i have been wondering when i willĀ
ive been hoping it will be handed to me.Ā
i guess, Iāve been hoping that the ladder will be brought to me and that my work will be the climbing.Ā
instead, it seems, i will have to both do the work of finding the right path to the right steps and then too develop the muscle to climb.Ā
i am more nowhere than Iāve ever been, i think
perhaps things always feel more acute in the present but the stakes of nowhere-ness seem now more severe, significant, than before
what is time in the scope of Time
and still, now is not nothing.Ā
what iāve been dancing around is this:Ā
I know what is different about where I am now
i am less spiritually grounded than I have ever been before
less engaged, less investedĀ
and also doing nothing to explore that uncertaintyĀ
it is not my uncertainty i find unacceptableĀ
it is the lack of exploration
it is that iāve stopped asking questions of my faithĀ
stopped exploring my idea of The Divine
but right at the point when my faith began to shatter, when the ground of it began to fall out and could have made way for something newĀ
i stopped reading the thing that made sense enough, shook me hard enough to break through
and then here is the part II of the thing Iāve been avoidingĀ
and then avoiding all over againĀ
the first was the what: that I am afloat in a un-formed faithĀ
the second is the why: because I was afraidĀ
my fear gave way to laziness?Ā
not apathy, i feel far more than thatĀ
which surely must be worse
fear at least can be empathised with. pitied.Ā
let me be, please, anything but deplorable.Ā
not anything. but surely not deplorable.Ā
what: a transformation in FaithĀ
why: it doesnāt matter anymoreĀ
let me start there then, at the what.Ā
and wouldnāt that be such a great place to end???
it is now 10:30 in a sleepy houseĀ
upstairs, Liyu asleep in my room, Teddy asleep in his
down here with me Aunty Tibeb and Melat drowsily half watching some B list Black Christmas movie (it is late June, for reference)
and me, here, after a day of having accomplished little more than nothing in the sense of productivity, of output, suddenly willing, motivated, wanting, contemplating doing, this little something, this potentially inconsequential interrogating here.Ā where will this go tomorrow morning? when there will always be a thing. tomorrow: still visiting family. next tuesday, when theyāve gone: what? there will always be a thing.Ā
itās been...how long ofĀ āthingsā? sure, what is time in Time butĀ
all Iāve been alive for is time. so time within the scope of my time thus far is surelyĀ
what more can i do but begin thereĀ
i cannot intellectualise beyond myself. there is the what and it is a big WhatĀ
may i have the sense, the wherewithal the willĀ