
"Fuck… Look at you. My perfect little baby, all obedient and sweet for me… S'how I like you best, sweetheart. Suck on them, that's right. Gotta keep you occupied."
A few more strokes later, thick ropes of his cum hit your ass, painting messy patterns across your skin. It hadn't taken him long to climax, but he had still fucked you longer than last time. You wondered if you would feel the small difference tomorrow when you woke up.
"Jesus Christ… Fuck, look at her… So pretty and pink for me." Javi reverently stared at your used hole, then reached for his phone on the bedside table, only now realizing that he had forgotten his plans to capture the moment. He did it now, though, taking photos of your spent hole from all sides until he sighed and dropped the device again.
"You got two perfect holes, princess… Both just for me, mhm? Just like the rest of you."
He crawled to your level, lying on his side and tucking your head under his chin.
"You took it like a good girl, sweetheart. And you know what that means, right?"
You were still on your knees, but at his words your knees quivered a little and you threatened to lose your already scarce balance.
"Yes?" you hummed, all puppy-eyed and needy for him to take care of you in a soft and careful way for once. A way that wouldn't cause you any pain.
"Yes, baby. Lie down for me, okay?"
You obeyed at once, even though you winced and exhaled through your clenched teeth when you sank into the mattress butt first. It didn't matter though, that kind of pain was tolerable as long as it would be overcast by his warm tongue attached to your pussy.
"Good girls get what they want, cariño," Javi said as he moved to your legs, parting them a little further to get access to your cunt. "You were very good. So I'm gonna reward you. You said you wanted my tongue…"
He teasingly leaned down to kiss your hipbone, his hand skimming up your stomach while the fabric of your shirt bunched up under his fist. He let go of it once it was tangled under your arms and traced the swell of your breasts.
"Yes, Javi," you breathed sleepily, thrusting out your arms to reach any part of his body. It was his hand that he gave you, lacing his fingers with yours and moving them to rest beside your body.
"You want it right here?" He kissed your mound, his mustache scraping your sensitive skin.
"Yes."
"Here as well?"
Wandering downward with his mouth, he drew out the giggles bubbling in the back of your throat, your free hand reaching up to sprawl across the one resting on top of your chest. You liked staring down your body and admiring how much larger his hand was and how prominent his veins were.
"What about… here?" He took your clit between his warm lips, hollowing his cheeks while you squirmed and felt your heartbeat quicken.
"Y-Yes. Yes, Javi, right there."
Unfortunately, he let go with a pop after a few seconds, but darted his tongue out to circle it with quick expertise.
"Poor little thing… She needs it so bad, doesn't she? She was so neglected these past days… But don't worry, querida, I haven't forgotten her. Never will."
Javi's hand grew firmer on your breasts, his fingers leaving white marks where he touched you. Then he finally let go and fully dove in. He made out with your pussy like there was no tomorrow, didn't care about his whole face getting soaked in your juices and didn't even bother to watch your reactions.
While your teeth were clenched hard and your grip around both his hands grew more forceful the more time passed, your boyfriend seemed thoroughly blissful getting lost in your scent and taste, given the way he pressed up against your pussy.
"F-Fuck. Javi, fuck," you cursed, which gave Javi cause to interrupt his intense, sloppy session to briefly glance up at you, tenderly squeezing your left breast, then your right.
"Pretty little thing… And so sensitive." He was referring to your bundle of nerves, of course, which was nudging his lip at that moment. "You need more, baby?"
"Yes," you whimpered, arching off the bed when he blew some warm air over your clit just the way you adored it.
"Gonna make you cum so good, babygirl. 'Cause you deserve it… She deserves it for being so brave for me."
It was just a matter of time until you couldn't hold back anymore. You had already been overly sensitive to his touch from the start, but now, with Javi putting his whole heart into stimulating you right where you longed for him the most, you lasted about another five minutes before you unraveled with a high squeal and drove your nails into the back of his hand.
He talked you through it, of course, and you hadn't expected anything else.
"That's it, princess, breathe… Just like that, yes. Breathe for me…" His words were muffled since his face was pressed against your pussy, catching every drop of your wetness as if it were the world's tastiest and most generous wine. He kissed you just about everywhere, your clit, your hole and even up your thigh while you spasmed and mewled uncontrollably, head swaying to the side.
Then, the moment you first flinched and jolted away from his tongue, Javi pulled back, carefully freeing his hands from your grasp to put them on your thighs.
"My pretty angel…" he groaned, probably moved and equally amused by the sight of your tousled hair and hooded eyes, and crawled up to your level.
"Was that what you wanted, princesa? Did you like that?"
You nuzzled his collarbone, shifting as close to him as humanly possible in order to bury your face in his neck. Meanwhile, Javi's arms wrapped around your back and pulled you closer whenever you lacked the strength to do so yourself.
"Yes… So good, Javi."
He grinned, nostrils flaring while he trailed along the stitching of your — or rather his — t-shirt.
He couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment you had fallen asleep, but when he noticed your even and calm breathing and your closed eyes, he wasn't surprised. He had put you through a lot today, starting with the special little gift he had gotten you.
The mere memory of the pretty item made his stomach coil. He couldn't wait to act on all the things he had in mind for you. Half of them, you didn't even know about yet. You would soon, though, perhaps he could start by making you go to work with the plug inside tomorrow.
Javi grinned, pressed one more kiss to your hair and then allowed his heavy lids to shut as well.
I hope you’re doing okay now. Sending you so many good vibes and get well wishes. 🩷🌺🧸
P.S. I don’t know if you eat meat, but if you don’t, you can just pretend it’s veggie soup ☺️
Thank you so much, love 🥹🥹💗 I‘m feeling a lot better now, I just have to go see a neurologist once I‘m back home to check if I have epilepsy, but for now I can enjoy the rest of my vacation with my friends :)
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Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
Contains: smut, drunk sex, dubcon (just bc they're intoxicated), virginity loss, praise kink, size kink, fingering, breast play, nipple play, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, grinding, pet names, so much guilt, dirty talk, little bit of pain (he's large, okay??), talking her through it, age gap (24&early 50s), protective Joel, morally grey characters, threats, fighting, angst, yearning
Wordcount: 9,138
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
The next morning started so awkwardly, Amy wished she could just go back to sleep until Joel had forgotten all about last night.
He was even stranger around her, greeting her with a soft nod when she sat up but then turning back to his coffee which he slurped silently.
The worst thing was that he wasn't even mean to her. Because if he were mean, she could just tease him back, and she would at least feel somehow familiar with the way they treated each other. But no, Joel smiled when it was appropriate, he answered her when she asked a question and didn't even comment on her taking way too long until she was finally ready to start today's hike.
"How long until we're gonna be with your brother?" was the first thing Amy asked after they set off. She had measured the words carefully, trying to come up with something that would help maintain a conversation without bothering him with something too personal.
"Mhmm… Another week? Depends."
"On what?" she grinned, though her smile faded when she saw that he was looking at the road ahead rather than her.
"How many miles we make each day. And the weather."
How much time you're gonna waste in the morning. That was surely what he would have said if he hadn't been acting so awkwardly around her. Gosh, she despised this.
"Do you know what he's doing nowadays?"
"No. I don't. I don't even know where exactly he is. S'all based on a lot of maybes."
"Yes… I know."
An hour later, Amy couldn't handle the dragging, painful conversation any longer, which was why she cleared her throat and forced herself to take a deep breath.
This was just as weird for Joel, but she knew that he wouldn't address the elephant in the room under any circumstances, and Amy wanted things to be normal again. Obviously, she didn't know if any promises or pleas on her part would fix it, but one thing was for sure: She didn't feel keen on spending another week like this, Joel barely able to look at her and treating her with kindness that didn't feel very authentic.
"Joel."
"What?"
Again, his eyes were not on her face where they were supposed to be in Amy's mind.
"C'mon…"
"What?"
"Are you kidding me? You don't mind any of this?"
Finally, his gaze briefly flitted to her before he seemed to remember that he was crossing a line he had set for himself.
"I don't mind what?"
"You're acting strange. And it's clearly about last night."
"I'm not acting strange."
Holy shit, this man truly was like a stubborn child. And he was the one who had called her kiddo in the beginning? At least she didn't dodge every uncomfortable topic like bullets.
"I don't – You don't have to beat yourself up for what happened. This is what you're doing, right? You think it's weird now between us, but it doesn't have to be."
"I told you not to mention it again, didn't I?" he said calmly, though there was an unmistakable tremor in his tone that gave her some hope. All she had to do was lure him out of his shell and he would snap like a rubber band.
"And I told you I don't want you to beat yourself up for it."
For a moment, his eyes just glinted dangerously, but then his throat moved as he swallowed.
"Well, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that it was wrong."
She stopped walking so abruptly, Joel followed her example. Then, they just stared at each other, eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line.
"Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy the kiss, Joel?"
"This is not about enjoyin' it, Amy."
"Did you enjoy it?"
His chest heaved heavily, jaw working in contemplation. "It doesn't – matter."
"You enjoyed it. And now you're scared of doing it again."
His jaw worked and he looked like he was either about to turn around coldly or scream at her.
"You're a fuckin' brat, you know that?"
"No," Amy groaned, fighting the urge to pull at her hair. "I just want you to be honest with me."
Joel crossed his arms, then eyed up her face. "Fine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. And yeah, I don't want it to happen again. 'Cause it's the right thing to do."
"Oh fuck you, man!" The words had burst out of her before she could stop herself, her head falling forward while she kneaded her temples.
She was tired of all this shit, of walking on eggshells around him because she was afraid he might shut her out or snap at her, she was tired of being around him without being able to kiss him again.
Because fuck, she had enjoyed it. And she had liked being close to him. Maybe that was just because Joel was the only other breathing creature here, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just that appealing, and maybe she just liked that he protected her and made her feel safe and carefree with his competent hands that carried around his rifle like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Joel just narrowed his eyes at her, tilting his head slightly as he watched her.
"What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? Are you serious? At least I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, you always try to make me feel like a – like an irresponsible child, but you're the fucking child, Joel. Because instead of just talking to me and figuring out a solution, you – you shut down, you bury it all inside you, you – you look at me so strangely, but then you don't look at me again for the rest of the day and I just – fuck, I don't know how to fix it because I know that you're gonna be pissed if I say one wrong thing."
He reacted so quickly, Amy barely had any time to breathe, let alone steady herself on her feet.
His arm thrust forward, grabbing her by her shoulder, and then the next thing she knew, her back was pressed against a tree, her heart pounding so loudly, it drowned out basically everything around her.
Therefore, she was glad when she felt his breath fan her earlobe, so that she could hear him clearly. He was so close, a warmth bubbled in her belly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Shut up… I swear to god, I wish I could just shut you up for once in my fucking life…"
His hand was still around her shoulder, probably bruising her skin at that very moment, but Amy didn't care. Her breathing was flat and shallow, her knees weak, but that didn't matter since Joel trapped her so firmly between the tree and his broad body. His chest wasn't flush against hers, though, as he stood slightly offset from her.
"You say I look at you strangely?" he hummed, his voice raspy and hoarse like he was restraining himself from something dark and uncontrollable. "You say I don't look at you again for the rest of the day? That's because every time I look at you, I don't ever wanna stop. It makes me want things. Things that you don't wanna know about."
"But I do," Amy whispered, squirming a little to reclaim some control over her position, but Joel didn't get the message and remained in place. Or he didn't want to get the message.
"No. You don't."
"Joel, I promise, I – "
He cut her off suddenly, his hand lingering at the base of her neck like a warning while his lips touched the shell of her ear. One second, then another before he reluctantly pulled away an inch.
"I wanna fuck you, Amy… I wanna touch you, I wanna have all of you. I wanna have you in every fuckin' way. Do you even know what that means?"
She could taste her own heartbeat on her tongue, her shaky knees threatening to give out. Amy felt like jelly against his chest. She wished she could just drop forward and trust that Joel would catch her, but he seemed too feral and wild to rely on it as of now.
"I – Yes. I want that too, Joel, I – " She was interrupted again, which was frustrating and a little humiliating.
"No. You don't want that. I don't want that, which is why – fuck, I gotta stop myself. You don't deserve it."
"Don't deserve what?" Amy murmured, winning back some of her composure as she found his eyes and brought her left hand to his forearm.
"You deserve better than me. You don't deserve – to be looked at like that. Thought about the way I think about you. I can't do that to you."
Goddamnit, she wanted to cry out at his stubbornness, his unwillingness to understand what she wanted. What made him think that he knew better than herself?
"But I want it too, Joel," she pleaded.
"You think that you do, but you don't. You're gonna regret it or – or you're gonna feel bad afterwards. And I'm gonna regret it. Definitely." He chuckled in a way she had never heard him laugh before. It wasn't caustic but neither was it genuine or cheerful. It just sounded… sad.
"I can't do it. I can't kiss you again. And you're gonna understand."
He left it at that, dropping his hands and heading back to the path, trusting that Amy was going to follow him. And she did, silently this time.
She was silent for a long time after that, but not really for the reasons that Joel assumed. He was probably relieved by the idea of her finally coming to her senses and beginning to fathom why it was impossible for him to touch her, why it went so strongly against his morals. Or whatever was left of them.
But the truth was that Amy felt surprisingly light considering Joel had just roughly shoved her against a tree.
She knew all that she needed to know.
He wanted her.
Obviously, she had hoped that her surmise was correct, and now she had proof. If that wasn't news she needed some time to process.
Joel
The fire crackled quietly in front of him, heating up his face just right.
After he had pulled his jacket tighter around his torso, his body had reached the exact perfect temperature, at least to his liking. Amy on his right looked slightly more uncomfortable with her grinding teeth, but since she had refused his offer to get her another jacket, he assumed that she was okay.
For the first time in a few hours, Joel allowed himself to relax a little more, his chest heaving steadily while he rested his head against a tree trunk behind him.
The day had started in an absolute mess, the events of the night before clinging to him like a second skin, and then there had been their brief encounter. Joel had lost it in a way that he had sworn to himself would never happen. He had a temper, which he tried to keep under his control, but in a moment of inattention, he had let the leash snap and done something he regretted.
He didn't know if he had scared Amy, but what he knew was that he had been unnecessarily rough and aggressive, which was the last thing he wanted to be toward her.
A few hours later, his attitude had changed somewhat as he had noticed a shift in Amy's behavior. She was quieter than usual, which had at first worried him, but by the time the sun was setting, she had become chattier and more active. But not in that teasing, maddening way, rather a calmer, more introverted kind, which had given him hope.
His outburst might have been too harsh, but perhaps it had finally made Amy see what had been bothering him for many days. The moral conflict raging within his mind like a shadow of his actions.
Now, he felt relaxed enough to even pick up a conversation with her while gazing at the night sky. Since Amy had been reserved all throughout the afternoon, he had looked at her less than usual, which had resulted in a reduction in his sinful thoughts. So maybe everything was going to be fine in the end. He just had to pour all of that out, and now he could begin to grow anew like seeds in the earth. Or a plant rising from ashes.
"That's Jupiter right there," he spoke, watching as Amy raised her gaze to find the bright spot in the sky he was referring to.
"That one?" she whispered, pointing at the correct one.
"Yeah. That's the one."
"It's an amazing night. You can see all the stars and planets."
"Yes…" Joel agreed without really listening to her. He was getting lost in the mesmerizing sight until Amy cleared her throat all of a sudden.
"Joel?"
"What?" he hummed, begrudgingly tearing his gaze from the breathtaking sight.
"Don't say no, please. Can we please drink some of the alcohol?"
Deep chuckles roared in his chest, his head dipped forward while Amy added a number of more pleas that each caused Joel's heart to clench.
"Jesus… What, is there something I should know? Am I traveling with a fuckin' alcoholic?"
"No," Amy sneered, pulling at her sleeves to cover her wrists with the fabric. "You think an alcoholic would make it two months without any alcohol?"
"I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Well, neither am I."
A beat passed, her eyes boring into his profile, caught between hope and despair.
"Please. I'm a little cold and I – I know it would help. Just a little bit for the cold, please."
"You're cold? Well I told you I could get a jacket for you, didn't I? You refused. Now don't complain about it."
"Please," Amy muttered again like it would make a difference. What was she thinking? He had made it clear the day before, hadn't he?
"Don't you think it would be helpful as a good way to just calm down a little? It was a really stressful day, wasn't it?"
Chewing on his bottom lip, Joel paused at her last sentence, though the reason for his hesitation wasn't the stress the day had brought but the emotions that had flared in him. How they had driven him to push Amy against that goddamn tree like that. The shock that had flashed across her face at first when he had shoved her backward… He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe from injury instead of harming her himself. He would have to apologize to her properly before he went to bed, that much was clear.
"It's gonna be fun, Joel. Just – Shutting down our brains a little."
Was it about him? Was she scared of him now after what had happened and wanted to forget about who she was traveling the country with? Had he hurt her in a way that had gone past him thus far?
"Fuck it…" Joel rose to his feet suddenly, grabbing his bag without saying a word.
But as he opened it, he caught a brief flash of excitement on her face, which made him scoff lowly. Perhaps he owed it to her. Could that be true? Was he trying to make his loss of control up to her by giving her a free wish?
He did feel bad about it, yes. More than he had right after it happened but hearing Amy speak about shutting her brain off and distracting herself, he couldn't help but feel guilt gnawing at him.
"Really?" she grinned and folded her hands in her lap, eagerly waiting for him to hand her the bottle.
"Yes. But I don't want ya to get hammered, is that clear? I ain't gonna hold your hair and I ain't gonna have any pity for you when you wake up with a headache tomorrow. Oh, and we're gonna continue tomorrow with traveling. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit."
With that, he threw her the whiskey bottle, a part of him tensing at the loss of contact. He already felt responsible enough for Amy, and now he also had to make sure she wasn't going to injure herself while being intoxicated.
He felt like he was only contributing to possible sources of harm by actively granting her access to alcohol. But then again, she wasn't a child. And she had found that bottle on her own, so it wasn't Joel's place to keep her away from it.
If only he were able to just care a bit less… He wasn't the kind of person to care, he was the one to keep a stern face while someone told him about what hell they had gone through since the outbreak. This wasn't him, goddamnit.
"I know, Joel. I know all of that, what do you think of me?"
Then why are you smiling so broadly, Joel wanted to ask but bit down on his tongue before the question could slip out of his mouth.
Amy took a large sip of the amber liquid, her throat working so visibly that he was just about to tell her to stop and take it easy as she put the bottle down. She coughed a few times, pressing her hand over her heart, then exhaled heavily.
"Fuck, that's good."
Lips tilted upward, she offered him the bottle, which Joel took reluctantly. He hadn't even made his mind up about whether he was going to join Amy in her enjoyment, which was why he just stared at the translucent glass at first.
"Joel?"
A muscle in his jaw twitched.
"You're gonna drink some too, right?"
He remained silent.
"Joel. C'mon, you're not gonna – "
"Jesus… Fine. But not a lot. I gotta stay reasonable. One of us has to…"
If only he had taken his own words to heart and actually acted upon them.
He had started with careful sips, lowering the bottle from his lips as soon as he felt his throat burn, but talking with Amy, listening to her rambling while absent-mindedly drinking from the whiskey, he hadn't really paid any attention to how much alcohol was in his blood until he suddenly turned at the howl of a wolf and realized that his head was swimming.
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" he grunted, resting his palm on his brow. When Amy started giggling, he joined as well, even though he didn't really know why.
"You're a goddamn plague, you know that?"
Shit, he hadn't even followed the motions of her own hand and how often the rim of the bottle had touched her lips as closely as he had intended to. There was a chance that she was about to throw up, and he didn't even notice because he was too drunk to keep a clear mind and make sense of his thoughts.
"Why?" Amy chuckled and placed the side of her face on her knees, teeth showing.
"'Cause you're… Gosh, you're – you're makin' me do stupid things an' – an' you're talkin' me into stuff, and I – shit, you're just – so much."
Instead of defending herself, Amy laughed again, her cheeks ruddy and hot, and her eyes glinting.
"Your accent is so much stronger when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy snickered and tapped the tips of her shoes on the ground. "You're trying to tell me you're not drunk? Joel, you – "
"I'm not drunk," he insisted and blinked a few times, ignoring the throbbing heat behind his temples and how the world around him seemed to sway to the side. Except for Amy, of course. She was a consistent, clear spot right in front of him.
"But I should be," he babbled and took another swig just because the liquid warmed him up so nicely from within. "I should be drunk 'cause you're a fuckin' plague an' you talk a lot. Even when I tell ya to be quiet."
"You're complaining about me a lot considering you're the one who pushed me against a tree today like a fucking maniac."
For an instant, Amy held his gaze, the amused lines around her mouth gone all of a sudden. The look was so intense, he didn't even notice the whiskey dissolving the lump in his throat as a new one appeared at once.
But then, Amy burst into laughter again, and after a few seconds he just joined her because for once, it wasn't so hard to laugh. It came easier to him, and opening his mouth to allow light laughter to ripple through him was quite the pleasant experience, actually.
"S'just… a really goddamn mess."
"What is?" Amy grinned, her eyes round and expectant.
"Everythin'… I am… This stupid world, this – whatever I'm doin' out 'ere –"
"Joel Miller!" she suddenly shouted and rested her chin on her palm to get closer to him. "Don't tell me you get sad when you're drunk."
"I'm not drunk!" he contradicted, although he doubted his denial would have any effect on Amy. Whatever, maybe he was drunk after all and he would wake up tomorrow with a big headache and curse his past self for all the shit he had said.
"Of course you are. Why do you try to deny it?"
Sensing her stir, Joel opened his hooded eyes, just in time to watch her get up and close the distance between the two of them. Then, she knelt down on one knee right in front of him and tilted her head to the side.
Her face looked exactly like he felt, eyes a tad swollen, pupils glossy like there wasn't a lot going on behind them, and her cheeks flushed. Pretty, regardless. Obviously. Joel couldn't imagine that there would be any moment he wouldn't deem her as beautiful. Maybe he found her even more stunning right now, though he didn't know if it was because of his turbid mind, her messy appearance or a combination of both.
"You're saying you're not drunk?" Amy whispered, voice dropped now that she was so close to him. Too close, a quiet voice in the back of his head shouted, but it was very indistinct and distant, spoken through a veil.
"I'm not," he scoffed, chewing on his bottom lip while a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Mhm… Let me see your eyes."
"What do you want with my eyes?" he whispered.
"I wanna see if your pupils are dilated."
"Hmm," Joel grunted, grinding his teeth while Amy shifted in front of him, straightening her upper body.
"I can't see if you keep them closed."
As more giggles spilled past her lips, nervousness fluttered in his stomach. Or the nervousness came from the fact that his body even reacted at all to her proximity, he wasn't sure. He lazily dragged his lids upward, breathing heavily while Amy's face got closer to him, hovering a few inches away.
"And?" he muttered after a few seconds, watching as her narrowed eyes scrutinized his features.
"And what?"
"Are they dilated?"
"I think so," Amy muttered so quietly, her words only just made their way over to him.
"Can't be."
"You're so drunk, Joel." She laughed again, her body vibrating. When he felt something warm on his cheek, he opened his eyes without remembering how he had shut them.
Her hand was on the side of his face, not moving, just transferring her warmth over to his skin. Gosh… she looked so beautiful and soft, his stomach twisted painfully, and the hair on the back of his neck bristled.
Her lips… Fuck, what was it about her lips? He assumed the urge to press his fingers or his mouth or any part of him against them was rooted in the fact that he had gotten into the experience of touching them before, but somehow, that curiosity wasn't quenched yet.
It should have been. He should have kissed her once, found out what it was like and lived on in peace. But Joel wanted more, and it made him feel hungry and greedy like a predator.
Before he could run the thought through his mind a second time, he kissed her. Hard. So hard that Amy nearly stumbled backward if his hand hadn't been on the small of her back, catching her. It allowed him to fully embrace her, and with his other hand at her nape, Joel had her securely in his hold. And holy shit, she felt amazing against him. Warm, soft and fit perfectly in his arms.
Amy had started kissing him back the moment his lips had first brushed against hers, but after a few seconds, she became even more active and tangled her left hand in his hair, tugging at it, perhaps to signal him something. If she did, he doubted that he would catch it like that.
"Joel," she whimpered after a while, moving upward as she was still kneeling in front of him on one knee. She tried to get closer, drape her arm around his neck, but as a response, Joel just lifted her by her arms and pulled her onto his lap like she weighed nothing.
With a quiet gasp, Amy parted her legs to straddle him, her wild hair hanging in her face. He caught a brief glimpse of her pleasure-dark pupils, how they lingered on his lips as if the thoughts in her head only floated around kissing him again. Sure, she was drunk like him, but something else had altered in her, that much was certain.
"Don't stop," Amy whined once his lips were connected with hers again, feeling a surge of relief wash over him at the contact. He needed her taste like he needed oxygen, so kissing her reminded him of coming home to something in a way that he hadn't experienced in twenty years.
"I'm not gonna stop," Joel growled and sprawled both hands on her back, pressing her flush against his chest.
"But you did… Last time." Her words, her feeble voice prompted him to slow down a tad, though he still gently sucked at her bottom lip, all of her too addictive to let go.
"I won't now. I promise. I won't let ya go."
"Please," Amy whispered again and ran her thumb down his temple, toying with his hairline. "Please don't let go, Joel. Promise me again."
"I won't let go, baby. I won't."
From this point forward, the heat returned to anchor itself in the way they touched and held each other. Joel's lips became more passionate again, eliciting little sparks that flew between their mouths, his fingers pinching the fabric of her jacket with a very unambiguous urgency. Amy felt so perfect, so pleasant on top of him. So perfect that it seemed only natural when she started rolling her hips, eagerly rocking herself against him.
Fucking hell… In his experience, his body usually didn't work properly while he was drunk, at least that had been the case during his days in the QZ when he had emptied half a bottle of whiskey throughout the night and languidly stroked his cock out of boredom. He barely was able to get it half hard. Normally. But right now, only seconds after she had begun dragging her hips back and forth, he felt a familiar tightness in his jeans.
"Fuck," Joel breathed, glancing down his body briefly, but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.
"Joel I need you," she muttered and then moved her pelvis in circles that were too exact to feel accidental. She knew what she was doing, of course she did. Even while she was drunk.
His cock answered immediately, throbbing painfully in his pants that were restraining him uncomfortably. Just opening the zip would certainly be so relieving but that would mean – He couldn't, right? Making out a little, maybe touching her waist and her thighs would be fine considering they were both drunk and his moral compass didn't work very well anyway, but he couldn't do anything that involved his cock, could he?
Shit, he hadn't even thought that far, and now everything around him was happening so fast with Amy's hand traveling down his front. Her pretty, small hand, so tiny in comparison to him.
"I know, sweetheart," he answered after silencing a guilty voice in a well-hidden corner of his mind that he wasn't very keen to listen to right now.
"It's okay. I got you, you hear me? I got you."
He stood up with her clinging to him like a monkey but given that she was wasted and her eyes were still so glassy and cloudy, Joel brought one hand under her and another on the small of her back. Then, he walked over to his mat that he had prepared earlier with the expectation to crawl into his sleeping bag right after dinner.
None of this was anywhere close to what he had thought would happen tonight. But he didn't want to focus on that too much. There were so many more interesting and beautiful things happening in front of him, such as Amy's quiet mewl when he gently laid her down, protecting the back of her head with his hand so she wouldn't get hurt.
"You're so fuckin' pretty, you know that? Perfect. I want to – I want you so much, baby."
Taking her bottom lip between her own teeth, her gaze swept over his features, although he assumed she could see just about as little as he could.
"What do you wanna do to me?" Amy then whispered, eliciting a groan from his chest.
"You don't wanna know…"
"But I do. I do, Joel, please."
She sounded so sweet, innocent and mischievous, all at the same time. It was an absolutely tantalizing mixture.
Before he answered, Joel placed his massive hands on her waist, squeezing her flesh while he kissed along her jaw, careful not to create too much friction with his beard that would scratch at her skin painfully.
"I wanna touch you everywhere, baby. And kiss you everywhere. And I wanna – fuck, I wanna see all of you. I wanna take my time and play with ya until I got you beggin' for me. And then I wanna fuck you while I kiss you. The way you want it. Gently, roughly… whatever you want."
"But I was asking how you want it," Amy giggled and opened her legs so subtly, yet it didn't escape Joel.
"Yeah, 'n' I'm tellin' ya that what I want is to fuck you the way you want."
"You're not playing fair."
"Never said I would," Joel just sneered, slipping a hand under her shirt, just to find a small strip of her bare skin. The truth was that he knew exactly how he wanted to fuck her, he had certainly had had enough time to imagine it the past days. But he didn't quite feel like sharing his plans with her yet.
There were two options, he was either going to act them all out with her and just show her himself or he was going to let none of them come true. In that case, he would prefer to keep them a secret to come back to in the future.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," Amy whimpered as his hand wandered just a few inches further north, settling on her ribs. She was so warm and pliant, fitting perfectly under his calloused palms.
"Yeah? You like that? Bein' touched by me like that…" He might have added something else but his body had different plans and drove his mouth to meet hers once again, stealing more of those little kisses from her that left the two of them breathless and the skin around their lips sore and swollen.
"Yes, Joel," Amy weakly panted and dropped her hands to his wrists to encourage him to be bolder and explore more of her. When she pinched the hem of her jacket with the implication that she was about to take the fabric off, Joel put an end to it by seizing both her wrists in one big hand and pinning them above her stomach.
"No, babygirl. S'too cold. You keep this on."
"But I'm not cold," she protested, squirming faintly below him but Joel just shook his head unwaveringly.
"I don't want ya catchin' a cold."
"Then touch me."
Amy nearly choked on a breath, her eyes straining to make out anything of his veiny wrists in the dark, but when his fingertips grazed the swell of the underside of her breast, she gasped in surprise.
"Huh."
She wasn't wearing a fucking bra… What was he to make of that? Well, what he knew for sure was that just based on what his fingers could perceive, he knew that she was stunning and even more beautiful than he had pictured in his countless daydreams. And he knew so without even having to peer at her chest, he could just tell.
"Is that okay, kitten? Do you like that?"
Kitten, yes… That was a nice nickname for her. Joel just knew that he would have never called her that while being sober, it would have caused too many uncertainties to flare in him. But watching her like that, sprawled out on her back, head tilted to the side a little and those sweet whines falling from her lips… Yes, she pretty much was a little kitten.
"I like it, Joel. Don't stop."
She squealed as his fingers traced her nipples for the first time, back arching off the mat to present her chest to him even better. At times, he could feel her heartbeat thunder behind his touch, which made the corner of his mouth curl unbidden.
"You feel really fuckin' good. I ain't gonna stop – you think I could? You think I could let ya go right now? Like that?"
His hips thrust forward, just a subtle, vague reminder of the situation between his legs. He hoped, prayed, that Amy was just as needy as him, that she was dripping and pulsing for him, her clit so hot and aching, she knew that other than Joel taking care of her, there was no option that would satisfy her.
She hummed softly, trailing her thumb along his knuckles as he continued to play with her sensitive buds that stood hard against his palms. When he pulled away his left hand, Amy cried out, but after Joel had trickled some spit onto his thumb and slid it up her torso again, she relaxed beneath him, muscles slackening.
"Don't worry…" Joel soothed her gently, drawing idle patterns over her breast. "I told you, I ain't gonna let go."
Mouth moving along her jawline, Joel carefully squeezed her right breast, grinning at her little squeal. It was so intriguing, so adorable, he did it again instantly and wasn't disappointed the second time either.
"M-More, Joel…" Amy panted, head thrown back and neck wonderfully exposed to the air. The opportunity was too tempting to pass up, so he pulled away from her lips and began sucking on the skin below her chin instead.
"It's okay, darlin'. I know. I'm gonna give ya what you need."
He hoped that would actually turn out to be true, but for now Amy seemed smitten with what she received. He would have to see how far he was going to be able to go.
"That's it…" Joel growled, sensing her muscles loosen beneath him, which seemed a good sign. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, his hands kneading her breasts could feel that, but her back touched the mat again and her shoulders were less tense as well.
Joel shifted uncomfortably on top of her, his clothed dick subtly brushing against her thigh. Fuck, he should have been able to guess what it would do to him touching a woman's chest again after all that time. Not just any woman's chest, for that matter.
"You have no fuckin' idea what you do to me, mhm?" He kissed his way down a little further, stopping at the neckline of her shirt. Before giving it a second thought and coming to the conclusion that it contradicted what he had said earlier, Joel hiked up her shirt, though he left it on her body. The moment it was bunched under her armpits, he dipped his head and kissed her cleavage, closing his eyes in the meantime to focus all his senses on her.
"Joel… Ohhh fuck. Please. Feels so good, Joel. So good."
A hand laced with his locks, combing through his hair affectionately. He liked having her hands on him because it made him feel less like he was using her or taking advantage of her in order to satisfy his sordid desires. The logical side of him knew that Amy probably wanted this just as much as he did, maybe even more, but his nervous system required further proof.
When his lips sealed around her nipple, Amy gasped loudly, and when he sucked the hard nub into his mouth, her body arched and she pulled at his locks so firmly, Joel's cock twitched in his pants.
"That's it, baby," he rumbled but kept his gaze glued to her pretty chest.
Sometimes it was a little overwhelming looking into her eyes. The situation was already overloading and confusing, the sight of her body beneath him a treat that he wasn't quite able to process yet, so he thought it might be for the best not to stir up even more emotions within him. Because that was what it did to him. Arousing an inner turmoil.
"I think I need more, Joel," Amy whined, parting her legs obscenely wide for him.
He had no clue if she had a mild idea about what she was doing to him or if her innocent doe eyes were an honest depiction of herself and she said those things without the intention to drive him insane.
"It's okay," Joel hummed and slid a hand down her side, stopping at her hip. "I got ya. You're gonna get what you need."
"I need you to fuck me."
His breathing faltered, but he quickly seized control over the faint crease between his brow.
"Fuck…" he grunted but knew that there was no use in denying his lust. How could he with Amy so perfectly on display for him, her chest bare and her legs parted? He couldn't do it. The alcohol had turned his head into a mess, the chaos so loud, it drowned everything else. Even the voices that had been telling him what a disgusting creep he was over the past weeks were mute all of a sudden.
"Alright."
"Alright?" Amy mumbled, her lashes fluttering as she watched him devour her neck, face and chest in turns. He just couldn't pick a favorite of those places.
"Yeah. I need you too, baby. Really fuckin' bad."
Without really realizing what he was doing, Joel's hands dropped to her pants, and a second later, he was fumbling with the button of her jeans.
"Joel."
He froze, jaw locked, eyes gazing at her round eyes, which were streaked with real, unmistakable uncertainty.
"Hey, what is it?" Joel muttered and cupped her face with gentle care.
"There's just something you should know. Before we do it."
"And what is that, mhm?" He tried to sound kind and sensitive, but Amy's features didn't change the slightest.
"I've never – done it before. Other stuff… yes. But not that far."
Once the words were out, her lips spread into a smile, a flicker of something passing over her face.
"I just wanted you to know. But I want it still. I want it so bad, Joel, I need to feel you inside. I need – all of it. Please."
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and so were her legs, which gave him no choice but to inhale her scent that reminded him of sunflowers and salt water. She held onto him as if to anchor herself, her mouth forming quiet encouragements meant to work him up further.
Unfortunately, it worked. A few minutes later, Amy's jeans were dragged down her legs, bundled around her knees as Joel had stopped her when she had wanted to kick them off.
"Don't want ya to freeze," he had explained and hadn't even accepted her promise that his body was keeping her warm enough.
"No. You're gonna keep this on or nothing's gonna happen." Oddly, it had made Amy laugh, and he hadn't been able to stop rough chuckles from rippling through him either.
Now, he was using his fingers on her since he assumed that it was the easiest way to open her up nicely. He had briefly considered going down on her, but then again, Joel didn't really feel like leaving her all alone up there. Therefore, it was his thumb drawing circles on her clit, his index finger trailing along her slit to smear her wetness all over her cunt. She was soft like a cat's fur and wet like a puddle. The idea that it was all for him and had solely been caused by his own actions was something he was yet to believe. Perhaps it would take him a day or two.
"Joel, s'really good. Really… fuck."
Her neck bent, trying to take a glimpse of what his hand between her thighs looked like, but all she could probably sense from that angle was the rough outline of his wrist.
"I know, baby, that's it," he replied and kissed her forehead softly. "Do you want me to tell you what it looks like? Want me to tell you how pretty your little pussy creams for me?"
The pad of his finger softly nudged against her opening, and the moment she gasped Yes, Joel pushed the tip inside, just an inch or two. Amy was tight as he had expected, but with her opening soaked and relaxed, he doubted that his actions caused her more than a light sting.
"Fuck… Yes. Yes, please tell me," she panted and glanced down her body once more.
"Well, you're really fuckin' wet, sweetheart. S'fuckin' everywhere. Even on the inside of your thighs. And it's makin' it so easy to slide in… You hear that?" Amy strained her ears and tilted her head to the side. "S'very wet 'n' sticky… You barely feel any pain, right? S'cause your body responds so well to me. Your pussy's loosened, baby. Just how it's supposed to be."
He moved his finger a little just to show her that he was right. Her lips smacked at the feeling, but her low moan clearly wasn't due to any form of pain but rather the pleasure, given the way her eyes rolled back and her nails grazed his bicep.
"Joel… Oh my god. Please fuck me. Please. It's gonna be big, right?" She giggled like she had the time of her life with her own genius mind. "I bet it's big."
"You took a whole lotta time thinkin' about what my cock looks like," Joel snarled but placed his hand on his bulge just to get rid of some of the tension burdening his body.
"Is it?"
He snorted but didn't answer immediately. First, before he could even allow himself to consider any of the things Amy had just put out there, he had to at least give her a second finger. Maybe even a third. Although he obviously would never reply to her question with Yes, he was above average, and it could be quite a lot to take for a virgin. So, Joel soon worked a second finger inside her, but as Amy's eyebrows shot together and some of the redness upon her cheeks disappeared, he grabbed her wrist and placed her hand over his crotch. Distracting her, for now.
Just as with him, she didn't seem controlled by her own consciousness but by her desires. So if he was able to get her to play with his dick, which would hopefully put her thoughts on something else, he could work focused and maybe even scissor her open without peering at her every second to check that she was fine. Fuck, she was fine. Maybe a little too fine, he thought with a silent sigh as he thrust his fingers in her slowly, his thumb still pressed to her clit.
It was stiff and swollen under his touch, which was why it hadn't been difficult to find. The only thing Joel found faintly hard was concentrating on all things at once, driving his fingers in and out of her, teasing her bud and kissing her neck and chest. He didn't want to neglect any part of her, hell, he would have touched her everywhere at once if there was a physical possibility.
"It's big," Amy whispered, looking like she was in awe of what her hand on him could feel. She pawed at his jeans, moving her fingers along the stitching, which prompted Joel to suck a sharp breath through his teeth. Shit, he hadn't thought about that option. Him being completely swept off his feet by her teasing hand.
"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry about anythin'. You know that I got ya."
Yeah, that was what he wanted. For her to let go and let herself fall while she trusted that he was going to catch her.
Another five minutes later, three of Joel's thick fingers were stretching her open. He had taken his time, hadn't rushed her with anything, but phrases like I need it and Please, Joel, fuck me were spilling from her lips in a consistent rhythm, which had provoked him to act faster than he normally would have.
When he had added a third digit, he had sensed some tension in her body, but it had abated as well, like a wave ebbing along a shore.
As he aligned himself with her dripping hole, praying that he hadn't lost his goddamn mind and his current self wasn't entirely detached from the person that he actually was, he set a rule that he swore to keep in his mind. No cumming inside her. In fact, Joel was so proud to have found the needed sense in him to come up with such a wise principle that he became a tad bolder as he tapped the head of his cock against her hole.
"Are you sure, baby? You want me to push in?"
The corner of his mouth curved upward before Amy could answer because her eyes were already so bright and shimmery, he had no reason to doubt that she would urge him to go on. Which happened exactly like that.
"Yes. Yes, I want you to. Please."
"Ain't no goddamn reason to beg me, baby…" he grunted as he began feeding her the tip of him. Amy looked like she had wanted to say something else, something that seemed to amuse her, but the grin was wiped off her face in an instant, her expression marked with a mix of shock and need.
"Oh my god…" she squealed and instinctively clenched around him, which elicited a groan in him.
Fuck, this wouldn't take very long.
No wonder, the last time he had fucked someone had been… six years ago? Seven? It had been one of the other residents of the apartment building he had lived in. Joanne, with the red hair and evil smile. He didn't want to think about her right now. Definitely not right now.
"Joel. Joel, it's – " Amy glared down where their bodies connected, her eyes going wide like she couldn't believe what was happening right now.
Neither could he, but he stopped himself every time his thoughts wandered off too far. Whenever he entered that dangerous area, he felt more like himself again, and he had figured out that he wasn't keen on feeling that way right now. He wanted to be in the moment and not rack his brain pondering what his future self was going to think of this, what he was doing right now, who he was lying on top of.
"Is it okay? You need me to stop?"
Of course, he would do that without batting an eye, yet he felt relieved when he saw her head shake.
"No. No, don't stop. Don't stop, Joel. I feel full. Like I… Like I have to go pee."
He had never heard that comparison before, which was why he laughed softly and tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. There was a chance that it was just her sweat or it was raining. Even if the latter was true, he wasn't surprised that the weather change had escaped him. If there were raindrops trickling onto his back, he didn't feel them. Or didn't want to feel them as Joel wished to be numb to anything that didn't center Amy.
"You gotta pee?"
"Not really," Amy sniffled, her toes curling while Joel pushed another inch inside, his thumb still swiping over her clit to divert her attention somewhere else.
"Just – Feels like it. It's funny."
He slowly rolled his hips into her, testing if he could go an inch further without hurting her. Amy's teeth ground, a low hiss slipping through her pressed lips, but she whispered his name over and over again so sweetly, there was just no way she might dislike anything about this.
Her hands were on his shoulders, her nails occasionally digging into his flesh when he stirred or murmured something dirty in her ear. There surely must be marks or even blood running up his arms, but that was something he didn't need to know either. Her nails grazing his skin, of course. Because those were a part of her body. But her nails tearing his skin and perhaps causing his body discomfort? It was secondary.
"Holy shit…" Joel panted in her ear, his cock pulsing as her pussy slowly started to give way to his thickness.
He despised the idea of hurting her, of harming her even when she explicitly wanted him to proceed, but at the same time her body, the noises she produced for him were so all-consuming that not even in this case, he was able to think clearly.
"Is that – is that okay?" he whispered after a while, his cock filling her further gradually, with so much time between his pushes that Amy could stop him if she wanted to.
"Yes, Joel. It's good. Just – hurts a little. But it's okay."
"Are you sure?" His mouth was floating an inch away from her face, his hot breath ghosting over her flushed cheeks, so hot they warmed up the air between their bodies.
"Yes. It's okay. I promise. Please fuck me. Please, I need it. You know that I need it."
"You can't – say stuff like that…" Joel grunted but pulled away a tad in order to thrust back in.
He knew that he was being a ridiculous hypocrite for contradicting her words while acting upon them, but he had no choice goddamnit. How was he supposed to slip his length out of her, go to bed and pretend that none of this had happened? He was rock hard, his blood was boiling like lava and his mind could only crave one thing, and unfortunately, that was exactly who was so willingly sprawled out underneath him right now.
"But it's the truth," Amy whimpered and draped her arms around his neck firmly, letting her fingers slide through his hair.
"Fuck me, Joel."
Lacking any reasonable counterarguments, he did. Gently and sensually instead of aggressively.
Unfortunately he only lasted about five minutes before the muscles in his thighs cramped, and the next thing he knew his seed was filling her up to the brim.
Over the past minutes, Joel had rubbed lazy circles on Amy's clit, whispering encouragements and low praise into her ear, but he hadn't found the willpower within himself to wait for her. In fact, he doubted he physically could have restrained himself another five minutes.
So, Joel just collapsed on top of her, the energy leaving his elbows and knees, which was why he ended up pressing Amy into the mat with his entire weight.
"Jesus… Oh my fuckin'… Oh shit, baby, you – you're so perfect, fuck…"
Amy barely even stirred below him, which unsettled him as soon as his body and mind had come back together and he felt capable of intelligent thoughts.
"Amy… can you look at me?"
His shadow was covering most of her face, but as her lips curled, he could clearly see it in the dark. Her hands were still on his shoulders, fingers digging into his flesh while she raised her gaze.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," she muttered, lashes fluttering slowly. "Just – so tired…"
"Do you want me to make ya cum?" No matter how tired and exhausted he felt, he was a gentleman after all and –
"No… I don't think so. I wish I could just sleep, Joel."
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel hurt by that or be glad to get some rest too. "Hey, are you sure you're okay?"
Fuck… He hadn't just messed this up, had he? The worst part was that if that was the case, he couldn't even precisely figure out how he had failed because he was so tired, still drunk, and most importantly too exhausted to finish a single train of thought.
"I'm okay, Joel. I promise. I just – I'm so tired. But I liked it. I really did."
When the side of his head hit the ground, Joel was torn between feeling blissful about the fact that for the first time, he got to fall asleep next to Amy and dreading having done something wrong.
There were a million options cascading through him all at once, but then again, none of those thoughts were graspable or coherent since his mind was surrounded by a dense cloud that didn't allow for any deeper analysis.
So when Joel closed his eyes, he hardly even had the time to realize what he had just done before he drifted off to sleep, Amy's body pressed against him to save as much warmth as possible.
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Din comes back after a long, exhausting day and feels too tense to give you any attention. So you make it your mission to be impossible to ignore.
Contains: smut, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, praise kink, dom!din, brat-ish reader, dirty talk, pet names (baby, sweetheart, princess, babygirl), dom/sub dynamic, slight power imbalance, light degradation, fingers in mouth, mentions of violence (non-graphic), reader is needy & desperate, soft aftercare, established relationship, no use of y/n
Wordcount: 4,771
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Din practically rushes into the Razor Crest that day, his heavy boots dragging across the floor in a way that makes you sharpen your senses.
"Din?" you shout over your shoulder and rise to your feet to welcome him.
"Don't ask…" is the first thing he barks in your direction, plopping into a chair while you raise your eyebrows in concern.
"Are you alright?"
He only went out to do some miserably paid job for a smuggler today, so you didn't expect him to be that exhausted when he came back.
"Yeah. It was just… a fucking mess. The guy… I shouldn't've trusted him. He made it sound like it was just one guy who barely had any guards with him, but guess what… Had a whole fucking army."
"I'm sorry, Din…" you whisper and take his hand, which he quickly pushes away.
"It's fine. I just gotta calm down. Jesus… I should never work for smugglers again. They just rip you off."
"Can I do something for you?" you ask and sit down as well, crossing your legs while your boyfriend reaches for the map that's spread across the desk.
"No. I just… I'm just gonna focus on this. It's gonna distract me. I'm serious, I'm fine. Just – angry."
"Yeah, but I could help you too. Distract you… you know?"
You mischievously lift the corner of your mouth, but unfortunately it doesn't have the desired effect on Din. He just tilts his head to the side, the blinking red lights of the defense installation reflecting in his visor.
"It's fine. You don't have to."
"I want to, Din, really, I – "
He cuts you off by raising his hand, then points to the map in front of him.
"I said it's fine. Just… I don't know, go to bed. I'm okay."
Although you respect his wishes, you stay with him, hoping that your breathing isn't going to bother him and stress him more than he already is. Fortunately, he doesn't complain about your mere presence, though you feel frustrated regardless. On a normal day, he probably would have already swiped this stupid map off the desk and fucked your lights out. He claims he's alright, but he doesn't act that way, which irritates you.
"How was your day?" he asks after half an hour, lifting his gaze from the map for the very first time. You jump at the sound of his voice, eyes big as they take in his hands that are bare by now. Good, at last a first sign of calm nerves.
"Okay. I fixed the cooling system."
"Good," he wheezes and glares back down while you try to figure out what to make of this interaction. With his helmet on and even his voice distorted, it's always hard to read him. And then, this is just his personality. Not talking a lot, especially not about his emotions. Telling you to back off when you're positive he needs you most. But how are you supposed to help him when your priority is respecting his boundaries and avoiding annoying him further?
"Din?"
"Mhm?" he snorts and doesn't move a muscle.
"You have a wound on your wrist."
He twists his left hand, then stares at you. "It's nothing."
"Let me take care of it. Please." You add that little word because you know what it does to him. In addition to the plea you put into your voice, you have a good feeling about convincing him to grant you that freedom in no time…
"Fine. But it's not necessary. It's just a small cut."
You pretend you don't even hear him as you walk over to a cupboard where your medications are stored. He is right, it's really nothing more than a small wound that doesn't require any special attention, but on a day like that, you seize any opportunity to get closer to him, physically as well as spiritually.
"How did it happen?" you ask while you sit back down, shifting closer to him to take a look at the crust.
"I don't even remember…" Din sighs but offers you his arm willingly.
"Does it hurt?"
"No."
You smile and then lean in to kiss his helmet like you usually always do when he returns. You haven't done it tonight, and you have felt the consequences strain on your shoulders. He doesn't jerk back or protest, which causes relief to bubble in your stomach. When his hand roams up your back, briefly brushing against the fabric of your shirt, your lips curl and you start to think that everything might just be alright in a matter of seconds. Perhaps after you have cleaned the wound…
"I'm gonna go after this motherfucker, by the way. He owes me after this mission. He basically paid me nothing. At least compared to the shit that I did for him."
He forms a fist with his right hand, which gives you a great view of the massive size of his palm, his beautiful bulging veins. Fuck, you really haven't picked a good day to be so horny given that Din seems entirely elsewhere with his thoughts today. The only question standing in the room is whether or not he's going to remember the desire he normally feels for you after a long day.
"Are you gonna do that tomorrow?" you ask carefully while applying some disinfectant to the wound. He sharply inhales through his teeth but doesn't stop you.
"Probably. Depends on if he's still in his shithole or has fled the planet. We'll see."
"What are you doing with the map?" you want to know next and put the bottle back down as you're finished with the simple task.
"Just figuring out our route. Thanks… Can't be too safe with those cuts…"
You smile faintly and sit down, though you have no intention of ending the conversation you're holding with your boyfriend.
"Din?"
"What?"
You let a second pass before you grab his hand and slowly bring it to your face. Slowly, so that you can see his posture shift in real time.
"Sweetheart…" Din grunts, his fingers curling against your cheek just a tad.
"Please…?" you mutter and put all the despair and hope in your lingering gaze.
"Please what?"
"Please be with me… I need you." You hope that he knows in what way you need to be with him without having to spell it out. However, his body doesn't tell you if he knows what exactly you have in mind.
"Baby, I need to finish this stuff."
"But can't you do it tomorrow?"
At that point, the misery and pathetic yearning in your tone are of no concern to you. You know Din well enough to be comfortable wearing your feelings on your sleeve and telling him just how desperate you are for an ounce of his attention.
"I gotta know where to fly us, don't I?" he groans, gently pulling his hand away from your face, which causes your shoulders to slump.
"Please. I missed you all day."
"Babygirl, you know that I wanna make you feel good, but I can't do it right now. I got work to do."
"And would you let me? Make you feel good?"
Hope briefly flickers in your eyes, but then it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. Din shakes his head slowly and determinedly places your hand, which has awkwardly hovered in the air, in your lap.
"Just go to bed. You need your rest, sweetheart. And I have to focus, I can't be distracted from this, alright?"
Your lips involuntarily pucker, round eyes setting on his visor where a few inches below he's hopefully feeling a small amount of pity for you right now.
"But can I stay in here at least?" you breathe, finger twitching in his direction before you remember how cruelly he has just shoved your hand into your own lap. Instead of his, goddamnit.
"Okay. But please be quiet, baby, okay? We can cuddle later. But not now."
You nod weakly, although Din is already busy with his stupid map again, which he studies manically. You wonder what could even be mildly interesting about it. Sure, the ship needs a route and his way of earning money requires good planning, but you don't understand why he can't just do it another day, and why the two of you can't stay on this planet for a little while.
The city is big, there are many people who are looking for guys just like Din, and salt is cheap here. Once he has made a little more money and you can trade it on the black market for more of it, you might be able to sell it on Coruscant for a fortune. If those weren't good prospects.
"Alright, sweetheart…" he suddenly sneers, which prompts you to whirl around so suddenly your head spins.
"C'mere."
Lips parting in surprise, you don't react immediately, which makes Din sway his head to the side.
"You don't want to?"
"N-No, of course, I – Yes, I want to."
You smile brightly and move closer again, but once you're in reach, you realize that he hasn't specified what exactly he wants you to do, so you questioningly cock your eyebrows upward.
"Spread your legs. I'm gonna take care of you, but I still need you to be silent. Not quiet, silent."
As he tips his head toward the map, it hits you and you draw a deep breath.
"Yes, I – I can do it."
So he's going to touch you the way you crave it, but he's not going to give you his full attention. It's better than nothing, you find, and part your thighs like he has told you to.
"Spit in your palm," is his next command, harshly slipped past his lips so that it rather resembles a bark.
"Aren't you gonna…" you begin but bite onto your lip, watching his shoulders tense.
"Sweetheart… Do it. Or you're gonna have to take care of it yourself."
Okay, so you are playing with fire. Before that, you have been unsure whether you can permit yourself to get a tad more playful with him, hoping that his mood is going to brighten throughout the evening, but it seems like you're walking on glass around him tonight.
After Din has commanded you to open your pants, and you have obeyed his demand, you bring your spit to your pussy, smearing it all over your folds as best as you can while twisting your wrist like that. Only then does he take action for the first time.
"Come here," he snarls, keeping his eyes on the map but beckoning you closer with his hand. Once you do, he instantly finds the front of your pants as though the heat of your core has attracted his hand, and it has a magnetic effect on him.
He slips his fingers past the waistband silently, doesn't grunt or hum at the warmth of your cunt, doesn't inhale at the wetness coating your hole and doesn't praise you the way he normally does. Obviously, it's disappointing, but since Din still makes use of his talents, your brain is too distracted to get lost in your frustration.
"Ohh," you pant and immediately rock your hips against his hand, feeling the fat pad of his thumb press up against your clit. He circles the nub with such remarkable precision that you wonder how he manages to look at and understand the map, twist his hand in a way that must hurt, and find all the right spots at the same time.
But Din has always impressed you, and he continues to do so every single day you spend with him. The only thing bothering you is his silence, even though you pray that he might grow more vocal the longer he keeps his hand snug between your thighs.
"Din. Owww fuck. Yes…"
You place your elbow on the table, resting your cheek on your palm while he dives deeper to tap his middle finger against your hole. The fabric of your underwear is tight around his hand, giving him not much space to move, but by using some force, he is able to wander around your pussy effortlessly.
"Din. Din, fuck, yeah…" You probably look pathetic wincing and squirming in the chair like a madwoman, meanwhile your boyfriend couldn't have looked any more indifferent to the way you squeal and pant.
"Sweetheart…" he grumbles, sounding somewhere in the middle of annoyed and warning, but in your state of ecstasy you're unable to distinguish between the two.
"Please."
You don't know what you're asking for. Right now, for him to touch you where it burns, where your clit throbs until the tension is gone, but in the big picture, perhaps for him to give you more. Maybe to at least look at you while he fingers you so that you feel a bit more like he enjoys this too and doesn't just keep his hand between your legs to shut you up at last.
"F-Feels good," you stammer and place your hand over his wrist, rolling your hips in circles to meet his touch and show him where you most need him. Fuck, you wish he would at least acknowledge you and not utterly ignore what you have to say, no matter how brainless it may be. At least he huffs through his nose, though you can't tell whether he's referring to the big map in front of him or your relentless wriggling.
When he sinks two of his digits inside you, your toes curl and you can't help but stretch your legs away from you. You descend lower in the chair, arching your back, but Din just continues with his finger work as if he doesn't even notice any of your little reactions. Well, you can't be sure that he doesn't. He seems so focused on this map that you believe he might just be elsewhere with his thoughts, and his behavior isn't just a façade.
He's knuckles deep inside you now, gently scissoring you open while his thumb rolls around your stiff bundle of nerves. You have no idea how he does it blindly and from this angle, but to you there is no difference at all from how it feels normally. When you don't sit half behind him and his eyes aren't transfixed on his desk.
"Din…" you cry out and paw at his wrist, feeling the urge to drop your head to his arm to create more physical contact, but you're too scared that he will stop.
"Din, please."
He still shows no reaction. You could have slammed your brow on the surface of his table or scratched up your nails.
"Ohhh shit. Ah – Ah, fuck…"
He twists his fingers so delicately and perfectly that you involuntarily jerk, pressing your lips together to stay quiet before he's going to remind you to stay silent again. His thumb is so big and warm, much larger than your own, and it shows in the way he rubs tight circles over your clit. He touches you where it pulses uncomfortably, but at the same time, he doesn't overwhelm you. The pleasure always lingers right on the border of being too much, yet he never crosses it. You seriously don't know how he does it, if he just knows your body that well or if these are simply his instincts driving him to change the angle at the exact right time.
"Din," you choke out again, tugging at his hand to squeeze him closer against your core.
"Shh… I said quiet, sweetheart," he whispers. He probably thinks that his words are going to have an efficient effect on you, but what his voice does to you isn't something either of you could have possibly anticipated. His low, raspy tone sends shivers down your spine, your view blurring as you draw a heavy breath through your parted lips.
"Huh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, Din, fuck…"
His fingers hit you deeper, creating a steady rhythm against your cervix. He doesn't hurt you, nor does he lifelessly thrust them back and forth, but once more, seems to know where he needs to nudge his pads against.
From the corner of your eye, you see his left hand curl into a fist, which has previously moved the card around. You presume that it's a good sign, but his divine swipes across your pearl don't give you the time and concentration to analyze his behavior further.
You're just about to moan his name again, the syllables already bubbling in the back of your throat, when his touch is gone all of a sudden. It's only now that you realize your eyes are closed.
"N-No," you whine, blinking a few times when there are two hands on your waist, dragging you to your feet.
"Fuck it," Din groans, moves you over to the desk faster than you can process, and the next thing you feel are his massive hands opening your legs.
"You fucking know what you're doing… don't you?" he hisses darkly, cradling your face with his left hand while his right frees his cock from the restraints of his pants. You faintly feel satisfaction and arousal coil in your stomach, but you can't bring yourself to entirely taste the full extent. You feel too surprised, and your head is still spinning too fast from being hoisted to your feet so rapidly.
"You wanted this so badly, right? Wanted to distract me…"
Moving his left hand to your thigh, he trails the tip of his cock through your folds, gathering your wetness while you turn to jelly on top of the desk.
"I need you, Din…" Your hands loosely run up his armor that he has yet to take off. The surface has a cooling effect on your palms, still, you wish he were naked instead so that you can kiss him, feeling his muscles pulse under your flesh.
"I know you do. Didn't try to hide it, mhm?"
His cock enters you in one swift motion that causes your eyes to widen. You can't see it in his face, but based on the way he halts and rubs soothing patterns over your skin, you know that through his harsh demeanor your well-being is still his priority that outshines everything else. Even while he takes you roughly, and even while he's a little pissed at you for bringing chaos into his evening plans.
"That's it, sweetheart… Right there, mhm?"
You want to mewl as he connects his hand with your lower belly, gently pressing into your stomach.
"You're driving me fucking insane, do you know that?"
"I'm sorry…" you whisper and dip your head forward so that it can rest on his shoulder while he steadily drives his length in and out of you.
"I know you are… It's okay. You just can't help being a little slut for me sometimes. It's not your fault…"
You convulse at his words, lips agape and eyes half closed. His thumb on your clit, which you haven't even noticed to be there until now, presses into you harshly, building up more and more pressure until you shriek and jolt, which evokes deep panting in him.
"I know, baby…. I know. So responsive, isn't she?"
You paw at his strong arms, lips pursed as though you're mad at him for something, but in truth, you just want more of him. There is a hunger in your tummy that can never be slaked, no matter how many times he fucks his seed inside you.
"What is it, sweetheart, mhm? Are you mad at me for not taking proper care of you earlier?"
"N-No," you stutter shyly and glare down to where both his dick and his hand are working on you. You feel spoiled and finally taken care of, yet there's something missing and you can't make out what it is. Perhaps it's the many layers of clothing hiding him from you. There are so many that you don't even feel like starting to undo one button after the other because you know that by the time you're done, the two of you will probably have already reached your orgasms.
But when Din suddenly works two fingers inside your mouth, you flinch and feel your pussy clench around his manhood.
"There she is… Suck on them, baby. That's it, look at me."
You struggle to focus on so many things at once, staying still for him, twirling your tongue around his digits and keeping your eyelids open, which is why at times, you have to make compromises.
"No, baby… Eyes up here. C'mon, or I'm gonna have to stop."
You obey immediately, whimpering around his fingers, which earns you a light slap on your clit.
"Just suck on them… Suck on them like a good girl. You can do it. I know you can, princess."
The tears start to flow not soon after that, but Din is already used to the sight. You always cry at the smallest things, the stories that your boyfriend tells you about the criminals he has arrested, especially when it includes a separated parent and child, tales you read about in books, and even insignificant things such as a cute animal on the street. He knows that in 99% of the cases the salty drops coating your skin are not linked to discomfort but rather an intemperate longing to be with him, which is why he doesn't stop, though he slows down a tad, cradling your face in his palm.
"It's okay, baby… It's okay. I'm right here. And I'm gonna be here until you tell me to let go. Not any sooner than that."
You snivel, bringing your hands to the side of his helmet to yank him closer.
"It's okay…"
The top of his head is resting against yours, and although the feeling of the cold fabric couldn't have been further from his warm skin, you feel a special amount of intimacy while leaning against him like that.
"Do you wanna cum for me, sweetheart? I know that you're close… Can feel you clench around me. You can cum, baby, I'm right here."
"But I don't want it to stop…" you mutter against his fingers that are still stuffing your mouth full.
"But it has to stop at some point, baby. You need your rest."
"No I don't," you protest and give his digits a hard suck, hoping that it might cause other, darker desires in him. Some that involve your lips wrapped around his cock, perhaps.
"Yes, you do, princess."
"But you're gonna work on your stupid map all night. And I don't want that."
Your lips are forming a pout now, more tears stinging in the corner of your eyes, and this time, Din can't be certain that these are just a result of being doused with love and yearning. Therefore, he stops his thrusts, although he remains buried inside you, his thumb hovering an inch over your hard clit.
"Okay, hon, I promise I'm not gonna work on the map tonight. Not until you fall asleep."
"And after that?"
Fuck, you're smart. Sometimes he forgets how smart, especially when you give him your pretty doe eyes and wide, blissful smile.
"I might work on it after you've fallen asleep. But you're not gonna notice any of that, baby, I promise. You're gonna be sound asleep, I'm just gonna be away for a little while and then come back to bed. I'll hold you until you've dozed off."
He removes his hand from your mouth to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear lovingly, then brushes his knuckles over your cheekbone.
"No. Then I won't cum," you hiss, brows drawn together.
Din is so close to snapping at you that he has to take a beat to inhale. He's lucky you can't see his facial responses because he's sure that the lines around his eyes and mouth are hard and stern, a view that might either upset you further or prompt a new wave of tears to cascade upon you. None of those options were very desirable to him at the moment.
"Sweetheart…"
"No. I will only cum if you promise me you won't work on the stupid map today. I wanna be with you, Din… Please. You've been away all day, and I – I just missed you so much. You always work, and you – you're busy and – and stressed."
There are a thousand explanations and justifications suffusing his brain, but he knows that none of them are going to calm you, let alone satisfy you. You're not in the right state of mind to be reassured by reason but by the patience and steadiness he wears like a second skin.
Another glance at your quivering lips, as well as the way you grip his shoulders, tells him all he needs to know. This isn't going to work the way he wants it to, and if he wants to fall asleep peacefully later, there is no way around giving in.
Screw it. The two of you can stay on this planet another day. The delay is worth preserving the peace, especially because he knows how bratty and stubborn you can get once you've worked yourself into a frenzy.
"Okay, baby, I promise. I won't touch the map again tonight. I promise you, I'm gonna cuddle you to sleep, and then I'm gonna stay with you. How does that sound, mhm?"
Finally, your face lights up, and he can spot brief surprise around your pupils.
"Yes, please… Yes, I want that."
He can't help the way his lips tilt upward, peace settling in his stomach just like it surely does in yours. If this isn't worth maintaining the balance, it's definitely worth regarding the joy etched into your features. How could he have possibly forgotten that?
"Okay, baby… Then cum for me. It's okay..."
After giving you a few more slow rubs around your bundle of nerves as well as gentle nudges against your g-spot, you unravel for him, just like he intended.
Part of him guesses that he could have made you climax anyway, and that you don't really possess the willpower to resist the urge to control your body as you claimed, but everything is easier like that. You surely would have thrown a tantrum, being driven over the edge by his nimble fingers without settling your deal with him first.
The second you reach your high, you collapse on the desk like a sack of potatoes, which is why you don't even realize or complain about the fact that Din hasn't spilled his seed inside you. Instead, you almost instantly fall asleep on the spot, so if it weren't for his arms slinging around your back, you might have hit your head on the hard surface.
"Shhh…" he coos in your ear and holds you up against his chest, listening to your breathing.
Fuck, you really are adorable like that, all hot-tempered and stubborn until his feather-light touch on your clit puts you into a coma-like kind of state.
He carefully pulls his cock out of you, tucks himself in, and then pulls your pants up your legs. His dick is still rock hard and strains under the confines of his underwear, but that's an issue he's going to take care of later. Or more likely, in the morning.
Before he can even consider taking any action to solve his problem, he carries you to bed, lying you down on your back and covering you with the blanket. The idea of leaving you to get some more work done flares in his head for a very quick moment before he discards it and takes his place to your left.
No, a promise is a promise. Even when you would never find out the truth. Besides, he suddenly doesn't feel like being alone in the dark, cold room anymore at all. He would much rather rest as well, being snuggled up against your warm body and feeling you pressed up against his front.
There is his straining dick in his pants, of course… Maybe it was a mistake not cumming inside you, but he was too focused on bringing you there safely and holding you through the aftermath, so his personal pleasure has been pushed to the margins.
Tomorrow, he thinks, possessively sprawling his hand out on top of your stomach.
Fuck, you're so incredibly warm and supple, the ground below Din shifts, and the following thoughts slip away before he is able to catch them.
Din comes back after a long, exhausting day and feels too tense to give you any attention. So you make it your mission to be impossible to ignore.
Contains: smut, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, praise kink, dom!din, brat-ish reader, dirty talk, pet names (baby, sweetheart, princess, babygirl), dom/sub dynamic, slight power imbalance, light degradation, fingers in mouth, mentions of violence (non-graphic), reader is needy & desperate, soft aftercare, established relationship, no use of y/n
Wordcount: 4,771
Masterlist
Wanna be on my taglist?
Din practically rushes into the Razor Crest that day, his heavy boots dragging across the floor in a way that makes you sharpen your senses.
"Din?" you shout over your shoulder and rise to your feet to welcome him.
"Don't ask…" is the first thing he barks in your direction, plopping into a chair while you raise your eyebrows in concern.
"Are you alright?"
He only went out to do some miserably paid job for a smuggler today, so you didn't expect him to be that exhausted when he came back.
"Yeah. It was just… a fucking mess. The guy… I shouldn't've trusted him. He made it sound like it was just one guy who barely had any guards with him, but guess what… Had a whole fucking army."
"I'm sorry, Din…" you whisper and take his hand, which he quickly pushes away.
"It's fine. I just gotta calm down. Jesus… I should never work for smugglers again. They just rip you off."
"Can I do something for you?" you ask and sit down as well, crossing your legs while your boyfriend reaches for the map that's spread across the desk.
"No. I just… I'm just gonna focus on this. It's gonna distract me. I'm serious, I'm fine. Just – angry."
"Yeah, but I could help you too. Distract you… you know?"
You mischievously lift the corner of your mouth, but unfortunately it doesn't have the desired effect on Din. He just tilts his head to the side, the blinking red lights of the defense installation reflecting in his visor.
"It's fine. You don't have to."
"I want to, Din, really, I – "
He cuts you off by raising his hand, then points to the map in front of him.
"I said it's fine. Just… I don't know, go to bed. I'm okay."
Although you respect his wishes, you stay with him, hoping that your breathing isn't going to bother him and stress him more than he already is. Fortunately, he doesn't complain about your mere presence, though you feel frustrated regardless. On a normal day, he probably would have already swiped this stupid map off the desk and fucked your lights out. He claims he's alright, but he doesn't act that way, which irritates you.
"How was your day?" he asks after half an hour, lifting his gaze from the map for the very first time. You jump at the sound of his voice, eyes big as they take in his hands that are bare by now. Good, at last a first sign of calm nerves.
"Okay. I fixed the cooling system."
"Good," he wheezes and glares back down while you try to figure out what to make of this interaction. With his helmet on and even his voice distorted, it's always hard to read him. And then, this is just his personality. Not talking a lot, especially not about his emotions. Telling you to back off when you're positive he needs you most. But how are you supposed to help him when your priority is respecting his boundaries and avoiding annoying him further?
"Din?"
"Mhm?" he snorts and doesn't move a muscle.
"You have a wound on your wrist."
He twists his left hand, then stares at you. "It's nothing."
"Let me take care of it. Please." You add that little word because you know what it does to him. In addition to the plea you put into your voice, you have a good feeling about convincing him to grant you that freedom in no time…
"Fine. But it's not necessary. It's just a small cut."
You pretend you don't even hear him as you walk over to a cupboard where your medications are stored. He is right, it's really nothing more than a small wound that doesn't require any special attention, but on a day like that, you seize any opportunity to get closer to him, physically as well as spiritually.
"How did it happen?" you ask while you sit back down, shifting closer to him to take a look at the crust.
"I don't even remember…" Din sighs but offers you his arm willingly.
"Does it hurt?"
"No."
You smile and then lean in to kiss his helmet like you usually always do when he returns. You haven't done it tonight, and you have felt the consequences strain on your shoulders. He doesn't jerk back or protest, which causes relief to bubble in your stomach. When his hand roams up your back, briefly brushing against the fabric of your shirt, your lips curl and you start to think that everything might just be alright in a matter of seconds. Perhaps after you have cleaned the wound…
"I'm gonna go after this motherfucker, by the way. He owes me after this mission. He basically paid me nothing. At least compared to the shit that I did for him."
He forms a fist with his right hand, which gives you a great view of the massive size of his palm, his beautiful bulging veins. Fuck, you really haven't picked a good day to be so horny given that Din seems entirely elsewhere with his thoughts today. The only question standing in the room is whether or not he's going to remember the desire he normally feels for you after a long day.
"Are you gonna do that tomorrow?" you ask carefully while applying some disinfectant to the wound. He sharply inhales through his teeth but doesn't stop you.
"Probably. Depends on if he's still in his shithole or has fled the planet. We'll see."
"What are you doing with the map?" you want to know next and put the bottle back down as you're finished with the simple task.
"Just figuring out our route. Thanks… Can't be too safe with those cuts…"
You smile faintly and sit down, though you have no intention of ending the conversation you're holding with your boyfriend.
"Din?"
"What?"
You let a second pass before you grab his hand and slowly bring it to your face. Slowly, so that you can see his posture shift in real time.
"Sweetheart…" Din grunts, his fingers curling against your cheek just a tad.
"Please…?" you mutter and put all the despair and hope in your lingering gaze.
"Please what?"
"Please be with me… I need you." You hope that he knows in what way you need to be with him without having to spell it out. However, his body doesn't tell you if he knows what exactly you have in mind.
"Baby, I need to finish this stuff."
"But can't you do it tomorrow?"
At that point, the misery and pathetic yearning in your tone are of no concern to you. You know Din well enough to be comfortable wearing your feelings on your sleeve and telling him just how desperate you are for an ounce of his attention.
"I gotta know where to fly us, don't I?" he groans, gently pulling his hand away from your face, which causes your shoulders to slump.
"Please. I missed you all day."
"Babygirl, you know that I wanna make you feel good, but I can't do it right now. I got work to do."
"And would you let me? Make you feel good?"
Hope briefly flickers in your eyes, but then it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. Din shakes his head slowly and determinedly places your hand, which has awkwardly hovered in the air, in your lap.
"Just go to bed. You need your rest, sweetheart. And I have to focus, I can't be distracted from this, alright?"
Your lips involuntarily pucker, round eyes setting on his visor where a few inches below he's hopefully feeling a small amount of pity for you right now.
"But can I stay in here at least?" you breathe, finger twitching in his direction before you remember how cruelly he has just shoved your hand into your own lap. Instead of his, goddamnit.
"Okay. But please be quiet, baby, okay? We can cuddle later. But not now."
You nod weakly, although Din is already busy with his stupid map again, which he studies manically. You wonder what could even be mildly interesting about it. Sure, the ship needs a route and his way of earning money requires good planning, but you don't understand why he can't just do it another day, and why the two of you can't stay on this planet for a little while.
The city is big, there are many people who are looking for guys just like Din, and salt is cheap here. Once he has made a little more money and you can trade it on the black market for more of it, you might be able to sell it on Coruscant for a fortune. If those weren't good prospects.
"Alright, sweetheart…" he suddenly sneers, which prompts you to whirl around so suddenly your head spins.
"C'mere."
Lips parting in surprise, you don't react immediately, which makes Din sway his head to the side.
"You don't want to?"
"N-No, of course, I – Yes, I want to."
You smile brightly and move closer again, but once you're in reach, you realize that he hasn't specified what exactly he wants you to do, so you questioningly cock your eyebrows upward.
"Spread your legs. I'm gonna take care of you, but I still need you to be silent. Not quiet, silent."
As he tips his head toward the map, it hits you and you draw a deep breath.
"Yes, I – I can do it."
So he's going to touch you the way you crave it, but he's not going to give you his full attention. It's better than nothing, you find, and part your thighs like he has told you to.
"Spit in your palm," is his next command, harshly slipped past his lips so that it rather resembles a bark.
"Aren't you gonna…" you begin but bite onto your lip, watching his shoulders tense.
"Sweetheart… Do it. Or you're gonna have to take care of it yourself."
Okay, so you are playing with fire. Before that, you have been unsure whether you can permit yourself to get a tad more playful with him, hoping that his mood is going to brighten throughout the evening, but it seems like you're walking on glass around him tonight.
After Din has commanded you to open your pants, and you have obeyed his demand, you bring your spit to your pussy, smearing it all over your folds as best as you can while twisting your wrist like that. Only then does he take action for the first time.
"Come here," he snarls, keeping his eyes on the map but beckoning you closer with his hand. Once you do, he instantly finds the front of your pants as though the heat of your core has attracted his hand, and it has a magnetic effect on him.
He slips his fingers past the waistband silently, doesn't grunt or hum at the warmth of your cunt, doesn't inhale at the wetness coating your hole and doesn't praise you the way he normally does. Obviously, it's disappointing, but since Din still makes use of his talents, your brain is too distracted to get lost in your frustration.
"Ohh," you pant and immediately rock your hips against his hand, feeling the fat pad of his thumb press up against your clit. He circles the nub with such remarkable precision that you wonder how he manages to look at and understand the map, twist his hand in a way that must hurt, and find all the right spots at the same time.
But Din has always impressed you, and he continues to do so every single day you spend with him. The only thing bothering you is his silence, even though you pray that he might grow more vocal the longer he keeps his hand snug between your thighs.
"Din. Owww fuck. Yes…"
You place your elbow on the table, resting your cheek on your palm while he dives deeper to tap his middle finger against your hole. The fabric of your underwear is tight around his hand, giving him not much space to move, but by using some force, he is able to wander around your pussy effortlessly.
"Din. Din, fuck, yeah…" You probably look pathetic wincing and squirming in the chair like a madwoman, meanwhile your boyfriend couldn't have looked any more indifferent to the way you squeal and pant.
"Sweetheart…" he grumbles, sounding somewhere in the middle of annoyed and warning, but in your state of ecstasy you're unable to distinguish between the two.
"Please."
You don't know what you're asking for. Right now, for him to touch you where it burns, where your clit throbs until the tension is gone, but in the big picture, perhaps for him to give you more. Maybe to at least look at you while he fingers you so that you feel a bit more like he enjoys this too and doesn't just keep his hand between your legs to shut you up at last.
"F-Feels good," you stammer and place your hand over his wrist, rolling your hips in circles to meet his touch and show him where you most need him. Fuck, you wish he would at least acknowledge you and not utterly ignore what you have to say, no matter how brainless it may be. At least he huffs through his nose, though you can't tell whether he's referring to the big map in front of him or your relentless wriggling.
When he sinks two of his digits inside you, your toes curl and you can't help but stretch your legs away from you. You descend lower in the chair, arching your back, but Din just continues with his finger work as if he doesn't even notice any of your little reactions. Well, you can't be sure that he doesn't. He seems so focused on this map that you believe he might just be elsewhere with his thoughts, and his behavior isn't just a façade.
He's knuckles deep inside you now, gently scissoring you open while his thumb rolls around your stiff bundle of nerves. You have no idea how he does it blindly and from this angle, but to you there is no difference at all from how it feels normally. When you don't sit half behind him and his eyes aren't transfixed on his desk.
"Din…" you cry out and paw at his wrist, feeling the urge to drop your head to his arm to create more physical contact, but you're too scared that he will stop.
"Din, please."
He still shows no reaction. You could have slammed your brow on the surface of his table or scratched up your nails.
"Ohhh shit. Ah – Ah, fuck…"
He twists his fingers so delicately and perfectly that you involuntarily jerk, pressing your lips together to stay quiet before he's going to remind you to stay silent again. His thumb is so big and warm, much larger than your own, and it shows in the way he rubs tight circles over your clit. He touches you where it pulses uncomfortably, but at the same time, he doesn't overwhelm you. The pleasure always lingers right on the border of being too much, yet he never crosses it. You seriously don't know how he does it, if he just knows your body that well or if these are simply his instincts driving him to change the angle at the exact right time.
"Din," you choke out again, tugging at his hand to squeeze him closer against your core.
"Shh… I said quiet, sweetheart," he whispers. He probably thinks that his words are going to have an efficient effect on you, but what his voice does to you isn't something either of you could have possibly anticipated. His low, raspy tone sends shivers down your spine, your view blurring as you draw a heavy breath through your parted lips.
"Huh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, Din, fuck…"
His fingers hit you deeper, creating a steady rhythm against your cervix. He doesn't hurt you, nor does he lifelessly thrust them back and forth, but once more, seems to know where he needs to nudge his pads against.
From the corner of your eye, you see his left hand curl into a fist, which has previously moved the card around. You presume that it's a good sign, but his divine swipes across your pearl don't give you the time and concentration to analyze his behavior further.
You're just about to moan his name again, the syllables already bubbling in the back of your throat, when his touch is gone all of a sudden. It's only now that you realize your eyes are closed.
"N-No," you whine, blinking a few times when there are two hands on your waist, dragging you to your feet.
"Fuck it," Din groans, moves you over to the desk faster than you can process, and the next thing you feel are his massive hands opening your legs.
"You fucking know what you're doing… don't you?" he hisses darkly, cradling your face with his left hand while his right frees his cock from the restraints of his pants. You faintly feel satisfaction and arousal coil in your stomach, but you can't bring yourself to entirely taste the full extent. You feel too surprised, and your head is still spinning too fast from being hoisted to your feet so rapidly.
"You wanted this so badly, right? Wanted to distract me…"
Moving his left hand to your thigh, he trails the tip of his cock through your folds, gathering your wetness while you turn to jelly on top of the desk.
"I need you, Din…" Your hands loosely run up his armor that he has yet to take off. The surface has a cooling effect on your palms, still, you wish he were naked instead so that you can kiss him, feeling his muscles pulse under your flesh.
"I know you do. Didn't try to hide it, mhm?"
His cock enters you in one swift motion that causes your eyes to widen. You can't see it in his face, but based on the way he halts and rubs soothing patterns over your skin, you know that through his harsh demeanor your well-being is still his priority that outshines everything else. Even while he takes you roughly, and even while he's a little pissed at you for bringing chaos into his evening plans.
"That's it, sweetheart… Right there, mhm?"
You want to mewl as he connects his hand with your lower belly, gently pressing into your stomach.
"You're driving me fucking insane, do you know that?"
"I'm sorry…" you whisper and dip your head forward so that it can rest on his shoulder while he steadily drives his length in and out of you.
"I know you are… It's okay. You just can't help being a little slut for me sometimes. It's not your fault…"
You convulse at his words, lips agape and eyes half closed. His thumb on your clit, which you haven't even noticed to be there until now, presses into you harshly, building up more and more pressure until you shriek and jolt, which evokes deep panting in him.
"I know, baby…. I know. So responsive, isn't she?"
You paw at his strong arms, lips pursed as though you're mad at him for something, but in truth, you just want more of him. There is a hunger in your tummy that can never be slaked, no matter how many times he fucks his seed inside you.
"What is it, sweetheart, mhm? Are you mad at me for not taking proper care of you earlier?"
"N-No," you stutter shyly and glare down to where both his dick and his hand are working on you. You feel spoiled and finally taken care of, yet there's something missing and you can't make out what it is. Perhaps it's the many layers of clothing hiding him from you. There are so many that you don't even feel like starting to undo one button after the other because you know that by the time you're done, the two of you will probably have already reached your orgasms.
But when Din suddenly works two fingers inside your mouth, you flinch and feel your pussy clench around his manhood.
"There she is… Suck on them, baby. That's it, look at me."
You struggle to focus on so many things at once, staying still for him, twirling your tongue around his digits and keeping your eyelids open, which is why at times, you have to make compromises.
"No, baby… Eyes up here. C'mon, or I'm gonna have to stop."
You obey immediately, whimpering around his fingers, which earns you a light slap on your clit.
"Just suck on them… Suck on them like a good girl. You can do it. I know you can, princess."
The tears start to flow not soon after that, but Din is already used to the sight. You always cry at the smallest things, the stories that your boyfriend tells you about the criminals he has arrested, especially when it includes a separated parent and child, tales you read about in books, and even insignificant things such as a cute animal on the street. He knows that in 99% of the cases the salty drops coating your skin are not linked to discomfort but rather an intemperate longing to be with him, which is why he doesn't stop, though he slows down a tad, cradling your face in his palm.
"It's okay, baby… It's okay. I'm right here. And I'm gonna be here until you tell me to let go. Not any sooner than that."
You snivel, bringing your hands to the side of his helmet to yank him closer.
"It's okay…"
The top of his head is resting against yours, and although the feeling of the cold fabric couldn't have been further from his warm skin, you feel a special amount of intimacy while leaning against him like that.
"Do you wanna cum for me, sweetheart? I know that you're close… Can feel you clench around me. You can cum, baby, I'm right here."
"But I don't want it to stop…" you mutter against his fingers that are still stuffing your mouth full.
"But it has to stop at some point, baby. You need your rest."
"No I don't," you protest and give his digits a hard suck, hoping that it might cause other, darker desires in him. Some that involve your lips wrapped around his cock, perhaps.
"Yes, you do, princess."
"But you're gonna work on your stupid map all night. And I don't want that."
Your lips are forming a pout now, more tears stinging in the corner of your eyes, and this time, Din can't be certain that these are just a result of being doused with love and yearning. Therefore, he stops his thrusts, although he remains buried inside you, his thumb hovering an inch over your hard clit.
"Okay, hon, I promise I'm not gonna work on the map tonight. Not until you fall asleep."
"And after that?"
Fuck, you're smart. Sometimes he forgets how smart, especially when you give him your pretty doe eyes and wide, blissful smile.
"I might work on it after you've fallen asleep. But you're not gonna notice any of that, baby, I promise. You're gonna be sound asleep, I'm just gonna be away for a little while and then come back to bed. I'll hold you until you've dozed off."
He removes his hand from your mouth to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear lovingly, then brushes his knuckles over your cheekbone.
"No. Then I won't cum," you hiss, brows drawn together.
Din is so close to snapping at you that he has to take a beat to inhale. He's lucky you can't see his facial responses because he's sure that the lines around his eyes and mouth are hard and stern, a view that might either upset you further or prompt a new wave of tears to cascade upon you. None of those options were very desirable to him at the moment.
"Sweetheart…"
"No. I will only cum if you promise me you won't work on the stupid map today. I wanna be with you, Din… Please. You've been away all day, and I – I just missed you so much. You always work, and you – you're busy and – and stressed."
There are a thousand explanations and justifications suffusing his brain, but he knows that none of them are going to calm you, let alone satisfy you. You're not in the right state of mind to be reassured by reason but by the patience and steadiness he wears like a second skin.
Another glance at your quivering lips, as well as the way you grip his shoulders, tells him all he needs to know. This isn't going to work the way he wants it to, and if he wants to fall asleep peacefully later, there is no way around giving in.
Screw it. The two of you can stay on this planet another day. The delay is worth preserving the peace, especially because he knows how bratty and stubborn you can get once you've worked yourself into a frenzy.
"Okay, baby, I promise. I won't touch the map again tonight. I promise you, I'm gonna cuddle you to sleep, and then I'm gonna stay with you. How does that sound, mhm?"
Finally, your face lights up, and he can spot brief surprise around your pupils.
"Yes, please… Yes, I want that."
He can't help the way his lips tilt upward, peace settling in his stomach just like it surely does in yours. If this isn't worth maintaining the balance, it's definitely worth regarding the joy etched into your features. How could he have possibly forgotten that?
"Okay, baby… Then cum for me. It's okay..."
After giving you a few more slow rubs around your bundle of nerves as well as gentle nudges against your g-spot, you unravel for him, just like he intended.
Part of him guesses that he could have made you climax anyway, and that you don't really possess the willpower to resist the urge to control your body as you claimed, but everything is easier like that. You surely would have thrown a tantrum, being driven over the edge by his nimble fingers without settling your deal with him first.
The second you reach your high, you collapse on the desk like a sack of potatoes, which is why you don't even realize or complain about the fact that Din hasn't spilled his seed inside you. Instead, you almost instantly fall asleep on the spot, so if it weren't for his arms slinging around your back, you might have hit your head on the hard surface.
"Shhh…" he coos in your ear and holds you up against his chest, listening to your breathing.
Fuck, you really are adorable like that, all hot-tempered and stubborn until his feather-light touch on your clit puts you into a coma-like kind of state.
He carefully pulls his cock out of you, tucks himself in, and then pulls your pants up your legs. His dick is still rock hard and strains under the confines of his underwear, but that's an issue he's going to take care of later. Or more likely, in the morning.
Before he can even consider taking any action to solve his problem, he carries you to bed, lying you down on your back and covering you with the blanket. The idea of leaving you to get some more work done flares in his head for a very quick moment before he discards it and takes his place to your left.
No, a promise is a promise. Even when you would never find out the truth. Besides, he suddenly doesn't feel like being alone in the dark, cold room anymore at all. He would much rather rest as well, being snuggled up against your warm body and feeling you pressed up against his front.
There is his straining dick in his pants, of course… Maybe it was a mistake not cumming inside you, but he was too focused on bringing you there safely and holding you through the aftermath, so his personal pleasure has been pushed to the margins.
Tomorrow, he thinks, possessively sprawling his hand out on top of your stomach.
Fuck, you're so incredibly warm and supple, the ground below Din shifts, and the following thoughts slip away before he is able to catch them.
Din comes back after a long, exhausting day and feels too tense to give you any attention. So you make it your mission to be impossible to ignore.
Contains: smut, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, praise kink, dom!din, brat-ish reader, dirty talk, pet names (baby, sweetheart, princess, babygirl), dom/sub dynamic, slight power imbalance, light degradation, fingers in mouth, mentions of violence (non-graphic), reader is needy & desperate, soft aftercare, established relationship, no use of y/n
Wordcount: 4,771
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Din practically rushes into the Razor Crest that day, his heavy boots dragging across the floor in a way that makes you sharpen your senses.
"Din?" you shout over your shoulder and rise to your feet to welcome him.
"Don't ask…" is the first thing he barks in your direction, plopping into a chair while you raise your eyebrows in concern.
"Are you alright?"
He only went out to do some miserably paid job for a smuggler today, so you didn't expect him to be that exhausted when he came back.
"Yeah. It was just… a fucking mess. The guy… I shouldn't've trusted him. He made it sound like it was just one guy who barely had any guards with him, but guess what… Had a whole fucking army."
"I'm sorry, Din…" you whisper and take his hand, which he quickly pushes away.
"It's fine. I just gotta calm down. Jesus… I should never work for smugglers again. They just rip you off."
"Can I do something for you?" you ask and sit down as well, crossing your legs while your boyfriend reaches for the map that's spread across the desk.
"No. I just… I'm just gonna focus on this. It's gonna distract me. I'm serious, I'm fine. Just – angry."
"Yeah, but I could help you too. Distract you… you know?"
You mischievously lift the corner of your mouth, but unfortunately it doesn't have the desired effect on Din. He just tilts his head to the side, the blinking red lights of the defense installation reflecting in his visor.
"It's fine. You don't have to."
"I want to, Din, really, I – "
He cuts you off by raising his hand, then points to the map in front of him.
"I said it's fine. Just… I don't know, go to bed. I'm okay."
Although you respect his wishes, you stay with him, hoping that your breathing isn't going to bother him and stress him more than he already is. Fortunately, he doesn't complain about your mere presence, though you feel frustrated regardless. On a normal day, he probably would have already swiped this stupid map off the desk and fucked your lights out. He claims he's alright, but he doesn't act that way, which irritates you.
"How was your day?" he asks after half an hour, lifting his gaze from the map for the very first time. You jump at the sound of his voice, eyes big as they take in his hands that are bare by now. Good, at last a first sign of calm nerves.
"Okay. I fixed the cooling system."
"Good," he wheezes and glares back down while you try to figure out what to make of this interaction. With his helmet on and even his voice distorted, it's always hard to read him. And then, this is just his personality. Not talking a lot, especially not about his emotions. Telling you to back off when you're positive he needs you most. But how are you supposed to help him when your priority is respecting his boundaries and avoiding annoying him further?
"Din?"
"Mhm?" he snorts and doesn't move a muscle.
"You have a wound on your wrist."
He twists his left hand, then stares at you. "It's nothing."
"Let me take care of it. Please." You add that little word because you know what it does to him. In addition to the plea you put into your voice, you have a good feeling about convincing him to grant you that freedom in no time…
"Fine. But it's not necessary. It's just a small cut."
You pretend you don't even hear him as you walk over to a cupboard where your medications are stored. He is right, it's really nothing more than a small wound that doesn't require any special attention, but on a day like that, you seize any opportunity to get closer to him, physically as well as spiritually.
"How did it happen?" you ask while you sit back down, shifting closer to him to take a look at the crust.
"I don't even remember…" Din sighs but offers you his arm willingly.
"Does it hurt?"
"No."
You smile and then lean in to kiss his helmet like you usually always do when he returns. You haven't done it tonight, and you have felt the consequences strain on your shoulders. He doesn't jerk back or protest, which causes relief to bubble in your stomach. When his hand roams up your back, briefly brushing against the fabric of your shirt, your lips curl and you start to think that everything might just be alright in a matter of seconds. Perhaps after you have cleaned the wound…
"I'm gonna go after this motherfucker, by the way. He owes me after this mission. He basically paid me nothing. At least compared to the shit that I did for him."
He forms a fist with his right hand, which gives you a great view of the massive size of his palm, his beautiful bulging veins. Fuck, you really haven't picked a good day to be so horny given that Din seems entirely elsewhere with his thoughts today. The only question standing in the room is whether or not he's going to remember the desire he normally feels for you after a long day.
"Are you gonna do that tomorrow?" you ask carefully while applying some disinfectant to the wound. He sharply inhales through his teeth but doesn't stop you.
"Probably. Depends on if he's still in his shithole or has fled the planet. We'll see."
"What are you doing with the map?" you want to know next and put the bottle back down as you're finished with the simple task.
"Just figuring out our route. Thanks… Can't be too safe with those cuts…"
You smile faintly and sit down, though you have no intention of ending the conversation you're holding with your boyfriend.
"Din?"
"What?"
You let a second pass before you grab his hand and slowly bring it to your face. Slowly, so that you can see his posture shift in real time.
"Sweetheart…" Din grunts, his fingers curling against your cheek just a tad.
"Please…?" you mutter and put all the despair and hope in your lingering gaze.
"Please what?"
"Please be with me… I need you." You hope that he knows in what way you need to be with him without having to spell it out. However, his body doesn't tell you if he knows what exactly you have in mind.
"Baby, I need to finish this stuff."
"But can't you do it tomorrow?"
At that point, the misery and pathetic yearning in your tone are of no concern to you. You know Din well enough to be comfortable wearing your feelings on your sleeve and telling him just how desperate you are for an ounce of his attention.
"I gotta know where to fly us, don't I?" he groans, gently pulling his hand away from your face, which causes your shoulders to slump.
"Please. I missed you all day."
"Babygirl, you know that I wanna make you feel good, but I can't do it right now. I got work to do."
"And would you let me? Make you feel good?"
Hope briefly flickers in your eyes, but then it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. Din shakes his head slowly and determinedly places your hand, which has awkwardly hovered in the air, in your lap.
"Just go to bed. You need your rest, sweetheart. And I have to focus, I can't be distracted from this, alright?"
Your lips involuntarily pucker, round eyes setting on his visor where a few inches below he's hopefully feeling a small amount of pity for you right now.
"But can I stay in here at least?" you breathe, finger twitching in his direction before you remember how cruelly he has just shoved your hand into your own lap. Instead of his, goddamnit.
"Okay. But please be quiet, baby, okay? We can cuddle later. But not now."
You nod weakly, although Din is already busy with his stupid map again, which he studies manically. You wonder what could even be mildly interesting about it. Sure, the ship needs a route and his way of earning money requires good planning, but you don't understand why he can't just do it another day, and why the two of you can't stay on this planet for a little while.
The city is big, there are many people who are looking for guys just like Din, and salt is cheap here. Once he has made a little more money and you can trade it on the black market for more of it, you might be able to sell it on Coruscant for a fortune. If those weren't good prospects.
"Alright, sweetheart…" he suddenly sneers, which prompts you to whirl around so suddenly your head spins.
"C'mere."
Lips parting in surprise, you don't react immediately, which makes Din sway his head to the side.
"You don't want to?"
"N-No, of course, I – Yes, I want to."
You smile brightly and move closer again, but once you're in reach, you realize that he hasn't specified what exactly he wants you to do, so you questioningly cock your eyebrows upward.
"Spread your legs. I'm gonna take care of you, but I still need you to be silent. Not quiet, silent."
As he tips his head toward the map, it hits you and you draw a deep breath.
"Yes, I – I can do it."
So he's going to touch you the way you crave it, but he's not going to give you his full attention. It's better than nothing, you find, and part your thighs like he has told you to.
"Spit in your palm," is his next command, harshly slipped past his lips so that it rather resembles a bark.
"Aren't you gonna…" you begin but bite onto your lip, watching his shoulders tense.
"Sweetheart… Do it. Or you're gonna have to take care of it yourself."
Okay, so you are playing with fire. Before that, you have been unsure whether you can permit yourself to get a tad more playful with him, hoping that his mood is going to brighten throughout the evening, but it seems like you're walking on glass around him tonight.
After Din has commanded you to open your pants, and you have obeyed his demand, you bring your spit to your pussy, smearing it all over your folds as best as you can while twisting your wrist like that. Only then does he take action for the first time.
"Come here," he snarls, keeping his eyes on the map but beckoning you closer with his hand. Once you do, he instantly finds the front of your pants as though the heat of your core has attracted his hand, and it has a magnetic effect on him.
He slips his fingers past the waistband silently, doesn't grunt or hum at the warmth of your cunt, doesn't inhale at the wetness coating your hole and doesn't praise you the way he normally does. Obviously, it's disappointing, but since Din still makes use of his talents, your brain is too distracted to get lost in your frustration.
"Ohh," you pant and immediately rock your hips against his hand, feeling the fat pad of his thumb press up against your clit. He circles the nub with such remarkable precision that you wonder how he manages to look at and understand the map, twist his hand in a way that must hurt, and find all the right spots at the same time.
But Din has always impressed you, and he continues to do so every single day you spend with him. The only thing bothering you is his silence, even though you pray that he might grow more vocal the longer he keeps his hand snug between your thighs.
"Din. Owww fuck. Yes…"
You place your elbow on the table, resting your cheek on your palm while he dives deeper to tap his middle finger against your hole. The fabric of your underwear is tight around his hand, giving him not much space to move, but by using some force, he is able to wander around your pussy effortlessly.
"Din. Din, fuck, yeah…" You probably look pathetic wincing and squirming in the chair like a madwoman, meanwhile your boyfriend couldn't have looked any more indifferent to the way you squeal and pant.
"Sweetheart…" he grumbles, sounding somewhere in the middle of annoyed and warning, but in your state of ecstasy you're unable to distinguish between the two.
"Please."
You don't know what you're asking for. Right now, for him to touch you where it burns, where your clit throbs until the tension is gone, but in the big picture, perhaps for him to give you more. Maybe to at least look at you while he fingers you so that you feel a bit more like he enjoys this too and doesn't just keep his hand between your legs to shut you up at last.
"F-Feels good," you stammer and place your hand over his wrist, rolling your hips in circles to meet his touch and show him where you most need him. Fuck, you wish he would at least acknowledge you and not utterly ignore what you have to say, no matter how brainless it may be. At least he huffs through his nose, though you can't tell whether he's referring to the big map in front of him or your relentless wriggling.
When he sinks two of his digits inside you, your toes curl and you can't help but stretch your legs away from you. You descend lower in the chair, arching your back, but Din just continues with his finger work as if he doesn't even notice any of your little reactions. Well, you can't be sure that he doesn't. He seems so focused on this map that you believe he might just be elsewhere with his thoughts, and his behavior isn't just a façade.
He's knuckles deep inside you now, gently scissoring you open while his thumb rolls around your stiff bundle of nerves. You have no idea how he does it blindly and from this angle, but to you there is no difference at all from how it feels normally. When you don't sit half behind him and his eyes aren't transfixed on his desk.
"Din…" you cry out and paw at his wrist, feeling the urge to drop your head to his arm to create more physical contact, but you're too scared that he will stop.
"Din, please."
He still shows no reaction. You could have slammed your brow on the surface of his table or scratched up your nails.
"Ohhh shit. Ah – Ah, fuck…"
He twists his fingers so delicately and perfectly that you involuntarily jerk, pressing your lips together to stay quiet before he's going to remind you to stay silent again. His thumb is so big and warm, much larger than your own, and it shows in the way he rubs tight circles over your clit. He touches you where it pulses uncomfortably, but at the same time, he doesn't overwhelm you. The pleasure always lingers right on the border of being too much, yet he never crosses it. You seriously don't know how he does it, if he just knows your body that well or if these are simply his instincts driving him to change the angle at the exact right time.
"Din," you choke out again, tugging at his hand to squeeze him closer against your core.
"Shh… I said quiet, sweetheart," he whispers. He probably thinks that his words are going to have an efficient effect on you, but what his voice does to you isn't something either of you could have possibly anticipated. His low, raspy tone sends shivers down your spine, your view blurring as you draw a heavy breath through your parted lips.
"Huh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck, Din, fuck…"
His fingers hit you deeper, creating a steady rhythm against your cervix. He doesn't hurt you, nor does he lifelessly thrust them back and forth, but once more, seems to know where he needs to nudge his pads against.
From the corner of your eye, you see his left hand curl into a fist, which has previously moved the card around. You presume that it's a good sign, but his divine swipes across your pearl don't give you the time and concentration to analyze his behavior further.
You're just about to moan his name again, the syllables already bubbling in the back of your throat, when his touch is gone all of a sudden. It's only now that you realize your eyes are closed.
"N-No," you whine, blinking a few times when there are two hands on your waist, dragging you to your feet.
"Fuck it," Din groans, moves you over to the desk faster than you can process, and the next thing you feel are his massive hands opening your legs.
"You fucking know what you're doing… don't you?" he hisses darkly, cradling your face with his left hand while his right frees his cock from the restraints of his pants. You faintly feel satisfaction and arousal coil in your stomach, but you can't bring yourself to entirely taste the full extent. You feel too surprised, and your head is still spinning too fast from being hoisted to your feet so rapidly.
"You wanted this so badly, right? Wanted to distract me…"
Moving his left hand to your thigh, he trails the tip of his cock through your folds, gathering your wetness while you turn to jelly on top of the desk.
"I need you, Din…" Your hands loosely run up his armor that he has yet to take off. The surface has a cooling effect on your palms, still, you wish he were naked instead so that you can kiss him, feeling his muscles pulse under your flesh.
"I know you do. Didn't try to hide it, mhm?"
His cock enters you in one swift motion that causes your eyes to widen. You can't see it in his face, but based on the way he halts and rubs soothing patterns over your skin, you know that through his harsh demeanor your well-being is still his priority that outshines everything else. Even while he takes you roughly, and even while he's a little pissed at you for bringing chaos into his evening plans.
"That's it, sweetheart… Right there, mhm?"
You want to mewl as he connects his hand with your lower belly, gently pressing into your stomach.
"You're driving me fucking insane, do you know that?"
"I'm sorry…" you whisper and dip your head forward so that it can rest on his shoulder while he steadily drives his length in and out of you.
"I know you are… It's okay. You just can't help being a little slut for me sometimes. It's not your fault…"
You convulse at his words, lips agape and eyes half closed. His thumb on your clit, which you haven't even noticed to be there until now, presses into you harshly, building up more and more pressure until you shriek and jolt, which evokes deep panting in him.
"I know, baby…. I know. So responsive, isn't she?"
You paw at his strong arms, lips pursed as though you're mad at him for something, but in truth, you just want more of him. There is a hunger in your tummy that can never be slaked, no matter how many times he fucks his seed inside you.
"What is it, sweetheart, mhm? Are you mad at me for not taking proper care of you earlier?"
"N-No," you stutter shyly and glare down to where both his dick and his hand are working on you. You feel spoiled and finally taken care of, yet there's something missing and you can't make out what it is. Perhaps it's the many layers of clothing hiding him from you. There are so many that you don't even feel like starting to undo one button after the other because you know that by the time you're done, the two of you will probably have already reached your orgasms.
But when Din suddenly works two fingers inside your mouth, you flinch and feel your pussy clench around his manhood.
"There she is… Suck on them, baby. That's it, look at me."
You struggle to focus on so many things at once, staying still for him, twirling your tongue around his digits and keeping your eyelids open, which is why at times, you have to make compromises.
"No, baby… Eyes up here. C'mon, or I'm gonna have to stop."
You obey immediately, whimpering around his fingers, which earns you a light slap on your clit.
"Just suck on them… Suck on them like a good girl. You can do it. I know you can, princess."
The tears start to flow not soon after that, but Din is already used to the sight. You always cry at the smallest things, the stories that your boyfriend tells you about the criminals he has arrested, especially when it includes a separated parent and child, tales you read about in books, and even insignificant things such as a cute animal on the street. He knows that in 99% of the cases the salty drops coating your skin are not linked to discomfort but rather an intemperate longing to be with him, which is why he doesn't stop, though he slows down a tad, cradling your face in his palm.
"It's okay, baby… It's okay. I'm right here. And I'm gonna be here until you tell me to let go. Not any sooner than that."
You snivel, bringing your hands to the side of his helmet to yank him closer.
"It's okay…"
The top of his head is resting against yours, and although the feeling of the cold fabric couldn't have been further from his warm skin, you feel a special amount of intimacy while leaning against him like that.
"Do you wanna cum for me, sweetheart? I know that you're close… Can feel you clench around me. You can cum, baby, I'm right here."
"But I don't want it to stop…" you mutter against his fingers that are still stuffing your mouth full.
"But it has to stop at some point, baby. You need your rest."
"No I don't," you protest and give his digits a hard suck, hoping that it might cause other, darker desires in him. Some that involve your lips wrapped around his cock, perhaps.
"Yes, you do, princess."
"But you're gonna work on your stupid map all night. And I don't want that."
Your lips are forming a pout now, more tears stinging in the corner of your eyes, and this time, Din can't be certain that these are just a result of being doused with love and yearning. Therefore, he stops his thrusts, although he remains buried inside you, his thumb hovering an inch over your hard clit.
"Okay, hon, I promise I'm not gonna work on the map tonight. Not until you fall asleep."
"And after that?"
Fuck, you're smart. Sometimes he forgets how smart, especially when you give him your pretty doe eyes and wide, blissful smile.
"I might work on it after you've fallen asleep. But you're not gonna notice any of that, baby, I promise. You're gonna be sound asleep, I'm just gonna be away for a little while and then come back to bed. I'll hold you until you've dozed off."
He removes his hand from your mouth to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear lovingly, then brushes his knuckles over your cheekbone.
"No. Then I won't cum," you hiss, brows drawn together.
Din is so close to snapping at you that he has to take a beat to inhale. He's lucky you can't see his facial responses because he's sure that the lines around his eyes and mouth are hard and stern, a view that might either upset you further or prompt a new wave of tears to cascade upon you. None of those options were very desirable to him at the moment.
"Sweetheart…"
"No. I will only cum if you promise me you won't work on the stupid map today. I wanna be with you, Din… Please. You've been away all day, and I – I just missed you so much. You always work, and you – you're busy and – and stressed."
There are a thousand explanations and justifications suffusing his brain, but he knows that none of them are going to calm you, let alone satisfy you. You're not in the right state of mind to be reassured by reason but by the patience and steadiness he wears like a second skin.
Another glance at your quivering lips, as well as the way you grip his shoulders, tells him all he needs to know. This isn't going to work the way he wants it to, and if he wants to fall asleep peacefully later, there is no way around giving in.
Screw it. The two of you can stay on this planet another day. The delay is worth preserving the peace, especially because he knows how bratty and stubborn you can get once you've worked yourself into a frenzy.
"Okay, baby, I promise. I won't touch the map again tonight. I promise you, I'm gonna cuddle you to sleep, and then I'm gonna stay with you. How does that sound, mhm?"
Finally, your face lights up, and he can spot brief surprise around your pupils.
"Yes, please… Yes, I want that."
He can't help the way his lips tilt upward, peace settling in his stomach just like it surely does in yours. If this isn't worth maintaining the balance, it's definitely worth regarding the joy etched into your features. How could he have possibly forgotten that?
"Okay, baby… Then cum for me. It's okay..."
After giving you a few more slow rubs around your bundle of nerves as well as gentle nudges against your g-spot, you unravel for him, just like he intended.
Part of him guesses that he could have made you climax anyway, and that you don't really possess the willpower to resist the urge to control your body as you claimed, but everything is easier like that. You surely would have thrown a tantrum, being driven over the edge by his nimble fingers without settling your deal with him first.
The second you reach your high, you collapse on the desk like a sack of potatoes, which is why you don't even realize or complain about the fact that Din hasn't spilled his seed inside you. Instead, you almost instantly fall asleep on the spot, so if it weren't for his arms slinging around your back, you might have hit your head on the hard surface.
"Shhh…" he coos in your ear and holds you up against his chest, listening to your breathing.
Fuck, you really are adorable like that, all hot-tempered and stubborn until his feather-light touch on your clit puts you into a coma-like kind of state.
He carefully pulls his cock out of you, tucks himself in, and then pulls your pants up your legs. His dick is still rock hard and strains under the confines of his underwear, but that's an issue he's going to take care of later. Or more likely, in the morning.
Before he can even consider taking any action to solve his problem, he carries you to bed, lying you down on your back and covering you with the blanket. The idea of leaving you to get some more work done flares in his head for a very quick moment before he discards it and takes his place to your left.
No, a promise is a promise. Even when you would never find out the truth. Besides, he suddenly doesn't feel like being alone in the dark, cold room anymore at all. He would much rather rest as well, being snuggled up against your warm body and feeling you pressed up against his front.
There is his straining dick in his pants, of course… Maybe it was a mistake not cumming inside you, but he was too focused on bringing you there safely and holding you through the aftermath, so his personal pleasure has been pushed to the margins.
Tomorrow, he thinks, possessively sprawling his hand out on top of your stomach.
Fuck, you're so incredibly warm and supple, the ground below Din shifts, and the following thoughts slip away before he is able to catch them.
Contains: age gap, power imbalance, hurt, angst, kissing, making out, guilt, regret, comfort, mentions of alcohol, crying
Wordcount: 7,605
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
"Joel…"
For an instant, he considered ignoring her. Just keeping his lids closed, waiting for her to believe that he was already asleep.
"Joel? Are you still awake?"
His teeth ground forcefully. There was surely a muscle flinching in his jaw, but he doubted that Amy could see it in the dark.
"Joel."
"What?" He sighed and wasn't able to explain to himself why he had bothered to answer her rather than following his initial plan.
"My arm's itchy."
"Don't scratch it, goddamnit," he barked into the darkness.
"Okay."
"Is that what you woke me up for?"
"You weren't asleep yet… right?"
He clenched his teeth even firmer and wouldn't be surprised if he heard a tooth crack.
"Go to sleep."
"I tried. But I can't fall asleep yet."
"Then count sheep," he grunted indignantly and turned to his other side, hoping the message was clear.
"Can I ask you something?"
God, he could have strangled her.
"You're already askin'."
"What do you think is gonna happen after we meet the fireflies?"
His tense features slackened a little at that, his eyes losing their sharpness. He hadn't guessed that Amy was already thinking that far ahead, as they still had a lot of country to cross before they would even be anywhere close to his brother. And that much space meant countless more infected, raiders, and every other possible threat there was.
Obviously, he would never tell Amy that, but it wasn't rare that he wasn't even certain whether they would find the fireflies. They were a resistance group that had been secretly formed under the watchful eyes of FEDRA. No matter if Joel liked them or not, they were trained when it came to hiding.
"Well," he muttered, turning onto his back and folding his hands over his stomach. "They're probably gonna run a couple tests. Take your blood? I don't know how this shit works, why haven't you asked Marlene all that?"
"No…" Amy whispered and shifted onto her side so that she could directly peer at Joel, or however much she could see in the dimly lit area. "I meant after that. After all of that."
"Well, you can go back to doing what you did before. That store you worked in. If that cure's gonna work, things might change in the world. But you're gonna figure it out."
He didn't tell her how little he deemed the chances of the fireflies actually being right about this. He didn't tell her that the next year, the year after that, and the year after that were probably going to start exactly like this one had. With a fucked-up, corrupt government and people who starved to death everywhere in the world.
"I don't think I ever wanna go back there," Amy scoffed, which caused Joel to lift an eyebrow.
"No? Why not?"
"I just… I worked there because they needed someone and it wasn't far from my home. I went to FEDRA school. And after that I just wanted to get a job so that I could feed myself. I never – I didn't see any prospects for myself. I didn't even think about life outside the QZ. When you grow up in FEDRA school they make sure your horizon is small. But now that I'm outside… I can go anywhere I want. I can even go to another continent."
Joel snorted, he couldn't help it. She sounded so hopeful, so excited about something he had never before considered.
"You wanna go to another continent? Wanna do some sightseeing in Europe? I guess it's as bad there as it is here."
No, actually, he knew that it was just as bad. But he didn't have the heart to state this as a fact. Amy had been four when the outbreak happened, so she naturally couldn't remember anything about the images in the news about cities like Paris and London that were just as chaotic and swamped with infected as the ones in the US.
"But maybe not when they have a cure. I know, I know… it would all take so much time for everybody to get medicine, but – just think about it in a few years. If this works. Where would you go?"
He took a deep breath and briefly contemplated her question. He had forgotten all about trying to get her to shut up and fall asleep without noticing he'd done so.
"I'd go back to Texas, I guess."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy wheezed, but didn't sound genuinely upset. "From all the places in the world? You choose Texas?"
"Well, I know what it's like there. I know my way around the cities."
"Isn't that the point?" she laughed and propped herself up on her elbow to have a better view of him.
His pupils flitted, glaring at her from the corner of his eyes, but he avoided moving his body as well. No, he didn't have to end the day by taking another generous look at her and having her face, her silky hair haunt him in his dreams.
"What is?"
"To go somewhere where you don't know everything. Somewhere you've never been to before."
"Well, I've been to a lot of places before," Joel lied and scrunched up his nose. He didn't know why he was even lying, but perhaps her eagerness about seeing as much as possible in this world made him self-conscious about spending so much of his life in the same place. Well, what could be expected of someone who had become a parent so early in his life? Amy just didn't know that part of his history, and he had no desire to change that.
"Where? Have you been to Asia before?"
He swore that if his view had been slightly better, he would have seen her eyes glowing in the dark.
"No. But I know where I would go."
"Where?"
He hated how keen and joyful Amy sounded but couldn't say why. It was just… confusing. Everything about her was confusing, but his own responses, his own emotions were even worse. Sometimes, thoughts flickered in his head that had no reason to be there, not to mention those desires that made a little more sense but still were not supposed to torment his mind.
"Ireland."
"Ireland?" Amy repeated, and Joel couldn't say if she was trying to ensure she had heard him right or was surprised by his reply.
"Yeah."
"Why Ireland?"
Joel exhaled heavily, a soft smile lingering on his lips, which he was glad Amy couldn't see from her vantage point.
"'Cause there's a lot of quietness. Just meadows and sheep."
"Are you serious? We're out here in the middle of fucking nowhere and you dream of meadows? Is this not enough for you?"
"Well, you asked me," he huffed, chewing on his bottom lip.
There wasn't much more exchanged between the two of them that night. A little later, when the silence had settled again, Joel thought that he maybe should have asked Amy as well what her answer was, but now it was too late for it.
He guessed it would definitely be a place in the south.
Maybe Australia or South America. Or Asia. Maybe he would find out one day, maybe not.
The next morning, Joel and Amy woke up at roughly the same time, the sun just a little bit above the horizon. It was a beautiful sunrise, one that made even him pause while he brewed some coffee.
Amy was just rubbing her tired eyes, but crawled in his direction, either attracted by the scent or the golden scenery.
"Wow," she breathed, eyes glued to the sky, which told him all he needed to know. Amy smiled blissfully, then sat down next to him, coming off so mesmerized by the sight that she barely noticed any other details around her.
In fact, she was so distracted that Joel questioned whether she had sat down so close to him on purpose. He tried to move away subtly, shifting his hips a little while he reached for his thermos cup, but everything about it felt awkward and clumsy. At least Amy didn't seem to notice any of it, as she just whistled through her teeth, lips curled at the remarkable view.
"It's so beautiful. I've never seen sunrises like that in the QZ…"
Overall, her mood seemed amazing today and only brightened when Joel handed her a cup of coffee, which she grabbed with a broad grin.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he grunted, not feeling too down either, but unlike her, he didn't feel the urge to let everyone in the world know that his temper was relatively at ease.
After they had packed up their belongings, Joel let his gaze travel across the little clearing one last time to scan the area for any items they might have missed against the forest soil, but Joel couldn't spot anything, so he gave Amy a faint nod.
"Alright…"
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowering his head while he turned around, but then his gaze caught on the straps of her backpack.
"Wait," he called out, watching her come to a pause, her brow furrowed with confusion.
"What is it?"
"Your bag. You gotta fix your straps."
"What about them?" Amy asked and glanced down at her body, then up at him again. Approaching her, Joel pointed toward her shoulders.
"They're twisted. And you gotta be careful, they're tangled with your hair. Just try to loosen your hair and then turn the straps."
Joel pulled his hands out of his pockets again to rest one casually against a tree.
"It's kinda impossible with one hand…" Amy complained, and helplessly tugged at her hair, which caused her to hiss out in pain.
"Ow, fuck…"
"Oh Jesus…" Joel snarled but then closed the distance and decided to take care of it. Right, he had forgotten about her injury, even though he had asked about the state of her arm in the morning right after he had woken up.
"Okay, hold still."
She was so close, Joel felt her eyes bore holes into his face. Why was she looking at him so intensely instead of glaring down at the ground? His fingers felt a little shaky when he tried to loosen her strands around the straps without hurting her, but he couldn't precisely tell what exactly had triggered his nervousness. Her eyes, her proximity in general, her collarbone right below his touch. Without having so much as touched her hand before, Joel just knew that her skin would be the warmest, softest texture in the world. Because she just carried that warmth, that natural mellowness.
"Oww," Amy complained and jerked slightly, making his jaw tauten.
"Hold still, goddamnit."
"I can't if you pull on my hair like that."
He refrained from another comment, even though his brow creased at her impatience. Wasn't he helping her? And still, she was treating him like he vexed her on purpose.
"There we go…" Joel whispered and moved a few strands of her hair back over her shoulder so that they wouldn't bother her anymore today.
As her hair fell past her shoulder blades, he realized that there were some loose strands that he had probably torn out by accident. Amy didn't have to know about that detail, though. It would only upset her.
"Are you done?" she whispered so quietly, her tone so soft and intimate, Joel's breath hitched in his throat. His knees felt like jelly, and his swimming head lost track of any train of thought he had while bringing the straps of her backpack into order again.
"Just a second…. M'fixin' the straps." His voice was low as well, adjusted to her tone, which there was no need for, he realized.
Shit, she really was close to him. Until now, Joel had focused on his work on her hair, but as he briefly let his eyes meander over her features, her lips parted in a thin strip, he noticed how he would be able to close the distance between the two of them just by dipping his head a little lower. He could kiss her hairline in no time, smell her hair, her tender skin, and inhale her like she was his favorite perfume.
"Joel."
Fuck, he hadn't realized how intently he had watched her for the past few seconds. His gaze dropped lower again, her big eyes and the glint in her pupils only a memory now, even though he was sure she still looked at him the same. And her voice, for fuck's sake…
Joel was nearly a hundred percent certain that she was doing this consciously. Or she happened to have very poor self-control. Whatever it was, even if Amy had lost her fucking mind and his name had slipped past her lips so sweetly because she had felt something in that moment, it still didn't make it right.
"I'm done," Joel growled suddenly and took a large step back like he had just gotten electroshocked by the grip of her bag. Amy didn't respond at once and just stared into space as though she was floating in a hazy bubble, unaware that the moment was over. That Joel had withdrawn already.
"Let's go."
He coughed a couple of times to mask his nervousness, his hands back in the depths of his pockets to prevent himself from reaching out to her again.
What had he been thinking? The fact that his body showed strange signs of tension around her shouldn't be any news to him, and yet he was bewildered all over again by the way his heart had started galloping in his chest and he had broken into a sweat like the two of them were visiting a sauna rather than hiking through woods that, in fact, did a pretty good job of hiding the sun from them.
All of this, Amy's proximity, the way she looked at him, was bad for him. His mind, which couldn't concentrate on this journey any longer, his body, which felt so sluggish and weak that he wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed one day, and his heart, which seemed to sting a little every time he glanced at her.
And… weirdly, also when he turned away from her.
Amy
Around noon, Joel and Amy stumbled upon a little cabin in the forest, which reminded her of a photo she owned.
It depicted her parents on their first vacation, when they had been about her age. A young couple, beautiful as Amy found them, standing next to each other knee-deep in the snow with a wooden cabin like the one her gaze rested upon right now behind them. She told Joel about the similarities, but he hadn't had much more to add than a snort and a coarse "This one's probably filled with infected 'n' rats."
"Wait, we're not gonna go in?" It turned out that Joel hadn't planned on browsing the little cabin, which Amy had refused to accept.
She had folded her hands as if to pray, had given Joel her biggest puppy eyes, and promised him that she would do as he said and not wander around.
Of course it had worked wonders, and Joel had decided that since they had made such good progress today, a few minutes inside the cabin wouldn't set them back massively.
To say that Amy had been disillusioned once she had stepped past the door frame would be an understatement. At least Joel had been wrong about the place being crammed with infected, but apart from that, he had been right.
There were rats, broken glass all over the floor, lots of garbage, weird scents, and water puddles in the bathroom. There wasn't even any toilet paper they could steal.
Amy dropped her shoulders, her features emitting disappointment, whereas Joel looked victorious and a little smug. She was just about to admit that she had made a mistake wanting to explore the cabin that had seemed so promising from outside when her attention fell on a small cupboard behind the door.
Quickly, before Joel could stop her in case that was his intention, she crossed the area in a few large steps and knelt down in front of the furniture.
"What do we have here…" she murmured. Her face lit up brightly, her lips lifting in triumph while she grabbed the whiskey bottle by its neck and showed it to Joel like some token.
"You see that? That's what I call worth it."
He sneered softly, which wasn't the kind of reaction she had hoped for.
"Is the bottle sealed? Otherwise, we're not gonna touch it."
Amy rolled her eyes, but tested the opening to show him that his concerns were uncalled-for.
"See? Everything's sterile."
Joel placed his hands on his knees as he leaned down to see it for himself. Then, he snatched the bottle away to scan it himself.
"You don't trust me?" Amy giggled while watching him regard the brown liquid surrounded by glass covered by a thin layer of dust on all sides.
"It's not gonna bite, Joel. I don't know what you're waiting for."
"Seems fine," he snapped and slid his bag over his shoulder to put the bottle inside, which elicited an outraged wheeze from her.
"Are you kidding me? I found that. You're not gonna take this for yourself and – "
"Relax," Joel huffed and closed his rucksack again like he didn't have a single care in the world. "I'm not gonna steal it from you. I just know that if you have even more things to carry, you won't stop complaining about the weight on your back at all."
Shit, that was a good point. Amy swayed her head to the side as though to weigh his words, even though she was well aware that he was right. She did like to complain that hiking with so many pounds of food and clothes on her back was the worst thing in the world, as she liked to put it.
"Okay, alright…" she therefore mumbled and passed the tipped-over chairs and the squeaking rats fast to catch up to Joel, who was already out the door.
"Please."
"No."
"C'mon, I don't understand. Why not?"
Joel rubbed his eyelids with his knuckles, shaking his head over and over.
"'Cause I said no. Not tonight."
"Give me one good reason."
The idea of drinking some of that whiskey she had found earlier, clouding her brain and feeling completely cheerful and careless just for one night, sounded so damn good in her head that she wasn't willing to let the topic go so quickly.
"It'd be dangerous," he barked.
It was obvious that he expected her to give in soon, that he knew very well that she knew that her attempts were futile, but no, not today. She might surprise Joel with her insistence.
"Why dangerous?"
"'Cause how do you think we would fight any infected while we're both wasted, you smartass?"
"Oh c'mon…" she said loudly, throwing her hands in the air. "This is what you're worried about? We've been traveling for how long, two weeks? Has anything happened yet?"
"That ain't the point," Joel grunted and pulled his jacket tighter around his torso. "Something could happen. And we gotta be prepared. We gotta be able to defend ourselves."
Amy set her teeth hard, flashing her eyes at his rigid, cold expression. "We can still do that while we're drunk."
"Oh yeah?" Joel scoffed, scanning her face with amusement. "Have you been drunk before?"
"Of course I've been drunk before!" Amy hissed and shifted her weight onto her knees, arms crossed in front of her chest. "Some kids in FEDRA school smuggled beer inside once. And then after school a few times."
"And where'd you get that from?" Joel asked, his eyes narrowing like he actually cared about her reply for once.
She shrugged. "Friends. The guy that I worked for."
"The guy that you worked for. Alright."
"You don't believe me?" she uttered, cursing him for how he avoided her gaze like she was too childish to be blessed with his attention.
"I'm not sure…" Joel chuckled but then sighed heavily. "No, I believe ya. Just thought it'd be a good idea to distract ya a 'lil so you'd stop annoyin' me 'bout that whiskey. It always works so well on ya, you know? You gettin' angry… gettin' ahead of yourself."
"Oh, someone's feeling funny today," Amy barked and turned away slightly like she wanted to tell him that the conversation was finished. But then she remembered that she was the one who wanted something from Joel, so she swallowed her pride and jutted her chin forward.
"Joel, c'mon. Do you wanna wait until we meet the fireflies to drink this or what?"
"No, but I was thinkin' I could share a glass with my brother…"
"You fucking asshole."
He grinned brightly like daylight, which might have surprised and even delighted Amy on any other day, as it was probably the calmest she had ever witnessed him, but for now, her blood was still boiling too hotly.
"Just sit your ass back down, relax, and drink some water. S'better for your liver anyway."
"Asshole," she repeated but followed his advice and shifted into a more comfortable position. "We're gonna drink this before we find your brother. There's no way you're just gonna seize this and act like it's yours. I found it. You know what, actually, I'm the one who has the right to decide who drinks it and when."
"Oh yeah? You think it's your right?"
She nodded proudly like she had solved a math equation.
"This bottle belonged to someone once. And you just stole it. Now I found it, and I stole it from you. If you wanna turn this into a who-finds-it-first-claims-it game, it's mine. Rightfully."
"But that means I could steal it back," she uttered and let her gaze drift over to his open backpack.
Her words evoked deep guttural laughter from Joel, the sound wafting through the air like a rumble of thunder.
"Yeah, right… Try stealin' it back, kiddo. Let's see how well you're gonna do with that."
"Who knows?" Amy smiled sweetly, planting her hands behind her and thrusting her legs out.
They had already eaten dinner and brushed their teeth, but she felt no desire to go to sleep yet. She would most like to drink a sip of that whiskey and feel the warmth in her lungs and belly that she hadn't experienced in quite some time, but Amy decided that it wasn't worth picking another fight with Joel. He seemed to be in a good mood tonight, and now that her rage had subsided, she began to appreciate that fact.
"I'm gonna get a jacket," Amy informed him and rose to her feet, approaching her bag, which she had tossed on the ground an hour ago when they had made camp for the night.
When she came back and lowered herself onto the ground with a subtle groan, she moved nearer to him, just a little closer than she had been before. Amy didn't know whether Joel had even noticed it, hell, she didn't even know with what intention she did it, but a comfortable shudder went down her spine, feeling his body heat creep beside her. Their shoulders were touching, nothing more than that, yet she came to the realization that it was the closest she had ever gotten to him.
"Better now?" Joel growled, and it took Amy a moment to understand what he was referring to.
"I – Yes. Yes, it's better like that."
She pulled the zipper up to her chin, placing her soles on the ground and casually resting her chin on her kneecaps.
He smelled so wonderful. Amy had gotten so used to that scent that she hardly ever noticed it, but right now she did. She even discovered a new note, was that sandalwood? Why was he smelling of sandalwood when he didn't carry anything around that might have emitted such a scent? Still, there it was, so subtle in her nose, and yet it made her a little hazy. Maybe hungry was a more fitting term.
Amy turned her head slowly, her mouth drying up when her gaze landed on his magnificent profile. He had always reminded her of a Greek god with the curve of his nose and those full lips. Only that two weeks ago, she might have compared him to Ares, the god of war, and now he reminded her of the beautiful mortal Adonis.
"It's gonna be a cold night," Joel spoke all of a sudden and sniffled quietly.
"Oh," Amy said, too distracted by the light of the setting sun that highlighted the beautiful contours of his face. It made the brown of his hair look golden and emphasized the grey strands at the same time. His beard stubble seemed to stand out more as well.
Amy wondered what it would feel like against her palm. She had never touched a bearded man before. Would it sting uncomfortably or just be a faint tingle that would make her shudder?
"You're quiet," Joel suddenly said and wheeled his head around to face her for the first time since she had sat back down.
He was so close, she questioned whether it had been a good idea to take such a risk. But gosh… he was even more stunning now. Amy had no idea how someone's eyes could be so gentle, protective, and still stern and strict at the same time, but goddamnit, he managed it. Joel looked like he deeply worried about her but was still ready to do anything it took to bring forth his own interests. Or it was just his personal way of concealing the warmth within his stance.
"Are you listenin' to me?" Joel snorted, his tone lingering between serious concern and amusement.
"Yes. Sorry," Amy whispered, eyes anxiously scurrying over the frown upon his face.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm alright."
"Good. 'Cause I don't want ya faintin' on me."
Scrunching her nose, she straightened up a little more, trying to regain a fragment of her composure. "Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. But your face is a 'lil red."
"Thank you so much," Amy sneered, her voice edged with sarcasm.
At least she was feeling a tad more stable, though the minute the corner of his mouth tilted upward, another quiver billowed through her spine. She rarely saw him grin like that, and right now it looked so earnest she could even detect a few lines on his cheeks, suggesting that the gesture wasn't as unfamiliar as she had assumed it was, and that those muscles had worked in days long past.
"You need some water?" Joel wanted to know.
"No. I'm good."
Part of her doubted that he could even spot any ruddy color upon her cheeks, but she wasn't certain enough to say her suspicions out loud.
Instead, she rubbed her palms together, peering into the darkness when her eyes set on his hands. Like the rest of him, they looked aged and a little rugged, like they had seen a lot more sunlight and raw surfaces than warm baths and hand cream. The veins twining around his wrists were bulging, which made Amy's heart rate pick up. Subtly, but still noticeable.
"Joel," she whispered while her eyes ran up his body.
She felt woeful about his sleeves, which covered most of his arms, which she was sure were hairy and muscular just like his wrists, but she still liked what she saw. Such as the stitching of his shirt stretching over his bicep and wide shoulders that made him look strong and competent.
"What?" he murmured and glared ahead into the woods another moment before meeting Amy's gaze.
"What?" He repeated the word, as she hadn't replied to him,instead just silently admiring the beauty that lay within his hardness and solidity while she felt her heart doing acrobatics in her chest, pivoting and raging.
She swallowed one last time, her lips softly forming a smile.
Then, she stretched her neck a little and pressed her mouth against his.
For a moment, which Amy wasn't certain how long it lasted, time stood still.
There was a rustling noise in her ears, reminding her of the sound of ocean waves. All she could sense of Joel was a faint trace of his taste, which she associated with coffee, first and foremost.
At first, Amy wasn't sure whether he was kissing her back or not, if his lips were parting to welcome her or if she just imagined it in her mind, but then, all of a sudden, she felt a firm hand pulling her back by her shoulder.
Two glimmering eyes were drilling into her, and his hold around her was yet to let go, as if to ensure she couldn't close the distance between the two of them again.
"Are you fuckin' mad?" Joel hissed sharply, making the blood in her veins run cold.
She hadn't expected him to react like that, to be so angry with her, as in her mind, the mood had practically invited her to kiss him. And gosh… he still looked so gorgeous and appealing besides being so infuriated.
Amy wished she could rest her head in his lap, have his fingers thread through her hair while he told her that everything was going to be fine, that nothing was going to harm her as long as he was breathing. But no, Joel looked far from offering that right now.
"I just – I thought," Amy stammered, but he cut her off.
"What did you think? Tell me right now what was goin' through your goddamn mind?" His voice had grown even louder, causing her to wince like a dog kicked by its owner.
"Have I not made myself clear the other day? What's wrong with you, have I said anythin' to make you think that this is appropriate? That this isn't fuckin' insane?"
Tears welled in her eyes, and she couldn't do anything to blink them away, there was too much wetness. So maybe he hadn't kissed her back after all, and she had only imagined it.
"I don't know what the fuck to do with ya, 'cause you don't fuckin' listen. No matter how many times I tell you to shut up, to go to sleep and to not do shit like that."
The first sob rippled through her, but Joel only seemed to realize the shift in her demeanor a few seconds later. By the time his tense features softened, Amy was crying gently, her trembling hands relentlessly tucking strands behind her ears.
"Jesus…" Joel muttered and helplessly ran a hand through his hair. He clearly had no idea what to do, but for now Amy didn't mind just letting her emotions run free without any comment from him. Without a harsh remark about shutting her mouth.
"Amy, don't fuckin' cry, okay? Why're you cryin'?" He put a hand on her shoulder, carefully, as if she were made of glass.
"I'm – I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. Just stop cryin', alright?"
She wished she could, but his words were still ringing in her ears, and they weren't particularly nice to her. They made her feel ashamed and embarrassed, most of all for how Joel had rejected her advances. Had she been so wrong about feeling drawn to him? Had she been misled into thinking that there had been a spark between them? Was it possible that a human being could be so mistaken about that?
"I'm sorry, Amy," Joel murmured and drew a few soothing circles over her arm, which actually felt kind of nice, in her opinion.
"N-No… I'm sorry. I just – I really… I want you, Joel."
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" Joel spat and let go of her like he had burned himself. "You can't say things like that, you hear me?"
"But I do, Joel… I'm sorry. But I – I really just – "
"No," he groaned before she had the opportunity to share more about her feelings with him. Which felt terrifying and relieving all at the same time. "Stop it. You're just getting us both into trouble with this."
"Why?" she asked and wiped her nose. The tears had stopped now, and she felt much clearer in her head. The clouds had dissipated into the air and purified her brain for other tasks. Such as figuring out if there was a deeper, better-hidden reason for why Joel kept on pushing her away, or whether he was just not attracted to her the way she was to him.
"I can't. I just can't do any of this, and you gotta understand it."
"How am I supposed to understand it if you don't explain it to me?" Her eyes were big and curious, but she was calm now, just her hands still shivering a little bit.
"You can't kiss me, Amy. I can't let you do that." He scratched his temple, though she was positive it was primarily a gesture serving the purpose of soothing his nerves.
"You're… You're really fuckin' young. And I – I'm supposed to protect ya."
"Yeah, well, you're doing that, aren't you?" she whispered and briefly considered pressing her hand to his cheek to feel what it was like for his stiff hairs to dig into her palm, but she was almost certain that Joel would peel it off immediately.
"You can't – Don't look at me like that," he peevishly grumbled and dropped his head a little, his jaw working.
"Like what?" Amy almost desperately asked, trying to capture his eyes.
He made it so hard, and she didn't know why. If his only reason for not kissing her was their age gap, she was happy to calm his nerves and tell him that his doubts were needless. What did a few years matter in the apocalypse?
Wetting her brittle lips, Amy decided that she should perhaps tell him exactly that, which was why she made one last effort to meet his gaze.
"Joel, is this really about the age thing?" she whispered, which made him flinch like she had hit him.
"You know that it is."
"No. I mean yes, but I don't understand it. I don't care about it. We're – We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a cold forest, do you think I care about you being a few years older than me?"
Finally, he was glaring at her again, his breathing heavy under the exhaustion of this conversation that seemed to be going in circles.
"Please. Please, don't tell me no."
"Amy…" Joel murmured, his chest rising and falling profoundly under his jacket.
He must be on the verge of losing control. He must be. He must be close to giving in and looking at her the way she wanted him to look at her. Desiring, demanding, hungry.
"Joel. I told you I – "
She had no chance to finish her sentence, but she didn't mind it really.
Joel had already connected their lips again, and this time, there was not a trace of doubt about the fact that he was kissing her back. Hard.
In fact, his mouth clashed with hers so rigorously that Amy was pushed back a little until one of Joel's hands landed on the small of her back to pull her against his chest.
Goddamnit, he felt so good, she didn't even know where to start, what detail about him to enjoy first. Therefore, the first few seconds passed like a feverish fantasy, her head swirling while she repeatedly tried telling herself that this was actually happening.
When she came to her senses at last, Amy moved her hands to his cheek, finally claiming what she had longed for. His short stubble was a tad itchy against her flat palm, but what impressed her even more was his rough skin, which created friction as she slid her hand to the side of his head.
In the meantime, Joel had brought his other hand to Amy's face as well, only that she assumed her skin was a lot softer than his. Not that she minded it, really, but she hoped that Joel was just as satisfied as she was.
When she felt his tongue drag across the slit between her lips, she let out a faint moan, cursing herself immediately.
What if every noise she produced carried the danger of waking Joel from his euphoria and possibly threatened to end this moment? He seemed so lost in this kiss, so consumed by blind greed, it was like he was bewitched.
But no, nothing happened, even as another whimper spilled past her tongue when Joel tangled his hand in her hair. There was a gentleness and carefulness about the way he held her so close to him, ensuring that he was enclosing all of her in a protective embrace, but at the same time, his lips were nowhere close to being tender. He seemed to try to eat her, his face relentlessly pressing against her.
Shit… This was so good, Amy wanted to let out more of those whines accumulated in her throat, but the fear of causing him to snap back was still too great.
After a couple more minutes, Amy was even more light-headed, her heart racing in her chest.
"Joel," she gasped against his mouth, which felt dry and swollen by now. She was pawing at the side of his head, feeling his hair give way beneath her hands, tugging at his roots whenever she felt like it, which he didn't seem to mind.
She wanted more, she wanted to taste and smell more of him, move closer to him until Joel was the only thing she was capable of feeling. Amy liked kissing him, sure, and she liked that his scent, that leather and wooden smell, was so thick in her nose that she knew it wouldn't dissolve any time soon. Perhaps the smell would even cling to her when this was over.
And yet, she wanted more. The greed had taken over her, because whereas she might have been content with his lips pressed against her a couple of hours ago, she was now already thinking about all the other things she wanted. His hands, on other places on her body. His mouth maybe as well.
"Joel," she whimpered again and let her hands drop to his chest, feeling his strong muscles beneath his shirt.
Goddamnit, there were way too many layers of thick, coarse cotton isolating his body warmth, which Amy craved so badly, just like every other part of him.
Suddenly, her hands rested high up his thighs, which seemed to shift something within him. He tensed tangibly, his lips picking at her bottom lip a few more times before he withdrew.
"We gotta stop," Joel murmured and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear that had stuck to her mouth.
"Why?"
"'Cause it ain't right."
There it was again. Why did he have to make all of this so fucking difficult? Why couldn't he just feel good for a couple of hours?
This was exactly the same situation as their discussion about the whiskey bottle she had found. Sure, she felt honored and flustered every time Joel mentioned how important it was to him to take his position as her protector seriously, but this didn't really have anything to do with that, right? He could still shield her from harm while he kissed her. Maybe even a bit more than that.
"You really wanna stop now?" Amy muttered through clenched teeth, leaning forward so that their noses were nearly touching.
"We have to. Jesus Christ… I already went too far. M'sorry, I – "
"You're sorry?" Laughter rippled through her body and shook her so much that she had to catch her breath. Or maybe she was just still panting so heavily because of their previous make-out session.
"Yeah, goddamnit." Joel put a little more distance between them, though Amy noticed how his gaze briefly skimmed over her lips like he was captivated by the memory. At least that was what she hoped.
"But I don't want you to feel sorry, Joel. I wanted this. I want – I wish you wouldn't have stopped it."
Joel really looked like he couldn't believe what she had just said, even though it appeared so easy and obvious to Amy. How could this man assume that he was doing her harm by giving her what she yearned for so desperately, which had even given her sleepless nights and even more insufferable daydreams?
"You don't know what you're sayin'…"
"But I do. I want this. I really – It felt good. Didn't it feel good, Joel?"
"You gotta stop – sayin' my name like that. And lookin' at me like I – like there's anything I can give ya. There ain't nothin'."
She snorted and folded her arms in front of her, feeling very chilly now that Joel didn't have his hands on her any longer.
"Didn't I just say that – "
"I'm here 'cause I'm supposed to protect ya, get you safely to the fireflies, and then claim my reward. You are – young 'n'… impressionable."
"Impressionable?" Amy scoffed, then laughed freely, which seemed to raise suspicions in Joel. "You really don't know what you're saying, do you?"
"Yes, I fuckin' do. This is wrong. It's wrong that we kissed, it's wrong that we're even havin' this talk right now, and my thoughts are – wrong."
"Your thoughts?" Amy repeated, a sly smile playing around her lips.
So this wasn't all made up in her head. This hadn't been a spontaneous outburst of emotions, which was a pretty normal thing to happen while being stuck in the woods together. So he had had thoughts about her too, maybe some of them similar to the ones she had experienced. This was… interesting. Definitely.
"Just forget it," Joel snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets as if to signal to her that there was no other place they would rest for the rest of the night. "We should go to bed now. And I… I wish you wouldn't bring this up again."
He didn't really sound like he had high expectations on that front. "You gotta understand it, Amy. You gotta understand that I'm not for you, that everything about this would just be – bad. We should stay away from each other. And there are a thousand reasons for it."
She sighed, dropping her shoulders while Joel stood up, slightly stumbling, which gave her the courage needed to say the thing that was on her mind.
"If you had reasons that convinced me, I'd let it go. But they just don't convince me."
"That's 'cause you're a young girl who doesn't think clearly and doesn't understand that, as the person who takes you safely across the country, this is not – appropriate." Joel was clearly struggling to find more fitting terms for it, but Amy understood exactly what gnawed at him. Despite her inability to relate to it.
"Sleep well," he whispered since she hadn't replied at once.
His hands were still on his hips, perhaps to project the version of him Amy was so used to, but something about him was different tonight. He looked a little weaker, like the past days and weeks had worn on him. Amy doubted that this night alone was the reason for his exhaustion, though she had to admit that she hadn't really noticed the many worrisome wrinkles on his brow before.
"Goodnight," she muttered.
Tonight, Joel didn't wait until she was fast asleep before he drifted off as well. She couldn't be certain, of course, but it looked like it, considering his eyes were closed the moment she pulled her sleeping bag under her chin.
Normally, when her gaze flitted over to him occasionally while she waited for sleep to wash over her, she could see the white of his eyes, sometimes even his lashes blinking. But tonight, his face was rigid and lifeless, no hint of waking. He scrunched his nose once, but that might just be him reacting to his dreams in his sleep. It disappointed and upset Amy so much that she sniffled gently as she put her head down, glaring into the night sky.
No, she didn't like that at all. Her usual knowledge that Joel was caring for her like a guardian angel at all times, even at night, lulled her into a warm bubble that provided her with surprisingly deep and restful sleep. But not like that. With her assuming that he had already dozed off, Amy simply felt cold and empty, scared of the gnarled branches of the tall trees around her.
They were so different from Joel, who had been warm and firm beneath her hands, even though she hadn't even felt much of his flesh. But what she had experienced had been comforting and better than anything she had imagined in her head.
Amy sighed, then peered at him again through the corner of her eyes. He looked so peaceful and blissful with his hands laced on top of his stomach and his sealed lips relaxed. So peaceful that she felt bad for a moment for putting him through all this stress tonight. At the same time, though, it wasn't like she had planned any of it and hadn't intended to upset him in the slightest.
It was just… her heart's will being stronger than her head's.
Contains: age gap, power imbalance, hurt, angst, kissing, making out, guilt, regret, comfort, mentions of alcohol, crying
Wordcount: 7,605
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
"Joel…"
For an instant, he considered ignoring her. Just keeping his lids closed, waiting for her to believe that he was already asleep.
"Joel? Are you still awake?"
His teeth ground forcefully. There was surely a muscle flinching in his jaw, but he doubted that Amy could see it in the dark.
"Joel."
"What?" He sighed and wasn't able to explain to himself why he had bothered to answer her rather than following his initial plan.
"My arm's itchy."
"Don't scratch it, goddamnit," he barked into the darkness.
"Okay."
"Is that what you woke me up for?"
"You weren't asleep yet… right?"
He clenched his teeth even firmer and wouldn't be surprised if he heard a tooth crack.
"Go to sleep."
"I tried. But I can't fall asleep yet."
"Then count sheep," he grunted indignantly and turned to his other side, hoping the message was clear.
"Can I ask you something?"
God, he could have strangled her.
"You're already askin'."
"What do you think is gonna happen after we meet the fireflies?"
His tense features slackened a little at that, his eyes losing their sharpness. He hadn't guessed that Amy was already thinking that far ahead, as they still had a lot of country to cross before they would even be anywhere close to his brother. And that much space meant countless more infected, raiders, and every other possible threat there was.
Obviously, he would never tell Amy that, but it wasn't rare that he wasn't even certain whether they would find the fireflies. They were a resistance group that had been secretly formed under the watchful eyes of FEDRA. No matter if Joel liked them or not, they were trained when it came to hiding.
"Well," he muttered, turning onto his back and folding his hands over his stomach. "They're probably gonna run a couple tests. Take your blood? I don't know how this shit works, why haven't you asked Marlene all that?"
"No…" Amy whispered and shifted onto her side so that she could directly peer at Joel, or however much she could see in the dimly lit area. "I meant after that. After all of that."
"Well, you can go back to doing what you did before. That store you worked in. If that cure's gonna work, things might change in the world. But you're gonna figure it out."
He didn't tell her how little he deemed the chances of the fireflies actually being right about this. He didn't tell her that the next year, the year after that, and the year after that were probably going to start exactly like this one had. With a fucked-up, corrupt government and people who starved to death everywhere in the world.
"I don't think I ever wanna go back there," Amy scoffed, which caused Joel to lift an eyebrow.
"No? Why not?"
"I just… I worked there because they needed someone and it wasn't far from my home. I went to FEDRA school. And after that I just wanted to get a job so that I could feed myself. I never – I didn't see any prospects for myself. I didn't even think about life outside the QZ. When you grow up in FEDRA school they make sure your horizon is small. But now that I'm outside… I can go anywhere I want. I can even go to another continent."
Joel snorted, he couldn't help it. She sounded so hopeful, so excited about something he had never before considered.
"You wanna go to another continent? Wanna do some sightseeing in Europe? I guess it's as bad there as it is here."
No, actually, he knew that it was just as bad. But he didn't have the heart to state this as a fact. Amy had been four when the outbreak happened, so she naturally couldn't remember anything about the images in the news about cities like Paris and London that were just as chaotic and swamped with infected as the ones in the US.
"But maybe not when they have a cure. I know, I know… it would all take so much time for everybody to get medicine, but – just think about it in a few years. If this works. Where would you go?"
He took a deep breath and briefly contemplated her question. He had forgotten all about trying to get her to shut up and fall asleep without noticing he'd done so.
"I'd go back to Texas, I guess."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy wheezed, but didn't sound genuinely upset. "From all the places in the world? You choose Texas?"
"Well, I know what it's like there. I know my way around the cities."
"Isn't that the point?" she laughed and propped herself up on her elbow to have a better view of him.
His pupils flitted, glaring at her from the corner of his eyes, but he avoided moving his body as well. No, he didn't have to end the day by taking another generous look at her and having her face, her silky hair haunt him in his dreams.
"What is?"
"To go somewhere where you don't know everything. Somewhere you've never been to before."
"Well, I've been to a lot of places before," Joel lied and scrunched up his nose. He didn't know why he was even lying, but perhaps her eagerness about seeing as much as possible in this world made him self-conscious about spending so much of his life in the same place. Well, what could be expected of someone who had become a parent so early in his life? Amy just didn't know that part of his history, and he had no desire to change that.
"Where? Have you been to Asia before?"
He swore that if his view had been slightly better, he would have seen her eyes glowing in the dark.
"No. But I know where I would go."
"Where?"
He hated how keen and joyful Amy sounded but couldn't say why. It was just… confusing. Everything about her was confusing, but his own responses, his own emotions were even worse. Sometimes, thoughts flickered in his head that had no reason to be there, not to mention those desires that made a little more sense but still were not supposed to torment his mind.
"Ireland."
"Ireland?" Amy repeated, and Joel couldn't say if she was trying to ensure she had heard him right or was surprised by his reply.
"Yeah."
"Why Ireland?"
Joel exhaled heavily, a soft smile lingering on his lips, which he was glad Amy couldn't see from her vantage point.
"'Cause there's a lot of quietness. Just meadows and sheep."
"Are you serious? We're out here in the middle of fucking nowhere and you dream of meadows? Is this not enough for you?"
"Well, you asked me," he huffed, chewing on his bottom lip.
There wasn't much more exchanged between the two of them that night. A little later, when the silence had settled again, Joel thought that he maybe should have asked Amy as well what her answer was, but now it was too late for it.
He guessed it would definitely be a place in the south.
Maybe Australia or South America. Or Asia. Maybe he would find out one day, maybe not.
The next morning, Joel and Amy woke up at roughly the same time, the sun just a little bit above the horizon. It was a beautiful sunrise, one that made even him pause while he brewed some coffee.
Amy was just rubbing her tired eyes, but crawled in his direction, either attracted by the scent or the golden scenery.
"Wow," she breathed, eyes glued to the sky, which told him all he needed to know. Amy smiled blissfully, then sat down next to him, coming off so mesmerized by the sight that she barely noticed any other details around her.
In fact, she was so distracted that Joel questioned whether she had sat down so close to him on purpose. He tried to move away subtly, shifting his hips a little while he reached for his thermos cup, but everything about it felt awkward and clumsy. At least Amy didn't seem to notice any of it, as she just whistled through her teeth, lips curled at the remarkable view.
"It's so beautiful. I've never seen sunrises like that in the QZ…"
Overall, her mood seemed amazing today and only brightened when Joel handed her a cup of coffee, which she grabbed with a broad grin.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he grunted, not feeling too down either, but unlike her, he didn't feel the urge to let everyone in the world know that his temper was relatively at ease.
After they had packed up their belongings, Joel let his gaze travel across the little clearing one last time to scan the area for any items they might have missed against the forest soil, but Joel couldn't spot anything, so he gave Amy a faint nod.
"Alright…"
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowering his head while he turned around, but then his gaze caught on the straps of her backpack.
"Wait," he called out, watching her come to a pause, her brow furrowed with confusion.
"What is it?"
"Your bag. You gotta fix your straps."
"What about them?" Amy asked and glanced down at her body, then up at him again. Approaching her, Joel pointed toward her shoulders.
"They're twisted. And you gotta be careful, they're tangled with your hair. Just try to loosen your hair and then turn the straps."
Joel pulled his hands out of his pockets again to rest one casually against a tree.
"It's kinda impossible with one hand…" Amy complained, and helplessly tugged at her hair, which caused her to hiss out in pain.
"Ow, fuck…"
"Oh Jesus…" Joel snarled but then closed the distance and decided to take care of it. Right, he had forgotten about her injury, even though he had asked about the state of her arm in the morning right after he had woken up.
"Okay, hold still."
She was so close, Joel felt her eyes bore holes into his face. Why was she looking at him so intensely instead of glaring down at the ground? His fingers felt a little shaky when he tried to loosen her strands around the straps without hurting her, but he couldn't precisely tell what exactly had triggered his nervousness. Her eyes, her proximity in general, her collarbone right below his touch. Without having so much as touched her hand before, Joel just knew that her skin would be the warmest, softest texture in the world. Because she just carried that warmth, that natural mellowness.
"Oww," Amy complained and jerked slightly, making his jaw tauten.
"Hold still, goddamnit."
"I can't if you pull on my hair like that."
He refrained from another comment, even though his brow creased at her impatience. Wasn't he helping her? And still, she was treating him like he vexed her on purpose.
"There we go…" Joel whispered and moved a few strands of her hair back over her shoulder so that they wouldn't bother her anymore today.
As her hair fell past her shoulder blades, he realized that there were some loose strands that he had probably torn out by accident. Amy didn't have to know about that detail, though. It would only upset her.
"Are you done?" she whispered so quietly, her tone so soft and intimate, Joel's breath hitched in his throat. His knees felt like jelly, and his swimming head lost track of any train of thought he had while bringing the straps of her backpack into order again.
"Just a second…. M'fixin' the straps." His voice was low as well, adjusted to her tone, which there was no need for, he realized.
Shit, she really was close to him. Until now, Joel had focused on his work on her hair, but as he briefly let his eyes meander over her features, her lips parted in a thin strip, he noticed how he would be able to close the distance between the two of them just by dipping his head a little lower. He could kiss her hairline in no time, smell her hair, her tender skin, and inhale her like she was his favorite perfume.
"Joel."
Fuck, he hadn't realized how intently he had watched her for the past few seconds. His gaze dropped lower again, her big eyes and the glint in her pupils only a memory now, even though he was sure she still looked at him the same. And her voice, for fuck's sake…
Joel was nearly a hundred percent certain that she was doing this consciously. Or she happened to have very poor self-control. Whatever it was, even if Amy had lost her fucking mind and his name had slipped past her lips so sweetly because she had felt something in that moment, it still didn't make it right.
"I'm done," Joel growled suddenly and took a large step back like he had just gotten electroshocked by the grip of her bag. Amy didn't respond at once and just stared into space as though she was floating in a hazy bubble, unaware that the moment was over. That Joel had withdrawn already.
"Let's go."
He coughed a couple of times to mask his nervousness, his hands back in the depths of his pockets to prevent himself from reaching out to her again.
What had he been thinking? The fact that his body showed strange signs of tension around her shouldn't be any news to him, and yet he was bewildered all over again by the way his heart had started galloping in his chest and he had broken into a sweat like the two of them were visiting a sauna rather than hiking through woods that, in fact, did a pretty good job of hiding the sun from them.
All of this, Amy's proximity, the way she looked at him, was bad for him. His mind, which couldn't concentrate on this journey any longer, his body, which felt so sluggish and weak that he wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed one day, and his heart, which seemed to sting a little every time he glanced at her.
And… weirdly, also when he turned away from her.
Amy
Around noon, Joel and Amy stumbled upon a little cabin in the forest, which reminded her of a photo she owned.
It depicted her parents on their first vacation, when they had been about her age. A young couple, beautiful as Amy found them, standing next to each other knee-deep in the snow with a wooden cabin like the one her gaze rested upon right now behind them. She told Joel about the similarities, but he hadn't had much more to add than a snort and a coarse "This one's probably filled with infected 'n' rats."
"Wait, we're not gonna go in?" It turned out that Joel hadn't planned on browsing the little cabin, which Amy had refused to accept.
She had folded her hands as if to pray, had given Joel her biggest puppy eyes, and promised him that she would do as he said and not wander around.
Of course it had worked wonders, and Joel had decided that since they had made such good progress today, a few minutes inside the cabin wouldn't set them back massively.
To say that Amy had been disillusioned once she had stepped past the door frame would be an understatement. At least Joel had been wrong about the place being crammed with infected, but apart from that, he had been right.
There were rats, broken glass all over the floor, lots of garbage, weird scents, and water puddles in the bathroom. There wasn't even any toilet paper they could steal.
Amy dropped her shoulders, her features emitting disappointment, whereas Joel looked victorious and a little smug. She was just about to admit that she had made a mistake wanting to explore the cabin that had seemed so promising from outside when her attention fell on a small cupboard behind the door.
Quickly, before Joel could stop her in case that was his intention, she crossed the area in a few large steps and knelt down in front of the furniture.
"What do we have here…" she murmured. Her face lit up brightly, her lips lifting in triumph while she grabbed the whiskey bottle by its neck and showed it to Joel like some token.
"You see that? That's what I call worth it."
He sneered softly, which wasn't the kind of reaction she had hoped for.
"Is the bottle sealed? Otherwise, we're not gonna touch it."
Amy rolled her eyes, but tested the opening to show him that his concerns were uncalled-for.
"See? Everything's sterile."
Joel placed his hands on his knees as he leaned down to see it for himself. Then, he snatched the bottle away to scan it himself.
"You don't trust me?" Amy giggled while watching him regard the brown liquid surrounded by glass covered by a thin layer of dust on all sides.
"It's not gonna bite, Joel. I don't know what you're waiting for."
"Seems fine," he snapped and slid his bag over his shoulder to put the bottle inside, which elicited an outraged wheeze from her.
"Are you kidding me? I found that. You're not gonna take this for yourself and – "
"Relax," Joel huffed and closed his rucksack again like he didn't have a single care in the world. "I'm not gonna steal it from you. I just know that if you have even more things to carry, you won't stop complaining about the weight on your back at all."
Shit, that was a good point. Amy swayed her head to the side as though to weigh his words, even though she was well aware that he was right. She did like to complain that hiking with so many pounds of food and clothes on her back was the worst thing in the world, as she liked to put it.
"Okay, alright…" she therefore mumbled and passed the tipped-over chairs and the squeaking rats fast to catch up to Joel, who was already out the door.
"Please."
"No."
"C'mon, I don't understand. Why not?"
Joel rubbed his eyelids with his knuckles, shaking his head over and over.
"'Cause I said no. Not tonight."
"Give me one good reason."
The idea of drinking some of that whiskey she had found earlier, clouding her brain and feeling completely cheerful and careless just for one night, sounded so damn good in her head that she wasn't willing to let the topic go so quickly.
"It'd be dangerous," he barked.
It was obvious that he expected her to give in soon, that he knew very well that she knew that her attempts were futile, but no, not today. She might surprise Joel with her insistence.
"Why dangerous?"
"'Cause how do you think we would fight any infected while we're both wasted, you smartass?"
"Oh c'mon…" she said loudly, throwing her hands in the air. "This is what you're worried about? We've been traveling for how long, two weeks? Has anything happened yet?"
"That ain't the point," Joel grunted and pulled his jacket tighter around his torso. "Something could happen. And we gotta be prepared. We gotta be able to defend ourselves."
Amy set her teeth hard, flashing her eyes at his rigid, cold expression. "We can still do that while we're drunk."
"Oh yeah?" Joel scoffed, scanning her face with amusement. "Have you been drunk before?"
"Of course I've been drunk before!" Amy hissed and shifted her weight onto her knees, arms crossed in front of her chest. "Some kids in FEDRA school smuggled beer inside once. And then after school a few times."
"And where'd you get that from?" Joel asked, his eyes narrowing like he actually cared about her reply for once.
She shrugged. "Friends. The guy that I worked for."
"The guy that you worked for. Alright."
"You don't believe me?" she uttered, cursing him for how he avoided her gaze like she was too childish to be blessed with his attention.
"I'm not sure…" Joel chuckled but then sighed heavily. "No, I believe ya. Just thought it'd be a good idea to distract ya a 'lil so you'd stop annoyin' me 'bout that whiskey. It always works so well on ya, you know? You gettin' angry… gettin' ahead of yourself."
"Oh, someone's feeling funny today," Amy barked and turned away slightly like she wanted to tell him that the conversation was finished. But then she remembered that she was the one who wanted something from Joel, so she swallowed her pride and jutted her chin forward.
"Joel, c'mon. Do you wanna wait until we meet the fireflies to drink this or what?"
"No, but I was thinkin' I could share a glass with my brother…"
"You fucking asshole."
He grinned brightly like daylight, which might have surprised and even delighted Amy on any other day, as it was probably the calmest she had ever witnessed him, but for now, her blood was still boiling too hotly.
"Just sit your ass back down, relax, and drink some water. S'better for your liver anyway."
"Asshole," she repeated but followed his advice and shifted into a more comfortable position. "We're gonna drink this before we find your brother. There's no way you're just gonna seize this and act like it's yours. I found it. You know what, actually, I'm the one who has the right to decide who drinks it and when."
"Oh yeah? You think it's your right?"
She nodded proudly like she had solved a math equation.
"This bottle belonged to someone once. And you just stole it. Now I found it, and I stole it from you. If you wanna turn this into a who-finds-it-first-claims-it game, it's mine. Rightfully."
"But that means I could steal it back," she uttered and let her gaze drift over to his open backpack.
Her words evoked deep guttural laughter from Joel, the sound wafting through the air like a rumble of thunder.
"Yeah, right… Try stealin' it back, kiddo. Let's see how well you're gonna do with that."
"Who knows?" Amy smiled sweetly, planting her hands behind her and thrusting her legs out.
They had already eaten dinner and brushed their teeth, but she felt no desire to go to sleep yet. She would most like to drink a sip of that whiskey and feel the warmth in her lungs and belly that she hadn't experienced in quite some time, but Amy decided that it wasn't worth picking another fight with Joel. He seemed to be in a good mood tonight, and now that her rage had subsided, she began to appreciate that fact.
"I'm gonna get a jacket," Amy informed him and rose to her feet, approaching her bag, which she had tossed on the ground an hour ago when they had made camp for the night.
When she came back and lowered herself onto the ground with a subtle groan, she moved nearer to him, just a little closer than she had been before. Amy didn't know whether Joel had even noticed it, hell, she didn't even know with what intention she did it, but a comfortable shudder went down her spine, feeling his body heat creep beside her. Their shoulders were touching, nothing more than that, yet she came to the realization that it was the closest she had ever gotten to him.
"Better now?" Joel growled, and it took Amy a moment to understand what he was referring to.
"I – Yes. Yes, it's better like that."
She pulled the zipper up to her chin, placing her soles on the ground and casually resting her chin on her kneecaps.
He smelled so wonderful. Amy had gotten so used to that scent that she hardly ever noticed it, but right now she did. She even discovered a new note, was that sandalwood? Why was he smelling of sandalwood when he didn't carry anything around that might have emitted such a scent? Still, there it was, so subtle in her nose, and yet it made her a little hazy. Maybe hungry was a more fitting term.
Amy turned her head slowly, her mouth drying up when her gaze landed on his magnificent profile. He had always reminded her of a Greek god with the curve of his nose and those full lips. Only that two weeks ago, she might have compared him to Ares, the god of war, and now he reminded her of the beautiful mortal Adonis.
"It's gonna be a cold night," Joel spoke all of a sudden and sniffled quietly.
"Oh," Amy said, too distracted by the light of the setting sun that highlighted the beautiful contours of his face. It made the brown of his hair look golden and emphasized the grey strands at the same time. His beard stubble seemed to stand out more as well.
Amy wondered what it would feel like against her palm. She had never touched a bearded man before. Would it sting uncomfortably or just be a faint tingle that would make her shudder?
"You're quiet," Joel suddenly said and wheeled his head around to face her for the first time since she had sat back down.
He was so close, she questioned whether it had been a good idea to take such a risk. But gosh… he was even more stunning now. Amy had no idea how someone's eyes could be so gentle, protective, and still stern and strict at the same time, but goddamnit, he managed it. Joel looked like he deeply worried about her but was still ready to do anything it took to bring forth his own interests. Or it was just his personal way of concealing the warmth within his stance.
"Are you listenin' to me?" Joel snorted, his tone lingering between serious concern and amusement.
"Yes. Sorry," Amy whispered, eyes anxiously scurrying over the frown upon his face.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm alright."
"Good. 'Cause I don't want ya faintin' on me."
Scrunching her nose, she straightened up a little more, trying to regain a fragment of her composure. "Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. But your face is a 'lil red."
"Thank you so much," Amy sneered, her voice edged with sarcasm.
At least she was feeling a tad more stable, though the minute the corner of his mouth tilted upward, another quiver billowed through her spine. She rarely saw him grin like that, and right now it looked so earnest she could even detect a few lines on his cheeks, suggesting that the gesture wasn't as unfamiliar as she had assumed it was, and that those muscles had worked in days long past.
"You need some water?" Joel wanted to know.
"No. I'm good."
Part of her doubted that he could even spot any ruddy color upon her cheeks, but she wasn't certain enough to say her suspicions out loud.
Instead, she rubbed her palms together, peering into the darkness when her eyes set on his hands. Like the rest of him, they looked aged and a little rugged, like they had seen a lot more sunlight and raw surfaces than warm baths and hand cream. The veins twining around his wrists were bulging, which made Amy's heart rate pick up. Subtly, but still noticeable.
"Joel," she whispered while her eyes ran up his body.
She felt woeful about his sleeves, which covered most of his arms, which she was sure were hairy and muscular just like his wrists, but she still liked what she saw. Such as the stitching of his shirt stretching over his bicep and wide shoulders that made him look strong and competent.
"What?" he murmured and glared ahead into the woods another moment before meeting Amy's gaze.
"What?" He repeated the word, as she hadn't replied to him,instead just silently admiring the beauty that lay within his hardness and solidity while she felt her heart doing acrobatics in her chest, pivoting and raging.
She swallowed one last time, her lips softly forming a smile.
Then, she stretched her neck a little and pressed her mouth against his.
For a moment, which Amy wasn't certain how long it lasted, time stood still.
There was a rustling noise in her ears, reminding her of the sound of ocean waves. All she could sense of Joel was a faint trace of his taste, which she associated with coffee, first and foremost.
At first, Amy wasn't sure whether he was kissing her back or not, if his lips were parting to welcome her or if she just imagined it in her mind, but then, all of a sudden, she felt a firm hand pulling her back by her shoulder.
Two glimmering eyes were drilling into her, and his hold around her was yet to let go, as if to ensure she couldn't close the distance between the two of them again.
"Are you fuckin' mad?" Joel hissed sharply, making the blood in her veins run cold.
She hadn't expected him to react like that, to be so angry with her, as in her mind, the mood had practically invited her to kiss him. And gosh… he still looked so gorgeous and appealing besides being so infuriated.
Amy wished she could rest her head in his lap, have his fingers thread through her hair while he told her that everything was going to be fine, that nothing was going to harm her as long as he was breathing. But no, Joel looked far from offering that right now.
"I just – I thought," Amy stammered, but he cut her off.
"What did you think? Tell me right now what was goin' through your goddamn mind?" His voice had grown even louder, causing her to wince like a dog kicked by its owner.
"Have I not made myself clear the other day? What's wrong with you, have I said anythin' to make you think that this is appropriate? That this isn't fuckin' insane?"
Tears welled in her eyes, and she couldn't do anything to blink them away, there was too much wetness. So maybe he hadn't kissed her back after all, and she had only imagined it.
"I don't know what the fuck to do with ya, 'cause you don't fuckin' listen. No matter how many times I tell you to shut up, to go to sleep and to not do shit like that."
The first sob rippled through her, but Joel only seemed to realize the shift in her demeanor a few seconds later. By the time his tense features softened, Amy was crying gently, her trembling hands relentlessly tucking strands behind her ears.
"Jesus…" Joel muttered and helplessly ran a hand through his hair. He clearly had no idea what to do, but for now Amy didn't mind just letting her emotions run free without any comment from him. Without a harsh remark about shutting her mouth.
"Amy, don't fuckin' cry, okay? Why're you cryin'?" He put a hand on her shoulder, carefully, as if she were made of glass.
"I'm – I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. Just stop cryin', alright?"
She wished she could, but his words were still ringing in her ears, and they weren't particularly nice to her. They made her feel ashamed and embarrassed, most of all for how Joel had rejected her advances. Had she been so wrong about feeling drawn to him? Had she been misled into thinking that there had been a spark between them? Was it possible that a human being could be so mistaken about that?
"I'm sorry, Amy," Joel murmured and drew a few soothing circles over her arm, which actually felt kind of nice, in her opinion.
"N-No… I'm sorry. I just – I really… I want you, Joel."
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" Joel spat and let go of her like he had burned himself. "You can't say things like that, you hear me?"
"But I do, Joel… I'm sorry. But I – I really just – "
"No," he groaned before she had the opportunity to share more about her feelings with him. Which felt terrifying and relieving all at the same time. "Stop it. You're just getting us both into trouble with this."
"Why?" she asked and wiped her nose. The tears had stopped now, and she felt much clearer in her head. The clouds had dissipated into the air and purified her brain for other tasks. Such as figuring out if there was a deeper, better-hidden reason for why Joel kept on pushing her away, or whether he was just not attracted to her the way she was to him.
"I can't. I just can't do any of this, and you gotta understand it."
"How am I supposed to understand it if you don't explain it to me?" Her eyes were big and curious, but she was calm now, just her hands still shivering a little bit.
"You can't kiss me, Amy. I can't let you do that." He scratched his temple, though she was positive it was primarily a gesture serving the purpose of soothing his nerves.
"You're… You're really fuckin' young. And I – I'm supposed to protect ya."
"Yeah, well, you're doing that, aren't you?" she whispered and briefly considered pressing her hand to his cheek to feel what it was like for his stiff hairs to dig into her palm, but she was almost certain that Joel would peel it off immediately.
"You can't – Don't look at me like that," he peevishly grumbled and dropped his head a little, his jaw working.
"Like what?" Amy almost desperately asked, trying to capture his eyes.
He made it so hard, and she didn't know why. If his only reason for not kissing her was their age gap, she was happy to calm his nerves and tell him that his doubts were needless. What did a few years matter in the apocalypse?
Wetting her brittle lips, Amy decided that she should perhaps tell him exactly that, which was why she made one last effort to meet his gaze.
"Joel, is this really about the age thing?" she whispered, which made him flinch like she had hit him.
"You know that it is."
"No. I mean yes, but I don't understand it. I don't care about it. We're – We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a cold forest, do you think I care about you being a few years older than me?"
Finally, he was glaring at her again, his breathing heavy under the exhaustion of this conversation that seemed to be going in circles.
"Please. Please, don't tell me no."
"Amy…" Joel murmured, his chest rising and falling profoundly under his jacket.
He must be on the verge of losing control. He must be. He must be close to giving in and looking at her the way she wanted him to look at her. Desiring, demanding, hungry.
"Joel. I told you I – "
She had no chance to finish her sentence, but she didn't mind it really.
Joel had already connected their lips again, and this time, there was not a trace of doubt about the fact that he was kissing her back. Hard.
In fact, his mouth clashed with hers so rigorously that Amy was pushed back a little until one of Joel's hands landed on the small of her back to pull her against his chest.
Goddamnit, he felt so good, she didn't even know where to start, what detail about him to enjoy first. Therefore, the first few seconds passed like a feverish fantasy, her head swirling while she repeatedly tried telling herself that this was actually happening.
When she came to her senses at last, Amy moved her hands to his cheek, finally claiming what she had longed for. His short stubble was a tad itchy against her flat palm, but what impressed her even more was his rough skin, which created friction as she slid her hand to the side of his head.
In the meantime, Joel had brought his other hand to Amy's face as well, only that she assumed her skin was a lot softer than his. Not that she minded it, really, but she hoped that Joel was just as satisfied as she was.
When she felt his tongue drag across the slit between her lips, she let out a faint moan, cursing herself immediately.
What if every noise she produced carried the danger of waking Joel from his euphoria and possibly threatened to end this moment? He seemed so lost in this kiss, so consumed by blind greed, it was like he was bewitched.
But no, nothing happened, even as another whimper spilled past her tongue when Joel tangled his hand in her hair. There was a gentleness and carefulness about the way he held her so close to him, ensuring that he was enclosing all of her in a protective embrace, but at the same time, his lips were nowhere close to being tender. He seemed to try to eat her, his face relentlessly pressing against her.
Shit… This was so good, Amy wanted to let out more of those whines accumulated in her throat, but the fear of causing him to snap back was still too great.
After a couple more minutes, Amy was even more light-headed, her heart racing in her chest.
"Joel," she gasped against his mouth, which felt dry and swollen by now. She was pawing at the side of his head, feeling his hair give way beneath her hands, tugging at his roots whenever she felt like it, which he didn't seem to mind.
She wanted more, she wanted to taste and smell more of him, move closer to him until Joel was the only thing she was capable of feeling. Amy liked kissing him, sure, and she liked that his scent, that leather and wooden smell, was so thick in her nose that she knew it wouldn't dissolve any time soon. Perhaps the smell would even cling to her when this was over.
And yet, she wanted more. The greed had taken over her, because whereas she might have been content with his lips pressed against her a couple of hours ago, she was now already thinking about all the other things she wanted. His hands, on other places on her body. His mouth maybe as well.
"Joel," she whimpered again and let her hands drop to his chest, feeling his strong muscles beneath his shirt.
Goddamnit, there were way too many layers of thick, coarse cotton isolating his body warmth, which Amy craved so badly, just like every other part of him.
Suddenly, her hands rested high up his thighs, which seemed to shift something within him. He tensed tangibly, his lips picking at her bottom lip a few more times before he withdrew.
"We gotta stop," Joel murmured and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear that had stuck to her mouth.
"Why?"
"'Cause it ain't right."
There it was again. Why did he have to make all of this so fucking difficult? Why couldn't he just feel good for a couple of hours?
This was exactly the same situation as their discussion about the whiskey bottle she had found. Sure, she felt honored and flustered every time Joel mentioned how important it was to him to take his position as her protector seriously, but this didn't really have anything to do with that, right? He could still shield her from harm while he kissed her. Maybe even a bit more than that.
"You really wanna stop now?" Amy muttered through clenched teeth, leaning forward so that their noses were nearly touching.
"We have to. Jesus Christ… I already went too far. M'sorry, I – "
"You're sorry?" Laughter rippled through her body and shook her so much that she had to catch her breath. Or maybe she was just still panting so heavily because of their previous make-out session.
"Yeah, goddamnit." Joel put a little more distance between them, though Amy noticed how his gaze briefly skimmed over her lips like he was captivated by the memory. At least that was what she hoped.
"But I don't want you to feel sorry, Joel. I wanted this. I want – I wish you wouldn't have stopped it."
Joel really looked like he couldn't believe what she had just said, even though it appeared so easy and obvious to Amy. How could this man assume that he was doing her harm by giving her what she yearned for so desperately, which had even given her sleepless nights and even more insufferable daydreams?
"You don't know what you're sayin'…"
"But I do. I want this. I really – It felt good. Didn't it feel good, Joel?"
"You gotta stop – sayin' my name like that. And lookin' at me like I – like there's anything I can give ya. There ain't nothin'."
She snorted and folded her arms in front of her, feeling very chilly now that Joel didn't have his hands on her any longer.
"Didn't I just say that – "
"I'm here 'cause I'm supposed to protect ya, get you safely to the fireflies, and then claim my reward. You are – young 'n'… impressionable."
"Impressionable?" Amy scoffed, then laughed freely, which seemed to raise suspicions in Joel. "You really don't know what you're saying, do you?"
"Yes, I fuckin' do. This is wrong. It's wrong that we kissed, it's wrong that we're even havin' this talk right now, and my thoughts are – wrong."
"Your thoughts?" Amy repeated, a sly smile playing around her lips.
So this wasn't all made up in her head. This hadn't been a spontaneous outburst of emotions, which was a pretty normal thing to happen while being stuck in the woods together. So he had had thoughts about her too, maybe some of them similar to the ones she had experienced. This was… interesting. Definitely.
"Just forget it," Joel snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets as if to signal to her that there was no other place they would rest for the rest of the night. "We should go to bed now. And I… I wish you wouldn't bring this up again."
He didn't really sound like he had high expectations on that front. "You gotta understand it, Amy. You gotta understand that I'm not for you, that everything about this would just be – bad. We should stay away from each other. And there are a thousand reasons for it."
She sighed, dropping her shoulders while Joel stood up, slightly stumbling, which gave her the courage needed to say the thing that was on her mind.
"If you had reasons that convinced me, I'd let it go. But they just don't convince me."
"That's 'cause you're a young girl who doesn't think clearly and doesn't understand that, as the person who takes you safely across the country, this is not – appropriate." Joel was clearly struggling to find more fitting terms for it, but Amy understood exactly what gnawed at him. Despite her inability to relate to it.
"Sleep well," he whispered since she hadn't replied at once.
His hands were still on his hips, perhaps to project the version of him Amy was so used to, but something about him was different tonight. He looked a little weaker, like the past days and weeks had worn on him. Amy doubted that this night alone was the reason for his exhaustion, though she had to admit that she hadn't really noticed the many worrisome wrinkles on his brow before.
"Goodnight," she muttered.
Tonight, Joel didn't wait until she was fast asleep before he drifted off as well. She couldn't be certain, of course, but it looked like it, considering his eyes were closed the moment she pulled her sleeping bag under her chin.
Normally, when her gaze flitted over to him occasionally while she waited for sleep to wash over her, she could see the white of his eyes, sometimes even his lashes blinking. But tonight, his face was rigid and lifeless, no hint of waking. He scrunched his nose once, but that might just be him reacting to his dreams in his sleep. It disappointed and upset Amy so much that she sniffled gently as she put her head down, glaring into the night sky.
No, she didn't like that at all. Her usual knowledge that Joel was caring for her like a guardian angel at all times, even at night, lulled her into a warm bubble that provided her with surprisingly deep and restful sleep. But not like that. With her assuming that he had already dozed off, Amy simply felt cold and empty, scared of the gnarled branches of the tall trees around her.
They were so different from Joel, who had been warm and firm beneath her hands, even though she hadn't even felt much of his flesh. But what she had experienced had been comforting and better than anything she had imagined in her head.
Amy sighed, then peered at him again through the corner of her eyes. He looked so peaceful and blissful with his hands laced on top of his stomach and his sealed lips relaxed. So peaceful that she felt bad for a moment for putting him through all this stress tonight. At the same time, though, it wasn't like she had planned any of it and hadn't intended to upset him in the slightest.
It was just… her heart's will being stronger than her head's.
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Contains: age gap, power imbalance, hurt, angst, kissing, making out, guilt, regret, comfort, mentions of alcohol, crying
Wordcount: 7,605
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"Joel…"
For an instant, he considered ignoring her. Just keeping his lids closed, waiting for her to believe that he was already asleep.
"Joel? Are you still awake?"
His teeth ground forcefully. There was surely a muscle flinching in his jaw, but he doubted that Amy could see it in the dark.
"Joel."
"What?" He sighed and wasn't able to explain to himself why he had bothered to answer her rather than following his initial plan.
"My arm's itchy."
"Don't scratch it, goddamnit," he barked into the darkness.
"Okay."
"Is that what you woke me up for?"
"You weren't asleep yet… right?"
He clenched his teeth even firmer and wouldn't be surprised if he heard a tooth crack.
"Go to sleep."
"I tried. But I can't fall asleep yet."
"Then count sheep," he grunted indignantly and turned to his other side, hoping the message was clear.
"Can I ask you something?"
God, he could have strangled her.
"You're already askin'."
"What do you think is gonna happen after we meet the fireflies?"
His tense features slackened a little at that, his eyes losing their sharpness. He hadn't guessed that Amy was already thinking that far ahead, as they still had a lot of country to cross before they would even be anywhere close to his brother. And that much space meant countless more infected, raiders, and every other possible threat there was.
Obviously, he would never tell Amy that, but it wasn't rare that he wasn't even certain whether they would find the fireflies. They were a resistance group that had been secretly formed under the watchful eyes of FEDRA. No matter if Joel liked them or not, they were trained when it came to hiding.
"Well," he muttered, turning onto his back and folding his hands over his stomach. "They're probably gonna run a couple tests. Take your blood? I don't know how this shit works, why haven't you asked Marlene all that?"
"No…" Amy whispered and shifted onto her side so that she could directly peer at Joel, or however much she could see in the dimly lit area. "I meant after that. After all of that."
"Well, you can go back to doing what you did before. That store you worked in. If that cure's gonna work, things might change in the world. But you're gonna figure it out."
He didn't tell her how little he deemed the chances of the fireflies actually being right about this. He didn't tell her that the next year, the year after that, and the year after that were probably going to start exactly like this one had. With a fucked-up, corrupt government and people who starved to death everywhere in the world.
"I don't think I ever wanna go back there," Amy scoffed, which caused Joel to lift an eyebrow.
"No? Why not?"
"I just… I worked there because they needed someone and it wasn't far from my home. I went to FEDRA school. And after that I just wanted to get a job so that I could feed myself. I never – I didn't see any prospects for myself. I didn't even think about life outside the QZ. When you grow up in FEDRA school they make sure your horizon is small. But now that I'm outside… I can go anywhere I want. I can even go to another continent."
Joel snorted, he couldn't help it. She sounded so hopeful, so excited about something he had never before considered.
"You wanna go to another continent? Wanna do some sightseeing in Europe? I guess it's as bad there as it is here."
No, actually, he knew that it was just as bad. But he didn't have the heart to state this as a fact. Amy had been four when the outbreak happened, so she naturally couldn't remember anything about the images in the news about cities like Paris and London that were just as chaotic and swamped with infected as the ones in the US.
"But maybe not when they have a cure. I know, I know… it would all take so much time for everybody to get medicine, but – just think about it in a few years. If this works. Where would you go?"
He took a deep breath and briefly contemplated her question. He had forgotten all about trying to get her to shut up and fall asleep without noticing he'd done so.
"I'd go back to Texas, I guess."
"Are you kidding me?" Amy wheezed, but didn't sound genuinely upset. "From all the places in the world? You choose Texas?"
"Well, I know what it's like there. I know my way around the cities."
"Isn't that the point?" she laughed and propped herself up on her elbow to have a better view of him.
His pupils flitted, glaring at her from the corner of his eyes, but he avoided moving his body as well. No, he didn't have to end the day by taking another generous look at her and having her face, her silky hair haunt him in his dreams.
"What is?"
"To go somewhere where you don't know everything. Somewhere you've never been to before."
"Well, I've been to a lot of places before," Joel lied and scrunched up his nose. He didn't know why he was even lying, but perhaps her eagerness about seeing as much as possible in this world made him self-conscious about spending so much of his life in the same place. Well, what could be expected of someone who had become a parent so early in his life? Amy just didn't know that part of his history, and he had no desire to change that.
"Where? Have you been to Asia before?"
He swore that if his view had been slightly better, he would have seen her eyes glowing in the dark.
"No. But I know where I would go."
"Where?"
He hated how keen and joyful Amy sounded but couldn't say why. It was just… confusing. Everything about her was confusing, but his own responses, his own emotions were even worse. Sometimes, thoughts flickered in his head that had no reason to be there, not to mention those desires that made a little more sense but still were not supposed to torment his mind.
"Ireland."
"Ireland?" Amy repeated, and Joel couldn't say if she was trying to ensure she had heard him right or was surprised by his reply.
"Yeah."
"Why Ireland?"
Joel exhaled heavily, a soft smile lingering on his lips, which he was glad Amy couldn't see from her vantage point.
"'Cause there's a lot of quietness. Just meadows and sheep."
"Are you serious? We're out here in the middle of fucking nowhere and you dream of meadows? Is this not enough for you?"
"Well, you asked me," he huffed, chewing on his bottom lip.
There wasn't much more exchanged between the two of them that night. A little later, when the silence had settled again, Joel thought that he maybe should have asked Amy as well what her answer was, but now it was too late for it.
He guessed it would definitely be a place in the south.
Maybe Australia or South America. Or Asia. Maybe he would find out one day, maybe not.
The next morning, Joel and Amy woke up at roughly the same time, the sun just a little bit above the horizon. It was a beautiful sunrise, one that made even him pause while he brewed some coffee.
Amy was just rubbing her tired eyes, but crawled in his direction, either attracted by the scent or the golden scenery.
"Wow," she breathed, eyes glued to the sky, which told him all he needed to know. Amy smiled blissfully, then sat down next to him, coming off so mesmerized by the sight that she barely noticed any other details around her.
In fact, she was so distracted that Joel questioned whether she had sat down so close to him on purpose. He tried to move away subtly, shifting his hips a little while he reached for his thermos cup, but everything about it felt awkward and clumsy. At least Amy didn't seem to notice any of it, as she just whistled through her teeth, lips curled at the remarkable view.
"It's so beautiful. I've never seen sunrises like that in the QZ…"
Overall, her mood seemed amazing today and only brightened when Joel handed her a cup of coffee, which she grabbed with a broad grin.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome," he grunted, not feeling too down either, but unlike her, he didn't feel the urge to let everyone in the world know that his temper was relatively at ease.
After they had packed up their belongings, Joel let his gaze travel across the little clearing one last time to scan the area for any items they might have missed against the forest soil, but Joel couldn't spot anything, so he gave Amy a faint nod.
"Alright…"
He stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowering his head while he turned around, but then his gaze caught on the straps of her backpack.
"Wait," he called out, watching her come to a pause, her brow furrowed with confusion.
"What is it?"
"Your bag. You gotta fix your straps."
"What about them?" Amy asked and glanced down at her body, then up at him again. Approaching her, Joel pointed toward her shoulders.
"They're twisted. And you gotta be careful, they're tangled with your hair. Just try to loosen your hair and then turn the straps."
Joel pulled his hands out of his pockets again to rest one casually against a tree.
"It's kinda impossible with one hand…" Amy complained, and helplessly tugged at her hair, which caused her to hiss out in pain.
"Ow, fuck…"
"Oh Jesus…" Joel snarled but then closed the distance and decided to take care of it. Right, he had forgotten about her injury, even though he had asked about the state of her arm in the morning right after he had woken up.
"Okay, hold still."
She was so close, Joel felt her eyes bore holes into his face. Why was she looking at him so intensely instead of glaring down at the ground? His fingers felt a little shaky when he tried to loosen her strands around the straps without hurting her, but he couldn't precisely tell what exactly had triggered his nervousness. Her eyes, her proximity in general, her collarbone right below his touch. Without having so much as touched her hand before, Joel just knew that her skin would be the warmest, softest texture in the world. Because she just carried that warmth, that natural mellowness.
"Oww," Amy complained and jerked slightly, making his jaw tauten.
"Hold still, goddamnit."
"I can't if you pull on my hair like that."
He refrained from another comment, even though his brow creased at her impatience. Wasn't he helping her? And still, she was treating him like he vexed her on purpose.
"There we go…" Joel whispered and moved a few strands of her hair back over her shoulder so that they wouldn't bother her anymore today.
As her hair fell past her shoulder blades, he realized that there were some loose strands that he had probably torn out by accident. Amy didn't have to know about that detail, though. It would only upset her.
"Are you done?" she whispered so quietly, her tone so soft and intimate, Joel's breath hitched in his throat. His knees felt like jelly, and his swimming head lost track of any train of thought he had while bringing the straps of her backpack into order again.
"Just a second…. M'fixin' the straps." His voice was low as well, adjusted to her tone, which there was no need for, he realized.
Shit, she really was close to him. Until now, Joel had focused on his work on her hair, but as he briefly let his eyes meander over her features, her lips parted in a thin strip, he noticed how he would be able to close the distance between the two of them just by dipping his head a little lower. He could kiss her hairline in no time, smell her hair, her tender skin, and inhale her like she was his favorite perfume.
"Joel."
Fuck, he hadn't realized how intently he had watched her for the past few seconds. His gaze dropped lower again, her big eyes and the glint in her pupils only a memory now, even though he was sure she still looked at him the same. And her voice, for fuck's sake…
Joel was nearly a hundred percent certain that she was doing this consciously. Or she happened to have very poor self-control. Whatever it was, even if Amy had lost her fucking mind and his name had slipped past her lips so sweetly because she had felt something in that moment, it still didn't make it right.
"I'm done," Joel growled suddenly and took a large step back like he had just gotten electroshocked by the grip of her bag. Amy didn't respond at once and just stared into space as though she was floating in a hazy bubble, unaware that the moment was over. That Joel had withdrawn already.
"Let's go."
He coughed a couple of times to mask his nervousness, his hands back in the depths of his pockets to prevent himself from reaching out to her again.
What had he been thinking? The fact that his body showed strange signs of tension around her shouldn't be any news to him, and yet he was bewildered all over again by the way his heart had started galloping in his chest and he had broken into a sweat like the two of them were visiting a sauna rather than hiking through woods that, in fact, did a pretty good job of hiding the sun from them.
All of this, Amy's proximity, the way she looked at him, was bad for him. His mind, which couldn't concentrate on this journey any longer, his body, which felt so sluggish and weak that he wouldn't be surprised if he collapsed one day, and his heart, which seemed to sting a little every time he glanced at her.
And… weirdly, also when he turned away from her.
Amy
Around noon, Joel and Amy stumbled upon a little cabin in the forest, which reminded her of a photo she owned.
It depicted her parents on their first vacation, when they had been about her age. A young couple, beautiful as Amy found them, standing next to each other knee-deep in the snow with a wooden cabin like the one her gaze rested upon right now behind them. She told Joel about the similarities, but he hadn't had much more to add than a snort and a coarse "This one's probably filled with infected 'n' rats."
"Wait, we're not gonna go in?" It turned out that Joel hadn't planned on browsing the little cabin, which Amy had refused to accept.
She had folded her hands as if to pray, had given Joel her biggest puppy eyes, and promised him that she would do as he said and not wander around.
Of course it had worked wonders, and Joel had decided that since they had made such good progress today, a few minutes inside the cabin wouldn't set them back massively.
To say that Amy had been disillusioned once she had stepped past the door frame would be an understatement. At least Joel had been wrong about the place being crammed with infected, but apart from that, he had been right.
There were rats, broken glass all over the floor, lots of garbage, weird scents, and water puddles in the bathroom. There wasn't even any toilet paper they could steal.
Amy dropped her shoulders, her features emitting disappointment, whereas Joel looked victorious and a little smug. She was just about to admit that she had made a mistake wanting to explore the cabin that had seemed so promising from outside when her attention fell on a small cupboard behind the door.
Quickly, before Joel could stop her in case that was his intention, she crossed the area in a few large steps and knelt down in front of the furniture.
"What do we have here…" she murmured. Her face lit up brightly, her lips lifting in triumph while she grabbed the whiskey bottle by its neck and showed it to Joel like some token.
"You see that? That's what I call worth it."
He sneered softly, which wasn't the kind of reaction she had hoped for.
"Is the bottle sealed? Otherwise, we're not gonna touch it."
Amy rolled her eyes, but tested the opening to show him that his concerns were uncalled-for.
"See? Everything's sterile."
Joel placed his hands on his knees as he leaned down to see it for himself. Then, he snatched the bottle away to scan it himself.
"You don't trust me?" Amy giggled while watching him regard the brown liquid surrounded by glass covered by a thin layer of dust on all sides.
"It's not gonna bite, Joel. I don't know what you're waiting for."
"Seems fine," he snapped and slid his bag over his shoulder to put the bottle inside, which elicited an outraged wheeze from her.
"Are you kidding me? I found that. You're not gonna take this for yourself and – "
"Relax," Joel huffed and closed his rucksack again like he didn't have a single care in the world. "I'm not gonna steal it from you. I just know that if you have even more things to carry, you won't stop complaining about the weight on your back at all."
Shit, that was a good point. Amy swayed her head to the side as though to weigh his words, even though she was well aware that he was right. She did like to complain that hiking with so many pounds of food and clothes on her back was the worst thing in the world, as she liked to put it.
"Okay, alright…" she therefore mumbled and passed the tipped-over chairs and the squeaking rats fast to catch up to Joel, who was already out the door.
"Please."
"No."
"C'mon, I don't understand. Why not?"
Joel rubbed his eyelids with his knuckles, shaking his head over and over.
"'Cause I said no. Not tonight."
"Give me one good reason."
The idea of drinking some of that whiskey she had found earlier, clouding her brain and feeling completely cheerful and careless just for one night, sounded so damn good in her head that she wasn't willing to let the topic go so quickly.
"It'd be dangerous," he barked.
It was obvious that he expected her to give in soon, that he knew very well that she knew that her attempts were futile, but no, not today. She might surprise Joel with her insistence.
"Why dangerous?"
"'Cause how do you think we would fight any infected while we're both wasted, you smartass?"
"Oh c'mon…" she said loudly, throwing her hands in the air. "This is what you're worried about? We've been traveling for how long, two weeks? Has anything happened yet?"
"That ain't the point," Joel grunted and pulled his jacket tighter around his torso. "Something could happen. And we gotta be prepared. We gotta be able to defend ourselves."
Amy set her teeth hard, flashing her eyes at his rigid, cold expression. "We can still do that while we're drunk."
"Oh yeah?" Joel scoffed, scanning her face with amusement. "Have you been drunk before?"
"Of course I've been drunk before!" Amy hissed and shifted her weight onto her knees, arms crossed in front of her chest. "Some kids in FEDRA school smuggled beer inside once. And then after school a few times."
"And where'd you get that from?" Joel asked, his eyes narrowing like he actually cared about her reply for once.
She shrugged. "Friends. The guy that I worked for."
"The guy that you worked for. Alright."
"You don't believe me?" she uttered, cursing him for how he avoided her gaze like she was too childish to be blessed with his attention.
"I'm not sure…" Joel chuckled but then sighed heavily. "No, I believe ya. Just thought it'd be a good idea to distract ya a 'lil so you'd stop annoyin' me 'bout that whiskey. It always works so well on ya, you know? You gettin' angry… gettin' ahead of yourself."
"Oh, someone's feeling funny today," Amy barked and turned away slightly like she wanted to tell him that the conversation was finished. But then she remembered that she was the one who wanted something from Joel, so she swallowed her pride and jutted her chin forward.
"Joel, c'mon. Do you wanna wait until we meet the fireflies to drink this or what?"
"No, but I was thinkin' I could share a glass with my brother…"
"You fucking asshole."
He grinned brightly like daylight, which might have surprised and even delighted Amy on any other day, as it was probably the calmest she had ever witnessed him, but for now, her blood was still boiling too hotly.
"Just sit your ass back down, relax, and drink some water. S'better for your liver anyway."
"Asshole," she repeated but followed his advice and shifted into a more comfortable position. "We're gonna drink this before we find your brother. There's no way you're just gonna seize this and act like it's yours. I found it. You know what, actually, I'm the one who has the right to decide who drinks it and when."
"Oh yeah? You think it's your right?"
She nodded proudly like she had solved a math equation.
"This bottle belonged to someone once. And you just stole it. Now I found it, and I stole it from you. If you wanna turn this into a who-finds-it-first-claims-it game, it's mine. Rightfully."
"But that means I could steal it back," she uttered and let her gaze drift over to his open backpack.
Her words evoked deep guttural laughter from Joel, the sound wafting through the air like a rumble of thunder.
"Yeah, right… Try stealin' it back, kiddo. Let's see how well you're gonna do with that."
"Who knows?" Amy smiled sweetly, planting her hands behind her and thrusting her legs out.
They had already eaten dinner and brushed their teeth, but she felt no desire to go to sleep yet. She would most like to drink a sip of that whiskey and feel the warmth in her lungs and belly that she hadn't experienced in quite some time, but Amy decided that it wasn't worth picking another fight with Joel. He seemed to be in a good mood tonight, and now that her rage had subsided, she began to appreciate that fact.
"I'm gonna get a jacket," Amy informed him and rose to her feet, approaching her bag, which she had tossed on the ground an hour ago when they had made camp for the night.
When she came back and lowered herself onto the ground with a subtle groan, she moved nearer to him, just a little closer than she had been before. Amy didn't know whether Joel had even noticed it, hell, she didn't even know with what intention she did it, but a comfortable shudder went down her spine, feeling his body heat creep beside her. Their shoulders were touching, nothing more than that, yet she came to the realization that it was the closest she had ever gotten to him.
"Better now?" Joel growled, and it took Amy a moment to understand what he was referring to.
"I – Yes. Yes, it's better like that."
She pulled the zipper up to her chin, placing her soles on the ground and casually resting her chin on her kneecaps.
He smelled so wonderful. Amy had gotten so used to that scent that she hardly ever noticed it, but right now she did. She even discovered a new note, was that sandalwood? Why was he smelling of sandalwood when he didn't carry anything around that might have emitted such a scent? Still, there it was, so subtle in her nose, and yet it made her a little hazy. Maybe hungry was a more fitting term.
Amy turned her head slowly, her mouth drying up when her gaze landed on his magnificent profile. He had always reminded her of a Greek god with the curve of his nose and those full lips. Only that two weeks ago, she might have compared him to Ares, the god of war, and now he reminded her of the beautiful mortal Adonis.
"It's gonna be a cold night," Joel spoke all of a sudden and sniffled quietly.
"Oh," Amy said, too distracted by the light of the setting sun that highlighted the beautiful contours of his face. It made the brown of his hair look golden and emphasized the grey strands at the same time. His beard stubble seemed to stand out more as well.
Amy wondered what it would feel like against her palm. She had never touched a bearded man before. Would it sting uncomfortably or just be a faint tingle that would make her shudder?
"You're quiet," Joel suddenly said and wheeled his head around to face her for the first time since she had sat back down.
He was so close, she questioned whether it had been a good idea to take such a risk. But gosh… he was even more stunning now. Amy had no idea how someone's eyes could be so gentle, protective, and still stern and strict at the same time, but goddamnit, he managed it. Joel looked like he deeply worried about her but was still ready to do anything it took to bring forth his own interests. Or it was just his personal way of concealing the warmth within his stance.
"Are you listenin' to me?" Joel snorted, his tone lingering between serious concern and amusement.
"Yes. Sorry," Amy whispered, eyes anxiously scurrying over the frown upon his face.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm alright."
"Good. 'Cause I don't want ya faintin' on me."
Scrunching her nose, she straightened up a little more, trying to regain a fragment of her composure. "Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. But your face is a 'lil red."
"Thank you so much," Amy sneered, her voice edged with sarcasm.
At least she was feeling a tad more stable, though the minute the corner of his mouth tilted upward, another quiver billowed through her spine. She rarely saw him grin like that, and right now it looked so earnest she could even detect a few lines on his cheeks, suggesting that the gesture wasn't as unfamiliar as she had assumed it was, and that those muscles had worked in days long past.
"You need some water?" Joel wanted to know.
"No. I'm good."
Part of her doubted that he could even spot any ruddy color upon her cheeks, but she wasn't certain enough to say her suspicions out loud.
Instead, she rubbed her palms together, peering into the darkness when her eyes set on his hands. Like the rest of him, they looked aged and a little rugged, like they had seen a lot more sunlight and raw surfaces than warm baths and hand cream. The veins twining around his wrists were bulging, which made Amy's heart rate pick up. Subtly, but still noticeable.
"Joel," she whispered while her eyes ran up his body.
She felt woeful about his sleeves, which covered most of his arms, which she was sure were hairy and muscular just like his wrists, but she still liked what she saw. Such as the stitching of his shirt stretching over his bicep and wide shoulders that made him look strong and competent.
"What?" he murmured and glared ahead into the woods another moment before meeting Amy's gaze.
"What?" He repeated the word, as she hadn't replied to him,instead just silently admiring the beauty that lay within his hardness and solidity while she felt her heart doing acrobatics in her chest, pivoting and raging.
She swallowed one last time, her lips softly forming a smile.
Then, she stretched her neck a little and pressed her mouth against his.
For a moment, which Amy wasn't certain how long it lasted, time stood still.
There was a rustling noise in her ears, reminding her of the sound of ocean waves. All she could sense of Joel was a faint trace of his taste, which she associated with coffee, first and foremost.
At first, Amy wasn't sure whether he was kissing her back or not, if his lips were parting to welcome her or if she just imagined it in her mind, but then, all of a sudden, she felt a firm hand pulling her back by her shoulder.
Two glimmering eyes were drilling into her, and his hold around her was yet to let go, as if to ensure she couldn't close the distance between the two of them again.
"Are you fuckin' mad?" Joel hissed sharply, making the blood in her veins run cold.
She hadn't expected him to react like that, to be so angry with her, as in her mind, the mood had practically invited her to kiss him. And gosh… he still looked so gorgeous and appealing besides being so infuriated.
Amy wished she could rest her head in his lap, have his fingers thread through her hair while he told her that everything was going to be fine, that nothing was going to harm her as long as he was breathing. But no, Joel looked far from offering that right now.
"I just – I thought," Amy stammered, but he cut her off.
"What did you think? Tell me right now what was goin' through your goddamn mind?" His voice had grown even louder, causing her to wince like a dog kicked by its owner.
"Have I not made myself clear the other day? What's wrong with you, have I said anythin' to make you think that this is appropriate? That this isn't fuckin' insane?"
Tears welled in her eyes, and she couldn't do anything to blink them away, there was too much wetness. So maybe he hadn't kissed her back after all, and she had only imagined it.
"I don't know what the fuck to do with ya, 'cause you don't fuckin' listen. No matter how many times I tell you to shut up, to go to sleep and to not do shit like that."
The first sob rippled through her, but Joel only seemed to realize the shift in her demeanor a few seconds later. By the time his tense features softened, Amy was crying gently, her trembling hands relentlessly tucking strands behind her ears.
"Jesus…" Joel muttered and helplessly ran a hand through his hair. He clearly had no idea what to do, but for now Amy didn't mind just letting her emotions run free without any comment from him. Without a harsh remark about shutting her mouth.
"Amy, don't fuckin' cry, okay? Why're you cryin'?" He put a hand on her shoulder, carefully, as if she were made of glass.
"I'm – I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. Just stop cryin', alright?"
She wished she could, but his words were still ringing in her ears, and they weren't particularly nice to her. They made her feel ashamed and embarrassed, most of all for how Joel had rejected her advances. Had she been so wrong about feeling drawn to him? Had she been misled into thinking that there had been a spark between them? Was it possible that a human being could be so mistaken about that?
"I'm sorry, Amy," Joel murmured and drew a few soothing circles over her arm, which actually felt kind of nice, in her opinion.
"N-No… I'm sorry. I just – I really… I want you, Joel."
"Jesus fuckin' Christ…" Joel spat and let go of her like he had burned himself. "You can't say things like that, you hear me?"
"But I do, Joel… I'm sorry. But I – I really just – "
"No," he groaned before she had the opportunity to share more about her feelings with him. Which felt terrifying and relieving all at the same time. "Stop it. You're just getting us both into trouble with this."
"Why?" she asked and wiped her nose. The tears had stopped now, and she felt much clearer in her head. The clouds had dissipated into the air and purified her brain for other tasks. Such as figuring out if there was a deeper, better-hidden reason for why Joel kept on pushing her away, or whether he was just not attracted to her the way she was to him.
"I can't. I just can't do any of this, and you gotta understand it."
"How am I supposed to understand it if you don't explain it to me?" Her eyes were big and curious, but she was calm now, just her hands still shivering a little bit.
"You can't kiss me, Amy. I can't let you do that." He scratched his temple, though she was positive it was primarily a gesture serving the purpose of soothing his nerves.
"You're… You're really fuckin' young. And I – I'm supposed to protect ya."
"Yeah, well, you're doing that, aren't you?" she whispered and briefly considered pressing her hand to his cheek to feel what it was like for his stiff hairs to dig into her palm, but she was almost certain that Joel would peel it off immediately.
"You can't – Don't look at me like that," he peevishly grumbled and dropped his head a little, his jaw working.
"Like what?" Amy almost desperately asked, trying to capture his eyes.
He made it so hard, and she didn't know why. If his only reason for not kissing her was their age gap, she was happy to calm his nerves and tell him that his doubts were needless. What did a few years matter in the apocalypse?
Wetting her brittle lips, Amy decided that she should perhaps tell him exactly that, which was why she made one last effort to meet his gaze.
"Joel, is this really about the age thing?" she whispered, which made him flinch like she had hit him.
"You know that it is."
"No. I mean yes, but I don't understand it. I don't care about it. We're – We're in the middle of fucking nowhere in a cold forest, do you think I care about you being a few years older than me?"
Finally, he was glaring at her again, his breathing heavy under the exhaustion of this conversation that seemed to be going in circles.
"Please. Please, don't tell me no."
"Amy…" Joel murmured, his chest rising and falling profoundly under his jacket.
He must be on the verge of losing control. He must be. He must be close to giving in and looking at her the way she wanted him to look at her. Desiring, demanding, hungry.
"Joel. I told you I – "
She had no chance to finish her sentence, but she didn't mind it really.
Joel had already connected their lips again, and this time, there was not a trace of doubt about the fact that he was kissing her back. Hard.
In fact, his mouth clashed with hers so rigorously that Amy was pushed back a little until one of Joel's hands landed on the small of her back to pull her against his chest.
Goddamnit, he felt so good, she didn't even know where to start, what detail about him to enjoy first. Therefore, the first few seconds passed like a feverish fantasy, her head swirling while she repeatedly tried telling herself that this was actually happening.
When she came to her senses at last, Amy moved her hands to his cheek, finally claiming what she had longed for. His short stubble was a tad itchy against her flat palm, but what impressed her even more was his rough skin, which created friction as she slid her hand to the side of his head.
In the meantime, Joel had brought his other hand to Amy's face as well, only that she assumed her skin was a lot softer than his. Not that she minded it, really, but she hoped that Joel was just as satisfied as she was.
When she felt his tongue drag across the slit between her lips, she let out a faint moan, cursing herself immediately.
What if every noise she produced carried the danger of waking Joel from his euphoria and possibly threatened to end this moment? He seemed so lost in this kiss, so consumed by blind greed, it was like he was bewitched.
But no, nothing happened, even as another whimper spilled past her tongue when Joel tangled his hand in her hair. There was a gentleness and carefulness about the way he held her so close to him, ensuring that he was enclosing all of her in a protective embrace, but at the same time, his lips were nowhere close to being tender. He seemed to try to eat her, his face relentlessly pressing against her.
Shit… This was so good, Amy wanted to let out more of those whines accumulated in her throat, but the fear of causing him to snap back was still too great.
After a couple more minutes, Amy was even more light-headed, her heart racing in her chest.
"Joel," she gasped against his mouth, which felt dry and swollen by now. She was pawing at the side of his head, feeling his hair give way beneath her hands, tugging at his roots whenever she felt like it, which he didn't seem to mind.
She wanted more, she wanted to taste and smell more of him, move closer to him until Joel was the only thing she was capable of feeling. Amy liked kissing him, sure, and she liked that his scent, that leather and wooden smell, was so thick in her nose that she knew it wouldn't dissolve any time soon. Perhaps the smell would even cling to her when this was over.
And yet, she wanted more. The greed had taken over her, because whereas she might have been content with his lips pressed against her a couple of hours ago, she was now already thinking about all the other things she wanted. His hands, on other places on her body. His mouth maybe as well.
"Joel," she whimpered again and let her hands drop to his chest, feeling his strong muscles beneath his shirt.
Goddamnit, there were way too many layers of thick, coarse cotton isolating his body warmth, which Amy craved so badly, just like every other part of him.
Suddenly, her hands rested high up his thighs, which seemed to shift something within him. He tensed tangibly, his lips picking at her bottom lip a few more times before he withdrew.
"We gotta stop," Joel murmured and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear that had stuck to her mouth.
"Why?"
"'Cause it ain't right."
There it was again. Why did he have to make all of this so fucking difficult? Why couldn't he just feel good for a couple of hours?
This was exactly the same situation as their discussion about the whiskey bottle she had found. Sure, she felt honored and flustered every time Joel mentioned how important it was to him to take his position as her protector seriously, but this didn't really have anything to do with that, right? He could still shield her from harm while he kissed her. Maybe even a bit more than that.
"You really wanna stop now?" Amy muttered through clenched teeth, leaning forward so that their noses were nearly touching.
"We have to. Jesus Christ… I already went too far. M'sorry, I – "
"You're sorry?" Laughter rippled through her body and shook her so much that she had to catch her breath. Or maybe she was just still panting so heavily because of their previous make-out session.
"Yeah, goddamnit." Joel put a little more distance between them, though Amy noticed how his gaze briefly skimmed over her lips like he was captivated by the memory. At least that was what she hoped.
"But I don't want you to feel sorry, Joel. I wanted this. I want – I wish you wouldn't have stopped it."
Joel really looked like he couldn't believe what she had just said, even though it appeared so easy and obvious to Amy. How could this man assume that he was doing her harm by giving her what she yearned for so desperately, which had even given her sleepless nights and even more insufferable daydreams?
"You don't know what you're sayin'…"
"But I do. I want this. I really – It felt good. Didn't it feel good, Joel?"
"You gotta stop – sayin' my name like that. And lookin' at me like I – like there's anything I can give ya. There ain't nothin'."
She snorted and folded her arms in front of her, feeling very chilly now that Joel didn't have his hands on her any longer.
"Didn't I just say that – "
"I'm here 'cause I'm supposed to protect ya, get you safely to the fireflies, and then claim my reward. You are – young 'n'… impressionable."
"Impressionable?" Amy scoffed, then laughed freely, which seemed to raise suspicions in Joel. "You really don't know what you're saying, do you?"
"Yes, I fuckin' do. This is wrong. It's wrong that we kissed, it's wrong that we're even havin' this talk right now, and my thoughts are – wrong."
"Your thoughts?" Amy repeated, a sly smile playing around her lips.
So this wasn't all made up in her head. This hadn't been a spontaneous outburst of emotions, which was a pretty normal thing to happen while being stuck in the woods together. So he had had thoughts about her too, maybe some of them similar to the ones she had experienced. This was… interesting. Definitely.
"Just forget it," Joel snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets as if to signal to her that there was no other place they would rest for the rest of the night. "We should go to bed now. And I… I wish you wouldn't bring this up again."
He didn't really sound like he had high expectations on that front. "You gotta understand it, Amy. You gotta understand that I'm not for you, that everything about this would just be – bad. We should stay away from each other. And there are a thousand reasons for it."
She sighed, dropping her shoulders while Joel stood up, slightly stumbling, which gave her the courage needed to say the thing that was on her mind.
"If you had reasons that convinced me, I'd let it go. But they just don't convince me."
"That's 'cause you're a young girl who doesn't think clearly and doesn't understand that, as the person who takes you safely across the country, this is not – appropriate." Joel was clearly struggling to find more fitting terms for it, but Amy understood exactly what gnawed at him. Despite her inability to relate to it.
"Sleep well," he whispered since she hadn't replied at once.
His hands were still on his hips, perhaps to project the version of him Amy was so used to, but something about him was different tonight. He looked a little weaker, like the past days and weeks had worn on him. Amy doubted that this night alone was the reason for his exhaustion, though she had to admit that she hadn't really noticed the many worrisome wrinkles on his brow before.
"Goodnight," she muttered.
Tonight, Joel didn't wait until she was fast asleep before he drifted off as well. She couldn't be certain, of course, but it looked like it, considering his eyes were closed the moment she pulled her sleeping bag under her chin.
Normally, when her gaze flitted over to him occasionally while she waited for sleep to wash over her, she could see the white of his eyes, sometimes even his lashes blinking. But tonight, his face was rigid and lifeless, no hint of waking. He scrunched his nose once, but that might just be him reacting to his dreams in his sleep. It disappointed and upset Amy so much that she sniffled gently as she put her head down, glaring into the night sky.
No, she didn't like that at all. Her usual knowledge that Joel was caring for her like a guardian angel at all times, even at night, lulled her into a warm bubble that provided her with surprisingly deep and restful sleep. But not like that. With her assuming that he had already dozed off, Amy simply felt cold and empty, scared of the gnarled branches of the tall trees around her.
They were so different from Joel, who had been warm and firm beneath her hands, even though she hadn't even felt much of his flesh. But what she had experienced had been comforting and better than anything she had imagined in her head.
Amy sighed, then peered at him again through the corner of her eyes. He looked so peaceful and blissful with his hands laced on top of his stomach and his sealed lips relaxed. So peaceful that she felt bad for a moment for putting him through all this stress tonight. At the same time, though, it wasn't like she had planned any of it and hadn't intended to upset him in the slightest.
It was just… her heart's will being stronger than her head's.
